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Extraordinary Relationships: A New Way of Thinking About Human Interactions
This revolutionary book, based on the innovative Bowen Family Systems Theory, is truly the first self-help guide that shows how to improve and fully develop our individual selves by improving our relationships--from friendships and family to the workplace--and how we use them.
240 pages, Paperback
Published December 6, 1992
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April 18, 2008
This book gives an explanation of Bowen's family system theory. The first half of the book is heavy on the theory, and then the second half gets into a little bit of how to use it in real life. It doesn't read like a self-help book, and Gilbert gets props for not using words like "codependence" and other jingoistic psychobabbly words. She's completely blunt and realistic, and it's all well-written.
The basic theory is this: in order to have good relationships, you have to be a well-differentiated, individual self. This means that you have solid boundaries, and you can relate to other people without "lending and borrowing" the self, as Gilbert says. Or in my view, you can be friends with people without trying to become them or making them become you. Ironically, in order to work on being a differentiated self you have to do the work through your relationships. None of us are perfectly differentiated, so we can all improve our basic selves and our relationships. The less differentiated we are, the more anxiety in our relationships (because we get all tense about them), and the more they take on the following five postures, which can relieve anxiety in the short term but only mess things up more over time: conflict, distancing, triangling, under/over-functioning, and cut-off.
Conflict is fighting all the time. Distancing is avoidance, or avoiding talking about anything real (got elephants in the room?). Triangling is using a third person to avoid dealing with each other- the classic example is the couple that has a kid and hyper-obsesses about the kid to the point where it's the sole focus of their relationship. Gossiping is another example of triangling- if all you ever talk about is other people, you have a problem. Under/over-functioning is where one partner is the loser who can't do anything right, and the other is the over-achiever who does everything for the loser. Cut-off is when people completely end the relationship, as in divorce. Combinations of these postures can exist at the same time, and sometimes people cycle between them. Sometimes when people work on the superficial issues they think they're making progress but all they are doing is changing from one posture to another.
Probably the most important aspect of this theory is that undifferentiation and relationship postures are carried on from generation to generation. So it's not really your parents fault, but yes you learned it all from them, and they learned it from their parents, etc etc. Also your own level of differentiation and the postures you adopt in relationships are based on how you interacted with your entire family of origin, not just your parents. Gilbert stresses that in order to move up the scale of differentiation and have better relationships, we have to go back to our original families and work on our relationships there. This doesn't involve changing anyone else or acting like a therapist- all it involves is changing ourselves, and the way we relate to everyone else.
There is a lot more, I'm only scratching the surface here.
I am so glad I found this book, because it is convincing and explains everything clearly. I am motivated to try to work on myself, and I have some idea of how to proceed. Other books I've read on the subject were too barfy and jargony, or they touched on the surface of the issues without getting to the heart of the matter.
The basic theory is this: in order to have good relationships, you have to be a well-differentiated, individual self. This means that you have solid boundaries, and you can relate to other people without "lending and borrowing" the self, as Gilbert says. Or in my view, you can be friends with people without trying to become them or making them become you. Ironically, in order to work on being a differentiated self you have to do the work through your relationships. None of us are perfectly differentiated, so we can all improve our basic selves and our relationships. The less differentiated we are, the more anxiety in our relationships (because we get all tense about them), and the more they take on the following five postures, which can relieve anxiety in the short term but only mess things up more over time: conflict, distancing, triangling, under/over-functioning, and cut-off.
Conflict is fighting all the time. Distancing is avoidance, or avoiding talking about anything real (got elephants in the room?). Triangling is using a third person to avoid dealing with each other- the classic example is the couple that has a kid and hyper-obsesses about the kid to the point where it's the sole focus of their relationship. Gossiping is another example of triangling- if all you ever talk about is other people, you have a problem. Under/over-functioning is where one partner is the loser who can't do anything right, and the other is the over-achiever who does everything for the loser. Cut-off is when people completely end the relationship, as in divorce. Combinations of these postures can exist at the same time, and sometimes people cycle between them. Sometimes when people work on the superficial issues they think they're making progress but all they are doing is changing from one posture to another.
Probably the most important aspect of this theory is that undifferentiation and relationship postures are carried on from generation to generation. So it's not really your parents fault, but yes you learned it all from them, and they learned it from their parents, etc etc. Also your own level of differentiation and the postures you adopt in relationships are based on how you interacted with your entire family of origin, not just your parents. Gilbert stresses that in order to move up the scale of differentiation and have better relationships, we have to go back to our original families and work on our relationships there. This doesn't involve changing anyone else or acting like a therapist- all it involves is changing ourselves, and the way we relate to everyone else.
There is a lot more, I'm only scratching the surface here.
I am so glad I found this book, because it is convincing and explains everything clearly. I am motivated to try to work on myself, and I have some idea of how to proceed. Other books I've read on the subject were too barfy and jargony, or they touched on the surface of the issues without getting to the heart of the matter.
September 24, 2007
This is an incredible book! The publishers put on a silly cover and made it sound like a dull self-help nightmare, but really it's an accessible explanation of Bowen's Multigenerational Family Systems Theory, which is by far the best counseling theory I've come across. Most theories tell you to look deeper to understand the self. This says to take many steps back, instead, to look at patterns in your family for at least 3 generations. When you do this several clear patterns emerge that are being passed around people and relationships. This book helps to you see them so you can stop feeling confused and angry with others (and yourself) because you understand the ingrained predictability of yours and others' destructive ways of relating. When you become aware of them, you can make an intentional effort to change your patterned reactions, helping you to become more independent and secure as you gain control over your emotional life. Beautiful!
February 26, 2023
This book repeats so much content from The Eight Concepts of Bowen Theory that I am reluctant to recommend them both.
I think I enjoyed some of the relationship advice Gilbert adds here—this seems to be one of her main contributions to expanding Bowen’s family systems theories. So, if you only read one, I think I would recommend this one alone. However, as the unfortunate reader spending about a month in this lady’s warped mind, I am hoping to never read another one of her books again.
