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What Would Susie Say?: Bullsh*t Wisdom About Love, Life and Comedy
IN WHAT WOULD SUSIE SAY? , Susie Essman sheds the crasser layers to reveal how she went from an anxiety-ridden, struggling stand-up comic to being one of the funniest women on television, playing Susie Greene on HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm. Emerging as one of the most successful performers in her field, Essman goes behind the scenes of a life in comedy with her funny cohorts, including Joy Behar, Rodney Dangerfield, and, of course, Jeff Garlin and Larry David, while also providing sidesplittingly funny wisdom on a range of topics that she's highly unqualified to expound upon, including men, sports, hypochondria, and stepparenthood. WHAT WOULD SUSIE SAY ABOUT... MARRIAGE? "It took me a long time to find the man I was willing to commit myself to. Even the word commit is troublesome. One is committed to a mental institution." MEN WITH DOGS? "As a dog lover, I've researched many different breeds and I've begun to realize that you can tell a lot about a person by what breed of dog they choose to associate with. A bit self-conscious about your cellulite? A guy with a shar-pei is for you. They're hard to find, but cheaper than lipo." THE BEAUTY OF MENOPAUSE? "I guess I just have to accept the fact that I'm going to end up a bald, fat, sweaty, irritable woman with a dry vagina and a full beard who never sleeps and has memory loss so I won't even be able to remember how hot I used to look!" STEPPARENTHOOD? "My mother used to tell me 'you can't buy your kids' love.' Bullshit. You can, and it's exponential. They're like Russian mail-order brides -- the more you spend, the more they love you." WHAT WOULD SUSIE SAY? is Essman's irreverent, refreshingly candid, and hilarious retort to the dubious facts of life that we all face.
256 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2009
13 people are currently reading
140 people want to read
About the author
Susie Essman
8 books6 followersSusan "Susie" Essman is an American stand-up comedienne and comic actress in television and films. She is best known for her role as Susie Greene, the verbally abusive wife of Larry David's manager on the HBO show Curb Your Enthusiasm.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 43 reviews
January 2, 2010
Until now, I've never read a celebrity book. Mostly because there are so many other books I'd rather read and I really don't give a shit about celebrities political opinions or personal lives. So why did I read this celebrity book?
Believe it or not, Susie Essman is actually our neighbor. My wife loves that a celebrity lives on our street and I tease her saying that she stalks Susie. So I guess I read this book for a few reasons:
1. Susie Essman is a hilarious, seasoned comic and actress (she's in her seventh season on Larry David's Curb Your Enthusiasm on HBO). I've seen her stand up routine on Comedy Central and on the occasional Celebrity Roast... she's a riot.
2. Like I said, Susie's our neighbor so her take on parenthood and living in the suburbs hits close to home (literally), and if I bump into her, I want to be able to say, "Hey Susie... I read your book... it was great!" (and say it with honesty).
3. My wife met Susie at a local book signing, bought the book, got her autograph and photo taken with her and also read the book.
I have to admit that there were several moments that I literally laughed out loud while reading this book. Like all good comedians, Susie instinctively knows what's funny... the book is a culmination of her comedic life experiences, observations and pearls of widsom.
To me, the best part of the book was learning more about the behind-the-scenes action of HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm.
All in all, I have to say, "SUSIE... BIG FAN!"
Believe it or not, Susie Essman is actually our neighbor. My wife loves that a celebrity lives on our street and I tease her saying that she stalks Susie. So I guess I read this book for a few reasons:
1. Susie Essman is a hilarious, seasoned comic and actress (she's in her seventh season on Larry David's Curb Your Enthusiasm on HBO). I've seen her stand up routine on Comedy Central and on the occasional Celebrity Roast... she's a riot.
2. Like I said, Susie's our neighbor so her take on parenthood and living in the suburbs hits close to home (literally), and if I bump into her, I want to be able to say, "Hey Susie... I read your book... it was great!" (and say it with honesty).
3. My wife met Susie at a local book signing, bought the book, got her autograph and photo taken with her and also read the book.
