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Powerful Phrases for Dealing with Difficult People Lib/E: Over 325 Ready-To-Use Words and Phrases for Working with Challenging Personalities
Incompetent, lazy, spotlight-hogging, whiny, backstabbing, avoidant--there's no end to the personality challenges that impede workplace relationships. But interacting effectively with employees, colleagues, and bosses is essential for success. With "Powerful Phrases for Dealing with Difficult People," anyone can confront problems head-on, before they fester and spread. Practical and easy to use, the book helps you identify button-pushing situations and deploy simple phrases to regain control and resolve conflicts--no matter who you're dealing with. Helpful features include: - Thirty common personality traits, behaviors, and workplace scenarios along with the phrases that work best with each - Nonverbal communication skills to back up your words - Sample dialogues that demonstrate how phrasing improves interactions - A five-step process for moving from conflict to resolution - "Why This Works" sections that provide detailed explanations Like it or not, the bulk of our waking hours are spent with people at work. This book's pithy, powerful communication tips will make those hours far more harmonious and productive.
Audio CD
First published January 1, 2013
5741 people are currently reading
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About the author
Renée Evenson
18 books10 followersRENÉE EVENSON has worked in the customer service management field for over 30 years, including nearly two decades as a customer service manager and trainer at BellSouth Telecommunications. She has a degree in organizational psychology and is the author of Customer Service Training 101, Customer Service Management Training 101, and Powerful Phrases for Effective Customer Service.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 101 reviews
September 20, 2016
The book talks way too much about how one feels. If someone is reading this book, it is certain that he or she works in a difficult work environment. In such a hostile environment, the last thing people care about is how they make you feel. Talk about "I felt distracted when you did this or that." Now that just sounds pathetic. Anyone with a few years of corporate experience can tell you that. You try to focus on work and stay away from personal feelings. I wanted some advice on how to direct people to focus on the assignments and this book reads like a therapy session where the therapist is trying to teach the client how to communicate with an abusive spouse. Not useful at all.
January 19, 2015
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
August 7, 2021
There are some good scripts on how to have a conversation with difficult people - identify the problem, state it in terms of how it affected you (e.g., when I was giving my presentation and you interrupted, it threw me off), acknowledge how the other person may feel (e.g., I know you had some concern), offer a solution (e.g., can you hold on to your comments until the end), and ask for agreement (e.g., I'll make sure there will be time at the end of my presentation to discuss your concerns). Some advice is questionable, like use peer pressure (e.g., wiping your nose to signal to the brown noser that the behavior is not acceptable to the group). Who would do that in a professional setting?
July 22, 2019
This really is a basic book about conflict resolution in the workplace. The promised 325+ words and phrases were not what I was expecting.
Positive: Grouping the phrases into types: "Word of understanding," "words of compromise," etc. could be helpful as a reminder to try to include them all as necessary. If you need a basic overview of conflict resolution this could potentially help.
Cons: The audio book was not well edited. It was also incredibly repetitive, as the scenarios were repeated with slight changes to illustrate how to use the different types of phrases. This would probably be less irksome in print, where you could skim the text.
The biggest problem was how unrealistic the sample dialogues appeared. For these phrases to work, you need two people who are actually interested in solving a problem and moving forward. If that's your situation, maybe this book would help. In several examples, the author said something like "this type of person often doesn't change their behavior" but then employs the model dialogue, to which the problematic person immediately responds.
Positive: Grouping the phrases into types: "Word of understanding," "words of compromise," etc. could be helpful as a reminder to try to include them all as necessary. If you need a basic overview of conflict resolution this could potentially help.
Cons: The audio book was not well edited. It was also incredibly repetitive, as the scenarios were repeated with slight changes to illustrate how to use the different types of phrases. This would probably be less irksome in print, where you could skim the text.
The biggest problem was how unrealistic the sample dialogues appeared. For these phrases to work, you need two people who are actually interested in solving a problem and moving forward. If that's your situation, maybe this book would help. In several examples, the author said something like "this type of person often doesn't change their behavior" but then employs the model dialogue, to which the problematic person immediately responds.
May 25, 2021
This book was at best, worthless, at worst, actively cringe-inducing.
August 3, 2014
Overall this is a decent book to give you a handle on how to deal with people in a way thats closure to productive. Having worked in a variety of companies, situations and for different managers, I gained value from most sections in this book. Some of the phrases that are used may seem somewhat silly to say, but they are useful and you can look to tailor a phrase to keep the same tone and meaning, but be more in your style of talking.
Three areas where I believe the book falls short. First, in the conflict resolutions and using the phrases, the situation always resolves in a positive manner. There are just some instances and situations where the person, especially with some of the personality types, that are just not going to be so understanding even if you are using all of the right phrases. I wish the book would take some time to delve into that area and how it can be handled.
Second is in dealing with unethical behavior. Whether it is a boss or a colleague, there are more implications than the author touches on beyond just getting fired. In many industries, especially those which are under some form of regulatory scrutiny - which is a lot - there are legal implications to no reporting the behavior, regardless of your involvement. Sometimes you have no choice but to report the behavior, especially in industries such as a Pharma or financial company. And most of those companies should have something in place to allow you to report it without reprisal.
Which leads me to the third area, reprisal. Whether from a boss or colleagues, reprisal unfortunately is something else to deal with and it can be tricky. Especially when its from unethical behavior. An area that I think should be covered in this book.
Overall, its a good basis for giving you the tools to better handle any relationship. It would be good if the book to take it a little further and touch on these other topics.
Three areas where I believe the book falls short. First, in the conflict resolutions and using the phrases, the situation always resolves in a positive manner. There are just some instances and situations where the person, especially with some of the personality types, that are just not going to be so understanding even if you are using all of the right phrases. I wish the book would take some time to delve into that area and how it can be handled.
Second is in dealing with unethical behavior. Whether it is a boss or a colleague, there are more implications than the author touches on beyond just getting fired. In many industries, especially those which are under some form of regulatory scrutiny - which is a lot - there are legal implications to no reporting the behavior, regardless of your involvement. Sometimes you have no choice but to report the behavior, especially in industries such as a Pharma or financial company. And most of those companies should have something in place to allow you to report it without reprisal.