While many of the concepts in family systems theory *are* helpful, the continual lack of power analysis within these books (and even in most of the critiques of them) make it very hard to engage with the material. This is where the family abolitionists are helpful: they seem to be the only people understanding how families and intimate relationships can be “training grounds” for oppression, and this is a core dynamic impacting the emotional health of family systems. However, since most family abolitionists are not also family therapists, my current class has been stuck with self-help notions of family systems, which continue to avoid the root of many family problems (such as oppressive economic and social structures, and not just “the biological nature of the human species.”)
In my next few responses, I am hoping to thread this needle—using Bowen’s helpful thoughts about the family as the base emotional unit, while using family abolition principles to critique Bowen’s ignorance of the family as capitalism’s base unit. In understanding how the Western and alternative approaches to family ALL continue to train us on how hierarchy should be carried out in the world, I think we can finally get somewhere useful!
So, in summary of this book: it failed to get me where I want to go in terms of understanding family systems, but it does have some helpful tools (particularly around types of communication strategies you can strive for and directly apply to your relationships.) I would read to facilitate better understandings of the therapeutic approach to family systems, and read elsewhere to think about the political ramifications of family systems.
I think I enjoyed some of the relationship advice Gilbert adds here—this seems to be one of her main contributions to expanding Bowen’s family systems theories. So, if you only read one, I think I would recommend this one alone. However, as the unfortunate reader spending about a month in this lady’s warped mind, I am hoping to never read another one of her books again.
While many of the concepts in family systems theory *are* helpful, the continual lack of power analysis within these books (and even in most of the critiques of them) make it very hard to engage with the material. This is where the family abolitionists are helpful: they seem to be the only people understanding how families and intimate relationships can be “training grounds” for oppression, and this is a core dynamic impacting the emotional health of family systems. However, since most family abolitionists are not also family therapists, my current class has been stuck with self-help notions of family systems, which continue to avoid the root of many family problems (such as oppressive economic and social structures, and not just “the biological nature of the human species.”)
In my next few responses, I am hoping to thread this needle—using Bowen’s helpful thoughts about the family as the base emotional unit, while using family abolition principles to critique Bowen’s ignorance of the family as capitalism’s base unit. In understanding how the Western and alternative approaches to family ALL continue to train us on how hierarchy should be carried out in the world, I think we can finally get somewhere useful!
So, in summary of this book: it failed to get me where I want to go in terms of understanding family systems, but it does have some helpful tools (particularly around types of communication strategies you can strive for and directly apply to your relationships.) I would read to facilitate better understandings of the therapeutic approach to family systems, and read elsewhere to think about the political ramifications of family systems.
April 7, 2017
I will start out by saying I was actually assigned this book by my therapist. I think that if I had encountered it organically, I might have added it to the Giant List. But I read it because I was told to. And I am so glad someone bothered to do that for me. There is a line near the beginning of the book where, in a general overview of Bowen Family Systems Theory, Gilbert writes of psychotherapy, especially Freudian, or what most people do, and its continual, endless, every more minute examination of the self and its neuroses. She concludes, "Psychotherapy, it seemed to me, was without a goal except that of continued introspection." Which has long been the reason I stopped pursuing therapy and decided I was "old enough" to just live and deal and get by. Gilbert, writing straightforward literature from Bowen's research, reveals that continued introspection is only worthwhile if you are also identifying system of anxiety and differentiation of self in your most important relationships. Revelatory!
Bowen Systems Theory, in short, is what Einsteinian Physics is to Newtonian. Bowen doesn't reject Freud; rather, he integrates the idea of self and anxiety, then points out that since humans cannot and do not live in vacuums, their relationships and the relationships they observe have just as much impact on their emotional well-being as their own neuroses, outside of pathological situations. The basic emotional unit is not the self, but the nuclear family. Gilbert explains Bowen's overall research and technique and guides the reader through Bowen's Eight Concepts complete with composite examples that contribute to understanding.
The core of the theory and of the work is Differentiation of Self and Nuclear Family Process. It's so simple as to be unbelievable, but I challenge anyone to work through the examples and not gain instant insight as to the triangles of anxiety in early life and family life. Gilbert's continued emphasis on calming anxiety without transferring it and observing anxiety without giving into it, in favor of rational discussion of the root causes of difficult emotion (usually fear, rarely love but often attributed to love) makes for something that seems oversimplified but which, when actually considered, might be a life's or generational job of work.
I'm going to continue to read Bowen and Gilbert's works and strive toward practicing some of the theory, especially to advantage my children. I would love talk with anyone else who has started this work and achieved success. Highly, highly recommended.
Bowen Systems Theory, in short, is what Einsteinian Physics is to Newtonian. Bowen doesn't reject Freud; rather, he integrates the idea of self and anxiety, then points out that since humans cannot and do not live in vacuums, their relationships and the relationships they observe have just as much impact on their emotional well-being as their own neuroses, outside of pathological situations. The basic emotional unit is not the self, but the nuclear family. Gilbert explains Bowen's overall research and technique and guides the reader through Bowen's Eight Concepts complete with composite examples that contribute to understanding.
The core of the theory and of the work is Differentiation of Self and Nuclear Family Process. It's so simple as to be unbelievable, but I challenge anyone to work through the examples and not gain instant insight as to the triangles of anxiety in early life and family life. Gilbert's continued emphasis on calming anxiety without transferring it and observing anxiety without giving into it, in favor of rational discussion of the root causes of difficult emotion (usually fear, rarely love but often attributed to love) makes for something that seems oversimplified but which, when actually considered, might be a life's or generational job of work.
I'm going to continue to read Bowen and Gilbert's works and strive toward practicing some of the theory, especially to advantage my children. I would love talk with anyone else who has started this work and achieved success. Highly, highly recommended.
July 31, 2014
Gilbert does a good job explaining systems without making it sound technical. I appreciated the illustrations and the depth of the content of this book. At the ELCA church I serve, we used it as a base for a 10 week class - two chapters a night. The feedback from the participants was positive. Several had read 8 Concepts and Cornerstone Concept, also by Gilbert. Those who had not read her before or were new to Bowen Family System's Theory still enjoyed the book and the class time.
