I'm Perfect, You're Doomed: Tales from a Jehovah's Witness Upbringing

by Kyria Abrahams

I'm Perfect, You're Doomed is the story of Kyria Abrahams's coming-of-age as a Jehovah's Witness -- a doorbell-ringing "Pioneer of the Lord." Her childhood was haunted by the knowledge that her neighbors and schoolmates were doomed to die in an imminent fiery apocalypse; that Smurfs were evil; that just about anything you could buy at a yard sale was infested by demons; and that Ouija boards -- even if they were manufactured by Parker Brothers -- were portals to hell. Never mind how popular you are when you hand out the Watchtower instead of candy at Halloween. When Abrahams turned eighteen, things got even stranger. That's when she found herself married to a man she didn't love, with adultery her only way out. "Disfellowshipped" and exiled from the only world she'd ever known, Abrahams realized that the only people who could save her were the very sinners she had prayed would be smitten by God's wrath. Raucously funny, deeply unsettling, and written with scorching wit and deep compassion, I'm Perfect, You're Doomed explores the ironic absurdity of growing up believing that nothing matters because everything's about to be destroyed.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Religion, Cults, Biography, Humor, Biography Memoir

339 pages, Kindle Edition

First published February 17, 2009

About the author

Kyria Abrahams is the author of I'M PERFECT, YOU'RE DOOMED: Tales of a Jehovah's Witness Upbringing (Touchstone, 2009).

Her humor has also been published in Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six-Word Memoirs by Writers Famous and Obscure (Harper Perennial, 2007) the THE BOOK OF ZINES: Reading From the Fringe. For two years, Kyria Abrahams was a regular columnist for Jest Magazine, where she was featured alongside performers and writers from The Daily Show and Chappelle's Show. She has been a past performer at alternative comedy shows like Eating It and Invite them Up, as well as literary readings like How to Kick People.

She lives in Queens with an abused cat that she just knows will start to love her some day.

Reviews

[Debbie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I never realized my cousin, Kyria, was so funny. Although we were raised by brothers, it's almost as if we were raised by the same dad.
What disfunctional families we had!!

At least we both got smart and left a religion that tried to run our lives. They stole five years of my life with Mom before she died. I feel like I've been raped. Disfellowshipping is so unchristian.

Thanks for putting it in writing, Kyria!

[Missy J · Rating 4 out of 5]

First of all, it is not surprising that this book received a mediocre rating on Goodreads. Many reviewers have complained that the protagonist Kyria is incredibly narcissistic and self-centered. I also had trouble identifying with her and often wanted to throw the book at the wall (but couldn't do so because I was reading the electronic version). Unfortunately for Kyria she grew up in a cult called the Jehovah's Witnesses and that's where she learned to be narcissistic. While reading this book, I came up with a list of recurring themes and personality traits I found among Jehovah's Witnesses.

Narcissistic, Self-Centered
To think that you are part of the "one true religion" in this world and that you will live forever after in Paradise when Armageddon happens. In this world, it is only your duty to have faith in Jehovah and save others by preaching. I can’t comprehend how stupid and irrational one has to be to believe this! Suffering now for eternal life later. In other words, wasting away this one and only life you have.

Uncritical Thinking, Blinded by Faith, Self-Righteous, No Logical Thinking
Not encouraged to talk about their own feelings or experiences, because everything is in the Watchtower booklet. All the answers are in the Watchtower and one has to only quote passages. If problems arise, contact "the elders" to decide how to solve the problem. Constantly talk about people of other religions and how they suffer.

Feeling of Alienation, Mistrust, Fear
Satan is everywhere! Very suspicious of strangers. Parents don't allow their children to make friends with children outside of the congregation, thus natural friendships can never develop. Sad! Jehovah's Witnesses children suffer in school for being different and are often taunted by teachers because their parents make unreasonable requests (for example, my child cannot sing the national anthem, cannot celebrate Christmas or birthday, is not allowed to partake in cheer-leading etc.). “Bad associations" are considered interacting with anybody who isn't a JW (unless you are trying to convert them). They don't believe in this world, thus no concrete planning for the future except bible studies and converting others. This makes their followers extremely dependent on the congregation (financially, socially, and even emotionally), because they are not allowed to live and think independently. Young adults are discouraged from attending university (thus making them more dependent on the church if they can only get lousy jobs). College education and activism turns people away from Jehovah. Bad things: birthdays, gays, divorce, national anthems, patriotism, cheer-leading, blood transfusions, casual dating, college. Over-bearing and strict parents lead to stupid children and lying teenagers.

The Need to Punish People
Apostate: one who used to be a Jehovah's Witness, but was disfellowshipped for committing an offence. They are shunned by JW members and made to feel guilty. Not sure if they are going to reach Paradise. Standard self-defense technique: hiding in the bathroom to make others feel guilty.

Kyria Abrahams used a comedic tone in this book. In an interview she stated that growing up in a cult isn't the worst thing in the world (imagine being a child soldier in Africa, suffering from chronic hunger, or being a cocaine-addicted teenage prostitute). I think she highlighted well the typical aspects of children and teenagers growing up in this cult. One can see that not everybody is strictly following the rules, and that members often find ways to bypass certain expectations from the cult (considering a session of gossiping with friends as bible study, teenagers getting frisky before marriage, adults having affairs but forgiving the other partner to avoid being disfellowshipped, etc.). Nonetheless, the Jehovah's Witnesses are a horrible cult whose members waste away their lives for absolutely nothing. In this day and age of technological progress, I wonder why anyone would remain in that cult. They must simply be deluding themselves and are too consumed by fear to confront reality! Very tragic!

