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Foolproofing Your Life: Wisdom for Untangling Your Most Difficult Relationships
The world is filled with difficult people. It is impossible to avoid them. (You may have one, in particular, in your life right now.) In dealing with such people, we often try a number of coping strategies. Unfortunately, our best attempts at making peace often fail. This is because the difficult people in our lives are often what the Bible calls "fools." And dealing with fools requires a special kind of biblical wisdom.
You've tried everything–from confrontation to passivity. You've found out what doesn't work; now discover what does. Gain the tools you need to get along with others and conduct your relationships in a manner that honors God–and preserves your sanity!–in Foolproofing Your Wisdom for Untangling Your Most Difficult Relationships. Learn how new insights from the book of Proverbs can help you respond to those relationships that seem hard to untangle.
You've tried everything–from confrontation to passivity. You've found out what doesn't work; now discover what does. Gain the tools you need to get along with others and conduct your relationships in a manner that honors God–and preserves your sanity!–in Foolproofing Your Wisdom for Untangling Your Most Difficult Relationships. Learn how new insights from the book of Proverbs can help you respond to those relationships that seem hard to untangle.
240 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1998
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 55 reviews
February 9, 2011
I stumbled on this book after the slow death of what had been a long and very painful emotionally abusive relationship. I had been "left for dead." There was not much of me left. I felt like garbage. Why else had I been treated so badly and then abandoned? I must have somehow deserved it.
Somehow I stumbled on this book. I think I found it on Amazon. In any case, a copy found its way into my hands. I couldn't read it without putting it down every few minutes and sobbing. It was describing my life, and how I had half killed myself trying to satisfy someone who couldn't be satisfied, someone who was always right, someone whose criticisms were as wounding and poisonous as punctures from a rusty nail.
I still wanted to die, but now I understood that what happened was not entirely my fault. I was wrong in that I let it go on for so long. I was guilty of not recognizing lies and manipulation. I was wrong in putting this relationship, at times, above my relationship with God. It was foolish of me not to defend my emotional health and my boundaries; it was foolish of me to project my values and assume that this person cared about me (after all, that's what they said -- occasionally) when their actions suggested otherwise! But I realized that God was still there for me, and that it was possible to walk through the excruciating aftermath one day at a time.
Most liberating of all, I realized that I did not have to let it happen again. I have since seen other "foolish" stickytraps coming and successfully sidestepped them. There's no law that says you can't be somewhere else! I am so grateful to Jan Silvious for spelling out that I must not take responsibility for someone else's physical or emotional wellbeing, that it is not my fault if they choose to make themselves unhappy over my decisions. Sadly, this is not a principle I often hear in church; I believe the first person to tell me anything of the sort was the instructor at a rape prevention class. The similarities are not a coincidence.
If you are trapped in a similarly suffocating relationship, get your hands on this book! There IS a way out and you can find it. I have given dozens of copies away and intend to keep on doing so. Everyone needs to hear this, especially women.
Somehow I stumbled on this book. I think I found it on Amazon. In any case, a copy found its way into my hands. I couldn't read it without putting it down every few minutes and sobbing. It was describing my life, and how I had half killed myself trying to satisfy someone who couldn't be satisfied, someone who was always right, someone whose criticisms were as wounding and poisonous as punctures from a rusty nail.
I still wanted to die, but now I understood that what happened was not entirely my fault. I was wrong in that I let it go on for so long. I was guilty of not recognizing lies and manipulation. I was wrong in putting this relationship, at times, above my relationship with God. It was foolish of me not to defend my emotional health and my boundaries; it was foolish of me to project my values and assume that this person cared about me (after all, that's what they said -- occasionally) when their actions suggested otherwise! But I realized that God was still there for me, and that it was possible to walk through the excruciating aftermath one day at a time.
Most liberating of all, I realized that I did not have to let it happen again. I have since seen other "foolish" stickytraps coming and successfully sidestepped them. There's no law that says you can't be somewhere else! I am so grateful to Jan Silvious for spelling out that I must not take responsibility for someone else's physical or emotional wellbeing, that it is not my fault if they choose to make themselves unhappy over my decisions. Sadly, this is not a principle I often hear in church; I believe the first person to tell me anything of the sort was the instructor at a rape prevention class. The similarities are not a coincidence.
If you are trapped in a similarly suffocating relationship, get your hands on this book! There IS a way out and you can find it. I have given dozens of copies away and intend to keep on doing so. Everyone needs to hear this, especially women.
March 19, 2015
I highly recommend this book for those dealing with difficult relationships. I tend to let my empathy get me into a lot of trouble in my relationships. Empathy becomes enabling very quickly. This book is one I return to when I need to sort through my options for dealing with hard things and difficult people.
June 12, 2010
Because of the specificity of this topic, i would not just recommend this book to any group. The idea of this book is very similar to Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend, however it is a fresh approach to the topic from a female perspective. Personally, I believe that these concepts are invaluable to everyone, no matter where they are in their faith journey. What I love about this book, more than Boundaries, is that Jan Silvious leads you carefully through Scripture, reassuring you that this is more than pop psychology. This book can easily be done in a small group setting as there are discussion questions at the end of each chapter.
