Calling It Quits: Late-Life Divorce and Starting Over

by Deirdre Bair

This is the first book to reveal the truth about the exploding phenomenon of late-life divorce, which has resulted in a seismic shift in modern relationships. Now, in a finger-on-the-pulse examination of this growing trend, Deirdre Bair, New York Times bestselling author and winner of the National Book Award, explores the many reasons why older, long-married couples break up. Having conducted nearly four hundred interviews with ex-wives, ex-husbands, and their adult children, Bair reveals some of the surprising motivations that lead to these drastic late-life splits, as well as the surprising turns life takes for all concerned after the divorce is final.

Although the standard assumption is that husbands trade in their spouses for younger trophy wives, Bair has found that, most often, women initiate these divorces because they want the freedom to control how they will live the rest of their lives. The realization may appear to happen suddenly, but Bair shows how it often takes many years and much careful planning before the ultimate “Eureka!” moment. We see that for one woman it happened when she asked her husband to help in the kitchen and he shouted angrily for her to keep her voice down so he could hear the television. For one couple, the decision to end their marriage arrived when the wife condemned their unmarried adult daughter for having a baby and her husband sided with the daughter, leading both partners to realize that they had never had anything in common. One woman in her eighties, married for fifty-three years, woke up after transplant surgery and announced to her husband: “I don’t know how many years I have left, but I do know I don’t want to spend them with you.”

Bair describes current trends in late-life divorece, including the growing use of “mediators,” whom many couples see as lower-cost alternatives to lawyers. She also provides fascinating examples of how people cope in the years after divorce. Divorce changes older peoples’ sex lives in surprising ways, and Bair is candid in discussing what really goes on in their bedrooms. She presents the stories of those who elect to stay single after divorce, of others who remarry immediately, and of those who are puzzled to find themselves divorcing yet again. As Bair’s subjects rebuild their lives, the reader wills see new possibilities for living in “the third age,” and may be inspired to realize that there is indeed life after divorce–and plenty of it.

Important, eye-opening, and truly groundbreaking, Calling It Quits is essential reading for an entire generation and its children,–and an acclaimed author’s most personal and most universal work.

352 pages, Hardcover

First published January 23, 2007

About the author

Deirdre Bair received the National Book Award for Samuel Beckett: A Biography. Her biographies of Simone de Beauvoir and Carl Jung were finalists for the Los Angeles Times Book Prize, and the Simone de Beauvoir biography was chosen by The New York Times as a Best Book of the Year. Her biographies of Anaïs Nin and Saul Steinberg were both New York Times Notable Books.

Reviews

[Debbie Petersen Wolven · Rating 3 out of 5]

There is a lot of great information in this book, though the delivery tends to become dry and there is a bit of repetition in the stories. As a happily divorced person myself whose only regret is not doing it sooner, it was refreshing to read that this is not an anomaly but in fact a trend. With better health, longer life spans and the ability of women to support themselves financially, the days of staying in a horrible marriage for financial or social reasons are over. I am amazed at the bravery of many of these women and their resilience in taking care of themselves. Most of the men (usually the older ones) simply found another woman to cook and do their laundry, but some found new lives for themselves as well, and grabbed the chance to finally find out who they really were. Definitely recommended for those contemplating divorce. Interestingly, statistics show that most people who divorce describe themselves as "happy" within 6 months to 2 years. It probably took me closer to 2 years myself, but it came as a happy surprise that the predictions of my life being destroyed were unfounded, and in fact I found palpable relief at no longer walking on eggshells and being able to finally live my life according to my own terms.

[Sandy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is absolutely the most revealing look at real-life women and their reasons for divorcing late in life. The author does not give company-line couples therapist remedies. In fact she's not a therapist and therefore has no personal investment in "saving" marriages. She provides a fascinating look into how these women think and feel about their marriages. I especially enjoyed the story from an 85 year old who had an awakening after heart by-pass surgery. When she woke from the anesthesia and looked up at her husband of almost 60 years, she said simply, "I don't know how much time I have left, but I know for sure that I'm not going to spend it with you."

[David Wasser · Rating 3 out of 5]

A somewhat interesting book about the relatively recent sociological phenomenon of late-life divorce. The book is a bit tedious in parts, and repetitive, but it does provide a window into why so many couples break apart after 25+ years together.

[MaryLisa Gavenas · Rating 3 out of 5]

Guaranteed to make you glad you're not married.

I'm a huge fan of Bair's other books. And while this one was ideal for subway readings because it's structured like a series of newspaper stories, that structure wasn't satisfying in longer, uninterrupted readings.

[Lynne · Rating 3 out of 5]

Quite a good journalistic review of late-in-life divorces and what it means to those who pursue them.

[Walter Dickinson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Knowledgeable book

Author does a good job of explaining many of the issues of a late life divorce. Really interesting information. Enjoyed the many stories.

[Cody · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is just feminist divorce porn. In almost all of the stories she takes great effort to explain how the women were justifiably unhappy in the marriage and the men were at fault. When she tells the stories of the husbands getting more money than the wives in the divorces she uses terms like antiquated laws. When the wives walk away with a cash pay day and alimony for life she goes into great detail why it was proper to do so. When talking about domestic violence the author explains how the wives are victims. But when giving the stories of the husbands who were physically abused she asks the men if they were also guilty and part of the problem. Shaming female victims of domestic violence rightfully became taboo long ago. But this author thinks it's ok to victim blame the men, something she never did to the females.

[Cindy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a well written book that gave me some guidance and things to consider as I walk this path. Though painful, there is hope. Change is never easy but sometimes necessary. There are definitely some stories you can relate to, though each person's experience is unique. I am glad I read this book at this time.

[Cynthia · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author analyzes over 400 interviews with people who divorced after age 50.