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The Conscious Bride: Women Unveil Their True Feelings about Getting Hitched
While family and future in-laws squabble over the menu and the table decorations, brides are supposed to sit, smile, and bask in the prospect of their happiness, even though that prospect is guaranteed to include the post-wedding depression that hits some 90 percent of women during their first year of marriage. This is a must-have book for any woman who has found the partner she wants to be with for the rest of her life and has made up her mind to celebrate that commitment.
Bridal counselor Sheryl Paul interviewed a diverse group of women who share their true feelings about the many concerns that can make an engagement a roller coaster of emotional ups and downs. Along with practical advice and support, you will find welcome acknowledgement of shared doubts and fears that so often run amok as wedding bells take their toll.
Bridal counselor Sheryl Paul interviewed a diverse group of women who share their true feelings about the many concerns that can make an engagement a roller coaster of emotional ups and downs. Along with practical advice and support, you will find welcome acknowledgement of shared doubts and fears that so often run amok as wedding bells take their toll.
220 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2000
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 80 reviews
November 8, 2013
On the weeks leading up to my wedding I started to panic. I moved from my whole life in Texas to marry the man I love in England. It was a change to say the least. Before I moved my mother gave me this book. She gives me many psychology books, since that is her profession, and I usually ignore her psycho-bable and tell her Im not a patient. Well once I moved here wedding planing was underway, since we did it quickly (3 months). I thought I was homesick at first, which I was, but it was way more intense. I would sit and cry for hours, be angry or moody at my fiance and truly wonder if I had made the right choice. I was really nervous, sad, angry, scared. So many emotional that "wedding jitters" doesn't even cover it. I didn't understand why I wasn't euphoric about the planning and the wedding like brides where supposed to be. I decided to read this book, just to see why my mom gave it to me. Well all I can say is that this book gave me back my sanity. I realized that I wasn't making the wrong choice, I was just grieving my single life and it was increased because of the transatlantic move (obviously when you read the book it goes into great depth but that was it in a nutshell.) I felt everything that these women were feeling! Once I realized this and that I wasn't the only bride that felt like this, I felt amazing. I was still homesick and nervous about the wedding but I better understood where my feeling were coming from and able to deal with them better. This book is well written, but more so it really spoke to me in a way no self help book has. I would highly recommend this book for any woman who is in the process of getting married. It should be required reading along with the bridal mags.
January 28, 2012
Even though it's from 2000, so not THAT old, it felt unbelievably dated. Plus I cannot roll my eyes hard enough at the woo-woo sisterhood/archetypes/understand your life from the perspective of Psyche and Eros stuff.
AND all the nonsense about indigenous cultures being better than Western culture at transitions and rituals. Which cultures? Indigenous to where? Of course I'm not saying Western culture is the best at everything, but just declaring that "tribal cultures" are better at, you know, stuff, without examples is ridiculous and frankly racist in its ignorance. If she had mentioned specific cultures that had specific rituals that were better than the usual Western rituals around getting married, I would have been very interested to learn more about them.
AND she thinks changing your name is refusing to participate in valid traditions(!), and the stuff about how you know the first time you meet him you're meant to be (possibly true for some people, definitely not true for everyone), and you have to separate from your parents... as if you are not already an adult who might have already done that. So much focus on not being single anymore, too -- aren't you already not single if you're engaged? Haven't you likely been not single for a while? The setup is very much about this notion that your life will be radically different after you get married, when for many people that just won't be the case.
The book appears to contain nothing about same-sex marriage, either, and nothing as far as I read touches on race, or interracial marriage.
I don't have any patience for this notion that you'll automatically be a drastically different person after you're married, or feel drastically differently about your partner or your friends or your family (so condescending about how you'll need to pull away from your single friends!). You can be interested in books about weddings and marriage and not be a child who will magically be a grownup afterwards, or not feel that you'll be an especially different person with different relationships to those around you.
