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Mean Mothers: Overcoming the Legacy of Hurt – An Eye-Opening Resource on the Cultural Taboo of Maternal Behavior and Psychological Effects
An exploration of the darker side of maternal behavior drawn from scientific research, psychology, and the real-life experiences of adult daughters, Mean Mothers sheds light on one of the last cultural taboos: what happens when a woman doesn't or can't love her daughter.
Mean Mothers reveals the multigenerational thread that often runs through these stories—many unloving mothers are the daughters of unloving or hypercritical women—and explores what happens to a daughter's sense of self and to her relationships when her mother is emotionally absent or even cruel. But Mean Mothers is also a narrative of hope, recounting how daughters can get past the legacy of hurt to become whole within and to become loving mothers to the next generation of daughters. The personal stories of unloved daughters and sons and those of the author herself, are both unflinching and moving, and bring this most difficult of subjects to life.
Mean Mothers isn't just a book for daughters who've had difficult or impossible relationships with their mothers. By exposing the myths of motherhood that prevent us from talking about the women for whom mothering a daughter is fraught with ambivalence, tension, or even jealousy, Mean Mothers also casts a different light on the extraordinary influence mothers have over their female children as well as the psychological complexity and emotional depth of the mother-daughter relationship.
Mean Mothers reveals the multigenerational thread that often runs through these stories—many unloving mothers are the daughters of unloving or hypercritical women—and explores what happens to a daughter's sense of self and to her relationships when her mother is emotionally absent or even cruel. But Mean Mothers is also a narrative of hope, recounting how daughters can get past the legacy of hurt to become whole within and to become loving mothers to the next generation of daughters. The personal stories of unloved daughters and sons and those of the author herself, are both unflinching and moving, and bring this most difficult of subjects to life.
Mean Mothers isn't just a book for daughters who've had difficult or impossible relationships with their mothers. By exposing the myths of motherhood that prevent us from talking about the women for whom mothering a daughter is fraught with ambivalence, tension, or even jealousy, Mean Mothers also casts a different light on the extraordinary influence mothers have over their female children as well as the psychological complexity and emotional depth of the mother-daughter relationship.
256 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2009
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 79 reviews
July 11, 2023
3.5 Stars, rounded down. I think this one makes a lot of important observations and comments while exploring the idea that some of us just were not mothered correctly. But it's a difficult read the way it was put together jumping from personal stories and case histories, to statistics, historical info & more. It's also worth noting that the author is neither an expert nor a medical professional. If you have the time & interest, maybe read it.
December 29, 2009
This title caught my attention several months ago, and I knew it was one book I really wanted to read, having been raised by a mother who was emotionally detached, and often verbally abusive.
In this well researched book, Peg Streep, examines type of mothering that often is not spoken about: "Mean Mothers", and that they do in fact exist. Through scientific research and case studies of adult daughters of unloving and overly critical mothers, the author provides insight as to why some women are just not capable of nurturing their children -- especially their daughters. It isn't just physical abuse, emotional abuse can be just as damaging. The author points out how daughters who are denied closeness, loving gestures and positive reinforcement from their mothers can develop negative self-images, and compulsive behaviors like overeating, overspending and overachieving. Emotional connection and closeness is something that is learned during infancy and childhood. If raised in such a way that a child becomes emotionally detached, and this is not addressed as adults, future relationships are apt to suffer.
The author was a product of such a mother.........."I was no older than three or four when I knew my mother didn't love me. Of course, the way in which I knew this was different from how I would know and understand it at other times in my life, but I knew it nonetheless. I knew it first by the way she stiffened when I tried to sit in her lap or touch her arm, and how she turned her face away when I kissed her. She wasn't like the people who loved me – my father, my grandfather, my great-aunt, or even my teachers – whose faces softened with pleasure when I drew near. "
One of the women interviewed by the author, hit particularly close to home for me (Sarah fifty-two)...."I learned not to ask my mother for anything because she never gave anything freely. There were always strings attached. Holidays associated with family and closeness and even my own birthday were always hard for me and still are. I approach them with low expectations and I am always ready to be disappointed because I always was with my mother. I have trouble asking for help from people, especially women because of my mother's inability to give........."
