Making Great Relationships: Simple Practices for Solving Conflicts, Building Connection, and Fostering Love

by Rick Hanson

“50 simple, powerful ways to improve your relationships at home and at work” (Lori Gottlieb, author of Maybe You Should Talk To Someone), based on the latest findings in neuroscience, mindfulness, and positive psychology—by the New York Times bestselling author of Neurodharma and Resilient

Relationships are usually the most important part of a person’s life. But they’re often stressful and frustrating, or simply awkward, distant, and lonely. We feel the weight of things unsaid, needs unmet, conflicts unresolved. It’s easy to feel stuck.

But actually, new research shows that you create your relationships every day with the things you do and say, which gives you the ability to start improving them now. You have the power to make all your relationships better just by making simple changes that start inside yourself.

New York Times bestselling author of Buddha’s Brain and Hardwiring Happiness, Rick Hanson, PhD, brings his trademark warmth and clarity to Making Great Relationships, a comprehensive guide to fostering healthy, effective, and fulfilling relationships of all kinds: at home and at work, with family and friends, and with people who are challenging. As a psychologist, couples and family counselor, husband, and father, Dr. Hanson has learned what makes relationships go badly and what you can do to make them go better.

Grounded in brain science and clinical psychology, and informed by contemplative wisdom, Making Great Relationships offers fifty fundamental skills, including:

• How to convince yourself that you truly deserve to be treated well
• How to communicate effectively in all kinds of settings
• How to stay centered so that conflict doesn’t rattle you so deeply
• How to see the good in others (even when they make it difficult)
• How to set and maintain healthy boundaries or resize relationships as needed
• How to express your needs so that they are more likely to be fulfilled

With these fifty simple yet powerful practices, you can handle conflicts, repair misunderstandings, get treated better, deepen a romantic partnership, be at peace with others, and give the love that you have in your heart. Making Great Relationships will teach you how to relate better than ever with all the people in your life.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Relationships, Nonfiction, Communication, Audiobook, Personal Growth

258 pages, Kindle Edition

Published January 17, 2023

About the author

Rick Hanson, Ph.D., is a psychologist, Senior Fellow at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, and New York Times best-selling author. His seven books have been published in 33 languages and include Making Great Relationships, Neurodharma, Resilient, Hardwiring Happiness, Just One Thing, Buddha’s Brain, and Mother Nurture – with over a million copies in English alone. He's the founder of the Global Compassion Coalition and the Wellspring Institute for Neuroscience and Contemplative Wisdom, as well as the co-host of the Being Well podcast – which has been downloaded 23 million times. His free newsletters have 260,000 subscribers, and his online programs have scholarships available for those with financial needs. He’s lectured at NASA, Google, Oxford, and Harvard. An expert on positive neuroplasticity, his work has been featured on CBS, NPR, the BBC, and other major media. He began meditating in 1974 and has taught in meditation centers worldwide. He and his wife live in northern California and have two adult children. He loves the wilderness and taking a break from emails.

Reviews

[Jung · Rating 1 out of 5]

Simple strategies to build better relationships.

Our relationships with others – partners, family, friends, colleagues – can be the source of life’s greatest joy. They can also cause us grief, pain, and frustration. Many of us take our most satisfying relationships for granted. What’s more, we tend to view challenging relationships – with an irritating coworker or a former friend, perhaps – as fixed problems.

The truth is, there’s a skill to creating and sustaining great relationships, just as there are simple techniques you can use to troubleshoot and strengthen poor relationships or those that have hit a rough patch. And when we consider the outsize impact that our relationships have on our sense of well-being – not to mention the rewards that we derive from deep, meaningful connections – well, learning the skills and techniques to build nourishing relationships starts to seem pretty important.

In this book, we’ll explore how building a better relationship with yourself lays the foundation for better relationships with others, as well as proven methods for dealing with challenging relationships and effective communication techniques for resolving conflicts.
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Become your own best friend.

