Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal With People Who Try to Control You

by Patricia Evans

Does this sound like someone you know?

*Always needs to be right

*Tells you who you are and what you think

*Implies that you're wrong or inadequate when you don't agree

*Is threatened by people different from him- or herself

*Feels attacked when questioned

*Doesn't seem to really hear or see you

If any of the traits above sound familiar, help is on the way! In Controlling People, bestselling author Patricia Evans (The Verbally Abusive Relationship) tackles the "controlling personality," and reveals why and how these people try to run other people's lives. She also explains the compulsion that makes them continue this behavior-even as they alienate others and often lose those they love.

Patricia Evans is the founder of the Evans Interpersonal Communications Institute in Alamo, CA. She conducts workshops across the country, and has made numerous media appearances. Her first book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, was praised by Newsweek as "groundbreaking."

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Mental Health, Relationships, Abuse, Business

322 pages, Kindle Edition

First published February 1, 2002

About the author

Patricia Evans is the bestselling author of five books, including The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out, Controlling People, The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change? and Victory Over Verbal Abuse. She has appeared on Oprah, CNN, national radio, and in Newsweek and O, The Oprah Magazine. She has spoken to groups throughout the US, Canada, Madrid at the "Commission for the Investigation of Violence Against Women" and in five cities in Australia. Patricia lives in the San Francisco Bay Area.

Librarian note: There is more than one author in the Goodreads database with this name.

Reviews

[Ruth · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book has some good ideas, but the theory that ties them together is not explained very clearly. Also, the terminology she creates for her theory is goofy and confusing. This is too bad, since the topic is an important one, and Evans does not demonize the controlling person, but talks about people who want to stop acting that way.

It's clear that the author has no background in psychology--a basic knowledge of attachment theory and ego psychology would illuminate the mentality of controlling people.

Instead of reading the book, read my summary of its good points:

-Acting "controlling" includes a variety of behaviors that are designed to force or manipulate the target, e.g., physical abuse, verbal abuse, direct and implied threats, harassment, stalking, isolation, discrimination, and defining others.
-CPs act the most controlling with the people they feel emotionally closest to, usually their children or romantic partners.
-Controlling People (CPs) act this way in order to meet important emotional needs that they are usually unaware that they have.
-CPs have a mental image of the kind of person who will meet their needs, and they believe they can get those needs met by forcing a real person to conform to that image and engage in the behaviors that meet their needs.
-CPs believe that emotional intimacy must involve a merging of selves, so they experience differences of opinion, identity or taste as dire threats to intimacy. They also expect intimacy to produce mind-meld, so their thoughts, feelings, and wishes will be understood without their having to express them.
-If CPs cannot feel merged with another person, they feel a devastating aloneness. If a target is unable or unwilling to conform with the CP's demands, the CP will perceive this as a hateful attack, designed to make them feel devastatingly alone and vulnerable (b/c due to mind-meld, the target must have known how the CP would feel).
-CPs usually believe their controlling behavior is justified, morally right, necessary, or at least inevitable. If this belief is difficult to maintain about a particular incident, they will forget what they did.
-Controlling behavior usually backfires on CPs, eventually getting them the opposite results of their goal.
-CPs have distorted and incomplete understandings of the people they try to control, and of the effects of their controlling behavior. In short, they lack empathy. Their view of a relationship is all about the other person meeting their needs, and does not acknowledge the other person having any separate or conflicting needs.
-For a target, self-awareness and trusting one's own reactions are both necessary to resist CPs' attacks.
-For a target, connecting to people and groups of people who also trust your self-definition and reactions is very helpful for resisting CPs. They can give you the reality check you may need to be reassured that you are not irrational--the CP is.
-One indicator of whether a person is a CP is if they verbally define others. They will claim to know, without a doubt, who, what or how somebody is, or what they should be or do, often on the basis of little or no evidence. Sterotyping is when this kind of thinking is applied to large groups.
-Another indicator of a CP is if they often consider their actions or feelings to be "caused" by others, as if they had no control over themselves.
-Other, closely related, indicators of a CP are always needing to be right, win, and feel superior.
-CPs may form oppressive groups that are organized around controlling members and/or outsiders. Gangs, cults and racial-supremicist organizations are obvious examples, but a workplace, church, club or clique can be oppressive too.
-When a CP tries to define you to your face, don't try to persuade them to see your point of view--they will see that as your accepting their right to define you. Instead, directly challenge their premise, by looking at them as if they're nuts or saying something like "What?" or "Nonsense," "You don't know what I'm thinking," "How dare you tell me how I should feel?" "That's just your opinion," etc.
-CPs who want to give up acting controlling, must learn to find true intimacy by paying attention to the real individuality of themselves and others.

