"Have you ever had that experience... a feeling of profound regret after passing some stranger in the street? I've had it often. I think to myself, 'What a delightful looking person!' or 'What a beautiful woman!' or 'I've never seen anyone quite as attractive as that before.' It happens when I'm just strolling around the streets, or sitting next to a stranger in the theatre or walking down the steps from a concert hall. But once they've gone, I know I'll probably never meet them again in my life... One can't stop and suddenly speak to a complete stranger, can one? Perhaps that's life, but when it happens I could die of sadness. I feel somehow drained and empty. I want to follow them to the ends of the earth, but I can't. The only way to chase a person that way is to kill him."
I love you, Kawabata. The Lake is my seventh Yasunari Kawabata (how long has it been? A month, if that) and the third on my favorites shelf ("rubber-ring" for my gotta have The Smiths reference. I will not let them run away from me). You can take my review with all the salt in the pacific ocean because for all the big time numbers The Lake crunched on me, I keep a distance of culture differences and times. Whatever the back of the box says isn't my box. My mood ring that's mysteriously stagnated on black is tinged with something else than beauty and country lines. Purple? Blue? Black and blue for the shit that beat the shit out of me? I'm just glad there are colors. It isn't those kinds of differences. I could chase down the person down the street and the measured space (ragged breathing. From the running?) between us wouldn't be about that. I wouldn't chase, though. I'd not chase. I'd make up a story if I didn't look for this feeling in a Kawabata.
The Lake is my kind of book. This is what I wish I could articulate what I want in my life (ahem books). I'm going to try like the little heart that could(n't) and anyone who reads this who has found this in the book lives of another might feel I am someone they can share it with. Really, why can't these kinds of books fly out at me whenever I enter a bookshop or library? (Or abandoned benches, beaches, green eggs and ham eateries, whatever.)
I find this in books because it isn't the attractive person that I look for, unlike Gimpei. I'm looking for what drives and what walks...
"Perhaps he had followed the woman because something inside her made her susceptible to being chased by him. They might be inhabitants of the same infernal world. He could see it from his own experience. He rejoiced at the thought that Miyako Mizuki might be like him, and bitterly regretted not having copied down her address.
Miyako must certainly have been frightened while she was being followed by Gimpei, but she might also have experienced a tingling pleasure, without recognizing its prescence. Can an entirely one-sided pleasure really exist in the human world? Had it not, perhaps, been like a drug addict's sensing out a fellow sufferer, that he should have made a special point of following Miyako when there were so many other pretty women walking about town?"
This! Kawabata, I really love you. Do books sense on the other sides of the pages? Are the eyes clinging to the words windows into the soul? Writers bleed out words and decades later someone picks it up and maybe a side by side reflection appears, allowing a donation of that too rich for my blood into my tired blood. It is really too bad that I don't know my own blood type. The point is that the suffering doesn't have to be exact science. Side by side! I've tried to make sense of this to me because I am pitiful enough to consider these mental round and rounds of mine to be my "life's work". The best Gimpei ever is gonna get is this realization that Miyako might've had it too. He's not the stereotypical only after the chase guy. He's down in the dumps and the acoustics in his trashcan don't reverberate honest reflections of his subjects. How could they? It couldn't transform him. The beauty coulda depressed me a whole fucking lot if Kawabata wasn't Kawabata. His books that aren't as purely amazing as this and The Sound of the Mountain were harder to hear above the day and out fray. Beauty. I can't see it. Transforming is a lost cause. I don't believe in redemption that way. Side by side! What good is vicarious when it doesn't have anything to do with you? If you imagine it hard enough does it come true?
"Was his habit of chasing after women related to this ugliness, since it was his feet that did the chasing? He was surprised at the thought. Was the ugliness of a part of his body crying out, longing for beauty? Was it part of the divine plan that ugly feet chased beautiful women?"
Not this. I know what the plot description says. I know what Gimpei says. I don't believe it. (This might be where smart goodreaders who have the ability to seperate the emotional might wanna ignore me.) It was so much more than the feet. Timelessness. Hope. The walking is GOING somewhere, not the getting. He doesn't GET anything. I know about what it means to look forward to something. Possibility can be a lot.
