Grundish and Askew

by Lance Carbuncle

Strap on your athletic cup and grab a barf bag. The Dr. Reverend Lance Carbuncle is going to kick you square in the balls and send you on a wild ride that may or may not answer the following what happens when two white trash, trailer park-dwelling, platonic life partners go on a moronic and misdirected crime spree?; can their manly love for each other endure when one of them suffers a psychological bitch-slap that renders him a homicidal maniac?; will a snaggletoothed teenage prostitute tear them apart?; what is the best way to use a dead illegal alien to your advantage in a hostage situation?; what's that smell?; and, what the hell is Alf the Sacred Burro coughing up? Carbuncle's latest offering, Grundish and Askew, ponders these troubling questions and more. So sit down, put on some protective goggles, and get ready for Carbuncle to blast you in the face with a warm load of fictitious sickness. Reader Views 2009 Literary Awards, First Place, Humor Category -"This book could easily be the sleeper of the year..." Reviewer Magazine - "...an imaginative, almost hallucinatory tale of madness, traveling and free spirits doing what they want." The Daily Loaf -"Think of those grungy, maggoty knuckle-dragging villains in Carl Hiaasen and Tim Dorsey novels. Those morons are *%#*ing Osmond family teasippers compared to the crew Carbuncle has created."

Genres: Fiction, Bizarro Fiction, Humor, Horror, Crime, Comedy, Friendship

305 pages, Trade Paperback

First published September 1, 2009

About the author

The Dr. Reverend Lance Carbuncle was born sometime during the last millennium and he’s been getting bigger, older and uglier ever since. Carbuncle is an ordained minister with the Church of Spiritual Humanism. Carbuncle doesn’t eat deviled eggs and he doesn’t drink cheap beer. Carbuncle doesn’t wear sock garters. Carbuncle does tell stories. Carbuncle’s stories are channeled through a pathetic little man who has to work a respectable job during the days in order to feed the infestation of children in his house. Carbuncle's first novel, Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed, his award-winning Grundish and Askew, Sloughing Off the Rot, and his recently released The Unmentionables are sold through Amazon.com and Barnesandnoble.com. More reviews of Carbuncle's books can be found on Amazon and Barnesandnoble.com.

Reviews

[Lance · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good Lord. Sometimes I am just so amazed with myself. Did I write this masterpiece? Could I really be the literary genius who penned such a compelling tale? When I think about it, it makes me want to do some stretches, dab some cologne behind my ears, curl up in a ball, and kiss my special place. Once again I must say, “Excellent job, Carbuncle! Keep up the good work you handsome bastard!”

[Lori · Rating 4 out of 5]

Listened March 2015
4 Stars - Highly Recommended to fans of well written and hilariously raunchy bromance fiction, and huge kudos to Eells for a kickass narration
Length: approx 8 hours
Narrator: Brandon Paul Eells
Publisher: Vicious Galoot Books / Audible
Released: 2014



I have a confession to make. This is not my first dance with Grundish and Askew. I read the book when it was first self published back in 2009 and my fondness for these never-do-well knuckleheads goes back farther than I've been blogging! So when Lance Carbuncle reached out to me a few months ago and asked if I'd give the audio a listen, you sure as shit better believe I said yes, I did.

I had so much fun getting reacquainted with the characters this time around. And Brandon Paul Eells, the audiobook's narrator, did a bang-up job giving voice to the bizarre world in which Carbuncle has placed them.

How I missed our dimwitted duo.

The big ole bear of a man Grundish - always willing to take the heat for his overweight goofball of a BFF Askew, serving time in the big house so he don't have to, getting his rocks off by squatting in homes while the owners are away, leaving a unique and stinky "calling card" of sorts behind as a warning for them to appreciate the things they have.

The chronic word-abuser Askew - who regards Grundish as the brother he never had, frustratingly unable to control his ridiculously inappropriate and awkward impulses, a ticking time bomb of a bastard who just keeps fucking things up for everyone.

This down-on-their-luck two-some can't seem to catch a break, and the longer they stay in one place, the quicker things go from bad to worse for them and everyone around them.

There's the kid that mercilessly teases Grundish as he works his street-corner-standing, arrow-sign-wearing shit-end job, who gets a Reservoir Dogs reception when Askew finally catches up to him. And the unfortunately messy death of the 25 cent tipper.

These guys end up pairing off with Askew's poor ole one-lunged, second-hand-smoke-sniffing, make-a-meal-outta-whatever's-lying-around Great Aunt Turleen as she gets swept up in all the hubbub when her nursing home kicks her out for strangling the staff dog - god, this shit must run in the family. And a knock-kneed, quiet-mouthed hooker joins the group as an accessory to murder when they turn tail to ditch the fuzz, who're finally on their trail and looking to lock the boys up for good.

There's also a prosthetic penis, some skanky gas station bathroom sex that might cause your stomach to wretch, a couple of feet-licking dream dogs, and a dead Mexican who ends up tied to the top of Alf, the sweet and smelly vomit-ball-hacking Sacred Burro.

The writing is wickedly smart and the raunch-factor is cranked up to an all time high as Carbuncle foreshadows the hell out of this buddy story. The Of Mice and Men references are like whoa and only a dolt like Askew wouldn't be able to smell what's coming for these two numbskulls.

Though the writing's on the wall from the very beginning, you can't help but find yourself happily tagging along cause you know it's bound to be one helluva ride - head out the window, wind in your hair, fancy french cigarette stuck between your two front teeth, smiling and gagging the whole way there....

You can grab it on audio now and the join the Author/Reader Discussion this April, when both Lance and Brandon swing by the TNBBC goodreads group to hear what we have to say about the book!

The discussion runs from April 20th through the 26th right here: https://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/...

[David Katzman · Rating 5 out of 5]

I sing the body poop-centric.