MY THOUGHTS - Although, perhaps a bit too theory based, I did find a lot of this book very interesting. If your childhood was perfect in every way, then there is no need for you to read this book. If not, then many women might gain a better understanding of why your mother was the way she was when you were growing up. You can breathe easy, since not every daughter who is the product of a "mean mother", will become a "mean mother" herself. It takes work to move beyond the cycle of hurt that some wounded women have experienced, but it is possible to heal and to forgive. RECOMMENDED
In this well researched book, Peg Streep, examines type of mothering that often is not spoken about: "Mean Mothers", and that they do in fact exist. Through scientific research and case studies of adult daughters of unloving and overly critical mothers, the author provides insight as to why some women are just not capable of nurturing their children -- especially their daughters. It isn't just physical abuse, emotional abuse can be just as damaging. The author points out how daughters who are denied closeness, loving gestures and positive reinforcement from their mothers can develop negative self-images, and compulsive behaviors like overeating, overspending and overachieving. Emotional connection and closeness is something that is learned during infancy and childhood. If raised in such a way that a child becomes emotionally detached, and this is not addressed as adults, future relationships are apt to suffer.
The author was a product of such a mother.........."I was no older than three or four when I knew my mother didn't love me. Of course, the way in which I knew this was different from how I would know and understand it at other times in my life, but I knew it nonetheless. I knew it first by the way she stiffened when I tried to sit in her lap or touch her arm, and how she turned her face away when I kissed her. She wasn't like the people who loved me – my father, my grandfather, my great-aunt, or even my teachers – whose faces softened with pleasure when I drew near. "
One of the women interviewed by the author, hit particularly close to home for me (Sarah fifty-two)...."I learned not to ask my mother for anything because she never gave anything freely. There were always strings attached. Holidays associated with family and closeness and even my own birthday were always hard for me and still are. I approach them with low expectations and I am always ready to be disappointed because I always was with my mother. I have trouble asking for help from people, especially women because of my mother's inability to give........."
MY THOUGHTS - Although, perhaps a bit too theory based, I did find a lot of this book very interesting. If your childhood was perfect in every way, then there is no need for you to read this book. If not, then many women might gain a better understanding of why your mother was the way she was when you were growing up. You can breathe easy, since not every daughter who is the product of a "mean mother", will become a "mean mother" herself. It takes work to move beyond the cycle of hurt that some wounded women have experienced, but it is possible to heal and to forgive. RECOMMENDED
December 21, 2011
Not so helpful at "overcoming the legacy of hurt" so much as a statement that yeah, some mothers are mean, and it sucks that people don't often believe this. I actually got some side-eye from my mother-in-law for reading this book ("oh, is it about me? do you think I'm mean?") as an interesting meta-comment on Streep's main point. It would have been better marketed as a survey of women from abusive mothers than a vaguely self-help book on how to cope with having had an abusive mother; did the publisher not realize that women who wanted to overcome the hurt did not need a multi-chapter discussion on the fact that the hurt exists despite cultural ideas about maternal instincts? idk.
June 11, 2015
I was excited to read the synopsis of this book - even the title alone - as it is a taboo subject but one I can closely relate to.
So as soon as the book arrived from Amazon I started reading, box of tissues ready just in case and ok, a box of chocolates too. I rushed through the foreword eagerly and then the first chapter. By page 58, I realised this wasn't going to be the book I'd hoped for.
I sense the author had difficulties finding real life daughters of mean mothers as the examples lacked depth. In fact, everything seemed glossed over as though the author wanted to write an academic paper comprehensively covering the subject (the bibliography and index take up more than 30 pages).
I felt there was as much discussion of good mothers, maybe more, than mean mothers. In fact, did I recall even reading about any particularly mean mothers? Not really. Self absorbed maybe, thoughtless yes. But the examples were never longer than a few lines.
As another reviewer said, it would make for an interesting book club conversation as it brings up the topic, and yes it introduces research and other books on motherhood.
If you find another book that reads like the synopsis here, please let me know the title.
This is not a bad book by any means. Just not what I was hoping for.
So as soon as the book arrived from Amazon I started reading, box of tissues ready just in case and ok, a box of chocolates too. I rushed through the foreword eagerly and then the first chapter. By page 58, I realised this wasn't going to be the book I'd hoped for.
I sense the author had difficulties finding real life daughters of mean mothers as the examples lacked depth. In fact, everything seemed glossed over as though the author wanted to write an academic paper comprehensively covering the subject (the bibliography and index take up more than 30 pages).