July 1, 2013
Jan Silvious is my favorite author. Reading her books is like sitting down with not only an educated Psychologist and Christian counselor, but a down to earth very good friend. I have learned so much from her godly advice mixed with logic and humor and yet she knows exactly how the other person treats you and how you feel also; adding in the Word of God so that you end up laughing after you cry, on the road to healing and understanding the great worth God sees in YOU! Thank you Jan! You have answered the call God placed on your life and have changed many! God Bless YOU!
May 25, 2022
A friend gave me this book for the brief section in the back, in the Q and A, about the possibility of losing salvation, a topic I've been studying lately, and a topic of some debate.
I'd rate this book between a 4 and a 5. I'd definitely re-read it, which would make it 5 stars, but I felt like it left out some critical information, maybe a whole section's worth, that should have come before the other ones. This new section would be on basic reconciliation skills, being able to talk through problems, hear other points of view, understand the pros and cons of each position, etc.
So many people are quick to label someone a narcissist when they simply disagree, or, especially today, people go to extremes when simplicity would suffice for minor issues. This book is for when basic interpersonal skills don't work, but it does assume that basic reconciliation skills have been consistently tried without success. There do still exist people who can work through difficulties with others, but those are becoming more and more rare, and I feel like there needs to be a book on coaching people through that first.
A quick primer on it would include, among other verses:
"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector." - Jesus in Matthew 18:15-17, NIV
Every portion of this is worth noting.
One of my kids brought up the point that this starts out "If your brother..." That is, if it's someone who should care about you, not someone truly dangerous, like a mass murderer or a rapist. Other verses cover those topics. I do think that Jesus meant a wider group of people than just your flesh-and-blood brothers, but I would think that it meant someone who does, or who should, care about you and about the relationship.
"Sins against you." There has to be an understanding if this is actually a sin or is it just a difference of opinion. While I wouldn't want someone to cherry pick a verse, but read it in context, a good rule of thumb would be what does the Bible say about that topic? Does it consider it to be a sin? Whether or not to share said verse would be a matter of wisdom. I'm only talking about clarity for your own self. If it's a matter of opinion, then shrug and go on. I like the color green and you like the color blue. So what? But if you have truly been injured by another's sin against you, then that's another matter.
"Against you." If it's not against you, then why are you interfering? If you are speaking on someone else's behalf, are they capable of speaking for themselves? If so, it would be better for all concerned if they were the ones speaking. If they are infants or incapacitated patients or have mental disorders then that's a different story.
"Like one who seizes a dog by the ears
is a passer-by who meddles in a quarrel not his own." - Proverbs 26:17, NIV
Because you would get injured. Because people need to learn how to speak up for themselves. And yet ...
"Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves,
for the rights of all who are destitute."- Isaiah 31:8, NIV
Back to Jesus's words in Matthew. There's the word "go." Make the effort. Approach the person who has offended you.
"Show him his fault." Don't go and hang out and pretend everything's okay. Actually have a conversation about the elephant in the room.
"Just between the two of you." So that he can "save face" in front of others. So, it will be easier for him to react in humility without wondering what so-and-so would think. So, there's no gossip or ugly rumors about him that would only get half the story right.
The rest of that passage is good, too. You get the idea.
Now, onto this book, when normal conversations don't work.
I thought this book was very good and had a lot of depth in pulling out truths from the Bible.
It did well on balancing Matthew 5:20-22 telling us not to call someone a fool (with dangerous consequences!) versus all the other verses that do call people a fool. Those other verses, though, I would say, generally describe an action the person takes that shows himself to be a fool. It's their listed action or behavior that categorizes them as a fool, not some judgment on our part, and not, as Jan Silvious pointed out with James 1:20, our anger.
And, as this book pointed out elsewhere, we all might have foolish behaviors from time to time and that does not mean we are worthless people. The book was quick to show that God loves not only us, but the "fools" in our lives - in any familial or business relationship.
I appreciated that this book made the distinction between the three types of Biblical fools: kesil (dull, stubborn, and closed mind, particularly to correction), nabal (lacking spiritual perception), and ewil (hardened, bitter, unbending over longstanding time.) I had never known that or appreciated the distinctions before.
"Developing the mindset of a fool, a mindset that insists, 'The rest of the world is really skewed, but I am okay.' This chronic way of thinking is developed when people, out of their own neediness, try to become their own need meeters. Such a position is not uncommon; we all try it. The difference between fools and wise persons is that when wise people discover they can't meet their own needs, they eventually look somewhere else."
I found that to be interesting, because as our world deteriorates, it's easier and easier to think that, among the wildness out there, we are actually doing pretty well. It's also interesting to me that self-reliance could be related to having a fool's mindset. Jan Silvious gave several examples of people who discovered they weren't self-sufficient. That's interesting to me, because recently I've given my own old story of that discovery twice, once to my Sunday School class, and once in a conversation to a friend.
"You know you are right, and you believe you should say something. But the minute you do, it all gets turned around, and somehow you have become the troublemaker." Hmm. Interesting.