[Jen · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was SO helpful!

The book says that ANY time a person believes they know what you think, feel, believe, etc., without you telling them, they are pretending. Pretending (in this way) is a sign of a controlling person.

I have believed that other people can tell me what I think. What I feel. Who I am. What I believe. What I do. What I don't do. I have accepted other people's definitions of me.

Now, when I hear people make statements that are pretending to know what I think or feel, I understand it better.
"You obviously didn't read it..."
"This is what you want..."
"You are just angry because you feel guilty..."
"You're too sensitive..."
"You're too negative..."
"You remembered, you just didn't want to do it..."
"You'll change your mind..."
"You should..."
"You need..."
"You're doing it wrong..."

Statements like the ones above used to frustrate me, but I didn't understand why. After reading this book, I can see that these statements violate my boundaries. It FEELS frustrating, because it is frustrating.

She also gave suggestions on how to deal with statements like these. Don't argue. Don't explain. Don't try to help the other person see what they are doing. She also points out the difference between asking a person what they are thinking and feeling and TELLING a person what they are thinking and feeling.

I am starting to see that I am my own person. I know me. I know what I think. What I feel. Who I am. No one else knows those things, unless I have told them.

They don't know what I am thinking, and I don't know what they are thinking.

[Blair · Rating 5 out of 5]

While I've seen some reviews that suggest that from a psychoanalytical point of view this book is weak, I found it tremendously valuable.

I think the source of the disconnect in those reviews can be found in the goal of the book. This book is not about curing or fixing controlling people. It is mostly about setting yourself free from the controlling behaviour of others. The key point is that most of the work of freeing yourself is not about changing the other person but about changing your view of them and your approach to communication with them.

I think we all attempt to control people in our lives to some degree. It is inevitable. This book can help people who *want* to be more conscious in the relationships to develop better communication and reduce their own tendency to control others.

[Leo Robertson · Rating 3 out of 5]

Useful. I haven't read a lot of books like this, but are they all like this? I mean to say that they hone in on certain psychologies and behaviours and break them down into understandable patterns (great) but in so doing, create a whole new vocabulary of terms-- Witness, Pretend Person, Teddy, The Corn Story (not so great)?

More useful universal terms exist for the same things: emotional manipulator, codependent, internalising, projecting, etc. Then everyone's speaking the same language. It's like trying to brand universal truths, in a way. Which I think is useful if you want to make money, right? "I'm a therapist and all my clients are using all these metaphors as shorthand for what's going on and apparently they're all coming from this Patricia Evans book."

I suppose that's what literature does too: stories serve as shorthands for truths about life, to help us understand it, and many stories may have the same truth but a different brand, and we find the brand we most identify with. When I taught English, I had to think of several ways to express the same idea to one class so that it clicked in everyone's heads because people learn differently. So I guess it's a good thing, but I can't be sure.

[Lana Mason · Rating 1 out of 5]

I found this book baffling to read. It wasn't organized clearly, and it seemed to spend too much time defining things we already knew, and skipped what we wanted to know: how to deal with the people who control you, as promised. The second part was more clear than the first, but still a miasma of stories and examples, some of which made little sense at first. The reason why they made little sense is because the author took many more pages to describe something than needed. For instance, the "Teddy" story (Yeah, a lot of people seem stuck on that, with good reason). Pages upon pages are here to explain what Teddy is, and how the Controller grew up with Teddy being the perfect companion who never says no and always knows what the Controller wants.