I felt there was as much discussion of good mothers, maybe more, than mean mothers. In fact, did I recall even reading about any particularly mean mothers? Not really. Self absorbed maybe, thoughtless yes. But the examples were never longer than a few lines.
As another reviewer said, it would make for an interesting book club conversation as it brings up the topic, and yes it introduces research and other books on motherhood.
If you find another book that reads like the synopsis here, please let me know the title.
This is not a bad book by any means. Just not what I was hoping for.
October 31, 2016
I so enjoy Peg Streep's articles on Psychology Today and find her to be an accessible and empathetic writer.
I actually had purchased Mean Mother's in 2011 and could never bring myself to read it. I gave it away when I moved overseas. Some books need to be read 'in season' and I definitely read Mean Mother's in season this time.
I so enjoyed Peg sharing her experience being raised by a mean mother. And the short vignettes of other daughters experience were enlightening. The concept of the 'good enough mother', really resonates with me and I appreciated the encouragement and the warmth of the writing.
A few years ago, I walked into a Fred Meyers and caught sight of a mother and her daughter in the candle aisle. The mom had shoved back all the candles with her elbow and was leaning on the shelf, her head tilted, her face was soft with attention, her brow mildly furrowed. Every single ounce of this woman was expressing intention, attention, warmth, and attunement towards the young woman talking to her. My first response was, "jesus. are these those overly close mom-daughters that tell each other all their problems and share clothes and call each other 400 times a day?"
I made another lap around the aisle, pretending to look for a candle, just so I could get a closer look at this very intimate moment playing out in public. As I passed by, the mom reached out and touched the girls arm and said, "I don't know what to tell you, Julia, but know I am here for you and trust you can handle this." The young woman said, "Thanks mom."
And I made it to the dog food aisle before I lost my shit sobbing. Never. Not once, not for one god-forsaken moment in my entire life has my mom showed me the tenderness or attention that woman just showed her daughter in a damn grocery store. I was gutted.
One line in the book made me weep and also was such a sweet moment that I was not the only person who did this:
"I watched strangers- daughters and mothers in the supermarket aisles or taking a walk together - and was all the more bewildered. What made my mother and me so different?"
Mean Mother's was a supportive piece in my journey to figuring out this mom I have on this journey.
The only reason I did not give it 4 stars is that it is written almost exclusively for moms. There are a few toss-off sentences for grown women who chose not to have children, but pretty much 65% of this book is written to and for women who have activated the raising children gene. I am not one of those women, so I ended up skipping a lot, a lot, a lot of the: being the mom of a daughter is the best way to heal being the daughter of a mean mom.
I actually had purchased Mean Mother's in 2011 and could never bring myself to read it. I gave it away when I moved overseas. Some books need to be read 'in season' and I definitely read Mean Mother's in season this time.
I so enjoyed Peg sharing her experience being raised by a mean mother. And the short vignettes of other daughters experience were enlightening. The concept of the 'good enough mother', really resonates with me and I appreciated the encouragement and the warmth of the writing.
A few years ago, I walked into a Fred Meyers and caught sight of a mother and her daughter in the candle aisle. The mom had shoved back all the candles with her elbow and was leaning on the shelf, her head tilted, her face was soft with attention, her brow mildly furrowed. Every single ounce of this woman was expressing intention, attention, warmth, and attunement towards the young woman talking to her. My first response was, "jesus. are these those overly close mom-daughters that tell each other all their problems and share clothes and call each other 400 times a day?"
I made another lap around the aisle, pretending to look for a candle, just so I could get a closer look at this very intimate moment playing out in public. As I passed by, the mom reached out and touched the girls arm and said, "I don't know what to tell you, Julia, but know I am here for you and trust you can handle this." The young woman said, "Thanks mom."
And I made it to the dog food aisle before I lost my shit sobbing. Never. Not once, not for one god-forsaken moment in my entire life has my mom showed me the tenderness or attention that woman just showed her daughter in a damn grocery store. I was gutted.
One line in the book made me weep and also was such a sweet moment that I was not the only person who did this:
"I watched strangers- daughters and mothers in the supermarket aisles or taking a walk together - and was all the more bewildered. What made my mother and me so different?"
Mean Mother's was a supportive piece in my journey to figuring out this mom I have on this journey.