Which leads me to the third area, reprisal. Whether from a boss or colleagues, reprisal unfortunately is something else to deal with and it can be tricky. Especially when its from unethical behavior. An area that I think should be covered in this book.
Overall, its a good basis for giving you the tools to better handle any relationship. It would be good if the book to take it a little further and touch on these other topics.
February 3, 2020
A basic book about conflict resolution at workplace. I had higher expectations given the topic, but I was disappointed to see that it was a bit superficial. Always the proposed "phrase" or solution was accepted and the conflictual colleague had zero contra arguments. A bit too idealistic and too simple. A relaxing audiobooks to listens to while cleaning the house. :D
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
February 10, 2019
This was a practical collection of best practices and pointers for handling a wide variety of problems- it was a good read to remind myself that it is ok to expect and demand some small measure of respect and decency at work after seven years in customer service had beaten that out me.
Read
November 16, 2017A useful book with plenty of examples and material to use. The examples whilst good, do rely on the engagement being with reasonable persons which unfortunately is not always the case.
Read
February 21, 2023Bite-sized truths and tactics for managing conflict with difficult coworkers and bosses.
Brownnosers, credit-stealers, meeting-monopolizers, gossips, bullies – the workplace can be full of difficult people. And whether it’s your coworkers, bosses, or even yourself on occasion, these difficult people are bound to create some kind of conflict in your life.
In this book by Renée Evenson’s Powerful Phrases for Dealing with Difficult People, we’ll dive into tried-and-true tactics for dealing with a variety of challenging situations. Using a simple, five-step process and some powerful phrases, you’ll learn to expertly navigate through conflict – keeping your work relationships intact and showcasing your communication skills in the process.
---
Some basic rules
Tense relationships at work typically don’t just solve themselves.
Chances are, if you’re wondering whether Phil three cubicles down has been giving you the cold shoulder, he probably has. And if you have some hard feelings toward Linda in quality control, she’s probably aware of it on some level. These things don’t usually go undetected.
The good news is, there are a few simple rules you can follow to smooth the way for a productive conversation – even if you’re not great with conflict.
Rule one? Never say never. That is, don’t start conversations with “always” or “never.” Take a second to think about the last time you messed up. Maybe someone came to you with an always or never statement like, “You never put your coffee mug in the dishwasher.”
Did that statement make you feel like putting your coffee mug in the dishwasher? Or did it instead make you feel like defending yourself ? After all, you do put your coffee mug in the dishwasher most of the time!
A better alternative would be something like, “Hey, I ended up doing dishes today, and it cut into my lunch hour. Would you mind putting your mug in the dishwasher next time?”
And this leads us to the second rule: don’t start conversations with “you.” In the coffee mug example, saying “You never put your coffee mug in the dishwasher” sounds like an accusation – so it puts you on the defensive. On the other hand, offering an “I” statement gives you a chance to see how your actions affected someone else.
In the next section, we’ll explore some common phrases you can incorporate into your conflict conversations.
---
The powerful phrases
The right words can make all the difference in resolving or fending off conflict. You’ll soon learn the five steps to working through conflict with an annoying boss, workplace bullies, and even yourself when you’re the one in the wrong.
But first, here are some phrases you’ll need for each of those steps.
Your “I” phrase has ideally opened up the conversation and made it possible for the offending coworker to hear your issue and respond calmly. So once they’ve had a chance to share their side of the story, you’ll need a phrase of understanding – something like, “I realize that you didn’t do it on purpose” or “I understand that you didn’t mean it to sound that way.”
A phrase of understanding shows Linda that you’re willing to believe the reason she gives – which probably isn’t that she’s trying to outshine you in the conference room.
Phrases of apology are another useful tool. They don’t have to mean that you’re in the wrong. Instead, they’re simply there to create an opening in a situation – to acknowledge that things haven’t gone ideally up to this point, and that you’d like to share the responsibility. These could include something like, “I’m sorry if I seem overly sensitive” or “I’m sorry if I misunderstood your intent.”
Next up are phrases of compromise. These statements help you transition into the problem-solving part of the conversation. They’re designed to help you share ownership of the solution with your coworker. Saying “Can we talk about what happened?” or “Let’s talk this over and find a suitable compromise” shows you have an open mind.
Once you’ve come to a shared solution, you can wrap up with a phrase of resolution – “I’m happy we could resolve this” or “I’m thrilled we were able to come to an agreement.”
And finally, follow up with a phrase of reconciliation. Here’s one example: “I value our working relationship. Going forward, I think we’ll be able to work through any problem.” You could also say, “I understand you better now, and I hope you feel the same about me.”
Feel free to use these phrases as they are – or come up with your own variations that serve the same purpose and intent.
---
The power of body language
Your conflict-management toolbox is almost full, but there’s one thing left to discuss before tying it all together in the five-step process – and that’s what you don’t say.
Nonverbal communication can completely change the meaning of your words. The wrong tone, facial expression, or posture can put a different slant on what you’re trying to say. So it helps to keep a few key things – many of them common knowledge – in mind.
For starters, don’t fold your arms over your chest. Try to have a good, casual posture with your arms at your sides or hands lightly clasped in front of you. Hold your head up. Make eye contact, but bounce away once in a while so you don’t come off as too intense. Don’t fidget; instead, use purposeful gestures.
Make sure your facial expression is relaxed. If your resting face tends to be a little stern, then turn up the corners of your mouth like you’re preparing to smile. In terms of your tone of voice, try to keep it calm and steady – and don’t talk too fast.
Other people’s behaviors can teach you a lot about how you’re being perceived. So during your conversation, pay attention to the person you’re speaking with. Notice how they respond, and tailor your behavior to the situation. If your coworker has slumped shoulders, they may not be feeling confident. Take that into account, and do what you can to help them feel comfortable.
If you notice your coworker is backing away from you, give them some space – literally. If you notice your coworker getting angry, take a breath and try to diffuse them with a phrase of understanding – or take a break and reconvene later.
If any of this feels challenging, practice in front of a mirror! You don’t want to be fake and insincere in the heat of the moment. Being able to deftly and authentically manage your emotions and behavior during a conflict is a learned skill, and practice definitely helps.
---
The 5-step process
Resolving conflict is a five-step process. We’ll pair each step with an example to help put it all together.
The first step is to think.
Tom felt his face go hot in the meeting as Mark took credit for his idea.