What is Grundish & Askew? Well, the human body is quite grundish at times and definitely askew. After all, we all get sick, we all eventually get old and die (unless we’re crushed by a large object before it’s really time for us to go…and such events are, perhaps, uber-grundish). This book purports to be a buddy story, about two downtrodden fools, but I think it’s more of a meditation on all the fucked up shit that makes us physically tick. It’s reminding us that we are animals, human animals, yes, but animals with body parts that go bad, organs that spring leaks, and even minds that can’t be controlled with will-power. In many ways, we are helplessly at the mercy of Mother Nature. Alzheimer’s might be in our genes. Or perhaps a grapefruit-sized tumor is preparing to burst from our neck. Grundish & Askew slaps us around a bit and says, hey motherfucker, you ain’t some kind of flying spaghetti-monster angel, you’re made out of dirt. It’s a reminder well deserved given all the self-help pabulum that people turn to when the going gets tough.

Carbuncle’s bodily theme is communicated through the quite amusing story of two white trash lowlifes committing semi-accidental murder (repeatedly) while on the run from the pigs. Is it well told?...absolutely. Very funny and with sincere, solid characters. It’s a great adventure story. In fact, I felt the story was so well written, that the occasional footnotes that were “from the author,” giving a slight post-modern spin on the book, were unnecessary and detracted from the narrative itself, which rocked like Molly Hatchet. Yes, you need a bit of a stomach to appreciate this, but any reader willing to step out of her ivory tower and get down in the muck will love it. Highly recommended.

[Marvin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Grundish and Askew is Of Mice and Men on steroids and meth. It is Thelma and Louise except with two loser guys and no socially redeeming message. It is Lance Carbuncle's second novel and it continues his pathological love for the bizarre, the scatological and general bad taste made ecstatically entertaining. I'm pretty sure there is not a social taboo left untouched in this madhouse of a story. If he was not so damn good as a writer I would probably be calling the police for a psychological assessment. Of course, since I enjoyed reading this novel as much as he enjoyed writing it, we would undoubtedly share the same padded room. Those who read his first tome, Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed, will instantly recognize his unique style including those incredibly informative footnotes. (Did you know the State of Washington did not make bestiality illegal until 2006? Have you ever pondered about the mating habits of The Great Gray Slug?). Idjit Galoot also makes a cameo which will make SSSSCCS fans giddy. The rest you will have to read for yourself and if you haven't figured out that this book is unfit for the easily offended or squeamish, then you didn't read my review.

I did have a few criticisms but after reading Carbuncle's fantasy regarding critics of his past book, I think I'll keep them to myself and just say, "Go, Lance, Go!"

[Mykle · Rating 4 out of 5]

Forget about stars -- this book is so beyond good and evil, it's beyond stars. Lance Carbuncle has a way with disgusting, and it's in fine form here. But beneath the layers of sweat and grime and pus and drool and spooge and snot and phlegm and bits of coughed-up lung there is a story about fucked up people who love each other, look out for each other, and fuck up each other by trying to take care of each other. Every single cum-stained, diarrhea-seeping, beer-farting moron in this story is a fine upstanding citizen and a compelling model of moral rectitude. Not that it does them any good, but still you have to admire them for it.

Somebody called it "Thelma & Louise with rednecks", but Thelma & Louise already were rednecks. It's more like Thelma & Louise with Deliverance, or "The Getaway" with nice people ... or "Ghost" with basset hounds, or "The Golden Girls" with emphysema. Whatever it is, it's got a whole lot of Florida for better or worse.

[Charlie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m taking a different slant to reviewing this novel. Too much of the pullit-surprise awesomeness would be exposed and you really should take the cult-fiction journey naked.

Grundish and Askew is an unconventional 5-star novel that rules its own genre with tenacity and confidence. Nothing is off the table or taboo here. You’ll get language, violence, grossness (I think I just made that word up) and dysfunctional characters that will make your weird relations appear normal. Scary!

Interestingly, a fantastic revenge is inserted mid-way through the novel when the author addresses a previous critic’s comments and shoves them in the mouth of a character. For this, I get on my knees and bow whiling chanting god-like phrases. Presto, the pretentious, bloated, pompous windbag is instantly infamous! In the indie literary world we’ve named this type of reviewer Nestor Maronski(see Facebook, Twitter and Bestseller Bound for details). Yep, go ahead and Google it!

Lets examine. The windbag complains, “If this is a novel, it seems to me that the author has just speckled it with bizarre characters, footnotes and profanity, hoping that the shock value will be enough to carry the story. “ I could not disagree more! The characters are symptoms of our own stereotypical ideologies. As a society, we’ve come together to create Grundish, Askew, Turleen and collectively provide the setting, and behaviors of their neighbors. It’s the most honest reflection of contemporary thinking. Is it shocking, in your face, blunt and downright offensive? Yes, and that is the beauty of the story.

Shall we continue…back to our favorite critic. “…But, the book’s most painful flaw is its lack of any thoughtfully crafted deeper meaning or unifying theme.” I can not directly comment on the previous story for which this addresses, but in Grundish and Askew there is undoubtedly several deep and meaningful themes and if a reader misses them, a hex on you! So, what are these delightful themes? I’ll give it a shot by brainstorming a few off the top of my cliché head. Friendship (the bromance is outstanding), Family (what is a family and then of course, loyalty to Turleen), Economic limitations: culture, race, geography and education. Crime and justice- role of juvee, prison and revolving door. Ageism. Mental health and illness, dependency, and co-dependency. The value of life and death…blah, blah, etcetera. The comedic attributes do no lessen the greater importance of the message. In fact, ironically, it enhances the seriousness and the message(s) the author are conveying. The most obvious example is presented in the repetitive story Grundish tells Askew whenever they face separation. It begins, “Guys like us, you know, the ones that work the shit jobs and scrape by, are the loneliest guys in the world. Can’t keep jobs. Don’t fit in. They ain’t got nobody in the world that give a sideways $@*! about them…” Here’s the sign, the big whooper, the deeper meaning, the theme and/or thesis statement. This is the psychology behind the literary curtain as it pertains to this creative story.

NEXT! Wingbag continues, “The characters are outright unlikable and the author fails to provide us with a point as to what, exactly, he is trying accomplish.” Unlikeable? I believe that depends on each readers own experience. You might not like them, but unless the wizard forgot to give you a heart I’m certain most can sympathize. The end game of a character is not to make readers like them – how lame would that be? Characters are often devices utilized by authors to communicate. In this case, a talking donkey works perfectly. Characters may manifest in many forms spreading the spectrum from fuzzy-feel-good or horrifyingly disgusting.