Those pages upon pages could have been summed up in a couple of sentences: The Controller projects what they want you to be onto you, and don't see the real person underneath. All they see is their projection. DONE. Give me lots of money for writing a psychology book now.

Whole book is like that... and with all the useless examples and wordiness it makes it hard to filter through to any real messages.

[Tammy · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of them books to go back to. A must read for people who have been made "crazy" by other people. Helps understand the mind of those sick people with the skills to make you crazy.

[Me · Rating 5 out of 5]

A review of this book...what to say?

Firstly, yes, this is a good one. A very good one. I appreciate the book because the author defines verbal abuse, attempts at controlling people, and the players and what they do in this control illusion, quite well.

Secondly, the terminology. "Teddy." Can't stand it. Dislike it. But, hey, applying the principle of "first thought wrong" and then the Stoic "reflection" habit, I understand the intent. Teddy equals an attached security blanket for the "pretender." I think John Bowlby would approve. Still, the term "teddy," "pretender," "witness." I get it. Just wish there was something else besides "teddy." I'll struggle to bring that term to a men's domestic abuse group I run. I'll work on that.

Third, the author, in my opinion, may need to write out more descriptions of how people are "backwards" connected. I've never come across this term and I feel that it describes what I see and hear in therapy (I'm a therapist, btw) and in the media and in what we accept as entertainment, and in politics, etc. Backwards, externally defined, pigeon-holed, definition of that which cannot be define externally, "relations." Being at attachment based therapist, knowing what a "secure base" is and also knowing how few people ever spend the time to reflect on what true security, internal security, internal knowledge of self is, this "backwards" term answers so much.

What a revealing idea...pay attention to our communication and our words and reflect on whether we are attempting to control others by defining them externally. No wonder name-calling works so well and creates such hostility...it is illusionary, telling individuals who they are (at least how the external world "thinks" we/they "should" [Karen Horney would love this, I think]).

The author does touch a wee bit on religion. Hmm. The difference between religion and spirituality are two different things and may be beyond the scope of the book...but I feel either the topic could have been fleshed out more or discarded for another time. I dunno. I didn't write this book. Wish I did.

[LemontreeLime · Rating 1 out of 5]

An important subject for discussion, and many interesting points. But the way it was presented was too cold: controlling people are divided up into THEM, the one-cylinder, two-cylinder types, the unthinking 'other's, 'backwards', and a constant hammering of the term 'spell', 'sorcery', being 'under a spell'. Everyone can be a a**hole or a jerk once in a while, everyone can take our innate 'theory of mind',that trying to understand the other person through our own experiences and beliefs, and can make mistakes when interacting with other people. I would recommend trying another book on this subject, this feels too knee-jerk all or nothing. This text also feels to be a little bit perfectionist in the opposite direction: the controllers are not treated as other humans, but as defective others to be identified and eliminated from relationships, and only perfect relationships are to be courted... perhaps what it needs is instead of a judgmental I or THOU presentation, why not a dose of clean the slate humor instead? But then by saying my opinion, am i trying to be a controller?

[Katie Butler · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book could definitely be summarized but the main takeaway was control is a backward attempt at connection. I liked the new perspective it offered and that it humanizes every person in a control connection including those who are controlling. They are not painted as evil as much as they are unaware, often well-intended but seriously mislead. Had some good examples and suggestions but was quite repetitive.

[T.K. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book! This book has given me the missing puzzle piece in my relationships, and is really helping me improve them. I highly recommend it!

[Ruth Conrad · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is good at describing controlling people and all the ways that they are weird and disconnected. I was looking for more answers in how to deal with controlling people.

[Linda Delorme]

run,,run as fast as you can when you are in their presence!

[Jason Harris · Rating 1 out of 5]

I decided to give this book a try because I hoped to get some good insights. And I did. Evans' concept of defining ourselves from the outside in is brilliant. The notion of the backwards connection and the Teddy concept have some definite merit. The importance of learning about the world from all four functions is a helpful balancing truth.

Additionally, I think she captures the concept of the controller being threatened by signs of separateness quite well. It is quite insightful for situations of abusive control.

Unfortunately, Evans has three profound problems in this book (and for two of the points, in some of her other writing).