In this moment, Tom has a problem. But he’s in a meeting; it’s not the time or place to speak up. After the meeting, he goes back to his office, fuming. He thinks about confronting Mark in front of the whole office and calling him out. Upon further consideration, he realizes that he has to keep working with Mark – and he doesn’t want to have a tense relationship with him forever.
The second step is to get a better understanding.
Tom calms down. Later, he sees Mark getting coffee and approaches him: “Hey, Mark. I have to say, it caught me off guard when you shared that idea in the meeting. I mean, it was my idea, and now I won’t get the credit I deserve. What exactly happened in there?”
Tom started with an “I” phrase, explaining how he felt and how Mark’s behavior affected him. Then he opened up the floor for Mark to explain.
The third step is to define the problem.
Mark says, “Hey, I just wanted to make sure the idea got heard. It doesn’t matter whose it is.”
Tom is prepared for a little pushback or a denial. He’s not going to take the bait and feel belittled for caring about credit. “Actually, it does matter whose idea it is. Yes, we’re all working together toward the same goal. But around here, people get recognized and rewarded for good ideas.”
Mark’s smug expression fades. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. In that moment, I guess I saw a chance to get on the map, you know?”
Tom further defined the problem using a patient and calm tone of voice; he was assertive but not aggressive. As a result, Mark opened up and was more honest.
The fourth step is to offer your best solution.
“I understand that you wanted to say something valuable in the meeting,” Tom said. “But it came at my expense. Let’s talk about how we can solve this so it doesn’t happen again.”
“OK, sure,” Mark says. “I just won’t share your ideas as my own anymore.”
“That’s great. And if you’ve got ideas of your own but you’re not sure whether to share them, I’d be happy to workshop them with you. Of course, I’ll step aside while you share your ideas in the meeting.”
Tom used a phrase of understanding to help Mark feel heard and find some common ground. He maintained his assertiveness and used a phrase of compromise to encourage Mark to agree to a solution.
The fifth and final step is to agree on the resolution.
“So, going forward, we both agree to give credit where credit is due,” Tom says. “I’m thrilled we could resolve this. I value our working relationship and want it to continue in a positive light.”
The two men shake hands and go their separate ways.
Tom employed phrases of resolution and reconciliation to bring the conversation to a positive ending.
Every conversation might not go as smoothly as it did in this imaginary scenario, but using the five-step process will help you reach resolutions and maintain coworker relationships in real life.
---
Exceptions to the rules
Every rule has an exception. Sometimes you can skip step two – getting a better understanding – because some behaviors just don’t require you to gain an understanding.
In the case of brownnosers, you may not even need to talk to them. If their brownnosing is just an annoying habit, it will likely get teased out of them by other coworkers. However, if they’re achieving unfair advantages due to their excessive flattery, your problem isn’t with them – it’s with your boss.
If you do decide to confront the brownnoser yourself, skip the understanding and get straight to the problem. For instance, if the offending coworker is being allowed to show up late and forcing you to make up their work, this behavior is unacceptable and should be addressed as such. Here again, you’ll likely need to speak to your manager.
In the case of bullies, you don’t need step two either. Their behavior needs to stop. They probably have some psychological or sociological reasons for their behavior, but that’s not your problem. At work, you have the right to defend your boundaries and be treated with respect. Skip to step three – defining the problem – and proceed from there.
Any behavior that is in and of itself wrong or unacceptable doesn’t require step two to resolve. In the workplace, it’s everyone’s responsibility to manage their own behavior. And when they don’t, you have the right to speak up.
---
Dealing with a difficult boss
Believe it or not, the same five-step process applies to dealing with a difficult boss. You’ll just need to employ a little more tact – and approach carefully.
Before addressing your boss, first decide whether their behavior is frequent or offensive enough to warrant a confrontation. If you feel you can ignore their behavior, do that – and focus on doing your job the best you can.
But if you need to approach your boss, be sure to show respect for their time. Schedule a meeting. Use your “I” statement to open up the conversation. Be assertive, but lean into the phrases of understanding. Make your solution more of a suggestion than a hard line … unless the situation warrants a hard line.
In some cases, it may be important to know when to leave. If your boss is a bully, you can try conflict resolution. But if the situation doesn’t improve, there’s nothing wrong with updating your resume. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect in the workplace.
In the case of an unethical boss, take a look at your workplace culture. If it’s a culture that tolerates unethical behavior, it may not be the place for you.
---
When you’re the problem
The trickiest situations occur when the offending coworker is you.
The problem with being the problem is that other people may not know how to skillfully address their conflict with you. For instance, you may be approached by someone who didn’t take the time to think, understand, or define the problem. They may simply walk up and say, “Hey, you just let the door slam in my face, you insensitive jerk. What’s the matter with you?”
In this situation, fight the urge to lash back. Instead, take a breath – and, if you’re still not calm enough, walk away until you are. If you are calm, though, you can initiate a different variation of the five-step process.
First, check your posture, get control of your facial expressions, and speak with a relaxed, controlled tone. Given the situation, you may want to begin with a phrase of apology to open the door to understanding: “I let the door slam in your face? I had no idea. I’m so sorry!”
Your coworker counters, “You saw me there – I saw you look over your shoulder at me. I’m not just going to allow people to treat me like that.”
We’re still in step two, understanding the problem. You might use a variation on a phrase of understanding by saying, “I wouldn’t allow people to treat me like that either. You have every right to expect more respectful behavior.”
“Yeah,” she might say, starting to calm down. “In my last workplace, I was the only woman on the floor. The men there got a kick out of refusing to hold the doors for me. They said I should be treated equally. It was obnoxious.”
She just defined the problem for you. You might say, “Yeah, that’s really obnoxious. Let’s talk about this so it doesn’t happen again. Do you mind hearing my side of the situation?”
She says, “Sure.”
Now you can move into offering a solution: “Sometimes, I get lost in my thoughts. I’m sure I glanced over my shoulder, but I truly don’t remember seeing you. Again, I’m very sorry. I’ll try to be more present when I’m moving from place to place.”
“Thanks,” she says. “And I’ll try not to assume you meant anything by it next time.”
“Well, hopefully there won’t be a next time,” you reply. “I’m glad you confronted me. I wouldn’t want things to be weird in the office.”