Alrightly almighty douche, moving on….”To be fair, it also cannot be said that this book is completely without any talent or redemption. “ By far this is a unique, creative, inventive, character-rich, language exploring, boundary breaking and imaginative book. In my singular opinion, the author is incredibly talented, daring and unapologetic. *Note: I am not related, previously befriended, or paid by the author to state this, but if he becomes rich I might claim to be a long lost third-removed cousin by marriage.

Wait for it…this is my favorite part of the review and the kick’em while they’re down death blow, ‘the editing is not awful. BUT…” POW! Suckerpucnch! The EDITING? Really? All I can say is see footnote: [regarding made up words] author is attempting to help move words in the direction of standardization, if for no other reason then to irritate snooty vocabulary police.” My response to the final nugget and to all who include such nonsense in a review, “Oh Nestor Maronski I thought we killed you in Cutting The Fat by Maria Savva and Jason McIntyre (Google it, then buy it).

BTW: The author gets an extra golden star for creating the best pen name ever! If it’s not a pen name, my apologies – your parents probably have another son named Sue.

This book in a nominee to make my Top 11 of 2011 at Bitsy Bling Books

[Daniel Garwood · Rating 5 out of 5]

This original and entertaining dark comedy explores the relationship between the bearded, heavily tattooed, six-foot-three Grundish and his best friend, the pot-bellied Askew. The guys live on a trailer park with (Aunt) Turleen and share the park with a motley collection of residents previously convicted of a sex crime.

After Askew beats one of the sex offenders to death, he, Grundish and Turleen make a hasty exit from the trailer park and set off on a crime-spree.

Although both the main characters are uncouth and possibly psychopathic, their symbiotic relationship and their love for Turleen make it difficult to dislike them. Even after Askew murders the sex offender, shoots a bad-tipper and cuts off the ear of an impertinent teenager, he redeems himself with his affection for Dora, the skinny prostitute.

Telling the story in the present tense works well: it helps to maintain the tension, immediacy and closeness. The stomach-churning detail provided in the narrative is hilarious rather than disturbing; I swear I can still smell the sex scene in the Git-n-Go toilets.

Not for the faint-hearted, this novel is gritty, honest, funny and to be recommended.

[Jason Pettus · Rating 4 out of 5]

(Reprinted from the Chicago Center for Literature and Photography [cclapcenter.com:]. I am the original author of this essay, as well as the owner of CCLaP; it is not being reprinted here illegally.)

For those who don't know, there's a whole thriving sub-community within literature these days known alternately as "gonzo" or "bizarro" -- and many of the working authors in this community tend to be highly active at the various literary social networks out there, because of this community always having been a fan-based one that relies on social interaction, which is why it is that I receive a lot of review copies of books like these, in that I'm active at these social networks too. And this is the latest to arrive here at CCLaP, by hard-working genre veteran Lance Carbuncle, and I have to admit that it's one of the better ones I've read from the technical aspect of the writing quality itself; because that's of course the biggest problem with literary subgenres as well, that the quality of the actual writing is often sacrificed for the sake of delivering the fetishes that particular subgenre fan is looking for, no matter which subgenre you're talking about.

And it's ironic that this is one of the better-written gonzo books I've read since starting CCLaP, in that it's also one of the least fantastical ones; essentially the story of two barely intelligent former cons who met in prison, and all the comically dysfunctional situations they stumble their way in and out of, although the novel contains plenty of outrageously over-the-top details they are still based on things that could really happen in the real world, unlike so many books in this genre that are more like written-text cartoons. (For the unfamiliar, you can think of the genre in general as the spiritual heir of such Hunter S. Thompson books as Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, where the entire point is to effortlessly combine realism with the outlandishly surreal, although the genre's also been around long enough now to expand into all kinds of different subject matters and writing styles other than Thompson's original "gonzo journalism.") Messy, funny, disgusting sometimes to the point of cringe-inducing, this ranks near the best of what gonzo/bizarro fiction has to offer, and it comes highly recommended to fans of such other online stalwarts as Jeremy Shipp, Andersen Prunty and D Harlan Wilson.

Out of 10: 8.8

[Andersen Prunty · Rating 5 out of 5]

The final line of the prologue for Grundish and Askew – “Grundish thought about how he was going to shoot his best friend in the back of the head.” – is a pretty good indication that this is going to be darker than his first novel, Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed. And the rest of the novel follows through on this promise. It’s a wild ride and Carbuncle delivers on every page.
This is still a really funny book. Carbuncle is a great writer, a great comic writer, with an expert sense of characterization and style along with a knack for creating cringe-inducing bizarre scenes using characters many of us recognize from our daily lives. Plot is important – maybe – but I think the books I look forward to the most are the ones where I know the writer is entertaining himself as much as any audience. This sense of glee has a way of shining through. Humor is one of the most subjective forms of fiction and my favorite humorists are the ones who can keep me reading even if I’m not necessarily in the mood for something funny.

And this book is gross but in a really good way. It’s like Carbuncle takes all those instances that people try not to think too much about and carves a story out of them. A good example of this is Askew’s bathroom encounter with his parole officer, Velda, “a squat, sturdy lump of femininity, like a wrecking ball that broke off of its chain.” Most people would not want to think of any sexual encounters this woman might have but Carbuncle takes you right there and puts you right in the middle of the Git-n-Go restroom and you’ll either find it hilarious or want to take a shower afterward – or both. Which kind of sums up Grundish and Askew in a nutshell. If you’re easily offended, you might not want to pick this one up, but if you like the type of book that is a more mature take on the 12-year-old psyche perpetually dwelling in a lot of us, then you would probably really like this. I’m eagerly awaiting Carbuncle’s next book. It’s been a while since I’ve read this one and I need a fix.

[Jason · Rating 5 out of 5]

Woooooooooooooooooooooo. What an awesome book! Really, really gross, very violent and really really gross.

Grundish is my new favourite character... ever. His relationship with the insane fuckup that is Askew is really moving at times. And just how proud he was over a massive poo he did had me laughing so much I had to take a photo of the page to send a friend, because my wife just didn't understand why it was so funny.

