Secrets of Great Marriages: Real Truth from Real Couples about Lasting Love

by Charlie Bloom, Linda Bloom

Therapists Charlie and Linda Bloom have been married more than thirty-five years. Over a two-year period, they interviewed twenty-seven couples who had been together for an average of thirty years and seemed as happy as newlyweds. Were they just lucky? The Blooms found that these couples had faced real challenges — difficulties with children and stepchildren, war wounds, infidelity, and financial ruin. They also found that with loving dialogue and open hearts, the couples had found ways to heal, grow, and deepen their commitment through, and not despite, their challenges. The Blooms distill this real-world wisdom into practical, positive actions any couple can take to achieve or regain not just a good marriage but a great one.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction

256 pages, Paperback

First published December 6, 2009

Reviews

[Soaraway · Rating 4 out of 5]

Actually, I thought this book was fantastic. Like some other reviewers, at first I found it trite, but later into the book some real practical wisdom emerged. I truly found couples offering innovative solutions to problems in marriage, personality clashes, interpersonal relations, and communication. It is really up to the reader to take from it what they find most useful in their own marriage and relationships.

[Keith · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book consists of 27 chapters with a couple dialog being the bulk of each chapter.

It took me months to get around to finishing this book, but I did enjoy the diversity of experiences, getting ideas for reading the couple dialogs.

Some quotes from Chapter 14

Page 107
HAL: I had been doing this work for a while, but it had never been any-
thing like this before. We began to identify and recognize different
selves that exist within each of us. We spent the next five years identi-
fying this amazing cast of characters, and the work we did together at
this time informed and shaped our professions and provided a foun-
dation for all the work we have done since.

We discovered that each self had a different history, a different way
of perceiving the world, and a different physical expression. We gave
them names such as the pusher, the inner critic, or the pleaser. They all
demand a say in regard to our behaviors and life choices. We discov-
ered that our lives and relationships began to transform as these parts
were brought to consciousness and given expression.

Page 108-109
Your partner is your mirror, who reflects back both your attractive and unattractive parts

HAL: We discovered that the stronger our response was to each other's
behavior, the more likely it was a reaction to a disowned part of our
self. We found that, when we were able to give that self a voice for self.
expression, everything shifted and opened up. But we had to be able to
tell the truth to ourselves about what we were actually feeling, no mat-
ter what it was. One of the things I became aware of in looking at my
reactions to Sidra was how frequently I found myself judging her. In
examining this, I came to see that, whenever we had competing desires,
I judged Sidra as being selfish or wrong in some way. I saw that my
judgments were actually a key to discovering what I wanted at the time.
If I judged her as lazy, it was usually because I felt overworked and un-
willing to give myself the downtime she was taking. If l judged her as
self-absorbed or self-indulgent, it was probably a result of my having
failed to take care of myself.

SIDRA: For example, one morning when I was busily hunched over
the keyboard, I looked out the window and noticed Hal feeding the
deer. He loves doing this, and I could see how much he was enjoying
himself. I suddenly became aware that I was grinding my teeth. My
thought was “He's doing just what he feels like while I'm in here work-
ing." I saw that this feeling of resentment and envy illuminated an un-
acknowledged need to feel free to be myself and do those things that
please me. I learned to look for the gift in every judgment.

Page 111
Love isn't enough

HAL: When people ask me what advice I would give to a newly mar-
ried couple, I say: "A marriage needs two people who love each other.
Love, however, is not enough. What is essential for a rich and satisfy-
ing relationship is the initiation of the process of personal growth, of
consciousness exploration, both individually and as a couple, so that
there is a framework for dealing with the difficulties that life invariably
brings. As you take your vows and make a commitment to the rela-
tionship, know that you are also beginning a journey of individual and
coexploration that will go on forever and ever and ever.

SIDRA: The best advice I can give is: "Respect one another.
Respect your relationship, the best teachers you will ever re-
ceceive. Do not try to fix each other. Instead, look for the lessons that
learned from each other. Be accountable for who you are and for What
you contribute to your relationship, including your negativity, vm
need for power or control, and other less-than-stellar contributions
All this is important; all this is part of the teaching.