See what you did there? You just defused your coworker’s anger by keeping yourself calm and looking for an opportunity to take responsibility for the wrong – or perceived wrong – you incurred.
---
You have more power than you think when it comes to dealing with difficult people at work. To keep your relationships healthy and tension-free, use “I” phrases when starting conversations; check your body language and voice tone; integrate powerful phrases; and follow the five-step conflict management process. Whether it’s caused by coworkers, bosses, or even yourself, conflict doesn’t have to result in damage.
Brownnosers, credit-stealers, meeting-monopolizers, gossips, bullies – the workplace can be full of difficult people. And whether it’s your coworkers, bosses, or even yourself on occasion, these difficult people are bound to create some kind of conflict in your life.
In this book by Renée Evenson’s Powerful Phrases for Dealing with Difficult People, we’ll dive into tried-and-true tactics for dealing with a variety of challenging situations. Using a simple, five-step process and some powerful phrases, you’ll learn to expertly navigate through conflict – keeping your work relationships intact and showcasing your communication skills in the process.
---
Some basic rules
Tense relationships at work typically don’t just solve themselves.
Chances are, if you’re wondering whether Phil three cubicles down has been giving you the cold shoulder, he probably has. And if you have some hard feelings toward Linda in quality control, she’s probably aware of it on some level. These things don’t usually go undetected.
The good news is, there are a few simple rules you can follow to smooth the way for a productive conversation – even if you’re not great with conflict.
Rule one? Never say never. That is, don’t start conversations with “always” or “never.” Take a second to think about the last time you messed up. Maybe someone came to you with an always or never statement like, “You never put your coffee mug in the dishwasher.”
Did that statement make you feel like putting your coffee mug in the dishwasher? Or did it instead make you feel like defending yourself ? After all, you do put your coffee mug in the dishwasher most of the time!
A better alternative would be something like, “Hey, I ended up doing dishes today, and it cut into my lunch hour. Would you mind putting your mug in the dishwasher next time?”
And this leads us to the second rule: don’t start conversations with “you.” In the coffee mug example, saying “You never put your coffee mug in the dishwasher” sounds like an accusation – so it puts you on the defensive. On the other hand, offering an “I” statement gives you a chance to see how your actions affected someone else.
In the next section, we’ll explore some common phrases you can incorporate into your conflict conversations.
---
The powerful phrases
The right words can make all the difference in resolving or fending off conflict. You’ll soon learn the five steps to working through conflict with an annoying boss, workplace bullies, and even yourself when you’re the one in the wrong.
But first, here are some phrases you’ll need for each of those steps.
Your “I” phrase has ideally opened up the conversation and made it possible for the offending coworker to hear your issue and respond calmly. So once they’ve had a chance to share their side of the story, you’ll need a phrase of understanding – something like, “I realize that you didn’t do it on purpose” or “I understand that you didn’t mean it to sound that way.”
A phrase of understanding shows Linda that you’re willing to believe the reason she gives – which probably isn’t that she’s trying to outshine you in the conference room.
Phrases of apology are another useful tool. They don’t have to mean that you’re in the wrong. Instead, they’re simply there to create an opening in a situation – to acknowledge that things haven’t gone ideally up to this point, and that you’d like to share the responsibility. These could include something like, “I’m sorry if I seem overly sensitive” or “I’m sorry if I misunderstood your intent.”
Next up are phrases of compromise. These statements help you transition into the problem-solving part of the conversation. They’re designed to help you share ownership of the solution with your coworker. Saying “Can we talk about what happened?” or “Let’s talk this over and find a suitable compromise” shows you have an open mind.
Once you’ve come to a shared solution, you can wrap up with a phrase of resolution – “I’m happy we could resolve this” or “I’m thrilled we were able to come to an agreement.”
And finally, follow up with a phrase of reconciliation. Here’s one example: “I value our working relationship. Going forward, I think we’ll be able to work through any problem.” You could also say, “I understand you better now, and I hope you feel the same about me.”
Feel free to use these phrases as they are – or come up with your own variations that serve the same purpose and intent.
---
The power of body language
Your conflict-management toolbox is almost full, but there’s one thing left to discuss before tying it all together in the five-step process – and that’s what you don’t say.
Nonverbal communication can completely change the meaning of your words. The wrong tone, facial expression, or posture can put a different slant on what you’re trying to say. So it helps to keep a few key things – many of them common knowledge – in mind.
For starters, don’t fold your arms over your chest. Try to have a good, casual posture with your arms at your sides or hands lightly clasped in front of you. Hold your head up. Make eye contact, but bounce away once in a while so you don’t come off as too intense. Don’t fidget; instead, use purposeful gestures.
Make sure your facial expression is relaxed. If your resting face tends to be a little stern, then turn up the corners of your mouth like you’re preparing to smile. In terms of your tone of voice, try to keep it calm and steady – and don’t talk too fast.
Other people’s behaviors can teach you a lot about how you’re being perceived. So during your conversation, pay attention to the person you’re speaking with. Notice how they respond, and tailor your behavior to the situation. If your coworker has slumped shoulders, they may not be feeling confident. Take that into account, and do what you can to help them feel comfortable.
If you notice your coworker is backing away from you, give them some space – literally. If you notice your coworker getting angry, take a breath and try to diffuse them with a phrase of understanding – or take a break and reconvene later.
If any of this feels challenging, practice in front of a mirror! You don’t want to be fake and insincere in the heat of the moment. Being able to deftly and authentically manage your emotions and behavior during a conflict is a learned skill, and practice definitely helps.
---
The 5-step process
Resolving conflict is a five-step process. We’ll pair each step with an example to help put it all together.
The first step is to think.
Tom felt his face go hot in the meeting as Mark took credit for his idea.
In this moment, Tom has a problem. But he’s in a meeting; it’s not the time or place to speak up. After the meeting, he goes back to his office, fuming. He thinks about confronting Mark in front of the whole office and calling him out. Upon further consideration, he realizes that he has to keep working with Mark – and he doesn’t want to have a tense relationship with him forever.
The second step is to get a better understanding.
Tom calms down. Later, he sees Mark getting coffee and approaches him: “Hey, Mark. I have to say, it caught me off guard when you shared that idea in the meeting. I mean, it was my idea, and now I won’t get the credit I deserve. What exactly happened in there?”