The book is well written and gradually adds more and more pace as the story nears it's conclusion. Lance has also been kind enough to include endnotes, I am always Googling words to see what they mean and luckily he saved me from having DOCKING (you'll have to buy this book now if you want to know what this is hehe) in my search history... so the book gets a point for teaching the reader new stuff. A few times during the book i think the author may have been a wee bit drunk and the characters start attacking the author about his lazy writing style, very funny if not strange.

There is a character in this book that is hinted at being in another so it looks like I need to read previous books to find out more.

If you are up for reading a story that pushes the limits of good taste then definitely give this a go. There is also an audiobook out and I think that would be good fun to listen to.

Looking forward to reading more.

Blog review is here: https://felcherman.wordpress.com/2019...

[Rodney · Rating 4 out of 5]

Grundish and Askew are inseparable best friends. Since childhood the two have been there for each other. Their bond will certainly be pushed to it’s limits before all of this is over. This book is equal parts heart, humor, filthiness, and adventure.

Grundish has been through rehab, juvenile hall, and prison. He now tolerates a shit job and his ever present parole officer in an effort to stay on the right path. This is no easy task, his boss is a prick and his PO wants a hell of a lot more than just his urine. Grundish takes to burglarizing and hanging out in plush homes while the occupants are on vacation. At the end of each stay, he leaves with a duffel bag of the finest food and liquor, leaving a present in the toilet for the home owners.

Askew is a pot-bellied little man who comes from a long line of convicts. After many generations, his father vowed to break the chain, and taught Askew what he hoped would keep him away from the same fate. Askew makes Grundish promise to kill him before he gets locked up. With illiterately colorful language and unpredictable behavior, he is this story’s train wreck that you cannot turn away from as a disconnect occurs and things get out of hand. He is the catalyst for much of the struggle that the friends experience.

Askew’s aunt Turleen comes to live with Grundish and Askew after getting kicked out of assisted living by killing her nursing home’s resident canine. While longing for the day when she is diagnosed with a terminal illness so that she can be reunited with the joy of smoking, she cooks and cleans for the boys between pill induced slumbers. In her dreams she is visited by the hound dog Idjit Galoot and friends, who offer riddles and advice to guide her and the boys as they continue their escapade.

After Askew snaps one too many times, the three are forced to go underground. Turleen sets up a place to hideout with an old friend. The plan from there is shaky at best.

“Grundish and Askew” has a certain magic about it, and is damn funny as well. The wisdom of the old seeks stasis with the recklessness of the young. There are certainly nods to “Of Mice and Men,” but as with “Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed,” and "Sloughing off the Rot,” there is a sense of adventure that is all-encompassing, even during the typical routines of the characters. I loved seeing Idjit Galoot and Alf the Sacred Burro from the other books make appearances. Being self-published, the book is also extremely well done in terms of overall quality and editing. Now that I have read all of the author’s books, I hope I do not have to wait long for more. Read you some Carbuncle!

[Chloe · Rating 3 out of 5]

Chaos, wanton destruction, irrational behavior in the face of the massed forces of The Man- it's always been a good bet that if a book has any of these elements then it's a book that I want to read. As such I was incredibly happy to hear that Lance Carbuncle had released his follow-up to Smashed, Squashed, Shattered..., his hilarious first novel- a book hilarious enough to have been banned from my bedroom due to incessant laughter at late-night hours.

The titular Grundish and Askew are a pair of down-on-their-luck losers living among a trailer park of pedophiles. These best friends have never caught a break: Grundish is stalked by the lustful parole officer who wants to get her hands on the strap-on penis that he regularly uses to pass drug tests, Askew's one-lunged Great Aunt Turleen has just been kicked out of a nursing home for strangling a dog. It's a life, sure, but it's up for debate as to whether it's worth living. Regardless, deciding to get back at all of The Fuckers who have been making their lives miserable for so long, the duo find themselves on the run after Askew beats a man to death.

At which point the novel drinks a big tall glass of crazy juice. Now, I mentioned above that I'm a big fan of the wantonly insane in books. I like that mixture of titillation and repulsion that comes with reading about Thalidomide babies or homeless men performing stripteases on street corners. Carbuncle just goes crazy with it, though. Cringe-inducing descriptions of the sweatily obese and the liver-spotted ancient, tonsilliths (Google it- but be ye warned), burros that barf up rancid hair balls, frozen meat sticks- it all gets thrown in the kitchen sink and blended into a fine mess.

I think I'd have been fine with these macabre details had the plot hung together toward the end, but the last 30 pages just read as though the book needed to be rushed to print and an ending hurriedly constructed. Characters did things not keeping with the selves that we've gotten used to over the preceding pages and the surprise twist which we've been gearing up for just left me feeling "meh." Still, this book is an absolute riot for the most part and I'll definitely be first in line to read Carbuncle's next.

[Alison · Rating 5 out of 5]

What do you do if you make a promise to someone? You keep that promise, right? Well, that's what Grundish is trying to do, but his best buddy and hetero-life-partner, Askew, isn't making it easy. You see, Grundish has been taking the fall (and doing the time) for his best friend all their lives... but now, well, it's getting a little out of hand.

I didn't think it was possible, but Lance Carbuncle has managed to out-do himself. "Grundish and Askew" takes it's readers on an outrageous ride, following the bromance and ridiculous adventures of a couple of serious ne'er-do-wells. Start with a guy that's terrified to go to prison and a best friend who swears that that will never happen, throw in a crusty (yet kinda hot) Aunt Turleen, a couple cartons of cigarettes, trailer park brawls, kidnapping, hostages, a bad*ss El Camino, gigantic turds (yeah, you read it right), fake penises, words you'll never find in a dictionary, talking dogs and a dead guy strapped to a sacred burro... and well, you've got yourself a novel by the amazing Dr Reverend Lance Carbuncle.

This book is hilarious, disgusting (ugh, did I mention the throat cheese?), captivating and you won't be able to put it down. I've already read it twice and it just gets better each time. Start your engines and strap on your sock garters... you're gonna need them.

