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The Well Behaved Child: Discipline That Really Works!
A parenting workshop in a book! The biggest frustration felt by today's parents is in the area of discipline. Family psychologist, best-selling author, and parenting expert John Rosemond uses his thirty-six years of professional experience working with families to develop the quintessential "how to" book for parents. Rosemond's step-by-step program, based on biblical principles, traditional parenting approaches, and common sense, covers a wide range of discipline problems applicable to children from toddler to teen. Sections Filled with real-life examples that anyone who's ever been around children can relate to, this book is sure to be one of the most valuable, helpful resources parents have ever stumbled across.
211 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2009
194 people are currently reading
647 people want to read
About the author
John Rosemond
52 books74 followersJohn Rosemond has worked with families, children, and parents since 1971 in the field of family psychology. In 1971, John earned his masters in psychology from Western Illinois University and was elected to the Phi Kappa Phi National Honor Society. In 1999, his alma mater conferred upon John the Distinguished Alumni Award, given only once per year. Upon acceptance, he gave the commencement address.
From 1971-1979, he worked as a psychologist in Illinois and North Carolina and directed several mental-health programs for children.
From 1980-1990. John was in full-time practice as a family psychologist with Piedmont Psychological Associates in Gastonia.
Presently, his time is devoted to speaking and writing. John is syndicated in approximately 225 newspapers nationwide. He has written eleven best-selling parenting books. He is also one of America’s busiest and most popular speakers and most certainly the busiest and most popular in his field. He’s known for his sound advice, humor and easy, relaxed, engaging style.
In the past few years, John has appeared on numerous national television programs including 20/20, Good Morning America, The View, The Today Show, CNN, and CBS Later Today, as well as numerous print interviews.
All of his professional accomplishments aside, John is quick to remind folks that his real qualifications are that he’s been married to the same woman for over forty years, is the father of two successful adults, and the grandfather of seven children…make that seven well-behaved grandchildren.
From 1971-1979, he worked as a psychologist in Illinois and North Carolina and directed several mental-health programs for children.
From 1980-1990. John was in full-time practice as a family psychologist with Piedmont Psychological Associates in Gastonia.
Presently, his time is devoted to speaking and writing. John is syndicated in approximately 225 newspapers nationwide. He has written eleven best-selling parenting books. He is also one of America’s busiest and most popular speakers and most certainly the busiest and most popular in his field. He’s known for his sound advice, humor and easy, relaxed, engaging style.
In the past few years, John has appeared on numerous national television programs including 20/20, Good Morning America, The View, The Today Show, CNN, and CBS Later Today, as well as numerous print interviews.
All of his professional accomplishments aside, John is quick to remind folks that his real qualifications are that he’s been married to the same woman for over forty years, is the father of two successful adults, and the grandfather of seven children…make that seven well-behaved grandchildren.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 96 reviews
March 5, 2012
Although this book has plenty of practical advice in it that I think will be useful to us later down the road, there were three main ideas in the book that were offensive enough to me that I almost gave the book one star and mean that I won't be recommending this book to others.
1. His insistence that it's OK to lie to your kids: One of his main techniques is "The Doctor" as in, "The doctor told me that the reason you aren't eating your vegetables is because you're too sleepy so the next time you won't eat them at dinner, you have to go to bed at 6:30." He justifies this lying by saying that you are well-intentioned and have the best interests of the child in mind. I'm sorry but there have been far too many atrocities, large and small, perpetrated in the this world with just the very same justification. I refuse to believe that you have to lie to your children in order to parent them well.
2. Kids eating by themselves until age 4-5: Rosemond suggests that best way to feed your child is before everyone else and at a small table by themselves until age 4-5. This idea is repugnant to me. There's absolutely no reason why a child should be banished to eat by himself simply because he is young. Yes, parents let children dominate the dinner table and unnecessarily become the center of attention but the solution is NOT to ban them entirely from joining in with the communal joy of eating.
3. "Because I said so" - he contends that if your child questions a direction or command that you've given them, the only proper answer is "Because I said so" or some other variation. The only other alternative (according to Rosemond) is an argument which your child wins. There's a difference between caving in to your child's demands and thoughtfully explaining why you are asking what you are asking. I don't want to raise an robot child who can't think for herself and only does things because I told her to. I'd far rather have her ask the "why" question and answer her. Ultimately, yes, she may have to do it because I said so but to have that be the first answer is simply unacceptable to us.
Two more annoyances: He both supports some arguments and tears down others by citing studies which he never sources. Therefore he's able to support or refute arguments at will without actually allows what he's saying to be double-checked. The notes in the back of the book only refer to other books that he's written and no external sources, even though he does talk about external sources in the books.
Finally, he poo-poohs co-sleeping in a fairly condescending manner. We're clearly in the co-sleeping camp but understand that it's not for everyone and every family. However, he makes it sounds like only crazy people are willing to sleep with their kids.
All in all, I was disappointed in this book. I think much of what he has to say is a useful counterpoint to the "let the child do whatever he wants" mantra of much of contemporary parenting advice. Unfortunately, the rest of what he writes is a turn-off.
1. His insistence that it's OK to lie to your kids: One of his main techniques is "The Doctor" as in, "The doctor told me that the reason you aren't eating your vegetables is because you're too sleepy so the next time you won't eat them at dinner, you have to go to bed at 6:30." He justifies this lying by saying that you are well-intentioned and have the best interests of the child in mind. I'm sorry but there have been far too many atrocities, large and small, perpetrated in the this world with just the very same justification. I refuse to believe that you have to lie to your children in order to parent them well.
2. Kids eating by themselves until age 4-5: Rosemond suggests that best way to feed your child is before everyone else and at a small table by themselves until age 4-5. This idea is repugnant to me. There's absolutely no reason why a child should be banished to eat by himself simply because he is young. Yes, parents let children dominate the dinner table and unnecessarily become the center of attention but the solution is NOT to ban them entirely from joining in with the communal joy of eating.
