Miss Manners' Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding

by Jacobina Martin, Judith Martin

Bride and mother-of-the-bride rebel against today’s monster weddings and explain how weddings can be charming, affordable―and excruciatingly correct. Today’s brides are bombarded with wedding advice that promises perfection but urges achieving it through selfishness (“It’s your wedding, and you can do whatever you like”), greed (choosing the presents that guests are directed to buy), and showing off (“This is your chance to show everyone what you’re about”). Couples wishing to resist such pressure see elopement or a slapdash wedding as the only alternatives to a gaudy blowout. But none of these choices appealed to a bride who happened to have been brought up by Miss Manners. Judith Martin and her newlywed daughter, Jacobina, explain how to have a dignified ceremony and delightful celebration without succumbing to the now-prevalent pattern of the vulgar, money-draining wedding that exhausts families and exploits friends. 6 illustrations

Genres: Nonfiction, Humor, Reference, How To

320 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2010

Reviews

[Lorin Kleinman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Many people seem to view Judith Martin, aka Miss Manners, as a snobbish, overly fork-preoccupied type intent on making people follow unnecessary and picky rules. This is utterly wrong. Judith Martin has made it abundantly clear throughout her etiquette career that she finds forks uninteresting (if there are several next to your plate, start with the outside one), and believes that the point of etiquette is to “make people happy, or at least to prevent them from shoving each other.” She is also—as is particularly evident to anyone who has seen her speak—very funny.

Miss Manners' Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding is an updated version of an earlier book on weddings, with her recently-married daughter Jacobina Martin added as co-author. It’s an invaluable guide to what is truly important at a wedding, what is not important, and what is actually rude. Hair-raising stories abound from all sides: hosts who ignore their guests, ask them to pay for their own food (or simply to deposit money into the couple’s bank account), and who treat the wedding as a kind of show business production; clerics who joke throughout the ceremony; guests who refuse to reply to invitations, demand to be allowed to bring friends, or accept the invitation and then fail to show up.

In a world of rapidly declining manners and rapidly increasing friction, Judith Martin draws a roadmap for people who want to live together without offense, and sets a standard for a society in which people are genuinely civil to each other.

[Leigh · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm pretty sure this book just saved me 1.5 years worth of sanity, and just maybe the lives of myself and my immediate family. Miss Manners breaks down all the bullshit that currently surrounds today's egregious Wedding Industrial Complex, tells you exactly who needs to do what for your wedding and when, and what excess strum und drang you can leave behind, saving yourself and your loved ones more time, money, and sanity than you thought possible for a wedding these days.

I'll let you know if any of it actually works, but I'm planning on passing it along to my Mother next as a not so delicate hint to back up off the craziness and keep things simple, sweet, elegant, and easy so we can get this single day over with and get on with much more important things, like the rest of our lives, maybe?

It's also a fairly hilarious read --I'd never been a big reader of Miss M before, but her wit here at some people's appalling vulgarity and sheer lack of taste and rudeness is an amazing smackdown to behold. Once my bridal party gets done with their mandatory readings, I'm passing it along to all my fellow brides-to-be who are sick of the bullshit and just want to have a happy day for everyone they love, without going broke, without a huge production, and without losing their damn minds.

[Katherine · Rating 3 out of 5]

That I enjoyed such a fundamentally repetitive book so much is a testament to Judith Martin's skills as a writer, and the thundering force of the moral authority she's bestowed upon herself—an authority that turns out to be catnip to the kinds of people who consult etiquette books, people who want there to be a right way to do things, and wish to know that way.

• Did you know that RSVP cards are bringing down Western civilization? (Well, kicking it when it's down?) Apparently, they are an insult to your guests, who ought to know, because they are civilized people, that the way to respond to an invitation is swiftly, with a hand-written note in the style of the original invitation.

• Did you know that if you must do such a vulgar thing as register at a store for desired wedding gifts, you may not tell your guests that you have done so unless they specifically ask you whether and where you're registered?

• Did you know that morning and early-afternoon weddings are more sophisticated and formal than evening ones?

Those are the biggest nuggets, but Miss Manners's main theme is that many weddings have become disgusting spectacles of financial outlay and personal vanity. She takes particular aim at the various ways that couples grub for gifts, and at the ways in which weddings have become highly personalized celebrations of an entire relationship. She beats the drum for tradition, and for the idea that you can do things 'properly' and still on a budget.