My favorite line: "This may feel frightening to you, as it will for many in our culture who see death only as the great specter that one encounters with the final breath. ... Yet it is important to understand that the loss involved in a rite of passage is a metaphoric death, or a shedding of identity." Oh good. I thought you meant that you literally died during a transitional period of your life.
Ugh, ridiculous, and not worth finishing.
AND all the nonsense about indigenous cultures being better than Western culture at transitions and rituals. Which cultures? Indigenous to where? Of course I'm not saying Western culture is the best at everything, but just declaring that "tribal cultures" are better at, you know, stuff, without examples is ridiculous and frankly racist in its ignorance. If she had mentioned specific cultures that had specific rituals that were better than the usual Western rituals around getting married, I would have been very interested to learn more about them.
AND she thinks changing your name is refusing to participate in valid traditions(!), and the stuff about how you know the first time you meet him you're meant to be (possibly true for some people, definitely not true for everyone), and you have to separate from your parents... as if you are not already an adult who might have already done that. So much focus on not being single anymore, too -- aren't you already not single if you're engaged? Haven't you likely been not single for a while? The setup is very much about this notion that your life will be radically different after you get married, when for many people that just won't be the case.
The book appears to contain nothing about same-sex marriage, either, and nothing as far as I read touches on race, or interracial marriage.
I don't have any patience for this notion that you'll automatically be a drastically different person after you're married, or feel drastically differently about your partner or your friends or your family (so condescending about how you'll need to pull away from your single friends!). You can be interested in books about weddings and marriage and not be a child who will magically be a grownup afterwards, or not feel that you'll be an especially different person with different relationships to those around you.
My favorite line: "This may feel frightening to you, as it will for many in our culture who see death only as the great specter that one encounters with the final breath. ... Yet it is important to understand that the loss involved in a rite of passage is a metaphoric death, or a shedding of identity." Oh good. I thought you meant that you literally died during a transitional period of your life.
Ugh, ridiculous, and not worth finishing.
June 30, 2011
Wow, I thought this book was fantastic and I'd recommend it to everybody. Basically it presents the perspective that engagement and marriage/commitment is a transitional life experience, and it makes sense that it would bring up feelings of grief and loss as we move from one life phase to the next. She suggests that the more open and honest we are to ourselves about what we're feeling, the smoother we'll negotiate the transition. And it's so normalizing to hear that other women were experiencing the same doubts and uncertainties during what society says should be a time of nothing but happiness. Here's some quotes:
--"This book is based on the premise that the wedding is a rite of passage, and that all rites of passage--adolescence, the wedding, the birth of a child, a geographic move, a job change, midlife, old age--involve a transformation of identity as the initiate sheds the old way of life and makes way for the new role." (p 12)
--"Perfectionism's function is to keep people busy and cut off from their authentic emotional experience. When the mind is occupied and moving at a frenetic pace, there is little room left for feelings... Because Westerners feel tremendous anxiety when they simply sit still, we will go to great lengths to organize our lives so that all available time slots are occupied by meetings and activities." (p 74)
--"If men and women can learn to understand the significant rites of passage in their own and their spouse's life cycles, much pain and confusion can be alleviated. It is only when the bride attaches a story to the groom's actions--"he's not actively helping with the wedding because it's not as important to him, so I must not be as important to him as he is to me"--that trouble begins to brew." (p 114)
--"Sometimes the wedding is the event through which a woman becomes more deeply a woman by learning how to speak up for herself and set clear boundaries about her needs and tolerances." (p 122)
--"This experience of transitional depression, which often follows Christmas, a new job, a large artistic performance, or any other event toward which a lot of energy has been directed, is described by what psychologists call social displacement theory. This theory posits that what is initially experienced as elation and optimism is followed by frustration, depression, and confusion as the reality of the adjustment required by one's new life sets in." (p 174)