3. "Because I said so" - he contends that if your child questions a direction or command that you've given them, the only proper answer is "Because I said so" or some other variation. The only other alternative (according to Rosemond) is an argument which your child wins. There's a difference between caving in to your child's demands and thoughtfully explaining why you are asking what you are asking. I don't want to raise an robot child who can't think for herself and only does things because I told her to. I'd far rather have her ask the "why" question and answer her. Ultimately, yes, she may have to do it because I said so but to have that be the first answer is simply unacceptable to us.
Two more annoyances: He both supports some arguments and tears down others by citing studies which he never sources. Therefore he's able to support or refute arguments at will without actually allows what he's saying to be double-checked. The notes in the back of the book only refer to other books that he's written and no external sources, even though he does talk about external sources in the books.
Finally, he poo-poohs co-sleeping in a fairly condescending manner. We're clearly in the co-sleeping camp but understand that it's not for everyone and every family. However, he makes it sounds like only crazy people are willing to sleep with their kids.
All in all, I was disappointed in this book. I think much of what he has to say is a useful counterpoint to the "let the child do whatever he wants" mantra of much of contemporary parenting advice. Unfortunately, the rest of what he writes is a turn-off.
June 1, 2012
I think this is an absolutely excellent book that cuts through our modern-day uncertain, touchy-feely, ineffective parenting methods and puts the power and responsibility where it belongs. The proof is in the pudding and as a society, we've managed to raise a generation of (largely)entitled, lazy, demanding brats who grow up to be dependent, pouty babies in big bodies. Our grandparents understood the job and it was not about making sure their precious darlings got what they wanted and their self-esteem stroked into unwarranted, fictitious heights. That generation understood that a parent can be loving, calm and friendly, but is responsible to TEACH and TRAIN children to become good, responsible human beings. John Rosemond is a straight-talker and he unflinchingly rips away the modern myths and tries to shake some sense back into us. He has significantly helped and empowered me and I find my relationship with my children improving as I stop working myself into a lather trying to be their "friend" and start acting like their parent. He also managed to get me laughing on every page - it's a relief and joy to read!
September 10, 2014
It's what the title says its about — behavior. Not the child's heart or a trust relationship with the parent. He has a couple good common sense principles in the first chapters that should be used (i.e. tone of voice for commands). If you really are just after a well-behaved child, like the kind that came out of the 1950s, then use these principles. But I'm after more.
July 23, 2012
Thought this book was ridiculous at first, but once I really got into it and read his reasoning, I changed my mind and now think he is a genius. He's old school, which I love, instead of all this "don't break their spirit" crap. He discusses discipline back in the 50's and 60's and how those people grew up and compares it to the 80's and 90's generation. The generations that began the "Soft" parenting. And all the problems with today's society where everyone is ADD or ADHD or has some other label, and doctors want to fix everything with a pill instead of real discipline. Don't get me wrong, he isn't abusive and isn't about spanking at all, but his punishments are harsh. He believes in punishments that a child won't soon forget. Mostly loss of privileged, but to the umpth degree.
He offers several different methods, which mostly have the same end result for the child, and an entire chapter on certain behaviors that he has come across often like eating issues, sibling warfare, tantrums, etc.. Love this book. A 5 star for sure! A must for any parent with kids 4 and up. He also has a book called "Making the terrible twos terrific" which I just ordered since I have a 3 year old and these methods aren't recommended for her age he suggested that book.
He offers several different methods, which mostly have the same end result for the child, and an entire chapter on certain behaviors that he has come across often like eating issues, sibling warfare, tantrums, etc.. Love this book. A 5 star for sure! A must for any parent with kids 4 and up. He also has a book called "Making the terrible twos terrific" which I just ordered since I have a 3 year old and these methods aren't recommended for her age he suggested that book.
December 21, 2010
Any parent of a child older than 12 months old knows that children have a mind of their own and many times, that mind tells them to rebel against all social mores known to the civilized world. It is the goal of most, if not all parents to be able to train their child in a way that teaches the child obedience, respect, and self-confidence. Unfortunately, many parents are simply at their wit's end in knowing how to effectively train their children.
Family psychologist and syndicated columnist John Rosemond all but guarantees phenomenal results in even the most devilish of children in his newest book, The Well-Behaved Child. His basic premise is that, contrary to modern-day "psychobabble" (he uses this and other similar terms throughout the book), children are, in a word, bad. And it is solely the parents' responsibility to "exorcise those demons that can be pried loose and help their child learn to control those that refuse to let go" (p.5). To this end, Rosemond outlines "seven fundamentals of effective discipline" and "seven discipline tools you can't do without."
Rosemond's fundamentals of effective discipline rest entirely on the assertion that parents have ultimate authority in the family and until they learn to talk ("Alpha Speech") and act like it, their children simply won't be bothered to listen or obey. Parents should use phrases like "Because I said so" frequently and with gusto. Closely following this is the need to nip disobedience in the bud by requiring first time obedience and administering punishment that more severe than the crime warrants in order to prevent the crime from occurring again.
Some of the discipline tools include "tickets," "strikes," or "charts." Each of these follow a similar theme in that the child is given a set number of chances in a given time period to obey before punishment is administered. The first two or three are allowed to pass without punishment, but once those are gone, the child then begins losing privileges for a set period of time. Punishments include things like taking away toys, video games, and privileges. The harshest punishment that Rosemond seems to consider is a child being confined to his room for the rest of the day no matter what time the punishment is administered. At the end of the period, the child will supposedly either be reformed or in need of another hearty dose of one or another of these discipline tools.
Anyone familiar with Rosemond's column on parenting will know exactly what to expect. For those unfamiliar with him, Rosemond is his usual sarcastic, sometimes-humorous, caustic, condescending self who insists that previous generations all had enough common sense to know exactly how to deal with these "Demon Spawn[s] of Satan." Many of today's parenting problems would not exist if only today's parents took advice from their grandparents. From the start, Rosemond is quite clear that he has no tolerance for modern-day "psychobabble" that labels misbehaving children with some psychological ailment of one stripe or another. According to Rosemond, most if not all "ailments" are curable by implementing strict discipline.
