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When Your Daughter Has Bpd Lib/E: Essential Skills to Help Families Manage Borderline Personality Disorder
In this groundbreaking book, psychologist Daniel Lobel offers essential skills based in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to help you understand your daughter’s disorder, define appropriate boundaries, put an end to daily emergencies, and rebuild the family’s structure from the ground up.
If you have a daughter with borderline personality disorder (BPD), you may feel frustration, shame, and your family may be at the breaking point dealing with angry outbursts, threats, and constant emergencies. You may even feel guilty for not enjoying spending time with your child—but how can you when her behavior is abusive toward you and the rest of your family? You need solid skills you can use now to help your daughter and hold your family together.
In this important guide, you’ll learn real solutions and strategies based in proven-effective DBT and CBT to help you weather the storm of BPD and restore a sense of normalcy and balance in your life. You’ll find an overview of BPD so you can better understand the driving forces behind your daughter’s difficult behavior. You’ll discover how you can help your daughter get the help she needs while also setting boundaries that foster respect and self-care for you and others in your family. And, most importantly, you’ll learn “emergency parenting techniques” to help you put a stop to abusive patterns and restore peace.
If your daughter has BPD and your family is struggling to make it through each day, this book offers essential skills to help you cope and recover a sense of stability.
If you have a daughter with borderline personality disorder (BPD), you may feel frustration, shame, and your family may be at the breaking point dealing with angry outbursts, threats, and constant emergencies. You may even feel guilty for not enjoying spending time with your child—but how can you when her behavior is abusive toward you and the rest of your family? You need solid skills you can use now to help your daughter and hold your family together.
In this important guide, you’ll learn real solutions and strategies based in proven-effective DBT and CBT to help you weather the storm of BPD and restore a sense of normalcy and balance in your life. You’ll find an overview of BPD so you can better understand the driving forces behind your daughter’s difficult behavior. You’ll discover how you can help your daughter get the help she needs while also setting boundaries that foster respect and self-care for you and others in your family. And, most importantly, you’ll learn “emergency parenting techniques” to help you put a stop to abusive patterns and restore peace.
If your daughter has BPD and your family is struggling to make it through each day, this book offers essential skills to help you cope and recover a sense of stability.
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Published February 25, 2020
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About the author
Daniel S. Lobel
6 books16 followersDaniel S. Lobel, Ph.D is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Katonah, New York. He is an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at Mount Sinai College of Medicine in New York City. He has authored several chapters in psychology textbooks and written many blogs on Borderline Personality Disorder:
The Borderline Mother | Psychology Today
The Borderline Mother II | Psychology Today
The Borderline/Narcissistic Mother | Psychology Today
The Borderline Parent—A Survival Guide | Psychology Today
The Borderline Father | Psychology Today
The Borderline Daughter | Psychology Today
The Borderline Mother | Psychology Today
The Borderline Mother II | Psychology Today
The Borderline/Narcissistic Mother | Psychology Today
The Borderline Parent—A Survival Guide | Psychology Today
The Borderline Father | Psychology Today
The Borderline Daughter | Psychology Today
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 45 reviews
December 8, 2019
This was not groundbreaking, as advertised. Nor was it enlightening in any way. I want all you folks who DON'T have BPD to take heed of this review. The abusive, rude, and thoughtless character portrayed in this book could be anybody, not just somebody with BPD. If you think you're going to read this book and have some greater understanding of what BPD is and how it affects an individual, then you're wrong. This book won't increase your understanding. It won't give you insight into how truly painful this disorder is for the sufferer, how it makes you feel like you're constantly walking around with your skin on inside out.
Throughout the book, Lobel does a lot of victim-blaming. He paints a picture of the BPD sufferer as someone who is manipulative, intentionally hurting everyone around them. He talks about frustration intolerance but has no idea how frustrating it really is to have your emotions magnified beyond all reason. He lays the family problems at the feet of the person with BPD, listing them as the cause. He even states that the siblings of the person with BPD often feel like they are in a dark shadow off to the side of the person with BPD. Now, I consulted with my own siblings, and they recollect no feelings such as this. In fact, it was my younger sister who seemed to get all the attention in my family (Lobel would tell you I'm distorting the truth, but I am pretty observant and know what I see).
