Flunk. Start.: Reclaiming My Decade Lost in Scientology

by Sands Hall (Reader)

A captivating guide through one woman's struggle to find herself through Scientology, and how she finally escaped


Is there a term for a bad choice, one you continue to make, remaining on a path even as you understand your choice is not good for you? How do you abandon that life, and attempt to live a new one, making sense of the time you had given away so willingly? Flunk. Start. is a candid, revealing memoir of what drew author, actress, and musician Sands Hall to Scientology, how she left the Church after nearly a decade, and how she has finally come to terms with those years that she had previously thought of as lost.


Hall is a captivating guide, describing her slow absorption into the Church, but Flunk. Start. is more than a recounting of her time in Scientology—it’s also about growing up in an eccentric literary family, and the tale of her brilliant, tragic older brother, the playwright Oakley Hall III. It’s a story of navigating relationships—spiritual and familial—and how her desire to know has shaped Hall's life.


In Flunk.Start., Hall is able to resolve rather than expose; to explore rather than condemn. She does so in a gorgeous narrative with a visceral affection for the comforting, beguiling power of words.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Cults, Biography, Religion, Audiobook, True Crime

Audio CD

First published March 1, 2018

Reviews

[Renata · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've read a lot about Scientology (maybe...too much about Scientology?) but this is the first thing I've read that made me understand how a basically #normal person might become a Scientologist. Also it's beautifully written and expresses a lot of very #relatable #ennui . I'd recommend it to anyone who feels vaguely adrift in life even if they aren't extremely interested in Scientology.

[♥Milica♥ · Rating 2 out of 5]

Whenever I give memoirs lower ratings I feel like I have to mention that I'm rating the book, not the author's lived experience.

So this book, it had very little to do with Scientology. Sometimes I don't mind this, if the rest is interesting, but sadly it wasn't (to me, it might be to someone else). The Scientology parts were okay though.

2.5

[Charlene · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't have time to give this book the review it deserves. I got it for free and didn't expect much, but it ended up being a spectacular tour of scientology-- how someone could easily be drawn in, how it controlled their life, and what it was like getting out. Excellent writing, addictive, great book to get lost in.

[femily · Rating 1 out of 5]

I love a good religious/cult escape tale. And a memoir. And most of what’s written by Iowa Writers Workshop womxn.

But this was soooooo Slow. Repetitive. Repetitive. The same stories told multiple times. And only mildly interesting. No real juicy details were spilled.

I only finished it because my mother in law gave it to me. And I wanted to talk about it with her. Otherwise I would have stopped at 1/3 through.

[Crystal Zavala · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sands Halls was raised as an atheist. Her father was a successful author and her mother was a homemaker and ex-Christian Scientist. She was raised to believe that religion was for "Republicans" however her father seemed drawn to spirituality. Sands' had an older brother and two younger sisters. She adored her older brother. When she was in her 20s and living in New York City, her brother suffered a traumatic brain injury and she couldn't cope with the reality that he would never be the same. Subconsciously she moved from NYC to LA to avoid her feelings. Once in LA she was slowly, but efficiently recruited into Scientology by co-workers, new friends, and eventually her first husband.

Sands tells the story of how she was indoctrinated into Scientology. She tried to learn cautiously, but quickly found herself entrenched. Sands found many of the Scientology ideas fascinating and loved the study "tech". Sands spent 7 years fully devoted to Scientology. Her time in Scientology was in the early 80s. This was before the internet, before L. Ron Hubbard passed away, and before David Miscavige became the leader. Sands does a fantastic job explaining what Scientology is and what the lower level courses teach. Sands always had doubts about Scientology, but did her best to suppress them. There seem to be a couple events that really trigger her leave of Scientology.

I really appreciated reading about how an average American, albeit upper middle class, became entrenched in Scientology. It is clear that Sands is extricated from Scientology, however this is not a Scientology bashing book. She states that she did not experience or witness the different abuses that have been made public by prior Sea Org members and other high ranking officials, but she did hear whispers and wonder where all the money was going.

Thank you to Counterpoint Press for providing me with a physical copy. This review reflects my own, unbiased opinion.

[Peacegal · Rating 4 out of 5]

The subject of cults is a fascinating one. Extreme religious groups tend to get their hooks into people at points in their lives in which they are most vulnerable, such as a major life upheaval or tragedy. Sands Hall writes of her own experience in Scientology and the reasons she, with much difficulty, decided to leave it.

The author has certainly lived an unusual life and has quite a story to tell. Scientology has its own vocabulary, and I will admit to becoming tired of all of the jargon and acronyms. Nevertheless, FLUNK, START is a valuable contribution to the discussion of cults and an amazing story.

