Messages: The Communication Skills Book

by Matthew McKay, Martha Davis, Patrick Fanning

Many people assume that good communicators possess an intrinsic talent for speaking and listening to others, a gift that can't be learned or improved. The reality is that communication skills are developed with deliberate effort and practice, and learning to understand others and communicate your ideas more clearly will improve every facet of your life. Now in its third edition, Messages has helped thousands of readers cultivate better relationships with friends, family members, coworkers, and partners. You'll discover new skills to help you communicate your ideas more effectively and become a better listener. Learn how to: If you can communicate effectively, you can do just about anything. Arm yourself with the interpersonal skills needed to thrive.

Genres: Psychology, Communication, Self Help, Nonfiction, Relationships, Social, Business

310 pages, Paperback

First published June 1, 1983

About the author

Matthew McKay, PhD, is a professor of psychology at the Wright Institute in Berkeley, and author of more than 30 professional psychology and self-help books which have sold a combined total of more than 3 million copies. He is co-founder of independent self-help publisher, New Harbinger Publications. He was the clinical director of Haight Ashbury Psychological Services in San Francisco for twenty five years. He is current director of the Berkeley CBT Clinic. An accomplished novelist and poet, his poetry has appeared in two volumes from Plum Branch Press and in more than sixty literary magazines. His most recent novel, Wawona Hotel, was
published by Boaz Press in 2008.

Reviews

[Mohammad · Rating 4 out of 5]

ارتباطات نقش بسیار مهم کلیدی رو در زندگی ما ایفا می‌کنند
به نوعی ادراک ما از زندگی در گرو کیفیت ارتباط ما با خودمون ، دیگران و دنیای اطرافمون هست
متاسفانه ما در این زمینه آموزشی رو از منایع قابل اعتماد دریافت نمی‌کنیم و ارتباطات رو بطور تجربی و در خلال تجربه زیستن یاد میگیریم
ارتباطات در همه جنبه های زندگی ما تاثیر مهمی داره، از تصویری که از خودمون در ذهن داریم تا شخصی ترین روابط، تا انسجام اجتماعی و امنیت ملی ما گره خورده با ارتباطات هست
امروز ما ابزارهای بسیاری برای ارتباطات در دست داریم در حالیکه اصول ارتباطات رو یاد نگرفتیم
این کتاب که توسط متیو مک‌کی و همکارانش تالیف شده کتاب ارزشمندی برای آموختن و درک ارتباطات هست
مطالب این کتاب میتونه قابلیت کاربردی برای بهبود عملی کیفیت ارتباطات افراد داشته باشه و خوندنش رو به همه پیشنهاد میکنم

[Carlos Rendon · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked the first three chapters the most. These cover listening, self-disclosure and expressing. I found it helpful to discuss the many good reasons why we simply do not listen to those.around us. Listening is easy in principal. Deciding to care enough to listen is a different beast. I feel similarly about self disclosure. Finally, I found the formula for creating whole messages to be very useful in my personal life.

[Edie Babe · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book saved my ass on several occasions and will do many times more. It is practical, thought provoking and thorough in its teaching excellent communication skills and some of the things that go along with those skills. I highly recommend it to everyone - keep it at the ready and refer to it often when expression is what is required and your not sure how to go about it.

[Christian · Rating 5 out of 5]

Textbook but I think everyone should read this lol

[Akhil Jain · Rating 5 out of 5]