[Callie · Rating 2 out of 5]

2 1/2 stars actuallly. She tricked me! The first few chapters are hi-LAR-ious accounts of her childhood as a member of the Jehovah's Witnesses--and though she is writing as an ex-member she doesn't seem too bitter or biting in her comments about the religion, but that's just the first few chapters...Then we descend into her ever increasingly not funny and uncomfortable world of OCD, alcoholism and cutting, along with dysfunctional parents, suicide attempts and relationship mayhem--the standard crazy messed up stuff that so many memoirs today are made of. No transcendence there. Throughout the memoir, though, she does seem to retain an ironic and humorous tone (although at times this feels incongruous and makes the sadness of her life even more...uncomfortable, but maybe that was her aim) (at least she doesn't whine!) I will say that I had to see this through to the end b/c I wanted to see how she 'gets out' . If she could have just stuck to the funny stories of the absurd situations of her childhood, this might have been a 4 star.

[Roxanne · Rating 3 out of 5]

If you've never been a Jehovah's Witness, this is a hilarious and piercingly accurate depiction. If you've been in her boat, the recognition will reach out and smack your face, even while you're laughing.

I gave it only three stars just because it was written with such exhausting realism and right now I'm recovering from a flashback. As a cult-recovery memoir, it is extremely well done and deserves five stars.

[Catherine · Rating 2 out of 5]

I consider myself to be a pretty compassionate person, but I failed to see any admirable qualities in this narcissistic, self-absorbed woman who used her Jehovah's Witness upbringing as a crutch for her abominable behavior and complete lack of even an ounce of consideration for others.

I kept reading, hoping that by the end of the book she would begin to mature, come to her senses, and at least begin a road to redemption. Never happened. I just couldn't get past my ever-progressing distaste for this writer.

[Josephine (Jo) · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the true story of Kyria Abrahams fight to finally leave the Jehovah’s Witness organisation. Kyria was born into the organisation (they do not like to be called a church) and spent her childhood attending meetings, reading only publications printed by the Witnesses and going door to door to witness to the unbelievers who are doomed to die at Armageddon. A childhood in the Jehovah’s Witness seems to be so dreadfully restricted, not having friends outside the ‘truth’ not reading books that the other kids read or watching films disapproved of by the organisation. Kyria’s parents seem to have been strict adherents sometimes and lax at others missing meetings at some times and then enforcing the rules strictly at others. Kyria’s mother was very unsupportive of her daughter and even though she had many issues herself she was in my opinion cold and hard on her daughter when she faced her own problems.

Although Kyria tells the story with much humour it is clear that underneath she was facing a dreadful time in her life, alone without any true guidance, she had nowhere to live, experimenting with drink, drugs and being sexually promiscuous. The Witnesses make it almost impossible to leave the organisation because members are so isolated that if they leave they have nowhere to go and no friends outside.

I found this book both funny and very sad. Religion should be there to support you in your life not to make that life miserable and exile you from the rest of humanity.

[Naomi · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one girl's story of her life growing up in the Jehovah's Witness religion. It's a really funny book considering the heavy topic, namely how one girl was raised to be an uneducated, ill-equipped-for-reality young adult because she was part of a doomsday cult that teaches nothing matters because God is about to destroy everything at Armageddon.

This book was a relief for me to read personally because it pointed out all the ridiculous things about the Jehovah's Witness religion in such a lighthearted way that it just made me laugh and shake my head at those crazy Jehovah's Witnesses. There's also an awesome glossary at the back of the book since Jehovah's Witnesses use lots of terms that are strange to non-Jehovah's Witnesses. If you only read one part of this book, check out the glossary.

Some of my favorite quotes from the book:

"Joining the Theocratic Ministry School was a mandatory privilege, something we were supposed to do before being allowed to knock on doors and ask people if they knew they'd accidentally chosen the wrong religion."

"The succession of power was this: Jesus was the head over man; man was the head over woman; and woman was the head over cooking peach cobbler and shutting up."

"The best you can do is aim for an immaculate and unparalleled existence, and then berate both yourself and your children when you fall short of this goal."

"My useful habits were flickering slightly, like trick birthday candles."

"He was ... about as punk rock as a Jehovah's Witness could be on his off days without someone reporting him to the elders."

"It wasn't about being a nice person, it was about becoming a baptized Jehovah's Witness."

"Being respected for my wishes was a new experience. It made me feel like I could get away with anything."

"The message was clear: Don't leave. If you do leave, come back, or else."

"It didn't feel wrong to have sex with my friend's boyfriend because I couldn't fathom anything being wrong anymore. I'd been told that murder was as wrong as eating birthday cake was as wrong as smoking, as wrong as reading books, as wrong as having sex with your friend's boyfriend. I needed time to grade each of these things on its own merit, to make sense out of the world, one ruined septic system at a time."

"When the people I'd known for 23 years stopped talking to me, the people I'd known for 23 days helped me move."

"No longer holding back and waiting for a perfect earth, I now needed to teach myself how to survive on the actual, existing one. I had a whole backlog of learning experiences to get through...What else could I do but keep moving forward? After all, this life is the only one we've got."