You’ve probably heard the saying, It takes two to tango. Essentially, no one person is responsible for the health of their relationship with another. So you might be surprised to learn that all the changes, habits, and practices for building better relationships you’ll learn in this book are focused squarely on one person – you. 

Here’s why: you can’t control the actions or behaviors of others. But changing the way you relate to the people in your life is entirely within your control. And it all starts with how you relate to yourself. In fact, this might be the most important relationship you’ll ever have.

Imagine a time when you were a really supportive friend to someone who was having a hard time. What did you do for them? Perhaps you encouraged them, gently rebutted their self-critical talk, reminded them how special they are, and spent quality time with them. Doing all this for your friend probably didn’t even feel too difficult – it’s second nature to support our good friends when they need us.

Now, imagine lavishing that kind of care, respect, and supportive encouragement on yourself. Does that seem just as easy? Probably not. But befriending yourself can actually allow you to build better relationships with others, too. 

Ready to learn a few techniques that will help you be a better friend to yourself? Great, let’s begin.

The first technique is about respecting your own needs. Often, we’re frustrated by our relationships because they’re not adequately meeting our needs. But encouraging others to meet your needs will be much easier once you also consciously try and meet your needs yourself. So try this exercise. Sit down with a blank piece of paper, and write two words at the top: 

I need …

Now, finish the sentence. What relationship-based need springs immediately to mind? Maybe you need your partner to pay you more compliments. That’s a valid need! Sit with that need for a minute. Does it go any deeper? How would having that need met make you feel? A compliment from your partner may give you a feeling of self-worth. More than the acknowledgment that your hair looks nice, this feeling of self-worth is what you’re really after. 

Once you’ve identified this deep-down need, ask yourself if you could meet it without relying on other people. Perhaps at the end of every day you could reflect on what you did well, and take a moment to appreciate your own capabilities and talents. When your needs are met, your cup is filled; it’s powerful to realize that you can fill your cup yourself.

Here’s another way to start becoming a resource to yourself: cultivate a calm centeredness. Even our best relationships can get rocky when we’re experiencing stress – maybe you’ve snapped at a friend after a poor night’s sleep or found yourself picking fights with your partner when a work deadline is looming. Feeling calm instead of stressed won’t magically solve any problems in your relationships. But it will help you put them in perspective and deal with them reasonably. 

If you’re feeling stressed, here’s a quick fix: take a deep breath. Really. Breathe in for as long as you can. Then, as you breathe out, match the length of your exhale to the length of your inhale. Slowing your breathing actually activates your parasympathetic nervous system, a network of nerves that promotes feelings of ease and relaxation. Sometimes a deep breath is all you need to take you from boiling point to cool, calm, and collected. When relationship flashpoints are triggered – your parent is overly critical, or your partner is giving you the silent treatment yet again – practice breathing slowly, in and out, before you take any further steps. 

Finally, let’s talk about forgiveness. Think about your friends. They’re all pretty great people, right? You wouldn’t be friends with them if they weren’t. But none of them are perfect. And when they make mistakes, you forgive them. So, guess what? Being a friend to yourself means learning to do something incredibly difficult – forgiving yourself when you inevitably make mistakes. 

How are you going to do this? You’re going to train yourself to be self-forgiving. Now, this exercise might be uncomfortable at first. Think about a time when you were in the wrong. Start small – an unkind remark to a friend, perhaps. Now, relive that incident. Face up to the facts of what happened, and be especially attentive to those facts that make you feel the most uncomfortable. It’s time to own up to your wrongdoing. On a piece of paper, finish this sentence: 

I am responsible for …

Next, draw some parameters around your feelings of shame. Finish this sentence:

I am not responsible for …

Things you’re not responsible for might include ways in which others misinterpreted or overreacted to your actions. These things are outside your control.

Wrap up the exercise by acknowledging the ways in which you have made amends for your mistake, and reflect on how it helped you learn and grow. Repeat these steps whenever you can find the time, and you’ll soon be extending the same compassion and forgiveness to yourself as you would so easily extend to others.

