The Erotic Silence of the American Wife

by Dalma Heyn

After interviewing several hundred women who had extramarital affairs, author Dalma Heyn found that several striking similarities emerged. Something had changed during marriage--they experienced an inexplicable silencing of their inner and sexual selves--and so despite the moral codes against it, they committed adultery. "Dalma Heyn shows us a new reality and a tantalizing hint of the future--and neither women nor marriage will ever be the same."--Gloria Steinem.

Genres: Nonfiction, Feminism, Sexuality, Womens, Psychology, Gender

320 pages, Paperback

First published May 30, 1992

About the author

Dalma Heyn is a New York Times bestselling author and psychotherapist who has worked for twenty-five years to help women develop the best possible intimate relationships, while still flourishing as individuals. Her books, which explore the loss of self that many women experience within marriage, have been lauded as revolutionary.

Reviews

[Grady Hendrix · Rating 3 out of 5]

When I was a kid I used to be paranoid that if I bought a book, or checked one out of the library, the people behind the counter would criticize what I was reading after I left. My mom told me that was foolish and that they had better things to do than gossip about their customers behind their backs.

Then I got a job in a bookstore and discovered that was all we did.

[Amy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I don't think this book was what I was expecting but it was alright. I thought it was interesting how these women felt they needed to transform into the "Wife" when the husband didn't make any indication that he wanted a certain kind of wife. I can see how some people can feel like they have to appear to be a certain way in their married life but I would think in this day that we choose our spouse because we like who they are before marriage. I would strive to make sure my daughters know they should always be their selves. Not to conform to anyone else's ideal of the wife. Some of the women seem like having the affair and being married is just their day-to-day life. That they successfully live this dual life that's an interesting concept.

[Greg Davis · Rating 4 out of 5]

While the book is becoming quickly dated, published nearly a quarter century ago, the analysis, insight and the comments from interviewees still sound fresh and relevant.

However, and knowing the tome was not intended as a gender-balanced look at infidelity, multiple comments nonetheless, implicit and explicit, posited that (only) women are 'made to feel...' or 'didn't realize what the consequences were...' or 'were asked to be...' or 'were trained..' or 'were stifled...' or 'gave up...' or were placed in a social cage that 'involuntarily limited their freedom' and that (inaccurately) men experience no such victimhood, and (possibly) are the proximate cause of women's woes.

T'aint true, McGee. Not even close.

Life's hard when it's worthwhile.

We're all in this together. And we're all in cages if we consent to them.

[Jade · Rating 2 out of 5]

Learned a lot about marriage and the feeling good aspect from a woman's perspective. Even in the 21st Century, a lot of women go through the tradition, marriage then sex due to religious or own beliefs. But I feel like a lot of women are still in the state of mind that these ladies in the 1900's feel the same.

Even though the society that we live in has more options and legal rights to the type of love each one wants, there are still those that want both a traditional marriage as well as an affair to spice their lives.

[Sarah · Rating 1 out of 5]

I don't know what I expected, to be honest. I was bored. I felt like several of these stories, not all but several, were women justifying their affairs.

[Alessandra · Rating 3 out of 5]

Need some serious updating. It was good until the 89’s. Things have changed.

[Stasa Fritz · Rating 3 out of 5]

A series of interviews with women who have had affairs and felt it helped their lives and/or their marriages. This book does not stand up as a serious "study" into why women have affairs, but it does stand up as valuable insight.

In the sense that it provides a window into the frustrations and the libidos of married women, instead of men, it is ground breaking.

Marriage is all about compromises and this illustrates when perhaps too many compromises were made up front.

[Elizabeth · Rating 3 out of 5]

The Erotic Silence of the American Wife (Hardcover)
by Dalma Heyn


own this

also getting it out of the library while mine is in storage

very important

as important as Esther Perel Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic

[Bethany · Rating 5 out of 5]

Spoiled some book endings for me, but really got me thinking...my intellectually curiosity was alive and tearing into this book.

[Kate · Rating 1 out of 5]

I got bored with this. At first it was quite interesting, but eventually turned very repetitive and presumptuous.

[Elizabeth · Rating 3 out of 5]

from the library