I dedicate the reading of this book and loving it to MY REAL FRIENDS, the ones who helped me save myself when my lifelong friends and family turned their backs on me for having a mere difference of opinion. Ms. Abrahams takes a rather sad subject and approaches it with candor, spirit and humor, and I thank her for writing this book.

[Susan · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5? 3.75? I liked this book and almost loved it, but it felt unfinished. I realize a memoir is supposed to describe only a particular time in one's life, not a full autobiography, but I let myself get completely engulfed in this quirky, odd, intriguing life story, and then it just stops. Almost as though it is poised for a sequel (please, Ms. Abrahams? I'd totally buy it this time and not just order it from the library....).

The most notable aspect of this memoir that made me such a fan is the voice of the author. She depicts these scenes of absurdity from her childhood and adolescence so frankly, but somehow manages to both mock them (often hysterically, with dry humor and fantastic similes, such as "it was like telling your grandmother you not only liked to be spanked but want to dress up like a fuzzy blue fox while it's happening") and pull no punches about exactly how it happened. Kyria Abrahams is just fucking funny, point blank. She tells her story realistically-- she describes herself being totally naive, absurdly immature, mind-bogglingly angsty, and though she doesn't apologize for it, you can tell that her adult-self, the voice telling the story, has no trouble poking fun at it. In that way, her story was so refreshing, even when some of the narrative ventures into darker territory. That is what I loved the most about this book.

On that note, it is also while I felt so let down at the end. The book stops at what I suppose could be a logical place in the timeline-- the beginning of MAYBE her beginning to become SOMEWHAT of an adult? But it leaves you wondering, does she? How much longer does it take? And because of the events of the last chapter, it also leaves you wondering if she was yet even capable of taking care of herself at the point the book ends, so, I found the ending frustrating and unsatisfying.

[Ashley · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was all right. I wish I would have liked it better.

I very much wish I would have tracked down a copy of I'm Perfect, You're Doomed way back in 2009 when I added it to my TBR. I think that version of me would have been in a much better place to appreciate it. This is a book by a woman who grew up in a Jehovah's Witness household, and it is written in a humorous style, as you might be able to tell from the title. It's written from the perspective of a child, not from an adult looking back on her childhood, so there isn't any overt reflection on her situation. Instead, Abrahams has to use much subtler means to get her point across. It is effective! But I just didn't enjoy it all that much. I don't think my brain right now is in the mood to find any sort of fundamentalism funny.

And, as many other reviewers have noted, the second half of the book is much different and more depressing, as Abrahams reckons with her childhood as an adult, on top of many other issues. It's got a bit of tonal whiplash to it.

I own a copy of this (had to buy it used, my library didn't have a copy) so I might try it again at a later time and see if a different headspace would improve my reaction to it. If you like reading memoirs about people who escaped from religious cults, this might be up your alley.

Read Harder Challenge: Read a memoir by someone from a religious tradition (or lack of religious tradition) that is not your own.

[Denis · Rating 4 out of 5]

***I had to amend my original review. It's been a few months after I finished and I think I see it in a different light.


At first I gave this book five stars, then two and now it's four. The first few chapters were pretty accurate describing what it can be like to grow up as a Jehovah's Witness. But then she started talking about getting married and how her life just went down hill from there. The last one third of the book describes her struggles with OCD, depression, and alcohol addiction. But it never really talks about what she truly believed and whether most of the things she was taught were false.

After a night sleep, and then a few months, I came to the conclusion that, while this really isn't an accurate, general depiction of what it is like to grow up as one of Jehovah's Witnesses, this is her personal story. As such, her own experiences differed from mine, in a number of different levels. Some things were exactly the same: meetings, preaching, personal relationships, and yes, the awful consequences that come from questioning anything. However, I, as an ex-Jehovah's Witness (if there can be such a thing), I wouldn't change my childhood one bit. I was incredibly fortunate to have a family that, while devout to our beliefs, wasn't fanatical. This book does paint the image of Jehovah's Witnesses as arrogant recluses that don't celebrate Christmas or Birthdays. But, unfairly, she never explains why that's the case. It makes it seem as if all elders and regular pioneers as fanatical religious zelouts that could care less about the feelings of others. While certainly there are a lot of people like that, I still think 90% of JWs are probably the nicest people you can ever meet. Most JW beliefs are strange to a lot of people. But it's unfair to not make an attempt to explain why people believe, and then act, the way the do - especially when it comes to DFing people. It seems, at least to me, that this book really is against the belief in God.

And that is where I draw the line. Jehovah's Witnesses might be weird and even obnoxious. But for the most part, everything they do has a reason. And 95 percent of those reasons are found in the bible. She never really talks about the bible knowledge she had to acquire to give talks at the Theocratic Ministry School or the effort that is put by those Witnesses that go the extra mile for their beliefs. And I think that has to count.

Ultimately, Abrahams was correct in many things - such as shunning. But she was also wrong in other things - for example, it was her that made the decision to get married. And through out the book, it seems as if any new guy she met was her new fiancee. Life isn't easy. And if you leave (or get kicked out) the only thing you've ever known, going forward is extremely hard.

I know because I'm going through it.

Overall, I think that it was a decent, funny book about her own life struggles with family, friends, and faith. But I sure hope that people remember that one book cannot be used to judge a whole group of people nor can it be used to erase the belief in God. Reason and objectivity, not emotion and subjectivity, have to be the keystone upon which a good analysis is built. I think this book can help in shedding light in certain personal struggles someone can face if they decide to not be a JW anymore.

