Love Is a Decision: Thirteen Proven Principles to Energize Your Marriage and Family

by Gary Smalley

A plan to achieve intimacy and lasting love shows readers how to energize their mates in sixty seconds; respond to anger, fear, frustration, and discouragement; overcome destructive anger; relate non-verbally; and nurture a relationship. Reprint.

Genres: Marriage, Nonfiction, Relationships, Christian, Family, Religion, Psychology

256 pages, Paperback

First published November 30, 1988

About the author

Gary Smalley was one of the country's best-known authors and speakers on family relationships. He was the award-winning, best-selling author or coauthor of sixteen books, as well as several popular films and videos. The Blessing and The Two Sides of Love have won Gold Medallions, The Language of Love won the Angel Award as the best contribution to family life, and his other titles have received Silver Medallions. His national infomercial Hidden Keys to Loving Relationships has been viewed by television audiences all over the world.

Dr. Greg Smalley graduated with his doctorate degree in clinical psychology from Rosemead School of Psychology at Biola University in Southern California. He also holds master's degrees in counseling psychology (Denver Seminary) and clinical psychology (Rosemead). Dr. Smalley is the director of research and development at Smalley Relationship Center in Branson, Missouri. He lives in Ozark, Missouri with his wife, Erin, and their two daughters, Taylor and Madalyn.

Reviews

[Jo Ben Whittenburg · Rating 5 out of 5]

this is one of the best books I have read. I have reread it many times and try to read portions of it regularly.

[FRANCISCO · Rating 5 out of 5]

Francisco Villada

Es un libro que me recomendo un amigo gracias
Es un libro impresionante,lo recomiendo para todo aquel que este pasando por momentos dificiles.

[Carolyn Vandine West · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book. Read many years ago, way before I heard of Goodreads. Read this book, it can save your marriage or recommend to someone else who might be thinking of divorce.

[Sam · Rating 4 out of 5]

”The most effective way to open the door to the needed changes in a relationship is to honor a loved one. And once we’ve made that decision to honor, love is the action we take no matter how we feel.
Genuine love is honor put into action, regardless of the cost.”

This is the general premise of this book.

“Are you still hesitating at knocking down old walls of anger and putting in a doorway of tenderness to your home—a door that opens to energizing words, gentle touching, and courageous forgiving? Then start this way.”

Now, this is a no-holds-barred Christian self-help book (which, stupidly, I did not realize before reading, because I actually didn’t read the sample on this one).

It’s bible-based advice from a pastor—as such, you should have certain expectations about the traditionalism found between these pages. The husbands are all lecturers, and the book presents this as a given—of course the husband wants to lecture his lil ol’ wife about how to be better! He’s the man of the house, lecturing is part of his natural role (I can honestly say I cannot come up with one example of my fiancé ever lecturing me about a single thing, ever—because he’s not my father, and that’s not his job). The wives are the ones who make the sacrifices and submit to their husbands. If the Candace Cameron submissive wife comments ignite your temper, this is probably not the book for you.

That being said, there’s certainly some good advice to be had in here. I filtered out the unnecessary stuff and skimmed through the scripture—I’ve already read the bible, thank you very much. To a degree I did feel like this book had some good things to say, but it was unnecessarily stretched out to make a longer book, or maybe to explain things to people who weren’t fast learners? Not sure, but either way it could have been shorter and imparted the same amount of wisdom. There were lots of personal stories given as examples that could’ve been more succinct (I got a little bored reading them). It was absolutely preachy, but if you’re not religious and you’re thinking about reading this one, you can still get something out of it—you’ll just have to mentally filter it while you read.

I mean, the overall premise is mostly common sense anyway—respect your partner. Treat them with love and tenderness. Honor them. Cherish them. If your spouse falls behind, have the patience to let them catch up. Make some temporary sacrifices if that’s what you need to do to get your relationship back on the right track—within reason, of course. It’s not advising you to be a doormat, merely to cede your power in certain situations temporarily in order to regain harmony in your relationship—which takes strength, to be honest. Just a much different, much gentler kind. The kind women are portrayed to have traditionally across the ages. It’s much easier to just give up and get out, but if that’s not the best option for you, this book is helpful in getting you in touch with your gentler side.

Other unexpectedly obvious things, like how unresolved anger can destroy a family/poison a relationship—and more or less how to come back from it.

The last chapter is also totally unnecessary. It's a call to Christianity and has nothing to do with marriage/the rest of the book.

So, yeah. It’s a very traditional, Christian-based self-help book, but you don’t have to have a husband who treats you like an errant child to get something out of it.

3.5 stars

[Gina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Love is a verb, not an emotion. True love comes from what you do. When the typical "honeymoon" period is over, that does NOT signify the end of a relationship, but rather the beginning.