--"If... we accept that part of the function of marriage is to learn more about ourselves and others, to become more loving and fulfilled people in the world, then each difficult situation becomes an opportunity for growth." (p 202)
--"This book is based on the premise that the wedding is a rite of passage, and that all rites of passage--adolescence, the wedding, the birth of a child, a geographic move, a job change, midlife, old age--involve a transformation of identity as the initiate sheds the old way of life and makes way for the new role." (p 12)
--"Perfectionism's function is to keep people busy and cut off from their authentic emotional experience. When the mind is occupied and moving at a frenetic pace, there is little room left for feelings... Because Westerners feel tremendous anxiety when they simply sit still, we will go to great lengths to organize our lives so that all available time slots are occupied by meetings and activities." (p 74)
--"If men and women can learn to understand the significant rites of passage in their own and their spouse's life cycles, much pain and confusion can be alleviated. It is only when the bride attaches a story to the groom's actions--"he's not actively helping with the wedding because it's not as important to him, so I must not be as important to him as he is to me"--that trouble begins to brew." (p 114)
--"Sometimes the wedding is the event through which a woman becomes more deeply a woman by learning how to speak up for herself and set clear boundaries about her needs and tolerances." (p 122)
--"This experience of transitional depression, which often follows Christmas, a new job, a large artistic performance, or any other event toward which a lot of energy has been directed, is described by what psychologists call social displacement theory. This theory posits that what is initially experienced as elation and optimism is followed by frustration, depression, and confusion as the reality of the adjustment required by one's new life sets in." (p 174)
--"If... we accept that part of the function of marriage is to learn more about ourselves and others, to become more loving and fulfilled people in the world, then each difficult situation becomes an opportunity for growth." (p 202)
November 24, 2025
I read this over the course of a year and a half. Overall, the book has its flaws (a little outdated, lacking in diversity) but I think it’s a good read for women in the engagement/newly wed period. It focuses on some of the harder parts of the transition of marriage and all of the feelings that come with it while still being empowering about marriage. I do remember there were several parts earlier in the book that I found to be a little “duh” or not relatable, but the sections that did feel relevant to me made up for it imo.
December 15, 2024
While not perfect, every soon to be bride should read this. Definitely gave me a sense of peace I’ve been looking for leading up to my wedding.
December 16, 2011
Sometimes you find exactly the book you need at exactly the time you need it. This is a great example of that. I found this at a thrift store and bought it on a whim. I have a lot of wedding books after all, what could one more do for me? Well this book answered many questions for me and, overall, made me feel better about the whole wedding process. I really needed that! I needed to know that I wasn't the only bride to feel ambivalence to my wedding dress (a dress I loved when I bought it) and total dismay at the idea of being a princess. I was relieved to know that I wasn't the only person to feel a sense of loss connected to this major life transition.
This is a short book but I took awhile to read it. I really wanted to process what I was learning. As for the criticism about the book not being inclusive enough with same-sex couples, well I agree & disagree. The author states at the beginning that she is using the terms "bride" & "groom" as archetypes, not as gendered language. She invites all readers to adopt the terms that they are comfortable with. The book was written in 2000, when same-sex marriage was a political issue but none of the states were allowing it. I would love for the author to release an updated version of this book that was more obviously inclusive now that same-sex marriage is becoming an everyday reality. But I encourage all readers to give this book a chance. You will take something away from it.
This is a short book but I took awhile to read it. I really wanted to process what I was learning. As for the criticism about the book not being inclusive enough with same-sex couples, well I agree & disagree. The author states at the beginning that she is using the terms "bride" & "groom" as archetypes, not as gendered language. She invites all readers to adopt the terms that they are comfortable with. The book was written in 2000, when same-sex marriage was a political issue but none of the states were allowing it. I would love for the author to release an updated version of this book that was more obviously inclusive now that same-sex marriage is becoming an everyday reality. But I encourage all readers to give this book a chance. You will take something away from it.