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Open yourself up to others through empathy and kindness.

In the previous section, we discussed the importance of self-love. Now, let’s think about how we can also turn love outward – toward those around us. 

As humans, we’ve been gifted with an incredible power – empathy, which allows us to perceive glimpses of other people’s inner lives and emotional states. Empathy also happens to be the foundation of great relationships. Where it’s lacking, misunderstandings and miscommunications inevitably arise. 

Train your empathy muscle by applying a respectful curiosity to the people around you. Notice what they’re saying and how they’re acting and, from here, try to understand what they might be feeling. What do you think is causing them to feel this way? If you find other people difficult to read, focus on their eyes – our eyes, and the many micromovements we make around them, tend to be our most expressive feature.

At the same time as you’re building your capacity for empathy, explore how you can make kindness your default mode. Kindness, as a general rule, begets kindness. If you approach others with warmth and consideration, they are likely to respond to you with the same. Make a list of ways to be kind that feel authentic to you. Small and simple things are best, like smiling at a neighbor or emailing an old friend to say hello. Include people you might not normally be kind to on your list – the person you speak to when you call a customer helpline, for example. At first, these very deliberate acts of kindness might feel superficial. But you’ll soon move from doing kind things regularly to simply being kind – and, in turn, inviting kindness from others.

It’s hard, of course, to be kind to everyone. But, as much as you are able, try not to put anyone out of your heart. We all have people in our lives who are, let’s say, challenging. A coworker who drives you up the wall, an aunt that always gets drunk and aggressive at family get-togethers. How can you extend kindness to these people? 

First, remember that kindness is not approval. You can be kind to someone without condoning their actions. Second, set boundaries to protect yourself – make it clear to your aunt that you won’t talk with her when she is clearly drunk. Finally, find a trusted friend you can vent to, so you can release your negative feelings about this person.

Remember, being kind and approaching those around you from a place of empathy and love doesn’t mean you should act like a doormat. In the next section, we’ll talk through some techniques for asserting yourself and your needs.

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Don’t avoid conflict – instead, navigate it well.

Even the healthiest relationships are marked by conflict and confrontation – in fact, if they weren’t, they wouldn’t be very healthy at all! But conflict can still be unpleasant. If you’ve ever felt flustered and anxious when a fight flares up, or if you find yourself exploding with rage whenever you’re challenged, you need to develop strategies to calmly and confidently deal with conflict. Here are a few to start with:

Find your footing – quite literally. In a fight, it can be hard to stay mentally grounded. Instead, pay attention to how you’re physically grounded. Force yourself to focus on the feeling of your feet on the floor. Take deep breaths, and tune into the physical sensations you’re experiencing – try and find the calm centeredness we discussed earlier. Next, try to find an even keel mentally. Return to the facts of the fight. Clarify what has been done, what has been said, and what the intent was behind those actions and words. You and your partner may not be seeing eye to eye, but if it’s safe to do so, establishing some key facts can at least get you on the same page. Finally, make a plan for dealing with the issues that arise in the conflict – it could be something concrete, like creating a chore roster for you and your roommates. It could be something more holistic, like committing to practicing meditation and breathing with the objective of being less frustrated by inconsequential irritations. Remember that your plan doesn’t have to include your partner in this conflict. Sometimes, they may be unwilling to work together with you, and it may simply be more productive for you to take your next steps alone.

Here’s another strategy: use anger as a tool – because that’s precisely what it is. Our anger has something to tell us. The only problem is, when we’re experiencing deep anger, we’re not well placed to listen to its message. So here are some questions to ask yourself:

What does my anger feel like in my body? Pay attention to the physical sensations that accompany anger, like clenched teeth or tight muscles, and learn to recognize them before anger fully takes over.

What is my anger trying to tell me? For example, if you’re snapping at others because you’re overworked, your anger might be telling you to start turning down work projects.

