Before You Say I Do Again: A Buyer’s Beware Guide to Remarriage

by Benjamin H. Berkley

Bookshelves are filled with warm and fuzzy titles authored by psychologists and family counselors. Their message is to teach how to listen to each other and improve the relationship. Before You Say I Do, Again is not a how-to book to get back together or to stay together. Instead it takes the gloves off and provides insight as to the issues one must consider before walking down the aisle a second time. Tackling a serious subject, but presented in a sometimes whimsical fashion, it puts the brakes on the wedding ceremony and provides the reader with the questions that must be answered before he or she drives down the path of destruction.

254 pages, Paperback

First published September 15, 2009

About the author

From as far back as he can remember, Benjamin Berkley was fascinated by the law. Growing up in Long Beach, New York his daily schedule revolved around grainy black-and-white reruns of Perry Mason who, with the help of Della Street, solved the most complicated of crimes imaginable. It was therefore no surprise to his family and friends that Berkley chose law as his career path, now practicing for over 40 years.

“In Defense of Guilt” is Benjamin Berkley’s second novel. He is also the author of four self-help books and is a contributing writer for the Huffington Post. Berkley lives in southern California with his wife Phyllis and their cat Riley. He has two grown children and is always bragging about his five amazing grandchildren. www.benberkley.com.

Reviews

[Melissa T · Rating 4 out of 5]

This review was originally posted on *Melissa's Midnight Musings on February 11, 2013.

Judging from the title you might think that this book is useful only if you've been married before and are considering taking that plunge again. That's not the case.

I've never been married, and while reading I was able to identify a lot of useful information that would be helpful to talk about within my own relationship. I also gained a lot of insight into the issues that couples fight about most often, and why it is that most marriages and remarriages fail. A lot of it has to do with not working on yourself as a person.

A lot of times people want to put a lot of blame on their ex as being the reason that their marriage failed instead of accepting the fact that they were in part, also responsible, and that they need to work on themselves and improve before they consider taking that trip down the aisle with someone else.

The book is really well laid out in terms of the chapters being clear and concise. There are a lot of questions in each chapter that you can ask yourself and your partner to make sure that you are on the same page about things. This covers a wide range of subjects like finances, emotional health, physical health, legal ramifications etc. I felt that the author was really trying to help people figure out their motivations for remarrying and steer them in the right direction, not by preaching one correct way to do things, but by getting people to really think about why it is that they want to get married again. Since the author is a lawyer, the influence is heavy on the legal ramifications of different aspects of remarriage, but it's not overwhelming, just consistent advice for a variety of situations.

One of the great things about this book is that there are a lot of example situations woven in with the more technical information. I feel that this made the book much more palatable. If it had been just statistics or dry, informational material, I probably wouldn't have enjoyed it as much as I did. With these examples mixed in it really gives a more clear picture of the point the author is trying to make and helps the reader relate to the information more easily. Plus the author takes a somewhat informal tone that shows that he's not just spouting off information but really just trying to help by sharing what he's learned.

The tone is very cautionary, which might make it seem like the author is against marriage, but that really isn't the case. What I took from it is that he's trying to help people avoid re-marrying for the wrong reasons, like wanting to be financially comfortable, or getting married again just because they're used to living with someone, and things like that. The main lesson I came away from reading this with is to always trust your gut. If something doesn't sit right with you about someone you're romantically interested in, it probably isnt. And while some of the questions this book asks you to consider might be awkward to bring up, if you are in a truly loving and comitted relationship you will be able to talk them through without much difficulty.


*I received a free copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

[Mayra · Rating 5 out of 5]

According to Psychology Today, 60% of remarriages fail. What are the reasons? Why do people believe that whatever went wrong the first time won’t happen again?

Have you gone through a divorce, found a new partner and are considering remarrying? Perhaps you’re afraid of making the same mistake twice and are thinking of living together first? Do you wonder if you’re doing the right thing?

Before You Say I Do, Again answers these important questions, and much more. Written by a divorce attorney with over 30 years of experience, the book is filled with insightful information, practical advice and statistics supported by research studies.

Other questions discussed include: Does your new partner have debts that will affect you? Will her/his kids ever like you? Are there any health concerns? Do you know why your previous marriage failed or how you contributed to its destruction? Have you wondered at the legalities of the new marriage? How much are attorney fees? The author points out all the vital questions you should be asking yourself at this important and critical time in your life.

Before You Say I Do, Again is divided into 4 parts:

Part I takes you back to revisit your first marriage and the reason you’re now single; Part II discusses what you’ll need to do before remarrying so that you’ll be emotionally, financially and legally ready to take the first steps (this section includes a test to help you determine if you’re ready); in Part III, the author uses the ‘buying a car’ analogy to show the importance of ‘knowing’ before saying ‘I do;’ finally, Part IV is a compatibility test to determine how your new partner compares to your former spouse. There’s also an appendix that provides useful forms such as a testament, a pre-nuptial agreement and an asset organizer.