[Brian Alan Ellis · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lance Carbuncle definitely has a way with words—he doesn’t write them; he kicks and fondles before splattering them across the page in garishly oozing detail—and his grimy Bizarro masterpiece, Grundish and Askew skull-fucks your brain before leaving it ass-up in a semen/booze-filled kiddie pool outside a Mexican porno theatre. Actually, such a pool outside a porno theatre does not exist in this book. Also, it isn’t set in Mexico (though a dead Mexican does play a factor). There is, however, a lot of humor and heart to be had. The title characters, as well the chain-smoking aunt who dreams about dead dogs, are so intriguingly bat-shit that you can’t help but follow their insanity to the bitter, blood-soaked end. Think an episode of Squidbillies directed by Tarantino. Think Of Mice and Men adapted by John Waters. Think What-the-fuck-did-I-Just-read?

[Beata Zwarycz · Rating 5 out of 5]

The bromance between Grundish and Askew is one of the greatest love stories I have ever read. These guys love each other more than Heathcliff and Catherine, more than Rhett and Scarlet. It's really this great friendship between them that resonates with me, so much more than the grossness or comedy.

The story is full of pathos and adventure and the writing is absolutely brilliant. In fact, I'm just starting to read another (more mainstream) novel and am saddened by how prosaic the writing is. Carbuncle's writing is anything but that. It's original and hilarious. I must read his other novel right away!

[✨Susan✨ · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a "best bro" story about two completely different characters that somehow connect and understand each other. Loosley this was a more comical, insane and vulgar take on, Of Mice and Men. I think this author falls into the the same category as Christopher Moore and Carl Hiaasen. The Character development was great and it had a fast paced storyline but not for the prim and proper crowd. The narrator did a great job and had very distinct voices. If your up for a gross and inappropriate, fun romp with two wild and crazy guys this may be for you. One of the other reviewers hit it right on the head when he called them knuckleheads.

[Amanda M. Lyons · Rating 5 out of 5]

Grundish is a down and out quiet soul whose life has been lived for the benefit of his friend Askew who's asked him to help him avoid the fate of of his forebears (all of of whom have ended up in jail at an early age and therefore waste their lives) by shooting him if it ever looks as if he's going to have to go to prison. This arrangement has worked out for the pair over the years (though Grundish finds himself serving time for Askew and therefore faces several setbacks and expressing himself through carefully orchestrated breaking and entering jobs)until Askew goes completely insane on a man who lives in their trailer park and kills him.

Frustrated by events as it was Grundish now flees with his friend and his octogenarian Aunt in an attempt to once again save Askew from the fate he seems destined to fulfill. The only trouble is that just when things start to look better they only get worse and usually because Askew isn't able control his impulses. Caught in a whirlwind of crime, insanity, death and mayhem Grundish, Askew and the people dragged into their misadventure are locked in on path of doom.

Once again Lance Carbuncle has created a cast of characters that fascinate and amuse the reader as often as they horrify them with their actions. Carbuncle is no ordinary author with his blend of Gonzo and off the wall Harry Crews inspired characters he manages to create a unique story that goes much farther than you might expect. Grundish, Askew and Askew's Aunt Turleen have their own unique world view which often leaves them outside normal society, wrapped up in the mens problems they all form a cohesive unit that while often flawed in action tries very hard to seek out whats best for the group.

While the oddball charm is just as strong here as in Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed there's a tempered quality to the way its dolled out over the course of Grundish and Askew which allows the novel to be serious more often than not and this actually makes Carbuncle's second novel better than his first.I highly recommend this book for its humor, sense of adventure and loveable oddball qualities all of which make it a standout and a clearly original piece.

[Corby Anderson]

Reasonably Deranged: Grundish and Askew, by Lance Carbuncle, reviewed by Corby Anderson

Imagine that John Steinbeck was forced to mainline a gallon of liquefied salvia divinorum while being strapped down to a chair made of ten penny nails, his eyelids propped open by the freshly-plucked rib bones of a small, rare mammal, all the subjected to watching Natural Born Killers for 24 hours straight, only to be released to his oaken writing desk and given a month to express his thoughts on the experience.

His furious, incisive indictments of the Fuckers who waylaid him would likely take on a literary form very similar in to that of Floridian author Lance Carbuncle in his wilding new novel, Grundish and Askew.

Grundish and Askew traces the unraveling existence of the degenerated duo who provide the novel its name. Grundish is the ex-con, imprisoned not for rape, nor murder, or any serious evil doing. He simply likes to use other people’s stuff, whether they want him to or not. And this quirk of personality, it seems, tends to get him into a deepening trench of hecticness. Grundish is foul, indeed – crude, lewd, and tattooed with the face only his engorged, lustfully extorting parole officer Velda could love, against the wall of a grungy bathroom. But as ill-bred and misguided as he is, Grundish is also the (pickled) brains behind what Carbuncle so aptly describes as a “creepy caper.”

Askew is his road partner, the only real friend that Grundish has maintained in a world chock full of “Fuckers”, those who greed merchants and condescending fools who have conspired to force the pair into a career of bumbling criminality. A savage reactionary, Askew sets their fateful run into motion when in self-defense, he pummels the dim life out of a charging, masturbatory sex-offender named Bumpy D in full view of a their molester-laden trailer park brethren.

Joined by Turleen, Askew’s infirmed, cigarette-ravaged great aunt, Grundish and Askew hole up at the abandoned house of the Buttwynn family, where they lavish in their belongings and wait out the heat from the trailer park incident. Their temporary idyll takes a sour turn when Mr. Buttwynn returns home early from the family vacation to tryst with his teenage prostitute lover, only to discover a vile group of dirt bags inhabiting his sanctimonious home.

After a particularly savage rampage by a newly unhinged Askew puts the lot of them on the lam, they are sheltered, perhaps, by a withered old man and his saintly, sputum horking burro, Alf. And that is when it starts to get weird.

Carbuncle has taken an old familiar, Steinbeck’s Of Mice and Men, and given it a modern, demented cast tinged with his particular brand of unsterile absurdity. As with his first novel, Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked, and Spewed, Carbuncle’s follow-up work is laced with encyclopedic knowledge of rapine carnality, and a fat dose of balls-out wit. The novel jolts and badgers its reader into following two seemingly unlikable characters, often utilizing direct expositional interludes by the author himself. Carbuncle holds no bars. He consistently delves in the inscrutable nature of low-achievers, and seems striven to shock, but to his credit, he does it in a way that seems somehow reasonable, even plausible given the arc of the story that he is telling.

