Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships: What Works and What Doesnt

by Patricia L. Papernow

In this accessible and engaging book, Dr.Patricia Papernow brings four decades of clinical experience and research findings to describing the five unique challenges of "blended families." Dr.Papernow's wisdom, intelligence, and good humor shine throughout as she follows a dozen very different stepfamilies. She provides tools to meet their challenges on three different levels--psychoeducation (a wealth of concrete information about what works and what doesn't), interpersonal skills (including a "tool box" of effective skills), and, where needed, intrapsychic work (rich examples of healing old family-of-origin bruises that were intensifying the challenges).

Already being called "an instant classic," this book is an indispensable and highly readable guide for both stepfamily members and for those who want to help.

Genres: Psychology, Parenting, Nonfiction

1 pages, Audio CD

First published January 1, 2013

About the author

Dr. Patricia Papernow is widely recognized as one of the world's foremost experts on "blended families" and post-divorce parenting. Patricia is in her fourth decade of working with, learning about, and teaching others about stepfamily relationships. Her new book, Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships: What Works and What Doesn’t is engaging and accessible and it is chock full of wisdom and practical suggestions for people who live in stepfamilies and for those who want to help.

Reviews

[Ray Branch · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a tremendous book to use as a resource in counseling stepfamilies. Papernow is extremely helpful in describing the many problems that are faced by stepfamilies as they begin their new blended family together. Not only does Papernow describe these problems and what causes them but she does a good job in giving techniques that can be used as tools by counselors to help stepfamilies overcome these numerous obstacles. This book covers stepfamilies in different stages of development, so it will be helpful to anyone that may work with stepfamilies. It is certainly worthy of the time it may take to read and study it.

[Misty Ray · Rating 4 out of 5]

Psych books are always more approachable when case studies come into play, and the reader gets plenty of that here, with overviews and complete dialogues with the clients. This is a very readable book, to be taken in two ways: one, as an interesting overview on the step-family conundrum, and two, as a textbook reader on power positions and genograms. It helps to have a basic working knowledge of psychology terms and approaches before opening the cover.

With that said, I see this as more of a spring-board for professionals than an advice book to parents needing assistance. The author brags, a little bit, when including dialogues, as the ones she provides occur at the "breakthrough" session, when immediate results are visible. Also, the ratio of parent to parent as opposed to parent to child is wildly skewed in favour of the adults.

An interesting read, and an open-minded one, as it includes same-sex couples as well; a rare thing in the over the counter psych book.

Thanks to the author and Goodreads for the giveaway.

[Diane Kaplan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Boy has this book been helpful! I’m preparing to move in with my boyfriend and his son, and this book has given vocabulary for my worries, and concrete lessons/advice for how we can proceed in the healthiest way- my boyfriend is reading it now too. I’ve gone from feeling totally daunted to feeling informed and I equipped!

[Andreas Konstantinou · Rating 5 out of 5]

Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships is a human, practical guide to blended families. Reading it feels a bit like sitting with a seasoned therapist who has seen everything—and manages to explain it all with both self-acceptance and psychological precision.

Papernow lays out the complexities of stepfamilies - and with the stepfamily dynamics are an order of magniture greater than traditional families. She discusses loyalty binds, insider/outsider dynamics, kids who warm up one day and freeze the next - as predictable developmental stages of a multi-year stepfamily formation. The book balances research with experience - Papernow distills decades of clinical experience into a set of stepparenting realities and practical tools.

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Written by a therapist who has specialized in working with stepfamilies for 30 years, this book is a "must read" for both stepfamilies and those who work with them. Insightful, compassionate, and wise, it empathizes with every member of the family system. Valuable tips from the psychoeducational, intrapersonal, and intrapsychic levels throughout, plus excellent illustrative case studies. While written from a clinical perspective, it is accessible to everyone.

[Jill Wolfe · Rating 5 out of 5]

An incredibly helpful & well-researched guide

I wish I’d had this book 6-plus years ago. I wish my THERAPISTS had had this book. So many helpful concepts & ideas for families struggling to come together. It should be on the wedding registry of any couple with kids from a previous relationship.

[Lasse · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book wearing two hats, that of father in a stepfamily situation and that of a clinical psychologist working with clients who face similar issues. I found this book immensely helpful for understanding and navigating stepfamily relationships and also as a resource for therapists. Highly recommended!

[Heiki Eesmaa · Rating 5 out of 5]

A tremendous book on what makes stepfamilies work. It is well organized and uses insights from more and less evidence-based areas of psychology in a good proportion. Mostly written as a specialist handbook with repetitive detail, the material is so simply presented and evocative that it is sure to be helpful to many a layperson as well.

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book validated pretty much everything I've felt for the last 3 years! If you're considering "blending", struggling with your stepfamily dynamics, or have plans to have a romantic relationship with kids/step kids involved, read this book!

[Kiersten Cole · Rating 5 out of 5]

This an incredible book of research and clinical experience on step families. This book was so helpful to myself as both a mental health professional and member of a step family. I would recommend this book to any member of a step family and anyone working step families.

[Aislinn Watson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well-written and easy to follow. I learned a lot about step-family dynamics and will revisit this book if I end up doing therapy with step-families more regularly.

[Holly Guthrie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wish I would have read this book when I began my relationship with my current husband. Still good info and tips / tricks to try, but would have been really helpful to know sooner.

[Tiffany · Rating 5 out of 5]

I listened to this audiobook and felt it was extremely helpful in terms of understanding lots of stepfamily systems and what is most helpful to each system. As well as common challenges and helpful practices.

[Orazie Slayton · Rating 4 out of 5]

great book for those starting a stepfamily relationship or even already in one and need some helpful tips to thriving.

[Doris · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is filled with knowledge, of topic at hand.

[Mae · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is written for both the layperson and also those in the helping profession. As a layperson, I found it very helpful in understanding how the dynamics of a first family are completely different from that of a step-family and expectations cannot be the same. Understanding how much the children are affected is so key in making a step-family work. As someone who was divorced after 10 yrs of marriage and who now lives with a widower, our 2 1/2 yr relationship is still young. We have 3 children (10, 11, and 11) whom we all love dearly. We continue to having growing pains and hope to God that we will be one of the families that survive. But I'll say that this book has been a great guide in offering some wisdom and I'm sure I'll be referring to it many times over.

[Vanessa Scott · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book contains a wealth of valuable information that is so critical in understanding the complexities of stepfamily relationships.

[anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dr Papernow writes eloquently and provides stepfamilies with much needed support in her new book. Her case studies provide specific examples and stories giving the reader access to real life issues and how to live with and survive them with dignity. Always thoughtful of all sides of the issue, Dr Papernow presents us with resolutions that hold families together witnessing one another's needs.

[Tim · Rating 5 out of 5]

"It is not whether children live in a first-time family, single-parent family, or a stepfamily that most powerfully predicts their wellbeing. It is the level of conflict, combined with the quality of parenting practices."