Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social Anxieties

by Jonathan Berent, Amy Lemley

Replace Rejection and Fear with Self-Respect Almost everyone feels shy or slightly stressed in certain kinds of situations -- with new people, on a job interview, or on a first date. Jonathan Berent has helped thousands who suffer from shyness become calm, confident, and socially adept. He shows how even extremely shy people can overcome the low self-esteem and frustration that settle in after years of social disappointments and rejection, and gradually move toward mastery of the situations they find most difficult. * Learn about treatment for adults, teenagers, and children (with special advice for parents)
* Practice specific goal-setting exercises and new treatment techniques
* Overcome symptoms that block careers, relationships, and personal fulfillment
* Conquer the entire range of problems -- from mild shyness to crippling social phobias
* Achieve lasting self-esteem Through interactive exercises and supportive, encouraging words, Beyond Shyness gives shy people a new chance in the social world, a chance at ease in situations that have long been agonizing. Berent shows how to instill a healing confidence and replace rejection with real self-respect.

Genres: Self Help, Mental Health, Nonfiction, Psychology

288 pages, Paperback

First published April 1, 1993

Reviews

[Andrea · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked that the book started out discussing shyness and what exactly it means, and how it's mistaken for social anxiety. Shy is a catch-all term that describes what people think is a personality trait, but is really fear that prevents the person from doing things they want to do.

It helped that the author was a psychotherapist that studied social anxiety, even though this was written in the 80s. It was encouraging to hear that he's observed people with social anxiety are by nature extremely resistant to getting help, because I struggled with the decision to get help for over a year. I didn't know what he meant when he said the increased awareness of social anxiety was because technological advances and the competitive workplace were taking their toll on society. Wasn't sure how to take that.

He thought families then were less able to hide or protect their family members with social anxiety, and I can say that in 2017 that is still very much the case. No way to hide it in today's world. Its completely exposed.

I didn't agree that shyness and social anxiety is a learned response. I believe people are born shy and that social anxiety is hereditary but can be influenced by the environment. I've read sites that have said social anxiety disorder is hereditary.

It was such a hard concept to accept that he was saying we would see there's no such thing as shyness, and instead we could use the world social anxiety. I believe in shyness! I did feel hopeful that he said it's a psychophysiological response that we can learn to control, and to see our responses as reactions that we've chosen to make and not an unchangeable instinct that has chosen us, which is how it felt.

I came to accept and appreciate this new way of looking at it. It really helped to have him say it was learned so it could be unlearned. Nothing is worse than thinking this is the way I am and I've been dealt a hand I can't play.

That didn't mean I accepted that shyness doesn't exist and it's really social anxiety in disguise, because I've spoken to people who "used to be shy" and have trouble giving presentations and being in front of people who got over it and came to be outgoing. The only thing I could say was that I appreciated that he was trying not to let us give up and be like "I'm shy," and treat it as something that couldn't be changed.

It was so comforting to know that the psychologist himself has moments of anxiety and stress when he does talk shows and appearances. He said his hands become cold which is a physiological sign of the hard work he's doing, but it's a positive anxiety. It would be negative if he avoided the situations that caused it. If he stopped public appearances because he didn't like the physical signs of stress, or to show up but to start thinking about his cold hands and worrying that they can see his hands are clammy or to wonder if he's making sense. That would be counterproductive. That example really put it into perspective and let me see where I've gone wrong for so many years. The appearances are something he wants to do, so he uses the anxiety he has and turns it into positive energy.

I've learned in therapy that anxiety won't go away completely, I might always struggle with it, which seemed like a death sentence at the time but things are coming around and there's hope on the horizon. I thought I'd get the most out of therapy if I read books on the side and got the most help that I could, come at this from all sides.

"Anxiety does not exist to control you. You exist to control anxiety."
What a great way to look at this!

It was upsetting to learn that being lonely is as bad for your health as smoking, lack of exercise, high blood pressure, etc. It can make you more susceptible to illness, getting sick and dying.