One of the women that he follows, Miyako, desperately watched the horizon of her own youth like it's the beach on the other side. She's probably in that proverbial boat with the seventy something man she's mistress to. The one you gotta decide if you're going to let them live and sacrafice yourself or not. Not making a choice they both are. The old man says he's had revenge taken on him for being old. Miyako misses the youth she still has. It's all too fucked up. Being followed makes her feel as if she is still going somewhere, I think. I love to read this and think to myself "This is what they are feeling" as if I was following them on the street and catching our mutal reflections in store windows. Unlike the old man, however, it isn't youth or beauty for sale. Miyako wants to see someone be happy. The envy hurts. Hurting is better than being in that proverbial boat with a dead man.
"Anyway, it's just a morbid fantasy, a cover for girlish weaknesses, to believe in the kind of intimate friendship where you share absolutely everything. Perfect awareness might exist in heaven or hell, but not in the human world. If you have no secrets from Miss Onda it means that you don't exist, that you're not living your own life."
When Gimpei was a teacher, he had an "affair" with a student, Hisako. Gimpei chased Hisako eternally. Hisako keeps running in place, I guess. I'm haunted by her because even though she got married, it is hard to chase her any further than we went with Gimpei.
The young girl in the bathhouse was almost forgotten to me when I "met" Gimpei's other loves. What is it with that word love? I don't know what other word to use. My ex told me many times that we English speakers used love for everything so that it no longer had any meaning. That made me self concious of ever using it at all. Well, I guess I don't know really a word for hoping to have found a dream in another. I don't use vocabulary any better than I use all of my brain or all of my heart. Adrenaline might make me run faster. The Lake isn't an adrenaline book. It's a round and round mental book and I want to take my time. Stop thinking me to death, Mariel! So, the bathhouse girl doesn't either. Gimpei makes her so shy with his ecstacy over her voice that she can only whisper.
"A lie, once told, never vanishes, but chases after us. Just as Gimpei followed women, so his lies trailed behind him. Perhaps it is the same with crime. A crime, once committed, pursues a person until he repeats it. Bad habits are like that. The first time Gimpei followed a woman led to the second, and so on..."
There are more...
"Gimpei felt shattered, heartbroken. Never again could he be the boy who had played with Yayoi or the teacher who had been in love with Hisako."
Machi, the young girl in the park with the shiba (I've long wanted a shiba. I have a virtual one in nintendodogs on nintendods! Useless Mariel information alert!) replaces the former loves with her younger beauty. I don't grasp purity like that. The two don't go side by side in my mind. Miyako's staring after the figure she felt was happy meant much, much more to me than Gimpei's beauty gravity.
"Though he felt nothing but self-loathing as they walked entangled up the street, he still had an urge to see her feet without rubber boots. Yet it seemed he could already see them- toes not simian like his own, but misshapen, with thick, brownish skin. When he pictured himself lying with the woman with their legs stretched out, Gimpei felt like vomiting."
It's stuck in my throat. I know that Gimpei's beauty is about his own ugliness... (A way to keep something that flies. The huge firefly he mistook for a star could be that love. In a cage, hooked on the back of Machi's dress.) But I wish it was more than reading the plot description and going "Oh, his ugly feet followed beauty". I kinda want to cut out Gimpei's reflection all together because if that is all he can see...
How can you get side by side when you're always running?
It is in the back of my mind that the point was that all along. But I've got it in me too to look for my own when living my life, and I stop in my tracks. And that was this book too because it has shared its blood with my own. What I'm looking for is more than beauty... I just gotta listen. Bind those fucking chicken feet. Dance on some hot coals. Fetishize. Something. Don't leave me behind!
P.s. All of the salt raining on the little girl with the umbrella! The Lake is a strangled kinda erotic. The there is no such thing as no strings attached sex. The boat with the dead man. Little mermaid loses her voice shyness.