While the book (which, incidentally, is almost completely in the form of letters to Miss Manners that she has answered, presumably in her newspaper column before, collected thematically) is totally finger-waggy, it's fun in that way, as any comedy of manners is: you get to laugh with the author at the crude behavior of others, while knowing that you would (now) never commit such gaffes.

Like including RSVP cards in your invitations! Near the end of reading this book, I decided that an emergency call to the stationers might be in order, amending an order in progress to reflect my newly improved taste. In search of perspective and approbation, I called my mom. "No RSVP cards?" she scoffed. "But that's ridiculous. They're so convenient!"

I will be incorporating some of Miss Manners's lessons into the big day, but in this case, it's Mom 1, Miss Manners 0.

[ALLEN · Rating 5 out of 5]

This 2010 book is an updating and revision of an earlier 1995 book on weddings, and emerges as one of Miss Manners' best. Together with her daughter Jacobina Martin, Judith Martin has steered us through the shoals of bad behavior into the 21st Century, tackling such topics as no-show guests, mercenary bridal parties and their grabby gift registries, and the challenges of excessive e-mail. Anyone planning a wedding would benefit from this volume, as would all those who appreciate the authors' legendary wit.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Among other things, I now know how to politely discourage my guests from bringing their pet monkeys to my wedding ceremony.

[rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

literally just read miss manners and don’t be tacky it’s not that hard.

[Elizabeth · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am currently planning my own wedding. It is so easy to become wrapped up to the point that you need a little dose of reality as to what is proper and what is actually important. Miss Manners did exactly this with her usual brand of dry sardonic whit that I have always loved about her. She one made me feel better about some of the choices I have made, as they are not necessarily in line with today's modern wedding. One has to move past the word etiquette and realize while Miss Manners is concerned with what is proper, most of the time that is the same thing as what common sense tells you to do. There are a few things Miss Manners I and I disagree on, such as the use of response cards (I know they are not proper, but honestly I think in this day and age that is the only way one is going to get an Rsvp) but for the most part she is right on target. Treat ALL people with respect, don't ask for money from your guests, and remember that while it is your wedding day, you are hosting a gaggle of friends and family to celebrate. Make sure you are treating them likes guest not spectators to some bizarre show case staring you, with only the Bride's wants and needs taken in consideration. If you are a Bride planning your wedding, have planned a wedding, are going to plan a wedding read this book. It is humorous (if you into dry whit as I am)and will give you a good does of reality to pull you back down to earth where everyone matters not just the lady in white having a meltdown in the corner.

[Jess · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wasn't familiar with Miss Manners before I picked this up, but I'm a convert. She's sharp and witty and sensible, giving frank advice that isn't about how things are done but about how they should be done. Refreshing antidote to things like bridal magazines. Also, surprisingly hard to put down and delightful to quote.

[Karyn · Rating 3 out of 5]

Like all of Judith Martin's "Miss Manners" work, this is snarky but smart and has renewed my interest in morning wedding ceremonies followed by a small cake-and-champagne reception.

[Casey · Rating 4 out of 5]

"The theme of your wedding is marriage." Right on, Miss M. Funny and thought-provoking. I think my mom needs to read this to prevent Momzilla from appearing.

[Dani · Rating 4 out of 5]

Super helpful!

[Lucy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Surprisingly useful, hilarious

[Noël · Rating 4 out of 5]

HILARIOUS. And of course, extremely informative!! I need to read more of Miss Manners.

[Katie]

Interesting insight. Helpful in a few areas in showing what I do and do not want.

[Elizabeth · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very practical advice mixed with lots of sly humor.

[Elspeth · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great book for a bride to be to read. Really informative with lots of good advice on how to plan a respectful and dignified wedding. I also liked the way it was written.

[Sally Louise]

A mandatory read from my MOH, thoroughly enjoyed even if some of the advice did seem a bit outdated. Like Reddit stories but for weddings!