[Bam cooks the books · Rating 3 out of 5]

*2.5 stars rounded up.

A close family member is joining the Jehovah's Witnesses as an adult. I hear a lot about what she's learned and embraced whole-heartedly but I wanted to read some different points of view from people who've left the organization and been disfellowshipped. What were their reasons?

This memoir was not a good one to pick to start my search for answers. Kyria Abrahams grew up in the JW community and was disfellowshipped when she committed adultery and wanted to divorce her husband. She's a standup comedian so quite a bit of her story would be funny if it wasn't so sad and depressing. She seems to be a very damaged person, somewhat stunted emotionally. How much of that is from being raised with such whacked out ideas, a crazy family life, little education, and hardly any socialization? Who knows? I can only pray my family member sees the light before it's too late for her.

[Anthony Mathenia · Rating 4 out of 5]

The extended three day weekend of decidedly unsocial, social obligations provided me with the luxury of being able to lounge around and read Kyria Abraham’s humerous memoir, “I’m Perfect, You’re Doomed, Tales of a Jehovah’s Witness Upbringing.”[return][return]When it comes to talking about her life, Kyria is a very good story teller, particularly adept at finding the lighter side of a life that wasn’t always easy. In doing so it wouldn’t surprise me of some events and situations are embellished for the sake of the story; however, it seems to be a mostly honest account of her young life within the Jehovah’s Witness religion. The portrayal of the religion is not entirely critical and mostly accurate. I have a feeling that when some dialogue didn’t exactly ring true as JW speak it was mostly the hand of an editor trying to make it easily understood by the average reader. (Kyria is helpful to include an irreverent glossary in the back to help sort out much of the Watchtower jargon.) [return][return]The style of the book is VH-1’s , “I love the 80’s” meets Jehovah’s Witnesses. What I mean is that it is filled with pop-culture references with a JW twist. For instance, Smurf’s are talked along with associated JW urban legends that circulated in the 1980’s about fireproof Smurfs coming alive, chucking Bibles, and cursing in Kingdom Halls. So while the humor might not be lost on someone with a non-JW background, for someone who was raised in the Organization it is particularly funny.[return][return]As we are roughly the same age and both raised in the Watchtower Organization, my life had many points of intersection with Kyria’s. For instance I can relate to the pride of giving a first Bible talk at age eight, being looked at sideways as a teenager for listening to “alternative” music, and marrying young. I can also appreciate the struggle of being inclined toward the arts and finding few outlets for expression within the Organization and having to look elsewhere. As it was growing up, if you were gifted athletically there was plenty of opportunities for congregation hockey, baseball, basketball and soccer however there was no similar avenues for those who enjoyed painting, playing music, or writing poetry. [return][return]If this were a fiction book it might be easier to write about, but since the book is about a real person it becomes more delicate. Kyria touches on some pretty heavy issues in the book such as abuse, repressed memories, OCD, cutting, and alcoholism. Her approach to writing about these things is in the same flippant, light-hearted tone as describing giving her first talk or reminiscing on the evils of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”. I understand and appreciate that is important to have a sense of humor when looking at our life but on the other hand these things are serious matters that affect people greatly, even after leaving the religion. The same is true with the portrayal of the Organization, which seems to be shown as being quirky but mostly harmless. Anyone who has been through a disfellowshipping, being cut off from friends and family, can speak of the agony and hurt that comes along with it. This memoir takes it all in stride and does little to go into the deep emotional pain that comes with a Jehovah’s Witness upbringing.[return][return]As the book ends it comes to a conclusion but not necessarily a satisfactory one. While she may have at one time in her life saw herself as being “perfect” and others as “doomed”, at the end you get the feeling she just sees people as people, good and bad, inside and out. As said Kyria touches on some of heavy emotional issues and there doesn’t seem to be a real resolution to any of this. While the book was extremely enjoyable to read the ending left me a bit depressed. I found Kyria to be likeable and it is sad to contemplate that she is still dealing with some of this baggage. Though we have a common religious background our lives take us to different places. I can only speak for what I know is to be true. That said, I honestly believe that Jesus is the solution and healing that is needed in such trouble areas.

[britt_brooke · Rating 3 out of 5]

"The succession of power was this: Jesus was the head over man; man was the head over woman; and woman was the head over peach cobbler and shutting up."

This is a pretty mediocre memoir, but it was my first experience reading about Jehovah's Witnesses and now I need to know more. And I'd really like to get my hands on an issue of The Watchtower just out of sheer curiosity.

[Larissa · Rating 1 out of 5]

Well now I just feel dirty; like I need to bathe... in bleach... and penicillin. This is NOT a book about a 'Jehovah's Witness upbringing.' This IS a book about a deeply dysfunctional family, and a narcissist who manipulated and lied to every person who had the misfortune of getting caught in her path of destruction. What was the author going for? Forgiveness? Sympathy? I was just left feeling disgusted and annoyed. I found myself hoping she would follow through with one of the gazillion threats to kill herself every time someone didn't bend to her will. Don't waste your time on this one, fellow readers. You'll just want to choke her out.

[Matthew Gatheringwater · Rating 3 out of 5]

Because I have a descriptive turn of phrase and memories of a Dickensian childhood, people sometimes suggest I write a book about my early life. I usually reply that this book has already been written—by Jeanette Winterson—and anything I might try to add would be superfluous.