November 1, 2007
This is basically an anecdotal compendium of confusing feelings other women have felt about the process of getting married. The author compares the engagement process to a rite of passage for women, wherein the old self (the single woman, the daughter/child) sort of dies to make room for the new identity of "wife". Since modern society doesn't allow for a safe place for the bride to mourn the loss of her old identity, some women react to the disconnect by obsessing over having the perfect wedding, or being the perfect bride. While I think this book is probably very helpful for the bride who's struggling with feelings of guilt for not feeling orgasmically happy every single second about her upcoming nuptials, overall the whole thing felt sort of "duh" for me. I didn't relate to most of the personal stories presented in the book - giant weddings, expensive dresses, fights over the "right" way to do things, inattentive grooms...it basically was like a laundry list of Wedding Industrial Complex stereotypes. If you're the kind of bride who's freaking out over your tablecloths not matching your dress on Your Special Daaaaaaaay, pick this up. Otherwise, skip it.
July 21, 2009
I checked this book out from the library after starting to read The Conscious Bride Wedding Planner.
The Planner is MUCH better.
My biggest issue with the book is that it's written like a research paper. I wouldn't be surprised if the author had taken her thesis from school, tweaked it a little, and got it published.
She just rehashes the same idea over and over and...you get the point.
In short: getting married is a rite of passage, and you have to grieve your former life before you move on to the next part. If you have negative feelings or are scared or emotional, that's normal. That's all you need to know.
I recommend the planner instead--every week or so I like to pick it up after I've become all-consumed with the planning so that I can refocus on what's most important, preparing for a life-long marriage.
The Planner is MUCH better.
My biggest issue with the book is that it's written like a research paper. I wouldn't be surprised if the author had taken her thesis from school, tweaked it a little, and got it published.
She just rehashes the same idea over and over and...you get the point.
In short: getting married is a rite of passage, and you have to grieve your former life before you move on to the next part. If you have negative feelings or are scared or emotional, that's normal. That's all you need to know.
I recommend the planner instead--every week or so I like to pick it up after I've become all-consumed with the planning so that I can refocus on what's most important, preparing for a life-long marriage.
November 10, 2010
This was an awesomely thought-provoking book, examining the transformation that women go through as brides and entering into marriage, as well as looking at the ritual of marriage and what it means for brides, grooms, family, friends, and the community. It helped me normalize a lot of the emotional ups and downs during the engagement, as well as start conversations with my fiancé and my family.
I'm a big believer in healthy grieving for times and opportunities that are past, not because I long to regain them, but because my life has changed and I've moved to a different space (emotionally, mentally, spiritually - sometimes physically!). Being able to understand not only what will be gained, but what will be lost or changed is a huge help in being able to approach the wedding and marriage on solid footing.
I'm a big believer in healthy grieving for times and opportunities that are past, not because I long to regain them, but because my life has changed and I've moved to a different space (emotionally, mentally, spiritually - sometimes physically!). Being able to understand not only what will be gained, but what will be lost or changed is a huge help in being able to approach the wedding and marriage on solid footing.
June 14, 2017
Meh. Some good insights about an engagement being a transitional period, and I do feel like I walked away with some fresh perspective on this time in my life. It reads a bit outdated and contrived, though.
June 15, 2018
This book is a God send! Honestly, I think this book is a must read for any woman getting married. It helped me so much just understand that some of my less than blissful feelings leading up to my wedding are normal. I could 100% relate to most of the issues the women faced in this book & it comforted me knowing I’m not alone. Getting married is a huge transition and with that comes confusing feelings that you don’t expect so this book really put it into perspective for me and actually assisted me in assessing my true feelings and feeling what I need to feel during this time. A big thing for me is/was the change of identity & independence and this book helped me better grasp what it all means. Even if you don’t think you need to read this book, you do. It’s so helpful & assuring during such an “in between” phase in a woman’s journey. Pick it up!