[Kelsey Dangelo-Worth · Rating 5 out of 5]

I absolutely adore and love Miss Manners, her wily, wry and dry wit, her obsession with proper grammar, and her promoting manners and etiquette in a world that is increasingly thinking it has no need for it. But Miss Manners cuts right through the crap and the snobbery and just goes for the golden rule and selflessness, and how to not be selfish or cause problems, emotional or otherwise. Sometimes, I don’t agree with all of her rules and advice (some of her advice seems to cause more problems than they are worth), but her advice is sound, will help many brides and grooms from getting caught up in silliness, rudeness, or selfishness, and make many a wedding beautiful and fun. A great, fun, hilarious, and sanity-inducing read to take a break from wedding planning and get my head on straight. Grade: A

[Victoria · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book right at the beginning of wedding planning - and I’m so glad I did.

It was very funny and entertaining but more important it helped me focus in on what aspects of my wedding really matter.

[Susan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Miss Manners is not for the faint of heart. I say this because with her whiplash sharp wit and her intolerance for suffering fools she is always full-out with little time for debate on other viewpoints and even less for sympathy for the uninformed. In her world, it's shape up or ship out, and when it comes to weddings and the mere mortals who try to organize them, there is a lot of shaping up to do so you must expect some tongue-lashing going in. This being said, I think the reason that makes her so readable and refreshing even aside from the fact that she surprisingly hilarious is the fact that our world could really use a little more grace and courtesy these days, and maybe we need a little tough love to get us back on track. As a bride-to-be myself I found this book really helpful for bringing me back to my senses in some cases, and a little bit chastened.

There is a lot in here that will shock the average person now that we have become so (unfortunately) accustomed to the hyperbolic ramping up of the "big day" and everything surrounding it. She takes a hard line on RSVP cards and on having registries at all, which come off as a bit uncompromising and out of touch it's true although the reasoning behind it comes from a good place, but on other matters she may be delivering much needed reminders and none too soon given the amount of excess, greed, and nastiness that seem to be out there. Billing guests? Late or nonexistent thank yous? Treating and taking advantage of the best friends and family in your bridal party in a way that most people would never treat people that were even paid to work for them? Carrying off your event at the crippling expense of your parents (and often, at the additional expense of your parents' wishes as well) because it's "your" day? Maybe Miss Manners is exactly what is needed.

The only complaint I have is that for all the bad behavior out there there is another style of bridal bad behavior that is all too common now which is not touched on at all here--the "you're doing it wrong" style of tearing down a bride's decisions down while you trumpet your own. Anyone who has ever visited a forum on The Knot has likely run into these bride trolls haunting the boards and it's always disappointing to see because you would think everyone would be on the same side having gone through, or being about to go through the same thing. And though it's her job, it's too bad that she (and her daughter, cowriting) chose to spend most of the book criticizing the couple (though mostly the bride) while not recognizing the strain the couple is going through or offering much in the way support/guidance for them on how to deal with bad behavior from guests. Often times, the impetus for some of these big weddings doesn't actually have to do with the couple's wants or needs, but the pressure they feel to make everyone happy, include everyone, etc. and for those couples there's not much relief or help here. Miss Manners herself may emphasize this "it's not YOUR day" idea over and over but rarely, if ever--seems to take into account the implications (and impossibility) of trying to please everyone. The last letter of the book is really the only nod to this. Rather than write everything off altogether or get discouraged though, I would just recommend applying the principles with a grain of salt.

[Chazza Everafter · Rating 4 out of 5]

While I enjoyed this book for the most part and found it generally helpful to know what is expected and accepted behaviors surrounding the circus weddings can sometimes become, I did not agree with everything Miss Manners says. The majority of the book is written in the letter format, some showcasing truly awful behaviors on the part of the family and/or the bride/groom themselves. I found some of it very funny, others common sense (which isn't that common, clearly), and other parts I disagreed with outright.

For example, which I understand it's good manners for guests to respond in the manner in which they were invited (thus, an invitation received in writing should be answered in writing, so on and so on -- at the expense of the guest, not that of the host), there is the dilemma that so many people do not know or understand that it is their responsibility to respond to the invite, particularly if the response method is not already included in the invite. Is it absurd and ridiculous to hand-hold people through the process? Yes, absolutely. But on the other side, if people don't respond because you didn't go through the added aggravation of including the response card and stamping and addressing it, who's left running about in a panic trying to wrangle the invitees to answer? The host! So, in this regard, I feel it necessary to capitulate and include the response cards in the invites. Obviously, this doesn't even guarantee everyone will respond since in my experience, there will still be a good number of people who simply don't respond at all. I blame facebook for some of this as people can "invite" whoever to whatever event, but people don't have to reply at all to indicate that they're not coming--but might still show up anyway.