While Rosemond is careful to insist that his methods are not guaranteed to change a child, it seems like he is only trying to add a disclaimer after repeatedly using language that shows he thinks otherwise. For example, he states that "one does not accomplish the successful discipline of a child by manipulating the consequences" (p.22), yet every disciplinary tool he recommends incorporates some consequence as a result of a child's misbehavior.
There are several good things that Rosemond discusses in his book. I believe he is absolutely correct when he says that children are born bad and that it is the parents' responsibility to train their children. This lines up with the Biblical teaching of the depravity of man and the authority of the parents. First time obedience should indeed be expected of and trained in our children. Some of the tools and principles he suggests seem to be at least worth trying.
At the same time, there are several issues that I have with what Rosemond has written. First, Rosemond has an extremely authoritarian view of parenting. Children are not to be reasoned with or given explanations, but are to simply obey what has been told them. As Rosemond says, "When a child is old enough to be successfully reasoned with, he is no longer a child. He's ready to leave home--and he should" (p.6). This kind of thinking leaves me scratching my head and wondering why Rosemond would not see the wisdom in giving explanations to their children in order to help the children understand what has been told them. I'm not talking about arguing with a toddler, but simply explaining things to a child who has developed the ability to understand things. This kind of discipline seems to only tend toward making a person completely dependent on the parents' beliefs, only to have the child rebel at the first possible opportunity.
Additionally, the one "tool" I disagree with the most is what Rosemond refers to as "the Doctor." Essentially, the parents convince a child that, according to "the Doctor" his or her obedience issues aren't the child's fault because the child is simply too tired, too over-stimulated, etc. and simply needs more rest. The child can't really argue with the parents since it's not their call, but rather "the Doctor's." Rosemond attempts to justify this lie by saying it isn't really a lie since it is in the child's best interest. What perplexes me the most about this "tool" is that it seems to contradict what Rosemond has just spent pages trying to establish - that every issue of disobedience IS the child's problem and that final authority rests on the parents. Instead, the fictitious "Doctor" is given final authority and the problem is converted into one that the child supposedly has no control over except to rest more.
Lastly, Rosemond constantly refers to research that has been done that proves without a doubt his point of view. For example, he says "Research into parenting outcomes is clear that the best-behaved children are also the happiest, most well-adjusted children" (p.148). However, this research is never cited in the endnotes section. I realize that this isn't necessarily a professional psychological paper, but if he's going to have an endnotes section (in which he cites himself in 7 out of 11 endnotes), it wouldn't be too much of a stretch to include some reference as to where this research comes from. Or maybe Rosemond is simply pulling his own version of "the Doctor" on his readers.
Overall, the Rosemond has some good principles to give concerning parenting and even some helpful tools. But the reader should take everything with a grain of salt and more than just a little discernment.
(Thanks to Thomas Nelson for providing a review copy of this book.)
Family psychologist and syndicated columnist John Rosemond all but guarantees phenomenal results in even the most devilish of children in his newest book, The Well-Behaved Child. His basic premise is that, contrary to modern-day "psychobabble" (he uses this and other similar terms throughout the book), children are, in a word, bad. And it is solely the parents' responsibility to "exorcise those demons that can be pried loose and help their child learn to control those that refuse to let go" (p.5). To this end, Rosemond outlines "seven fundamentals of effective discipline" and "seven discipline tools you can't do without."
Rosemond's fundamentals of effective discipline rest entirely on the assertion that parents have ultimate authority in the family and until they learn to talk ("Alpha Speech") and act like it, their children simply won't be bothered to listen or obey. Parents should use phrases like "Because I said so" frequently and with gusto. Closely following this is the need to nip disobedience in the bud by requiring first time obedience and administering punishment that more severe than the crime warrants in order to prevent the crime from occurring again.
Some of the discipline tools include "tickets," "strikes," or "charts." Each of these follow a similar theme in that the child is given a set number of chances in a given time period to obey before punishment is administered. The first two or three are allowed to pass without punishment, but once those are gone, the child then begins losing privileges for a set period of time. Punishments include things like taking away toys, video games, and privileges. The harshest punishment that Rosemond seems to consider is a child being confined to his room for the rest of the day no matter what time the punishment is administered. At the end of the period, the child will supposedly either be reformed or in need of another hearty dose of one or another of these discipline tools.
Anyone familiar with Rosemond's column on parenting will know exactly what to expect. For those unfamiliar with him, Rosemond is his usual sarcastic, sometimes-humorous, caustic, condescending self who insists that previous generations all had enough common sense to know exactly how to deal with these "Demon Spawn[s] of Satan." Many of today's parenting problems would not exist if only today's parents took advice from their grandparents. From the start, Rosemond is quite clear that he has no tolerance for modern-day "psychobabble" that labels misbehaving children with some psychological ailment of one stripe or another. According to Rosemond, most if not all "ailments" are curable by implementing strict discipline.
While Rosemond is careful to insist that his methods are not guaranteed to change a child, it seems like he is only trying to add a disclaimer after repeatedly using language that shows he thinks otherwise. For example, he states that "one does not accomplish the successful discipline of a child by manipulating the consequences" (p.22), yet every disciplinary tool he recommends incorporates some consequence as a result of a child's misbehavior.
There are several good things that Rosemond discusses in his book. I believe he is absolutely correct when he says that children are born bad and that it is the parents' responsibility to train their children. This lines up with the Biblical teaching of the depravity of man and the authority of the parents. First time obedience should indeed be expected of and trained in our children. Some of the tools and principles he suggests seem to be at least worth trying.
At the same time, there are several issues that I have with what Rosemond has written. First, Rosemond has an extremely authoritarian view of parenting. Children are not to be reasoned with or given explanations, but are to simply obey what has been told them. As Rosemond says, "When a child is old enough to be successfully reasoned with, he is no longer a child. He's ready to leave home--and he should" (p.6). This kind of thinking leaves me scratching my head and wondering why Rosemond would not see the wisdom in giving explanations to their children in order to help the children understand what has been told them. I'm not talking about arguing with a toddler, but simply explaining things to a child who has developed the ability to understand things. This kind of discipline seems to only tend toward making a person completely dependent on the parents' beliefs, only to have the child rebel at the first possible opportunity.
