Le bourreau intérieur: Comment ne plus se dévaloriser.

by Dr Elaine N. Aron

Elaine Aron follows up her bestsellers on the highly sensitive person with a groundbreaking new book on the undervalued self. She explains that self-esteem results from having a healthy balance of love and power in our lives.Readers will learn to incorporate love into situations that seem to require power and deal with power struggles that mask themselves as issues of love. From the bedroom to the boardroom, her strategies will enable us to escape feelings of shame, defeat, and depression; dissolve relationship hostility; and become our best selves.With Aron's clear, empathetic writing and extraordinary scientific and human insight, The Undervalued Self is a simple and effective guide to developing healthy, fulfilling relationships, and finding true self-worth.

Genres: Self Help, Psychology, Nonfiction, Personal Development, Audiobook, Personal Growth, Mental Health

346 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2009

Reviews

[Shelie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everyone has a part of them that is undervalued so this can be a valuable book for anyone. However, if you are someone who suffers from low self esteem due to life circumstances or natural disposition, this book may be a great help to you. It is a cognitive behavioral approach that assists with some of the self talk that causes us to undervalue. I recommend it highly.

[Mike · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've told a number of people how I have learned how to love myself. That's it's an active love. Not love that is earned, but rather given. It was an important step for me. I had always been very hard on myself, and the title of this book strikes me as the perfect description for it - I undervalued myself. This book helped me see what I was doing, and helped me learn concrete steps to handle it. For the first time, I was able to stop trains of thought that in the past would have sent me spiraling into anxiety and depression (this is not an exaggeration). For the first time I could start facing fears in a more mentally-balanced manner. The negative thoughts still come, but I now know how to respond to them. It saddens me that I've had to work through these issues at all; that I never had anybody to help me with this earlier in life. But I can handle that sadness now, in large part because of what I learned in this book.

[Jennifer · Rating 3 out of 5]

From my blog...[return]The Undervalued Self by Dr. Elaine N. Aron is written to help people realise everyone has an underlying self, that inner voice that proclaims one is not good enough or worthy and Dr. Aron's book sets out to help readers to identify the causes of the undervalued self and how to combat these causes. Dr. Aron has laid her book out in a very straight forward and easy to follow manner. She has broken the book down into nine chapters. The first two describe the undervalued self and what she refers to as ranking and linking and how these affect self-esteem in one's personal life. Linking would be good relationships one has whereas ranking refers to how one views oneself in the social hierarchy of life. Through numerous examples and self-evaluations, Aron helps the reader define one's undervalued self, the defensive mechanisms one employs and how to overcome them. Aron then delves into one's past and how one must look into the past to connect the dots to where one is today. Through a series of questions that lead to essays and deep thought, Aron helps the reader access, and hopefully heal from, any past traumas. Finally the book concludes with healthy linkings and then putting all the parts of the book together to create a whole. In short, The Undervalued Self by Dr, Aron is meant to help find one's true self-worth, quiet the inner voice of self-doubt, and focus not only on the conscious self, but the unconscious self.

[Lucy Pearlman · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’d trust her with my life

[Sara · Rating 4 out of 5]

Someone told me how much this book had changed their life, so naturally I had to read it! I don't know if it necessarily changed my life, but it was overall a good book and I can see how helpful this would be to anyone struggling with the kind of issues detailed in here.

I thought the author did a good job of breaking down the main issues that cause people to undervalue themselves, complete with explanations of ranking and linking and how these differ and impact various relationships. In short, the way we interact with others often inspires ranking, thoughts of comparison and how we fall short, whereas linking is trying to find commonalities so relationships can grow stronger and make you feel better about yourself because there is no comparison. There were some good suggestions for how to improve your linking skills in order to better handle situations where you interact with someone and typically are left to feel lesser than you'd like.

The other part I found especially interesting in here was when the author detailed self-protection strategies people either knowingly or unknowingly use to minimize their discomfort or hurt, such as minimizing, and how to respond to these defense mechanisms or overcome them. Some of these strategies are ones I've heard before but hadn't recognized them as a self-protection strategy someone else was employing. There are also some good suggestions for how to respond when you notice someone is employing these strategies, which was helpful too.