There is a lot of talk in this book about not wanting to "feed the monster". But what about validating your child with BPD? Does Lobel understand how desperate the BPD sufferer is to feel validated, that not feeling validated is a primary motivator in their actions and reactions? And what if the BPD sufferer came from a family background where being invalidated all the time was a stark part of that person's reality? Does Lobel also know how much PAIN the person with BPD carries around? That, too, is a major contributor to the actions of that person - wanting to avoid pain. Because it hurts. And in a person with BPD, it's even more intense than it is with the average person. I guarantee you.
Notice that I use the 'they' pronoun, instead of 'she'. That is because I know for a fact that BOTH MALES AND FEMALES suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. The author labours under the delusion that only females suffer from BPD. I bought this book partly for myself, to better be able to assist my son, who shows strong symptoms of BPD. But also to help my mother to understand me better. But now I'm not so sure. I don't want her getting the idea that I'm manipulative and vindictive, which is certainly the sense you get from reading this book. Lobel even listed one of his sources as the notorious Stop Walking On Eggshells, another bomb. DO NOT READ either of these books!
All in all, I think if you want to understand BPD more effectively, you could do a lot better than by reading this book. Try, Get Me Out Of Here, a fantastic account of one BPD sufferer's real struggles. Or The Buddha and the Borderline, an excellent memoir written by an actual person with BPD. Or watch some YouTube videos of Marsha Linehan, the goddess of all that is BPD.
Throughout the book, Lobel does a lot of victim-blaming. He paints a picture of the BPD sufferer as someone who is manipulative, intentionally hurting everyone around them. He talks about frustration intolerance but has no idea how frustrating it really is to have your emotions magnified beyond all reason. He lays the family problems at the feet of the person with BPD, listing them as the cause. He even states that the siblings of the person with BPD often feel like they are in a dark shadow off to the side of the person with BPD. Now, I consulted with my own siblings, and they recollect no feelings such as this. In fact, it was my younger sister who seemed to get all the attention in my family (Lobel would tell you I'm distorting the truth, but I am pretty observant and know what I see).
There is a lot of talk in this book about not wanting to "feed the monster". But what about validating your child with BPD? Does Lobel understand how desperate the BPD sufferer is to feel validated, that not feeling validated is a primary motivator in their actions and reactions? And what if the BPD sufferer came from a family background where being invalidated all the time was a stark part of that person's reality? Does Lobel also know how much PAIN the person with BPD carries around? That, too, is a major contributor to the actions of that person - wanting to avoid pain. Because it hurts. And in a person with BPD, it's even more intense than it is with the average person. I guarantee you.
Notice that I use the 'they' pronoun, instead of 'she'. That is because I know for a fact that BOTH MALES AND FEMALES suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. The author labours under the delusion that only females suffer from BPD. I bought this book partly for myself, to better be able to assist my son, who shows strong symptoms of BPD. But also to help my mother to understand me better. But now I'm not so sure. I don't want her getting the idea that I'm manipulative and vindictive, which is certainly the sense you get from reading this book. Lobel even listed one of his sources as the notorious Stop Walking On Eggshells, another bomb. DO NOT READ either of these books!
All in all, I think if you want to understand BPD more effectively, you could do a lot better than by reading this book. Try, Get Me Out Of Here, a fantastic account of one BPD sufferer's real struggles. Or The Buddha and the Borderline, an excellent memoir written by an actual person with BPD. Or watch some YouTube videos of Marsha Linehan, the goddess of all that is BPD.
March 30, 2021
I have absolutely nothing positive to say about this book. As someone who has been diagnosed with BPD it is very clear that the author has his own biased opinion on the disorder and has done no research into how it affects the people who actually HAVE this disorder. It portrays us as monsters, manipulative and abusive people who are at fault for any problems a family of such a person might experience. Daniel Lobel is part of the problem we sit with daily about the stigma surrounding this disorder and I truly hope he never has a family member or friend with BPD, because I cannot imagine having such a negative influence in your life with a disorder that is so misunderstood.