Additionally, the one "tool" I disagree with the most is what Rosemond refers to as "the Doctor." Essentially, the parents convince a child that, according to "the Doctor" his or her obedience issues aren't the child's fault because the child is simply too tired, too over-stimulated, etc. and simply needs more rest. The child can't really argue with the parents since it's not their call, but rather "the Doctor's." Rosemond attempts to justify this lie by saying it isn't really a lie since it is in the child's best interest. What perplexes me the most about this "tool" is that it seems to contradict what Rosemond has just spent pages trying to establish - that every issue of disobedience IS the child's problem and that final authority rests on the parents. Instead, the fictitious "Doctor" is given final authority and the problem is converted into one that the child supposedly has no control over except to rest more.
Lastly, Rosemond constantly refers to research that has been done that proves without a doubt his point of view. For example, he says "Research into parenting outcomes is clear that the best-behaved children are also the happiest, most well-adjusted children" (p.148). However, this research is never cited in the endnotes section. I realize that this isn't necessarily a professional psychological paper, but if he's going to have an endnotes section (in which he cites himself in 7 out of 11 endnotes), it wouldn't be too much of a stretch to include some reference as to where this research comes from. Or maybe Rosemond is simply pulling his own version of "the Doctor" on his readers.
Overall, the Rosemond has some good principles to give concerning parenting and even some helpful tools. But the reader should take everything with a grain of salt and more than just a little discernment.
(Thanks to Thomas Nelson for providing a review copy of this book.)
Read
October 29, 2019"The problems began in the late 1960s, when parents stopped taking their cues from their elders and began following the advice of people like me: psychologists and other mental health professionals. . . The discipline of children is not difficult." (xiii)
"In the 1960s and 1970s, we stopped listening to our elders tell us how to raise kids and began listening to people with capital letters after their names..." (xvii) // problem #1
"...effective punishment can only be done out of love. A child who is not completely secure in the knowledge and feeling that his parents love him without reservation will not accept their punishment." (7)
"While punishment is regrettably necessary at times, it is not the only means of skinning the cat of bad behavior. Sometimes, it is better to confuse the misbehaving child, to mess with his mind, than to simply punish him. This is nothing new. Your great-grandmother called it 'reverse psychology.'" (7)
"They just obey because they have come to realize, intuitively (children can't articulate these concepts), that obedience is the ticket to a happy childhood. Freedom is not the ticket (although obedient children tend to enjoy lots of freedom)..." (9)
"With children, proper consequences deliver information. In effect, a punitive consequence (assuming it's appropriate to the situation) conveys this message to a child:
'What you are not experiencing [the consequence] is a scaled-down example of what will likely
happen to you if you behave that way as an adult in the real world.'
. . . My point: whereas a proper and properly delivered consequence will change the behavior of a dog, a proper and properly delivered consequence simply causes a child to think. Hopefully, the child's thinking will result in his deciding to forever abandon the misbehavior in question. But if may not, and if it doesn't, that doesn't mean that the consequence was improper or improperly delivered." (12)
"...effective leaders do not argue with the people they lead, ever." (27)
"It can't be said often enough: you cannot change your child's behavior. You can only bring about circumstances in your child's life that will cause him to reconsider his behavior and change it himself." (54)
"Parenting is an influence, and your job is to maximize the positive aspects of your influence. But in the final analysis, your child takes your influence and - read this carefully - he decides what he's going to do with it. It's all about free will, the ability to choose what the serpent tells us to do over what God tells us to do." (63) // underline added only
"One thing is certain: if God's discipline has been rejected by His children, then your discipline may be rejected by your children as well." (64) // but even then, there's still prayer
"It's amazing how quickly 'forgetfulness' can be cured by simply assigning a child full responsibility for its consequences." (92)
"...while a child may be more intelligent than her parents, she is not smarter." (117)
"If your child asks why he has to eat things he doesn't like, say, 'Because I am training you to be a good guest in someone else's home. It is rude to refuse to eat what someone else cooked unless you have a true allergy to the food. You have no food allergies that I know of, so you need to learn to eat what you are served.' Period." (125)
"The best research into cognitive development finds that those abilities (manipulation, analyzing the effect your behavior is having on someone else, planning ahead) don't emerge until sometime around age twelve, give or take a year. In other words, children don't possess the brainpower to be truly, deviously manipulative until they are on the cusp of adolescence. . . the key to manipulation is intention, and eight-year-olds, for example, lack that degree of wherewithal. So if intention isn't there, then the fact that A results in B is nothing but a bad family habit." (127)
"My experience has convinced me that lying and stealing don't respond to punishment. It's as if the deceptive child regard punishment as a challenge. The bigger the punishment, the more determined the child become to stick to his story and refuse to confess." (136)
"Sibling conflict becomes sibling rivalry when you, the well-intentioned parent, get involved in an attempt to end the conflict." (139)
"...you cannot talk a child into behaving properly. Consequences stop misbehavior - consequences that children do not like." (183)
"A reactive response is almost always emotional; therefore, reactivity is not authoritative. Proactivity ensures a much more authoritative response when misbehavior occurs." (185)
"Communication, consequences, consistency: that's what discipline is all about." (185)
Final words of advice:
"Effective parenting is about leadership, not relationship/ Leadership is the horse; relationship is the cart. It will follow in its time." (187)
"The center of attention in a family ought to be clearly occupied by adults or an adult." (189)
"Create a contributing role for each of your children by assigning daily chores beginning at age three. . . It's important, therefore, that you teach your children that service is a virtue." (190)
"Maximize your family by keeping extracurricular activities to a minimum." (191)
"Help your kids discover and develop interests that have the potential of becoming lifelong pursuits."(194)
"Keep television and video games to a minimum (less than five hours a week, cumulatively) in your kids' lives, and let your kids use computers only when absolutely necessary." (195)
"It's about your child's character, not his achievements; manners, not skills. Besides, people of good character figure out how to share their gifts with the rest of us." (197)
"In the 1960s and 1970s, we stopped listening to our elders tell us how to raise kids and began listening to people with capital letters after their names..." (xvii) // problem #1
"...effective punishment can only be done out of love. A child who is not completely secure in the knowledge and feeling that his parents love him without reservation will not accept their punishment." (7)
"While punishment is regrettably necessary at times, it is not the only means of skinning the cat of bad behavior. Sometimes, it is better to confuse the misbehaving child, to mess with his mind, than to simply punish him. This is nothing new. Your great-grandmother called it 'reverse psychology.'" (7)
"They just obey because they have come to realize, intuitively (children can't articulate these concepts), that obedience is the ticket to a happy childhood. Freedom is not the ticket (although obedient children tend to enjoy lots of freedom)..." (9)
"With children, proper consequences deliver information. In effect, a punitive consequence (assuming it's appropriate to the situation) conveys this message to a child:
'What you are not experiencing [the consequence] is a scaled-down example of what will likely
happen to you if you behave that way as an adult in the real world.'