The only reason I did not give it 4 stars is that it is written almost exclusively for moms. There are a few toss-off sentences for grown women who chose not to have children, but pretty much 65% of this book is written to and for women who have activated the raising children gene. I am not one of those women, so I ended up skipping a lot, a lot, a lot of the: being the mom of a daughter is the best way to heal being the daughter of a mean mom.
March 14, 2020
3 stars - It was good.
Whatever I do write, it is my story I am telling, my version of the past. If she were to tell her own story, other landscapes would be revealed. But in my landscape or hers, there would be old, smoldering patches of deep-burning anger.
The parts that analyzed the mother/daughter relationship were interesting and educational. Half the book, however, explores other relationships - siblings, father, and becoming a mother after having an unloving mother yourself. I didn’t find the other segments to be as engaging and skimmed over some sections.
-------------------------------------------
Favorite Quote: She was the bullet I couldn’t dodge, and the gunfire could come from anywhere and nowhere….The seeds of her rage and disappointment could blossom in a bewildering instant.
First Sentence: Psychotherapists may disagree, even vehemently, about theory or practice, but we all agree on the mother’s central importance in a woman’s life.
Whatever I do write, it is my story I am telling, my version of the past. If she were to tell her own story, other landscapes would be revealed. But in my landscape or hers, there would be old, smoldering patches of deep-burning anger.
The parts that analyzed the mother/daughter relationship were interesting and educational. Half the book, however, explores other relationships - siblings, father, and becoming a mother after having an unloving mother yourself. I didn’t find the other segments to be as engaging and skimmed over some sections.
-------------------------------------------
Favorite Quote: She was the bullet I couldn’t dodge, and the gunfire could come from anywhere and nowhere….The seeds of her rage and disappointment could blossom in a bewildering instant.
First Sentence: Psychotherapists may disagree, even vehemently, about theory or practice, but we all agree on the mother’s central importance in a woman’s life.
July 16, 2010
Here is a book for women raised by emotionally absent mothers. Peg Streep draws on scientific research, interviews, and personal stories to suggest reasons why unloving mothers might be the way that they are. She stresses the importance of approaching these questions from a multi-generational angle. Most importantly, care is taken to explain how damaged mother-daughter relationships affect the psychological make-up of the daughters. Streep discusses a wide range of emotional unavailability and expounds on what this means for unmothered daughters when they grow up and have kids, particularly daughters, of their own.
The sibling relationship is also examined and explanations are offered for why children from the same family often have wildly different stories about their childhoods and about what kind of people their parents were. Streep points out that some mothers are emotionally available to some children, but not all, and she describes how this factors into the sibling bonds or lack thereof.
The entire presentation is both fascinating and validating. If any part of this summary resonates with you, there is something for you in this book.
The sibling relationship is also examined and explanations are offered for why children from the same family often have wildly different stories about their childhoods and about what kind of people their parents were. Streep points out that some mothers are emotionally available to some children, but not all, and she describes how this factors into the sibling bonds or lack thereof.
The entire presentation is both fascinating and validating. If any part of this summary resonates with you, there is something for you in this book.
June 12, 2011
Was a little disappointed with this book and found myself skimming and sipping certain sections. Being the daughter of a narcissistic mother I had hoped to find more in this book to relate to. There we re a few examples that I could relate to but for the most book did not find the book to provide that much insight or information.
March 28, 2017
We live in a culture in which it's taboo to feel that your mother did not do a good job in raising you, or in fact, was downright toxic. I love, love, love this book because Peg Streep shamelessly tears down those unrealistic societal expectations of a "perfect" mother. Her research, based on real relationships between mothers and daughters over several generations, rings true. It is okay to recognize that your mother may have done some serious emotional, traumatic damage to you if she was not emotionally well equipped for motherhood herself. Likewise, you can learn from what you were lacking as a child -- and what you wish your mother had given you -- and try to provide that for your own daughter or son. And it is perfectly okay -- and healthy -- for you to do so without piling heaps of guilt on your shoulders for the times you don't juggle it all to perfection.