I am recommending this as a required read for those going through pre-marital classes with me.
I am recommending this as a required read for those going through pre-marital classes with me.
August 9, 2021
"Perhaps the highest form of loving is, through all the emotional excitement of togetherness, simply to be able to maintain a separateness that focuses on being the best self one can be and defining that self, while remaining in calm, thoughtful, meaningful contact with the other, accepting the efforts of the other at being the best self he or she can be over time."
Bowens teori handlar till stora delar om att förstå sitt ’jag’ (self) genom att uppmärksamma de band vi under uppväxten format till våra nära familjemedlemmar. Teorin menar att trauma återproduceras över generationer och existerar till den grad dessa resulterar i reaktivitet och emotionalitet inför händelserna vi upplever. Denna reaktivitet går dock att överkomma genom att med större distans, och därmed mer objektivitet, granska sina nära relationer. I vilka sammanhang är vi reaktiva? Vad är de bakomliggande orsakerna till detta? Syftet med analysen är att resonera fram principer så ens handlanden är mer baserade på intellektuellt formulerade principer, snarare än känslomässiga reaktioner. Ett bra sätt att överkomma denna reaktivitet är att ”gå tillbaka till kärnan” och, till den grad det går, skapa nya och mindre reaktiva band med sina respektive familjemedlemmar.
Centralt för teorin är koncepten om är ’individualitet’ och ’tillsammanshet’ (togetherness). Bowens menar att detta beror på att vi omedvetet ser oss som ofullständiga. Från detta antagande hoppas vi, omedvetet, att våra relationer ska göra oss fullständiga.
Konsekvensen av att söka fullständighet genom andra resulterar i en eller flera dysfunktioner. Dessa är (1) konflikt, (2) distansering, (3) över/-underfunktion, (4) avbrott och (4) triangulering.
Konflikt innebär att ha känslomässigt laddade utbyten.
Distansering innebär att undvika att prata om meningsfulla saker.
Över-/underfunktion sker när ena parten överkompenserar för den andras oduglighet. Medan den underfungerande parten lever genom den överfungerandes, eftersträvar den överfungerande att ”leva för två”. Båda parter saknar tydliga individuella barriärer för att uppnå ett differentierat ’jag’.
Avbrott innebär det fullständiga avbrottet i relationen (t.ex. skilsmässa)
Triangulering innebär användningen av en tredje part för att avlasta den spänning och ångest som kommer från en odifferentierad relation. Två människor kan exempelvis skvallra om en tredje i syfte att fortsätta sitt utbyte, eller ett föräldrapar kan temporärt undfly sin bristande kemi genom att endast prata om deras gemensamma barn.
Ideala relationer kommer från bådas utvecklade självkunskap. Genom reflektion kan parterna uppmärksamma i vilka sammanhang ens handlanden resulterar i känslomässigt utagerande. Reaktiviteten kan ersättas genom att resonera fram principer att handla efter. Konsekvensen blir ökad differentiering och individualitet och därmed minskad reaktivitet. Parterna minskar då sin konstanta flux till varandra genom deras konstanta och omedvetna vilja att eftersträva fullständighet genom varandra. Bowen menar också att individer med höga nivåer av individualitet har mer stabilitet och mindre ångest eftersom de inte har samma behov av att passa in. Individen är då fri eftersom hon genom reflektion kommit underfund med vem hon är. Den ökade distansen skapar därmed också möjligheten att välja alternativa handlingar eftersom man noterat mönstret som ”drog mig in i känslan” och därmed också ökat tålamod och medkänsla.
Högfungerande relationer genomsyras av öppen kommunikation, jämlikhet, och begränsning av hur mycket ansvar man tar för motpartens reaktioner. Individer i högfungerande relationer använder exempelvis inte ”känslomässigt och opålitligt laddat språk”, utan istället en ”logisk och rationell språkanvändning”. I en ökad nivå av differentiering särskiljer Bowen mellan att prata genom sina känslor (indragen i känslan, utagerande av känslan) och att prata om sina känslor (ökad distans och objektivitet).
Handlingen att prata om sina känslor kommer från större distans till dem. Detta resulterar i mer klarhet. I kontrast bidrar handlingen att prata ”genom” sina känslor till mer emotionalitet och reaktivitet. För att uppnå det förstnämnda rekommenderar han att först observera var i kroppen känslorna/spänningen/smärtan förekommer och därefter arbeta med att lösgöra den. Det är först när känslovågen passerat som det går att kultivera mer objektivitet och det läkande arbetet kan göras. Efter känslovågen passerat föreslår Bowen att öka sin självkännedom genom att ställa sig dessa frågor;
1. Vilken/vilka känslor var det som uppkom?
2. När uppkom de? Vad fick dem att uppkomma? Vad hände före de uppkom? Vad var känslan före?
3. Har du upplevt känslan tidigare i ett liknande sammanhang? (är den mönstrat?) Vad handlar känslomänstret om?
a. Att vara avfärdad? Underlägsen? Någon från tidigare år vars känslomönster du modellerat?
4. Är reaktionen lämplig? Vilken är lämplig istället?
a. För att utveckla sin differentiering menar Bowen att man kan utgå både från visuella och praktiska sammanhang för att ersätta de gamla och dysfunktionella reaktionerna. Det är alltså viktigt att arbetet inte endast stannar i tanken utan också utageras i världen.
Om kriser: kriser karakteriseras till viss del av snabb förändring. Baserat på hur individen hanterar den känslomässigt turbulenta perioden resulterar krisen i en permanent ökad eller minskad nivå av differentiering. Observerar individen sina känsloprocesser kan hon dock överväga fler reaktioner, vilket medför en bestående effekt på individens förmåga att uppnå ökad differentiering.