I have to admit that there were several moments that I literally laughed out loud while reading this book. Like all good comedians, Susie instinctively knows what's funny... the book is a culmination of her comedic life experiences, observations and pearls of widsom.
To me, the best part of the book was learning more about the behind-the-scenes action of HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm.
All in all, I have to say, "SUSIE... BIG FAN!"
March 23, 2012
Got this from Border's Closing Sale if I'm not mistaken. I don't watch Curb, so I wasn't previously familiar with Susie, but I judged the book by it's cover and it looked good for $1.75, so it came home with me (thankfully I don't use the same method when choosing hookers). It reads like a collection of short stories rather than a thought out memoir, but it has it's funny points, since she is a comedian. This worked out for me since I was reading it in between all 3 Hunger Games books, so I was able to pick it up at different points and not feel out of place. Good while reading it, but not super memorable. You'd probably enjoy it more if you were a fan of her previously or watch Curb Your Enthusiasm. Give it a try if you are, but if you're not read something else first.
August 30, 2010
not as funny as I'd hoped it would be...
July 28, 2020
A delightful look
I’m admittedly only a recent first-time viewer of ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’ and while I love Susie the character, I wanted to know more about her life and career in comedy. Her autobiography doesn’t disappoint on those ends. I’ve been a fan of Ms. Essman since I saw her doing HBO specials in the 90s, then later the Comedy Central Friars Roasts. Essman does a seamless job writing in her book many of the things she has been through. That in turn gave this reader a better perspective having faced some of the same dilemmas as she describes. Her book is humorous; better than that, it’s real.
I’m admittedly only a recent first-time viewer of ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’ and while I love Susie the character, I wanted to know more about her life and career in comedy. Her autobiography doesn’t disappoint on those ends. I’ve been a fan of Ms. Essman since I saw her doing HBO specials in the 90s, then later the Comedy Central Friars Roasts. Essman does a seamless job writing in her book many of the things she has been through. That in turn gave this reader a better perspective having faced some of the same dilemmas as she describes. Her book is humorous; better than that, it’s real.
October 24, 2017
Susie had some funny one-liners in here. I liked that she was a 1st-time bride at 53 :)! Also, how interesting that her dad made the US Olympic team for fencing. I love that Larry David cracks up uncontrollably every time Susie Green screams & curses at him on set.
Her immigrant grandmother had a very hard life & Susie described her as having "survivial-mode humor;" that really resonated with me & I think that really applies to life in general.
She identified types of men byt he dogs they have: Terrier owners are premature ejaculators. LOL
Her immigrant grandmother had a very hard life & Susie described her as having "survivial-mode humor;" that really resonated with me & I think that really applies to life in general.
She identified types of men byt he dogs they have: Terrier owners are premature ejaculators. LOL
March 19, 2025
I found this book on my shelf and had no idea who Susie Essman was. When I started the book, her humor felt out of date, but that's because the book is about 15 years old and comdey has changed. Funny thing is like when you buy a certain car or your family is expecting, everywhere you look you see people driving our car or pregnant women left and right. What I thought was most compelling is her talk about Curb Your Enthusiasm which I've never seen. Now, I can't wait to watch it.
December 7, 2017
3.5 stars.
March 6, 2010
2-18-10
Page 100
Pretty funny S***s! It reads well, like having Susie YELLING obscenities in your ear while you're trying to find the .....spot! Need I say more?
She's hilarious on "Curb Your Enthusiasm" and she's almost as good in bed!
3-6-10
What would Susie Say? BS Wisdom About Love, Life and Comedy, by Susie Essman
I had to pick up something much lighter and more truthful after trying to feel for Pelzer pact of lies, A Boy Called ‘It’!
Essman’s advice and recollections of coming up through the business was far more what I needed to be focusing my time upon. It’s like she writes, in her letter to her four children: “Gravitate toward people who like themselves. They won’t suck the life out of you. They need less from you and therefore can see you more clearly. Surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself, and I don’t mean ass kissers or sycophants. I mean people you are your best self with. People who like themselves are less self-involved and therefore have more to offer,” (175). I particularly like when she continues by saying trust your gut feelings when someone make you feel “icky”. Run as fast as you can AWAY from these types of people. And before I even got 20 pages into Pelzer’s I began to get an icky feeling that the text simply didn’t ring true. I began to go research, learning how that particular author may have withheld documents that may BLOW HIS SPOT up. If you were abused, tell you tales, show the proof, should you have it and move on. What’s there to hide? You’ve written not ONE, but three books on this topic and the accounts, according to those who wasted their time reading all of them—all the accounts change slightly with each fresh new telling? ‘Nuf said about that glory-seeking d****bag!