[Stephen Ryan · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was basically fine. I didn't find Hall's writing style to be particularly good. There's a lot of material here that she seems to think relates to the story of her time in Scientology, but she's never really able to make, for instance, her childhood relationship with her parents really connect in the way she seems to think they should, so the book is longer than it should be. And her insights to Scientology are pretty surface level. Just read Going Clear by Lawrence Wright instead.

[Rachel · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF. I found the writing to be kind of disjointed and navel gazing. I get it. It’s a memoir. But over 350 pages about a woman I’ve never heard of? No, thank you. There is nothing in here that hasn’t already been covered by hundreds of other books, tv shows, and movies. Coming from someone already aware of the atrocities of Scientology, this book is not for me.

[Annika Walter · Rating 1 out of 5]

I chose this book because I enjoy reading about Scientology. Given the title included "Reclaiming", I figured this wouldn't strictly pertain to the church itself. I was right. This in itself would not be an issue, except for the fact that this book was terrible. I would not recommend. The author, who I'm sure is a lovely person, really failed to make connections between her anecdotes and the church. It almost feels like the Scientology portions were inserted after a conversation with an editor who said that it needed more. She repeats herself often, citing the same stories and failing to connect them solidly to her time as a Scientologist. Even her description of her time in the church I found incredibly lackluster. When she discussed her interest of Scientology based on the understanding and research of words and speech, this seemed like such a far fetched, inconsequential thing. She grew up in a family of authors and artists, and never managed to identify the importance of language? Somehow, I highly doubt that. This book was incredibly long-winded and boring through large stretches. Her relationship with Tad was something I also felt frustrated with - she mentions her brother's mother-in-law told her to stay away from him because it would stress Tad out. So she did, for 15 years. Here, she tries to make the tenuous argument that this is what kept their relationship strained, essentially glazing over the troubles that her brother faced and the impact it may have had on her. All in all, I would not recommend this book. It is very loosely Scientology-related. She really doesn't touch on recruiting, organization structure, etc. It is drawn out and boring, with the same anecdotes used throughout. I'll end on a positive note. I really enjoyed listening to the audiobook, as the author has a beautiful voice!

[Marika · Rating 4 out of 5]

Author Sands Hall grew up in a literary family where intellect was valued, and language the currency. Her brother, Oakley Hall III was a brilliant playwright until a tragic fall from a bridge left him brain dead. The accident left her family shattered, with Sands feeling unmoored and craving stability. Rules and stability are the hallmark of Scientology, so it isn’t difficult to imagine her being pulled into the organization. Scientology gave Sands certainty in an uncertain world, until of course, it didn't. An enlightening look into why people join cults and stay in them, even after they become aware that they are indeed, cults.
I read an advance copy and was not compensated.

[Susan · Rating 2 out of 5]

Probably one of the most detailed accounts of what being part of the church of Scientology was like, particularly in the years before Hubbard died, so in terms of informational purposes, it's an important book. That said, Scientology in itself, as a practice? Is the dullest cult ever created. Their days and practice consist almost entirely of staring at each other and defining words our of a dictionary. It sounds much like being stuck in detention, but while also trying to learn basic meditation. I was bored AF reading most of this book. Only two stars.

[Shelley Blanton-Stroud · Rating 5 out of 5]

Of course the topic area of Scientology is riveting and Hall does not disappoint here. But maybe more important to me was the unflinching story of what draws a person to such a rigid, controlling system. In some ways, I want to set it on the shelf next to Emma Cline's Girls. That is a very big compliment.

[Susan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow what an excellent book. If you are looking for a book on Scientology that is shocking with lots of reveals and shocking details this is not the book for you. This is a book full of exploration and inner thoughts of a woman caught up in this cult. It’s very good.

[Dee Dee · Rating 3 out of 5]

Definitely not getting a sensationalized dramatic account of Scientology, but an account that is very specific to the authors experiences. If you are intrigued by this religion, I think this is a book worth reading.

[Carolyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Unexpected favorite.

[Erika Dreifus · Rating 5 out of 5]

It wasn't always easy to read this book, because I know and care about the author (although I knew nothing about this part of her life until she began sharing information about the book). But you needn't be a Sands fan to read it. An interest in learning about Scientology—and about what can cause any of us to make questionable choices—will suffice.

[Len Joy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an extraordinary, compelling memoir. I read it in one weekend, and I am not a binge reader. I even passed on the Academy Awards to read it. (Okay, for me that’s not a huge sacrifice, but still.)