. . . My point: whereas a proper and properly delivered consequence will change the behavior of a dog, a proper and properly delivered consequence simply causes a child to think. Hopefully, the child's thinking will result in his deciding to forever abandon the misbehavior in question. But if may not, and if it doesn't, that doesn't mean that the consequence was improper or improperly delivered." (12)
"...effective leaders do not argue with the people they lead, ever." (27)
"It can't be said often enough: you cannot change your child's behavior. You can only bring about circumstances in your child's life that will cause him to reconsider his behavior and change it himself." (54)
"Parenting is an influence, and your job is to maximize the positive aspects of your influence. But in the final analysis, your child takes your influence and - read this carefully - he decides what he's going to do with it. It's all about free will, the ability to choose what the serpent tells us to do over what God tells us to do." (63) // underline added only
"One thing is certain: if God's discipline has been rejected by His children, then your discipline may be rejected by your children as well." (64) // but even then, there's still prayer
"It's amazing how quickly 'forgetfulness' can be cured by simply assigning a child full responsibility for its consequences." (92)
"...while a child may be more intelligent than her parents, she is not smarter." (117)
"If your child asks why he has to eat things he doesn't like, say, 'Because I am training you to be a good guest in someone else's home. It is rude to refuse to eat what someone else cooked unless you have a true allergy to the food. You have no food allergies that I know of, so you need to learn to eat what you are served.' Period." (125)
"The best research into cognitive development finds that those abilities (manipulation, analyzing the effect your behavior is having on someone else, planning ahead) don't emerge until sometime around age twelve, give or take a year. In other words, children don't possess the brainpower to be truly, deviously manipulative until they are on the cusp of adolescence. . . the key to manipulation is intention, and eight-year-olds, for example, lack that degree of wherewithal. So if intention isn't there, then the fact that A results in B is nothing but a bad family habit." (127)
"My experience has convinced me that lying and stealing don't respond to punishment. It's as if the deceptive child regard punishment as a challenge. The bigger the punishment, the more determined the child become to stick to his story and refuse to confess." (136)
"Sibling conflict becomes sibling rivalry when you, the well-intentioned parent, get involved in an attempt to end the conflict." (139)
"...you cannot talk a child into behaving properly. Consequences stop misbehavior - consequences that children do not like." (183)
"A reactive response is almost always emotional; therefore, reactivity is not authoritative. Proactivity ensures a much more authoritative response when misbehavior occurs." (185)
"Communication, consequences, consistency: that's what discipline is all about." (185)
Final words of advice:
"Effective parenting is about leadership, not relationship/ Leadership is the horse; relationship is the cart. It will follow in its time." (187)
"The center of attention in a family ought to be clearly occupied by adults or an adult." (189)
"Create a contributing role for each of your children by assigning daily chores beginning at age three. . . It's important, therefore, that you teach your children that service is a virtue." (190)
"Maximize your family by keeping extracurricular activities to a minimum." (191)
"Help your kids discover and develop interests that have the potential of becoming lifelong pursuits."(194)
"Keep television and video games to a minimum (less than five hours a week, cumulatively) in your kids' lives, and let your kids use computers only when absolutely necessary." (195)
"It's about your child's character, not his achievements; manners, not skills. Besides, people of good character figure out how to share their gifts with the rest of us." (197)
November 27, 2025
phenomenal read if you can agree with his foundational principles (which I do). His methods are helpful because they'll provoke some good conversations depending on if you have high misbehaving children or low misbehaving children.
not everyone will like what he says, in fact, most people won't like what he says. Taking time to really analyze what he's saying will help clarify for anyone what they think about discipline and children. Even if you don't like what he says, Rosemont will likely help spark some good conversations about how you plan to discipline regardless.
My wife and I greatly benefited from this book and I couldn't recommend it highly enough for a practical book on discipline.
not everyone will like what he says, in fact, most people won't like what he says. Taking time to really analyze what he's saying will help clarify for anyone what they think about discipline and children. Even if you don't like what he says, Rosemont will likely help spark some good conversations about how you plan to discipline regardless.
My wife and I greatly benefited from this book and I couldn't recommend it highly enough for a practical book on discipline.
April 28, 2019
This is one of the best books I have ever read. It is spot on in what works for disciplining children. My parents followed this framework and as a school teacher of 21 years I have spent years observing/trying what works and doesn't work. It is a common sense, bold, no nonsense approach. A great tool for helping to raise and teach children.
November 23, 2025
This was such a refreshing thing to read amidst all of the "popular" parenting books.
It goes against everything the "popular" people are saying, and that is exactly what we need.
It goes against everything the "popular" people are saying, and that is exactly what we need.