It's also interesting to me that the Hebrew word for arrogant is "crosses over all boundaries." That puts a different spin on it. I generally think of boundary-crossers as merely un-informed people who haven't been told yet where the boundaries are. And those naïve boundary-crossers do exist, particularly in children, but not only in children. We also need to make sure that we are not crossing others' boundaries in letting them know where our boundaries are. There are kind ways to do it. "I need ... a minute, some space, some time to think, whatever."
Somehow I hadn't studied at this Proverb before: "When a wise man has a controversy with a foolish man, the foolish man either rages or laughs, and there is no rest." - Proverbs 29:9, NASB
On the other hand, this Proverb is very familiar to me: "Do you see a man wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him." - Proverbs 26:12. I use it to try to remind myself not to get too haughty when things are going well.
I went through the list on page 113 of feelings about the fools in your life and found that almost none of them applied to me. Sometimes I do feel "as if I must protect my heart from my fool," but I do try to be fair to them also, without too much distance. There is a balance there. [I like the spoon quote further down below.]
Likewise, there was a list of questions on 115 about doing things because of your fool that you thought you'd never do. I found that I don't do those things, either. I will go along with a lot that doesn't really matter to me, but when things matter to me, I insist on having my own autonomy in the matter, to decide, as best I can, right from wrong, before God. Not that I'm always capable in myself of doing the right thing quite apart from any relationship or consideration with a fool, but that I don't just go with the flow, and I say so.
"When you allow a fool to define who you are and you fail to correct his definition, you become the exact representation of who the fool says you are." I found that to be interesting, because I don't do that either. I insist on evidence that I've done something wrong or that I'm something negative. I don't just take other people's word for it. And I may enter a period of time considering whether or not it's true, but if I really feel like it didn't fit, then it doesn't stick.
I thought the "List of Lies I Have Believed" on page 134 was interesting. Most of them didn't apply, but I'll claim two: 1. I can do something to change my fool. Namely, simple reason. (But no, I don't feel responsible for their thinking and behavior.) 2. I owe it to God to keep trying to fix my fool.
I also liked the commentary on 1 Corinthians 13:11. "When I was a child, I use to speak as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things." - 1 Cor. 13:11, NASB
I had never really contemplated what speaking like a child would be like. Jan Silvious had one good idea; there are probably others. Speaking aloud without thinking. And I have been guilty of that.
And thinking and reasoning? Selfishly. "If you are focusing on your fool, expecting him to give you what you want, then you are engaging in childish thinking. When you link up with a fool, you'll find that there is very little thought for you. A fool is so absorbed with himself that his giving is usually self-serving."
"She did not have to have Tad's acceptance to be a whole person. She could be whole with or without his attention or approval." Amen.
"It is a childish dream to believe your fool will become the person you want him to be. It is an immature hope that through what you say or do or try to make happen, your fool will one day turn around and say, 'You know, you are right. I have been wrong. I'm sorry.'"
"But the wisdom from above is first pure ..." - James 3:17, NASB. I hadn't really considered before what would make wisdom pure. William Barclay said when it's "cleansed of all ulterior motive." - The Daily Study Bible.
"When a fool erupts, you need to recognize that the anger being thrown at you is intended to bring about a response. It is designed to make you sad, to make you behave, to make you fearful, or to push you away. If you respond predictably, that anger will be used on you again to elicit your predictable response. If you respond with tears every time, you are predictable. If you withdraw, you are predictable. If you apologize and promise to do better, you are predictable. If you leave, you are predictable. If you fight back, you are predictable."
Interesting. I tend to do what I had intended to do anyway, unless there was a reasonable, compelling reason. (Yes, I have "reason" twice in that sentence. I don't know how else to say it.) But, sometimes, if necessary, or on the spur of the moment, without forethought, I do fight back.
"Fools never see what they do as harmful because their reality is their reality. Truth is whatever they make it out to be; therefore, whatever they do is acceptable in their own eyes."
I had heard part of the explanation of burning coals before, but not all of it, about "But if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap burning coals upon his head." - Romans 12:21, NASB. I had heard before that this referred, not to violence, or to even passive-aggressive pain, but to the practice of one carrying a tray of ashes over their head, an expression of shame. I had not heard that it was also an act of compassion - the giving of a source of heat from one person to another.
"Being kind to him doesn't mean giving in to his manipulation and demands and responding with 'good stuff.' When you understand that the fool's most desperate need is to wise up, then your generous kindness becomes a strategy to point out his folly. By your goodness you will paint a contrast that maybe even your fool can 'get.' And whether or not your fool 'gets it,' you will have done the right thing. Your goal in relating to your fool will be to overcome his evil by doing good for the purpose of exposing his folly and bringing the fool to repentance."
I appreciated the discussion on bitterness, forgiveness, and what it does and doesn't mean.
"When you encounter one of these people, you are probably polite, kind, and share only the information that needs to be given in order to conduct the business you have. When you detach from your fool, he becomes this kind of 'stranger' to you. You do not open yourself up for intimate conversation about either of you, but you do speak with civility and kindness."
I liked the saying from Kentucky (although I'm from Kentucky and I've never heard it): "That's when you feed someone with a long-handled spoon!"