"Trying to have the perfect relationship, or trying to fix things too
soon, doesn't work. Relationship is not always an easy path, and there
are no shortcuts. If you use your relationship as a mirror in which to
view yourself clearly, it will show you your next step. Learning from
what you see in this mirror will keep your life together an exciting and
unpredictable journey, and it will, in the end, enable each of you to sing
your own song, the song you were always meant to sing.


Chapter 26

Page 213-214
“ I knew that many of our personal patterns throughout of a larger worldwide pattern stemming from the domination model where men can make messes and women are supposed to clean them up. If you have the upper hand, you don’t need to connect or even talk about problems there’s no motivation to talk things out. Having internalize the idea that “real masculinity“ means being in control, many men don’t see the point in sharing power with another person.“

—————————————

CONTENTS
…

1. It's Never Too Late to Heal Old Wounds
Pete and Deanna Smith

2. Great Marriages Require Great Integrity
Sara Nelson and Danny Sheehan

3. A Marriage May Have to Die in ls Present Form to Be Born into Its Full Glory
Maya and Barry Spector

4. It's Always Possible to Make Time for Your Marriage, Even If You Have Twelve Kids
Rachel and Nehemia Cohen (not their real names)

5. There Are Thousands of Ways to Make Love
Judith Sherven and Jim Sniechowski

6. A True Partnership Amplifies the Joy of Success and Diminishes the Pain of Distress
Jim Brochu and Steve Schalchlin

7. Painful Breakdowns Contain the Seeds Necessary for LoveFlourish
Shirley and Drew Coleman (not their real names)

8. Failure Is an Essential Step on the Road to Success
Liza and Raz Ingrasci

9. Play Is Serious Business
Rich and Antra Borofsky

10. Humble Beginnings Can Be the Source of Great Achievements
Barbara and Larry Dossey

11. Love Creates Miracles
Mariah and Ron Gladis

12. A Generous Spirit Is Its Own Reward
Tom and Nancy O'Neill

13. A Painful Past Can Open the Door to the Deepest Love
Joseph and Robyn Whyte (not their real names)

14. The Play of Marriage Has Many Characters
Hal and Sidra Stone

15. It's Not Despite Our Differences That We Can Deeply Love, It's Because of Them
Veda Lewis and Kathy Anastad

16. Great Marriages Require Both Partners to Be Teachers and Students
Jack Lee Rosenberg and Beverly Kitaen Morse

17. Sometimes You Have to Risk It All to Have It All
Jane Morton and Michael Jacobs

18. The Three Secrets to Success in Marriage Are Commitment, Commitment, and Commitment
Ken and Maddy Dychtwald

I9. Not All Great Marriages Require Hard Work
Hope and Laurence Juber

20. Love Grows Every Time ls Expressed
Pearl and Seymour Dychtwald

21. Great Marriages Require a Commitment to Something beyond the Relationship Itself
Shakti and Rick Butler

22. Change Your Life, Change Your Marriage, Change the World by Listening, Really Listening
Michael and Justine Toms

23. When Our Underlying Intentions Are Aligned, All Differences Become Workable
Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks

24. Above All Else, Love ls the Most Important Thing
Joyce and Barry Vissell

25. Together, Ordinary People Can Create Extraordinary Lives
Ken and Joyce Beck

26. Life's Ordeals Can Become a Source of Compassion, Inspiration, and Love
Riane Eisler and David Loye

27. As Love Grows, So Does the Scope of Your World
Lynne and Bill Twist

APPENDIX

Featured Couples' Contact Information

Ken and Joyce Beck
The Crossings • www.thecrossingsaustin.com

Rich and Antra Borofsky
The Center for the Study of Relationships • www.beingtogether.com

Jim Brochu and Steve Schalchlin.
www.bonusround.com • www.jimbrochu.com

Shakti and Rick Butler
www.world-trust.org

Barbara and Larry Dosseydasok
www.dosseydossey.com

Ken and Maddy Dychtwald
Age Wave • www.agewave.com

Riane Eisler and David Loye
Center for Partnership Studies www.partnershipway.org