If you had a stable, loving childhood home, then happily, this book will not apply to your life specifically. In my case, there was sexual abuse on the part of my brother, which was not dealt with, as well as emotional neglect and abuse from both parents. To put it succinctly, it screwed me up, destroying any sense of self-esteem and any chance of trusting my own judgment -- and led to my miserable, abusive first marriage. Thankfully, I am in therapy and in recovery and have found the strength to put distance between myself and my parents. To some, that may sound bitter and spoiled, but if you grew up in an unstable, unhappy home environment, you get it. I have nothing to prove to those who don't understand. But Peg Streep, she GETS it.
I'm going to recommend this book to my therapist next time I meet with her. I borrowed this copy from the library but will likely go and purchase a copy for myself, to reference in the future when I need encouragement.
If you had a stable, loving childhood home, then happily, this book will not apply to your life specifically. In my case, there was sexual abuse on the part of my brother, which was not dealt with, as well as emotional neglect and abuse from both parents. To put it succinctly, it screwed me up, destroying any sense of self-esteem and any chance of trusting my own judgment -- and led to my miserable, abusive first marriage. Thankfully, I am in therapy and in recovery and have found the strength to put distance between myself and my parents. To some, that may sound bitter and spoiled, but if you grew up in an unstable, unhappy home environment, you get it. I have nothing to prove to those who don't understand. But Peg Streep, she GETS it.
I'm going to recommend this book to my therapist next time I meet with her. I borrowed this copy from the library but will likely go and purchase a copy for myself, to reference in the future when I need encouragement.
November 26, 2012
This is a really emotionally draining read, but very informative and easy to read. It brought tears to my eyes several times. Highly recommend if the subject is if interest to you.
August 10, 2017
Got as far as page 40. This book seems like it would be relevant to my interests. I have a spectacularly terrible mother that I cut contact with years ago. This book made a point of saying that it's only talking about mean moms -- not moms who are mean because of mental illness. Why? Why does that matter? You have traumatized people as the result either way, and we're the ones reading. My mom very likely has at least one untreated mental illness. We'll never know because she has no ability to engage in self-reflection. She's not going to admit there's a problem that originates in her own brain. If she can't put the blame on someone else (ideally my dad), she's not copping to jack squat. There was that, and also the way the book feels like a high school essay with a minimum number of quotes from other works that must be included. I have less than a week before the fall semester begins. I don't have time for "meh" books!
November 9, 2013
I'll just leave a quote that attests to the value of this book:
"Nowadays, getting out of the way—making sure it’s not about me—is easier in some ways and harder in others. I asked my daughter, as I was writing this, in what ways I had sometimes failed and what she needed from me now, as she approached twenty-one. Her answer had all the clarity of truth: “I need you to simply keep accepting me as who I am, and to support my actions as I come into my own light. I sometimes feel that you expect me to react to situations in the same way you do, and that I sometimes fall short.”
"Nowadays, getting out of the way—making sure it’s not about me—is easier in some ways and harder in others. I asked my daughter, as I was writing this, in what ways I had sometimes failed and what she needed from me now, as she approached twenty-one. Her answer had all the clarity of truth: “I need you to simply keep accepting me as who I am, and to support my actions as I come into my own light. I sometimes feel that you expect me to react to situations in the same way you do, and that I sometimes fall short.”
December 31, 2015
Any mother who has ever fallen head-over-heels in love with their child will find the idea of an unloving mother abhorrent—unbelievable, even. We have been socialized to believe that mother-love is a given; as natural and predictable as a sunrise. Streep, however, postulates that this is not always the case, and Mean Mothers explores the taboo notion that some mothers are both incapable and unwilling to love their children; these mothers don’t just not love their daughters—they downright hate them, and this creates crippling emotional turmoil for the child who has never been the recipient of unconditional love.
As a clinical counselor I will recommend this book again and again as, in the addictions counseling field, I see with heartbreaking repetition this story play out over and over again; daughters who were and are unloved by their mothers, and then self-medicate with substances in order to feel the warmth they’ve never received from the parental relationship.
This is difficult, uncomfortable subject matter; as said, it confront s a social taboo that stretches across cultures, geographies, and centuries. Mothers always love unconditionally—right?
Wrong. 4 Emotionally Provocative Stars
As a clinical counselor I will recommend this book again and again as, in the addictions counseling field, I see with heartbreaking repetition this story play out over and over again; daughters who were and are unloved by their mothers, and then self-medicate with substances in order to feel the warmth they’ve never received from the parental relationship.
This is difficult, uncomfortable subject matter; as said, it confront s a social taboo that stretches across cultures, geographies, and centuries. Mothers always love unconditionally—right?