Certainly there are a lot of good points and suggestions in here for those looking to improve and willing to acknowledge uncomfortable automatic responses they have and take tangible steps to improve their responses, hopefully changing the way they think in the process.

[Janet · Rating 3 out of 5]

What an odd book. I picked it up because I value the author's previous groundbreaking work, "The Highly Sensitive Person," (and "HSP in Love") in which she explores a minority of the population (like me) who are prone to deep reflection and feelings of being overwhelmed by the world. Because she understands these special characteristics, which tend to be misunderstood as shyness and dismissed as signs of weakness in our highly competitive society, I thought for sure she'd have something groundbreaking to say here. And maybe she does, but I find her continual use of the terms "ranking" and "linking" so clinical it really detracts from her advise on how to free ourselves from constraints that limit our potential.
******************************************************************
Later upped my review to 3 stars--something I read about "attunement" stayed with me and I went back to this book and ended up discovering not only something more for myself, but also something to help me better understand a very important person in my life. I think the author is actually on to something good here in looking at love and power.

[Kevin Orth · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am a huge fan of Dr. Aron having been introduced to her by her ground breaking work studying and understanding highly sensitive persons.

As with other books by Dr. Aron, this is full of practical, applicable, engaging information that is directly and immediately applicable to daily life. Also in her usual fashion, she includes exercises and work for the reader to take a deeper dive into their own experience of the material and make a deeper connection to the deep meaning, true value, and directly applicable meaning of the material.

This book speaks to a broader audience than HSPs, discussing how we all experience ranking and linking and the value of be cognizant of this as well as the value of moving away from a ranking centric view of ourselves in relation to others and toward a linking perspective. Again, we call - HSP and not - experience this in every relationship. There is specific council on addressing the ranking/linking dynamic in primary relationships anyone and everyone would be well served having a deeper appreciation.
Highly recommend.

[Sandy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This compelling and simple read of a complex problem makes me want to read Aron's other book entitled, The Highly Sensitive Person. Although, Aron doesn't indicate she is a Jungian, she follows his theory to a T: she calls the inner child, the Innocent; she calls the negative aspects of the archetypes the Protector/Persecutor (btw, Kalshed labeled it the same way); and she describes the awareness and attentiveness to the unconscious as being requisite for a valued self. Very practical, clear and a good layman's read to better approach that which holds us back from living our own precious, authentic lives.

[Zoie · Rating 2 out of 5]

I have to admit that I mostly skimmed this book.

The writing was alright, and the book included a lot of interesting ideas, but it was really wordy.

I did, however, really enjoy the chapter about the "six self-protections." Useful information, for sure.

Overall, it was alright. I wouldn't recommend it to people, but it got it thinking about confidence and the things we do that hold us back in order to fit in or impress others.

[Wendy Reiersen]

This book is about linking and ranking. We need to connect with others and be accepted. We do also need to be aware of our place in the pecking order. Usually, we need more linking, and linking generally feels better. Seeking for linking and getting ranking instead doesn't feel good. So far (I've read the first chapter), this book explains a lot, and has the potential to be empowering.

[*Closed* · Rating 4 out of 5]

Should return to this one. "Undervalued Self" makes it sound as though one ought to read this book finding oneself in a poor situation mentally and socially- nothing could be further from the truth. Anyone would benefit from this gem. You will see your fellow humans in a new light reading it. A tad self- help'y, but look past that, because wealth of available insight is not to be missed.

[Megan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was a big life changer for me. If you’ve ever struggled with perceptions of your relationship and struggled to make “links” it could be stemming from an undervalued self. Understanding that our perception of a relationship as a “ranking” when it should be a “linking” as well as how to change that has transformed how I view many of the relationships in my life. Excellent information.

[Iris · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this book. Especially Elaines thoughts about competing with people vs making a connection with people where eye-opening to me. Just reading the book made me feel more 'connected' and less fearful. I will definitely read this book again.