The other thing that got me ruffled was that occasionally I felt as if Miss Manners did not allow enough room for cultural and religious practices that differ from what she deems proper. For example, the money dance was one thing I wrestled with. In my experience, it's extremely common in my culture and so I associate the money dance as a cultural celebratory moment during the reception. To the average American, perhaps this practice is considered gauche, bourgeois, or even on the same level as begging for money from guests. That's not the connotation the practice has for me or my culture. Though my fiance and I are opting not to have a money dance, it is one aspect I feel a little sad about not including -- not because I'm greedy and upset that people aren't going to be giving me money -- but because it's one portion to have one-on-one time, how short that may be, with a good number of the guests and because it's part of my culture--as such, I wanted to have it be part of the festivities. No major loss, but it would have been nice. (And we're not opting out because Miss Manners said it was a terrible idea, but because a majority of our guests do not share my culture and we thought it best to forego it.)

Aside from these complaints, I thoroughly enjoyed the book and agreed mostly with everything else--including the fact that "it's my day" mentality is not the best way to think of weddings.

[Heather · Rating 3 out of 5]

Miss Manners' crisp, sarcastic wit makes her advice delightful reading. Her unbending stance on propriety endears her to my traditionalist heart. Yet, I often found her opinions about which traditions are essential to good etiquette and which innovations are acceptable accommodations, well--somewhat contradictory.

For instance: By the time I finished the book I felt rather ashamed of my own appreciation for gift registries, which I find a helpful way of delighting in giving unique gifts I would not have discovered on my own or of giving traditional gifts in the particular hue and design that I know will be "just right." I have never once felt that this was a crude way of couples begging for gifts, and if none of the items on the the registry suited my tastes or budget, I would simply choose some other gift.

Likewise, Miss Manners holds nothing but contempt for those who decide against a traditional receiving line because they might thereby miss greeting some of their guests. However, if etiquette is predicated on thinking of others and their benefit, please--oh, please--can we not dispense with the receiving line for the sake of those whom it purports to be serving?! The bride and groom should, by all means, make themselves promptly, visibly, and immediately available to their guests in an effort to greet them all personally at the reception, but you will not convince me that making people wait in a long line in order to offer platitudes to a dozen people they couldn't care less about before being given all of two seconds to speak to the happy couple is actually a good idea.

Also, R.S.V.P. cards are apparently SO gauche. And the idea of allowing single guests to bring a date of their choice.

Yet, there are also all kinds of concessions for second, third, or more marriages and same-sex arrangements, bridal parents who have undergone sex-reassignment procedures, and the like. I realize these are situations increasingly likely to surface nowadays, but in such case Miss Manners tends to offer or condone thoroughly "modern" solutions while still steadfastly insisting that modern guests will (or ought to be) offended by reply cards that assume they would not otherwise respond to the invitation.

There were, of course, plenty of examples of rude, selfish, lazy, greedy behavior which elicited from me the same level of shock and contempt as from Miss Manners herself, but much as I wanted to believe that I am the model of proper, old-fashioned etiquette, I must admit I have a splash too much practicality to claim that title. I would rather think of what seems most kind and convenient for my guests and act accordingly rather than worry about the presumed rudeness of something they would universally find helpful. But perhaps I need not worry in any case. I will not be inviting Miss Manners to my wedding.

[Jenny · Rating 3 out of 5]

I kept this on the coffee table for a couple months, reading a few pages at a time and skimming sections that were less applicable/interesting. Miss Manners has a slightly different take on some things than Emily Post (at least, the modernized/updated Emily Post); for example, EP accepts registries and instructs on how best to manage them, whereas MM resists them entirely. However, MM's advice is often more humorous, in a dry, witty way. Another area in which they differ is the response card: again, EP has succumbed and includes it as a normal part of the invitation, whereas MM says, "Guests ought to be insulted by response cards. Decent people already know (yes? yes?) that they must always reply to all invitations..." (p. 185)

Overall, I give this an enthusiastic three (3.5?) stars, and recommend it to anyone in the early stages of planning a wedding.