What is my anger trying to hide? Often, we lean into anger because we don’t want to face the other, more vulnerable feelings of hurt, jealousy, or regret underpinning it – but if we can’t work through these underlying feelings, our anger will never fully resolve.

Will I be able to work through these questions when I’m in the grip of anger? Probably not – at least not immediately. So, try and work through them after an episode of rage, and gradually bring more mindfulness into the way you experience anger. 

Going forward, make a commitment not to act from anger. You don’t have to stop feeling angry. But be purposeful in how you direct this useful emotion. For example, instead of reacting in the moment you feel anger, wait for a more appropriate time to talk through the issue firmly and clearly. Take a break when you feel a conversation getting heated. Speaking and acting out of anger takes the focus away from what you’re expressing and transfers it onto how you’re expressing it – when you take anger out of the equation, you can communicate clearly and focus on finding resolutions that work.

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Use your words.

Words matter. And fine-tuning the way you speak to others can bring radically positive results. So, in this last section, we’ll assemble a tool kit of easy-to-use verbal strategies that will encourage better communication across your relationships.

First off, ask questions – they signal a genuine interest in others’ experiences and feelings. Posing playful or personal questions, like “What was your first kiss like?” can deepen intimacy in friendships and romantic relationships. In a conflict, asking questions can take some of the heat out of intense exchanges. Questions like “What would it look like if you got what you wanted here?” and “Are there other things you want that haven’t been addressed?” can help move arguments toward productive resolutions.

Next, don’t rain on anyone’s parade. Aim to meet the ideas and interests of your spouse, friend, or colleague with general support – share practical concerns only when they’re relevant, and avoid a negative or dismissive tone entirely. Relationships work best when we feel our partners are co-enthusiasts who are open to the same possibilities we are. 

If someone else has a valid critique of your behavior, own it – but don’t dwell on it. Admit your failing, explore how your partner might support you to avoid that failing in the future, and then move on – without tit-for-tat recriminations. Here’s an example: “It was rude and disrespectful of me to look at my phone while we were talking. Going forward, maybe we can save relationship discussions for the evenings when I’ll be less distracted by work. Now, what do you think about ordering pizza for dinner?”

Talk about talking. Take time to check in with the people who are important to you about how you’re doing communication-wise. When communication gets rocky, focus on the future, not the past – say things like “Going forward, I’d like you to stop making comments about my body.” Be sure to also address any needs or preferences you have. For example, you could say, “I know people in your family talk over each other, but I feel flustered and uncomfortable when I’m constantly interrupted.” 

Tell people what you want. No matter how close your relationships are, other people aren’t mind readers – if you need something from them that they aren’t providing, tell them. But be specific. Instead of “I want you to do your fair share,” try saying, “It would help me if you did the laundry without me having to ask. Instead of “I want you to be more affectionate,” say something like “I’d like it if we held hands while we’re watching television.”

Finally, consolidate gains. When you’re communicating clearly and openly with others, you will resolve issues and find ways to move forward. Celebrate each small win, and don’t be tempted to move from one conflict to the next. Building great relationships takes time and work; you don’t want to destabilize your progress by focusing on everything that remains to be done. Instead, be inspired by all that you’ve achieved so far – and get energized by the achievements to come.

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Your relationships can be your greatest source of joy – and frustration. It’s natural that you want to change them for the better. But trying to change others can be an impossible task. Instead, focus on your own style of relating to others. This will not only improve your mental and emotional well-being – it will encourage those around you to do the same.

[Christina Luo · Rating 3 out of 5]

pretty basic / common sense stuff but i’m a fan of rick’s podcast and his voice on the audiobook is very calming. i’d say the latter half of the book is more valuable than the former.

[Brianna Davies · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really quite simple but also exactly what I needed. Almost entirely comprised of anecdotes, common sense, and thought exercises that I found really centering. There are a few exercises/habits in here that I’ve already started adopting that I’m finding useful! Everyone say hi to the wisdom council in my head composed of people who love me.

