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He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships
Available for the first time in paperback, this follow-up to the phenomenally successful Men Who Can't Love tackles the issue of commitmentphobia, that persistent obstacle to truly satisfying contemporary relationships. Authors Stephen Carter and Julia Sokol explore why modern men and women are torn between the desire for intimacy and the equally intense need for independence. Drawing on numerous interviews and real-life scenarios, and written with humor, insight, and the kind of wisdom gained by personal experience, He's Scared, She's Scared offes guidance for all of us who want genuine, sustained intimacy with our romantic partners.
352 pages, Paperback
First published January 2, 1993
137 people are currently reading
1086 people want to read
About the author
Steven Carter
20 books18 followersSteven A. Carter is an American author of non-fiction, self-help and humor.
A distinguished graduate of Cornell University, member of the Quill and Dagger society, and winner of the William K. Kennedy Dean's Prize for extraordinary academic achievement, Steven A. Carter also holds a Master's Degree in Education and a Master's Degree in Psychology.
Steven Carter was born in New York City and raised in New Hyde Park, New York. He is the author of twenty-seven books, including the New York Times bestseller "Men Who Can't Love" (with co-author Julia Sokol), "What Smart Women Know", and seven other National Bestsellers. Carter coined the phrase "Commitmentphobia" in 1987. He and Sokol are recognized as two of the foremost authorities on the subjects of commitment, fear of commitment, attachment disorders, and narcissistic personality disorder.
In the winter of 2007 "What Smart Women Know" was released in Brazil by Editora Sextante, the publishing company founded by brothers Marcos and Tomas Pereira. "What Smart Women Know" spent 110 weeks on Brazil's top-ten bestseller lists, at one point being the #2 selling book in all of Brazil. "Men Like Women Who Like Themselves" was released in mid-2008 and spent 45 weeks on Brazil's bestseller lists. The Brazilian edition of Men Who Can't Love" was released by Editora Sextante in late 2009, followed by "The Secrets of Self-Esteem" in May 2010 and "This Is How Love Works" in September 2011.
Editora Sextante has sold over two million copies of these Carter/Sokol titles in Brazil since the first release. Editora Sextante is most well known in Brazil for their books by the Dalai Lama, Augusto Cury, and, most recently, Paulo Coehlo.
Prior to beginning his career as an author, Steven Carter was the Director of Tennis at the world-renowned Little Dix Bay Hotel in the British Virgin Islands and Head Tennis Pro at the Dorado Beach Resort in Dorado Beach, Puerto Rico. It has been suggested that some of his Carter's early insights into relationships were formulated during those years. He has also written extensively about the stages of healing he experienced through almost twenty years of his own deeply personal work.
A distinguished graduate of Cornell University, member of the Quill and Dagger society, and winner of the William K. Kennedy Dean's Prize for extraordinary academic achievement, Steven A. Carter also holds a Master's Degree in Education and a Master's Degree in Psychology.
Steven Carter was born in New York City and raised in New Hyde Park, New York. He is the author of twenty-seven books, including the New York Times bestseller "Men Who Can't Love" (with co-author Julia Sokol), "What Smart Women Know", and seven other National Bestsellers. Carter coined the phrase "Commitmentphobia" in 1987. He and Sokol are recognized as two of the foremost authorities on the subjects of commitment, fear of commitment, attachment disorders, and narcissistic personality disorder.
In the winter of 2007 "What Smart Women Know" was released in Brazil by Editora Sextante, the publishing company founded by brothers Marcos and Tomas Pereira. "What Smart Women Know" spent 110 weeks on Brazil's top-ten bestseller lists, at one point being the #2 selling book in all of Brazil. "Men Like Women Who Like Themselves" was released in mid-2008 and spent 45 weeks on Brazil's bestseller lists. The Brazilian edition of Men Who Can't Love" was released by Editora Sextante in late 2009, followed by "The Secrets of Self-Esteem" in May 2010 and "This Is How Love Works" in September 2011.