Bowens teori handlar till stora delar om att förstå sitt ’jag’ (self) genom att uppmärksamma de band vi under uppväxten format till våra nära familjemedlemmar. Teorin menar att trauma återproduceras över generationer och existerar till den grad dessa resulterar i reaktivitet och emotionalitet inför händelserna vi upplever. Denna reaktivitet går dock att överkomma genom att med större distans, och därmed mer objektivitet, granska sina nära relationer. I vilka sammanhang är vi reaktiva? Vad är de bakomliggande orsakerna till detta? Syftet med analysen är att resonera fram principer så ens handlanden är mer baserade på intellektuellt formulerade principer, snarare än känslomässiga reaktioner. Ett bra sätt att överkomma denna reaktivitet är att ”gå tillbaka till kärnan” och, till den grad det går, skapa nya och mindre reaktiva band med sina respektive familjemedlemmar.
Centralt för teorin är koncepten om är ’individualitet’ och ’tillsammanshet’ (togetherness). Bowens menar att detta beror på att vi omedvetet ser oss som ofullständiga. Från detta antagande hoppas vi, omedvetet, att våra relationer ska göra oss fullständiga.
Konsekvensen av att söka fullständighet genom andra resulterar i en eller flera dysfunktioner. Dessa är (1) konflikt, (2) distansering, (3) över/-underfunktion, (4) avbrott och (4) triangulering.
Konflikt innebär att ha känslomässigt laddade utbyten.
Distansering innebär att undvika att prata om meningsfulla saker.
Över-/underfunktion sker när ena parten överkompenserar för den andras oduglighet. Medan den underfungerande parten lever genom den överfungerandes, eftersträvar den överfungerande att ”leva för två”. Båda parter saknar tydliga individuella barriärer för att uppnå ett differentierat ’jag’.
Avbrott innebär det fullständiga avbrottet i relationen (t.ex. skilsmässa)
Triangulering innebär användningen av en tredje part för att avlasta den spänning och ångest som kommer från en odifferentierad relation. Två människor kan exempelvis skvallra om en tredje i syfte att fortsätta sitt utbyte, eller ett föräldrapar kan temporärt undfly sin bristande kemi genom att endast prata om deras gemensamma barn.
Ideala relationer kommer från bådas utvecklade självkunskap. Genom reflektion kan parterna uppmärksamma i vilka sammanhang ens handlanden resulterar i känslomässigt utagerande. Reaktiviteten kan ersättas genom att resonera fram principer att handla efter. Konsekvensen blir ökad differentiering och individualitet och därmed minskad reaktivitet. Parterna minskar då sin konstanta flux till varandra genom deras konstanta och omedvetna vilja att eftersträva fullständighet genom varandra. Bowen menar också att individer med höga nivåer av individualitet har mer stabilitet och mindre ångest eftersom de inte har samma behov av att passa in. Individen är då fri eftersom hon genom reflektion kommit underfund med vem hon är. Den ökade distansen skapar därmed också möjligheten att välja alternativa handlingar eftersom man noterat mönstret som ”drog mig in i känslan” och därmed också ökat tålamod och medkänsla.
Högfungerande relationer genomsyras av öppen kommunikation, jämlikhet, och begränsning av hur mycket ansvar man tar för motpartens reaktioner. Individer i högfungerande relationer använder exempelvis inte ”känslomässigt och opålitligt laddat språk”, utan istället en ”logisk och rationell språkanvändning”. I en ökad nivå av differentiering särskiljer Bowen mellan att prata genom sina känslor (indragen i känslan, utagerande av känslan) och att prata om sina känslor (ökad distans och objektivitet).
Handlingen att prata om sina känslor kommer från större distans till dem. Detta resulterar i mer klarhet. I kontrast bidrar handlingen att prata ”genom” sina känslor till mer emotionalitet och reaktivitet. För att uppnå det förstnämnda rekommenderar han att först observera var i kroppen känslorna/spänningen/smärtan förekommer och därefter arbeta med att lösgöra den. Det är först när känslovågen passerat som det går att kultivera mer objektivitet och det läkande arbetet kan göras. Efter känslovågen passerat föreslår Bowen att öka sin självkännedom genom att ställa sig dessa frågor;
1. Vilken/vilka känslor var det som uppkom?
2. När uppkom de? Vad fick dem att uppkomma? Vad hände före de uppkom? Vad var känslan före?
3. Har du upplevt känslan tidigare i ett liknande sammanhang? (är den mönstrat?) Vad handlar känslomänstret om?
a. Att vara avfärdad? Underlägsen? Någon från tidigare år vars känslomönster du modellerat?
4. Är reaktionen lämplig? Vilken är lämplig istället?
a. För att utveckla sin differentiering menar Bowen att man kan utgå både från visuella och praktiska sammanhang för att ersätta de gamla och dysfunktionella reaktionerna. Det är alltså viktigt att arbetet inte endast stannar i tanken utan också utageras i världen.
Om kriser: kriser karakteriseras till viss del av snabb förändring. Baserat på hur individen hanterar den känslomässigt turbulenta perioden resulterar krisen i en permanent ökad eller minskad nivå av differentiering. Observerar individen sina känsloprocesser kan hon dock överväga fler reaktioner, vilket medför en bestående effekt på individens förmåga att uppnå ökad differentiering.
March 27, 2025
I highly encourage this book for everyone.
The author is a student of Bowen Family Systems and teaches from a systems perspective. The content will challenge the average pop psychology advise to either cutoff relationships that "make" you anxious, simply learn the next calming technique, or symptomatic cause and effect thinking.
It highlights the importance of relationships, especially in your family of origin, while never backing away from turning the focus on your Self for that relationship to get better.
The author is a student of Bowen Family Systems and teaches from a systems perspective. The content will challenge the average pop psychology advise to either cutoff relationships that "make" you anxious, simply learn the next calming technique, or symptomatic cause and effect thinking.
It highlights the importance of relationships, especially in your family of origin, while never backing away from turning the focus on your Self for that relationship to get better.