Tom started with an “I” phrase, explaining how he felt and how Mark’s behavior affected him. Then he opened up the floor for Mark to explain.
The third step is to define the problem.
Mark says, “Hey, I just wanted to make sure the idea got heard. It doesn’t matter whose it is.”
Tom is prepared for a little pushback or a denial. He’s not going to take the bait and feel belittled for caring about credit. “Actually, it does matter whose idea it is. Yes, we’re all working together toward the same goal. But around here, people get recognized and rewarded for good ideas.”
Mark’s smug expression fades. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. In that moment, I guess I saw a chance to get on the map, you know?”
Tom further defined the problem using a patient and calm tone of voice; he was assertive but not aggressive. As a result, Mark opened up and was more honest.
The fourth step is to offer your best solution.
“I understand that you wanted to say something valuable in the meeting,” Tom said. “But it came at my expense. Let’s talk about how we can solve this so it doesn’t happen again.”
“OK, sure,” Mark says. “I just won’t share your ideas as my own anymore.”
“That’s great. And if you’ve got ideas of your own but you’re not sure whether to share them, I’d be happy to workshop them with you. Of course, I’ll step aside while you share your ideas in the meeting.”
Tom used a phrase of understanding to help Mark feel heard and find some common ground. He maintained his assertiveness and used a phrase of compromise to encourage Mark to agree to a solution.
The fifth and final step is to agree on the resolution.
“So, going forward, we both agree to give credit where credit is due,” Tom says. “I’m thrilled we could resolve this. I value our working relationship and want it to continue in a positive light.”
The two men shake hands and go their separate ways.
Tom employed phrases of resolution and reconciliation to bring the conversation to a positive ending.
Every conversation might not go as smoothly as it did in this imaginary scenario, but using the five-step process will help you reach resolutions and maintain coworker relationships in real life.
---
Exceptions to the rules
Every rule has an exception. Sometimes you can skip step two – getting a better understanding – because some behaviors just don’t require you to gain an understanding.
In the case of brownnosers, you may not even need to talk to them. If their brownnosing is just an annoying habit, it will likely get teased out of them by other coworkers. However, if they’re achieving unfair advantages due to their excessive flattery, your problem isn’t with them – it’s with your boss.
If you do decide to confront the brownnoser yourself, skip the understanding and get straight to the problem. For instance, if the offending coworker is being allowed to show up late and forcing you to make up their work, this behavior is unacceptable and should be addressed as such. Here again, you’ll likely need to speak to your manager.
In the case of bullies, you don’t need step two either. Their behavior needs to stop. They probably have some psychological or sociological reasons for their behavior, but that’s not your problem. At work, you have the right to defend your boundaries and be treated with respect. Skip to step three – defining the problem – and proceed from there.
Any behavior that is in and of itself wrong or unacceptable doesn’t require step two to resolve. In the workplace, it’s everyone’s responsibility to manage their own behavior. And when they don’t, you have the right to speak up.
---
Dealing with a difficult boss
Believe it or not, the same five-step process applies to dealing with a difficult boss. You’ll just need to employ a little more tact – and approach carefully.
Before addressing your boss, first decide whether their behavior is frequent or offensive enough to warrant a confrontation. If you feel you can ignore their behavior, do that – and focus on doing your job the best you can.
But if you need to approach your boss, be sure to show respect for their time. Schedule a meeting. Use your “I” statement to open up the conversation. Be assertive, but lean into the phrases of understanding. Make your solution more of a suggestion than a hard line … unless the situation warrants a hard line.
In some cases, it may be important to know when to leave. If your boss is a bully, you can try conflict resolution. But if the situation doesn’t improve, there’s nothing wrong with updating your resume. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect in the workplace.
In the case of an unethical boss, take a look at your workplace culture. If it’s a culture that tolerates unethical behavior, it may not be the place for you.
---
When you’re the problem
The trickiest situations occur when the offending coworker is you.
The problem with being the problem is that other people may not know how to skillfully address their conflict with you. For instance, you may be approached by someone who didn’t take the time to think, understand, or define the problem. They may simply walk up and say, “Hey, you just let the door slam in my face, you insensitive jerk. What’s the matter with you?”
In this situation, fight the urge to lash back. Instead, take a breath – and, if you’re still not calm enough, walk away until you are. If you are calm, though, you can initiate a different variation of the five-step process.
First, check your posture, get control of your facial expressions, and speak with a relaxed, controlled tone. Given the situation, you may want to begin with a phrase of apology to open the door to understanding: “I let the door slam in your face? I had no idea. I’m so sorry!”
Your coworker counters, “You saw me there – I saw you look over your shoulder at me. I’m not just going to allow people to treat me like that.”
We’re still in step two, understanding the problem. You might use a variation on a phrase of understanding by saying, “I wouldn’t allow people to treat me like that either. You have every right to expect more respectful behavior.”
“Yeah,” she might say, starting to calm down. “In my last workplace, I was the only woman on the floor. The men there got a kick out of refusing to hold the doors for me. They said I should be treated equally. It was obnoxious.”
She just defined the problem for you. You might say, “Yeah, that’s really obnoxious. Let’s talk about this so it doesn’t happen again. Do you mind hearing my side of the situation?”
She says, “Sure.”
Now you can move into offering a solution: “Sometimes, I get lost in my thoughts. I’m sure I glanced over my shoulder, but I truly don’t remember seeing you. Again, I’m very sorry. I’ll try to be more present when I’m moving from place to place.”
“Thanks,” she says. “And I’ll try not to assume you meant anything by it next time.”
“Well, hopefully there won’t be a next time,” you reply. “I’m glad you confronted me. I wouldn’t want things to be weird in the office.”
See what you did there? You just defused your coworker’s anger by keeping yourself calm and looking for an opportunity to take responsibility for the wrong – or perceived wrong – you incurred.
---
You have more power than you think when it comes to dealing with difficult people at work. To keep your relationships healthy and tension-free, use “I” phrases when starting conversations; check your body language and voice tone; integrate powerful phrases; and follow the five-step conflict management process. Whether it’s caused by coworkers, bosses, or even yourself, conflict doesn’t have to result in damage.