It was encouraging that he said if you call him on your own and your parents don't call him, he determines you're independent enough to meet him alone, and also if we got this book on our own, then we might well be capable of getting to a new level of social independence on our own without involvement from family. That made me feel better bcuz I contacted a therapist on my own and am researching books and other tools. Of course, my family hasn't enabled my anxiety bcuz they're not supportive or understanding of it so I really had no choice. But I felt like crap as I read on and he said even when someone independent relies on parents to pay for therapy he has them come in to find out degree of dependency. My parents are paying for mine.

I wasn't as interested in the chapter on parents having a child with social anxiety. It shed a little light on my parents' involvement in it, but I didn't see them as enablers except financially and it grated on my nerves and pride the way he talked about the kid, how they'll lash out when confronted. I especially resented when he said the kid had learned to play family members off each other when they don't agree on the methods to take with the kid. They do it consciously and unconsciously. They know the parents disagree and it's easy to manipulate at this time and will use it to create chaos and avoid responsibility for their own behavior. I highly disagree. You can't say that likes it absolute. You don't know how someone will react. They might do this. This is not a fact. In my case I took the reins and I push myself to go out. My dad wants nothing to do with it and doesn't understand it and both parents have been cruel and impatient with my anxiety my whole life. So much for your blaming the kid theory. And I don't enjoy having financial dependency on them and I'm trying to change and not rely on it. Give us a little credit here.

He also didn't have the option that we were dependent on family in only one or two ways, but we're not passive of complacent about it. He gave us no credit for wanting to change or not liking it; he just assumed we loved using people.

And I don't give up my needs for others' and just go with the flow bcuz I don't want to inconvenience anyone and rely on them to make my plans when it's convenient for them. I do not, and never have, let someone order my life around and didn't voice an opinion about what I wanted. I always make my own decisions. "Such individuals leave major decisions to others." "..taking responsibility for one's own desires, something that is virtually impossible for a dependent person." I'm dependent financially and I have my mom go thru the drive-thru and come with me to do some things, something I loathe doing, but I do not allow ppl to make decisions for me. I have my own mind and I decide what I do. No one tells me what to do. "Having no say at all appears to be easier than taking a stand and risking independence." That's despicable to assume that of everyone.

I also highly resented that he said we make excuses and tell ourselves we don't do something for a certain reason instead of admitting the truth, like we didn't go to a party bcuz we're tired. I'm not a blockhead. I don't have to lie to myself to make myself feel better bcuz I can't handle the truth. I don't go places bcuz I can't talk to people, and I know that. Do I need to sugarcoat the truth and come up with a bizarre lie and try to convince myself of it? No.

The bit on biofeedback and a machine chatting hot muscle tension, skin resistance, temperature and brain waves was of no use. I don't have a biofeedback machine nor or am I going to go to a biofeedback professional. I have no desire to be hooked up to a machine. I can tell if I'm sweating, and I can tell where I'm tense. I don't need a machine to do that. And when my hands are sweaty and clammy simply saying "My hands are warm and dry" isn't going to work. That's like going haywire in an anxiety situation and saying "I'm calm." Tricking myself never worked.

I was so insulted when he had to clarify the difference between acquaintances and friends. He must think people with social anxiety disorder are idiots. At least he said "many people" and not everyone. I also wish he would have said that all people can have this problem, instead of saying "many socially anxious people." That makes us sound like dumbasses. He had to actually explain what an acquaintance was, so some we kind of know, talk to or work with, but not spend free time with frequently. Friends are those we have things in common with and make a difference in our life. Feeling stupid yet?

I knew the age of the book would be a problem in some regards, and it was when getting to the dating advice. Almost all of it was obsolete because things are so much different now. People don't run personal ads or call 900 number party lines to hook up with people. The dating world is so different with cell phones, social media and the internet.