I was, in fact, struggling to make sense of my childhood through fiction when I read Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit and promptly gave up. Even if I somehow could write a novel as good as Winterson's, did the world really need two stories about young Christian evangelicals caring for mentally ill parents and struggling with religious and sexual identity? Outside of a few details (I am not a lesbian, alas, and Winterson is not an American.) there really isn't much difference in our background. I did notice, however, a difference between her novel and my attempts at one.

Cathartic writing does not always make for good reading. That's what I discovered when I tried to describe what it was like to grow up in a religious cult. Winterson's book offered glimpses of humanity in all its characters, but I was still too angry to do much more than offer a catalog of injuries. It was simply not believable, despite being absolutely true. I had not yet learned that the plaintive cry, “But that's the way it really happened!” was a whine familiar in every writer's workshop.

When I wasn't using a shrill and bitter tone to describe the past, I fell into a half-humorous, joking-but-not-really narrative voice, as if I were trying to retroactively sneer away the crazy zealots in my past. This, I came to realize, was a false emotional front. By interjecting adult commentary into a description of my childhood, I was hiding the vulnerability that allowed me to be hurt in the first place. I knew that a truly good book would allow the reader to be vulnerable, too, allowing them to feel a little of the hurt they were reading about. I didn't know how to write that book, and I still don't, although I can recognize that is what makes a novel such as Oranges Aren't The Only Fruit so effective. And it is exactly what seems to me to be missing from a similar book, also by woman who grew up in a religious cult, I'm Perfect You're Doomed: Tales from A Jehovah's Witness Upbringing.

Kyria Abrahams has written a clever and sometimes laugh-out-loud funny book that is worth reading for its own sake but especially if you are any variety of formerly religious, but I think her memoir (quite understandably) suffers from some of the same problems I had in trying to tell my own story. Reading her book has helped me to understand why my own writing was so bad.

There can be humor in tragedy. Humor can sometimes be the best thing to throw tragedy into relief. But to make what is essentially tragic into a kind of running joke is a defensive way to write about the painful past. Abrahams plays Jehovah's Witnesses for laughs, even to the extent of creating a glossary of phrases used by the Witnesses with ironic and derisive definitions, sometimes for phrases I didn't even recall appearing in the text. It was here, especially, that I felt the author was trying to distance herself from her origins by identifying herself with her readers. I can really understand that. After breaking free from a cult, one's instinct is to loudly proclaim, “I have nothing to do with these crazy people!” Yet those crazy people helped to make Abrahams who she is (if only in reaction against) and, worse, as an author, Abrahams is now banking on her identity. A professional survivor's raw materials are unpleasant memories. No wonder she writes in a way that distances her from her past.

One reason I baulk at writing about my own past is that I dislike the idea of being defined by what happens to me instead of what I think and feel and do. The horrible things that happened to me are just a small part of my life; it would be demeaning to know that other people thought they were the most interesting parts of me. And then there is the question of what next: If I am limited to writing about what actually happened, does that mean I have to have more horrible things happen to me in order to maintain people's interest in my life? Perhaps this is one reason Abrahams feels she needs to go into the painful details of alcohol and drug abuse, self-mutilation, and promiscuity that seemed to get worse and worse the farther away she got from her religious community.

In one sense, these tales of bad behavior are brutally honest in that they are unrelenting depictions of painful and no doubt embarrassing behavior. But just as Abrahams presents a harsh caricature of Jehovah's Witnesses, she also presents a (no doubt false) unrelieved negative portrait of herself. She makes fun of the Witnesses, she makes fun of herself as a Witness, and she makes fun of her attempts to figure out what makes for a normal life outside the cult. Again, this self-derision makes it hard to identify with the author.

If this book were shot through with moral reflection, then there would be some point to all this derision. As it is, Abraham's book is a grueling catalog of embarrassing moments with little sense that the author has learned anything from her experiences. One exception to this comes near the end of the book, when she points out that, in the black and white world of a Jehovah's Witness, all moral transgressions were nearly equally bad, so that smoking seemed equally offensive to Jehovah as murder. As a result, it was difficult for her to find her moral compass after leaving the cult.

What I like best about Abraham's book is how she breaks free of the expected ex-cult narrative. She doesn't storm out of the Kingdom Hall on some noble principle. It is hard to tell just when she stops being a Witness. (Fellowship doesn't count. Abrahams seems to have stopped identifying herself as a Witness before she is disfellowshipped; her mother continues to identity herself as a Witness even after she is disfellowshipped.) Life for Abrahams doesn't get better after she leaves the cult, not right away, at least. And it would be hard to say she is a better person for leaving. For all their kookiness, the Witnesses encourage many of the same virtues advocated by other faiths: loving-kindness, respect for others, humility, forgiveness, respect and appreciation. It is when Abrahams is screaming and hitting a man—admittedly a freeloader and a liar, but then so is Abrahams—in an attempt to throw him out of an apartment when he has no place else to go, that I felt the most satisfaction with the book. Now you are really of the world, I thought. Now what you have lost has become apparent. This is honest. This is tragic.

Jeanette Winterson went on to write many books after the publication of Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit. She developed a distinctive and acclaimed writing style. She is now known, not for what happened to her, but for what she has created. I hope Kyria Abrahams, who is obviously a talented and interesting person in her own right, can make that transition, too. As for me, these reflections have led me to look at my own failed attempts to make sense of my early experiences. Perhaps I will try to write about them again someday and apply what I've learned from these books.

