The New Vampire's Handbook: A Guide for the Recently Turned Creature of the Night

by Joe Garden, Scott Sherman, Janet Ginsburg

Being turned into a vampire is the easy part.
Actually becoming a vampire is far more difficult.

In today’s world of vampire-obsessed pop culture, misinformation abounds. A newly turned vampire who looks to movies and novels for answers to everlasting life’s questions will inevitably be reduced to a smoldering pile of dust. So whom can you, a neophyte immortal, trust to provide reliable information and proven strategies for leading your best and bloodiest existence? The Vampire Miles Proctor, editor of The New Vampire’s Handbook. In this definitive guide, the newly turned will find

• a head-to-toe look at your vampiric how to harness your new powers to dispatch mortal enemies, maintain your fangs, and embrace your vampirosexuality
• methods for luring prey, faking your way through meals, approaching other vampires, and creating a four-hundred-year financial plan
• tips on acting your “age,” behaving appropriately if you see a human you knew decades ago, and dealing with epic vampire feuds
• essential advice for blending in with the masses, from finding a coven to avoiding the media (and mirrors) to staying on top of the latest fashion trends
• the joy of scrapbooking

Plus helpful online resources, a glyph guide, renovation instructions for emergency lairs, a Ruling Families directory, nightly mantras, and personal anecdotes from The Vampire Miles Proctor’s nearly five hundred years of experience.

Welcome to the night.

Genres: Vampires, Humor, Fantasy, Horror, Fiction, Paranormal, Comedy

240 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2009

About the author

THE DEVIOUS BOOK FOR CATS

Cats have nine lives. Shouldnt they be lived to the fullest?

Domesticated does not mean docile. The ho-hum routine of sleep, eat, eat, and sleep is no way for any creature who ruled Egypt for a millennium to spend her day. Its high time felines everywhere woke up from their cat naps and grabbed lifes strings with both paws.

The Devious Book for Cats offers todays discerning kitties words of wisdom and advice on everything they need to know, from in-depth guides on cardboard boxes and catnip to a brief history of the Felinism movement. It provides fail-safe tips on waking a human when you want to get fed, choosing the purr-fect gift, staring like a pro, and making the most of superstitions. It also explains the undeniable allure of the Window, the terrifying specter of the Vacuum, and how you can groom properly in just the scant twenty-four hours allotted each day.

Cats: Discover the devious fun you can have when youre the one in charge!

JOE GARDEN is the features editor of The Onion. He has portrayed an angry file cabinet on a late-night cartoon, a morgue assistant on a straight-to-DVD film, and, with his wife, Anita Serwacki, has written for the Emmy winning cartoon WordGirl. He has one cat, Smartie, who is finally earning her keep, and had another cat, Tiny, whom he misses dearly.

JANET GINSBURG has worked as a field producer for The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and is a former staff writer for The Onion. She has also written or produced programs for the Discovery, Sci-Fi, and E! Entertainment channels, and her work appears in publications such as VIBE, Blender, and the L.A. Weekly. She was good friends with a cat named Q-Tip. She lives in Brooklyn.

CHRIS PAULS is a contributing writer for The Onion and does other stuff, too. He lives in Middleton, WI, with his wife and three cats, Freddie, Albert, and BB King.

ANITA SERWACKI is a contributing writer for The Onion and has written for the PBS animated series Word Girl. She was a music supervisor on the documentary The Kid Stays in the Picture and has been a DJ in N.Y.C. for many years, mostly on the burlesque circuit. Growing up, her family had a cat named Samantha who taught herself to use the toilet, which was weird. After just one week Samantha stopped using the toilet and never did it again, which was weirder. She currently lives in Brooklyn with her husband, Joe Garden, and her cats Bacon and Pokey. Tiny RIP.

SCOTT SHERMAN is a staff writer for Important Things with Demetri Martin on Comedy Central. He is a former contributing writer for The Onion and The Onion News Network, and has also written for the New York Times Magazines funny pages and the A&E television network. He lives in New York City.
"

Reviews

[Tracey · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Being turned into a vampire is the easy part.
Actually becoming a vampire is far more difficult."

Fun Halloween read.
Its silly, but funny. Easily read in one sitting.
For anyone interested in vampires, or doesn't like vampires, this is the book for you. This is written by a 'vampire' for new vampires. Quite witty.