Ostensibly this is the story of the decade the author lost to Scientology. But it is really much more. It is a fascinating, heartbreaking family saga and in its own way, a coming of age tale. A spiritual journey, told with clear-eyed compassion and humor.

Often takedowns of organizations by former members, have less impact because the story painted of the group is so awful that as a reader we are left wondering why or how the writer could have ever been drawn to the organization. But Hall’s memoir is far more damning because she is so judicious – identifying the aspects of Scientology that attracted her and kept her in its thrall for some long, even as her doubts grew.

Hall is a wonderful writer and the skill with which she choreographs this complex story is extraordinary. Interweaving scenes of her bohemian family and especially her brilliant, beloved and doomed brother gives the story a propulsion that makes it difficult to put down (even for the Oscars.)

Highly, highly recommended.

[Dave · Rating 4 out of 5]

Near the end, Hall tells a Scientologist friend that she's writing a memior about two cults: Scientology and the Halls, her literary family. For me, the second clan drew me in. Her father Oakley Hall wrote Warlock one the best Westerns ever.

Sands' memior manages to find the good and bad in both. While Scientologists may blacklist or cut ties with her because she does critique, she makes Scientology seem slightly more reasonable. I understand why people get into it because it teaches life skills called "the Tech".

Sands relays some of those skills like closing the communication loop, looking to past events that cause problems in the present, and honesty. Scientology has "overts" which are sins. Treating people like you'd like to be treated is Kant's categorical imperative and Christ's golden rule. To do otherwise is a sin.

One example Sands gives is if you do something wrong to someone and instead of apologizing for it you rationalize, now you don't like that person because you did something. This isn't religion just clear thinking. Same goes with attributing some accidents to prior bad acts or fears.

Scientology also has a rigorous confession and penance system to compliment its sin and guilt.

But Scientology goes to far when it insists everything happens because of something you did in the past, even in the womb or a previous life. Scientology is very self centered, there is no charity because poor people and Hurricane victims brought it on themselves. The initial courses are relatively cheap but the people who get into get bilked. with the advent of the internet, the veil of secrecy has led to more defections.

Scientology is also big on getting at the real meaning of the word and its etymology. As a writer and reader this is basic stuff but too often people define words in context.

Take religion. Religion is defined as a belief in a higher superhuman power. it's Latin root means to bind. Scientology meets the definition, but people don't see the trappings of older religions and define contextually.

Scientology encourages creative types like actors, musicians, writers But Sands finds the problem first hand she can't write because instead of reading great texts, she's reading L Ron Hubbard - you write how you read.

Sands walks away praising the basic tenants - "the Tech" - and slamming the organization. As a Catholic I can say welcome to organized religion.

There is also a very touching story between Sands and her brother as well as her relationship her father.

Come for the memior about one cult and stay for the other.

[Debra · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a fiercely honest book and a compelling read. I was certain, given Sands Hall’s earlier work, that it would be beautifully written, but I was delightfully impressed by the depth of self-reflection throughout this memoir. Not once does she let herself off the hook or slip into victimhood, but instead truly examines her own motivations and foibles and self-delusions. And what a story it is! I had little idea of scientology’s initial draw and the trap it becomes once you’re in. Sands Hall describes the culti-like whirlwind force with tremendous power. Her family’s complicated dynamic (and oh boy is it complicated) is every bit as fascinating and troubling. She kept me right in there, from beginning to end.

[Laura · Rating 3 out of 5]

Finally! Despite reading many, many books about Scientology, I've never had a clear idea as to how this is a religion. Where is the worship? the rituals? Thanks to this book, I have a better idea (spoiler: there really isn't worship or rituals). Ms. Hall's story of getting drawn in to Scientology, her relationships with her family and friends, and eventual leaving Scientology behind will interest anyone finding themselves getting involved with any group at a young, impressionable age. The overwhelming need to fit in, to find a 'home' is universal, and her continuing to question that home will resonate with many who have wondered about their 'home'.

[Dorothy Rice · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reclaiming My Decade Lost in Scientology is the kind of memoir I'm most drawn to. The writer has done the hard work of revisiting a difficult period of her life, reflecting deeply on where she was emotionally at that time, how the experience changed her, and what it taught her about life, others and herself. Anyone who has made a choice they've later had reason to regret or trouble extracting themselves from (which likely means most people) will find Sands Hall's story and journey relatable, insightful and engaging.