Mariah and Ron Gladis
The Pennsylvania Gestalt Center for Psychotherapy and Training
www.gestaltcenter.com

Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks
The Hendricks Institute for Conscious Living• www.hendricks.com

Liza and Raz Ingrasci
Hoffman Institute• www.hoffmaninstitute.org

Hope and Laurence Juber
www.laurencejuber.com

Jane Morton and Michael Jacobs
www.ibreastfeeding.com • www.interactivewellnes.com

Sara Nelson and Danny Sheehan
The New Paradigm Institute • www.romeroinstitute.org

Tom and Nancy O'Neill
www.squawvalleyinstitute.org

Jack Lee Rosenberg and Beverly Kitaen Morse
Rosenberg's Integrative Body Psychotherapy
Rosenberg-Kitaen Central Institute, Inc. • www.ibponline.com

Judith Sherven and Jim Sniechowski
www.absolutewrite.com

Maya and Barry Spector
www.barryandmayaspector.com

Hal and Sidra Stone
Voice Dialogue International
www.voicedialogue.org

Michael and Justine Toms
New Dimensions Radio • www.newdimensions.org

Lynne and Bill Twist
Pachamama Alliance • www.pachamama.org

Joyce and Barry Vissell
Shared Heart Foundation www.sharedheart.org

The above extracts from the book were created using OCR. I have corrected the obvious errors.

[Mandi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good, relatable anecdotes ~ thouggh after a bit they all started to seem the same.

[Lorena · Rating 4 out of 5]

The authors interviewed couples who had been together for at least 15 years, and they present 27 of those couples’ stories in their own words in a dialog format. This wasn’t quite what I expected, but it is interesting if you have patience to consider each couple’s story. Some stories resonated with me more than others.

What stood out most to me was all of the challenges that these couples faced. Their relationships weren’t perfect, but they found ways to learn, grow, and face their challenges together. I was particularly inspired by the couples who faced serious health challenges or great losses and still found happiness together.

Doug MacKechnie did a great job with narration. He’s easy to understand, he has distinct voices for the different interviewees, and his pacing and emphasis are wonderful.

Although it takes some effort to glean specific lessons from these stories, I found this audiobook interesting and inspiring.

I received a free copy of this audiobook from the authors. I volunteered to provide an honest review.

[Daryl · Rating 2 out of 5]

Both members of most of the couples had been married before, and sometimes their relationships started while one or both were still married to others. Not exactly the ideal group of people from whom to get marriage advice. Also, the "secrets" which most had to offer were things which made their particular relationship work, but were not of general use to the rest of us.

Another major complaint that I had was that most of the narrative and interviews covered the individuals' personal backgrounds and their efforts in their joint projects; not much had to do with the marriage itself.

[Janet · Rating 2 out of 5]

First of all, the reader should know that the couples profiled are not ordinary couples. For example, most of them have joined forces as a couple to pursue a major endeavor, often philanthropic. Most, if not all, are world-class in their field, and that field is usually connected to psychology. It seems that the Blooms have simply mined their colleagues for these interviews rather than seeking any kind of diversity. Representation from normal couples would have provided a much more interesting and relevant read.

The format of the individual stories comprises a short introduction to the couple followed by alternating comments by each member of the couple, presumably excerpts from an interview. The couples' own comments often duplicated information which had been provided in the introduction, which was somewhat annoying and suggested either poor planning or poor editing.

[Kim · Rating 3 out of 5]

Closer to a 2.5, but giving it a 3. I love the concept of this book, and enjoyed reading some of the stories, but I just couldn't really engage with it the way I hoped to. I think a greater diversity of demographics (so many of the couples seemed to come from the counseling/therapy community) would have made the book more interesting for me.

[Marjorie · Rating 1 out of 5]

just couldn't get through it. too much anecdote and cliche. i could learn as much about marriages reading facebook statuses.