March 17, 2019
This book helped me enormously as I was preparing for my wedding. A lot of the intense emotions I was feeling didn't make sense to me, but then I discovered that many other women have felt the same. Not only does the author talk about the reasons why you might feel a certain way about certain things associated with weddings, she also gave me a few useful tips and rituals and encouraged me to just let me feel my feelings. This was so important to me, because when I tried to talk to certain family members about such a monumental shift in my identity, they would just say "are you having doubts???" which was not helpful and did not explain how I was feeling. Getting married required a certain adjustment of my identity, and it was not unwelcome, but it was something I wanted help with and this book delivered.
January 2, 2018
This book is absolutely a recommended read for everyone - man and woman - who is currently in the midst of planning their wedding.
I read this book while I was feeling utterly overwhelmed by all the wedding preparations. I tore through it in 1 day and I can honestly say that it put to bed every single negative feeling I had about the wedding preparations. It's an enormous eye-opener and shows through testimonies by different women that it's okay to feel stressed out, sad or angry while planning a wedding.
There are a few statements and ideas that seemed a bit outdated and archaic to me, but this did not take away from the core of truth that this book conveys.
I read this book while I was feeling utterly overwhelmed by all the wedding preparations. I tore through it in 1 day and I can honestly say that it put to bed every single negative feeling I had about the wedding preparations. It's an enormous eye-opener and shows through testimonies by different women that it's okay to feel stressed out, sad or angry while planning a wedding.
There are a few statements and ideas that seemed a bit outdated and archaic to me, but this did not take away from the core of truth that this book conveys.
March 29, 2018
Meh. It's not completely useless, but definitely relies on the reader conforming to/identifying with a lot of traditional archetypes and gender roles. At the very, very end it does acknowledge that relationship dynamics between men and women have changed from the gender roles of the 1950s.
There's no mention of relationships outside of the cis-gendered and heterosexual models. Given that it was published in 2000, this may reflect the legal/cultural situation of the time. The book may also only reflect the scope of the author's research—it doesn't specify. A subsequent edition, if such a thing exists, might do so.
I was ultimately disappointed and underwhelmed.
There's no mention of relationships outside of the cis-gendered and heterosexual models. Given that it was published in 2000, this may reflect the legal/cultural situation of the time. The book may also only reflect the scope of the author's research—it doesn't specify. A subsequent edition, if such a thing exists, might do so.
I was ultimately disappointed and underwhelmed.
June 11, 2017
This book, more than any other resource, has helped me prepare for my wedding and for marriage. Highly recommended.
Recognizes a wedding for what it is- a transition- a life change. And with any change, there needs to be a reckoning with the parts of yourself you are losing and gaining. Your other relationships will change, and you must deal with some internal turmoil on your way to the altar. This book helped me navigate my own feelings, and allowed me to mourn my lost singlehood, make a decision about a name change, and let go of some of the perfection pressure associated with a wedding.
Recognizes a wedding for what it is- a transition- a life change. And with any change, there needs to be a reckoning with the parts of yourself you are losing and gaining. Your other relationships will change, and you must deal with some internal turmoil on your way to the altar. This book helped me navigate my own feelings, and allowed me to mourn my lost singlehood, make a decision about a name change, and let go of some of the perfection pressure associated with a wedding.
July 18, 2024
My fiancé gave me the book to read after her and though the book is aimed at women I found it incredibly helpful! I think the book highlights many harder feelings that might arise from the marriage process. Feelings that might be scary or end up misdirected if you aren’t expecting them! Some of the book did feel a bit dated but I found it very helpful overall, definitely a book designed for you to take what is relevant to you!
January 3, 2017
Parts of it are certainly cheese and a little irrelevant, but overall, I found this book very comforting as a new bride who wasn't gaga about all the wedding hoopla. I highly recommend (and it's a super quick read) for anyone who gets that getting married isn't just the wedding or that one's feelings about getting engaged are more complicated than just unbridled joy.
May 10, 2018
Perfect book for a bride to be (like me). One of a kind book, with comments and stories of all kinds of brides, from calm to stressed. For sure helped a lot understand the feelings a bride might have from the very beginning til the happily ever after.