We are human.
We are human.
October 25, 2020
how do i give this negative stars
April 12, 2019
what the fuck
February 24, 2022
Terrible book, author has a disturbing way of talking about bpd, referring to it as a “monster”. Author insinuates that his daughters bpd is HER problem and something she needs to magically learn to manage despite never properly being taught any healthy coping skills from her father. Author fails to realize how his actions as a parent have heavily contributed to his daughter developing this mental illness in the first place. I wish I could rate it 0 stars.
August 12, 2021
I rarely feel compelled to write negative reviews but this book has a lot of misinformation about helping a borderline. I have severe Bpd and I am someone's daughter. I found it patronising and misleading and wouldn't recommend this to anyone. To add insult to injury there are people who do not have Bpd in the comments section telling people to "ignore negative ratings" from people who live with the disorder 24/7 which is pretty inflammatory considering it's a disorder that's badly qtriggered by invalidation of one's opinions and feelings. One comment even stated that the negative ratings from people with Bpd are because we cannot take emotional responsibility. As someone who is kept awake at night panicking and frightened that I'm going to impact someone negatively I do everything I possibly can to avoid being hurtful and overreacting. I think you will find that when your disorder is HIGHLY stigmatised and repeatedly invalidated and you come across a source of misinformation written by someone with a medical backing you can only despair at the continuation of ignorance with regards to Bpd. I had no idea I had Bpd until I was 31 I had spent my whole life in turmoil thinking I was a monster thinking I'm going to kill my parents because I can't stop stressing them out, crashing from one disaster to the next because I regularly disassociate. I had no help or support from mental health services the doctors don't care they've been prescribing me antidepressants since I was 15 and that's about where their jurisdiction ends. I have been asking for them to diagnose me for proper treatment and keep being told I can have therapy but that was in 2018 I'm still waiting. I have been so desperate to improve myself and relationships with my family and I work so ****** hard to make that happen without professional support.There are better sourcebooks out there that can help both the patient and loved ones (Bpd survival guide) which don't stigmatise people with Bpd and without sickening pink flowers on the front cover. I hope this never went to print I wouldn't even use it as toilet paper.
And before you tell me not to "take it so personally" or "be so defensive"..... Seriously... I have Bpd, that's literally my disorder in a nutshell because I have endured heavy trauma. Educate yourself with worthwhile books on the subject and leave this archaic, sexist and misleading piece of crap in the bin.
And before you tell me not to "take it so personally" or "be so defensive"..... Seriously... I have Bpd, that's literally my disorder in a nutshell because I have endured heavy trauma. Educate yourself with worthwhile books on the subject and leave this archaic, sexist and misleading piece of crap in the bin.
July 11, 2019
I found the book helpful in that it tied together many behaviors I’ve witnessed in my teenager over the last year: increasing problems with schoolwork, codependency with one parent, blaming others in order to appear the victim, triangulation targeted at the marriage, faltering friendships and social circle instability, failure to take responsibility for actions, resistance at independent functioning, repeated acts of self harm...there is a very well-fed monster (the disorder, not the child!) in the house.
I was utterly numb as I read; everything I’d sensed and experienced—but was unable to put my thumb on for a cause—played out in increasing clarity as I turned page after page. On one hand I felt a sense of loss at the damage I’ve experienced from her BPD but on the other a sense of hope that now we know the illness, we can effect a treatment plan. And ultimately, everyone in the family will be happier.
This disorder is chilling in its ability to destroy a family and cause great suffering and hopelessness. The good news is the illness is treatable with resilience, strength to enforce boundaries, and patience to bear the day to day mistreatments from the BPD child. Salvation has to be viewed through a long lens: what is done today to help her get better will not bear fruit until much later, perhaps years.
But doing nothing because she seems happy at the moment and delaying professional treatment is much riskier in the long term. The book introduces the reality that children with BPD grow into adults with BPD and that’s something I hadn’t thought of. I believe more than ever to exorcise the BPD now before it consumes more—it has an insatiable appetite.