Editora Sextante has sold over two million copies of these Carter/Sokol titles in Brazil since the first release. Editora Sextante is most well known in Brazil for their books by the Dalai Lama, Augusto Cury, and, most recently, Paulo Coehlo.
Prior to beginning his career as an author, Steven Carter was the Director of Tennis at the world-renowned Little Dix Bay Hotel in the British Virgin Islands and Head Tennis Pro at the Dorado Beach Resort in Dorado Beach, Puerto Rico. It has been suggested that some of his Carter's early insights into relationships were formulated during those years. He has also written extensively about the stages of healing he experienced through almost twenty years of his own deeply personal work.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 58 reviews
July 22, 2010
I'm sure this was a good book, but I was having a really hard time getting through more than a couple of pages at a time...maybe I'll pick it back up when the next boyfriend messes me up worse than the last one.
October 6, 2011
This book is structured like many self-help books, with scenario after case study, repetitiously illustrating the basic thesis, which is that there are two types of commitmentphobic people: active and passive, and they behave differently. Which one are you (if any)? It doesn't take long to match your story to one of the types, or this book is not for you.
The first 250 pages or so could have been boiled down to about 30 pages, but if you can make it to the back of the book, you find out how to change your patterns. Chapter Ten: Making Commitments That Count offers useful insights into making incremental changes that help you stop sabotaging yourself. And in the Appendix, Section Two: Recovering From a Commitmentphobic Relationship offers reminders to help you regain your strength and self-esteem after it's over. This book has overall value, especially in the last 70 pages.
Recommended for anyone who wonders why they choose someone who is so bad for them, and how they can break the pattern for good.
The first 250 pages or so could have been boiled down to about 30 pages, but if you can make it to the back of the book, you find out how to change your patterns. Chapter Ten: Making Commitments That Count offers useful insights into making incremental changes that help you stop sabotaging yourself. And in the Appendix, Section Two: Recovering From a Commitmentphobic Relationship offers reminders to help you regain your strength and self-esteem after it's over. This book has overall value, especially in the last 70 pages.
Recommended for anyone who wonders why they choose someone who is so bad for them, and how they can break the pattern for good.
November 18, 2013
The authors explore issues and anxieties about individual commitment that prevent people from finding or keeping the love they need. This book examines why people may be afraid of a serious ongoing relationship and differentiates between male and female fears and responses. Using case studies, the authors illustrate commitment problems and suggest ways to resolve conflicts.
I stumbled across this book while searching for another title. It called to me so I downloaded it. The information presented in this book is very insightful; I have a deeper understanding about myself, my pattern, and my past relationships.
The authors demonstrate the differences between active and passive commitment phobias and how they play out in pursuit-panic relationships by examining each relationship stage. They suggest that everyone has some degree of commitment phobia. The many exercises and questionnaires in this book help readers to identify their relationship patterns, fears, and commitment conflicts.
This book is heavy reading; the first five chapters contain case studies of unhealthy relationships which I found depressing. The questionnaires really helped me identify my relationship pattern and my fears. I enjoyed reading about narcissistic, claustrophobic, universal and circumstantial commitment anxiety. The appendix is a great quick reference and includes information on recovering from a break-up.
Understanding ourselves and our behavior is key in refining it and learning from past relationships. Learning to recognize commitment phobic responses in ourselves and others will assist us in sustaining healthy and satisfying relationships.
Everyone should read this book; aside from relationships, there are many other areas where commitment phobia plays a role, such as at work and at home. It’s a good resource with many practical suggestions which apply to all areas of life.
I stumbled across this book while searching for another title. It called to me so I downloaded it. The information presented in this book is very insightful; I have a deeper understanding about myself, my pattern, and my past relationships.
The authors demonstrate the differences between active and passive commitment phobias and how they play out in pursuit-panic relationships by examining each relationship stage. They suggest that everyone has some degree of commitment phobia. The many exercises and questionnaires in this book help readers to identify their relationship patterns, fears, and commitment conflicts.