March 16, 2021
This book is about basic communication during conflict. If you know how to use "I" statements, and understand that people will listen more once you've validated how they feel- congrats, you don't need to read this book. There aren't specific phrases that magically mean people do what you want. This book is set up as a "If you are dealing with someone who is: "always late" "bullying" "lazy", and you structure the conversation in this way, here's how it could go. But it's also very limited, it's showing you a hypothetical conversation between people where the other person ALWAYS comes around to your point of view, as long as you validate them and keep pressing for a resolution. People aren't like that in real life.
June 14, 2021
Great approach
I like this book because it gives a lot of cases with their respective example. It’s very practical. The one thing I didn’t like specially at the end is that it repeated a lot of the same ideas so the book extended more than necessary. Anyway, I liked it. Actually, it was a great inspiration to write my own experience on several of those scenarios.
I like this book because it gives a lot of cases with their respective example. It’s very practical. The one thing I didn’t like specially at the end is that it repeated a lot of the same ideas so the book extended more than necessary. Anyway, I liked it. Actually, it was a great inspiration to write my own experience on several of those scenarios.
February 2, 2019
Worth buying
A great reference for difficult situations. I believe that it was well structured in a way that I will be able to quickly find what I'm looking for.
A great reference for difficult situations. I believe that it was well structured in a way that I will be able to quickly find what I'm looking for.
January 10, 2020
Some sections were helpful, some felt like it wouldn't work.
May 22, 2022
I have to say I was entertained , but I hardly need it . I’ve always liked “stop before I become impolite “ or of course the golden “ fuck off “
October 28, 2023
Renee Evenson, a renowned business author who specializes in communication, customer service, and conflict resolution, shares her insights on dealing with difficult people.
Framing complaints with 'I' statements rather than 'you', comes across less confrontational. This technique can also be applied in personal relationships, as discussed in an article about rectifying criticism.
Evenson recommends a five-step approach to handle difficult people or an uncooperative boss:
1. Reflect on the situation objectively and calmly.
2. Aim to comprehend the situation more clearly.
3. Identify the problem, explaining it from your viewpoint and achieve a mutual understanding.
4. Suggest a feasible solution.
5. Reach a resolution.
The author gives some useful advice on dealing with a bully, which I particularly liked: "In the future, I expect to be treated respectfully. If you can’t, then refrain from speaking to me.", among other things.
Regarding the issue of teammates taking undue credit, it is recommended to express your concern immediately. Failure to do so is equivalent to tacit approval.
There are several useful insights provided that are relevant to the principles of the said website, such as confronting problems directly instead of avoiding them, otherwise you risk turning into a 'nice guy' or expressing hostility indirectly.
If caught off-guard, the author suggests to take time to contemplate, instead of responding right away, thereby avoiding being overly defensive.
However, there were a few issues. Some situations came across as oversimplified and easily resolved. Some of the responses seemed too straightforward, while in reality, one might deal with them differently, depending on the individual involved. Also, applying the five-step formula in every scenario might not always be the most appropriate. For instance, asking "I'm wondering why you do that" to someone giving excessive discounts might make you appear intrusive, since the motivation to do so is clearly to make a sale.
Nevertheless, the book does provide some solid foundations for effective communication.
Framing complaints with 'I' statements rather than 'you', comes across less confrontational. This technique can also be applied in personal relationships, as discussed in an article about rectifying criticism.
Evenson recommends a five-step approach to handle difficult people or an uncooperative boss:
1. Reflect on the situation objectively and calmly.
2. Aim to comprehend the situation more clearly.
3. Identify the problem, explaining it from your viewpoint and achieve a mutual understanding.
4. Suggest a feasible solution.
5. Reach a resolution.
The author gives some useful advice on dealing with a bully, which I particularly liked: "In the future, I expect to be treated respectfully. If you can’t, then refrain from speaking to me.", among other things.
Regarding the issue of teammates taking undue credit, it is recommended to express your concern immediately. Failure to do so is equivalent to tacit approval.
There are several useful insights provided that are relevant to the principles of the said website, such as confronting problems directly instead of avoiding them, otherwise you risk turning into a 'nice guy' or expressing hostility indirectly.
If caught off-guard, the author suggests to take time to contemplate, instead of responding right away, thereby avoiding being overly defensive.
However, there were a few issues. Some situations came across as oversimplified and easily resolved. Some of the responses seemed too straightforward, while in reality, one might deal with them differently, depending on the individual involved. Also, applying the five-step formula in every scenario might not always be the most appropriate. For instance, asking "I'm wondering why you do that" to someone giving excessive discounts might make you appear intrusive, since the motivation to do so is clearly to make a sale.
Nevertheless, the book does provide some solid foundations for effective communication.
March 5, 2024
This book is helpful for those who need help advocating for themselves or others in the workplace. It gives scenarios such as “how to deal with a brown-noser, a bully, a credit-taker, an excessive emailer….etc….” and words of advice on how to confront the corresponding situation.
The author defines a procedure that could be applied with almost every scenario. Steps to think about as you go about finding a resolution to your problem. For example, the first step is always “think first” then “gain a better understanding”, define the problem, and finally offer your best solution and agree on the solution. The author then explains why the strategy works.
I can see how this can work in certain situations, but often times the examples given are idealized versions of how the conversations would go. I appreciate the added insights given on the “something to think about sections”-they humanize the people who are causing the problems. For example, “consider that the know-it-all may display this trait because of a deep-seated insecurity and lack of confidence”. Oftentimes when we are dealing with people who annoy us, we tend to demonize them and forget that they have feelings as well.
Overall, I like this book, but there was no new information shared here about how to relate to people. Mostly, it’s just teaching people the basics of how to talk to people.
The author defines a procedure that could be applied with almost every scenario. Steps to think about as you go about finding a resolution to your problem. For example, the first step is always “think first” then “gain a better understanding”, define the problem, and finally offer your best solution and agree on the solution. The author then explains why the strategy works.
I can see how this can work in certain situations, but often times the examples given are idealized versions of how the conversations would go. I appreciate the added insights given on the “something to think about sections”-they humanize the people who are causing the problems. For example, “consider that the know-it-all may display this trait because of a deep-seated insecurity and lack of confidence”. Oftentimes when we are dealing with people who annoy us, we tend to demonize them and forget that they have feelings as well.