Wrong. 4 Emotionally Provocative Stars
July 25, 2011
This book is a very helpful exploration of the impact of having a mean mother, and delved much more than I expected into the consequences for daughters when they become mothers themselves.
January 29, 2020
2.5 *
Very interesting and useful some of the time. Very irrelevant a lot of the time. The emphasis on hurt daughters as the next mothers in line that Streep keeps coming back to is not just irrelevant, but also doesn't live up to the title of this book. So 2.5 for the relevant bits... Glad I finished this. It was a chore to wade through so much that didn't have anything to do with the title.
Very interesting and useful some of the time. Very irrelevant a lot of the time. The emphasis on hurt daughters as the next mothers in line that Streep keeps coming back to is not just irrelevant, but also doesn't live up to the title of this book. So 2.5 for the relevant bits... Glad I finished this. It was a chore to wade through so much that didn't have anything to do with the title.
June 14, 2022
widac ze napisane w 2009
April 18, 2023
This book reached me. Many reviewers see it as too dark to be helpful, but it reached me. It explores a topic that most of society tries to ignore: abusive mothers.
It boldly acknowledges the "Myth of Motherhood" at the very beginning. While people think relationships require work and attention, motherhood is often seen as natural and instinctive, a skill that emerges immediately and perfectly and with no effort. In reality however, motherhood is a learned behavior and the relationship between the mother and her children is as complex and individual as any relationship between two people. Somehow this is the one relationship that is always simplified to be pure instinct ("mother's love"). Mothers are humans like everyone else. If you had a mean mother, then you definitely know that.
I appreciate that this book tackles several aspects of the experience. How your relationship to your father, siblings, future partner and future children is affected by growing up with a mean mother.
These kinds of statistics are not astonishing to me. It's exactly what I would expect. Everyone frames mother-daughter relationships as pure and sweet, when in reality these are the dominance battles that can last a lifetime. Between fathers and sons it usually ends when the son gets big enough to fight back and punch harder than the father, between mothers and daughters it can literally last a lifetime. It just never ends. The worst thing is when you are in this lifelong, difficult battle, and no one even sees it.
When you grow up with the motherhood myth all around you, everyone telling you that your mother is a saint just because she's your mother, that she gave birth to you one time so now she has untouchable status, it's just crazy. This secrecy is also acknowledged in the book, including by the author - almost every one of the women (daughters of mean mothers) she interviewed requested to be anonymous. No one wants to face the backlash of openly admitting their mother is a mean person. No one gives fathers this free pass; fathers are held up to scrutiny. Mothers get a get-out-of-jail free card, no matter how destructive and sadistic they are. Mothers can get away with things that fathers would be put in jail for. It's really sad.
This book specifically focuses on mean mothers who do not have a mental disorder. I appreciate this. So often people cannot reckon with the idea that women can be really mean to their kids; they want to dismiss it as "maybe she has a mental illness." This book subverts this knee jerk reaction by focusing on relationships where there is no mental illness excuse. Some mothers are just mean. That's it. If you're a sadistic and mean person a you give birth, giving birth isn't going to magically change you into a saint. You are still the same mean person but now you have progeny.
This book only addresses the experience of being a daughter, not a son. This could be a shortcoming, making it narrowly focused and not relatable to all audiences. There are surely other patterns to be found in difficult mother-son relationships. However I see it as a strength of the book because it explores a very specific relationship in great depth.
It boldly acknowledges the "Myth of Motherhood" at the very beginning. While people think relationships require work and attention, motherhood is often seen as natural and instinctive, a skill that emerges immediately and perfectly and with no effort. In reality however, motherhood is a learned behavior and the relationship between the mother and her children is as complex and individual as any relationship between two people. Somehow this is the one relationship that is always simplified to be pure instinct ("mother's love"). Mothers are humans like everyone else. If you had a mean mother, then you definitely know that.
“There’s a continuum from horribly abusive mothers to motherly saints, but there are plenty of mothers in the middle range who are unable to love or who say mean things to their daughters. And many of these mothers see themselves as good mothers.”
I appreciate that this book tackles several aspects of the experience. How your relationship to your father, siblings, future partner and future children is affected by growing up with a mean mother.
