Overall rating: 1 star
Overall thoughts: This was NOT GOOD. The Sophie Kinsella story was the best one, which I expected because I love her, but I wasn’t expecting almost everything else to be HORRIBLE. Two Turtle-Doves was pretty good as well. All the others were dark and depressing and most of them weren’t even set at Christmas. A lot of the references from the song were just weird and most of the stories themselves were awful. All that to say — read Six Geese A Laying and maybe Two Turtle-Doves; don’t bother with anything else in this horrible collection. This should not be marketed as a Christmas book since only a few stories actually took place at Christmastime. I don’t want to read about cocaine addicts, infidelity, and other stuff like that at any time of the year but especially not at Christmas. Ugh.
A Partridge in a Pear Tree — 1 star
What a horrid story to start the collection! I had no idea what was going on. From what I gather, the Princess of Spain (who narrates in italics) is obsessed with trees and comes to this guy because he has grown a pear tree? And somehow is in love with him because of that? They met, had tea, and then had sex on the kitchen floor. It was weird.
Two Turtle-Doves — 3.5 stars
Well, this was a significant improvement over the first story. Having “Turtle-Dove” be their last name was an interesting touch. Easy enough to follow and I feel like it ended on a hopeful note.
Three French Hens — 1 star
Yeesh that was horrible! The 3 French hens are three women all involved with the same man, and they have to deal with the fallout from that after he dies. Ugh. No Christmas whatsoever and horribly depressing. I’m beginning to see why this collection has such low rating on Goodreads!
Four Calling Birds — 1 star
What the heck was that??? Absolutely no Christmas in this story either and while it was clever to have the four calling birds be four women bingo callers, the weird robbery to teach the guy a lesson (complete with a random scene of oral sex) was completely gross and weird. Hated this one.
Five Gold Rings — 1 star
While I appreciate that this was based on a true story, it was way too dark and depressing to be in a Christmas story! The sound of 5 bullets ringing out as they shot someone is not what I had in mind for 5 gold rings!
Six Geese A-Laying — 5 stars!
I knew Sophie Kinsella, my favorite author (RIP 😢) wouldn’t let me down! This was Christmassy, well developed despite being quite short, and also had some nods to A Christmas Carol. The six geese a-laying are six pregnant women - each with a G name! That was clever and fun. Get it? The six “g”’s a laying?? I love it! Such a great interpretation of the story. And as someone whose own baby was born around Christmas, this really resonated with me in that regard as well. There was some intrigue and humor and it really made all the other duds in the collection worth it. Objectively it might not actually be a 5 star read but compared to everything else in this collection it certainly is!
Seven Swans A-Swimming — 1 star
And we’re back to a horrible story. I don’t like infidelity in books. I also don’t understand the point or what the swans had to do with anything. Is that supposed to be symbolic of her trying to decide to stay faithful to her husband?
Eight Maids A-Milking — 1 star
No! The connection to the 8 maids a milking was a weird little porno story?!?
Nine Ladies Dancing — 2 stars
It wasn’t horrible (which for this story collection is saying a lot!) but I didn’t love it either. It’s a fantasy story which is fine except for the fact that it has nothing to do with Christmas.
Ten Lords A-Leaping — 3 stars
Though I don’t usually like to read mysteries or thrillers around Christmas, this was a Sherlock Holmes style story (complete with a Watson-esque narrator). The lords leaping refers to all the male members of the family dying to suicide from jumps (or “leaps”). I didn’t love that but it was still interesting to see the Holmes character figure out the truth. Also, did that have a reference to the actual Sherlock Holmes at the end? There was a reference to “The Musgrave Ritual.” While I enjoyed the twists and turns of the story it was also very depressing which is not what I want in a Christmas book and it took me forever to figure out that it was not a contemporary.
Eleven Pipers Piping — 1 star
The eleven pipers piping are crack cocaine addicts??? Awful.
Twelve Drummers Drumming — 1 star
Depressing, and had nothing to do with Christmas. Some kind of government protest that went awry?