My fav quotes (not a review):
-Page 23 |"Nearly everyone has trouble listening openly. You don’t want to hear your sacred cows reduced to hamburger."
-Page 58 |"People scratch their heads in puzzlement, touch their noses in doubt, rub their necks in anger or frustration, tug on their ears when they want to interrupt, wring their hands in grief, and rub their hands in anticipation. They will put their hands on their knees to indicate readiness or on their lips to indicate impatience; lock their hands behind their back as a signal of self-control or behind their head as a statement of superiority; stick their hands into their pockets to hide their meaning; and clench their fists as a sign of anger or tension."
-Page 69 |"Begin by yawning—widely and loudly. Open your mouth as wide as you can and empty your lungs of air. Then inhale deeply. As you yawn, let your voice travel up and down the tonal scale. After a few minutes, try speaking while yawning."
-Page 139 "The broken record is a useful technique to use when you want to say no or otherwise set limits with someone who is having difficulty getting your message. You can use it to say no to your five-year-old, to tell a phone solicitor that you’re not interested in contributing to his charity, or to inform your enthusiastic hostess that you really don’t want a drink. The broken record is most handy in situations where an explanation would provide the other person with an opportunity to drag out a pointless argument. It has five steps: Clarify in your own mind exactly what you want or don’t want. Be aware of your feelings, your thoughts about the situation, and your rights. Formulate a short, specific, easy-to-understand statement about what you want. Keep it to one sentence if you can. Offer no excuses, no explanations. Avoid saying, “I can’t.” This is an excuse of the worst kind. The other person will probably return with “Of course you can,” and then proceed to tell you how. It’s much simpler, more direct, and more honest to say, “I don’t want to.” Review your statement in your mind. Try to get rid of any loopholes that the other person could use to further his or her own argument. Use body language to support your statement. Stand or sit erect, look the other person in the eye, and keep your hands quietly at your sides. Calmly and firmly repeat your statement as many times as necessary for the person to get your message and to realize that you won’t change your mind. The other person will probably come up with several reasons for not going along with your wishes. But most people run out of nos and excuses eventually. Don’t change your broken record unless the other person finds a serious loophole in it. You may choose to briefly acknowledge the other person’s ideas, feelings, or wishes before returning to your broken record: “I understand you’re upset, but I don’t want to work any more overtime.” “I hear what you want, but I don’t want to do any more overtime.” Don’t allow yourself to become sidetracked by the other person’s statements.
Here’s a dialogue that exemplifies the broken record: Customer: I bought this blouse here a couple of weeks ago, and I want to return it and get my money back. Salesperson: Do you have a receipt? Customer: Yes. (Shows it to the salesperson.) Salesperson: It says you bought the blouse over a month ago. That’s too long. How can you expect us to take back something you bought so long ago? Customer: I understand I bought it a month ago, and I want to return it and get my money back. Salesperson: This is highly irregular. Our store policy is that all returns must be made within one week. Customer: I understand that, and I want to return this blouse and get my money back. Salesperson: Given the policy, I would feel uncomfortable authorizing your return. Customer: I can appreciate your feeling uncomfortable about accepting it, but I want to return this blouse and get my money back. Salesperson: I could lose my job for doing such a thing. Customer: I hear your worry about losing your job, and I still want to return this blouse and get my money back. Salesperson: Look, I don’t want to take any chances. Why don’t you return it tomorrow when the manager is here? Customer: I hear you would rather have me come back tomorrow, but I want to return this blouse and get my money back now. Salesperson: You sound like a broken record. You’re unreal. Customer: I know I sound that way, but I want to return this blouse and get my money back now. Salesperson: Okay, okay, okay. Gimme the blouse.
A good rule of thumb is to try the broken record at least four times. You will feel awkward practicing this technique at first, especially if people respond by telling you that you sound like a broken record. But the results you get from this simple but powerful skill will convince you that it’s worth the initial discomfort."
-Page 142 "Content-to-process shifts are especially helpful when voices are being raised and both people are angry: “I see we’re both getting upset. It’s a touchy issue.” “We’re talking a lot louder and seem squared off for combat.” The trick is to comment on what’s going on between you in a neutral, dispassionate way so that your statement won’t be experienced as an attack."
-Page 142 "Alternatively, you can use a content-to-process shift to provide positive feedback: “I feel great about getting this problem resolved. We’re really communicating! I feel very positive about you right now.
-Page 143 I must be getting tired. Let’s go over this again, only more slowly.
-Page 143 There may be something to what you are saying … Let me think about it for a little bit.
-Page 144 Time-out. I’m upset right now. I know that I will be able to deal with this issue much more effectively tomorrow.
-Page 158 I feel frustrated by the old paradox: you need experience to get good jobs, but only good jobs give the right kind of experience. I think I have what it takes in terms of judgment, energy, and dedication. All I need is a chance to show what I can do. How about a three-month trial assignment?
-Page 159 "You can help your opponent save face by reframing the compromise as generosity rather than giving in."
-Page 184 "If you suspect that someone is superimposing a parataxic distortion on you, try the following. Ask him or her, “Do I remind you of anyone else in your life? Perhaps someone in your past?” If the other person says yes, then explore the similarities and differences between you and the remembered person."
-Page 185 "If the other person denies that you remind him or her of someone else, but you have an idea of who it might be, cautiously suggest the specific person: “Perhaps I remind you of some young girl out of your past, maybe your little sister. You sometimes treat me as though I were an eight-year-old playmate.” Sometimes the origin of a parataxic distortion escapes conscious awareness, and no amount of exploration will cause it to surface. That can spell trouble for any ongoing relationship."
-Page 191 "Let’s suppose you invited someone at the office to lunch. The person smiles and says, “Not today, but please ask me again.”
-Page 195 "Employ a little humor: “Do you mind talking to a man who’s lost?” “You could get old waiting for a table in this restaurant.” “I was looking for the manager, but I’d rather talk to you.
-Page 195 I’m starting to like the idea of a moratorium on high-rises. This street is a wind tunnel.
-Page 220 "She’s a stick-in-the-mud, never wants to take any risks!"
-Page 250 "Restate with more force: “Hey, George, I really mean it! I’m real sad and mad about these flowers.
-Page 268 "Ask if there is more that needs to be said: “I notice your shoulders were kind of hunched and you were staring at the floor while we talked about the kitchen remodeling. Is there something more that you feel about that?
-Page 270 "A blamer’s weapon is the pejorative attack. He or she aims at people’s vulnerable self-esteem in the way a Doberman goes for the jugular."
-Page 270 "Certain blamers have refined their strategy to an art. Some attack with a needling sarcasm that ostensibly seems funny but cuts deeply."
-Page 274 "Anger says, “I’m in pain and I don’t like it.” Blame says, “I’m in pain and bad people did it to me.
-Page 284 "Your plan should have six parts: a direct request, praise, trading, building in rewards, verbal and nonverbal appreciation, and consequences."
-Page 324 "A less abrasive option to giving a “no comment” response when asked about your opinion on a sensitive subject is to come back with a limited statement or a cliché. When asked why your marriage broke up, you can say, “Bad things happen to good people” or “It wasn’t meant to be” or “She wanted to live in New York and I didn’t.” When asked why you haven’t had children, you can say, “I guess it’s just not in the cards.” Most interviewers will get the message that this is something you would prefer not to talk about and will go on to the next question."
-Page 324 "If you feel the interviewer needs a gentle reprimand for asking an inappropriate question, you might try something like pausing, looking a little shocked, and saying, “Did you really ask me that?