Nary a drop of theory in sight which was fine for me since I listened to the audiobook and would have found it difficult to pay attention to anything denser than this relatively fluffy book.

It’s a little heavy on the whole “stand by the ocean, be kind, look at the stars!” energy but sometimes you have to be reminded that you are just a person having a human experience and you have to take a breath.

[Rebekah Berlin · Rating 3 out of 5]

I love Rick. Is this his best? No. The first half of this felt like a little bit of a copy and paste from hardwiring happiness but the second half was new. Still worth the read.

[Leah · Rating 2 out of 5]

Pretty simple and boring TBH, I wouldn't recommend. It's a lot of common sense to me. I really haven't gotten anything out of it unfortunately.

[Kathy · Rating 4 out of 5]

There is not a person alive who can not benefit from knowing how to improve the relationships in their life. Rick Hanson, PhD, offers some practical knowledge as to how to make that happen.

Broken into short yet helpful chapters, the author offers readers new perspectives and 52 ways that they can honor theirselves, meet their own needs, and improve their relationships.

A very readable and interesting book, it gave me food for thought and personal change when held up against some of my own more challenging relationships. It's encouraging and exciting to be given the knowledge to break out of a rut and learn how to fine-tune your life for the better!

Well done and highly recommended!

My thanks to Harmony for allowing me to read and ARC of this book via NetGalley. Publication is scheduled for 1/17/23. All opinions stated in this review are my own and are freely given.

[Monica · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is divided into parts including Befriend Yourself, Warm the Heart, Be at Peace with Others, Stand Up for Yourself, Speak Wisely, and Love the World. Throughout, author Rick Hanson offers 50 brief thoughts on how to develop the many relationships in our lives.

I found Making Great Relationships a bit underwhelming and thought it read more like a magazine article. I was disappointed that opportunities to provide research-based advice were only offered as a referral to the author's previous books. I think this book offers a primer in mindfulness and self-inquiry that would be beneficial for those newer to the practice, but experienced meditators and yogis will find it lacking.

Thank you to Rodale Inc. and NetGalley for providing me with an advance readers copy to review!

[Greg · Rating 5 out of 5]

Overall really great book, with a lot of useful advice and ways to think about things. I was a little skeptical in some of the early chapters. He talks about feeling other's kindness and good intentions towards you, which is probably true for most people. I have had people in my life who are truly targeting me and trying to hurt me. I was reassured later when he addresses difficult relationships and people who are hurtful intentionally. I think this book has a lot of valuable things, and I can see it being one I revisit chapters of from time to time.

[Kristina · Rating 4 out of 5]

Solid 4 starts out of 5.

This book is compressed practical guide with 50 exercises and zero theory so not everyone will take it to their liking. I, for the most part, loved it.

“Part 1: Befriend yourself” was my favorite - it gives solid instruments to process one’s feelings and experiences as well as approach oneself with compassion.

Other 5 parts of the book were not life-changing but useful. I loved Rick Hanson’s exercises on:
- managing anger
- addressing your needs/boundaries and taking care of other people’s needs
- resizing relationships

Few chapters were just iterations of what author has written before and few chapters sounded like nonsense to me but overall - you can skip what you don’t like so it doesn’t hurt.

[Sharon Harder · Rating 5 out of 5]

Making Great Relationships casts bare the secrets of connection. Drawing upon decades of experience as a practicing psychologist and author, as well as a devoted husband and father, Dr. Hanson combines the scientific and the poetic in order to deliver an insightful guide to being with others. Making Great Relationships explores striking truths with gentleness--Hanson cloaks his sage advice in genial kindliness and clarity. At the same time, his words are frank, instructive, and dignified, creating a uniquely relatable discourse. One would be hard-pressed to find a better book on the subject of relating.

