You Don't Have to Take it Anymore: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One

by Steven Stosny

As many as one-third of all American women tiptoe through life as if they are walking on eggshells -- at home, they spend most of their time trying to avoid criticism, anger, put-downs, or cold shoulders from their husbands or boyfriends. This verbal and emotional abuse can erupt over anything and everything, matters large and small: housework, cooking, work, spending money, buying household items and clothes for the kids, and going out. Clearly, verbal and emotional abuse is a serious problem.

Relationship expert Dr. Steven Stosny has been featured on national media for the revolutionary techniques he uses in his Compassion-Power and Boot Camp programs, which help men rewire their resentment and anger, stop using emotionally abusive language and behavior, and compassionately recommit to their marriages and families.

Now, in You Don't Have to Take It Anymore, Dr. Stosny puts his effective, highly sought-after program into print, making it widely available for the first time for women who want to stop walking on eggshells. Drawing on his seventeen years of experience treating thousands of clients, Dr. Stosny explains the many different forms a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship can take. He explains how to identify abuse and why it's important to take action to change the relationship -- for not only is verbal and emotional abuse monumentally destructive to both the adults in the relationship, it also hurts their children. Dr. Stosny shows women and men how to apply his methods at home, shows women how to get their men to change, and demonstrates how they can know if change is permanent. Additionally, Dr. Stosny's program helps women recover from the pain and abuse by practicing self-healing skills so that they can reclaim their natural sense of competence and confidence. Using language that is more compassionate and accessible than in any other book on relationship abuse -- and different tactics from most other therapies and therapists -- You Don't Have to Take It Anymore presents a practical program that both women and men can use to stop verbal and emotional abuse.

Genres: Relationships, Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help

384 pages, Kindle Edition

First published December 27, 2005

About the author

Steven Stosny, Ph.D., is the founder of CompassionPower. His recent books are, Soar Above: How to Use the Most Profound Part of Your Brain Under Any Kind of Stress, Living and Loving after Betrayal, How to Improve your Marriage without Talking about It: Finding Love beyond Words, Love without Hurt, The Powerful Self, and Treating Attachment Abuse. He has treated over 6,000 clients for various forms of anger, abuse, and violence. He has appeared on “The Oprah Winfrey Show,” “The Today Show,” “CBS Sunday Morning,” many CNN shows, and in the New York Times, Washington Post, U.S. News & World Report, WSJ, Esquire, Cosmopolitan, O, Psychology Today, USA Today. He has taught at the University of Maryland and at St. Mary’s College of Maryland. He currently has a blog on Psychologytoday.com with over 9 million views.

Reviews

[Eliana · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book saved my life. It was an eye opener. I read this book in 2011. I was married to a very abusive man for 8 years at that time. Being confused by his manipulative tactics, living in a fog, abused over and over, I no longer understood what was right and wrong. I couldn’t see what was true and what was not true. One day I walked to my closest library during my lunch break and found this book. The title caught my attention. I checked out the book, started reading it immediately. I couldn’t put it down. I took so many notes from it that helped me realize I was indeed in an abusive marriage and I had the power to say “I don’t have to take it anymore” and do something about it. I was able to understand that his choice of being abusive was NOT my fault and I didn’t deserve it.
I filed for divorce a few months after I finished reading this book and I’ve been on a path of healing and rediscovery.
I’ve been free and alive for 7 years now and this book was the most important step that led me to self love and self respect.

[Melissa Price]

SIDE NOTE: PLEASE, if ANYONE can get their hands on a clean copy of this book I'm in critical and immediate need of it. I see the kindle version is a #SimonBooks #SimonAndSchuster edition, however I don't know the print copy publisher names and I 'Need' a print copy. Can't afford what's being offered by seller's for a clean copy. Crisis situation.....Too much personal info to share and trying to keep it vague. Thank you

Not rating until I can get the full (for me) read/experience of the quizzes/questions in for this one.