I was utterly numb as I read; everything I’d sensed and experienced—but was unable to put my thumb on for a cause—played out in increasing clarity as I turned page after page. On one hand I felt a sense of loss at the damage I’ve experienced from her BPD but on the other a sense of hope that now we know the illness, we can effect a treatment plan. And ultimately, everyone in the family will be happier.
This disorder is chilling in its ability to destroy a family and cause great suffering and hopelessness. The good news is the illness is treatable with resilience, strength to enforce boundaries, and patience to bear the day to day mistreatments from the BPD child. Salvation has to be viewed through a long lens: what is done today to help her get better will not bear fruit until much later, perhaps years.
But doing nothing because she seems happy at the moment and delaying professional treatment is much riskier in the long term. The book introduces the reality that children with BPD grow into adults with BPD and that’s something I hadn’t thought of. I believe more than ever to exorcise the BPD now before it consumes more—it has an insatiable appetite.
October 5, 2017
This is an excellent read for families and friends, as well as those who are interested in this subject. I do not understand why it says in the title 'daughter' as BPD isn't confined to just females. I am interested in this subject, mainly because my late son had BPD. Unfortunately he wasn't diagnosed until his mid teens and am sure this book would have been a great help back then. There were parts in the book that didn't apply, as each family is different. As a family, we were strong enough to override any challenges we faced and having a son with BDP did not put any strain on family relationships between my husband, two daughters and self. Admittedly it was mentally tiring, especially when he got into his late teens. Dating, jobs etc posed new challenges.
My thanks to Netgalley and the Publishers. This is my honest review.
My thanks to Netgalley and the Publishers. This is my honest review.
June 4, 2022
So disappointed with this book. I want to know more about BPD for many reasons, as a nurse and family member, but this book was so demeaning! The “professional “ was anything but professional. In discussion to say anyone when dealing with children is “feeding the monster” is inhumane. Did I learn something while reading this book? Maybe, but not groundbreaking information of how to relate to someone with BPD. WAIST OF MY TIME TO READ IT.
October 4, 2017
I downloaded this book simply because I'm a mental health professional and I regularly come into contact with individuals with BPD, and it's a tricky client group to best manage their needs. Despite this book being aimed at daughters with BPD, I think this really is an invaluable resource for family and friends of those with BPD, as well as professionals like myself. Packed full of anecdotes, it allows you to relate the advice to many different situations. The fact it is based on the theory behind CBT and DBT thrills me greatly, as I love nothing more than a bit of evidence-based practice! I can imagine for family members this book will be a great aid to reassuring parents that they are doing okay - they're not doing anything wrong, but the way in which they provide boundaries perhaps needs to be different to their other children, and using the teachings of CBT and DBT will greatly help. The only thing that perplexes me here is why the book is aimed solely at 'daughters' when it will apply exactly the same to any child. On the whole though, an invaluable resource for many.
(Thanks NetGalley for this copy).
(Thanks NetGalley for this copy).
June 15, 2021
This book fit my family’s circumstance perfectly! The examples specific to a daughter/female with BDP were spot on it was unbelievable. We have already began using the BDP strategies and coping mechanisms and it works better than anything else we have tried. I definitely recommend giving this book a chance if you think you have a daughter with BDP.
December 15, 2021
JUSTICE FOR GABBY🙏🙏
February 3, 2019
Not just for Daughters/children. Very helpful. Create boundaries, encourage independence, praise successes.
October 23, 2019
Uncannily accurate description of life with a daughter with BPD. Helpful tips on helping your daughter.
August 19, 2021
Very informative. Wish I'd read this years ago!
August 27, 2021
As I was reading this book I felt as though he lived in our house. What he described and examples he gave was 100% my daughter. Great advice and lots of tips that I follow and practice.
October 5, 2021
Was somewhat interesting to read but a bit repetitive and bland. Can be read pretty quickly.
May 14, 2022
Can't give it negative stars unfortunately. Sets our daughters with BPD up as literal monsters. The enemy to family harmony and as problems to be solved, not as human beings in immense pain.