This book is heavy reading; the first five chapters contain case studies of unhealthy relationships which I found depressing. The questionnaires really helped me identify my relationship pattern and my fears. I enjoyed reading about narcissistic, claustrophobic, universal and circumstantial commitment anxiety. The appendix is a great quick reference and includes information on recovering from a break-up.
Understanding ourselves and our behavior is key in refining it and learning from past relationships. Learning to recognize commitment phobic responses in ourselves and others will assist us in sustaining healthy and satisfying relationships.
Everyone should read this book; aside from relationships, there are many other areas where commitment phobia plays a role, such as at work and at home. It’s a good resource with many practical suggestions which apply to all areas of life.
April 8, 2024
I would actually give this book a 4.5 star. I came across this book once before and wanted to put it on my reading list, and actually came across it at the Dollar Tree. Woo hoo! Though I pick up self-help and psychology books from time to time and believe most are opinionated bullshit, you know opinions are like assholes, everybody has one. Well this book peeked my interest and I read through it quickly. Though I don’t agree 100% it’s pretty darn close and makes sense. I would HIGHLY recommend it. I picked it up because I was in a relationship with a Cop, first mistake, who was a commitment phobic. He also had severe depression and popped pills for it without telling me from the beginning. Needless to say I was head over heels in love with “stable mable” before I knew about his depression and his commitment issues. I believe I became a passive avoider in this relationship because I lost myself, my voice-all because I was too afraid to offend or hurt his whinny depressed narrow ass. (Forgive me for knocking him, but I am quite enjoying it.) In conclusion, if relationships now scare the sh💩t out of you, or you have blamed yourself for so long because “stable mable”ran away, or you are a “stable mable,” read this d*mn book. It will do you some good.
February 25, 2015
Got to the part where you actually have to evaluate yourself and MYSTERIOUSLY lost interest, lol. Need to devote time to finishing this book. I think it could help.
March 4, 2017
Let's never discuss this read irl cos shame.
September 8, 2023
This book has solid advice for those who keep finding the wrong person and finally finding the right one . It worked for me faced myself !
May 27, 2010
This book may well have saved my life. At least, that is the hope. :) Although I may be indicting myself, I can't say enough about how much sense this makes of my romantic life! If you've ever had a confusing or disastrous relationship, this book may some provide insight for you too.
May 9, 2015
This book is too long and repetitive. It's better to be edited and reduced to 1/3.After reading "Men who can't love", I can't wait to read this one and the other books by the authors. However the book "He's scared, she's scared" is a bit disappointing- too repetitive that I doubted if I want to read the rest of books or not.
Despite the problem above, it is a good book, like a wake-up call. Although this is not written by professionals, it indeed brings up some serious matter of fact- like your dating pattern. You might scared before reading this book, but you will be terrified after reading it. Conflicts from different parts of your life may connected and share the same source.
I love the stories shared in the books, which help the authors to make clear of their points and it's a relief knowing that someone else has the same problem and we are not alone.To be self-protective is the best advice from this book.
Despite the problem above, it is a good book, like a wake-up call. Although this is not written by professionals, it indeed brings up some serious matter of fact- like your dating pattern. You might scared before reading this book, but you will be terrified after reading it. Conflicts from different parts of your life may connected and share the same source.
I love the stories shared in the books, which help the authors to make clear of their points and it's a relief knowing that someone else has the same problem and we are not alone.To be self-protective is the best advice from this book.
November 10, 2017
Part of me appreciates the premise (active commitment resisters run; passive commitment resisters pick people who run), but part of me rejects the idea that a resistance to commitment is always pathological, which seems to be the message here. I found the last section helpful but the rest of the book seemed redundant
October 11, 2012
game changer. eye-opening. useful in helping to identify patterns and the way fear affects your relationships, both personally and professionally. do the exercises!