First, and this is least problematic, she is seemingly totally unaware of the categories she is dealing with. She seems to completely lack awareness of the state of the science of psychology even though she is addressing topics deeply embedded in that space. I wonder what she could have contributed had she taken the time to learn the basic state of human knowledge on her topic before writing.

Second, her thinking lacks precision. Chronically. Again and again, she makes points which indicate great insight into various aspects of the human condition, but fail to get to the pith of the matter. I found this in her verbally abusive relationships book where she fails to recognise that non-abusive relationships can have harsh words and abusive relationships can lack them. In this book, the problem is worse. And spirals. A turn of phrase ("he's beside himself") is read into far more than can be justified and then an extensive system is built on the point. Her thinking simply lacks rigour. And seems to suffer from a lack of critical feedback. There are many problems that I would expect a friend, colleague, or editor would point out immediately. These first two problems apply to both of the books I've read. The next one is unique to this book.

Third, this book starts with some reasonable ideas but slowly devolves as it progresses. By the last section, it has turned into an openly ideological attack on most world religions and—bizarrely—open proselytising for a strange form of pantheism. Let me demonstrate these points since they do indeed seem too strange to be true.

So let's start with her dismissal of the major world religions. She says "[Religions] emerged to support people's lives, to alleviate suffering, and to express connection to All That Is, by whatever name: God, Goddess, the Messiah, the Supreme Being, the Great Spirit, Jevah, Brahman, Nirvana, or Allah" (p. 224). In this breathtaking sentence, she sweeps most of the world's religions aside as cheap lies designed to make people feel better. By my calculations, her comment dismisses Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, and animism/shamanism (these religions represent more than 80% of the entire human population) as substantially meaningless and mere means to the end of making people feel more connected. This is one of many such comments, some of which suggest that all organised religion is controlling and abusive.

In exchange for all of these religions, she offers the connection we seek through a god she calls "the compelling force" who is both in you/me and separate from us as All That Is (p. 239, etc). At one point she defines this compelling force as "human consciousness itself" (p. 232). In short, she is a pantheist. But doesn't seem to know it. Or care that she doesn't know it.

So basically, the book gets weird. Really weird. And I find it dishonest when someone writes a book to convince me of a religious view without admitting that on the first page. But then if you're going to try to convince me to be a pantheist (she gives this as the solution to controlling behaviour), at least give me some arguments for pantheism. Don't treat me like an idiot who knows nothing about religion and will take up a new religion because some self-help writer told me to. Which is the extent of her reasoning... "It will help you be less controlling. So accept it." It's embarrassing. And insulting. And intellectually lazy. And so, so bigoted.

I won't get these hours back. But I hope I can spare you some wasted time.

[Aura · Rating 1 out of 5]

Cartea se numeste 'Oamenii dominatori. Cum sa le faci fata oamenilor care incearca sa le controleze'. Ai crede dupa titlu ca e o carte plina de sfaturi si ponturi, dar nu este asa. Cartea este despre ce spune in titlu doar vreo 2-3 pagini. In rest 200+ pagini se bate apa in piua, se dau exemple dupa exemple de comportamente ale oamenilor dominatori (dar atat), cartea fiind repetitiva si epuizandu-si rapid ideea. Totul putea fi comprimat in 30 pagini. Nu cred ca e o carte buna, ideea putea fi analizata mult mai bine, iar cel mai tare ma deranjeaza ca titlul iti prezinta ceva ce nu gasesti inauntru.

P.S. : traducerea/editarea nu i-a facut cinste cartii, am gasit in carte expresii ca: 'nu se merita' si 'trebuie sa continuu sa scriu'. Mda, no comment

[Carolyn]

Very eye-opening! Excellent descriptions and analogies of how controlling people are "made" and how they think.