June 19, 2023
Read on my phone so didn't come up automatically. Adore Sheryl Paul and all of her work so this was a must read when I got engaged. Really enjoyed and I like the questions at the end of the chapters for journaling prompts.
June 7, 2025
So interesting getting to read about women’s various feelings and experiences while navigating their weddings. Although some parts felt a little outdated, it was helpful in providing insight while going through this life change.
July 21, 2017
Very outdated view of "becoming a wife"
October 24, 2019
I have to say, this book really resonated!
April 2, 2023
Reinforces harmful gender norms, overall would not recommend and felt very outdated.
October 19, 2023
Learned a lot. But unsurprisingly some of it is a little outdated. But still gave me lots of internal & external parts of wedding planning & marriage.
March 1, 2024
Such an important and validating read. This will be my go to engagement gift for soon to be brides ♥️
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October 20, 2024Take what you want, leave the rest
August 2, 2010
I got about halfway through this book and got bored. There are no jokes in it. I mean NONE! How can you write something that has no sense of humor in it at all? (Can you tell I'm unaccustomed to reading non-fiction?)
I read this book because: well, because before I do something, I like to read a lot of books about it. So I got this book about getting married (specifically, about women getting married.)
The premise seems to be this: getting married is an important and significant transition in a woman's life. In modern Western society, we don't recognize and acknowledge important life transitions -- although getting married is actually an exception, as we still have big important weddings. However, since we're not accustomed to acknowledging these transitions, we tend to focus on the "party" part and not what this transition really means. It's a death of sorts, an ending of one identity and the birth of a new one. If we don't take notice of and acknowledge this death, and allow ourselves to grieve properly, it can create issues in our own happiness, and in the relationships between ourselves and our husbands, families, and girlfriends, into the first few years of the marriage.
There. Now, that all sounds reasonable, right? I don't necessarily disagree with that. However, I disagree that it takes over 200 pages to talk about it. This is the thesis for a magazine article, not a book. She includes some first-person talk from brides, but could have included a lot more -- I'd be more interested in reading what real (modern) women have to say, than in another analogy based on the Eros/Psyche myth.
Additionally -- and this is a personal note, not really interesting to anyone who doesn't know me -- although I think (as I mentioned) that the author has some good points to make, I don't think that they're very germane to my actual situation. I did go through transitions as my relationship with Chris advanced. Just committing to a boyfriend at all was difficult for me at first. As was moving in together -- after years on my own, it was tough at first, and even nine months later I think we're still adjusting (well, I know I am.) But I recognized at the time that it was okay for me to have difficulties, as long as I acknowledged them, and figured out what, exactly, my difficulties involved, and worked to communicate with Chris (and with myself) and figure them out. And I did. But I managed to do this without reading a book.
And maybe I'm naive, but I don't think that suddenly being a "wife" is going to change my life, nor do I think it's going to change how Chris and I relate to each other. As I said, that change happened years ago, when I recognized that I would be spending the rest of my life with this kid. Maybe it's different for women who are going straight from their parents' house to a shared house; maybe it's different for women with closer relationships with their parents; maybe it's different for women who make a lot less money than their husbands. This book claims that ALL women will go through this painful transition, even those who have been living on their own for 14 years -- but personally, I don't find that to be the case.
But so anyway. What a long review for a book I didn't even finish! Ladies: know that getting married is a transition from one identity to another; it might happen on your wedding day, or it might have happened already. But acknowledge it, and know that parts of that transition are going to be painful, and that's okay. The end.
There, I just saved you time and money. (Although you can have my copy if you like, though this was hardly a ringing endorsement.)
I read this book because: well, because before I do something, I like to read a lot of books about it. So I got this book about getting married (specifically, about women getting married.)