Infuriated and frustrated at yet another LOST REVIEW because stupid *raises hand*(me) hit the back button and lost my review. Added to the already frustrating and massive mistake on the part of an Amazon seller I'm leaving this one unrated as I was only able to get through it trying to read the pages through the previous owners writing IN PEN FOR A BOOK THAT I ORDERED WITHOUT WRITING IN IT!!!!! Seriously it was bad. EVERY SINGLE PAGE was writing (the names of other people written in??!!), brackets, underlined almost every sentence in different colored ink!!! I had zero room to do the question spots and even read without distraction due to the issue.

From 26 years plus of reading self help books, I can say from what I read was a very good book. I was really hoping to get the full benefit of it, but when there's a bait and switch situation I didn't have a chance to read it without the thoughts of another persons answers and names (written in margins with notes) ALL OVER IT!!!!

I'm still in search for a good clean copy of this book and being that it's out of print I cannot afford the available new copies. I read what I could and did the best I could to read it for my own situation, however I just couldn't get this other person's life/situation out of my head. Still searching for a clean copy of it in case anyone should see this and know how I can get my hands on a copy.

In critical need of it (This exact book/edition) ASAP! Please, please, please.........Thank you. .@SimonBooks Steven Stosny

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really well written - helped put into words things that I had never been able to describe to satisfaction and explains physiological reasons behind such feelings and reactions. Also outlines tools to recovery that I found to be helpful and sensable.

[Kirill · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good practical advice

Best book I have read on relationships. Although riddled with stereotypes of archetypal “men” and “women”, it contains real helpful information and exercises

[Cara]

p. 50
List things you can do to help your children feel valuable, worthy of love, competent, compassionate (3 things each). Think of three things to prove you yourself that you are each of these. (Hint: look at how you would prove your kids' value to them.)

p. 143

What to Look For to Know When Change Is Permanent
You should notice after he does the work of the Boot Camp that he consistently (everyday [sic]):
- Values and appreciates you--you are important to him.
- Listens to you.
- Shows interest in you.
- Is compassionate when you need him to be.
- Cares about how you feel, even when you disagree with him.
- Respects you as an equal and doesn't try to change or dismiss your opinions.
- Shows affection without always expecting sex.
- Regulates his guilt, shame, anxiety, resentment, and anger, without blaming them on you.
- Shares his progress by showing you all his homework from the Boot Camp, including the relapse prevention chapter, which he should review at least once a month

He doesn't have to be interested in the things you're interested in, but he hast to be interested that you are interested in them.

[Rafael Rodriguez · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good book, helped me understand my Wife and what I put her through with actions. Has been a great book to help me make amends and repair our relationship.

[Dennis Podryadchikov · Rating 5 out of 5]

Stosny offers a unique and practical approach to marital problems. He addresses both wives and husbands in separate parts of the book, suggesting a way to build one's inner self and thus improve one's marriage. Some readers, of those who struggle in their marriages, will say that they have found words to express what they feel. What Stosny offers may help people to handle any conflict or post-traumatic situation. Stosny's technique "HEALS" is simple yet it can be powerful in many ways. Besides every minister, it could be that every person in their forties will benefit from reading this book.

[Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book recommended on a domestic violence website and almost ran out of the house to go buy it. It is far superior to the other books I have read about verbally abusive relationships that tend to just make abusive men look like hopeless, crazy and deranged psychos. This book looks at the dynamics that cause little boys to grow up to be men that are mean to their mates. It looks at the behaviors women do to bring out this behavior. It presents REAL solutions to the problem instead of recommending that women leave the relationship.

[Karen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is wonderful to change the marriage with problems such as these. If there is physical violence I would not recommend, but if emotional and verbal gives you the whys and hows to rise above.I have read dozens of these books and sometimes the answer here may not work 100%, but there are answers you can at least try. this is the best book on this subject and has mercy on men wheras many do not.

[Sandi · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this book so that I would be better equipped to work with my clients who have been convicted with domestic violence charges. I was additionally pleased to find that this book contains practical advice for any and all who experience any degree of anger, from time to time.

[Jen · Rating 5 out of 5]

A cure for resentment is empathy.

[Thera · Rating 3 out of 5]

so far, much more useful in explaining how behavioral patterns develop and what to do about them to improve relationships & communication (especially re: resentment).