December 22, 2023
A great book to read after a devastating break-up. This book was very helpful in my recovery process.
November 18, 2012
This book quite literally saved my life and my sanity. It was as if the authors had observed my last relationship, went back in time, and wrote this book.
I couldn't understand what had happened. One day, everything was perfect and euphoric and happy, and overnight he changed. He punished me with rape. He devalued and discarded me. I was left reeling for months.
Although I still don't understand what happened. I understand this much: it was nothing I did. The man is at least a commitmentphobe and at the most a psychopathic narcissist, which these author's also write about in other books.
Read this book now. Please. Before you come into contact with a commitmentphobe and/or narcissist. Learn the warning signs before your life is demolished.
http://omgrey.wordpress.com/2012/04/0...
I couldn't understand what had happened. One day, everything was perfect and euphoric and happy, and overnight he changed. He punished me with rape. He devalued and discarded me. I was left reeling for months.
Although I still don't understand what happened. I understand this much: it was nothing I did. The man is at least a commitmentphobe and at the most a psychopathic narcissist, which these author's also write about in other books.
Read this book now. Please. Before you come into contact with a commitmentphobe and/or narcissist. Learn the warning signs before your life is demolished.
http://omgrey.wordpress.com/2012/04/0...
September 27, 2021
My now-husband and I bought this book and read it together. It's not made to be a book to read with your partner, but it should be. When we started this book, he had commitment issues, and he was the one fearful. Reading this book was yet another moment in my life where I was being checked. I thought this would help him see his issues, and it did. What it also did was help me understand myself and my commitment issues. At times I had to put the book down and just cry because there were so many unexpected realizations about myself brought to my attention. I thought I knew myself and this book helped me go deeper into that understanding.
July 19, 2011
Soooo this book kind of changed my life. For realsies. I feel like this is a book everyone who's ever dated should read... so basically that's everyone, right?
It calls out repetitive destructive behaviors and points in the direction of change, if you are willing to accept the challenge. While this is definitely a relationship book, it also confronts the issues of career, family and many other facets of life that require commitment. If you're feeling stuck or unsure of which direction to go, give this one a read.
It calls out repetitive destructive behaviors and points in the direction of change, if you are willing to accept the challenge. While this is definitely a relationship book, it also confronts the issues of career, family and many other facets of life that require commitment. If you're feeling stuck or unsure of which direction to go, give this one a read.
August 14, 2015
Eye Opening!
Interesting perspective. The first 25% of the book covers case studies that you will probably be able to identify with behaviors regarding someone else and yourself (you may be surprised that yes you too!). I was starting to get tired of case studies when the book transitioned into defining behavior types and offering ideas on how to overcome these issues holding people back from having a fruitful relationship. I'm glad I read this book, and will recommend it to others.
Interesting perspective. The first 25% of the book covers case studies that you will probably be able to identify with behaviors regarding someone else and yourself (you may be surprised that yes you too!). I was starting to get tired of case studies when the book transitioned into defining behavior types and offering ideas on how to overcome these issues holding people back from having a fruitful relationship. I'm glad I read this book, and will recommend it to others.
December 22, 2015
A little repetitive but I found great nuggets of information. The dynamic of the Passive Avoider (my exs) and Aggressive Avoider (myself). Realized what my commitment issues were which I hadn't been able to label.
June 13, 2010
OMG, I'm commitmentphobic.
October 19, 2011
This book saved my life. I saw myself and my ex boyfriend in it and now I can have closure. Anyone who is dating should read this.
July 22, 2013
This book is so on point! It made a world of difference in the way I view relationships of this kind. It really teaches you a lot on how to spot and deal with these relationships/ people.