“Carol Ryff, Pamela Schmutte, and Young Hyang Lee looked at how parents were affected by their adult children’s achievements and success. To their astonishment, the researchers discovered that mothers who perceived their daughters’ achievements as surpassing their own reported lower well-being; [...] Most notably, this was not true of fathers—with either sons or daughters—or for that matter of mothers when the more successful child was a son.”
These kinds of statistics are not astonishing to me. It's exactly what I would expect. Everyone frames mother-daughter relationships as pure and sweet, when in reality these are the dominance battles that can last a lifetime. Between fathers and sons it usually ends when the son gets big enough to fight back and punch harder than the father, between mothers and daughters it can literally last a lifetime. It just never ends. The worst thing is when you are in this lifelong, difficult battle, and no one even sees it.
When you grow up with the motherhood myth all around you, everyone telling you that your mother is a saint just because she's your mother, that she gave birth to you one time so now she has untouchable status, it's just crazy. This secrecy is also acknowledged in the book, including by the author - almost every one of the women (daughters of mean mothers) she interviewed requested to be anonymous. No one wants to face the backlash of openly admitting their mother is a mean person. No one gives fathers this free pass; fathers are held up to scrutiny. Mothers get a get-out-of-jail free card, no matter how destructive and sadistic they are. Mothers can get away with things that fathers would be put in jail for. It's really sad.
This book specifically focuses on mean mothers who do not have a mental disorder. I appreciate this. So often people cannot reckon with the idea that women can be really mean to their kids; they want to dismiss it as "maybe she has a mental illness." This book subverts this knee jerk reaction by focusing on relationships where there is no mental illness excuse. Some mothers are just mean. That's it. If you're a sadistic and mean person a you give birth, giving birth isn't going to magically change you into a saint. You are still the same mean person but now you have progeny.
This book only addresses the experience of being a daughter, not a son. This could be a shortcoming, making it narrowly focused and not relatable to all audiences. There are surely other patterns to be found in difficult mother-son relationships. However I see it as a strength of the book because it explores a very specific relationship in great depth.
October 31, 2013
The more I read about personality disorders the more I question social norms. There really is no normal, the media, society and culture project an image! The image is good, wholesome, healthy, right and just! Not all mothers fit this model. Mothers can create and they can destroy! Mothers are also a product of their own mothers!
Bad mothers aren't always bad! It would be easier if they were, psychology easier! The games played, rules changed, manipulations, are confusing. The more books written in this area the better !
Bad mothers aren't always bad! It would be easier if they were, psychology easier! The games played, rules changed, manipulations, are confusing. The more books written in this area the better !
January 21, 2016
This book helps me understand my own mother, who had a rotten upbringing with a mother who didn't treat her like her other siblings. It also helps me understand friends of mine who have shared with me their own tales of mean mothers. The mother-child bond, however bad or good, clearly cannot be underestimated as it paves the pathway for the rest of your life including all of your relationships and interactions with others in the world.
January 14, 2016
The title is misleading, "mean" is rarely used, the mothers are usually described as "unloving". These words are not synonymous to me. Much of the book seemed to parrot studies done by others. I am sorry, though, that the author had a mean mother.
April 23, 2010
I had to force myself to finish this book. It seemed a bit whiny to me. But then, I don't share the dilemma in which the author tragically found herself. I was reading it so I could better understand the mother/daughter dynamics of a close friend.
The author is careful to say she is addressing the situation of just plain MEAN mothers and not those who struggle with physical or mental illness. It's also clear that the limited number of choices for women and the expectations of society that all women should bear children created a larger number of mean mothers in previous generations. Hopefully now, women not inclined to motherhood will direct their energies elsewhere.
Perhaps because I read this is in bits and pieces over several weeks, I did not come up with a clear picture of what causes mean mothers and how their daughters can best recover. It was an endless stream of snippets from dozens of women's stories, intermingled with research. I would have tracked better had we been given 3 or 4 women's stories to follow throughout the book and the influence fathers or siblings or their own children had upon those individuals.
The author is careful to say she is addressing the situation of just plain MEAN mothers and not those who struggle with physical or mental illness. It's also clear that the limited number of choices for women and the expectations of society that all women should bear children created a larger number of mean mothers in previous generations. Hopefully now, women not inclined to motherhood will direct their energies elsewhere.