[Jan M Flynn · Rating 5 out of 5]

An engrossing, frank, and hypnotically structured account of the author's years-long immersion, only half-willing, into Scientology, FLUNK.START is much more than an exposé. Much has been written elsewhere about the more sensational horrors of Scientology as a mind-bending, life-eating cult. Hall writes of her experiences with deep honesty and acknowledgment of the so-called Church's methods of seducing, entangling, and ultimately hijacking the minds of the susceptible. But even more compelling is her examination of what led her, as well as friends and lovers whom she portrays as intelligent, gifted, and principled, into its ever-deepening circles. This book is far from a screed; although she is clear (pardon the pun) about the negative, even evil aspects of Scientology, she also writes of its, for lack of a better word, charms: the beguiling structure, the engrossing study, especially the fervid examination of words. Hall's upbringing, in a family glittering with talent and intellectual achievement, her parents sophisticated, adventurous, and certain of their elevated tastes and attitudes, throws a shadow equal to its brilliance.That, along with a central tragedy involving a beloved older brother, contributes to an earnest, perilous kind of innocence in Hall that seems to set her up as an ideal if reluctant disciple of a "religion" she finds herself increasingly enmeshed within, even while tortured by doubt as well as grieved by the horrified reaction of her parents. As someone who has been bewildered by more than one dear friend's excursion into the murky depths of Scientology, I am deeply grateful to Hall for her balanced, brave memoir. Though vastly different in tone and subject, Flunk.Start. puts me in mind of Jeanette Walls' The Glass Castle, for its captivating, can't-put-this-book-down structure.

[Erin Hale · Rating 4 out of 5]

An intense look into the life of someone who had initially resisted the influence & draws to Scientology but then eventually got pulled into their system of devotees & spent many of her prime years dedicated to its causes.

Sands Hall breaks down her own painful memories that led her into the throes of the religious cult, and the many attempts by her family & outsiders who questioned her choice to stick with the "church" in spite of her own harboring hesitations & doubts with it. She lays out the lessons, methodology, steps & processes that indoctrinates someone into the Scientologist lifestyle, as well as a few of the positive attributes that she found beneficial including things that she still utilizes even after separating from the organization. There is careful attention given to things that worked for her in retaining her interest in the group as well as the more shocking things she discovered as she went further up into the ranks that ultimately led her to escape.

Her story gives a voice to so many who suffer from shame or regret over things they have chosen or paths that didn't lead to the certainty one hopes for, and serves as an uplifting example of overcoming such defeats & moving forward with lessons learned & a stronger sense of purpose. Her love of words & well-written explanations of concepts drilled in scientology made this an addictively satisfying book. With a controversial subject matter that could result in personal ramifications, & knowingly stepping into a critical sphere of such an influential cult, the story takes guts & grit to release, and I'm grateful to have taken in her journey.

[Dorothy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Flunk. Start is named for the Scientology training key words for getting someone to try again when they make an error in reciting a lesson. While not an easy read, the book is a well-defined documentation of what goes on within the early training to be a Scientologist. The author fell under their pull at a time of particular vulnerability, after her brother suffered a life changing traumatic head injury after falling from a bridge. She worked as a waitress, a part-time actor, wrote songs and had a continuing love affair with the written word. It took awhile for this book to get moving. An early section is devoted to some of the tedious references and examples of Scientology training courses. It becomes more interesting as details of her family evolve and you begin to see how she is drawn to Scientology, but never totally claims it for herself. She becomes isolated from family and her friends become her fellow Scientologists. She refers briefly to the Sea org where followers sign up for billions of years and endure hardship receiving no money and a huge bill if they attempt to leave. She is aware of the tremendous amounts of money being poured into the coffers, but can't see how it is being spent. She chronicles the changes after the death of L. Ron Hubbard. Despite her doubts, she is unable to leave. Time and again she commits to leaving, but it takes her seven years and another three to really divorce herself from the pull to return.

[Kelsey · Rating 3 out of 5]

If you are looking for a tell all about the horrors of the Church of Scientology, this isn’t it. This book mentions a few things like disconnecting from those outside of the church or the RPF which is basically Scientology’s gulag. Her story doesn’t much involve these things though. Much of her time in the church was spent while Hubbard was in charge. If you have read much about Scientology, then you are aware that many of the horror stories happen under David Miscavige’s leadership, after Hubbard’s death. This is very much the story of one woman’s journey through Scientology. I am sure many people associated with Scientology can relate to her experience. I grew up Catholic so I can relate to the constant feelings of guilt that she feels. I have read multiple books and watched multiple documentaries on the Church of Scientology. I wanted this book to be like the previous ones I have read and watched. Ones that have horrific stories and blow the lid off of the church. This story wasn’t that. While that disappointed me a little bit, I can still appreciate her story. Since it wasn’t so over the top, I could relate a little better. We have all dated someone or had a friend whom we kept defending over and over even though our parents or other friends didn’t understood our obsession or need to stick it out. Sands intertwining with the church is very much like that and therefore very relatable. If you want something over the top then I suggest Leah Remini or Mike Rinder’s books.