September 8, 2014
This is not light reading. Gilbert looks at relationships within the context of Bowen family systems theory. It is an academic work that helps to understand relational behavior in terms of family of origin systems. In other words, it explores how one's behavior is a result of the family system within which they were raised. Within my own setting (parish ministry), systems theory helps us to understand how and why various members of a congregation behave in certain ways. Bowen, and now Gilbert, maintain that it is as much a function of their family of origin as it is of the system in which they now function. A popular pyschotherapy tool, family systems seeks to help us understand our current family, our work family, our church family, and other groups as we function together, but adds the dimension of our family of origin as well. Bowen and Gilbert hypothesize that habits set in the family system we grew up in determine, often, the way we react within our current systems. A very good look at systems theory for those who appreciate systems theory. Very readable if approached from an academic perspective.
July 9, 2016
Academic - but someone interesting. Seemed to have circular reasoning - but perhaps the reasoning was missed on me since I am not a practitioner. The message seemed to be that self is not important - instead we need to focus on relationships. But, to fix relationship problems, we need to focus on the self. Huh?
While there were some good ideas in the book about how to do that - it overall left me feeling like I now know what to do but not really how to do it.
While there were some good ideas in the book about how to do that - it overall left me feeling like I now know what to do but not really how to do it.
April 20, 2019
Humanity needs Love...
As a society, we are in desperate need to read this book. Relationships depend upon each of us finding our “self” at the highest level. We must take charge of our emotions and love others with out an agenda.
As a society, we are in desperate need to read this book. Relationships depend upon each of us finding our “self” at the highest level. We must take charge of our emotions and love others with out an agenda.
February 24, 2022
This was suggested to me by my Goodreads Friend Marco to further my understanding of Bowen Family Therapy. I struggled with Michael Kerr’s Family Evaluation, feeling as if there was something I was not quite getting. I now have a clearer understanding of the concepts underlying Bowen Family Therapy and its strong suggestion that being involve in a relationship is a process of both integration and differentiation. I still think Bowen Family Therapy is esoteric and hard to define, which is acknowledged in the pretext of Michael Kerr’s Family Evaluation.
“The distinctive human cerebral cortex came into existence later. It may be less able than has been previously appreciated. Clinically, it seems that in order to change an emotional pattern, the thinking brain must work hard, sometimes for a long time” (p35). What I found interesting that this book is 30 years old and it hints as what we have discovered neurologically about the brain via fMRI studies in the subsequent 30 years. Changing behaviour patterns takes years of practice to rewire the brain via neuroplasticity. We are not in as much control of ourselves as our right sided frontal cortex would have us believe, but it controls our language so it has great influence on what we ‘believe’.
“The goal is not to react as emotionally intensely and to continue to stay in calm communication with the other person. This is not easy to attain, but simply having it in mind is useful” (p 49). If you can begin by being present and maintaining an observers mind of your own mind and name when you are becoming emotionally activated, you are on your way to starting the rewiring. This supports what I am co-reading in Daniel Siegel’s ‘Mindsight’ about ‘ GABA or gamma-aminobutyric acid, is a neutotransmitter that plays an important role in the prefrontal inhibition of of subcortical firing” (p 43 of Mindsight).
Gilbert states that “communication is less a problem than a symptom: The problem is the relationship position itself” (p 82). As a therapist she suggests working on the underlying issues informing the ‘communication’. This seems to make sense, especially in the Psychodynamic framework that I am identifying more strongly with.
“The human is a narcissistic creature who lives in the present and who is more interested in his own square inch of real estate, and more devoted to fighting for his rights than in the multigenerational meaning of life itself (p120)”. I loved Craig Malkin’s ‘Rethinking Narcissism’ and agree narcissism part of us, we are not Ants. The Myth of Narcissus and Echo is an important metaphor, and we are healthiest in between to two. I definitely have narcissistic traits and am not unique. Identifying and acknowledging my narcissism has been an important part of integrating my shadow. Seeing others as more Narcissus and less Echo is an important part of understanding the Psyche. It is an ‘is’ ‘ought’ problem. We are Narcissus, but we ought to be Echo (according to the collective culture).
I am closer to understanding Bowen Family therapy. Marco has given me another text which is a work of fiction which he believes is an example of Bowen Family Therapy. I will read that later in the year. This book reinforced that I continue on the Psychodynamic path. It is esoteric, but I am coming to see it is a lot simpler than I first thought, when I felt I was missing something in Michael Kerr’s Family Evaluation. It is definitely an influence on my practice.
“The distinctive human cerebral cortex came into existence later. It may be less able than has been previously appreciated. Clinically, it seems that in order to change an emotional pattern, the thinking brain must work hard, sometimes for a long time” (p35). What I found interesting that this book is 30 years old and it hints as what we have discovered neurologically about the brain via fMRI studies in the subsequent 30 years. Changing behaviour patterns takes years of practice to rewire the brain via neuroplasticity. We are not in as much control of ourselves as our right sided frontal cortex would have us believe, but it controls our language so it has great influence on what we ‘believe’.
“The goal is not to react as emotionally intensely and to continue to stay in calm communication with the other person. This is not easy to attain, but simply having it in mind is useful” (p 49). If you can begin by being present and maintaining an observers mind of your own mind and name when you are becoming emotionally activated, you are on your way to starting the rewiring. This supports what I am co-reading in Daniel Siegel’s ‘Mindsight’ about ‘ GABA or gamma-aminobutyric acid, is a neutotransmitter that plays an important role in the prefrontal inhibition of of subcortical firing” (p 43 of Mindsight).
Gilbert states that “communication is less a problem than a symptom: The problem is the relationship position itself” (p 82). As a therapist she suggests working on the underlying issues informing the ‘communication’. This seems to make sense, especially in the Psychodynamic framework that I am identifying more strongly with.
“The human is a narcissistic creature who lives in the present and who is more interested in his own square inch of real estate, and more devoted to fighting for his rights than in the multigenerational meaning of life itself (p120)”. I loved Craig Malkin’s ‘Rethinking Narcissism’ and agree narcissism part of us, we are not Ants. The Myth of Narcissus and Echo is an important metaphor, and we are healthiest in between to two. I definitely have narcissistic traits and am not unique. Identifying and acknowledging my narcissism has been an important part of integrating my shadow. Seeing others as more Narcissus and less Echo is an important part of understanding the Psyche. It is an ‘is’ ‘ought’ problem. We are Narcissus, but we ought to be Echo (according to the collective culture).