[Kaydee Carr · Rating 5 out of 5]

I could not put this one down. Concepts were fascinating and immediately relevant to my life. Really helped me think about my own experiences, view of myself, and relationships with others in a new and healthier way.

[Louise Mathewson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very valuable book!! It was hard to read for me because it challenged my thinking side. I found the concepts of linking and ranking very, very helpful. It has challenged me to think about linking with people instead of undervaluing myself and withdrawing!

[Zi Ying · Rating 5 out of 5]

This could potentially be my personal bible.

[Jessie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some interesting insights about the effects of linking and ranking in inter-personal relationships. But not a lot of applicable suggestions.

[Marloes · Rating 3 out of 5]

*want to try the physical copy of this book

[Michaela · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book helpful, especially for HSPs and those of us who shy away from power and confrontation.

[Kya A. · Rating 4 out of 5]

I honestly really enjoyed this book. I love Aron's other book, The Highly Sensitive Person, and while that book was really for HSPs and those living and loving with HSPs, this book is an everyone book. Everyone has an undervalued self and I think this book is helpful in being more self aware.
The only thing I would say was that there were some concepts that could have fleshed out further. There were a lot of new, non-common ideas introduced at what seems like all at once.
Nonetheless, an incredibly honest and helpful book.

[Lady Katarina · Rating 2 out of 5]

I somehow found the solution to the undervalued self more about "others" than it is about one's self, and developing a connection with ourselves. Although, I liked the concept of linking and ranking but I think it may too rigid and it might be more helpful if it was a book about how to improve relationships with other people than anything else, it's still dependent on how society views us, and perhaps encourages us to keep the status quo. I might be wrong, but perhaps because I'm autistic I found it unhelpful.

[Jules · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a good book. The writing is in the same vein as Brené Brown, Ester Perell & Gabor Maté. The author does a good job describing our 'inner voice'. A large theme in the book explores how we respond to ranking and defeats in life. The author looks at some common 'self-protection' in ranking and some helpful ‘linking’ strategies people can use. There is a great section exploring the roles of the Inner Critic,

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Must read

This book is essential for anyone who wants to have healthier relationships with self and others through healing the historical trauma and temperamental characteristics that lead to unhealthy power over interactions with others. The information and practices are helpful and wise in their ability to address unhealthy ranking and lead towards better linking and then stronger interpersonal connections.

[MaryKay]

Favorite Quotes:

p27 "Most groups include a mixture of altruists and selfish types. So the group in which altruists can control the freeloaders and the selfish high-rankers will have the best chance of survival. For millions of years, the majority of people have been trying to control the few selfish individuals in their midst in order to elevate the welfare of all.

[Camilla Leurs · Rating 4 out of 5]

First book I've read that focused on the main aspects of ranking and linking in human relationships and our relationship to ourself.
Also interesting to learn more about the Active imagination dialogue with innocent and the projector/persecutor.
I listened to it as an audio book while driving and so will need to revisit to try and do the work that is required.

[Lynsea Montanari · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thoroughly enjoyed this book. The first half more than the second. However as someone who struggles with her self value I found this book helpful. There are concepts I’m already implementing. I think this could potentially be a good read for anyone.

[Vivi · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars I liked it, because it contained a lot of good and helpful advice, even though some things felt a little too out-there for me. I learned a lot about how I use to rank myself with others and that I should learn to link instead and this is the most valueable lesson I take from this book.

[Poetic Diva504 · Rating 3 out of 5]

great read

This book addresses dealing with the traumas that cause self doubt to creep in. The case points were extremely long winded, and I didn’t find them as useful as the bullet points in between chapters. Would recommend this book and also try another title by this author

[Stephen Long · Rating 5 out of 5]

Spectacular work. Primary ideas are spot on; the supporting material is very useful, too.

[LemontreeLime · Rating 3 out of 5]

I had forgotten that I hadn't finished this one and went back to do so. It's very good but didn't speak to me as deeply as I had hoped it would.