Overall, I like this book, but there was no new information shared here about how to relate to people. Mostly, it’s just teaching people the basics of how to talk to people.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
July 31, 2022
Repeat Then Repeat Again
The author offers good resolutions to tough problems centered around people. However, every solution is basically the same. The steps are the same with a few different words thrown in at the moment of the clash. And to resolve the issues a clash is necessary, as the resolutions in the book require a verbal resolution during a clash between two people, normally in private. A few well thought out nearly mechanical responses will help to solve some problems, but not all of them. The best advice was to remain calm and keep your composure always. Stay professional.
At this point, the book would have earned three stars, maybe. As the book drew to a close I realized the author had offered few real solutions. There were not 325 words and phrases for working with challenging situations. There were a few often repeated phrases coupled with the same routine ideas. The results in the book end when a verbal “conflict resolution” is reached. It is like, Touchdown! and move on. Unfortunately, I worked in offices all over the planet for many years [74 yrs old] and I have seldom found that solving one current problem ends the conflict, especially an ongoing one.
AD2
The author offers good resolutions to tough problems centered around people. However, every solution is basically the same. The steps are the same with a few different words thrown in at the moment of the clash. And to resolve the issues a clash is necessary, as the resolutions in the book require a verbal resolution during a clash between two people, normally in private. A few well thought out nearly mechanical responses will help to solve some problems, but not all of them. The best advice was to remain calm and keep your composure always. Stay professional.
At this point, the book would have earned three stars, maybe. As the book drew to a close I realized the author had offered few real solutions. There were not 325 words and phrases for working with challenging situations. There were a few often repeated phrases coupled with the same routine ideas. The results in the book end when a verbal “conflict resolution” is reached. It is like, Touchdown! and move on. Unfortunately, I worked in offices all over the planet for many years [74 yrs old] and I have seldom found that solving one current problem ends the conflict, especially an ongoing one.
AD2
April 17, 2023
This is a basic book about very simple conflict resolution in the workplace and was not what I was expecting.
Grouping the phrases into steps and types was helpful to remember what to do and how to approach situations. If you need a basic overview of conflict resolution this book could potentially help.
The book was not well edited. There were some words and sentences that were incorrect and it took me out of the book and conflict stories. It was also incredibly repetitive, as the scenarios were repeated with slight changes to illustrate how to use the different types of phrases with different types of people.
The biggest problem was how unrealistic the sample dialogues appeared. For these phrases to work, you need two people who are actually interested in solving a problem and moving forward. If that's your situation, maybe this book would help. In several examples, the author said something like "this type of person often doesn't change their behavior" but then employs the model dialogue, to which the problematic person immediately responds. The only problematic response that was handled was in chapter 6 and even then the other person wanted resolution and didn't stick to their initial statement that their coworker 'always' or 'never' did something.
Grouping the phrases into steps and types was helpful to remember what to do and how to approach situations. If you need a basic overview of conflict resolution this book could potentially help.
The book was not well edited. There were some words and sentences that were incorrect and it took me out of the book and conflict stories. It was also incredibly repetitive, as the scenarios were repeated with slight changes to illustrate how to use the different types of phrases with different types of people.
The biggest problem was how unrealistic the sample dialogues appeared. For these phrases to work, you need two people who are actually interested in solving a problem and moving forward. If that's your situation, maybe this book would help. In several examples, the author said something like "this type of person often doesn't change their behavior" but then employs the model dialogue, to which the problematic person immediately responds. The only problematic response that was handled was in chapter 6 and even then the other person wanted resolution and didn't stick to their initial statement that their coworker 'always' or 'never' did something.
February 21, 2023
Powerful Phrases for Dealing with Difficult People (2013) provides practical tactics for navigating tough conversations at work. Along with over 325 phrases, it includes dozens of sample conversations that show the phrases in action.
Read this book for: Bite-sized truths and tactics for managing conflict with difficult coworkers and bosses.
Rule one? Never say never. That is, don’t start conversations with “always” or “never.” Take a second to think about the last time you messed up. Maybe someone came to you with an always or never statement like, “You never put your coffee mug in the dishwasher.”
A better alternative would be something like, “Hey, I ended up doing dishes today, and it cut into my lunch hour. Would you mind putting your mug in the dishwasher next time?”
And this leads us to the second rule: don’t start conversations with “you.” In the coffee mug example, saying “You never put your coffee mug in the dishwasher” sounds like an accusation – so it puts you on the defensive. On the other hand, offering an “I” statement gives you a chance to see how your actions affected someone else.
Read this book for: Bite-sized truths and tactics for managing conflict with difficult coworkers and bosses.
Rule one? Never say never. That is, don’t start conversations with “always” or “never.” Take a second to think about the last time you messed up. Maybe someone came to you with an always or never statement like, “You never put your coffee mug in the dishwasher.”
A better alternative would be something like, “Hey, I ended up doing dishes today, and it cut into my lunch hour. Would you mind putting your mug in the dishwasher next time?”
And this leads us to the second rule: don’t start conversations with “you.” In the coffee mug example, saying “You never put your coffee mug in the dishwasher” sounds like an accusation – so it puts you on the defensive. On the other hand, offering an “I” statement gives you a chance to see how your actions affected someone else.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
October 12, 2021
A good, useful book in my humble opinion.
Renee gives us a simple but effective 5 step plan for dealing with conflict, plus some key advice on how to use it effectively - control emotions, prepare for tricky responses - and then demonstrates over and over again - so it sticks - how we use this.
For those that want to know - the 5 step process for when you have some conflict / something that upsets you/ something that breaks your boundary is -
1.Think First
2.Gain a better understanding
3.Define the problem
4.Offer your best solution
5.Agree you resolution
But .. What's really great about this book as I've said above is that it is demonstrated over and over again with tricky imperfect scenarios. Wish I had read it at 20 - I might be earning more cash now :)
I will def being going back to this book for mainly work based conflict but also in other non work but professional relationships I have to manage.
Renee gives us a simple but effective 5 step plan for dealing with conflict, plus some key advice on how to use it effectively - control emotions, prepare for tricky responses - and then demonstrates over and over again - so it sticks - how we use this.
For those that want to know - the 5 step process for when you have some conflict / something that upsets you/ something that breaks your boundary is -
1.Think First
2.Gain a better understanding
3.Define the problem
4.Offer your best solution
5.Agree you resolution
But .. What's really great about this book as I've said above is that it is demonstrated over and over again with tricky imperfect scenarios. Wish I had read it at 20 - I might be earning more cash now :)
I will def being going back to this book for mainly work based conflict but also in other non work but professional relationships I have to manage.