[antoniees · Rating 4 out of 5]

najlepsza książka psychologiczna, jaką czytałam; pisana przystępnym językiem, poparta wieloma przykładami i ćwiczeniami. szczególnie ciekawe były fragmenty o schematach zachowaniowych

[Zoffix Znet · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolute gem of a book. The 340 pages of the book feel packed with 1000 pages worth of good information.

The book covers an impressive range of materials, while still covering sufficient ground and offering plenty of examples and exercises. Topics include: listening skills, self-disclosure, and effective expression; metamessages in the form of body language, elements of voice, and spatial relationships; exploration of hidden agendas and transactional analysis to avoid conflict; assertiveness training, fair fighting skills, validation strategies, and negotiation tips; skills for avoiding prejudgment and for making first contact; family skills and effective communication with children; public speaking skills, influence skills, and effective interview methods.

Two of the co-authors hold PhDs, and the content of the book does have the feel of well-researched and well-presented material. The book explores communications terms like paralanguage (e.g. voice tempo), metamessages (extra information encoded beyond actual word content), transactional analysis (messages framed in the adult, parent, or child forms), and parataxic distortions (prejudgment based on familiarity of a person to another one you know). While these elements may put off some of the readers, the book offers a wide range of skills useful for all people.

A must read.

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was profoundly helpful in cluing me in to many aspects of communication I did not inherently understand. The breakdown process they include in almost every section in the book was almost profound to read. Perhaps I grew up in an environment that didn't communicate well, but it was mindblowing to be given a systematic way to approach pretty much every situation imaginable. Things like, asking for a momentary delay to collect your thoughts. Sounds simple, but I had never realized I could ask for one - that doesn't mean I'm always granted it, but I at least feel confident and have some phrases stashed in my memory so I can rely on those. In today's world of layered communication through various forms of media, sometimes it's hard to know how to appropriately respond in any given situation. This book has everything in it, from asking for a time out, to how to validate someone else (which I found super useful in self-validating), and it even has a section on family communication styles, which gives you an idea as to whether your family communication style is healthy or dysfunctional. Highly recommend.