I am closer to understanding Bowen Family therapy. Marco has given me another text which is a work of fiction which he believes is an example of Bowen Family Therapy. I will read that later in the year. This book reinforced that I continue on the Psychodynamic path. It is esoteric, but I am coming to see it is a lot simpler than I first thought, when I felt I was missing something in Michael Kerr’s Family Evaluation. It is definitely an influence on my practice.
August 16, 2021
Very good popular book on Bowen Theory as applied to relationships.
June 15, 2025
My father recommended me this book after have witnessing many of my past relationships. I have learned a lot in this book, and it answered the many questions I had regarding emotions, relationships, and self love. I highly recommend this book! I gave 4 stars and not 5 because I’m not a huge non-fiction reader. This book, although only under 300 pages, took me forever.
January 16, 2018
This book has been given me a systematic and helpful way of approaching significant relationships from my mom, to my best friends, to my peers at work and school.
Separate Equal Open. SEO is essential for relationships to thrive. Where I fit in my family system and entering into that and every other arena with the goal of defining myself is a journey this book helped me to begin. It's terrific and has improved all of my relationshps - family, friends, colleagues, and even my enemies. I'm sure I have at least one.. Ahh honestly, probably not cool enough for that.
Separate Equal Open. SEO is essential for relationships to thrive. Where I fit in my family system and entering into that and every other arena with the goal of defining myself is a journey this book helped me to begin. It's terrific and has improved all of my relationshps - family, friends, colleagues, and even my enemies. I'm sure I have at least one.. Ahh honestly, probably not cool enough for that.
October 4, 2019
An interesting summary of Bowen Family Theory, which tries to conceptualize how individuals act in the context of other people in their lives, particularly their family of origin. None are immune from these influences and I liked being forced to think about these multiple personal interactions, particularly triangulation. We are given guidelines on the healthiest way to live emotionally, with a high degree of self-determination. It was a dense read that required a lot of concentration, but I feel it was worth the slog to gain this new perspective on relationships.
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December 14, 2015I have been in Dr. Gilbert's seminar on LEADERSHIP for three years. The theory of Murray Bowen MD is powerful enough to change any life or life situation regardless who it is and what situation they are in. It has given me better relationsips and LEADERSHIP POSITIONS in my vocation than ANYTHING I HAVE EVER BEEN IN! Read this book !!
July 22, 2021
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This is a broader description of the Bowen Family Systems Theory. I appreciate learning more about the theory and am curious if it is widely applied (as opposed to Freudian or Jungian theories) these days. Differentiation and individuation, interestingly, were big terms in the work I did for my entire career - for much different reasons.
This is a broader description of the Bowen Family Systems Theory. I appreciate learning more about the theory and am curious if it is widely applied (as opposed to Freudian or Jungian theories) these days. Differentiation and individuation, interestingly, were big terms in the work I did for my entire career - for much different reasons.
December 8, 2008
One of those books one should re-read to keep perspective about all kinds of relationships (family, romantic, work, etc) and re-aligning one's own expectations in each of those relationships. The provided case studies make it easy to relate to the situations and how they may fit your own life.
February 13, 2013
This is the best self help book I have read, a layman's explanation of Bowen's family system theory. Observe patterns in your nuclear and extended families, adjust your own behavior and responses, and experience improved relationships. Know thyself and become a more mature and secure human being.
October 20, 2021
Continuing my reading of family systems theory - I would say the main strength of this book is the way it is able to distill most of the core concepts into just a few pages each, with hypothetical examples given for each to make them more recognizable. The book is helpful in presenting the case for seeking more "separate, equal, and open" relational norms across a wide array of relationship types, where differentiation permits emotional reactivity to fade to the background rather than dominating interactions.
Perhaps my biggest critique of this book is its lack of discussion of functional vs. basic differentiation, which was a significant part of Michael Kerr's (much denser) book "Family Evaluation." Because the book does not include a significant discussion of this, there are claims made that seem baseless, such as the claim that romantic relationships only develop between two people with the same level of differentiation. Would that be basic, or functional? And why? I can get that in an intimate relationship differentiation would eventually equalize at the same level, but I don't understand the claim made in the book about initial attraction. There is no evidence or argument given, and it is just stated as "theory holds...." There were also some basic typos or errors, like the illustration on page 78 (there are nine triangle possibilities in a family system of five, not eight, a point which was made earlier in the book). The book also spends a significant number of pages at the end summarizing Toman's book on sibling position and relationship patterns, something which felt somewhat out of place and oversimplified.
I enjoyed the presentation of the family systems theory, which seemed generally accurate and accessible, and am still thinking through the ins and outs of it for myself. I think that one aspect of the theory I am still wrestling with is the prominence of individual "thought-driven" and long-term-focused action as the ideal, in contrast to "feeling-driven" reactions. I would agree that emotive reactions are often at the core of relational dysfunction, but that does not mean that sticking to self-determined, thought-out goals or principles in contrast to "ephemeral emotions" is the sole answer. It seems to fall into the general trend of overemphasizing rationality and denigrating emotiveness which is still part of the heritage of the European enlightenment. It also feels a bit like a theory where, as the phrase goes, "when you are holding a hammer everything looks like a nail," used to apply more universally than warranted. All that being said, though, I think it is an incredibly useful and insightful look at an important dimension of how emotional reaction and transmission functions in human relational systems.
Perhaps my biggest critique of this book is its lack of discussion of functional vs. basic differentiation, which was a significant part of Michael Kerr's (much denser) book "Family Evaluation." Because the book does not include a significant discussion of this, there are claims made that seem baseless, such as the claim that romantic relationships only develop between two people with the same level of differentiation. Would that be basic, or functional? And why? I can get that in an intimate relationship differentiation would eventually equalize at the same level, but I don't understand the claim made in the book about initial attraction. There is no evidence or argument given, and it is just stated as "theory holds...." There were also some basic typos or errors, like the illustration on page 78 (there are nine triangle possibilities in a family system of five, not eight, a point which was made earlier in the book). The book also spends a significant number of pages at the end summarizing Toman's book on sibling position and relationship patterns, something which felt somewhat out of place and oversimplified.