[Kryptomite · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book for... reasons... and found it to be surprisingly complete. A to Z on how to live as a vampire. I feel many people gave this a poor review because they thought it was supposed to be laugh out loud hilarious throughout the whole thing, but it feels more like a book written by a vampire who has a sense of humor, as opposed to comedy for comedy's sake. I think it did a very good job of portraying a situation where vampires do actually exist, and was incredibly detailed. For that I'm giving it five stars. I found myself entertained and surprised by how thorough it was.

[CaroleHeidi · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not bad for a dip in and out book if you like vampires of the 'realistic'-not-sexy variety. A few laugh out loud gems that I really enjoyed for the first 75 pages or so.

Then it got old and it got old fast.

It felt like the authour(s) were trying way too hard to be funny and the comdey of the style and writing started to feel repetitious and flat and boring.

I gave up and I rarely give up on anything.

[Christine_v · Rating 2 out of 5]

When a friend told me that she had found a handbook for new vampires, I wanted so much to read it! I thought it was going to be fun..
But except for one or two entertaining bits, I found the rest of the book boring. It was like I was searching to find the good part. I didn't find it.
It's easily read but that's all. I'll return it gladly to my friend.

[Caspian B. · Rating 2 out of 5]

To be perfectly honest, I did not enjoy reading this book. The only reason it gets two stars instead of one is because some of the lore presented for vampires was interesting. Overall, though, I don't consider this to be a good book. The book is presented through the lens of a narrator, one Miles Proctor. I consider Miles to be rude and conceited, and reading the "Miles says" parts of the book was especially unbearable.

I would not recommend this book, to anyone.

[Tana Wakanda Jackson · Rating 4 out of 5]

A lot more enjoyable than the usual vampire fare I've read recently.

I especially liked how even though this was a purely satirical guidebook they did put effort in to developing some sort of lore, universe, and biology for their vamps.

Recommended read. ****

[Michelle Villmer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Outstanding guide for the recently turned. If your sire left you high and dry, this book is for you. It covers the basics from hygiene to clothing and more advanced subject matter like the high clans, hiring slaves and using familiars. Great resource for all undead⚰️👍🏻

[Jennifer Bourgeois · Rating 1 out of 5]

Cheesy

Half the stuff in the book too stupid. No MySpace anymore it is Facebook. Here is dhampir\ hybrids. I could write a better book.

[Stefanie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Fun, very fast read.

Recommended if you want to have fun and not think to much. Great book to read after something more emotional/time consuming.

[Jo · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought it was a funny and quick read. It was very entertaining and the included pictures and illustrations were brilliant. It is what every new vampire needs to know in a single book!

[Leigh Wilson · Rating 3 out of 5]

Informative - a must-read for the new vampire who has been left to figure out vampiring all on their own.

[Mistress of the Bleeding Sorrow · Rating 2 out of 5]

Δεν ξέρω πως να το βαθμολογήσω... 😅
Χαζομαρίτσα ως επί το πλείστον, αλλά έχει μερικά πετυχημένα αστεία εδώ κι εκεί.

[Francesca Birch · Rating 3 out of 5]

The style is a bit choppy but is a fun easy read

[Dorene · Rating 5 out of 5]

Simply hilarious and worth reading every page.

[Neil · Rating 2 out of 5]

Fun at first but it gets boring quickly, there were a few funny pictures though. Decent quick read but nothing special

[Storm K · Rating 4 out of 5]

a really good book about vampires as if they were real!

[Mouselet · Rating 2 out of 5]

As you can easily guess, this handbook is a humorous fiction, playing off vampiric stereotypes and pop culture. However, I feel I've seen better examples of this type of book.

I didn't care for the photographs of people wearing fangs, pretending to be vampires in various situations. I felt that they were somewhat out of place, especially the awkward photographic headshot of the purported author, Miles Proctor, that appeared throughout the book in little popup sections of "Miles Says".

The next slipup, for my enjoyment purposes, was how low some of the humor sunk. Seriously, if you're going to develop your own vampiric canon, why would you choose for waste to be eliminated through the feet? It's so bizarre and distasteful.

However, the biggest mistake in the book are the dated references. Oh sure, we'll still be making fun of the Twilight fandom for years, but are people going to know who Bono is, or what he looks like? I'm not great with identifying celebrities anyway, and I didn't realize who that particular photo was of until it was explicitly stated in the next paragraph. Several of the references were already dated enough to be jarring, yet the book is only seven years old at this time!