"You must speak the truth with strength and dignity. In doing so, you are assuming responsibility and not leaving it up to your fool to define you or your relationship with him. Knowing that one of the major marks of a fool is his unwillingness to look at the facts, you may ask, 'What good will it do to speak the truth if it is just going to be thrown in my face?' Think about it, my friend: Maybe you need to speak the truth for you. Maybe you need to hear yourself calmly saying what is true instead of arguing and using angry words as weapons to defend yourself or wound your fool. It is important to speak the truth, even if only one of you is listening. When you simply speak the truth and then refuse to be drawn into combat, your wisdom will lead you to safety."
"To be sure, the fool in your life will not look kindly on your change, because for you to change means that he is no longer in control. Consequently, he will respond with anger in one way or another. It is important to recognize what your fool's anger is all about and why it has no power to harm you. Your fool wants to control, so when you leave him to face God and the consequences alone, the fool's anger will have lost some of its punch. He will become uncomfortable. This may intensify your difficulty for a while, but if you are committed to being a wise person, you will remain steadfast. When you are rejected, badgered, raged at, or manipulated, you will be able to persevere in the course you have chosen if you remember there is great purpose in what you re doing... a strength that only God can give as you seek Him rather than grope to settle things for yourself."
"She treated her kindly, but made it clear that her own life was going on apart from her daughter's crisis."
I had to cringe a little at the Jeremiah 29:11-14 passage because I felt it was taken out of context.
Favorite quotes:
"We say, then, to anyone who is under trial, give Him time to steep the soul in His eternal truth. go into the open air, look up into the depths of the sky, or out upon the wideness of the sea or on the strength of the hills that is His also, or, if bound in the body, go forth in the spirit; spirit is not bound. give him time and, as surely as dawn follows night, there will break upon the heart a sense of certainty that cannot be shaken." - Amy Carmichael in "Gold Cord"
"I have a lovely word for you: Luke 4:30. 'Jesus passing through the midst of them went His way.' We are meant to pass through the midst of whatever comes and not get upset or even inwardly ruffled." - Amy Carmichael in "Candles in the Dark"
"We cannot convict of sin, create hunger and thirst after God, or convert. These are miracles, and miracles are not in our department." - Ruth Bell Graham in "Prodigals and Those Who Love Them" (I love that book, by the way.)
"Good and upright is the LORD;
therefore He instructs sinners in His ways." - Psalm 25:8
I'd rate this book between a 4 and a 5. I'd definitely re-read it, which would make it 5 stars, but I felt like it left out some critical information, maybe a whole section's worth, that should have come before the other ones. This new section would be on basic reconciliation skills, being able to talk through problems, hear other points of view, understand the pros and cons of each position, etc.
So many people are quick to label someone a narcissist when they simply disagree, or, especially today, people go to extremes when simplicity would suffice for minor issues. This book is for when basic interpersonal skills don't work, but it does assume that basic reconciliation skills have been consistently tried without success. There do still exist people who can work through difficulties with others, but those are becoming more and more rare, and I feel like there needs to be a book on coaching people through that first.
A quick primer on it would include, among other verses:
"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector." - Jesus in Matthew 18:15-17, NIV
Every portion of this is worth noting.
One of my kids brought up the point that this starts out "If your brother..." That is, if it's someone who should care about you, not someone truly dangerous, like a mass murderer or a rapist. Other verses cover those topics. I do think that Jesus meant a wider group of people than just your flesh-and-blood brothers, but I would think that it meant someone who does, or who should, care about you and about the relationship.
"Sins against you." There has to be an understanding if this is actually a sin or is it just a difference of opinion. While I wouldn't want someone to cherry pick a verse, but read it in context, a good rule of thumb would be what does the Bible say about that topic? Does it consider it to be a sin? Whether or not to share said verse would be a matter of wisdom. I'm only talking about clarity for your own self. If it's a matter of opinion, then shrug and go on. I like the color green and you like the color blue. So what? But if you have truly been injured by another's sin against you, then that's another matter.
"Against you." If it's not against you, then why are you interfering? If you are speaking on someone else's behalf, are they capable of speaking for themselves? If so, it would be better for all concerned if they were the ones speaking. If they are infants or incapacitated patients or have mental disorders then that's a different story.
"Like one who seizes a dog by the ears
is a passer-by who meddles in a quarrel not his own." - Proverbs 26:17, NIV
Because you would get injured. Because people need to learn how to speak up for themselves. And yet ...
"Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves,
for the rights of all who are destitute."- Isaiah 31:8, NIV
Back to Jesus's words in Matthew. There's the word "go." Make the effort. Approach the person who has offended you.
"Show him his fault." Don't go and hang out and pretend everything's okay. Actually have a conversation about the elephant in the room.
"Just between the two of you." So that he can "save face" in front of others. So, it will be easier for him to react in humility without wondering what so-and-so would think. So, there's no gossip or ugly rumors about him that would only get half the story right.
The rest of that passage is good, too. You get the idea.
Now, onto this book, when normal conversations don't work.
I thought this book was very good and had a lot of depth in pulling out truths from the Bible.