I enjoyed the presentation of the family systems theory, which seemed generally accurate and accessible, and am still thinking through the ins and outs of it for myself. I think that one aspect of the theory I am still wrestling with is the prominence of individual "thought-driven" and long-term-focused action as the ideal, in contrast to "feeling-driven" reactions. I would agree that emotive reactions are often at the core of relational dysfunction, but that does not mean that sticking to self-determined, thought-out goals or principles in contrast to "ephemeral emotions" is the sole answer. It seems to fall into the general trend of overemphasizing rationality and denigrating emotiveness which is still part of the heritage of the European enlightenment. It also feels a bit like a theory where, as the phrase goes, "when you are holding a hammer everything looks like a nail," used to apply more universally than warranted. All that being said, though, I think it is an incredibly useful and insightful look at an important dimension of how emotional reaction and transmission functions in human relational systems.
July 24, 2021
My therapist is currently out on maternity leave and I am enjoying more free time because my internship is done. I figured this would be a good time for individual study and asked her to recommend reading that would be beneficial based on my therapy goals and personal issues. This was her strongest recommendation. I think it was an excellent choice. I would give it 4.5 stars, but not the full 5 because it is a little too academic-- I think it would be helpful for a lot of people I know, but not sure they would read it because of the academic tone. I will probably recommend it anyway with that caveat.
I would be interested in knowing if the author wrote any implementation or guide books on the theory. I can see definite applications in my life but I am not sure how to go about it. Certainly much of Bowen's theory and approach are incorporated in therapeutic practice these days, regardless of theoretical orientation, because it is quite sound. Achieving or maximizing true self really does empower one to bring their best to everything else in life, including interpersonal relationships. And I see the value in addressing the emotional relationships with family of origin in order to reduce the impact of the patterns learned in that environment. But I think that a person should work on clearer differentiation first in order to avoid getting sucked back into toxic roles.
Will definitely read this again because there is much to be gained in my own differentiation journey and in future mental health work. I will also look for additional readings on the theory that are hopefully more contemporary. There are aspects of the modern world and multiculturalism that are not addressed which I think are valuable. And the incorporation of Toman's theories on sibling positions was helpful if incomplete (I saw some solid stuff that pertained to my own family although our blended variation was not accounted for), and entirely too heteronormative and patriarchal for a lot of people to be comfortable with
I would be interested in knowing if the author wrote any implementation or guide books on the theory. I can see definite applications in my life but I am not sure how to go about it. Certainly much of Bowen's theory and approach are incorporated in therapeutic practice these days, regardless of theoretical orientation, because it is quite sound. Achieving or maximizing true self really does empower one to bring their best to everything else in life, including interpersonal relationships. And I see the value in addressing the emotional relationships with family of origin in order to reduce the impact of the patterns learned in that environment. But I think that a person should work on clearer differentiation first in order to avoid getting sucked back into toxic roles.
Will definitely read this again because there is much to be gained in my own differentiation journey and in future mental health work. I will also look for additional readings on the theory that are hopefully more contemporary. There are aspects of the modern world and multiculturalism that are not addressed which I think are valuable. And the incorporation of Toman's theories on sibling positions was helpful if incomplete (I saw some solid stuff that pertained to my own family although our blended variation was not accounted for), and entirely too heteronormative and patriarchal for a lot of people to be comfortable with
November 22, 2022
I read this book as part of exploring the work of Murray Bowen, family therapist and systems thinker. It is one of a number of books I have read by followers of his work, each book contributing something different.
I feel slightly torn about this book, now in its second edition. It covers all the ground, with a clear and well thought out structure, looking at how relationships operate in practice, laying out an ideal - what we might strive for, and identifying ways to move towards the ideal. Each chapter includes questions to reflect on and end notes. In the process of writing, the author explains Bowen's theory and also includes valuable quotes from Bowen's work, including extended quotes in the appendices.
However, this book is not a "light meal". This may be because this is a new way of viewing human behaviour. (I have no doubt that I will continue to study this book as part of studying Bowen's ideas). The author also used words which seemed to have specific meanings that were not explained. I was grateful to have read Kathleen Smith's book Everything Isn't Terrible before reading this book, since Smith explains very precisely what she means by "principles", a word she and Bowen both use but which is not explained in the book or included in the index. I am left with a sense that it doesn't quite "hang together" despite the appeal of the structure, with some items appearing late in the book that would have been valuable at the beginning. One thing that I noticed was the number of typos in the book, which I didn't enjoy. A good line edit would be worthwhile.
All this being said, this book provided a valuable addition to my explorations of Bowen's theories. I have no doubt I am learning from Bowen's work and from the work of his followers. I certainly intend to continue to learn how to operate in my own family in line with my own principles, seeking to meet fellow family members where they are whilst also maintaining my boundaries, in the hope of moving towards increasingly mature and mutually beneficial relationships.
I feel slightly torn about this book, now in its second edition. It covers all the ground, with a clear and well thought out structure, looking at how relationships operate in practice, laying out an ideal - what we might strive for, and identifying ways to move towards the ideal. Each chapter includes questions to reflect on and end notes. In the process of writing, the author explains Bowen's theory and also includes valuable quotes from Bowen's work, including extended quotes in the appendices.
However, this book is not a "light meal". This may be because this is a new way of viewing human behaviour. (I have no doubt that I will continue to study this book as part of studying Bowen's ideas). The author also used words which seemed to have specific meanings that were not explained. I was grateful to have read Kathleen Smith's book Everything Isn't Terrible before reading this book, since Smith explains very precisely what she means by "principles", a word she and Bowen both use but which is not explained in the book or included in the index. I am left with a sense that it doesn't quite "hang together" despite the appeal of the structure, with some items appearing late in the book that would have been valuable at the beginning. One thing that I noticed was the number of typos in the book, which I didn't enjoy. A good line edit would be worthwhile.