Most importantly, it is bloody obvious that Carbuncle takes great joy in the writing process. His prose is wild, effective, and refreshing to read. When Carbuncle needs a word that the limitations of the Oxford Dictionary does not provide for, he makes it up, footnoting his rationale. The pages turn themselves. As revolting as his characters are, they are endearingly interesting. As with his brilliant first novel, the settings of Grundish and Askew are so well conceived and detailed that one feels as though they are there with the characters, sitting ringside, drinking piss-warm Hamm’s in a threadbare lawn chair as Grundish circles the trailer park, berzerkingly attacking his perverted neighbors with frozen hotdogs. And what more can one ask of a story, if not to be given a decaying vinyl shotgun seat handle to cling to for dear life, a jarring smack to the back of the head, and a well-put admonishment to “sit down, shut up, and hold the fuck on?”

Grundish and Askew, by Lance Carbuncle, is published by Vicious Books, and is available at viciousbooks.com, and at Amazon.com.

Corby Anderson
Marina, California
December 2009

-Corby Anderson is the author of the unfinished, unpublished great American ski bum novel, Washing Out, assorted whiny poetry, and other boorish short fiction and acts of ridiculous journalism. He wrote a weekly sports column for the Aspen Daily News, and contributes to the Monterey County Weekly, amongst other publications and websites. Examples of his works can be found at corbyanderson.wordpress.com.

[Dan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book. The characters are awesome. It would be a great movie!

[Matthew Revert · Rating 5 out of 5]

Gross out fiction is an acquired taste. Those who have acquired this taste typically gobble it up without an overarching desire for context. Lance Carbuncle is a name that many fans of ‘gross’ will have encountered recently. His debut novel, ‘Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed’ was something of a minor hit, winning many fans with its grotesque charms – what’s more, it was self-published! I could go on for pages about why I advocate self-publishing, but I won’t. Let’s just say that the way his debut continues to sell never fails to raise a smile.

With all the talk of gross out fiction and Mr. Carbuncle’s place within this ‘genre’, you may be forgiven for assuming his work has no depth. This could not be further from the truth and with his second novel, ‘Grundish and Askew’, Carbuncle proves it. Regardless of questionable content, ‘Grundish and Askew’ packs more genuine heart than most books I’ve read in a long time. Swimming through the grime to find this heart only serves to make it more worthwhile.

This novel tells the unfortunate tale of two best friends, Grundish and Askew. Their lives have formed around each other and the bond they share is unbreakable. The two anti-heroes have lived a no-hoping, skid row life with only each other for support. Grundish and Askew are flotsam and jetsam that have washed up on the shore of an apathetic world. Grundish has spent his life in and out of correctional facilities, while Askew, determined to break a family curse, has done everything possible to stay out of them. When not in the law’s crosshairs for petty crimes, the two work remedial jobs, drink alcohol and imagine a better life, involving ambiguous plans to run a brothel ship on international waters.

Determined to rise from the underprivileged lives that society has pushed them into, Grundish and Askew decide, in a moment of drunkenness, that they won’t be the butt of the world’s jokes anymore. It’s while lashing out at a trailer park hooligan that the two best friends go too far. Given that Grundish has promised to kill Askew rather than let him go to prison, the two go on the run. Askew’s vaguely disgusting, yet strangely endearing grandmother, Turleen tags along for the ride.

Now the misadventure really begins. Askew’s mental state is deteriorating into violence, the authorities are on their tale and Turleen is having reality affecting dreams involving a dog that many of you will remember from Carbuncle’s first novel. The death count is rising, tensions are fraying and nothing quite goes according to plan.

Yes, throughout it all, Carbuncle ensures the tale stays gross, vulgar and amusing. Yet somehow, despite the putrid activities Grundish and Askew involve themselves in, I still managed to fall in love with these characters. Carbuncle writes great dialogue and his prose is top notch, never failing to bolster the material. Let’s face it, a story about lowlifes on the run from the law is hardly original, yet Carbuncle infuses the tale with genuine life and momentum.

The point I want to reiterate is this; despite everything that happens in this book, it still maintains a throbbing heart. You genuinely feel for these two and want them to succeed. The bond they share radiates from the page and anyone who has ever had a best friend will empathise with their plight. There are moments in this book where I was genuinely heartbroken for these pathetic guys.

The only real weakness with ‘Grundish and Askew’ is Carbuncle’s inability to separate himself from the material. For whatever reason, he peppers the book with redundant footnotes. This is a shame because his prose is so strong that nothing needed to detract from it. It’s a relatively minor quibble and doesn’t change the fact that ‘Grundish and Askew’ is a powerful, disgusting and unusually heartwarming book. If you can stomach it, I can’t recommend it highly enough.

Oh yeah, and I’ll never look at a pink sock the same way again…

[Robert Beveridge · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lance Carbuncle, Grundish and Askew (Vicious Galoot Books, 2009)

I'm wondering, if I give Grundish and Askew a really terrible review, if I'll get written into Carbuncle's next book, getting killed off in some inventive and hilarious way, as happened to one unfortunate reviewer of Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked, and Spewed, Carbuncle's first (very funny) book. Because I would totally do that for a walk-on role in the next book, even though I liked Grundish and Askew a great deal—even more than I liked Smashed, Squashed..., I think.

Plot: there is Grundish, and there is Askew. Both of them are layabouts, and both of them are amateur criminals, but Askew has avoided detection on these counts his entire life because Grundish is always willing to take the fall. As we open, Grundish has recently been sprung from prison, where he was doing time for yet another thing Askew actually did. (Actually, as we open, the two of them are driving into the middle of nowhere, attempting to evade the cops, while Grundish muses over his long-ago promise that he would kill Askew, rather than letting him go to prison. But that is another story that comes later.) They're living with Askew's very old and more than slightly cracked Aunt Turleen in a trailer park with a bunch of other deviants, ex-cons, and the like. Grundish, who's still on parole, is trying to walk the straight and narrow with his job as one of those guys who stands on streetcorners holding the big signs telling you about stores going out of business while being stalked by his parole officer, a truly scary old woman who wants some of what Grundish whips out every time he's got to take a drug test (with her watching, natch). Askew, on the other hand, is making the real money by casing houses while making the rounds as a pizza delivery guy so the two of them can break in somewhere for a weekend, live large, and discover the dirty little secrets of the homeowners, which they can then use to blackmail them into not reporting the break-in to the cops. It's a good life, until one of Grundish's fellow prison alumni conceives a plan involving Grundish which Askew gets caught in the middle of. (I wish I could tell you what it is, but there's no way it would pass the censors.) Askew takes offense, which leads to Grundish, Askew, and Turleen on the run from the law.