Overall, I don't regret reading The New Vampire's Handbook, but I'm glad I bought it used and I will certainly not be keeping it. I'm sure several other friends of mine will get a few laughs out of it, but I don't think any of them will keep it either.

[TheVampireBookworm · Rating 4 out of 5]

Since the previous books from my reviews didn't repel you and you now need some pointers when it comes to your new undead life because the tall, dark and handsome probably left you, you are lucky to have this book at your disposal.
It will tell you a lot. And by a lot I mean everything. The Vampire who wrote this took into account the flood of newly created vampires without their sires to teach them all about their new lives. He was alarmed by the lack of experience the American vampires had, hence the book.
Every aspect of vampire's life is described in the book. From the creation, through some disturbing news about excretory system, to the ruling families in the vampire world.
The book is funny and very educational. It does not leave any single aspect of vampire's life untouched. You will find yourself swept by the tide of laughter. In spite of it's awesome detailed descriptions and helpful diagrams, I must confess, I hated the photographs in the book. They seemed too unrealistic and too forced. The drawings were OK but the photos made the book look too cheap and I bet many readers actually declined to read this because of the visuals.
Many readers judge books by the pictures, I can assure you. Which means many people were robbed of fun in this case.

[Micha Meinderts · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked the werewolf version better, which is funny because I prefer vampires. The way this book describes the vampire life is far less glamorous than usual, nights are mostly spent hunting. Doesn't seem too great. Also a few other details that the authors made up I didn't really care for.

Furthermore, it seems to be really sexist. All the great vampires are male and women don't seem to be featured at all in vampire life, unless in a typically female setting. Positive point is the few references to (male) homosexuality.

All in all an entertaining little book, where it was sometimes clear that certain things followed from a desire to be funny rather than being accurate.

[chucklesthescot · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really enjoyed reading this book. It is the ultimate guide for the newly turned vampire to help you to adjust to your new undead life. It has tips on feeding, where to live, how to survive vampire slayers, things to avoid, handy websites, how to use your new strengths and combat your weaknesses. It has stories from your vampire host about mistakes he has made and tips on how to make the most of a natural disaster.

It is fully illustrated and these cartoons are very funny. There is a good mix of humour and the how to guide is excellent. It is the best book of its kind that I have read and I recommend it to vampire fans.

[Tamara Eaker · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book came out shortly after the zombie survival guide and works from the same basic principle. It's a "How to, for beginners". It gives the reader, and recently turned vampire, all the information you could possibly need to start out your new life as a vampire. I think I bought this book shortly after reading the twilight series, so I was obviously obsessed. I liked this book, it was fun to read and quirky in info. I really enjoyed the fact that the authors were not to serious about the information that was put into this book, and they could poke fun at the stereotypes around vampirism.

[Carrie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Neat little book that both makes fun of Twilight (sort of, and only a little bit), and references 'real' vampire lore. One of the first books like this that I actually enjoyed and breezed right through.

[rebecca · Rating 5 out of 5]

you never know when you're going to run into a kid you knew decades ago, when you were five years old, who is somehow still only five years old, because somehow at the age of five he turned into a vampire. i'm just saying. wouldn't you like to be prepared?

[Hikaru · Rating 4 out of 5]

Pretty humourous "guide" for what you need to prepare yourself for after being turned into a vampire. Pokes fun at Twilight, Anne Rice's vampires, and a few other mythological things about vampires. A neat little read.

[RACHEL · Rating 3 out of 5]

I forgot that I had previously read this book. It's incredibly readable in that the pseudo-science, life-lessons, and advice within is very witty but incredibly forgettable in that it's a basic fictional how-to-guide and most follow the same format.

[N.L. Riviezzo · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book presents real vampire lore from a comedic perspective. While entertaining, I found it a little too silly for my liking.

[Alycia · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is funny as hell & I highly recommend this for anyone who likes vampires and has a sense of humour. :)

[Schnaucl · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was an amusing read. There were tips about things like making sure you keep up with the current trends and fashions, how to pass as a family, etc. I was entertained.

[Polynyas · Rating 1 out of 5]

Boring.

[Antonia · Rating 3 out of 5]

A funny book, that caught my attention immediately. It was fast-paced, with some hilarious moments. A bit naive at some parts, but not tiring at all. I generally enjoyed it.