[Kirsti · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have a habit of buying books based solely on the title and then being disappointed by the books themselves. This memoir, though not perfect, was satisfying and lived up to the title.

Kyria Abrahams was a Jehovah's Witness but has been disfellowshipped (basically, that means shunned). I know better than to judge an entire religion based on a memoir by one disappointed ex-member. What I liked about this memoir was the chance to see the religion through her eyes. She and I are about the same age and grew up in the same region of the country, so that helped, too.

Abrahams explains that her parents, the elders at the Kingdom Hall, and the Witness literature that she read all told her that committing adultery was a terrible sin that would put her immortal soul in danger. However, these same sources also told her that eating birthday cake was a terrible sin that would put her immortal soul in danger. She feels her parents and the Witness community left her unprepared for life on this earth, though they schooled her well for the post-Armageddon New System. Here's how she describes a parent-teacher-student meeting in which her mother tells her teacher why Kyria will not be taking part in the Pledge of Allegiance: "You can't get much more stuck-up than thinking everyone else in a room is going to die except for you, unless you hold a private meeting with your teacher to inform her of this."

In an attempt to protect her soul, Abrahams's parents and religious leaders forebade or severely restricted her access to many sources of "worldly" satisfaction, including non-Witness friends, higher education, and any sort of significant job training. As a result, she felt fearful, bored, and trapped, and she gave up easily at simple tasks. Naturally, some of this is her own fault; I'm sure her family was dismayed at her decision to drop out of high school.

"I'd spent my childhood being assured that I would never grow old, never get sick, never die. Only a year earlier, I still believed that my destiny was to live forever in God's perfect paradise on earth. This present world was temporary, nothing more than a hotel room in a foreign country. I had not committed the sin of being practical. I had not planned for adulthood. I had no education, no savings, no college buddies to network with. There was the money I made at my job, and at the end of the week, that money was gone."

[Rod Horncastle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you Kyria for sharing your life-story with us. That was horrifyingly fascinating, and hilarious. You're writing style was a blast.

I was hoping the book (and your life) would have a successful conclusion. The only success I see is that you wrote a really entertaining book about it. I hope you've found a way to understand the Jehovah Witnesses for what they are: a warped version of Christianity. Same as the Mormons, Seventh Day Adventists, Islam, Roman Catholicism etc. God didn't give us the Watchtower organization - He gave us the Bible. That was it...and it's enough. You showed us that J.W.'s are just like every other cult: they would rather read numerous pamphlets and religious add-ons than just read the Bible. Even the J.W.'s "poorly translated" English Bible is a start. Why does the world have numerous Bible translations? Because translating is tricky business. The more variety the better. God can handle it.

Any religion that doesn't allow you to fully question it and research their errors and true history is dangerous indeed. If God is really God then the truth shouldn't be afraid of anything. Even the Bible has 100's of embarrassing moments in it. God knew this would be useful information.

I was hoping you would explore some of the good that God and the Bible offers. But it seems you haven't figured any of it out yet. Don't worry, there's still time. Like King Solomon; at least you've explored other areas of life and found them useless.
I would love to chat with you for hours about your experiences. We can all learn from them - Especially with a sense of humor like yours. I would show you that God also has a sense of humor and understands what we go through.

This sums up your quest for truth:
Was the thief on the cross a Jehovah witness? No.
Did he go to heaven? YES. Simply because he knew Jesus after a short conversation with him. Study that conversation and you'll know everything you need to know (and see how the Holy Spirit was involved in that historical moment)

Sorry for the theology 101. But It was a religious book in nature.

[Paul Pessolano · Rating 2 out of 5]

My interest was drawn to this book because I liked the title, I liked the cover, and I liked the subject matter. You know the old adage, "Never judge a book by its cover" and you can add, "Never judge a book by its title">

Kyria Abrahams was brought up a Jehovah's Witness. She was led to believe that Armageddon is upon us. This theme is repeated throughout the book. She must also marry another Jehovah's Witness, and she finds the pickings mightly slim. You are encouraged (almost forced) to attend 3 meeting a week, and you must also go door to door to promote the Witness Program. Holidays are not observed, and "God Forbid" that you sing "Happy Birthday".

Kyria goes on to tell us about her attempt at love affairs, failed marriage, problems with drugs and alcohol, estrangement from he family and her disfellowship from the Jehovah's Witnesses.

The Jehovah's Witnesses are definately not going to like this book, it will probably be put on their banned list.

The problem I have with the book is that Kyria never looks at herself as the cause of her problems, or at least never attempted to solve her problems. She stays dependent on her family and the Jehovah Witnesses. She does manage, at the end of the book, to break the bonds but, in my opinion, she remains unstable and still looking for who knows what.

I had high hopes for this book but I found it missed the mark. The book is classified as "humor" and though there are some humerous parts in the book, I thought overall it was depressing.

[Angela Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

OK, so this is likely not to have as much an impact on you unless you're familiar with the Jehovah's Witness theology or have had some exposure to the religion. I found this book to be fantastic - it was funny, irreverent, but spot-on. I felt like this woman had followed me around and written this book about me- it was frightening how much I could relate. Further proof that when you leave the religion, your entire world does not come tumbling down, you do not become a drug-addicted prostitute, and the sun continues to shine.