Quotes/excerpts:

#4 and 5 on the list of "Things a Bride Need Not Trouble Her Pretty Head About": 4. Do not worry about whether you like your relatives. You have to invite them anyway. 5. Do not worry about how many guests you can invite and still afford your dream menu. The proper formula is to count up the relatives and friends first, and then figure out what you can afford to serve to that number of people. (p. 11-12)

Second most outrageous story: Included with a couple's invitation was a SASE to the couple's bank with a bank deposit slip so guests could send checks directly to their account. (p. 236)

Most outrageous story: "I know columnists receive gag letters, but believe me, this is not one! The parents of one of our daughter's bridesmaids have a monkey which they are training to help care for a paraplegic. They take the animal with them when they go out. They have threatened not to attend the wedding because we did not include the monkey on their invitation." (p. 155)

[Kate · Rating 5 out of 5]

When I was working in the wedding industry, this was the title I suggested to brides who asked what my favorite wedding-planning book was. Martin won't pull any punches, but her etiquette advice is spot-on and will keep those planning a wedding from embarrassing themselves in front of friends and family. There isn't a rude idea that she'll validate, as evidenced by the questions she shoots down with her acid tongue - can I invite people to the reception but not the ceremony? Can I ask my guests to pay a fee to dance with me? How do I ask my guests to forget about getting me a present because I just want money, dammit?

I do disagree with Martin on two points - gift registries (and I do mean GIFT registries, not honeymoon/down payment/cash registries) aren't rude and don't rob guests of the option of buying something that is not on the registry; and in today's age, RSVP cards are absolutely essential if you expect an accurate head count. Otherwise, there is nothing in this book that brides don't need to hear.

[Zen Cho · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was really fun to read, though it's basically just an anthology of her columns. I hadn't realised that Miss Manners was so FUNNY. The wedding industry she reacts to isn't one I'm familiar with -- weddings can get pretty outrageous in the UK and Malaysia, but I think the American industry is on another scale altogether -- but that makes it all the more interesting to read about. I agree with her on a lot of things and disagree on a lot, but I generally respect the reasons she gives for her position where we disagree.

She hates strapless dresses for brides, though, which seems like kind of a random item of hatred! I personally love sleeved wedding dresses but I don't see why people can't wear strapless if they want to. It's not an offence against etiquette, I think; it's just Miss Manners being cranky. But if you can't be cranky as Miss Manners, when can you be??

[Marianne · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is specifically about weddings and covers some new ground in addition to what is already printed in Miss Manners' other books. If the only thing you want to know about is wedding etiquette and not general living etiquette, this book is a good one. It's more up-to-date than Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette in my humble opinion although Emily Post adds a bit more detail about traditional duties. It also doesn't dumb down traditional etiquette for those too busy to be polite but rather firmly holds the standard where it ought to be. I'd definitely read this book rather than rely on what's called etiquette in wedding magazines or on the internet.

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a book that every wedding guest should read, as well as all those involved with a wedding - as soon as possible. It's very engaging, so it's an easy read. But I was pleasantly surprised that Miss Manners directly opposes several "traditions" that many brides and parents believe in. The most surprising of these was her assertion that telling a bridal party what to wear is rude, which was very refreshing to me, as I still have trouble with the concept of requiring people you love to buy something they don't want.
But there are several more surprises, and while I don't always agree with her sassy forthrightness, it's entertaining and definitely thought-provoking.

[Molly · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was surprisingly good and surprisingly revealing. It not only has outrageous letters to Miss Manners that make you wonder who these people are and what they think marriage is, but it also has her insight into a lot of common (mis)perceptions about marriage. The main point is that you don't need to go into debt to have a good wedding- and you don't have to do things just because people will expect it. Don't let the wedding concept overshadow the concept of a marriage and future together.

[Hannah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Another glorious tome from Miss Manners. She (and her co-authoring daughter!) does an excellent job of deconstructing the fuss around the contemporary wedding industry, cutting to the heart of what a wedding is supposed to represent and why those involved should act in certain ways. I so, so appreciated her insistence on the fact that a proper wedding does not have to be lavish - particularly the chart of useless, over-priced wedding paraphernalia she includes. As someone who will likely be attending more and more weddings in the coming years, I'm happy to have this one in my back pocket.

[Jen · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was an easy read as I started it this morning and finished this evening. Miss Manners' cheeky responses are interesting and amuzing at times, but some of the info in here is also very prententious sounding. That said, I did learn a few new things (not to say I'll apply all of them, but we'll see), and she did have some useful responses for how to handle rude inquiries from people about wedding planning, guest list, etc.