The Healing Connection: How Women Form Relationships in Therapy and in Life

by Jean Baker Miller

A “wonderfully readable” study of the importance of human connection and how we form intimate relationships , from two pioneering psychiatrists ( Psychiatric Times )
 
In The Healing Connection, best-selling author Jean Baker Miller, M.D., and Irene Stiver, Ph.D., argue that relationships are the integral source of psychological health. In so doing they offer a new understanding of human development that points a way to change in all of our institutions—work, community, school, and family—and is sure to transform lives.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Counselling, Mental Health, Feminism, Self Help, School

248 pages, Paperback

First published September 1, 1997

Reviews

[Thomas · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great book about the role of relationships in psychological healing, with a focus on the therapy relationship in particular. I appreciated the authors’ main focus: that instead of the more androcentric notion that we all need to individualize and achieve professionally, we can grow in mutually empathetic and live-giving relationships. Jean Baker Miller and Irene Stiver write about specific benefits of connection as well as the consequences of disconnection, especially repeated disconnection that may have occurred in one’s family growing up. They write about how therapists can use immediacy within the therapy relationship to address and help the client heal from these disconnections. The main strength of this book centers on its message that our culture should unlearn its misogynistic devaluing of relationships so that we can all reap the benefits of healthy connection.

As another reviewer on Goodreads noted, I wish the book had gone more into how we can build a healthy relationship with ourselves. With its publication in 1998 I think it falls a bit into the gender essentialist trope that relationships are solely women’s strength. While I do think being relationally-oriented is beautiful and empowering in our more Western, individually-focused culture, I also feel that ignoring women’s (and more feminine folks, nonbinary folks, and everyone’s really) capacity to be self-sufficient and fulfilled in relationships at the same time may motivate people to settle into mediocre relationships just to be in relationship with someone. I would thus recommend supplementing this book with Jessica Fern’s Polysecure which contains more content about relating with others as well as oneself, as well as Myrna Weissman’s The Guide to Interpersonal Psychotherapy for more specific problem areas and concepts within interpersonal therapy.

[Megan Mae Oitzman · Rating 4 out of 5]

Jean baker miller + relational cultural theory + the transformative power of authentic connections + accessible academia + an emphasis on mutuality = my kind of read !!!! whoop whoop!!!!! thank you Dr. R for the recommendation !!!

This book took me a while to read because it is so dense. As was expected…JBM is the most legendary feminist/RCT theorist in the field…she’s got a lot to say and a sh*t ton to challenge in terms of the individualist psychoanalytic theories that were dominating back in the day!

For real real….here are my thoughts because I know everyone is dying to know 🤭🤭🤭🤭 jk jk

”The Healing Connection" PROFOUND exploration of human relationships and the transformative power of authentic connections. Through the most beautiful and articulate blend of psychological insights from research/clinical experience and personal anecdotes, Miller takes readers on a journey towards understanding the significance of healthy relationships in promoting personal growth, healing, and empowerment. While this is pretty common thought nowadays, this was CONTROVERSIAL in ’97. Let’s give the woman credit where credit is due !!!! 👏🏼

A huge part of this book is mutuality—Miller argues that true healing occurs when individuals engage in genuine and reciprocal connections, where they feel seen, heard, and understood without judgement/expectation. (Dare I say…..unconditionally??) Through this, both people can experience a deep sense of validation, trust, and respect, creating a solid foundation for emotional well-being.

One of the key ~ revolutionary ~ constructs operationalized in the book is relational-cultural theory, which posits that individuals are fundamentally shaped by their relationships with others (Which obviously is in line with recent interpersonal neurobiology research—shout out Dr. Curt Thompson❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️) !!! Miller explores how societal norms and power dynamics can often hinder genuine connections….# personal # is # political….iykyk.
She highlights the importance of creating inclusive and truly empathetic spaces where individuals can explore their authentic selves, fostering personal growth and societal transformation. On top of that, this book provides a wealth of practical strategies and techniques to cultivate healthier relationships.

What makes this book unique from most other books on psychoanalytic theory is JBM’s ability to seamlessly blend theoretical concepts with relatable stories…not only does this make RCT accessible to everyone but her writing style literally DEMONSTRATES the philosophical tenants this theory is built upon (accessibility, egalitarianism, authenticity, mutuality, phenomenology, empowerment, etc)….!!! BRILLIANT !!! Her compassionate and insightful writing style encourages readers to reassess their relationships and strive for deeper, more meaningful connections—and have HOPE that it is possible !!!!

Moral of the story….JBM is seriously the greatest of her time. She literally precedented some of the greatest recent neurobiology research on relationships, trauma, healing, and IPNB with the concepts in this book and I’m forever grateful for her contributions to the field !!!! Amen!

[Jay Blevins · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good insights about new ways to look at the importance of honest, mutually empathetic connections between people. It also looks at the ways that in spite of our desire to have them we use strategies to avoid them.

It is interesting but I found it to be a moderately difficult read. It felt like slogging through mud sometimes although I can't put my finger on exactly why.

[Carly · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was the first time I have read a theory book that makes me think,"Yeah. That sounds like me." The only thing I want to know more about is what about the self helping the self. You do have a relationship to yourself. How can you mend that? Only in the context with others?

[Abbi Turner · Rating 5 out of 5]

very pertinent info, had to read part of it for class, but front to back, this book is so valuable !!! Talk about aging well also…

[mia russo · Rating 4 out of 5]

i buy cultural relational theory and think the whole evolutionary drive for connection/disconnection really resonates but idk if i buy the central relational paradox and how they implement it

[Milton · Rating 5 out of 5]

Anyone interested in healing relationships will find this book to be of interested. It fits easily into an Object Relations understanding of the role a relationship plays in bringing about emotional healing. I like just about anything done by the women at the Stone.

[Bridgid · Rating 3 out of 5]

p47 "Our colleague Alexandra Kaplan has suggested that the basic human motive...can be better understood as the motivate to participate in connection with others, rather than the need to be gratified by others."

A great book about women's modes of connection.

[Abby · Rating 4 out of 5]

Relational psychology.