[Kirsten · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sometimes memoirs are dangerous things, especially memoirs that are going for a more "wacky" angle about the author's bizarre and/or horrifying childhood. This is a good one, though; Abrahams treats her childhood self sympathetically, but also can't help but point out both the absurdity of her situation and the insane way she handled it.

As the title indicates, Kyria Abrahams grew up Jehovah's Witness, and the first part of her memoir is a fascinating child's eye view of what this entails and how real people navigate the often-ridiculous strictures of the faith. As she gets older, Kyria begins to rebel against her faith, but not before dropping out of school, entering into an ill-advised marriage, and discovering the wonders of alcoholism and suicidal ideation. Oddly, it's not really a depressing read, and you find yourself rooting for the young Kyria, almost in spite of yourself -- she's so screwed up, and makes so many stupid mistakes, but at the same time... Well, as she puts it, when you grow up in a faith that regards murder and smoking as equally bad because all sins are equal in the eyes of Jehovah, it tends to really throw off your sense of the world.

The only thing I sort of wished for was more resolution, even though it is probably artistically more interesting to end where she did. The memoir ends with Kyria just barely finding her feet after burning all of her bridges, and I found myself wanting to call her and check up: "Are you really ok now? Do you talk to your parents? How's that drinking problem?" But maybe that's material for a sequel.

[Mindy · Rating 2 out of 5]

Fear not--this former Jehovah's Witness memoir isn't an attack on doctrinal or organizational matters. Instead it focuses on Kyria's personal experiences as a child and young adult as a JW. Not that these experiences are highly complimentary or even all that realistic. I think she touches on every aspect of JW-dom that might seem out of the ordinary to non-JWs and ratchets up the strange on most of them. Anyone raised as a JW will probably relate to her description of accidentally attending a birthday party or not being allowed to watch the Smurfs, but eventually it starts to feel a little over the top as each and every stereotype is hit on and pounded over the head a few too many times. For me, at least. However, I will say that it was pretty compulsively readable, and while I may not have always gotten where Kyria was coming from, I was always curious about where she was going to end up.

The glossary at the end of the book should not go unmentioned. I felt that most of the book was pretty dark, but the glossary was a slightly snarky sort of funny that I thought was great (and I'm not usually a fan of snark). If you've any experience with JWs, you'll want to check out the glossary at least and perhaps the rest of the book if you're up to the wild ride that was Kyria's life as a JW.

[Courtney · Rating 1 out of 5]

UGH! Just finished reading it and I loathed it! I finished it out of pure stubbornness and naive hope that it might end with her actually becoming a productive member of society instead of the skanky-drunk-suicidal-foulmouthed-druggie she is/was.

I thought that this would be an interesting insight into Jehovah Witness Doctrine an beliefs but it was mostly a depressing story about an immature, attention-loving poser's life. Religion definitely played a part in her hardships by giving her skewed expectations of what the world is like, but mostly I think she probably has a tendency to mental disorders and grew up in a slightly more dysfunctional family than everyone else does. So, mostly the story seemed like a rant and I suggest that no one waste their time on it.

Go do something productive with your life Kyria! You're not completely helpless to your own circumstances!

[Judith · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'm Perfect, You're Doomed: Tales from a Jehovah's Witness by Kyria Abrahams takes a humorous approach to apocalypticism. That a young woman, coming of age, believing that the end of the world is near, is unprepared for adult responsibility just begs for wacky punchlines. Abrahams’ over the top jokes about Jehovah's Witnesses' beliefs, for example that attending birthday parties or buying used furniture will result in demon possession, adds to the silliness. However, after Abrahams is “disfellowshiped,” and she still cannot distinguish the effects of real demons, like alcohol, drugs, and promiscuity, the laughs are fewer and more self-conscious. Without the bio on the dust cover, saying that she is alive and well and making it as a comedienne, it could have been a gruesome read.

[Coleen · Rating 3 out of 5]

4/9/10 - My knowledge of Jehovah's Witnesses is fairly limited. I had a friend growing up who was a JW. We weren't close friends, and I think that's probably largely due to the fact that she was indeed a JW & even at a young age, that kind of creeped me out. I was never confrontational enough to get in her face & challenge her beliefs, but it was definitely disturbing to me that she couldn't celebrate birthdays & holidays, & that there were supposedly only 144,000 people who got to go to heaven. Fortunately for me, she was never real pushy with her beliefs -- at least not directly to me -- other than a couple Watchtower pamphlets thrust into my possession. Since then, I haven't had much direct association with any Jehovah's Witnesses. I see them occasionally in town in pairs in their dark suits, riding their bikes.

But I wanted to read this book because I really was curious to hear about the life of a Jehovah's Witness from an ex-JW. And so yes, I was enlightened, although I also can't help but wonder if some things were exaggerated a bit, considering the author is described as a standup comedian on the back cover. The ironic thing is that I did actually enjoy the book...up UNTIL the point where Kyria became disfellowshiped. At that point, things just got crazy & I felt like she was totally over the edge. I'm assuming that's kind of the point of this memoir -- that growing up as a JW kind of screwed her up enough so that she really didn't know what her place in the world was. But the aftermath was just depressing. And the ending was totally abrupt. When I turned the last page & found the glossary, my exact thought was, "This is IT?!"