July 10, 2020
This book gives extremely practical advice on how to raise and discipline a young child (up through pre-teens?). He also gives help on how to organize our implementation of his suggested methods. Very compelling reasons for using the methods are given briefly; the meat of the book is actually telling us how to do it.
This review brought to you by a 2020 Summer Reading Program patron.
Find it in the catalog here.
This review brought to you by a 2020 Summer Reading Program patron.
Find it in the catalog here.
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March 18, 2010Having raised four children of my own and now raising my grandson, I've have a lot of child-rearing experience. Disciplining your child has changed dramatically from when I was a child. It has changed even more since my children were little. Now faced with trying to discipline my grandson in a day and age when discipline is looked down upon, I was thinking this book would be a huge help.
Touted as "A parenting workshop in a book!" It really piqued my interest.
The Book Description:
"The biggest frustration felt by today's parents is in the area of discipline. Family psychologist, best-selling author, and parenting expert John Rosemond uses his thirty-six years of professional experience working with families to develop the quintessential "how to" book for parents. Rosemond's step-by-step program, based on biblical principles, traditional parenting approaches, and common sense, covers a wide range of discipline problems applicable to children from toddler to teen.
Sections include:
* Essential Discipline Principles
* Essential Discipline Tools
* Perplexing Problems and Simple Solutions
* Not Your Everyday Problems
* General Questions and Answers
Filled with real-life examples that anyone who's ever been around children can relate to, this book is sure to be one of the most valuable, helpful resources parents have ever stumbled across."
It is a valuable resource, a good read and gives you some great child-rearing advice but..... as with any "advice" you receive there will parts you will agree with and parts you won't. I do agree that parents need to take a slightly more hard line approach when disciplining their children, however do they need to be as tough as Mr. Rosemond suggests in this book? His advice is basically that parents are "king" the children are the "peasants" and they will do as I say or else. The children are not to be given a choice, are not allowed an opinion and are not allowed to suffer the consequences of their actions.
The one thing I hated most growing up is when my mom or dad answered me with "because I said so" when I asked "why?". I think children are intelligent enough to understand reason. I think they also deserve to be told why you are saying "no" or why they are being grounded, or why privileges are being taken away. Mr. Rosemond's approach is that parents don't need to cater to their child and what they say goes no need to explain.
Although I don't agree with everything in the book, I did find some good advice that I can use in deciding how best to discipline of my grandson.
Touted as "A parenting workshop in a book!" It really piqued my interest.
The Book Description:
"The biggest frustration felt by today's parents is in the area of discipline. Family psychologist, best-selling author, and parenting expert John Rosemond uses his thirty-six years of professional experience working with families to develop the quintessential "how to" book for parents. Rosemond's step-by-step program, based on biblical principles, traditional parenting approaches, and common sense, covers a wide range of discipline problems applicable to children from toddler to teen.
Sections include:
* Essential Discipline Principles
* Essential Discipline Tools
* Perplexing Problems and Simple Solutions
* Not Your Everyday Problems
* General Questions and Answers
Filled with real-life examples that anyone who's ever been around children can relate to, this book is sure to be one of the most valuable, helpful resources parents have ever stumbled across."
It is a valuable resource, a good read and gives you some great child-rearing advice but..... as with any "advice" you receive there will parts you will agree with and parts you won't. I do agree that parents need to take a slightly more hard line approach when disciplining their children, however do they need to be as tough as Mr. Rosemond suggests in this book? His advice is basically that parents are "king" the children are the "peasants" and they will do as I say or else. The children are not to be given a choice, are not allowed an opinion and are not allowed to suffer the consequences of their actions.
The one thing I hated most growing up is when my mom or dad answered me with "because I said so" when I asked "why?". I think children are intelligent enough to understand reason. I think they also deserve to be told why you are saying "no" or why they are being grounded, or why privileges are being taken away. Mr. Rosemond's approach is that parents don't need to cater to their child and what they say goes no need to explain.
Although I don't agree with everything in the book, I did find some good advice that I can use in deciding how best to discipline of my grandson.
July 19, 2017
Straightforward and unafraid to bash trending conventional wisdom, Mr. Rosemond turns back time to encourage his readers to parent like 'your grandparents' did. Though trained in psychology, he does not espouse going to psychologists to fix parenting problems but encourages readers to practice the parenting methodology of yesteryear. That isn't to say his advice is as simple as "do it or I'll spank you", as Mr. Rosemond leaves the paddle in the drawer while coming up with several practical yet creative solutions to problems that children commonly have. I imagine some people will cringe at the advice given in this book, but it does seem to be a refreshing approach to discipline that aims to put the consequences back on the shoulders of the children rather than their stressed-out parents.
May 30, 2011
Just saw is man speak for the 2nd time at my annual meeting, and was struck by how much good common parenting sense is enclosed herein. . .it's very similar to the material he covers in his talks and is laugh-out-loud funny to boot. Dunno if I will incorporate his exact parenting style, however I do know there are a lot of good things I took away. .
July 26, 2023
Dnf—this man is devoid of feelings
February 3, 2011
Good discipline techniques, though pretty hard-core. May be useful in the future.
August 23, 2025
Leadership, Not Friendship: A Return to Parental Authority
In an era saturated with parenting advice that prioritizes the child’s emotional state above all else, John Rosemond’s The Well Behaved Child serves as a bracing and necessary return to first principles. This is not a book for parents seeking to negotiate with their toddlers or to find therapeutic justifications for bad behavior. Instead, it is a clear-eyed manual for establishing a functional, ordered, and ultimately more peaceful household by unapologetically re-establishing the parent as the loving head of the family.
Rosemond’s central thesis is a simple, yet revolutionary one in today’s climate: the primary responsibility of a parent is not to be their child’s friend, but their leader. He argues convincingly that the last several decades of child-rearing, dominated by psychological theories that treat children as miniature adults capable of complex negotiation, have resulted in a generation of parents who are insecure in their own authority and children who are tyrannical in their demands. Rosemond deconstructs this flawed paradigm with devastating logic, showing how the constant focus on a child's self-esteem actually cultivates a debilitating self-centeredness. The freedom a child truly needs, he contends, is not the license to do as he pleases, but the security that comes from living within clear, consistent, and rationally enforced boundaries.