Perhaps because I read this is in bits and pieces over several weeks, I did not come up with a clear picture of what causes mean mothers and how their daughters can best recover. It was an endless stream of snippets from dozens of women's stories, intermingled with research. I would have tracked better had we been given 3 or 4 women's stories to follow throughout the book and the influence fathers or siblings or their own children had upon those individuals.
October 15, 2016
I read the description on Amazon and after reading the reviews was very excited for the book to arrive. By chapter 2 I realized that this book was not going to be what I hoped for.
The author basically gathered information from other authors and quoted them and minimal sprinkled in experiences from daughters of unloved/mean mothers. While I related to how these women felt growing up and their struggles with relationships as adults I did not find the answers I hoped for or were promised. Don't get me wrong it was nice to know I wasn't alone and it didn't have anything to do with me. I was looking for answers and solutions. I want to be free of my mother's voice in my head. This book really offered no solutions. It read more like a research paper to me.
I do feel I gained some insight but not worth the amount I spent on the book. I definitely feel like there are better books on the market.
The author basically gathered information from other authors and quoted them and minimal sprinkled in experiences from daughters of unloved/mean mothers. While I related to how these women felt growing up and their struggles with relationships as adults I did not find the answers I hoped for or were promised. Don't get me wrong it was nice to know I wasn't alone and it didn't have anything to do with me. I was looking for answers and solutions. I want to be free of my mother's voice in my head. This book really offered no solutions. It read more like a research paper to me.
I do feel I gained some insight but not worth the amount I spent on the book. I definitely feel like there are better books on the market.
December 28, 2016
I didn't find Mean Mothers particularly helpful. Important to note: the author is NOT a psychologist or a therapist; she is an English major and the daughter of a mean mother, which I think makes her spectacularly under qualified to write a book whose title claims to "overcome a hurtful legacy."
The book itself is pretty repetitive, and most of the women interviewed who have "unloving mothers" weren't abuse victims, but rather, children of emotionally aloof women. (I can relate on some levels, but I couldn't really feel sorry for them because I didn't think they had it so bad.) The first chapter on combatting the motherhood myth was probably the best part. Other than that, I didn't enjoy it.
The book itself is pretty repetitive, and most of the women interviewed who have "unloving mothers" weren't abuse victims, but rather, children of emotionally aloof women. (I can relate on some levels, but I couldn't really feel sorry for them because I didn't think they had it so bad.) The first chapter on combatting the motherhood myth was probably the best part. Other than that, I didn't enjoy it.
March 2, 2019
I wish I had read this book --or even known that a book like this could exist someday-- 45 years ago. It answered many questions for me, and it made me think about so many of the observations I have had in life and felt guilty for having them. I'm never sure how real the examples are, although the author thanks the women she says spoke to her, I did feel the examples revealed important information. This is one of those books I continue to think about even after finishing it. I highly recommend it to anyone who thinks that a mother's love is natural and guaranteed.
June 9, 2016
This was really hard to finish this book and it wasn't helping about healing and as title says overcoming the legacy of hurt, i had a feeling that author did't pass her experiences and she was still angry and upset about her mother and it kinda bothered me , i believe forgivness is needed for healing or at least you don't have a strong negative feeling about events or people who hurt you ,once you healed
June 19, 2016
Hits too close to home. She knows exactly what she is talking about and had me crying within the first 5 pages. It's sad and miserable and a burden and people don't understand and it took me forever to understand and I would give anything for it to be different. To this day, I question if it's me. I couldn't finish it but it was a relief to see what I had felt expressed by someone else. Just knowing I was not alone?
March 15, 2018
Judging from this author's behavior on her Facebook page and her interactions with fans/readers, I simply cannot recommend any of her books because she has lost all credibility with me. She comes off as narcissistic at best, abusive if challenged, and not even willing to listen. Maybe she just shouldn't interact with the public at all.
March 1, 2023
Validating to be sure but hard to follow at times. Relying a little too heavily on stories and anecdotes without much insight drawn from those examples. If you're at the point where you feel bad even thinking a negative thought about your mother, then this book is worth reading purely to know that you are well and truly not alone, and you have nothing to feel bad about.
April 3, 2013
Brilliant. Streep does a great job of examining and affirming the experiences of unloved daughters while also dissecting the myth of maternal instinct.
November 21, 2020
I would have liked this book 4 or 5 stars worth if it were half as long, as the content got a bit repetitive.
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