The premise seems to be this: getting married is an important and significant transition in a woman's life. In modern Western society, we don't recognize and acknowledge important life transitions -- although getting married is actually an exception, as we still have big important weddings. However, since we're not accustomed to acknowledging these transitions, we tend to focus on the "party" part and not what this transition really means. It's a death of sorts, an ending of one identity and the birth of a new one. If we don't take notice of and acknowledge this death, and allow ourselves to grieve properly, it can create issues in our own happiness, and in the relationships between ourselves and our husbands, families, and girlfriends, into the first few years of the marriage.
There. Now, that all sounds reasonable, right? I don't necessarily disagree with that. However, I disagree that it takes over 200 pages to talk about it. This is the thesis for a magazine article, not a book. She includes some first-person talk from brides, but could have included a lot more -- I'd be more interested in reading what real (modern) women have to say, than in another analogy based on the Eros/Psyche myth.
Additionally -- and this is a personal note, not really interesting to anyone who doesn't know me -- although I think (as I mentioned) that the author has some good points to make, I don't think that they're very germane to my actual situation. I did go through transitions as my relationship with Chris advanced. Just committing to a boyfriend at all was difficult for me at first. As was moving in together -- after years on my own, it was tough at first, and even nine months later I think we're still adjusting (well, I know I am.) But I recognized at the time that it was okay for me to have difficulties, as long as I acknowledged them, and figured out what, exactly, my difficulties involved, and worked to communicate with Chris (and with myself) and figure them out. And I did. But I managed to do this without reading a book.
And maybe I'm naive, but I don't think that suddenly being a "wife" is going to change my life, nor do I think it's going to change how Chris and I relate to each other. As I said, that change happened years ago, when I recognized that I would be spending the rest of my life with this kid. Maybe it's different for women who are going straight from their parents' house to a shared house; maybe it's different for women with closer relationships with their parents; maybe it's different for women who make a lot less money than their husbands. This book claims that ALL women will go through this painful transition, even those who have been living on their own for 14 years -- but personally, I don't find that to be the case.
But so anyway. What a long review for a book I didn't even finish! Ladies: know that getting married is a transition from one identity to another; it might happen on your wedding day, or it might have happened already. But acknowledge it, and know that parts of that transition are going to be painful, and that's okay. The end.
There, I just saved you time and money. (Although you can have my copy if you like, though this was hardly a ringing endorsement.)
January 16, 2018
Getting married is a complicated thing. Especially if you're a modern woman, raised with notions of how you should be able to support yourself but still want your dad to walk you down the aisle.
I read this book twice, about six years apart. The first reading I was not impressed - my mother had given it to my cousin, and I somehow came to pick it up during the days just before the wedding. It made a bad impression on me - I felt as if my mother were hinting to my cousin that she should be having second thoughts, because I knew that my mom didn't approve of my cousin's choice of husband.
But the second time I read it, I picked it up shortly after I had become engaged myself. In just two weeks, I'd had a couple of minor breakdowns and panic attacks regarding the wedding I was supposed to be planning, and I was shocked at how complicated everything had become. While I never had second thoughts about who I'd be meeting at the altar, I totally had second (and third, and fourth) thoughts about everything else.
This re-reading was incredibly helpful. It validated my feelings of doubt regarding changing my name - something I easily agreed to when it was theoretical but began second-guessing when people asked what my plans were and then argued with my choice. (For what it's worth, I did change my name, and I've been very happy with it.) It reminded me that weddings are about a lot of issues, not all of them the bride's, and that people didn't have the right to make me feel guilty for not taking on their issues. And it prepared me ahead of time for the post-wedding blues, which luckily didn't hit me very hard - in part, I think, because of books just like this. A must-read for engaged women and the newly married.
I read this book twice, about six years apart. The first reading I was not impressed - my mother had given it to my cousin, and I somehow came to pick it up during the days just before the wedding. It made a bad impression on me - I felt as if my mother were hinting to my cousin that she should be having second thoughts, because I knew that my mom didn't approve of my cousin's choice of husband.
