The Real Purpose of Parenting: The Book You Wish Your Parents Read

by Philip B. Dembo

THE REAL PURPOSE OF PARENTING is a series of stories and life lessons from the world of a therapist, known as The Parent Coach. Very well-intentioned, well meaning parents are at the point of crisis with their kids because their own best parenting efforts are NOT producing the children they want them to be. And there, according to Dr. Phil Dembo, lies the problem. In THE REAL PURPOSE OF PARENTING, even the best parents are capable of smothering the growth of their kid's life. This can happen because the truth of who the child is, and what the child truly needs is often overlooked or ignored in the agenda that many parents lay out for their kids. Thus...often landing the family in a colossal melt down.
Dr. Dembo shows simple family "turn around" strategies that reframe the real purpose of parenting and gives each family, and child their own salvation.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Audiobook

7 pages, MP3 CD

First published October 1, 2013

Reviews

[Kian.ting · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book gives a general but down to earth and common sense advice on what is parenting. I like that they use the analogy of a basketball coach, and that when a child is from age 1 to 10 the coaching is man to man and the older they get we should allow more autonomy and allow them to play in the wider basketball court of life. The author not only talks about how we can do the coaching correctly but also talks about the consequences of instructing/parenting our children from the wrong place. The wrong place means we must always check where are we coming from when we are giving and instruction, advise or direction. Is it coming from a place of what we want or is it coming from the place of what the child wants and how we can coach them about their choices? This book puts the parents in the right mindset when it comes to parenting. It doesn't go into details about what to do or techniques to apply, it talks about the more fundamental thing which is us the parents. My main take away from this book is regardless of dealing with our own or our children's achievements we should always focus on the process, not the outcome. Which is quite a controversial mindset being that the society we live in has an outcome focus approach (and it is evident in how test scores are measured). There is a good reason why the author ask us to focus on the process, the trying and not giving up rather than the outcome is because we want to build resilient selves and children, where they won't give up based on temporary setbacks (transient outcome) and that they fall in love with the practice and training (use outcome just as a feedback) and if they keep trying eventually they will reach the desired outcome.

[Catherine Li · Rating 5 out of 5]

There is just one main idea of this book, that is to help children find their own desire and coach through the process. The outcome does not matter much. As parent, we don’t make the kids do whatever we want them to do, become exactly the person we want them to become. As long as they are righteous, kind, happy, and healthy, they should embrace their freedom to make their own life choices. It is their life after all, and they deserve a great experience full of freedom. We coach, we discipline, we help, and we should still be capable to preserve their freedom. The examples the author gave are pretty interesting. Over all, the book does not have a lot of content, sometimes a little repetitive illustrations, but it is very interesting to read.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

I finished this one a few weeks ago, but I felt I really needed to absorb this one before I reviewed. I feel like what sticks after a book like this can be very life altering and this book has opened my eyes to a different way to parent.

What I could boil it down to and translate into actual achievable thing in my family is this:
Create a family calendar/catch up every week
Institute a family dinner (start once and week and work up to more)
Create rituals that bind us all together
Create a family constitution with known consequences
Love your child for who they ARE not who you want them to be

Certainty there was a lot more to this book. But some of it seemed like common sense to me, some of it were things I was already doing and some of it were things I wasn't ready to do. Overall I'm really glad I read it - if not only for the fact that it made me feel like a good parent.
This day and age with my inbox full of unsolicited parenting advice, and constantly changing data on what's good or bad - it was nice to hear one solid, vetted voice.
Love your child, take time for your child, enjoy your child. It's as simple and as hard as that.

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really loved the idea of creating a safe environment for our children to experience the intention of their feelings. It's long been a goal of mine to create the type of relationship where my kids always feel like I am available to them and I can lovingly give advice. I also had brought to my attention the importance of recognizing each individual's truth or the reality, what they're living with.

[Wendy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love that we are all trying to be better parents. To make our kids feel confident and safe being themselves while growing to make good choices.

[Andre-Louis · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Did you know that the best indicator of how you are doing as a parent is how your children are behaving in other parents' homes?"

[Megan · Rating 2 out of 5]

Basically, this is the "parent = coach" model of parenting. I more or less agree with this model-- that parents have to get out of the way and let kids live rather than trying to do everything for them, but I didn't feel like this gave me a lot of tips that I would apply to my own parenting. There are a couple good guidelines to be mindful of. For example: don't transfer your anxiety on to your children. I agree with his point that a lot of things that parents express to their kids in the form of worry/warning/advice are really done to assuage the parent's anxiety and don't do much to help the child (and can make the child anxious or defensive). I can't quite see myself doing some of the other things he suggestions (like making a family constitution). While his suggestion of forming family traditions/rituals seems like that would happen naturally.

[Laura · Rating 3 out of 5]

I listened to this on audio and thought it had a good message, just really didn't like the voice of the person reading it, so that distracted me a little. But it did make me think about parenting, and how what we envision for our kids vs. reality doesn't always line up and to be careful of trying to fit our kids into that picture we've made of how we think they'll turn out (or should turn out). I was amazed at some of the anecdotes of families that went to such extents to hide their "truth". This book wasn't much about research or statistics, just stories around a theme of accepting your children as they are, whether it be what you hoped for or not.

[Jairo · Rating 2 out of 5]

The first part of the book list the parenthood practices of the past, including well known writers such as Dr. Spock. He says that those models are obsolete and no applicable for the present child and family. However the recommendations of the author later in the book are exactly the same than the ones he dismissed earlier. For instance Dr.Dembo promotes the "Family Constitution", a new name for the Family Rules favored by some of the experts of older models. This is a parenthood practice that really does not make sense for most of the present, hectic life styles of contemporary families.

[Ericka Clou · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was a good book, and parents should follow the advice given to raise independent children that do not resent their parents. No small task. I gave the book only three stars because I think there's a lot of interesting research out there now and this didn't really include any new scientific findings.

[Linda Dembo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dr. Dembos book is a must read for all parent and children. He writes as if he were sitting in the room talking to you. His real life stories really hit home on all levels and can be related to so many of life's situations. Wonderful

[Taiba Alhumaidhi · Rating 3 out of 5]

I like the content of the book, it's just the writing style that got on my nerves! Add to that the MANY grammatical errors, I was very distracted from the content thinking why wasn't this proof-read...

[Tracey · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great read for all parents. We all need help and this is a book that offers that help.

[Lizzy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is AMAZING! It really speaks to the truth of raising children and creating a happy, healthy family structure. I definitely recommend this book to anyone, whether you have kids or not!!!!

[John Weston · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really liked this book. For me, it took a lot of pressure off, but also added stronger convictions of raising children.

[Baomin Li · Rating 3 out of 5]

A few good stories and very simple and basic recommendations.

[Adam Zerner · Rating 1 out of 5]

My takeaway: be empathetic in some obvious ways. Here are some stories that exemplify. I could see this book and these stories being useful to some people, but I find it obvious.

[Stacy Handlin · Rating 1 out of 5]

Couldn't finish. I disliked the author reading his book as it was dull and lifeless.

[Benjamin Lupton · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic book. Wish I knew this earlier.