Now, on the other hand, I can sympathize with Essman, trying to “connect” with her teenage kids when she blunders with, “’Didn’t Fergie used to be in the Black Eyed Chili Peppers?’ Loooooong pause and then the ultimate sign I did something horribly wrong—eye rolling, eye rolling, eye rolling….I was the queen of the eye rollers. In fact, I was so good at it, you could actually hear me roll my eyes.” OK, so less than half the time to get that above “icky” feeling, we get this comfortable, “I hear you” feeling from Susie. We’re buds, walking through Central Station, standing on the platform waiting for the dreaded 4 Train. Well, not quite that friendly, but she rings TRUTH. And, I lmao, for those of you tweens still reading. Lol :O
Page 8—living the uncommonly happy and carefree maxi-pad commercial life.
13—“I did some research on the teenage brain and learned that the cerebral frontal cortex (cfc) is not fully formed until the age of twenty-five.” This comes as no surprise to any teacher or social worker or anyone else in the human sciences. However, her take on this is standard Essman, and I won’t blow the punchlines here, go out and get into her head as she’s done mine! Likewise, her eight questions for trying to protect and warn her teenage daughter about the dangers and joys of sexual desire while they are extremely (cfc) deficient a few pages also shows how worried a mother, guardian or teacher truly gets for their kids.
Other pages I’ll update later are 22, 31, 73, “my mother’s been dying since 1963.” 83-6, and “dry vaginas”, 94-5 another “teaching moment” concerning her grandmother’s motivations for learning not always modeled by all parents or adults in one’s life. Page 98 and her love of walking the streets of NYC. I love her observations, as the majority of her insights about PAYING ATTENTION—page 129 and 110 completely different hilarious “geysers” of massive proportions.
You will laugh, you will learn and you’ll want to hear more from this veteran of the Comedic Stage and hopefully she’ll be performing somewhere downtown soon.
Page 100
Pretty funny S***s! It reads well, like having Susie YELLING obscenities in your ear while you're trying to find the .....spot! Need I say more?
She's hilarious on "Curb Your Enthusiasm" and she's almost as good in bed!
3-6-10
What would Susie Say? BS Wisdom About Love, Life and Comedy, by Susie Essman
I had to pick up something much lighter and more truthful after trying to feel for Pelzer pact of lies, A Boy Called ‘It’!
Essman’s advice and recollections of coming up through the business was far more what I needed to be focusing my time upon. It’s like she writes, in her letter to her four children: “Gravitate toward people who like themselves. They won’t suck the life out of you. They need less from you and therefore can see you more clearly. Surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself, and I don’t mean ass kissers or sycophants. I mean people you are your best self with. People who like themselves are less self-involved and therefore have more to offer,” (175). I particularly like when she continues by saying trust your gut feelings when someone make you feel “icky”. Run as fast as you can AWAY from these types of people. And before I even got 20 pages into Pelzer’s I began to get an icky feeling that the text simply didn’t ring true. I began to go research, learning how that particular author may have withheld documents that may BLOW HIS SPOT up. If you were abused, tell you tales, show the proof, should you have it and move on. What’s there to hide? You’ve written not ONE, but three books on this topic and the accounts, according to those who wasted their time reading all of them—all the accounts change slightly with each fresh new telling? ‘Nuf said about that glory-seeking d****bag!
