Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal

by Barbara Steffens, Marsha Means

Sexual addictions and compulsive sexual behavior are growing societal problems, with as many as three to six percent of the world population affected. Your Sexually Addicted Partner shatters the stigma and shame that millions of men and women carry when their partners are sexually addicted. They receive little empathy for their pain, which means they suffer alone, often shocked and isolated by the trauma. Barbara Steffens' groundbreaking new research shows that partners are not codependents but post-traumatic stress victims, while Marsha Means' personal experience provides insights, strategies, and critical steps to recognize, deal with, and heal partners of sexually addicted relationships. Firsthand accounts and stories reveal the impact of this addiction on survivors' lives. Chapters end with “On a Personal Note” questions and propose new paths that lead from trauma to empowerment, health, and hope. Useful appendices list health and mental health care providers and clergy.

Genres: Self Help, Counselling, Psychology, Health, Nonfiction

224 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2009

Reviews

[Lori · Rating 5 out of 5]

Since dealing with my husband's sexual addiction and all of the trauma and pain associated with it, I have ready many books on the subject matter and this one was by far the most helpful and the one I could relate most to.

[Healing · Rating 5 out of 5]

It is very refreshing to find a book that does not label me as codependent. I'm sure many partners of addicts are but I am not and consequently "those other books" weren't as helpful to me as this one. Whether or not you are a codie, you will find relief and understanding in this book. Relief to know that you are not responsible for your partner's sex addiction, and a better understanding of their addiction. More importantly, you will get ideas to help yourself heal.

[Judy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a very hard book to read as this hits close to my heart. My spirit while reading this was so down and heart broken. All these years I've felt things were my fault and couldn't understand why it was happening. This book opened my eyes to how we are not responsible for Our spouses intentional actions. We also cannot force them to change or give up their ways... they have to want it themselves. You cannot change a sexual addict. My heart is heavy as I finish up this book. I am grateful for the other families that reached out to share their stories. I am not alone in this world. Thank you for sharing.

[Wintermote · Rating 5 out of 5]

Although this was an older text (11 years), it in no way felt dated. It also had an excellent faith perspective while not making that explicit or the focus of the entire text. Overall extremely helpful and easy to connect with.

[Anna · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good book- particularly could relate to the last quarter of the book. It’s focused on the spouse of an addict - how you are impacted, how to heal, etc. Worth reading again.

[Khan Ashraf Alif · Rating 5 out of 5]

This Book is vital.

[Brian · Rating 2 out of 5]

Barbara Steffens gives balance to a field that often knows more about the addict than everyone else affected... the stories presented were unnerving and chilling how relatable they were to my situation. However, while I agree that victims have trauma and lack empathy for the pain they feel, I find it extremely difficult to believe that the partners are not codependents and would love to see more research or theories about this. I tend to agree with Pia Mellody's dichotomy that Love Addicts attract Avoidance Addicts, said differently, codependents attract codependents.

[Vivian Allen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful

Felt like this was written just for me. I have cried, studied, reread and cried again. Wish I had found this book a long time ago. I don’t feel so not normal

[Janet · Rating 4 out of 5]

p.4 Although trauma and post-traumatic stress have been recognized as common occurrences in the human experience for over a century, the acknowledgment of relational trauma evolved later as researchers began to note the extreme emotional pain and psychological damage we experience when betrayed or victimized.

p.6 symptoms can include the following, among others: hyperarousal, helplessness, sleeplessness, immobility, health problems, depression, chronic fatigue, avoidance, endocrine system problems, oversensitivity, dissociation, hypervigilance,

p.10-11 PTSD Symptoms: 1) Increased feelings of anxiety that result in behaviors like scanning the environment looking for any signs of potential danger or threat, paranoia, overwhelming terror, insomnia, inability to concentrate, agoraphobia, or startling easily; 2) The person's distress grows so intense it impacts them in multiple areas of his or her life, such as the ability to work, take care of day-to-day responsibilities or participate in relationships.

p.83 Trauma clinician and researcher Bessel van der Kolk, M.D., tells us, "The critical difference between a stressful but normal event and trauma is a feeling of helplessness to change the outcome...As long as people can imagine having some control over what is happening to them, they usually can keep their wits about them."

[Apryl Anderson · Rating 3 out of 5]

I fully appreciate the coping and healing discussions--these are 5-star for me. And I understand that the real-life examples give validation to a few of the horrible, unbelievable, "impossible" situations in which we find ourselves surrounded, but at the same time, I felt a strong sense of tabloid sensationalism. Also, not knowing the depths of my husband's escapades, I found myself speculating on the worst possible scenarios. That was unfair of me. Okay, so they're too self-involved to care what they're doing to us, but please let's not create even deeper wounds than we've already got!

Admittedly, I've got a long way to go on making coping and healing a reality. I can't overlook that 'validation' for me included a whole new understanding of post-(and present)-traumatic stress. I'm so impatient to finally crawl outside of my cave!

[Linda J. J. · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this new publication. Very validating about the trauma spouses experience when they discover their partner is involved with any kind of sexual addiction. While the authors see the benefits of twelve step programs for partners of sex addicts, they also point out some of the shortcomings in labling spouses as "co-addicts", which may or may not apply.

[Edward Owen · Rating 5 out of 5]

A Great Book on the Topic

One of the best, if not the best book I've read on the subject. Finally, a voice for the partners of those suffering from sexual addiction that drops the labels of "co-dependent" and "co-addict". The trauma is real and until it is addressed, true healing is almost impossible. Thank you for the time and effort put into this book.

[Kristin B. · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the few books on spouses coping with their partners sexual addiction that presents more than codependency. It presents the trauma perspective which opens up more doors, context and validation than the spouse being as "sick" as their partner.

[Dawn Anderson · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read

A wealth of information on sexual addiction and the trauma a spouse subsequently suffers. A great read for the addict as well to gain knowledge of their spouse's perspective.

[Annie Wieler · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.75

[Tiffany · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent resource to add to my mental health library!! Very beneficial perspective for partner's married to or divorced/separated from their sexually addicted spouse.