April 12, 2018
The book explores the different scenarios of self-defeating behaviour when it comes to commitment and relationships. Generally it achieves the goals well, but not excellent. There are two drawbacks: first, it is a bit dated. I'm pretty sure that by now the theory has advanced to a more insightful levels. You should search for a more recent material on this topic before buying this book. Second, it is a bit too long. While I can understand that these things require repetition and lengthy discussion to be better absorbed by the reader, I also believe that more focus on examples and case studies would serve that purpose better. Basically, it will get boring at times.
I can recommend this book in the situation if you searched and didn't find anything recent that captivates your attention. This is a good book if you lack some great alternatives.
I can recommend this book in the situation if you searched and didn't find anything recent that captivates your attention. This is a good book if you lack some great alternatives.
March 18, 2019
Over a month I've really enjoyed this masterpiece art. With the raising of voices, posts and gossips about fear of commitment, one has to look for a reliable source to understand the most aspects of such a topic. What makes relationships of strong sense of love and devotion end in a tragic, dramatic and devastating ways? What happens when the ecstasy of romantic feelings goes away and life starts to crack down on them?
Authors took some good efforts to explain the problem, illustrate the hidden aspects and answering the most important question "how can one manage such a problem?".
Going through more than 350 pages, it was a really fruitful experience. Unfortunately there isn't an Arabic-translated copy.
This book is strongly recommended especially for those who think they are suffering such an issue.
Authors took some good efforts to explain the problem, illustrate the hidden aspects and answering the most important question "how can one manage such a problem?".
Going through more than 350 pages, it was a really fruitful experience. Unfortunately there isn't an Arabic-translated copy.
This book is strongly recommended especially for those who think they are suffering such an issue.
January 1, 2021
Really started to drag. I love the deep honesty about commitment but felt it spent several chapters consistently defining the same terms. Honestly had to put it down many times.
Flipped to the end— so I could hear practical themes for future clients & my own living
Great quote though: “without examining our conflicts, we are allowing our conflicts and our fears have more power than they should be allowed”
Flipped to the end— so I could hear practical themes for future clients & my own living
Great quote though: “without examining our conflicts, we are allowing our conflicts and our fears have more power than they should be allowed”
November 17, 2021
I really wanted to give this one five stars but because of its outdated view on women and heteronormativity I couldn’t. That being said there were a lot of things in this book that were very enlightening to me. I think this is a really good read for anyone who struggles with commitment. I think all of us struggle with commitment in subtle ways that we might not realize and this book really brings a light to that. Worthy read for self development.
February 23, 2022
This book truly changed my life. It took me over half a year to finish because (1) wow, call-outs sting and (2) this is the kind of book you’ll really want to sit with and think about or talk about in therapy. A little cheesy at times and outdated/super hetero and cis-normative, but worth the read (especially if you’re someone who happens to find themselves always in relationships with people who have avoidant or disorganized attachment styles)
July 24, 2025
I haven’t yet finished the whole book but I’m blown away by it! Having just ended a relationship with someone who has commitment issues my therapist recommended this book. But I see clearly that I too have commitment issues as well! I know that’s a cliche relationship problem these days. But, this book is such an enormous eye opener for me and anyone looking to better understand themselves and the partners they choose and lose.
July 29, 2022
Chapters 9 til the end are helpful. Lots of uncomfortable truths. However up to that point it’s hard to get through with example after example. The authors state this is necessary but the organization could have been better. I almost didn’t finish but I’m giving it 4 stars because of the last portion of the book.
November 10, 2018
So this book suggests that maybe I need to take a hard look at myself and realize that I fear commitment. Yes, I knew this. That's why I bought the book. I was hoping for some suggestions on what I might actually DO about that. Maybe there's a sequel :)
July 6, 2020
While it was published in 1993, this book still holds great insights and puts to words what I've been struggling to understand for years. While it didn't explain all of the issues I've had in past relationships, it certainly was able to shed some light and helped me learn something about myself.
October 6, 2018
This book leaves you with a good understanding on commitment phobia and is easily read even if you disagree with the authors on the virtues of monogamy vs polyamory.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 58 reviews