All this being said, this book provided a valuable addition to my explorations of Bowen's theories. I have no doubt I am learning from Bowen's work and from the work of his followers. I certainly intend to continue to learn how to operate in my own family in line with my own principles, seeking to meet fellow family members where they are whilst also maintaining my boundaries, in the hope of moving towards increasingly mature and mutually beneficial relationships.
January 15, 2025
3.5 stars! My husband read this book during his hospital chaplaincy training and references it frequently, so I had to see what all the fuss was about.
Cons: terrible title (this is a primer on Family Systems Theory, a psychological model, not a self-help book) and the first 1/4 of the text is very hand wavy. My remaining beef is really with the theory itself -- the obsession with sibling order, dismissal of transference as a tool, insistence on re-entering the family system without acknowledgment that this may be unsafe, lack of nuance around ethnic etc. identity factors, etc. -- and the typical "one size fits all" and "we fixed Freud" commentary which is apparently obligatory in every contemporary psychological model.
Pros: very approachable and thorough review of FST. Lots of extremely helpful sections on triangulation and various relationship patterns, including under/over functioning (truly, a personal attack). I especially appreciated the last section on the lived experience of various relationship types, including friendships and work relationships.
Overall this model seems like an extremely -- but not universally -- useful one, especially if someone is working with families in treatment or, like all of us, just happens to exist in a family and wants to know what the hell is going on.
Cons: terrible title (this is a primer on Family Systems Theory, a psychological model, not a self-help book) and the first 1/4 of the text is very hand wavy. My remaining beef is really with the theory itself -- the obsession with sibling order, dismissal of transference as a tool, insistence on re-entering the family system without acknowledgment that this may be unsafe, lack of nuance around ethnic etc. identity factors, etc. -- and the typical "one size fits all" and "we fixed Freud" commentary which is apparently obligatory in every contemporary psychological model.
Pros: very approachable and thorough review of FST. Lots of extremely helpful sections on triangulation and various relationship patterns, including under/over functioning (truly, a personal attack). I especially appreciated the last section on the lived experience of various relationship types, including friendships and work relationships.
Overall this model seems like an extremely -- but not universally -- useful one, especially if someone is working with families in treatment or, like all of us, just happens to exist in a family and wants to know what the hell is going on.
October 31, 2019
A convicting read. I found myself guilty of some of the hallmarks of "less differentiated" individuals. A book written in the school of Family Systems theory developed by Dr Murray Bowen, this book seeks to make readers aware of the ways in which they take part in the emotional systems created by their family and friends. According to this work, we as individuals are only responsible for doing the best we can with the 50% of every relationship we are a part of, no more and no less. This can serve as a freeing idea in conformity with reality in the right light, and that's how I've chosen to receive the hard truths in this book. I do feel like a better version of myself in relating to others having read this though, and would recommend it to anyone else interested in doing so.
December 1, 2020
This book overrides so much of the bad relationship advice that is easy to find online or even in pop psychology and self-help books. It takes a deeper dive into how family systems and a sense of self impact relationships in a way that is easy for non-professionals to understand and address in their own lives. My only critique of Bowen's theory, and subsequently, this book is that it does not really take blended or non-traditional family structure into account. It is very much centered on the 'nuclear family' as the immediate and therefore influential family. There is plenty to take away from this book even with that caveat, but it is strange to me that these things weren't taken into consideration for a book written in the 90s and updated more recently.
December 30, 2023
This one was ok.
I read Jenny Brown's Growing yourself up, which is a very similar book but feel I liked that one better.
Extraordinary Relationships is essentially a summarising and unpacking of Murray Bowen's Family Systems Theory. Gilbert sticks pretty close to the script in terms of communicating Bowen to the average reader, helping them to "think systems" and understand key concepts like triangling, anxiety in a system and the signifcance of birth order.
I appreciate that she used real life stories to communicate her points, but at times I found the content a little dry. I'm still glad I read it, and in conjunction with Brown's book helped me to think deeply about my own family and upbringing, and how to understand my more dysfunctional behaviour patterns.
I read Jenny Brown's Growing yourself up, which is a very similar book but feel I liked that one better.
Extraordinary Relationships is essentially a summarising and unpacking of Murray Bowen's Family Systems Theory. Gilbert sticks pretty close to the script in terms of communicating Bowen to the average reader, helping them to "think systems" and understand key concepts like triangling, anxiety in a system and the signifcance of birth order.
I appreciate that she used real life stories to communicate her points, but at times I found the content a little dry. I'm still glad I read it, and in conjunction with Brown's book helped me to think deeply about my own family and upbringing, and how to understand my more dysfunctional behaviour patterns.
March 2, 2025
I read this for CPE and thought it was a great primer for family systems theory. The writing is accessible and straightforward and Gilbert does a good job of conveying complex ideas in ways that make sense. I did feel like it had a "self-help-y" undercurrent that dulled its sharpness at times, and reads a little unpolished at the technical level (why are there typos in a second edition?). I took a little bit of issue with what, at times, reads like a valorization of independence (rather than interdependence) and intellect over emotion, but those don't feel core to family systems. Overall this is a great resource.
June 1, 2025
This book used broad terms which it didn’t define very well until the appendices at the end. For instance, you should strive to Basic Self but said little about what that meant, other than setting principles and making decisions based on thought rather than emotion. I think this book was written assuming you had a basic understanding of the Bowen Theory, and I did not. It also stated that your basic Self was established before you left your parental family, and you could only change it a little…so…kinda, what’s the point?
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
June 27, 2017
There is something for everyone in this book. It is an analysis of family relationships and how they affect our ability to get along with others. I found that much of what was in this book applied to me. Though it made me confront my own shortcomings, it was enlightening. I wish I had read this book when I was younger. I think I would have had much less conflict in my interactions if that had been the case.
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