So, yeah! This book sucks! Don't buy it! It won't make you laugh convulsively at all! (I'm using all exclamation points in this paragraph because Carbuncle did it in a review recently and I'm being a sycophant to try and get that walk-on role!) You won't be amused by the reappearance of Idjit Galoot, the hero of Smashed, Squashed..., at all! Grundish, Askew, and Turleen's adventures will not remind you at all of a weird mash-up of Jack Kerouac and a sixties biker film (with a slight bit of Reservoir Dogs thrown in for good measure)! Carbuncle is not at all an original writer, who comes up with great scenarios and throws interesting and amusing characters into them! You won't fall for Grundish's parole officer yourself! (Or, wait, maybe that was just me!) This book has absolutely nothing to say about class warfare, social consciousness, the injustice of the prison-industral complex, or interesting and alternative uses for frozen lunch meat! You will absolutely not love this book!

(Seriously, I would offer a money-back guarantee myself if I weren't pretty much constantly broke. But if you ARE one of those poor, humorless souls who buys this and somehow doesn't like it, take heed: there are many used bookstores whose staff will give you up to half your cover price back and find it a good home.) *** 1/2

[Doug · Rating 2 out of 5]

Having just finished the novel last night, I'm still in the process of forming an opinion of the book as a whole (hence the lack of review stars). There are elements that I can comment on quite readily, but when attempting to answer the question of "What do you think of the book?", I feel like I don't have an answer yet.

The craft of the good Reverend Carbuncle is on display in this book. The writing is tight, and the dialoge is natural. His characters are realized and rounded to a degree (and by that I mean that they are rounded to a degree that doesn't lift them above the savage, over-the-top motif that dominates the book from cover to cover).

I would call this a meta-book. The author is speaking directly to the reader with this novel, through the use of footnotes (a peevish device that I don't readily accept in fiction) and several instances in the main narrative where the "fourth wall" (to use a film and television term) is not only acknowledged, but obliterated often.

So it should follow that if the novel, the characters of Grundish, Askew, Turleen, Dora and Idjit Galoot, are mouthpieces for Carbuncle, then the author has something important to communicate to the reader. Maybe that's true and maybe it isn't. If it is, I haven't figured out what he was trying to tell me yet.

The novel is a rocket propelled grenade of caricatures and escalatingly violent and base events, with bodily fluids, appendages, and verbal assaults flying seemingly on every page. The main characters are irredeemable and spectacularly misguided simpletons who wake up one day on the wrong side of sanity, then spend the rest of the book going back and forth across the division, as one horribly ill-concieved attempt to find freedom and peace after another self destructs, often with horrific results to the people around the titular characters. The addition of prophetic dreams with talking dogs just pushes the whole experience to as close to an LSD high as I have ever been.

Yet the book, for all its attempts to shock and disgust, and despite the slight self depracation that the author heaps on himself in the instances when he breaks out of the narrative to chat with the reader, is a thoughtful look at what it means to love someone, even a raging hurricane of violence and stupidity like Askew, and what kind of person would choose to stand by that love no matter what it costs them. For what it's worth, despite his hygene difficulties, I would love a friend like Grundish.

So I still haven't developed a short answer to that question I posed above, "What do you think of the book?" I don't know what I think of it. But I do know that I'll be thinking about it for a while, and maybe that's as good an answer as any.

[Daniel Clausen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Perhaps Carbuncle's first book desensitized me. Or, perhaps it was easier for me to see past the farting, shitting, blood, semen, etc, at this stage in my mature adulthood...but in one respect this book fails to deliver as advertised. Reading the back cover of the book, we're told to "get ready for Carbuncle to blast you in the face with a warm load of fictitious sickness".

To be honest, I never felt like I was blasted in the face with anything. Actually, the author has a much more sensitive and subtle tale to tell. In some ways, (though I haven't read this book in a while) the book reminds me of Of Mice and Men. Carbuncle writes of people that have been downtrodden, run over, and in many ways forget. There are long stretches of the book where you just get to feel what it's like to be really crapped on by life. One of the main characters (Grundish), who is the older brother-type character of the two, starts off his familiar speech to his life long friend. "Guys like us, the ones who work the shitty jobs..."

And for me, that's what the book is about. And it needs to be written about. It needs to be written about in a way that's fun, has a sickly donkey, a 72 Camero, hilly billy cops, tales of hookers, and obscenely large turds in toilets. But in the end, it's a tale about guys like us. And if you're not one of us, than the books tells you about guys like us. In order for the book to work, you need to feel like Askew and Grundish for a while--by the end of the book, their journey matters because you become them.

For fans of Carbuncle's other book--here's a prediction: Turleen is going to have a cameo in his next book. That, or keeping with the animal theme, it's Alf the Sacred Burro.

[Betty · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you like raunchiness, you will love G&A...

I read Lance Carbuncle's debut novel, Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed, even though it's not my usual choice of reading. I had many laughs with his riotous characters, so decided to get this second book, Grundish and Askew.

I found it to be equally as outrageous, and his tale quite original. Grundish and Askew are the quirkiest characters to come down the pike (via the trailer park stereotype) since Dumb and Dumber (Unrated) [Blu-ray:]. They get into more trouble than any of Quentin Tarantino's characters ever thought about. From Askew's snaggle-toothed, teen-prostitute girlfriend to his bonkers, "oldtimers" aunt, I liked all the characters and felt sympathy for them, even though they were not always honest and law-abiding. The one honorable thing that stands out about Grundish and Askew is their undying loyalty to each other.