Besides being chock-full of information, author/attorney Benjamin Berkley writes in a simple, light, engaging style, making the reading experience enjoyable. The structure is clear and well organized. Best of all, it is written by someone who really knows what he’s talking about. If you or someone in your life is considering remarrying, please do yourself a favour and get a copy of this book. It is definitely an eye opener.

[Rebecca Graf · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a very unique book on getting remarried. It's not you typical one though I have to admit not reading many of them. As you read this review, keep in mind that I did not read this book because I'm getting remarried. I personally have not experienced it, but found where Before You Say I Do Again by Benjamin H. Berkley could be extremely beneficial.

What will you find in this book? This book doesn't just talk about remarriage. It discusses your reasonings for marriage, the emotional effects of divorce and remarriage, each party in the marriage and more. What I really loved about this book was the fact that Mr. Berkley did not beat around the bush on every topic and aspect of remarriage. For example, when it comes to marrying again, the author points out that one of the people in the new marriage is one that was part of a failed marriage. Fault rarely lies totally on one person. So, the faults with the one move into the new marriage. He emphasizes caution and reflection when considering remarriage.

I loved how this book had a sense of humor. It is not dry. It is not something you would have to trudge through. I honestly think that anyone who is in need of this book will find themselves thoroughly enjoying it and reading it over and over as they find more and more they can use. The author goes over how it affects men and women individually and as a couple. I am amazed that the author can fit so much into such a small book. The format is easy to read and follow. It is broken up visually so your eyes can easily absorb it all and find material again.

If you are thinking of getting serious with someone after a divorce, this is a book I think would be extremely beneficial. Please read it and let me know if I'm wrong in this. As I said, I didn't read it because I'm in that boat.

Note: This book was provided as part of a book tour with no expectation of a positive review.

[Angela · Rating 5 out of 5]

Though this book is geared towards those getting married again - I think this book should be required reading for ANYONE wanting to get married, in the midst of getting married, thinking about getting married, thinking about getting married again - or again - and for anyone who dreams of getting married.

I wish I had read this book when I was twenty.

The beauty of this book is that it is written by a divorce attorney!

This is not your typical self-help book full of affirmations to say to yourself in the mirror.

This is an honest advice from a lawyer with everything from navigating through divorce, to setting up pre-nuptial agreements along with your will. There's even a copy of a Pre-Nup and a Last Will and Testament in the end of the book. Bonus.

[Jamie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think Benjamin Berkley hit it right on the spot with what things to prepare yourself for before entering your second marriage. The key point being not to rush into it.

This books talks about what issues that may arise and also makes you look at yourself to ask those tough questions you may have been avoiding.

It's definitely a guide i'd recommend reading before entering your second marriage. I should know, I'm in that exact situation right now.

[Donna McBroom-Theriot · Rating 5 out of 5]

(From the Preface)"I just hope I don't make the same mistake twice." Believe it or not, this is the phrase most often spoken by a client at the end of a divorce hearing.

(From the Introduction) "WARNING LABEL: This book may cause anxiety. It is best read when consuming ice cream, chocolate, or alcohol. If you are starting a new relationsip, this book should be read once a day. If you are engaged, it should be read four times a day. Regardless, always consult your attorney if you feel an uncontrollable urge to get remarried."

(From Chapter 1) "A remarriage has one of the same partners who was present in your last marriage."

Those three statements should give you pause - especially if you are thinking about walking down the aisle a second time - or a third? Before You Say I DO is a book full of valuable information, and I might add - statistics. An alarmingly high number of first marriages end in divorce. That number multiplies tremendously for those willing to take a second shot at happiness. I do not wish to deter you from marrying a second time. I myself was divorced after 18 years of marriage and have been happily married for 15 years to my husband. Not all of us play a part in statistics.

Anyone who is married will tell you that marriage is a like a job. You work hard and the benefits can go beyond your wildest imagination, but, if you do not take your "job" seriously, divorce may be lurking around the corner.

The book is divided into four parts. Part One deals with Navigating the Sea of Divorce with chapter titles such as "Should I open a restaurant or remarry?" and "The legal and nonlegal consequences of divorce" (and other chapters).

Part Two finds you "Getting Ready to Say I Do Again! And has chapter titles such as "Getting emotionally ready to say I do again" "Remarrying for love or money?" "Getting financially ready to say I do, again" and "Are you ready for remarriage?" (and other chapters)

Part Three shows you how to "Kick the tires and check under the hood" with chapters such as "Buyer Beware!" "Sex and Remarriage" and "The Symptoms of Divorce-What you may have missed the first time around" as well as "A blueprint to a successful remarriage" (and other chapters).