[Mahdieh Ebrahimi · Rating 5 out of 5]

ایده ی نویسنده خیلی خیلی جالبه و باتجربیات شخصی من در این ضمینه همخوانی داره کتاب بسیار بسیار دوست داشتنی بود و خیلی لذت بردم

[S · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was an eye-opener for me. I recommend it for being or becoming a person. I recommend it for shy women & for the "it's okay" reactive person who makes excuses for another person's disrepect & disregard of your person. Know this, you can think well of yourself & respect yourself & STILL be prone to accepting disregard shown to you in a relationship in which your respect for yourself is not shared. And/or you can be blinded by manipulation to believe you are recognized as a worthy-of-respect person. You are being used to make another person feel good about himself by disdaining you. It's the you being the "lesser than" in his mind. Warning: Do not believe you can show your worth to the person who believes he is "better than" you; he has his view of his Self invested in your worthlessness. If he sees you as separate & worthy, sees you as independent of him, you are a threat to how he feels about himself. He can't see you as equal, you must be lesser for him to feel he's "better than" others including you. So divest yourself of that false belief that he'll eventually "see" you. If you hang in, besides the emotional abuse continuing, you might be blindsided: think infidelity or affair, think your joint account (if applicable) being depleted, & the fight within of your self-hatred for a time. Be yourself proudly without him. Learn about self-care: enough sleep, nourishing food, & a movement activity (walk, dance, etc), EVERY DAY do these 3 to begin to conceive what self-care is; they are your priorities, no one can usurp their doing. And women, always have the means & a plan to get out of a relationship bc if you become disrespected, or if your partner begins to be a cross between a teenager who is irresponsible & a man who acts as if he is a king on a throne looking down upon you, telling you how to cut the carrots in your recipe & inserting himself in anything that you do so you are not separate from him, you must get out. Being trapped in such a r/s is hell & will almost destroy you, could destroy you. You are unsafe. It is a long comeback, don't set yourself up for it. I'm not making light of physical abuse but physically abused women have the police & nonprofit agencies to try to help them escape & they could be killed; but emotional abuse is gradual. It depletes you gradually up until the blindsiding that awakens you & decimates you bc you were still trying & thought you being you would be enough to make him see you aren't who he thinks. [See that false belief mentioned above.] Talk to someone who has already learned how to be a person, not a recipient of emotional games that are for shaking you loose from being confident you. Women who believe they can "turn" a man must let go of that other person & become focused on Self to become a separate person, a person who will not accept disdain & passive-aggressiveness & ambivalence. Leave. Rescue yourself & separate so as to experience normalcy, environments with decent treatment of people & to experience respectful interactions yourself. You need to experience clarity. Emotional abuse is mind games that cause you to not see the difference between decent & indecent treatment, &, not to condemn you but in hope you'll see: you're doubly blind if you've been making excuses for the other person, you've become an accessory to your undoing. I'm not criticizing you, I want you to wake up, to see, to say "no more, no more, no more". I'm pulling for you. The book "Controlling People" can help to break you from being a target by you trying to be "nice" bc it shows you how easily you can be taken over if you don't see the techniques. The books makes you aware that you have boundaries that define you, boundaries that show others what you'll allow & won't. The book helps you to see when the move to step closer to controlling you by defining you in the controller's term. The book opened my eyes to see that it is when another person defines you not as you are or as you are to open a way to converse, to make you feel comfortable bc of this seemingly common ground. It was eerie a bit to read how easy this is for a stranger to try to create a bond or to define you & judge how he sees you as you "lesser than", not cool at all like him, or to dazzle you with praise about what he sees. Take care of YOUR Self. Be the guardian of YOUR precious & valuable soul. Giving another person guardianship authority of your soul is eventual suicide. IT IS A DANGEROUS WAY TO LIVE. You be your soul's guardian so that it can stop being FEARFUL. Listen to the voice, the nudge, the feeling the soul imparts to you. Listen & secure the safety of your soul so you can eventually know how peace feels. You aren't on earth to make someone's warped view of what he must have to feed his persona of being a nice guy by reducing you to an object, good for using until you're not & are forgotten & shattered, useless, almost destroyed. Enough said. Read the book. It is an eye-opener. And Ms. Evans speaks of how to react I believe. I don't remember bc I read it 5 years ago after experiencing being trapped in a hellish relationship. One P.S. Give a neutral to how you judge a new person; iow, don't automatically assume the person is "nice" no matter who he knows who you know, no matter who introduces you. Stay at a neutral; stay observant. As all say, it's the actions, not the words that best solidify an impression. How does he treat waitstaff, his friends, others? What are his reasonings? You be observant & listen. Don't give your good favor from the start; start with neutral toward people & let them prove themselves. I've written lots of warnings, I'll stop here. I wish you a safe & joyous life. Read Ms. Evans book to live less liable to the person, who needs control of you, finding a way in.