It did well on balancing Matthew 5:20-22 telling us not to call someone a fool (with dangerous consequences!) versus all the other verses that do call people a fool. Those other verses, though, I would say, generally describe an action the person takes that shows himself to be a fool. It's their listed action or behavior that categorizes them as a fool, not some judgment on our part, and not, as Jan Silvious pointed out with James 1:20, our anger.
And, as this book pointed out elsewhere, we all might have foolish behaviors from time to time and that does not mean we are worthless people. The book was quick to show that God loves not only us, but the "fools" in our lives - in any familial or business relationship.
I appreciated that this book made the distinction between the three types of Biblical fools: kesil (dull, stubborn, and closed mind, particularly to correction), nabal (lacking spiritual perception), and ewil (hardened, bitter, unbending over longstanding time.) I had never known that or appreciated the distinctions before.
"Developing the mindset of a fool, a mindset that insists, 'The rest of the world is really skewed, but I am okay.' This chronic way of thinking is developed when people, out of their own neediness, try to become their own need meeters. Such a position is not uncommon; we all try it. The difference between fools and wise persons is that when wise people discover they can't meet their own needs, they eventually look somewhere else."
I found that to be interesting, because as our world deteriorates, it's easier and easier to think that, among the wildness out there, we are actually doing pretty well. It's also interesting to me that self-reliance could be related to having a fool's mindset. Jan Silvious gave several examples of people who discovered they weren't self-sufficient. That's interesting to me, because recently I've given my own old story of that discovery twice, once to my Sunday School class, and once in a conversation to a friend.
"You know you are right, and you believe you should say something. But the minute you do, it all gets turned around, and somehow you have become the troublemaker." Hmm. Interesting.
It's also interesting to me that the Hebrew word for arrogant is "crosses over all boundaries." That puts a different spin on it. I generally think of boundary-crossers as merely un-informed people who haven't been told yet where the boundaries are. And those naïve boundary-crossers do exist, particularly in children, but not only in children. We also need to make sure that we are not crossing others' boundaries in letting them know where our boundaries are. There are kind ways to do it. "I need ... a minute, some space, some time to think, whatever."
Somehow I hadn't studied at this Proverb before: "When a wise man has a controversy with a foolish man, the foolish man either rages or laughs, and there is no rest." - Proverbs 29:9, NASB
On the other hand, this Proverb is very familiar to me: "Do you see a man wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him." - Proverbs 26:12. I use it to try to remind myself not to get too haughty when things are going well.
I went through the list on page 113 of feelings about the fools in your life and found that almost none of them applied to me. Sometimes I do feel "as if I must protect my heart from my fool," but I do try to be fair to them also, without too much distance. There is a balance there. [I like the spoon quote further down below.]
Likewise, there was a list of questions on 115 about doing things because of your fool that you thought you'd never do. I found that I don't do those things, either. I will go along with a lot that doesn't really matter to me, but when things matter to me, I insist on having my own autonomy in the matter, to decide, as best I can, right from wrong, before God. Not that I'm always capable in myself of doing the right thing quite apart from any relationship or consideration with a fool, but that I don't just go with the flow, and I say so.
"When you allow a fool to define who you are and you fail to correct his definition, you become the exact representation of who the fool says you are." I found that to be interesting, because I don't do that either. I insist on evidence that I've done something wrong or that I'm something negative. I don't just take other people's word for it. And I may enter a period of time considering whether or not it's true, but if I really feel like it didn't fit, then it doesn't stick.
I thought the "List of Lies I Have Believed" on page 134 was interesting. Most of them didn't apply, but I'll claim two: 1. I can do something to change my fool. Namely, simple reason. (But no, I don't feel responsible for their thinking and behavior.) 2. I owe it to God to keep trying to fix my fool.
I also liked the commentary on 1 Corinthians 13:11. "When I was a child, I use to speak as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things." - 1 Cor. 13:11, NASB
I had never really contemplated what speaking like a child would be like. Jan Silvious had one good idea; there are probably others. Speaking aloud without thinking. And I have been guilty of that.
And thinking and reasoning? Selfishly. "If you are focusing on your fool, expecting him to give you what you want, then you are engaging in childish thinking. When you link up with a fool, you'll find that there is very little thought for you. A fool is so absorbed with himself that his giving is usually self-serving."
"She did not have to have Tad's acceptance to be a whole person. She could be whole with or without his attention or approval." Amen.
"It is a childish dream to believe your fool will become the person you want him to be. It is an immature hope that through what you say or do or try to make happen, your fool will one day turn around and say, 'You know, you are right. I have been wrong. I'm sorry.'"
"But the wisdom from above is first pure ..." - James 3:17, NASB. I hadn't really considered before what would make wisdom pure. William Barclay said when it's "cleansed of all ulterior motive." - The Daily Study Bible.
"When a fool erupts, you need to recognize that the anger being thrown at you is intended to bring about a response. It is designed to make you sad, to make you behave, to make you fearful, or to push you away. If you respond predictably, that anger will be used on you again to elicit your predictable response. If you respond with tears every time, you are predictable. If you withdraw, you are predictable. If you apologize and promise to do better, you are predictable. If you leave, you are predictable. If you fight back, you are predictable."