[Adam · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a fascinating and accessible look at oral and non-verbal communication, this book can't be beat. I think it's great to teach from and high schoolers find the explanations and activities accessible. A great suppliment to literature and a worthwhile addition to a course on communication.

[Amin · Rating 4 out of 5]

بسیار کتاب خوبیه در رابطه با مهارت‌های ارتباطی و کلی تمرین داره.
بنظرم صرفا خوندنش (حتی اگه تمرین نکنیم و مهارت‌هارو کامل بدست نیاریم) باعث افرایش درک ما از مسائل پیچیده‌ی انسانی میشه که باعث میشه در زندگی روزمره با دقت بیشتری به اون مسائل نگاه کنیم.

[Julia · Rating 2 out of 5]

a good book for beginners with regards to increasing communication and conflict resolution...

[Engy samy]

communication skills

[Krista]

Great compendium for basic to advanced communication skills. A must-have reference for the bookshelf.

[Ayoob Al Essa · Rating 4 out of 5]

باختصار الكتاب يمر على أنواع كثيرة من أبحاث التواصل
ومقسم إلى 6 أقسام أساسية تندرج منها فروع
أعجبني مهارة الإنصات ومهارات التواصل مع الأطفال

[Mahnoor Salman · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good book

[K Hue · Rating 5 out of 5]

Deserves to be read and re-read and re-read...

[Tony Loyer · Rating 1 out of 5]

Very repetitive and poorly structured. Really just petered off near the end and seemed to really go off track. I found a lot of the examples very unrelatable and quite a few of the suggested tactics in the book felt like they would be more antagonistic and frustrating to people if used as the book suggests. This sentiment was shared by several other people I know who read this book. I wouldn't recommend this to anyone looking to improve their communication skills, there are hopefully better books out there for this sort of thing. There were some habits listed here that I recognized in myself and it was helpful to see them listed to help me be more aware of the bad habits I have in conversing, but as far as conversation techniques, I found the book lacking and superficial.

[Luli · Rating 4 out of 5]

4 ⭐️
Me costó muchísimo leer este libro, se puede decir que dos años desde que lo empecé, me di tiempo de leerlo muy de a poco al no ser muy entretenimiento que digamos. Es un libro reflexivo, lleno de trucos sobre cómo relacionarse de la mejor manera posible y así estar bien con el entorno y potenciarse uno mismo, no es el estilo de libro que venía leyendo pero sí del que quiero seguir leyendo a futuro.

[Sam · Rating 4 out of 5]

A highly instructive book! As a Martian, I've always had trouble communicating with humans. But this is an excellent introduction to what humans want and expect from personal interactions. How to make yourself understood, ways to approach conflict, negotiation, validation, why you should feel comfortable with approaching strangers; it's all covered. Some of the chapters in the second half were not very helpful, like the one on digital communication. Still worth a read/listen regardless!

[Deniz · Rating 2 out of 5]

I liked the taxonomy of ways you can fail to listen to someone. The idea of speaking from "the parent", "the adult", or "the child" was interesting too. The first couple of chapters were informative. Other than that it's fairly long-winded and predictable.

[Mariazinha · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book about a subject that should be taught in schools to kids. The basics of communication and some advanced topics compiled in one book.
How different the world would be if we grew up to be adults who were able to communicate clearly with ourselves and others...

[Eda · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kitabın adı "İletişimin İncelikleri" olsa o kadar yakışırmış ki..

[Patrick Horgan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Helpful skills, though the book could be repetitive and disjointed at times

[D · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is such a good book to keep lying around, even after you’ve finished reading it. Easy to read. Plenty of examples to help you understand the concepts, too.

[Steve Brock · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was Stevo's Business Book of the Week for the week of 10/7, as selected by Stevo's Book Reviews on the Internet. http://forums.delphiforums.com/stevo1 https://amzn.to/2pELm4z

[Maxine · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book in my early 20's and it completely changed how I related to other people for the better!

[Alex · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very good book required for one of my classes. It helps not only in communicating with clients, but also in daily interactions with those in our lives.

[Sonia · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read!

[Jennine Lona Tiedemann · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every chapter contains so much value.

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very informative and helpful overview on several different types of communication.