I felt bad though because he didn't seem to support therapy as much as I would have liked. Since finding out I have social anxiety in the last couple years or so, I started doing internet searches and they all said it could be cured or treated with therapy. That seemed to be the only real option. I wanted someone to give me tools, and the internet didn't have much. He said people start therapy bcuz they want a major change, not just someone to talk to as ppl think. He thinks this book is self-help and that we should do it independently without a therapist. And only sometimes is it imp to get counseling as your overall program, and that since social anxiety is people-oriented, therapy can't substitute for practice with people. It sounded like he thinks we should be able to do it entirely on our own, and therapists are just for guidance and support as we interact with people. For someone who's having her parents pay $75 in weekly sessions that was the last thing I wanted to hear.

He advised to do this and if we're not having positive attitudes or are stuck then we might need therapy. I mean that's nice he wrote this to help people, I'm so grateful and appreciate someone spent their time I thinking of every situation we would find ourselves in, and it's nice that this is a cheap option instead of expensive therapy, but on the other hand, it's not very helpful for his career to tell people they don't really need therapy and should do it on their own.

I did like when he said that if there are emotional or psychological problems in the way then he urged professional counseling. And in finding a therapist he advised one that refers you to group sessions, which is something mine has suggested but I'm not willing to do, and for them to believe in community resources. Mine suggested speed dating and cooking classes and group therapy. He also advises one that assigns homework which mine does. I like homework bcuz it gives me something to do during the week when I'm not there. Also one that involves the family if there are dependency issues, and my therapist offered to meet with the family and have a family session or meet with them alone bcuz she thinks it's important. So his views here made me feel better about going to therapy bcuz there for a while I thought I was wasting money by not doing it on my own. But I think I couldn't do it on my own with just this book and need help.

I was bothered that he thought denial was such a big issue for ppl with social anxiety. He said it's easy for us to deny that there's a problem and denial is common with social anxiety. He said it's obvious why we avoid situations--to avoid embarrassment and scrutiny, and I'm thinking if we're avoiding every social interaction then we probably know something's wrong and we're not in denial.

Finally he said, on pg 264, that it's logical that we avoid situations that we think will cause of pain. It was nice that he even touched on society, that the distance between family members leads to isolation, that big cities have anonymity and cause ppl to live solitary lives. With all the danger and crime it's hard to meet new ppl and ppl focus on themselves and don't know their neighbors or live close to family. And that cites are hotbeds of competition from the professional levels to social. In order to succeed in this kind of world you have to know how to handle a stressful environment and have social skills. He mentioned the 1980s being all about picture perfect consumerism which caused ppl to throw in with the haves or the have nots. There was pressure to succeed, and that's even more the case in today's a time. It was interesting that he felt like that crime was in response to the pressures to be successful, and that being frustrated at not making it in society either socially or financially causes ppl to choose a life of crime. Def something to think about and it was a new way of understanding why ppl commit crimes.
He means for this to be an undertaking of 21 days, a self-help program that you practice consistently. You're supposed to do all of the assignments and then once you've been doing this for the 21 days, you're supposed to go back and look at the physical symptoms and thought patterns part and answer again.

The statistics showed that 80% believed it was possible to control their fear after the program, but at the end he said 85% believe change is possible. Idts!


He thought of almost every social situation we would find ourselves in, from friendships to dating to work and I thank him for that. For researching this subject, for dedicating his life to helping those with social anxiety, for giving us tools and writing this book and thinking of everything we could be going through. It helped me understand my anxiety so much. I highly recommend this book to anyone with social anxiety. There is so much help to be had here. I could rave about this book. I want to own it and have it to look at whenever I need it. I wish it wasn't a library book and was my own. I might just have to find this and buy it. It's the first book I've read on social anxiety and what a book to start with. I was helped out so much and I wanted to be able to look at the parts I liked anytime, and to put them on here for other people to look at in case they needed it and maybe couldn't get the book, and you can tell how much I liked this book because I had almost 44 pages of quotes! I could have quoted the whole book.