Interesting. I tend to do what I had intended to do anyway, unless there was a reasonable, compelling reason. (Yes, I have "reason" twice in that sentence. I don't know how else to say it.) But, sometimes, if necessary, or on the spur of the moment, without forethought, I do fight back.
"Fools never see what they do as harmful because their reality is their reality. Truth is whatever they make it out to be; therefore, whatever they do is acceptable in their own eyes."
I had heard part of the explanation of burning coals before, but not all of it, about "But if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap burning coals upon his head." - Romans 12:21, NASB. I had heard before that this referred, not to violence, or to even passive-aggressive pain, but to the practice of one carrying a tray of ashes over their head, an expression of shame. I had not heard that it was also an act of compassion - the giving of a source of heat from one person to another.
"Being kind to him doesn't mean giving in to his manipulation and demands and responding with 'good stuff.' When you understand that the fool's most desperate need is to wise up, then your generous kindness becomes a strategy to point out his folly. By your goodness you will paint a contrast that maybe even your fool can 'get.' And whether or not your fool 'gets it,' you will have done the right thing. Your goal in relating to your fool will be to overcome his evil by doing good for the purpose of exposing his folly and bringing the fool to repentance."
I appreciated the discussion on bitterness, forgiveness, and what it does and doesn't mean.
"When you encounter one of these people, you are probably polite, kind, and share only the information that needs to be given in order to conduct the business you have. When you detach from your fool, he becomes this kind of 'stranger' to you. You do not open yourself up for intimate conversation about either of you, but you do speak with civility and kindness."
I liked the saying from Kentucky (although I'm from Kentucky and I've never heard it): "That's when you feed someone with a long-handled spoon!"
"You must speak the truth with strength and dignity. In doing so, you are assuming responsibility and not leaving it up to your fool to define you or your relationship with him. Knowing that one of the major marks of a fool is his unwillingness to look at the facts, you may ask, 'What good will it do to speak the truth if it is just going to be thrown in my face?' Think about it, my friend: Maybe you need to speak the truth for you. Maybe you need to hear yourself calmly saying what is true instead of arguing and using angry words as weapons to defend yourself or wound your fool. It is important to speak the truth, even if only one of you is listening. When you simply speak the truth and then refuse to be drawn into combat, your wisdom will lead you to safety."
"To be sure, the fool in your life will not look kindly on your change, because for you to change means that he is no longer in control. Consequently, he will respond with anger in one way or another. It is important to recognize what your fool's anger is all about and why it has no power to harm you. Your fool wants to control, so when you leave him to face God and the consequences alone, the fool's anger will have lost some of its punch. He will become uncomfortable. This may intensify your difficulty for a while, but if you are committed to being a wise person, you will remain steadfast. When you are rejected, badgered, raged at, or manipulated, you will be able to persevere in the course you have chosen if you remember there is great purpose in what you re doing... a strength that only God can give as you seek Him rather than grope to settle things for yourself."
"She treated her kindly, but made it clear that her own life was going on apart from her daughter's crisis."
I had to cringe a little at the Jeremiah 29:11-14 passage because I felt it was taken out of context.
Favorite quotes:
"We say, then, to anyone who is under trial, give Him time to steep the soul in His eternal truth. go into the open air, look up into the depths of the sky, or out upon the wideness of the sea or on the strength of the hills that is His also, or, if bound in the body, go forth in the spirit; spirit is not bound. give him time and, as surely as dawn follows night, there will break upon the heart a sense of certainty that cannot be shaken." - Amy Carmichael in "Gold Cord"
"I have a lovely word for you: Luke 4:30. 'Jesus passing through the midst of them went His way.' We are meant to pass through the midst of whatever comes and not get upset or even inwardly ruffled." - Amy Carmichael in "Candles in the Dark"
"We cannot convict of sin, create hunger and thirst after God, or convert. These are miracles, and miracles are not in our department." - Ruth Bell Graham in "Prodigals and Those Who Love Them" (I love that book, by the way.)
"Good and upright is the LORD;
therefore He instructs sinners in His ways." - Psalm 25:8
April 22, 2016
I read this a couple of years ago and it changed my life. For some of us, it is very, very difficult to detach from unhealthy people-especially any kind of family. It goes against what we have been taught to understand about forgiveness, compassion and acceptance. But, living with "fools," as Silvious calls very difficult people, also forces us to live a lie and swallow a lot of turmoil. Silvious does people like me the enormous, enormous favor of connecting the dots between Christian wisdom and the rightness in protecting ourselves from those who are causing destruction in our lives.
I made a big change after this book in one relationship. It wasn't understood or applauded by those around me because it didn't make things convenient for them and looked like I was becoming less nice. In order to be nice, I kept my peace about why I was putting distance there and it wasn't easy for me. This is the first time I was ever able to withstand letting others judge me in order to be true to myself. I can't say I feel right about it all the time, I'm not built that way, but I am glad the boundary I set with this person exists. I needed the light that this book shone on my situation.