The book’s most profound insight is its redirection of parental focus from ephemeral feelings to observable behavior. Rosemond correctly identifies that a parent's role is not to endlessly psychoanalyze a child’s tantrums, but to correct the unacceptable action. By doing so, the parent is not merely managing a household; they are engaged in the fundamental work of character formation. The goal is not a perpetually "happy" child—an impossible and frankly undesirable aim—but a child who is learning the essential virtues of self-control, respect for others, and personal responsibility. This approach understands that true contentment is a byproduct of a well-ordered life and a rightly-formed conscience, not the result of having every whim indulged.
Rosemond's prose is direct, commonsensical, and refreshingly free of jargon. He offers practical, actionable advice on everything from bedtime routines to chores and discipline. If there is a weakness, it is that this same directness can occasionally read as curmudgeonly, perhaps alienating parents who are genuinely lost and seeking a gentler starting point. Furthermore, while his principles are universally applicable, some readers may find themselves wishing for more nuanced applications to the unique complexities of their own family situations.
Nevertheless, these are minor quibbles with a work of foundational importance. The Well Behaved Child is more than a book on discipline; it is a powerful argument for the restoration of a moral order within the family. It equips parents with the confidence to lead, not by force or anger, but with the quiet authority that comes from knowing they are acting in their child's best, long-term interest. It is an indispensable guide for any parent who senses that modern methods have failed and who wishes to raise not just a well-behaved child, but a competent and virtuous adult.
In an era saturated with parenting advice that prioritizes the child’s emotional state above all else, John Rosemond’s The Well Behaved Child serves as a bracing and necessary return to first principles. This is not a book for parents seeking to negotiate with their toddlers or to find therapeutic justifications for bad behavior. Instead, it is a clear-eyed manual for establishing a functional, ordered, and ultimately more peaceful household by unapologetically re-establishing the parent as the loving head of the family.
Rosemond’s central thesis is a simple, yet revolutionary one in today’s climate: the primary responsibility of a parent is not to be their child’s friend, but their leader. He argues convincingly that the last several decades of child-rearing, dominated by psychological theories that treat children as miniature adults capable of complex negotiation, have resulted in a generation of parents who are insecure in their own authority and children who are tyrannical in their demands. Rosemond deconstructs this flawed paradigm with devastating logic, showing how the constant focus on a child's self-esteem actually cultivates a debilitating self-centeredness. The freedom a child truly needs, he contends, is not the license to do as he pleases, but the security that comes from living within clear, consistent, and rationally enforced boundaries.
The book’s most profound insight is its redirection of parental focus from ephemeral feelings to observable behavior. Rosemond correctly identifies that a parent's role is not to endlessly psychoanalyze a child’s tantrums, but to correct the unacceptable action. By doing so, the parent is not merely managing a household; they are engaged in the fundamental work of character formation. The goal is not a perpetually "happy" child—an impossible and frankly undesirable aim—but a child who is learning the essential virtues of self-control, respect for others, and personal responsibility. This approach understands that true contentment is a byproduct of a well-ordered life and a rightly-formed conscience, not the result of having every whim indulged.
Rosemond's prose is direct, commonsensical, and refreshingly free of jargon. He offers practical, actionable advice on everything from bedtime routines to chores and discipline. If there is a weakness, it is that this same directness can occasionally read as curmudgeonly, perhaps alienating parents who are genuinely lost and seeking a gentler starting point. Furthermore, while his principles are universally applicable, some readers may find themselves wishing for more nuanced applications to the unique complexities of their own family situations.
Nevertheless, these are minor quibbles with a work of foundational importance. The Well Behaved Child is more than a book on discipline; it is a powerful argument for the restoration of a moral order within the family. It equips parents with the confidence to lead, not by force or anger, but with the quiet authority that comes from knowing they are acting in their child's best, long-term interest. It is an indispensable guide for any parent who senses that modern methods have failed and who wishes to raise not just a well-behaved child, but a competent and virtuous adult.
June 21, 2020
Impressive perspective! This book is not for dainty snowflake parents who will likely be put off in the first chapter. But if you are fed up with your kids running the show, tantrums, hitting, defiance, and a general lack of kids listening and doing when you ask them to do something, this could be a game changer.
Take time to read the ENTIRE BOOK before passing judgement on Rosemond's advice.
Also, keep in mind as you read that he presents difficult and downright obnoxious child behaviors as his examples. Of course you don't confine your kid to his room for a month for every infraction. But for those who think Rosemond's advice to confine a four year old to the bathroom for three days because of toilet training defiance, just take a moment to use some logic and common sense to consider why he recommends this. Toilet training issues are monumental, creating ongoing months of havoc for parents. So which would you prefer? Fighting with your child day in and day out for six months (or more), cleaning up poo, washing clothing and child, angry and frustrated, or take three days and "nip it in the bud".
Rosemond is suggesting that if you treat the big stuff with a big response, you save you and your child much unnecessary frustration because you create a memorable experience for your child to draw from in the future, thus often avoiding more and bigger issues. His other oft given advice is giving the child X number of chances each day to curtail an unruly behavior, with early bedtime as the consequence.
He also recommends a good sense of humor and lots of parental love. You have to love your kids enough to discipline them. And you must have righteous and proper expectations for your kids.
5 stars. Highly recommended.
Take time to read the ENTIRE BOOK before passing judgement on Rosemond's advice.
Also, keep in mind as you read that he presents difficult and downright obnoxious child behaviors as his examples. Of course you don't confine your kid to his room for a month for every infraction. But for those who think Rosemond's advice to confine a four year old to the bathroom for three days because of toilet training defiance, just take a moment to use some logic and common sense to consider why he recommends this. Toilet training issues are monumental, creating ongoing months of havoc for parents. So which would you prefer? Fighting with your child day in and day out for six months (or more), cleaning up poo, washing clothing and child, angry and frustrated, or take three days and "nip it in the bud".