November 10, 2021
Easy to read and gives very actionable advice. Aka - “stop feeding the monster”. This book should be added to your toolkit for dealing with teens. Teens are not able to be diagnosed with BPD, but this book helps further eliminate the possibility if a teen has been heavily influenced by someone in their family with BDP (aka it’s often “learned” and not genetic).
June 9, 2020
An excellent how-to for parents of borderline girls. Unlike many books that mety describe the problem this attempts to teach how to address it. The book is flawed in. Couple of ways or else it would have gotten 5 stars. A) Why doesn't it talk about sons? B) The author appears to really believe "codependency" is a out BPD, when it's about being in a relationship with a chemically dependent person. That's very inaccurate and confusing. The toxic dependency needs of borderli es are however addressed pretty we in here. C) The book needed a lot more concrete examples to illustrate how to handle these behaviors. Otherwise it's a great guide.
June 16, 2023
The format for this book is very well chosen; it is digestible for the every day reader while sharing professional and complex topics. This offered tons of insight for me around a relationship in my life that has been suffering, and now I know why. A weight was lifted off my shoulders as I finally let go of the anger I was feeling towards my family member with BPD. I could redirect my anger towards the disease. I can now come from a place of love and empathy as I try to re-route a relationship with this person. I will forever be thankful for this read and recommend it to anyone struggling with a BPD-affected person in his/her life.
May 24, 2022
So very helpful
I’ve been reading every book I can find on this subject but I recommend that you read this book first. This is the one that finally explained and organized years of confusion for my family and I. The information and explanations regarding daily interactions with some one with BPD and how to successfully work with them is priceless. It’s very easy to read. I didn’t want it to end. There isn’t one extra word in this book. It’s all such valuable, helpful information.
Although this book covers it all I hope the author continues to write on this subject.
I’ve been reading every book I can find on this subject but I recommend that you read this book first. This is the one that finally explained and organized years of confusion for my family and I. The information and explanations regarding daily interactions with some one with BPD and how to successfully work with them is priceless. It’s very easy to read. I didn’t want it to end. There isn’t one extra word in this book. It’s all such valuable, helpful information.
Although this book covers it all I hope the author continues to write on this subject.
June 3, 2024
Id give this book 0 stars if I could. Let’s remember that trauma, emotionally immature, abusive, and narcissistic tendencies in parents (!!) can make a kid have BPD. This book then gives advice to crappy/narcissistic parents to treat their child they’re already not giving attention to, less attention. Basically, if you pick up this book, your child should eventually just cut you off completely for being a parent that truly refuses to see why affirmation is needed. Hey parent with kid w/ bpd, maybe YOURE the reason your kid has “a monster” in them?
Absolute trash book.
Absolute trash book.
May 23, 2019
A powerful guide to help you and your family navigate borderline personality disorder (BPD.) The story is not told in clinical terminology but instead, easy to understand language.
I won a copy of this book during a Goodreads giveaway. I am under no obligation to leave a review or rating and do so voluntarily. So that others may also enjoy this book, I am paying it forward by donating it to my local library.
I won a copy of this book during a Goodreads giveaway. I am under no obligation to leave a review or rating and do so voluntarily. So that others may also enjoy this book, I am paying it forward by donating it to my local library.
February 16, 2021
This book is a good book for someone who has a child that is a teen or young child. If you have someone in your life that is an adult.. This is not the book for you. It is a good book... It gave me some good foundational information but that is about it.
December 15, 2021
this is directed towards you mom 👺👺👺👺👺
December 28, 2021
Amazon review:
In this groundbreaking book, psychologist Daniel Lobel offers essential skills based in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to help you understand your daughter’s disorder, define appropriate boundaries, put an end to daily emergencies, and rebuild the family’s structure from the ground up.
If you have a daughter with borderline personality disorder (BPD), you may feel frustration, shame, and your family may be at the breaking point dealing with angry outbursts, threats, and constant emergencies. You may even feel guilty for not enjoying spending time with your child—but how can you when her behavior is abusive toward you and the rest of your family? You need solid skills you can use now to help your daughter and hold your family together.