I made a big change after this book in one relationship. It wasn't understood or applauded by those around me because it didn't make things convenient for them and looked like I was becoming less nice. In order to be nice, I kept my peace about why I was putting distance there and it wasn't easy for me. This is the first time I was ever able to withstand letting others judge me in order to be true to myself. I can't say I feel right about it all the time, I'm not built that way, but I am glad the boundary I set with this person exists. I needed the light that this book shone on my situation.
June 16, 2011
Validating, but I kept waiting for her to get to the "how-to"s - it felt like she was saying (very compassionately) "just do it", but I kept thinking "just do what?" or "how do I do that?"
January 9, 2012
Loved this. It put the difficult people in my life in perspective, and I was able to adopt some of the suggestions, resulting in a more peaceful resolution to decisions I had made. I highly recommend:)
March 13, 2014
Great biblical study on learning how to recognize foolish behavior and how to set boundaries with fools.
November 10, 2023
2.5 stars rounded up to 3. This book has some excellent advice and I love how it integrates scripture for guidance when dealing with the fool from Proverbs.
It is VERY problematic though in that it does not consider mental illness or trauma/PTSD as a reason for fools to act the way that they do, and it never even comes close to addressing this. If it did, I would recommend this book to others who have a "fool" in their life that they love.
However, without including mental illness or trauma as a large piece of the puzzle for foolish behavior, I feel this whole book oversimplifies.
It is VERY problematic though in that it does not consider mental illness or trauma/PTSD as a reason for fools to act the way that they do, and it never even comes close to addressing this. If it did, I would recommend this book to others who have a "fool" in their life that they love.
However, without including mental illness or trauma as a large piece of the puzzle for foolish behavior, I feel this whole book oversimplifies.
August 11, 2022
The book was a good intro to the idea of biblical foolishness but it’s attempt to create a biblical category for personality disorders felt biblically and clinically shallow,and this in the hands of the naive could be harmful. The ease and self assuredness the author communicated the topic with felt somewhat ironic and made me uncomfortable. I don’t mean to completely deny any redeemability for this book as it does have an interesting angle and some good insights at times, I just wish it didn’t create a contemporary Christian version of a clinical diagnosis and cover it in dogmatic wrapping paper. So read it, yes, great start, but don’t stop there
February 11, 2011
Although I think this is an important and often misunderstood subject in today's world, the author could have done a much better job explaining the answer to the problem. She spent a good deal of time making sure the subject of the problem was fully understood and that the reader could tell a person who had made some foolish choices from an actual Biblical fool. Yet, she didn't spend nearly the time or effort in presenting the answers to dealing with a fool. Perhaps she got tired and was just ready to stop writing, but I would have appreciated the same depth in the answer as there was to the problem.
November 9, 2020
I read an earlier version of this book. Honestly it probably wasn’t as earth-shattering of a book as I would normally give 5 stars for, but it was exactly what I needed to read/be reminded of at this particular time in my life. It’s very practical, very biblical, and a great book. If it hadn’t felt so relevant to personal situations I probably would have rated it a 4 star. I’d like to get my hands on a copy of the newer updated version. It’s one of the few books that I think I would return to for encouragement and reminders time and time again, because my personality tends to be sympathetic toward those who display foolish behaviors. I know the Truth but reminders are always nice!
November 29, 2007
I heard the author speak on the radio, and immediately went online to order the book. This will be a reference guide on my bookshelf for years to come. With years of experience as a marriage and family counselor, Jan Silvious points the reader to the wisdom of the book of Proverbs in dealing with those sticky relationships in which we find ourselves. This book was like turning a light on in my understanding of how to deal with people. Excellent.
September 13, 2011
If you are dealing with a difficult person in your life (who has perhaps been labeled "bipolar," "borderline personality disorder," etc.), this book is a great resource. The Bible describes such people simply as "fools" - Silvious describes their behavior from a biblical perspective, then gives biblical advice on how to deal effectively with these people. It's a very helpful, encouraging book....
October 24, 2015
This book helps you with the most difficult people in your life, whether it be with friendships, wives, husbands, children, parents, co-workers, grandparents. I liked that Jan Silvious gives practical advice that follows with God's Word, and gives examples of real life situations that have happened. I recommend this book to everyone!
February 3, 2019
A must read for folks that have difficult people in their life to deal with. It is deeply routed in Scripture and provides pratical tips.
Be sure to take time to look through the referenced Scripture. It really enhanced my understanding of how to effectively take steps toward a healthy relationship with those that are a challenge to love.
Be sure to take time to look through the referenced Scripture. It really enhanced my understanding of how to effectively take steps toward a healthy relationship with those that are a challenge to love.
January 25, 2011
I really loved this book. It gave straightforward, biblical counsel on how to deal with the fools in your life. I love that Jan Silvious defined what a fool was, what kinds of fools we encounter in our lives and then how to interact with them in a way that honors God. Great book!
August 13, 2012
Silvious gave some great advice on dealing with the fools in your life. She used sound scripture and real life situations. I had expected to have some "Ah ha" moments but for me, they weren't there. At times though I felt like I was reading parts from my life because it hit so closely to home.
August 8, 2020
This book was such a comfort to me while in the midst of dealing with a difficult relationship. Highly recommend it if you have a relationship where you have a friend/spouse/family member that uses guilt on you for every problem they create.