The only problems I had was when he assumed something about us that wasn’t true, and there was nothing in here for if your anxiety has prevented you from work. He assumed we had a job, a career that we’d been drudging through, and that was assuming a lot. If we can’t talk to people then how are we supposed to go through the interview process, much less sustain a job? He kept saying things like getting a new position or accepting a new challenge; he never considered what those poor sobs like me who have never applied for a job would be going through. I was looking for more info on the interview process and preparing for questions and representing myself in a good way.

Quite a few things he said rubbed me the wrong way and insulted me. Like if you’re unemployed your full-time job should be just that, looking for a job. He might as well have come right out and called us a bum. It’s clear he’s an advocate for no excuses and won’t tolerate any, so sometimes he took it too far and crossed a line. And another example is when you’re putting off calling someone, maybe thinking does she really want me to call her? And he said (Then why did she give you her #?) It came off smart and that kind of insulting talk isn’t the way to handle this. Socially anxious people don’t need any more pain or judgment or crap. There were some things that just felt like I was getting beat up. There’s a nice way to say something, and then there’s the way designed to put someone down. Many a time he took the latter road. Also, in almost every scenario he used the pronoun “he” and “him,” male pronouns instead of female, like “Enable him to do things on his own.” It grated the way he automatically used male pronouns, like any situation would of course be about a man because they’re superior. Say “they” and “them” to include both sexes.

[Eric O. Schultz · Rating 1 out of 5]

First published in 1994, Beyond Shyness is an outdated book. Early in the book, the author remarks that there is no magic pill to cure social anxieties, and then goes on to claim that social anxieties are learned behaviors. Pills that treat social anxiety are now available (see if Paxil is right for you!), and several studies have shown that anxiety has a genetic component. Another major gripe I had with the book is that he attributes just about everything to social anxiety, making a lot of the case studies he shares both uninteresting and unrelatable. I found myself bored.

Jonathan Berent takes the complexity of social anxiety and creates a simple model: a sufferer to social anxiety has a dependent and an avoidant personality, and having such a personality leads to low self esteem. As a socially anxious person myself, I am chiefly, if not solely, avoidant, and in fact, the more I think of it, I feel when dependence does occur in cases (as it obviously does), it must be a secondary phenomenon arising from avoidance. However, Berent seems keen on turning social anxiety into a moral failing- a patient’s desire for dependence (on one’s parents). He sees all kinds of laziness, procrastination, depression, and even things like sexual identity (I’m not sure if he means homosexuality or being transgendered) as symptoms of a dependent and avoidant personality. In general, Berent displays a lot of fuzzy thinking about the relationships between low self esteem and avoidance. I think most of this is created by his moralistic need to insert dependence personality into the equation. (Remember that this was published in the 90s during the heyday of the Sally Jessy Raphael Show.)

I admit I didn’t take the book seriously as I read it. I bought it years ago (in the 2000s) and DNFed the book early on. Since then, it’s been sitting on my shelf collecting dust. I decided recently to read all the books I’ve DNFed over the years and then donate them, and that is the only reason I am reading this book at this time. As I read along, I did do the exercises, but only in a cursory manner. I like that Berent emphasizes that we should be aware of the world around us. I came to that on my own years ago: my self-treatment was to keep a journal, which did me a world of good. Another good idea Berent suggests is to diminish overall body anxiety through relaxation therapies. I have been less successful with keeping those going, but taking thirty minutes just to concentrate on breathing really helps. It helps with anxiety-induced insomnia as well. Other than those strategies, the advice is mostly to throw yourself into things. Remember, humiliation isn’t the end of the world. There is always a tomorrow, and going into the world armed with that knowledge, is always good.

In summary, you can probably find a better book.

[Addicted2Jeter · Rating 4 out of 5]

It definitely gave great pointers and I will continue to look back in reference whenever I need to.

[Jonathan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book..