[Roy Turner · Rating 3 out of 5]

"The beneficial purpose of guilt, shame, or remorse is LEARNING, not PUNISHMENT - so that you don't make that mistake again. Anything that's not about learning is mainly needless suffering."

This score is not reflective of the quality of the book but of its usefulness to us.

This guy definitely gets it, and there are many gems in this book. However, we don't think reading this book will cause the switches in people's minds to flip like we need them to.

Read this book if you are even remotely curious. We are excited to look into the author's other books.

[Brooks · Rating 5 out of 5]

I only recommend this book for someone who wants to have a better relationship with themselves, or their partner, or a family member, or a neighbor, or a coworker, or a postal worker… Rick Hanson’s presence in our world continues to be a gift. Works really well as a daily reflection practice, for individuals or couples. As a psychotherapist, this book has given me more ways to talk about relationships to self and others with clients.

[Melissa H. · Rating 4 out of 5]

This gentle book is filled with some of the most helpful findings related to coping well, strengthening relationships, and increasing resilience. Hanson is a gentle guide and I find myself soothed by his words. This is the kind of book to keep around and pick up from time to time when you feel stuck or want to be more proactive in your relationships. It has so many good reminders that too many of us forget.

[Paul · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is quite good, and has lots of helpful ideas and suggestions. I like the short chapters and concise info. At the same time it doesn't seem meaty enough to address the deeper issues that may cause problems. So I"m conflicted about that. Nonetheless, this will be helpful for many readers.

I really appreciate the free ARC for review!!

[Nan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Great until the end when it got Very whoo whoo and liberal. Otherwise, made points I have heard in other books/life coaching courses and explained them in different ways that are more understandable. Also, gave the points sources and terms.

Mindfulness practices throughout (he doesn’t call them this but that’s what they are) which I found useful and practical.

[Sophia M. Davis · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helpful and insightful. Takes a Buddhist approach which is interesting. You can learn a great deal from this book about relationships in general, not romantic relationships per say but everyday relationships work, friends etc. good resource to read. Thank you NetGalley!

[Stephanie Veillon · Rating 5 out of 5]

What I love about this book over some other relationship - advice books is that it offers practical things you can actually start DOING right away. Plus, it's nice that you can jump around and read the chapters that are actually relevant to you and they each stand alone and make sense individually.

[Samantha · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked it a lot. I took notes as I read it, and took photos of some pages on my phone so I could read them later. I might even buy this - rather than borrow it from the library - so I can re-read at my leisure.

[Shaylynn Wichryk · Rating 5 out of 5]

He actually had some really amazing advice that I needed to hear/I think is helpful for everyone to know. I really enjoyed listening to it and discovering ways to go about communication with all types of relationships❤️

[Nancy Lewis · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lots of good stuff here. Much of it I have read elsewhere, but it's good to read it again.

[Paige Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful book. Well written and explains things clearly and makes things that feel complicated much more simple.

[Derek · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book overall. Very insightful on building relationships with people within our personal and work lives.

[Sheridan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Great read at any age! Wish I had it growing up...

[Jenna Jenkins · Rating 2 out of 5]

Felt very impersonal.

[Charlene Smith · Rating 2 out of 5]

read all of this before

If you have never read anything similar, read this. If not this is not for you, too much same old

[Sienna · Rating 4 out of 5]

It is simple, & that's good. Short chapters focused on real practices.

[Michael · Rating 5 out of 5]

Practical, wise, gentle, and powerful. Recommended.

[Meg · Rating 4 out of 5]

Book was pretty good. I love this author. He’s so great. Nothing super profound or life changing in the book- but all in all, helpful info for navigating all sorts of relationships.

[Rebecca · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very digestible intro to healthy relationships for people looking for a self helpy moment

[Andrius · Rating 4 out of 5]

Praktiška, išsami knyga apie bendravimą, santykius, žmones. Tik sakinių struktūra kliūna - vertimas galėtų būti dailesnis.