Rosemond is suggesting that if you treat the big stuff with a big response, you save you and your child much unnecessary frustration because you create a memorable experience for your child to draw from in the future, thus often avoiding more and bigger issues. His other oft given advice is giving the child X number of chances each day to curtail an unruly behavior, with early bedtime as the consequence.
He also recommends a good sense of humor and lots of parental love. You have to love your kids enough to discipline them. And you must have righteous and proper expectations for your kids.
5 stars. Highly recommended.
March 20, 2024
My John Rosemond fandom continues. He encourages parents not to skip to the "how-to's" (chapters 3/4/5) and instead focus on the foundation of why kids are the way they are, and how parenting (formerly child-rearing) has changed since the 1960's, and it has absolutely changed. He really is the lone wolf in the wilderness talking about this subject. The how-to's were very practical (the charts can get a little complicated, but I understand the purpose and execution), but really it's your approach to your children (authority), and your role in their lives (leadership). As well as your relationship to your spouse (of utmost importance). I bought this as a handbook, but it's also a handy reminder of how important those biblical principles (and he recaps some of these at the end of the book) are to raising children: love God, love your spouse, use discipline wisely and hold the line, and provide leadership to your children. I'm to the point where with basically almost any recommendation he makes, we're trying out. Most of them were how I was raised (I was born in the 70s and my parents in the 40s), and my mantra is: "It worked for me/my husband, it'll work for him." That's doesn't completely track with everything, but about 94% of it.
June 26, 2019
I have mixed feelings about this one. The heavy handed religiosity and corporal punishment elements in here just do not suit me. Not really buying into the one size fits all approach Rosemond asserts either.
However, I do appreciate his focus on being a strong leader within a family as a parent. That makes sense to me. I like his focus on raising good citizens too.
Overall, there are some very practical bits in this book that I’ll keep in my toolbox and some parts I will definitely disregard.
However, I do appreciate his focus on being a strong leader within a family as a parent. That makes sense to me. I like his focus on raising good citizens too.
Overall, there are some very practical bits in this book that I’ll keep in my toolbox and some parts I will definitely disregard.
July 1, 2021
John Rosemond is not for everyone. He is old-school and opinionated. But I like him. He's right when he says that the most important chapters in this book are 1, 2, and 6. Those are the chapters that deal with adopting a healthy parenting "mindset." Chapters 3, 4, and 5 describe tactics and scenarios. Honestly, I really don't think that those were nearly as helpful and meaningful for me as chapters 1, 2, and 6. Discipline strategies are (like he says) for dealing with behavior that's gotten out of control (bad habits that need to be broken). He says that Alpha Voice, Because I Said So, and the Agony Principle should take care of 80 percent of day-to-day discipline. He's probably right.
January 25, 2024
Pretty good. Really liked his introduction about "Why children are bad," it had me laughing so much that I read parts of it out loud to Andrew and his dismissal of all the "psychobabble" in "parenting" today. I liked a lot of his philiosophies but didn't love a lot of the examples. All good parenting books say the same thing which is basically, put your foot down! Quit being a softie sissy. Just gotta do it i guess haha. But I did get some good ideas from this one, got my mind thinking.
September 13, 2017
Straight-up common sense. Though not a parent, this book helped me as a teacher reckon some of today's "educational discipline strategies" (aka bribery and "choice-making") with what kids really need: clear-cut, well-defined rules that are confidently and consistently enforced. Will be checking out more of Rosemond's work.
October 28, 2023
5 ⭐️
Practical, informative, and enlightening.
What my wife and I learned from this book is bringing more harmony to our home. It’s written for parents of 3-13 year olds. Be warned, it's not a book on quick fixes. This volume is about fostering positive, long-term development in kids. It contains excellent actionable tips.
Will be visiting it again.
Practical, informative, and enlightening.
What my wife and I learned from this book is bringing more harmony to our home. It’s written for parents of 3-13 year olds. Be warned, it's not a book on quick fixes. This volume is about fostering positive, long-term development in kids. It contains excellent actionable tips.
Will be visiting it again.
May 30, 2017
Very old school discipline. As the author says, "you Grandma could have written this book". If you're not comfortable saying "because I said so" when asked why 1000 times, you might have a hard time reading this book. Oh, also, there's some Christianity in here which I chose to gloss over.
August 3, 2017
A must-read for parents and grandparents!
Parents have been given the wrong advice too long and our society has suffered. Dr. Rosemond gives common sense advice that isn't complicated on how to raise well-mannered and successful children. I highly recommend it.
Parents have been given the wrong advice too long and our society has suffered. Dr. Rosemond gives common sense advice that isn't complicated on how to raise well-mannered and successful children. I highly recommend it.
January 7, 2018
Old school parenting strategies
Fantastic paradigm shifting book on how to be a better parent, a leader your children can follow, along with practical advice for how to implement strategies for improving behavior.
Fantastic paradigm shifting book on how to be a better parent, a leader your children can follow, along with practical advice for how to implement strategies for improving behavior.
November 10, 2018
Awesome. What I've thought put into words. I probably wouldn't do absolutely everything the way he says, but most of it. I think too many parents, myself included, want an easy way out and aren't willing to train our children.
July 26, 2019
Absolutely loved this book! It’s so hilariously written, common sense that’s long been forgotten, and has given me the encouragement I need moving forward to implement some creative fixes to my child’s behavior problems. If you’re at your wits end I would thoroughly recommend this book!
August 14, 2019
I read this because of a contested child custody/visitation case I had. The opposing party used this book as a guideline for disciplining the child. It is truly horrific and the opposing party made it even worse by ignoring some critical aspects of the punishment related to age.
May 26, 2020
There were some practical solutions presented that worked in one go with my sassy threenager but I deducted a star for the way he described children as "bad" and his patronizing view on co-sleeping. We mostly don't co-sleep but I dont believe it's as troublesome as he makes it out to be.
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