[Mark Nangle · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the most caring, helpful and generous self-help authors I have ever read. It seems Patricia Evans' aim is to truly help free people from a certain type of enslavement ( I can imagine Bob Marley singing "Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery. None but ourselves can free our minds ). She stays clear and to the point and organises her book in such a way that it has the effect of leading you from darkness into light, ignorance into knowledge. Well done. Recommended.

[Terrah Mayes · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is so insightful. Perhaps a bit simplistic but coupled with Patricia Evens's other books, this book comes full circle to helping to understand both overt and covert controlling people. This book acknowledges that men can be controlled, but tends to be geared toward the national statistic of abused women. It is a worthwhile read- especially if you read her other books. Best Regards, T-

[Janet Jensen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Controlling people are all around us. This book is helpful in recognizing this personality and how to deal with it. We will see ourselves in the complex interaction of various personalities in this book

[Catheryn · Rating 3 out of 5]

I can say that this book helps to identify 'some' controlling behavior but it misses a lot of the passive/aggressive behaviors. I enjoyed the book but the concepts sort of got lost over the years for me as I learned more about passive/aggressive behavior.

[Chad · Rating 5 out of 5]

more people need to read this book

I learned a lot from this book. I think that if more people read and understood what is in this book we would have much better, more fulfilling relationships with each other (and probably a lot less stress).

[Arci · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book seemed so repetitive to me as it went along. The whole Teddy complex started to get annoying after awhile. Also, while it helped me recognize some things, I've read books that have by far had more insight than this.

[Nicole · Rating 2 out of 5]

useful, but Evans ties a lot of things to gendered behavior/the patriarchy and doesn't talk about controlling women much.

[Sandra_Somm · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful! Particularly the chapter discussing how others define you through "you" statements. "You don't really like that."

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is my favorite book of all time.

[Katrina · Rating 5 out of 5]

I liked how she talked about people fighting depression, using drugs, struggling with low self esteem and yet we as a society don’t solve the real problem itself- people controlling other people. I feel she made too many excuses for the abuser at parts of her book. She says he is unaware of his abuse and control. This may be true in a few cases but I feel most abusers know exactly what they are doing. I did find the history of how people become controlling interesting and helpful. However, regardless of their past it is still their responsibility to recognize their behavior and change it. I enjoyed reading about psychic boundaries. Her saying that this is the boundary that is trespassed by anyone who tries to control you really inspired me to explore that more. Pages 90-99 are must reads. As a victim of domestic violence it was hard to read but very insightful. I really liked how she talked about what healthy looks like. Because I have never seen a healthy family dynamic I have been trying to find what healthy looks like. So, it really helped me to read this. Some quotes I liked: Pg. 45 we can best see our inner reality when it is reflected back to us without distortion. Children who are nurtured, supported, and clearly mirrored by their caretakers can “see” themselves clearly. —Pg.55 People who have managed to retain their individuality despite the fact that someone tried to control them by defining them, knew that the other was pretending, knew that the other was falsely defining them. —Pg.56 It is often very difficult to believe in oneself, especially when one is constantly told not to. But it is the ability and freedom to define oneself, and to see the other as pretending that protects one from negating his or her true self. — Pg.58 When people make up your reality-as if they were you-they are trying to control you. Since only you can define yourself, your self definition is yours. It isn’t necessary that you prove it or explain it. It is, after all, your own. Self-definition is inherent in being a person. She goes on to say anyone that defines you is being irrational and you should not defend yourself. — Pg. 234 If people base their choices on what they’ve been told rather than on their own experience, a lifetime of difficulty may ensue. —Pg.235 No one can prove themselves to a controller.