To some people this is a five-star book, but he went a bit too far for my more "senstive" tastes. And that's saying a lot because I do love satire and humor. But I reluctantly deduct one star for that reason. However, he is a good writer and very imaginative, so he should go far in today's world where the majority of young people "eat this stuff up."

It takes a special type of sick humor to write books like these, and I appreciate Carbuncle's "twisted specialness." The proof of his malady is in his writing... I say this with great fondness and respect for the author... lol (I can see Jim Carrey playing either character, should this be made into a movie.)

Reviewed by Betty Dravis, February 4, 2010
Author of "Dream Reachers" (with Chase Von) and other novels

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

If George and Lenny lived in a trailer park, drank beer, had few ambitions and a violent streak, they’d be Grundish and Askew. This is the second book by the good Dr. Reverend Lance Carbuncle, but the first one I’ve had the pleasure of reading. I’m looking forward to satiating myself on more raunchy, cult inspiring awesomeness.

Grundish and Askew are soul mates and hetero life partners who haven’t been dealt the best hand but are determined to make the most of what they have. Askew is determined to break the generational cycle of prison bound men in his family while Grundish, after serving his time, just wants to stay out of jail. But when a frozen hot dog prank in their trailer park goes awry, the two men have to flee, taking their one-lunged senior citizen aunt with them.

The characters in “Grundish and Askew” are great. The two main characters are raw and disgusting, yet I found myself rooting for them. Turleen, the one-lunged aunt, is well developed as a secondary character and one of my favorites, especially during her interactions with two dogs that show up in her hallucinatory dreams. Minor characters add spice and plot and Carbuncle weaves them into the story with either great skill or lots of luck (I’m going to say the former).

“Grundish and Askew” isn’t for the faint of heart or virgin-minded. There’s sex, violence, gore, bodily functions and some disturbing scenery along the way. But it’s a fun, wild ride that’s well written and one I highly recommend.

[Andy Senior · Rating 5 out of 5]

Lance Carbuncle has a knack for creating absurd characters that we actually give a damn about. Grundish and Askew are incorrigible screw-ups that most of us would cross the street to avoid. Yet they are big-hearted incorrigible screw-ups, a trailer-park Damon and Pythias or (perhaps more significantly) Lennie and George. Steinbeckian overtones persist throughout the book, but Steinbeck was never this much fun. Carbuncle, a gifted humorist in every sense of the word, is thoroughly comfortable with the human body and getting maximum comic mileage from everything that comes out of it. It's uproarious stuff, ripe and fragrant.

But it's deeply human. You can't help but root for Grundish and Askew as they careen from one disaster to another, never relinquishing their dreams. You can't help but love octogenarian sexpot Aunt Turleen and teenage hooker (and investor) Dora. You will also dig the footnotes, fun facts, whiffs of mysticism, and occasional breaches of the fourth wall that Carbuncle employs to great effect. Grundish and Askew is Steinbeckian, Rabelaisian, and (above all) Carbunclean. Carbuncle is a uniquely talented comic writer and requires his own adjective.

[Norm · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you've been missing the twisted, sick humor of Hunter S Thompson, or you're wondering what Carl Hiassen would write ... if he were on an acid trip ... of if life is just a little too vanilla, too bland, Grundish and Askew is your book.

Grundish and Askew are two pitiful losers. Nothing has gone right in their lives, except their own lifetime bond. They would kill for each other, or, under the right circumstances, kill each other.

When Askew beats a man to death, they must flee, bringing Askew's aunt along with them, and in great Hiassen tradition, meet other wacky characters in the Florida wilds.

A gritty, darkly humorous ride, Grundish and Askew will have you rooting for some bad guys who don't seem all that bad.

[Robert Kroese · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is like the bastard child of Pulp Fiction, My Name is Earl, and Of Mice and Men. Compelling characters and a great on-the-lam(b) plot. Some nice surreal touches thrown in, such as characters bumming cigarettes from talking dogs while they are dreaming. Uh, it will make sense when you read it.

Definitely not for everybody - There's a lot of violence, a lot of profanity, a lot of sex (and not really the good kind of sex; more the smelly, cramped, uncomfortable kind), and, well, just a lot of general grossness. Still, an enjoyable read overall.

[Andrew · Rating 5 out of 5]

The tasteless scum and filth you expect from a John Waters film meets the humor and social jabs of Tom Robbins. Grundish and Askew is the best book I have read this year and the best transgressive-genre book I have read in recent memory. Rooting for “evil” has never been this much fun!

Update: every time I read this I like it more and more. Friends, if you are looking for a fun book to read, this is it!

[Gabriel · Rating 4 out of 5]

[Thank you, Carbuncle, for the review copy!]

I don't know if Mr. Lance Carbuncle considers himself a "bizarro" author, but this book definitely fits into the best of that set. One of those few bizarro books that seems completely realistic, doesn't depend on jokes to sell itself and is - for all the sophomoric humor and gory violence - a serious story about serious people.

First off, this is NOT "Thelma and Louise" with men. That's what I thought at first ... but I was so far off-base it's not even funny. This is too much like a Noir (granted, a pre-Hayes Code Noir ... or "unrated exxxtra long" Noir) for something like "Thelma and Louise." And it's no "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" ... I mean, they ride bicycles and sing Burt Bacharach songs. Grundish and Askew would smack them upside their pretty-boy faces and let them in on the real world. A world full of cheap smokes, cheaper beer, and cheapest women.

But a world that is so suffocatingly (I took a lesson from Carbuncle and made up a word there) real, that one can't help but feel for everyone involved. Except the F**kers. There's only hatred for those guys.

And despite the vile (as in gross; not poorly written) details that ooze from the pages (my computer screen needs to be washed now ... it's rather disgusting), the story feels restrained. It's not out to just drown the reader with guts and sperm and blood and snot and fecal matter - not like the worst Troma films - but rather, the bile and such are sprinkled lightly throughout the book ... like one would do cheese on pasta.

All of this work, though, and I still feel a little cold. I'm not sure what I was missing to truly love this book (maybe it's just because I finished Harbor which is up on my top books of all time list ... poor timing), but when I come back to it in a couple of years I'm sure I'll find lots of what I was missing.

I'll just skip the prologue though. I think the story reads better when told linearly instead of in medium rays , as Askew would say.