In this important guide, you’ll learn real solutions and strategies based in proven-effective DBT and CBT to help you weather the storm of BPD and restore a sense of normalcy and balance in your life. You’ll find an overview of BPD so you can better understand the driving forces behind your daughter’s difficult behavior. You’ll discover how you can help your daughter get the help she needs while also setting boundaries that foster respect and self-care for you and others in your family. And, most importantly, you’ll learn “emergency parenting techniques” to help you put a stop to abusive patterns and restore peace.
If your daughter has BPD and your family is struggling to make it through each day, this book offers essential skills to help you cope and recover a sense of stability.
In this groundbreaking book, psychologist Daniel Lobel offers essential skills based in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to help you understand your daughter’s disorder, define appropriate boundaries, put an end to daily emergencies, and rebuild the family’s structure from the ground up.
If you have a daughter with borderline personality disorder (BPD), you may feel frustration, shame, and your family may be at the breaking point dealing with angry outbursts, threats, and constant emergencies. You may even feel guilty for not enjoying spending time with your child—but how can you when her behavior is abusive toward you and the rest of your family? You need solid skills you can use now to help your daughter and hold your family together.
In this important guide, you’ll learn real solutions and strategies based in proven-effective DBT and CBT to help you weather the storm of BPD and restore a sense of normalcy and balance in your life. You’ll find an overview of BPD so you can better understand the driving forces behind your daughter’s difficult behavior. You’ll discover how you can help your daughter get the help she needs while also setting boundaries that foster respect and self-care for you and others in your family. And, most importantly, you’ll learn “emergency parenting techniques” to help you put a stop to abusive patterns and restore peace.
If your daughter has BPD and your family is struggling to make it through each day, this book offers essential skills to help you cope and recover a sense of stability.
January 8, 2018
My primary concern with this book is that an online search for Doctor Lobel produces nothing but this book, and the information for where he currently teaches. His profile on the University website is less than one sentence, and the photo is blank. However, that being said - I think that the symptoms described in this book, and therefore the advice about managing them, is applicable in a broad range of areas. Some of the same symptoms to a lesser degree are present in the "Millennial" mindset, and in other mental health disorders. I don't think I would use this book to self-diagnose anyone, or as an authority on BPD, given the lack of information on Doctor Lobel, but I think there is valuable advice for dealing with family members who exhibit these personality traits. The ideas discussed are behavior modification ideas, so regardless of how sound the science behind it is (whether the person exhibiting the symptoms actually has BDP or not), these seem like reasonable things to try to mitigate the effects of stressful and destructive behaviors on the family unit.
November 14, 2021
The book was written by a practicing psychologist for parents of a person with BPD. It is not a medical school textbook and was not written for a person with the disorder.
It obviously hurts and triggers by discussing every pity thing we all would love to hide and be forgiven for whether sick or not. Do not read this book if you have BPD.
From a family member point of view, it is rather repetitive and not that deep as the description promises. But it won't take you more than an hour to read and alleviate some issues.
It obviously hurts and triggers by discussing every pity thing we all would love to hide and be forgiven for whether sick or not. Do not read this book if you have BPD.
From a family member point of view, it is rather repetitive and not that deep as the description promises. But it won't take you more than an hour to read and alleviate some issues.
November 20, 2021
This book has helped me understand my daughters behavior. It was so very interesting and completely true to her nature.
I realized I must have given in to her needs and mistakes, then I felt responsible to help her.
Now she is older I have broken the cycle and told her she must be responsible for her own mistakes.
Not liking this she thinks I am mean, but I had to get out of the drama triangle.
I have been there for her, given money time etc. She has a short memory, I cannot be that person anymore.
I do feel disappointed, but I am set free from her cycle of drama.
I realized I must have given in to her needs and mistakes, then I felt responsible to help her.
Now she is older I have broken the cycle and told her she must be responsible for her own mistakes.
Not liking this she thinks I am mean, but I had to get out of the drama triangle.
I have been there for her, given money time etc. She has a short memory, I cannot be that person anymore.
I do feel disappointed, but I am set free from her cycle of drama.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 45 reviews