Part Four brings us to "Compatibility" and Mr. New vs. Mr. Old - How do they compare?"

The author also includes a sample Prenuptial Agreement, Last Will and Testament with Guardianship, and Asset Organizer.

What this book does is open your eyes with stories and examples that will resonate with any reader who is divorced and contemplating a second marriage. In all of the drama surrounding divorce, we sometimes fail to remember our own part in the demise of the marriage. We find someone new, the sparks are flying, and we once again have stars in our eyes. The chances of those stars blinding you to reality are great. Before you say I DO again gives you a reality check. The author has stuffed the book full of wonderful advice, garnered from over thirty years as a divorce attorney, to help you navigate those unchartered waters with success the second time around.

It is an engaging book with helpful stories and should be required reading for the divorced person wanting to take a second chance. Benjamine Berkley has an engaging style and the book is well organized with self-explanatory titles. He has been a divorce attorney for over thirty years of experience and is using that knowledge to help people before they show up in his office with a second failed marriage.

If you are divorced and hoping to remarry, this is a great guide book and well worth the read. Do yourself a favour and pick it up.

I received a copy of this book in exchange for my unbiased opinion. The review appears at http://mylife-in-stories.blogspot.com

[Ruth Hill · Rating 5 out of 5]

When I read his book "Against My Will," I knew that I wanted to read this book, and I so glad to receive it for review. Having been married before, this book was quite intriguing. After all, I do believe that the majority of people who have been married once want to be married again, and Benjamin Berkley agrees.

I love the fact that the author himself is a lawyer who has seen just about every imaginable divorce/remarriage scenario. He also is himself a remarried man--remarried successfully, I might add. Drawing on his experience, he covers practically every topic you can think of. He asks real questions, and he tells real stories. The book is an easy read because the style is so fluid and straightforward. He offers real helps, including a sample pre-nuptial agreement and will in the back of the book. He is not your family nor your friend, so he does not mince words. He tells you the pure, unadulterated truth.

While I believe that the information and advice in the book is very sound, I do have one minor point of contention. I realize and understand that the author is coming from a legal standpoint and not a religious perspective (even though he does cover religious issues in the book), but it does bother me that he recommends living together. I suppose I am not used to hearing people encourage others to have sex before getting married and possibly live together. I am glad he points out the potential issues and negative statistics of those living together, but he appears to have no qualms about recommending sex before marriage so you can "sample the goods." Thankfully this is a minor issue in the book, but I would have liked to have seen the flip side of why you shouldn't have sex before getting remarried. And, of course, my faith is going to cause me to see things differently than many. And I'm probably not one to be pointing this out since I nearly went down that road myself, but that is another story.

So if you are divorced, I would highly recommend this book to you. That probably means that at least half of my readers are. I especially recommend the book if you are a divorced female because the author gives really sound advice to the single women in particular.

I was sent a copy of this book in exchange for my honest review. I was not financially compensated, and all opinions are 100 percent mine.

[Teena in Toronto · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is good for anyone who is considering remarriage. It's written by a lawyer and as the description says, it's not a "how-to" book. Instead it gives you things to think about before you do it. Some of the chapters cover:

* Remarrying for love or money
* How to handle loneliness
* Listening to the opinions of your family and friends
* Remarrying for revenge
* Blended families and the Brady Bunch nightmare

It also talks about the financial aspects of remarriage ... ensuring you leave with what you came with if this marriage doesn't work and making sure your kids from your first marriage get their inheritances. There is a sample pre-nup agreement in the Appendix.

Here are some stats:

* Median age at second marriage: Men - 34 ~ Female - 32
* Median age at second divorce: Men - 39.3 ~ Female - 37
* Median duration of first marriages which end in divorce: Men - 7.8 years ~ Female - 7.9 years
* Median duration of second marriages which end in divorce: Men - 7.3 years ~ Female - 6.8 years
* # of years people wait to remarry: Men - 3.3 years ~ Female - 3.1 years
* % of remarried people who reach 5th, 10th and 15th anniversary: 5th - 82% ~ 10th - 65% ~ 15th - 42%

The bottom line is before you get remarried, make sure that you are healthy emotionally and are ready to move on. You can't be carrying the revenge and/or bitterness from your first marriage into your next marriage.

I enjoyed the writing style. Despite the subject matter, it was relaxed and not too technical or boring. There are many stories throughout the book to help you relate to the situation.

I'll leave you with this interesting tidbit from the book. According to Match.com, men who are seeking to remarry look for a woman at least ten years younger than them. There's even a guideline for her age! Take his age, divide by two and add 12 years. So if Gord wants to replace me, he'll apparently be looking for a 41-year-old!

Blog review post: http://www.teenaintoronto.com/2013/02...