Surprisingly, this book is probably harmless, and actually a hell of a lot of fun. That said, the conceit and hubris that went into this sprawling, "epic" series as a whole, supposedly delivered in a crate of papers as a single manuscript to Hubbard's publisher, is still astronomical, and I never did read beyond the second book. Judging from titles and brief exerpts I've read, they get more and more overblown and ridiculous as they go on, and still essentially seem to describe the same basic conflict scenario.
All right, so the lords of the planet Voltar want to use Earth as a strategic base, and they're worried about the natives, who seem to show every sign of being ready to wipe themselves and their planet out of existence. TO that end, they plan to send an invasion force to get the planet under the imperial thumb.
Our main character is a pathetic government snoop who stamps forms by day and breaks into politicians' offices by night at the behest of his employer, the Apparatus, the Voltarian secret police/intelligence agency. The Apparatus is run by a corrupt, mad overlord type named Lumbar Hist, who has his own plans for the Earth, and employs our lowly wretch of an agent to travel on the initial scout mission to Earth and sabotage it!
Lumbar's scheme has to be heard to be believed. He wants the Earth so he can harvest all its powerful narcotics, and intends to get the lords and ladies of Voltarian society addicted to amphetamines and high-grade heroin so they'll be complete slaves to his will! Isn't it great?
Our snivelling lackey, Sultan Gris, must rub shoulders with the prize and champion of the fleet, Jettero Heller. Heller is perfect! Tall, athletic, unbelievably handsome, good at about a million things! It's sickening! Heller has been to Earth before, and he's pretty close to human in appearance and physiognomy. If this were an Orson Scott Carde novel, Heller would be the hero. But because Hubbard wants to be a clever satirist, the entire narrative of Mission Earth operates under the principle that no, Heller's a disgusting do-gooder, and sultan Gris is the hero! Unfortunately, Heller seems to worm his way out of a good many of the traps Gris sets for him, at first apparently by accident. The whole premise of this first novel of the series is that Hist and Gris don't want the scout mission to launch, but Heller always seems to be a little ahead of them. ALong the way, we get to meet a host of bizarre characters, like the whip-wielding dominatrix electroshock expert and trainer of giant leopards, the Countess Crack, who goes all doe-eyed for Heller (of course!) and has more than a few tricks up her sleeve to counter Gris's machinations; the vile Dr. Krobe, who conducts terrible experiments on abandoned prisoners deep in the bowels of the Apparatus prison; the nymphomaniac many-times-Widow Tael, and, of course, the spider at the centre of Voltar's corruption, Lumbar Hist himself, who beats his underlings with an electric stinger, probably gets high off his own supply, and hears the mountain winds calling his name like a knell of destiny!
I like Gris's outraged, whiny narrative. He's a real slimeball coward of the highest order but you can't help but kind of like him and almost want him to succeed, even though Heller really is a nice guy who seems to want the best for everybody, even the bloody Earthlings! Gris hates Heller so much by the end that it's all he can do to prevent himself from spitting and foaming and smoking whenever his mere name is mentioned, but the awful trick is that he's got to continue being nice to him and pretending to help him along until they get to Earth. Some of the episodes that take place as Gris gets himself further and further into the proverbial shithouse are genuinely funny reading.
There are loads of clichés on display, oh yes, but Hubbard seems at this point at least to be aware of them and is having a lark a good deal of the time. There's a trademark Hubbard anti-psychology rant, but amusingly its disguised as Gris thinking that he now understands the mind because he's read a bunch of Earth textbooks, and trying to employ these techniques on Heller gets him exactly what he wants, but not for the reason he thinks (hint: It's because he's being annoying and childish!). Somewhere in there there's an anti-drug message, but I lost track of it pretty early on, probably when I was laughing because Gris took a bunch of amphetamines during the pre-launch party and spent the whole time speaking gibberish to everyone. I think the next book isn't as fun because it takes place on Earth and seemed to get pretty repetitive and occasionally even preachy. maybe that's why I never went any further with this mission. still, I think this novel is a rolicking good time, and who knows, I might try and check in on the later exploits of Gris and Heller one of these days.