Now, on the other hand, I can sympathize with Essman, trying to “connect” with her teenage kids when she blunders with, “’Didn’t Fergie used to be in the Black Eyed Chili Peppers?’ Loooooong pause and then the ultimate sign I did something horribly wrong—eye rolling, eye rolling, eye rolling….I was the queen of the eye rollers. In fact, I was so good at it, you could actually hear me roll my eyes.” OK, so less than half the time to get that above “icky” feeling, we get this comfortable, “I hear you” feeling from Susie. We’re buds, walking through Central Station, standing on the platform waiting for the dreaded 4 Train. Well, not quite that friendly, but she rings TRUTH. And, I lmao, for those of you tweens still reading. Lol :O
Page 8—living the uncommonly happy and carefree maxi-pad commercial life.
13—“I did some research on the teenage brain and learned that the cerebral frontal cortex (cfc) is not fully formed until the age of twenty-five.” This comes as no surprise to any teacher or social worker or anyone else in the human sciences. However, her take on this is standard Essman, and I won’t blow the punchlines here, go out and get into her head as she’s done mine! Likewise, her eight questions for trying to protect and warn her teenage daughter about the dangers and joys of sexual desire while they are extremely (cfc) deficient a few pages also shows how worried a mother, guardian or teacher truly gets for their kids.
Other pages I’ll update later are 22, 31, 73, “my mother’s been dying since 1963.” 83-6, and “dry vaginas”, 94-5 another “teaching moment” concerning her grandmother’s motivations for learning not always modeled by all parents or adults in one’s life. Page 98 and her love of walking the streets of NYC. I love her observations, as the majority of her insights about PAYING ATTENTION—page 129 and 110 completely different hilarious “geysers” of massive proportions.
You will laugh, you will learn and you’ll want to hear more from this veteran of the Comedic Stage and hopefully she’ll be performing somewhere downtown soon.
March 1, 2015
This book isn't what I thought it would be, which means it is only good and not great.
I had high, high hopes for a book by Susie Essman because Susie Essman is hilarious on Curb Your Enthusiasm. (I crack up every time she calls her TV husband a "fat fuck!")
Maybe Essman is one of those people who are funnier in person than they are in writing.
I thought this book was an enjoyable read, but I was hoping for really, really funny, and it was only humorous.
That said, there was a lot I liked in this book. I liked the parts where Essman shared candidly about being sunk in the depths of depression. I liked it when she explained the patriarchal roots of common wedding traditions. I liked it when she questioned why anyone would want to be (or pretend be) a virgin when she got married. I appreciated her honesty at every turn.
I did enjoy this book and would recommend it to fans of Essman and to anyone who wants a perspective on stand-up comedy
I had high, high hopes for a book by Susie Essman because Susie Essman is hilarious on Curb Your Enthusiasm. (I crack up every time she calls her TV husband a "fat fuck!")
Maybe Essman is one of those people who are funnier in person than they are in writing.
I thought this book was an enjoyable read, but I was hoping for really, really funny, and it was only humorous.
That said, there was a lot I liked in this book. I liked the parts where Essman shared candidly about being sunk in the depths of depression. I liked it when she explained the patriarchal roots of common wedding traditions. I liked it when she questioned why anyone would want to be (or pretend be) a virgin when she got married. I appreciated her honesty at every turn.
I did enjoy this book and would recommend it to fans of Essman and to anyone who wants a perspective on stand-up comedy
October 27, 2009
Susie Essman is a character actress and an improvisational comedian. These two things do not make for a decent book. Considering Curb Your Enthusiasm is notorious because it has an outline of a story but not a script, she does well there.
This book is really random tidbits about her thoughts that quite frankly are rarely very funny. And she does not have significant enough thoughts to make it worth your time in my opinion. Read someone like Chelsea Handler who has more talent and can truly write, deliver and improv jokes.
This book is really random tidbits about her thoughts that quite frankly are rarely very funny. And she does not have significant enough thoughts to make it worth your time in my opinion. Read someone like Chelsea Handler who has more talent and can truly write, deliver and improv jokes.
July 22, 2010
I picked this up at the library and rolled my eyes, because I anticipated something on an obnoxious Kathy Griffin-scale. But I flipped it over and read a testimonial from Larry David saying that reading this book was the next best thing to having her tell you to fuck off in person. Nice! I was sold.
I am SO glad I read this book. Susie Essman is hilarious, insightful, practical, and brilliant. I want to be her best friend.