Six elements to staying in love, included in Love Is a Decision, are:
Making your spouse feel truly honored
Learning the art of touching tenderly
Keeping courtship alive in your marriage
Re-opening a heart closed by anger
Building, or rebuilding, trust in a relationship
Becoming best friends with your family

What does love mean to you? What does love REALLY mean to you? Through the centuries love has been defined in many different ways. Love is beginning to look a lot like happiness. Many people believe the following, “If I am happy, then I am loving.” Love has become the result of how we feel and whether or not we are experiencing joy and happiness.

So if I am in a relationship where I feel good and am being treated well, then I love. This kind of thinking is beginning to seriously undermine the health of all relationships (not just marriages but parents to children and children to parents and so forth). In essence, love follows good feelings.

We need a lot more decisions and a lot less feelings.
In order for a relationship to be successful, you need to be committed to it 100 percent.
“Why would anyone want to stay in a marriage when they are not happy?

story of one wife...

She made a vow to both her husband and God the day she chose to get married. That vow means something to the wife, even when things are not going well. Does love mean never quitting? Yes it does. There are no excuses for love. We can not get to a place where we can justify not loving our spouse or child because of sinful behavior. The Bible never gives us an out on quitting love. Christ did not quit on us and Christ does not want us to give up on others.

It is not by works, but by faith that we can come in to a personal and real relationship with Christ. When James wrote that it is not by faith but by works, he was challenging that if you believe in Christ, then you need to prove that belief. You can not simply say that you believe, but then go on with life and live with bitterness, hatred, or unforgiveness. When we believe in Christ, then our attitude and behavior changes, because Christ is the great healer and changer of lives. Our works prove our faith.

You can take this same concept and apply it to marriage. Once I say, “I do”, then my actions need to prove my love . I can not assume that he feels love, I need to go out there and prove it every day of my life, especially when things are hard. What if your spouse is making poor financial decisions, watching porn, or simply not being kind to you? What now? Do we have the excuse to quit because we are not experiencing the kind of love we had expected when we chose to get married? The danger in society today is that too many people quit because things are simply not going well for them.

No matter how tough the situation gets ( I’m not talking to those in physcially or emotionally abusive relationships), you have to do the right thing, and the right thing is to always be patient, kind, merciful, gracious, forgiving, and unyeilding in your commitment to others.

[Gina Collins · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great book for any stage of a relationship but I think anyone starting out needs to read this before marriage. It could prevent a lot of divorce in today's day & age. Love is the commitment one makes to another, not just the feeling, because feelings can change.

[Beverly Dowdell · Rating 5 out of 5]

The value of trust in a relationship ... Willing to be honest about personal weaknesses when they occur, admit your failings and turn it into a point of strength and support for each other were valued lessons.

[Stephanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good book with faith-based guidance on love and marriage. I plan on reading more of their books on family and marriage.
Main take-aways were:
Honor
Tenderness
Deep-seated Security
Meaningful Conversation
Emotional/romantic Times
Positive Physical Touching
Courtship
Close-knit family

[Matt · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've read a lot of marriage books this year, and eventually a lot of them start to all sound the same. This book was different. There was something about this book that really held my interest. It was a very well-rounded book on loving others well.

[Stephanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

A solid, scripture-based handbook on how to love your spouse that's applicable to any married couple, no matter the age or stage of your marriage. I especially appreciated Mr. Smalley's willingness to be transparent about his own struggles - both personal and marital. All in all a worthy read.

[Lexi Farmer · Rating 5 out of 5]

This changed my view on love and relationships. I am excited to see where these principles take us in our relationship moving forward. Knowing that someone must make the choice to love through hard times is exactly the type of thing that I need to hear when I am in the thick of emotions. Facts.

[Bridget]

Have this book

[Marc · Rating 3 out of 5]

Gary Smalley uses powerful and emotive stories to back up his statements. I would recommend any and all of books for understanding Godly approaches to relationships, romantic and otherwise.

[Jenny Dendinger · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an awesome book! A must read guide to a healthy marriage!

[Ekow]

God's love surpasses any kind of love on earth. Love God before you could love any other person better

[Apryl Anderson]

(17.04.1994), Though provoking. Real perspective. Watch out for your expectations!

[Jim Eshelman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very much corrects many misconceptions about how a relationship works properly.

[Hilary · Rating 5 out of 5]

With reminders, strategies and some eye-opening admissions from Gary Smalley, this is another book I'd consider essential reading to help build and maintain your marriage.

[Ros B · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've read heaps of books on marriage - this one is the best! Simple as that.

[Frans Kempe · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very good book about relationship between the husband and wife. Many good examples and stories to help you. I got some good gems from this book.

[Sam B · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lots of great stuff in here. In some chapters it feels like he really gets hung up on examples/illustrations/etc. and takes too long to get to his point, but overall solid

[Chainsaw · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book proves excellent reading for anyone contemplating or already in a relationship, particularly in conjunction with Gary Chapmans "The 5 Love Languages". Highly recommended!

[Jeff Noble]

Love is a decision: Ten proven principles to energize your marriage and family by Gary Smalley (?)

[Kristen · Rating 2 out of 5]

It was a little boring for me.

[Jenny]

I didn't actually finish so I won't rate it.