I was curious, so after finishing the book, I checked out the website (www.kyriaabrahams.com), and that was kind of...interesting. It would appear that she's still "floating" out there somewhat, so to speak. I do hope that she someday finds her way in the world, as well as finding the true meaning of God. I think if she does find God, the "real" God, she will be able to find her inner peace.

[Bunny · Rating 5 out of 5]

The best part about reading this book was meeting up with the best friend Laura afterwards and confirming with her all the crazy shit the JWs believe in. I actually expected her to tell me these were exaggerations. I was horrified to find out that Kyria Abrahams is pretty much spot on with the insanity these people believe in.

This is a seriously hilarious book. It got dark towards the middle, but with an upbringing like she had, I would expect no less. And to be honest, my experience with "stumbled" JWs tells me this isn't all that uncommon!

Kyria writes with a wonderful sassy wit, and I can imagine how much fun she had putting these stories together into novel form. I don't have nearly this many great stories from a Catholic upbringing, but my family wasn't very good at it. These people were hardcore.

Despite the fact that she turned into a brat once the opportunity to get married came up (and after that), my heart really did hurt for her. She wasn't prepared properly for real life ("Fuck real life, we're going to live forever!"), and she kind of got bitch slapped with it.

The whole point of reading this book, though, is to get a peek at what the life of a JW is really like. I can't wait until Laura reads this and can tell me more clearly how much is accurate and if she left anything out.

Laura couldn't watch The Smurfs. She did go to huge JW conventions. Her family had a nice dinner sometime in November for no reason whatsoever. Voting for Obama was a huge thing for her, because she'd never saluted the flag before. And she would give "talks", though she wasn't allowed to do it by herself because she wasn't allowed to preach to the menfolk. Men are above women.

Jehovah's Witnesses make me want to sin. A lot. But then again, I'm wordly, so what do I know?

[Kevin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Since the same traumatic childhood memories that make accounts like this so disconcerting to read are also what make it so compelling, it's only natural for the reader to feel like the voyeur to the author's exhibitionist. Best to accept that relationship, and move past judging Kyria Abrahams for her choices (as the congregation did) or condemning the Kingdom Hall for their oppression (as many readers, myself included, certainly want to.)

Beyond those knee-jerk reactions is the story of a smart girl who was denied knowledge, who struggled with personal demons that everyone in authority would have her believe were capable of manifesting physically to drag her to hell.

If her struggles to pull away from the Watchtower life led her to some unpleasant alternatives, the reader can still take faith that she was on her way to finding an outlet for her creativity. If we are lucky, we'll get to read another book that picks up where I'm Perfect, You're Doomed left us.

Look for the glossary.

[Brian Erland · Rating 4 out of 5]

"I'm Perfect, You're Doomed" provides the reader with a delightful blend of thoughtful insights into the world of the Jehovah's Witness sifted through the humorous, witty mind of author and comedian Kyria Abrahams. There's nothing quite like laughing and learning while you read. Woody Allan and Ram Dass have long been masters of this teaching technique and it appears that Miss Abrahams is more than just familiar with the method.

I've read several books by ex-Jehovah's Witnesses detailing the trials and tribulations forced upon them by zealous parents and extended community of believers. They are by definition generally a sobering, melancholy read leaving the reader shaking his head and thanking his lucky stars that they where not subjected to such a fate. In "I'm Perfect, You're Doomed" Kyria Abrahams has found a way to transform her life's experience brought about by this restrictive, ostracizing mindset and lifestyle into an insightful and at times delightful vision of triumph and personal transformation.

[Joy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I bought this book from a book store that was going out of business. It was one of the only books left in the religious section, and since I have a strong interest in other religions and cultures, I thought it would be a good addition to my collection.
"I'm Perfect, You're Doomed" is the true story of a girl who is raised from birth as a Jehovah's Witness and slowly falls away from her beliefs on her path to adulthood.
Most of the book is great. It's well-written, and the first half of the book is hilarious. The second half of the story is a little more serious, and the author does a good job of pointing out the real issues underneath the humor of her situation.
I was a little disappointed in the ending, as it felt very abrupt and as if there was really no ending at all. But since this is a true story, I'm willing to accept it, because life rarely has crisp, clean endings.

[Stephanie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I can tell that this was written by a comedian, as she definitely has a funny style and voice in the book. However, it did get uncomfortable to read, especially toward the end, with the lifestyle she had. She does show herself in an unflattering and silly light, which I believe she does on purpose to be self-deprecating - to show how ignorant she was being a part of the Jehovah's witnesses. I think she does bring up a good point, that if so many things were all just considered bad, from murder to smoking to watching a "worldly" movie, it's hard to really know right from wrong. Overall it wasn't really my style of humour, so I didn't love it. But I do think it was reflective, honest and had a style of humour.

[╟ ♫ Tima ♪ ╣ ♥ · Rating 3 out of 5]

The first 100 pages or so are the most interesting, in my opinion. They cover her childhood as a Jehovah's Witness.

After that, the memoir is more just about her making really bad decisions involving drugs, alcohol, cutting and getting away with be a drain on society.

She doesn't really appear to go through any growth as a person (at least, not that she conveyed) and the last half of the book felt sloppy, disorganized and had some big gaps in the stories.

The best part of the book is where she's talking about her disdain for a slam poet by the name of "Trevor Bali" who's an English teacher. The real name of this guy is Taylor Mali and I have loved his work since the first time I heard it 6 years ago. ;)