I am SO glad I read this book. Susie Essman is hilarious, insightful, practical, and brilliant. I want to be her best friend.
June 16, 2011
Impulse grab at the library. Susie does not offer a lot of new wisdom here, and some of the topics felt a bit worn out. It was interesting to learn about her life, though, and the process she went through to become a comic. She does not get to Curb Your Enthusiasm until the last couple of chapters, and the mere mention of Larry David made me chuckle, reminding me again why I picked this book up in the first place.
August 7, 2011
I listened to the audio book (as I usually always try to do when comedians write books - it's always so great to hear the words in their own voice). I really enjoyed it. Susie's funny, clever, and her "takes" on love, life, and performing are actually dead on.
I'd have given this 5 stars, but I knocked half off only because it was a little repetitive and at times the audio was a bit too "read-y," which was a little disappointing. 4 1/2 stars
I'd have given this 5 stars, but I knocked half off only because it was a little repetitive and at times the audio was a bit too "read-y," which was a little disappointing. 4 1/2 stars
October 9, 2012
Susie Essman rocks. You probably know her best as the fabulous Susie Greene on Curb Your Enthusiasm, but before that she was a hard working NYC comic. A female comic in NYC, did you get that? This woman has strength and dignity. The book is not a laugh riot, but you learn what it took for Ms. Essman to make it, and how she got the big break that has made her Curb character famous. For the Curb fans, there are some juicy stories here.
A fast fun read.
A fast fun read.
December 30, 2009
I am SUCH a fan of Curb Your Enthusiasm and of the Susie Greene character. It was so much fun listening to this book, which was read by Susie herself. I had no idea that she had been in the business so long and it was fun to hear about her life before the show. However, my favorite part was the stuff she had to say about the show and her current life.
July 25, 2011
Who doesn't love Susie Greene (sp?) on Curb Your Enthusiasm? This book is more about lessons learned than dropping F-bombs. It's another interesting look at how stand-up comedy works and coming up through the ranks. I also appreciated her candor about finding love later in life and her chapters of advice to her stepkids are funny and touching.
January 2, 2012
the last couple chapters were the best.. I loved when she was talking about Curb and Larry David and how that show operates. after all, that is why we love her! the rest of the book was interesting but certainly not riveting and it could've probably been done jb half the space. I picked it up cheap at Borders when it was going out if business so I was satisfied with what I got.
November 7, 2009
I love Susie Essman's stand-up comedy, but the written version doesn't stand up. I feel like I've been disappointed by most of the comedy writing I've been reading lately. Goes to show how difficult writing comedy can be.
December 7, 2009
If you like Susie Essman on Curb Your Enthusiasm you'll really like this book. When I watched the last remaining episodes of CYE after reading this book I had a new appreciation for Susie. She's great.
February 23, 2010
Some of it was funny. Some of the biographical stuff about being a comic was boring, but that was because I was reading it for the more funny chapters. I wasn't that interested in her life. But, not a bad read.
November 24, 2013
It was really boring. I couldn't finish it. It's a shame because I think she was hysterical on Curb so I expected the book to be funny. It just wasn't. Now I know why I got it on the bargain table at B&N.
March 28, 2011
I barely got through the first couple of sections...I know this is her perspective but as soon as she got to commenting on lesbians...I just couldn't get through the generalizations. I think I'll just stick with watching her in Curb Your Enthusiasm.
October 31, 2009
That good sex is more important to women than it is to men.
May 9, 2012
I kinda want to be her best friend. So funny.
November 5, 2009
For some reason , I expected more...But it was an interesting look into a talented person.
Always do enjoy extending my reading into other genres.
Always do enjoy extending my reading into other genres.
November 21, 2009
Thought this would be really funny since it's written by a comedian but it was way too self-help for me.
January 9, 2010
Not for guys, but the part about how she go into comedy was pretty interesting
March 5, 2010
My SIL lent me this book. I'm just on the second chapter, but it is hilarious.
January 21, 2010
Who susie essman is.. I don't get HBO. She made me laugh.
March 1, 2010
Very funny stories and "bullshit wisdom" from one of my favorite TV actors.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 43 reviews