Just as assaults to the body are harmful so are assaults to the psyche all such assaults are attempts to control us

It is our freedom to define ourselves

[ErinNoelle Blanton · Rating 4 out of 5]

I didn’t expect Controlling People to feel so personal. I thought it would be a self-help book about manipulation or boundaries, but it turned out to be something deeper—something that spoke directly to experiences I’ve had but never had the right words for.

As I read, I kept nodding along. Evans talks about how control isn’t always loud or obvious—it can be quiet, subtle, even wrapped in care. She calls it “defining” someone, when another person starts telling you who you are, what you think, or how you feel. It sounds small, but it’s the kind of thing that can slowly make you doubt yourself. I started remembering moments when I walked away from a conversation feeling twisted up inside, like I’d lost my footing without knowing why.

What I like most about this book is how kind it feels. Evans doesn’t shame anyone—not the person being controlled, and not even the one doing the controlling. She writes from a place of understanding, as if she’s seen this cycle play out many times and knows how deeply both sides are hurting. Her tone made me feel safe enough to look at my own patterns, to think about when I’ve let someone else’s version of me replace my own, or when I’ve tried too hard to “fix” someone instead of letting them be.

I found myself reading it slowly, sometimes just a few pages at a time. It’s not a book you race through—it’s one you sit with. It made me want to be more aware of how I communicate, how I listen, and how I hold my own truth when someone else is trying to rewrite it.

By the end, I felt lighter, like something had quietly shifted. It reminded me that being in control of yourself isn’t about being rigid—it’s about being real, even when that means saying, “That’s not how I see it.”

[Lisa · Rating 3 out of 5]

Has someone you try to love told that you don't think what you think, to the point of crazymaking where you don't know anything about yourself or love anymore? Has your grandmanager told you what you feel after reading one of your emails, and then argued with you when you corrected that you don't feel that way? Has a group of people slapped a label on you for years and then seen everything you do through that narrow prism, so there is no reality anymore, only "perception"? Have you ever wondered, "Why are they treating me this way, and how can I make myself make them stop it?" Do you like cupcakes? Then we're a lot alike. Read this book. Are you raising children? Read this book. Are they old enough to read? Have them read this book. If your life hasn't been like this, it might be hard to grasp how damaging all of those dynamics can be, and how they mold you, but there's still time for your kids to save themselves from others. Everything grooves along until 3/4 of the way through, when we have to carry our canoes through the Deepak Chopra 101 "we're all connected" near religiosity. If you're an atheist, you'll say, duh, that's why I'm an atheist, find the exposition interminably long, and compile a mental Costco list. If you ascribe to an organized faith that excludes others, I have no idea what you'll think. Either way, if you're surrounded by people who control you, or if you lamely and unwittingly try to love one or several who do, this may answer a few questions. I understand now why some children have dolls, imaginary friends, and tea parties with cloth frog.

[Bernadette · Rating 4 out of 5]

interesting premise - controlling people create another self that they transpose onto others in a way to meet a need. this is part of the way children are often - minimized, belittled, controlled when we are small and is definitely learned when a parent does the same to their kids - transposing only acceptable wants/senses/feelings/thinking - to delegitimizing any other sense of self. the child may dream up a version of the opposite sex who would fill in the holes created by this upbringing - and create the connection they need to feel seen. then they walk around looking for this “perfect person” and unfortunately they do this to ppl the closest to them. so. their children. their partner. and lo and behold they are just broken fallible humans as well. then the CP decide they need to hurt you so you get back in the “perfect” box.

when people tell you who you are - say “what?”

they cant know. dont minimize yourself - to break the spell speak up about what they are doing.

id like to add an addendum - this book has marinated in ny mind for a couple days and ive changed it to 4 stars simply for so clearly and specifically laying out the idea that - anyone telling you anything about who you are or your feelings and senses - is a psychological attack. I knew from years of therapy when expressing a hurt to someone you use the : i feel this when you have done this. while focusing on the behavior and not some idea of why they did it. I never quite understood why. now i do. and i have recognized how the near constant psychological attacks against me most my life has shaped my anger. this is the other thing i needed to learn to truly let it go.