October 1, 2022
a bit dated
There are some great phrases and thoughtful scenarios. Encouraging “I” statements, don’t yell at people, think before you speak, stay calm. All sage advice. Some I didn’t agree with especially as the culture of interpersonal relationships has evolved. Here are some gems:
If someone is a brownnoser, make jokes about it “and rubbing one's nose, as these actions may help the brownnoser understand that the behavior is unacceptable to the team.” This seems more like public shaming than “joking”.
When dealing with a credit taker start bringing up your own accomplishments. Fight fire with fire.
If your boss is inconsistent, befriend them so you can joke about their consistencies. Joking about things is not the same as addressing the issue.
Again, not a bad book just dated.
There are some great phrases and thoughtful scenarios. Encouraging “I” statements, don’t yell at people, think before you speak, stay calm. All sage advice. Some I didn’t agree with especially as the culture of interpersonal relationships has evolved. Here are some gems:
If someone is a brownnoser, make jokes about it “and rubbing one's nose, as these actions may help the brownnoser understand that the behavior is unacceptable to the team.” This seems more like public shaming than “joking”.
When dealing with a credit taker start bringing up your own accomplishments. Fight fire with fire.
If your boss is inconsistent, befriend them so you can joke about their consistencies. Joking about things is not the same as addressing the issue.
Again, not a bad book just dated.
February 1, 2023
I needed to improve my ability to manage conversations with people who seemed difficult or challenging. When I stumbled upon this book, I had two things in mind: how to become a more effective listener and how to win others over with a phrase that could take the wind out of their sail. This book helped me develop strategies to uncover the real problem and guide conflict toward resolution. Mastering the skill of dealing with difficult people takes time. Good intentions and consistent use of phrases from this book help lessen conflict and move conversations in a productive direction. Often, we are unaware of how we contribute to miscommunication and misunderstanding. This book forced me to look at myself first.
November 20, 2024
This one really should have been called "how to do battle with 30 different straw men I just made up". There's literally an example of how to break it to someone that they have bad breath, with the solution being "turns out she had a bad tooth and is going to the dentist". That's about when I stopped paying attention and just started skimming to the end.
There is a nugget of truth in the structured approach of seeking first to understand and using language that centers your feelings as subjective and empathetic. But most of the good stuff in here can be extracted from better books. For instance, I would recommend Crucial Conversations over this book any day.
There is a nugget of truth in the structured approach of seeking first to understand and using language that centers your feelings as subjective and empathetic. But most of the good stuff in here can be extracted from better books. For instance, I would recommend Crucial Conversations over this book any day.
July 6, 2025
Very Helpful, but Too Repetitive
The author of this book has good strategies for work place conflict resolution, and I believe many of her ideas may work out well. The book, however, repeats the same information, in the same words, sometimes up to three times, before finally moving forward. This makes a considerable portion of the writing tedious reiteration. Yet the book is worth reading for the conflict resolution skills, and the "powerful phrases" sections give ideas and words to use when it is necessary to tread cautiously and not escalate personality issues at the office.
The author of this book has good strategies for work place conflict resolution, and I believe many of her ideas may work out well. The book, however, repeats the same information, in the same words, sometimes up to three times, before finally moving forward. This makes a considerable portion of the writing tedious reiteration. Yet the book is worth reading for the conflict resolution skills, and the "powerful phrases" sections give ideas and words to use when it is necessary to tread cautiously and not escalate personality issues at the office.
January 28, 2020
Useful phrases and ideas that definitely work with reasonable people.. All the examples here fall under best case scenarios and not what we all need - worst case scenarios as that's what dealing with difficult people is.. telling the boss to deal with your issue with a colleague doesn't always work well. I do like that one whole chapter is dedicated to dealing with bosses of all sorts but still did not find it fully satisfactory. Yet, a good reminder of basic conflict resolution. It did not hurt reading it.
May 19, 2022
I mark this book as 5* to be fair to the author. In the case of this one I read the sample and my review is based on that. The approach offered for conflict resolution is based on phrases. Each one of the phrases is on point for specific situations, but alone by themselves, I have a hard time seeing how someone would incorporate them with authentic comprehension. The material seems like a good complement to a more through treatment on negotiation, like the one offered in the book "Getting to Yes" or other similar ones.
September 26, 2022
Good Tools for Conflict Resolution
I've been working on reading this book for a while, 10 pages a day. I recently had an incident with an employee that was quite upsetting... irritating...appalling and disruptive during a meeting I was attending with other managers. I was able to use the tools from this book to address the outburst and the issues surrounding it. We came away from our talk with a better understanding of we expect from each other and our path forward. If I hadn't been reading this book, the situation could have gotten real bad for one or both of us. Thank you.
I've been working on reading this book for a while, 10 pages a day. I recently had an incident with an employee that was quite upsetting... irritating...appalling and disruptive during a meeting I was attending with other managers. I was able to use the tools from this book to address the outburst and the issues surrounding it. We came away from our talk with a better understanding of we expect from each other and our path forward. If I hadn't been reading this book, the situation could have gotten real bad for one or both of us. Thank you.
December 29, 2022
Read and reread. Good advice on tackling issues, but it does lead you to believe that the people are going to behave reasonably. That is not always the case, however, I am reminded that we only have control over our own actions and reactions. It is usually a good idea to confront issues sooner rather than. It will get it out of your head and allow you to move forward, whether there is a satisfactory resolution or not. When you do approach others to discuss a problem, they may or may not be willing to participate. This book is more for workplace issues.
Book #157 for 2022
Book #157 for 2022
July 17, 2018
I was not impressed with this book. I don't mean any disrespect to the author, but perhaps I was't her target audience.
If you a people person who is looking for a way to set up boundaries with difficult people, this book is not for you.
However, if you are not a people's person and you are trying to learn how to express yourself and communicate with others (who are difficult), this book is definitely for you.
If you a people person who is looking for a way to set up boundaries with difficult people, this book is not for you.
However, if you are not a people's person and you are trying to learn how to express yourself and communicate with others (who are difficult), this book is definitely for you.
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