March 22, 2015
This came to my attention at a perfect time. (Thanks Cindy!) I think I underlined half the book. I found it to be Biblical and full of good helpful advice that I really needed. I know I will be reading it again...slower.
August 8, 2024
I made it through 1/3 of this book then forced myself to skim the rest. This book was recommended to me by a friend, but I found it hard to read. The gist of the book is good, but I got sick of the many stories of the 900 people she writes about. It seemed very repetitive.
November 24, 2012
This book helped me tremendously to get out from the manipulative control of fools in our lives. Biblical wisdom.
July 12, 2015
Really helpful.
September 5, 2021
This book is probably between a 3.5 and a 4 for me.
This book was mentioned many years ago by a lady in a Bible Study I attended. (I think we, as a group, were trying to decide what to study next, and she mentioned she was reading this book and enjoying it. The group didn't decide to do this book, but I remembered the title and later, when I saw it at a discount place, I decided to purchase it. It sat in my TBR pile until recently.)
I appreciated the Bible verses quoted and that they were included in the text (rather than being told to go find a Bible and look them up--of course, that is still an option if context isn't clear from what's quoted or if you have any question in how the author is interpreting a passage.)
For some reason, I was expecting it to be a series of chapters about different types of fools. That's not the case. Instead it's more of a generalized look at "fools"--their motivation(s), our reaction(s), how we change as a result of being involved with a fool, how we can change our behavior and reactions, etc.
This book was mentioned many years ago by a lady in a Bible Study I attended. (I think we, as a group, were trying to decide what to study next, and she mentioned she was reading this book and enjoying it. The group didn't decide to do this book, but I remembered the title and later, when I saw it at a discount place, I decided to purchase it. It sat in my TBR pile until recently.)
I appreciated the Bible verses quoted and that they were included in the text (rather than being told to go find a Bible and look them up--of course, that is still an option if context isn't clear from what's quoted or if you have any question in how the author is interpreting a passage.)
For some reason, I was expecting it to be a series of chapters about different types of fools. That's not the case. Instead it's more of a generalized look at "fools"--their motivation(s), our reaction(s), how we change as a result of being involved with a fool, how we can change our behavior and reactions, etc.
May 6, 2022
Dealing with those difficult people
Ever found yourself caught in a cycle of dealing with someone you are just trying to appease? Maybe you want to get out of the relationship, but don't know exactly what the problem is or how to go about it appropriately.
In her book Jan describes fools in all areas of life, how people relate to the fools in their lives, and how to break the cycle of chaos (whether you are the fool or the one who loves a fool).
She uses scripture (particularly proverbs) in discussing how to deal with fools biblically. There are several instances of the inductive method being used to look at scripture and glean wisdom.
She never uses the words "toxic relationship" but that is definetly what she is describing in some of these chapters.
This book was very helpful in giving perspective, to difficult relationships and giving biblical advice on how to move forward in those relationships without spinning on a hamster wheel.
Ever found yourself caught in a cycle of dealing with someone you are just trying to appease? Maybe you want to get out of the relationship, but don't know exactly what the problem is or how to go about it appropriately.
In her book Jan describes fools in all areas of life, how people relate to the fools in their lives, and how to break the cycle of chaos (whether you are the fool or the one who loves a fool).
She uses scripture (particularly proverbs) in discussing how to deal with fools biblically. There are several instances of the inductive method being used to look at scripture and glean wisdom.
She never uses the words "toxic relationship" but that is definetly what she is describing in some of these chapters.
This book was very helpful in giving perspective, to difficult relationships and giving biblical advice on how to move forward in those relationships without spinning on a hamster wheel.
June 2, 2025
I don’t read much anymore. I’m an audiobook fiend. But this book was worth it in the first three pages. I read through quickly and didn’t do any of the prompted thinking exercises because I was skeptical that this would be worthwhile. After getting through the first pass, I will be re-reading and spending the time to “do the work,” now that I’m convinced the work is worthwhile. This book will not just tell you to cut all the “toxic” people from your life. It won’t allow you to just point fingers at everyone else as a fool and yourself as the victim. It is a balanced look at what a fool is (and isn’t), how to guard against or recover from being a fool, and excellent Biblical strategies for dealing with the fools in your life. Every Christian could greatly benefit from this book, but especially the people pleasers who struggle with healthy boundaries.
October 13, 2017
Yup. Nailed it. Leslie Vernick is right to recommend this one. It's all well & good to commit one's life to Christ, but action needs to follow dedication. We're all foolish in the areas we've not been trained, but some choose to stay there. Not us! Although God's Word speaks for itself through all eternity, it's often useful to read modern applications. This is a helpful guide for when we get confused.
July 23, 2021
I was pleasantly surprised by this book! I read it as part of a book/Bible study with a friend, and we both appreciated it so much! It is very scripturally based, and easy to read. There’s a lot of really practical information, and it makes you look at the Proverbs on wisdom and foolishness in a whole new light.
January 2, 2023
Tough book to just read. It is meant for study, thinking about, and application. Without these, it won't be worth reading. But with study and application, it will help deal with the fools in your life; even if that's you.
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