But the second time I read it, I picked it up shortly after I had become engaged myself. In just two weeks, I'd had a couple of minor breakdowns and panic attacks regarding the wedding I was supposed to be planning, and I was shocked at how complicated everything had become. While I never had second thoughts about who I'd be meeting at the altar, I totally had second (and third, and fourth) thoughts about everything else.
This re-reading was incredibly helpful. It validated my feelings of doubt regarding changing my name - something I easily agreed to when it was theoretical but began second-guessing when people asked what my plans were and then argued with my choice. (For what it's worth, I did change my name, and I've been very happy with it.) It reminded me that weddings are about a lot of issues, not all of them the bride's, and that people didn't have the right to make me feel guilty for not taking on their issues. And it prepared me ahead of time for the post-wedding blues, which luckily didn't hit me very hard - in part, I think, because of books just like this. A must-read for engaged women and the newly married.
May 11, 2007
When I was planning my commitment ceremony, there weren't a lot of books out there for me and my partner. Sure, there are books about gay and lesbian love and books about gays and lesbians who live in long term committed relationships, but nothing quite like The Conscious Bride. What impressed me about this book was the fact that Sheryl Nissinen, though clearly having heterosexuals in mind for her target audience, acknowledged the existence of same sex love and marriage and invited readers to interpret the book in a way that was right for them.
Nissinen deals with the underbelly of marriage: the often unspoken anxiety and fear that many people feel when planning a wedding. She talks about marriage as a rite of passage and encourages women (and every other participant, for that matter) to embrace the emotions that come their way, whether they are sadness and grief or happiness and joy. In fact, she tells brides to expect both and to not freak out if every feeling they have isn't considered positive. I found this kind of advice to be invaluable and important and highly recommend that women getting married take it to heart.
I will admit that the "maiden-esque" language of the book got a little tiring after awhile and at times seemed repetitive. The emphasis on mythology also didn't do it for me. But I found skimming past these things relatively easy and the crux of the book to be worthwhile whether you are a lesbian bride or a heterosexual one. We are all human and these emotions are universal. Brides who take this into consideration are sure to have a much richer wedding experience.
Nissinen deals with the underbelly of marriage: the often unspoken anxiety and fear that many people feel when planning a wedding. She talks about marriage as a rite of passage and encourages women (and every other participant, for that matter) to embrace the emotions that come their way, whether they are sadness and grief or happiness and joy. In fact, she tells brides to expect both and to not freak out if every feeling they have isn't considered positive. I found this kind of advice to be invaluable and important and highly recommend that women getting married take it to heart.
I will admit that the "maiden-esque" language of the book got a little tiring after awhile and at times seemed repetitive. The emphasis on mythology also didn't do it for me. But I found skimming past these things relatively easy and the crux of the book to be worthwhile whether you are a lesbian bride or a heterosexual one. We are all human and these emotions are universal. Brides who take this into consideration are sure to have a much richer wedding experience.
April 10, 2016
I'm giving this a 3 simply because I haven't decided how I feel about this book. On one hand, I really like that it's one of the few books that tackle the emotions and transitions of getting married. Many other books focus on the planning and process of getting married. So this gave a different perspective - almost a preparation of what may or may not happen. On the other hand, I absolutely detest how archaic this book is. It's made in 2000, but the concepts seem much older to me. And some of the emotions the bride apparently experiences makes me wonder if these women are simply not done developing themselves. Much of what is written I feel is common sense. For example, there's a part that describes the idea of being a "good wife" and how women are conditioned to believe they should put their own happiness aside to make sure their husband is happy. However, they realize after being married that they start to become resentful and realize they need to take care of themselves as well. That seems ridiculous to me. I feel as if that is something most people learn as they develop and do their own work, married or not. To me, this is common sense. And this is only one of the many examples that show how old fashioned this book is. In fact, the more I write the review, I think I'm going to give it a 2 instead. The issues I have with this book outweigh what I like about it. To be honest, I had to force myself to skim towards the end in order to finish the book.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
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