[Dervela · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was gifted this book from the book publisher, which I’m grateful for because I don’t know if I would have picked this book up on its own. However, once I read the back cover summary, I was instantly intrigued.

Prior to picking up this book, I knew very little about Scientology, apart from what I’ve read in the media about famous celebrities falling to this cult-like religion. Reading Sands memoir was eye-opening. Her writing is completely raw and moving. She does an excellent job of explaining what drew her to the church, illustrating her time as a Scientologist, and describing her moral struggle to leave the church and move on with her life.

I was fascinated during this entire memoir, perhaps because of how open and honest Sands is with narrating her life story and struggles to find herself. I think everyone in life grapples with their life’s purpose or religion happiness or career. I didn’t feel I was being lectured to, but instead learned the ins and outs of Scientology and it’s history. I found the etymology and Sands obsessions with words to be relatable, as a writer. I also found her career journey to be quite compelling. The author does a great job of showing, not telling, something all writers are trained to do. Overall, I was pleasantly surprised by this book and couldn’t put it down!

[Reade · Rating 5 out of 5]

It seems like there's a new book out every few months now about Scientology, each a horror story of totalitarian control and physical and mental abuse. I take hope from these accounts of leaving the church, that more and more Scientologists are seeing the light. Maybe, just maybe, my older brother will find his way to freedom after 50 years in the cult.

Hall's discussion of the hold the cult had over her and how that manifested was especially interesting and gave me insight into why my brother, a physics genius, would throw away lucrative careers to remain in a cult.

Some reviewers thought the book was boring, with not enough said about Scientology and too much about the writer's own life and travails outside Scientology. I appreciated the detail about her family, which provided background on how an intelligent and gifted young woman could become trapped in such a destructive cult. Emotional abuse from a dictatorial father from a young age may help to explain my brother's fall into the welcoming arms of cultists. When everyone else had failed him, Scientology gave him purpose and a way forward, from perceived abandonment to the overly-controlled life of a cult member.

That Hall made her escape and moved on to become successful in her areas of expertise provides a tiny beacon of hope that "if she can do it, so can others," including my brother.

[Chris Bragg · Rating 4 out of 5]

With all the mystic and rhetoric surrounding Scientology these days, this book gives you great insight into what belonging to the church meant during the end of the L Ron Hubbard era. How the bulk of its members lived and ineracted with the church and its philosophies. Sands Hall's account of her life during her 20s and 30s when she was a member of the church, really shows the reader how we all seem to search for things and often find them, even if they might be wrong for us. I found her journey could have easily been mine or anyone's jwhen trying to find oneself and ones place. Although the title refers to common practices in Scientology, it does show that she, as we all might, can flunk a period in our lives but we can always just start again. It is the starting again that in the end matters. A lovely read that feels like chatting with a friend you haven't seen in awhile.

[Renee Beonet · Rating 5 out of 5]

There are some people who are complaining that this is too much of the author's personal life and not enough about Scientology, but for me that's what makes this book compelling. I want to know; how on earth does a Normal Person with no previous connections become entangled in this sort of thing? What are the holes in her soul that she tried to fill with Scientology, and how did she come to the eventual conclusion that Scientology made things worse, not better? And that's what this book delivered on.
If you're looking for a book about the minutiae, history, methods, and philosophy of Scientology, skip this one. Of course it addresses these but not in any real depth.
If you are looking for a personal story about a belief system taking advantage of one woman's weaknesses, and how she had to confront those weaknesses before she could leave, read this.

[Carla (There Might Be Cupcakes Podcast) · Rating 2 out of 5]

1.5 stars.

Autobiographies are risky. People fib about themselves, either on purpose or unconsciously. They go in tangents in or to brag or hide.

Hall spends a great deal of this book telling us how amazing her birth family is—they stomped all over Europe and she pretended to be an oracle on the moors of Scotland while other kids were in school—when they actually weren’t—they were judgmental and verbally abusive. I didn’t want to spend that much time reading about the Marvelous Mighty Halls, or about how Sands Hall is an Educated Talented Writer. I wanted to read about Scientology’s effect upon a person. I got very little of that in a quite long book. I’m returning it to Audible.

Side note: I now know all about Sands’ time on Guiding Light, but it’s not in the IMDb. Odd.