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Whip Smart: A Memoir
A dark, wild, powerful memoir about a young woman’s transformation from college student to professional dominatrix
While a college student at The New School, Melissa Febos spent four years working as a dominatrix in a midtown dungeon. In poetic, nuanced prose she charts how unchecked risk-taking eventually gave way to a course of self-destruction. But as she recounts crossing over the very boundaries that she set for her own safety, she never plays the victim. In fact, the glory of this memoir is Melissa’s ability to illuminate the strange and powerful truths that she learned as she found her way out of a hell of her own making. Rest assured; the reader will emerge from the journey more or less unscathed.
While a college student at The New School, Melissa Febos spent four years working as a dominatrix in a midtown dungeon. In poetic, nuanced prose she charts how unchecked risk-taking eventually gave way to a course of self-destruction. But as she recounts crossing over the very boundaries that she set for her own safety, she never plays the victim. In fact, the glory of this memoir is Melissa’s ability to illuminate the strange and powerful truths that she learned as she found her way out of a hell of her own making. Rest assured; the reader will emerge from the journey more or less unscathed.
278 pages, Hardcover
First published March 1, 2010
258 people are currently reading
6715 people want to read
About the author
Melissa Febos
21 books1,796 followersMelissa Febos is the national bestselling author of five books, including Whip Smart, Abandon Me, Girlhood—which won the National Book Critics Circle Award in Criticism, and Body Work: The Radical Power of Personal Narrative. Her memoir, The Dry Season, is forthcoming on June 3, 2025 from Alfred A. Knopf. Her awards and fellowships include those from the Guggenheim Foundation, LAMBDA Literary, the National Endowment for the Arts, Lower Manhattan Cultural Council, The British Library, The Black Mountain Institute, MacDowell, the Bogliasco Foundation, The Barbara Deming Foundation, Vermont Studio Center, Virginia Center for Creative Arts, The American Library in Paris, and others. Her work has appeared in The Paris Review, The New Yorker, The Sun, The New York Times Magazine, The Best American Essays, Vogue, and New York Review of Books. Febos is a full professor at the University of Iowa and lives in Iowa City with her wife, the poet Donika Kelly.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 516 reviews
May 20, 2010
I was intrigued when I heard the interview on NPR; after reading her book I can say without question she is a much better interviewer than she is writer. Whip Smart is clearly the result of a pretty face, an interesting job, and an absolutely AMAZING publicist.
Given her career choice I’m apprehensive to use the word boring; perhaps she was so mentally removed from her own story, her own apathetic voice was the only thing that resonated with me. I wanted to hear more about her days, and this mysterious double-life she led, more of how she managed to stay in college (all the while getting straight A’s at The New School?!?) yet all I got was her narcissistic voice repetitively going on about how amazing she is, and how despite her job the world still thinks she is a wonderful person. She was so self-indulgent, that even during her most indecisive moments she was still convinced that not making a decision was her best move.
The only appropriate word I would use to describe the content of the book is convenient; it applies to her drug use, many parts of her story and her self described “happy ending” (I thought the boyfriend was downright fake, but as it turns out, they broke up about the same time the book published...). She blatantly left most of the story out or embellished certain parts – from how BOTH of her parents were perfectly alright with her career choice once she came clean, to how she only had to hear about a neighbor who was domming, (and then poof she became one herself - amazing!).
She certainly has a tale to tell – it’s just a shame this wasn’t it. Her writing was stale; some sentences were so abysmal, I felt the need to write them down: "The kind of kissing [that's:] like stepping into a sun-warmed pond at dusk." and "...I felt it already, the way you can feel autumn coming." To find out she actually teaches others how to write, exemplifies she might be able to only successfully teach the chapter on irony.
Given her career choice I’m apprehensive to use the word boring; perhaps she was so mentally removed from her own story, her own apathetic voice was the only thing that resonated with me. I wanted to hear more about her days, and this mysterious double-life she led, more of how she managed to stay in college (all the while getting straight A’s at The New School?!?) yet all I got was her narcissistic voice repetitively going on about how amazing she is, and how despite her job the world still thinks she is a wonderful person. She was so self-indulgent, that even during her most indecisive moments she was still convinced that not making a decision was her best move.
The only appropriate word I would use to describe the content of the book is convenient; it applies to her drug use, many parts of her story and her self described “happy ending” (I thought the boyfriend was downright fake, but as it turns out, they broke up about the same time the book published...). She blatantly left most of the story out or embellished certain parts – from how BOTH of her parents were perfectly alright with her career choice once she came clean, to how she only had to hear about a neighbor who was domming, (and then poof she became one herself - amazing!).
She certainly has a tale to tell – it’s just a shame this wasn’t it. Her writing was stale; some sentences were so abysmal, I felt the need to write them down: "The kind of kissing [that's:] like stepping into a sun-warmed pond at dusk." and "...I felt it already, the way you can feel autumn coming." To find out she actually teaches others how to write, exemplifies she might be able to only successfully teach the chapter on irony.
December 16, 2010
I have to appreciate any woman who tells a story like this without saying, "Look, look what happened to me," but rather "I got seduced by a world that is less glamorous than it seems." OK, so much for literary analysis, but hey, I'm not in the business of that. I'm in the business of reading memoir for pleasure, and while I can't deny the craft of the thing, I did enjoy Febos' story because it felt genuine above all else.
Admittedly, this is a book I thought I might relate to long before I read it because, although my background couldn't be more different than the author's, I can relate to the lure of the sex industry. What I liked most about this book seems the very same thing other reviewers didn't: Febos is smart, and, she tells the read as much. Brava! Education and intelligence have nothing to do with seduction, and this is what spoke to me. Febos tells a story that gets, yes, gritty and there are scenes I'd rather not remember, but her story is a universal one in that she was on a quest for self-realization. She isn't looking to be saved nor is she looking for sympathy, she's merely recounting a journey--and this is what a good memoir does.
Admittedly, this is a book I thought I might relate to long before I read it because, although my background couldn't be more different than the author's, I can relate to the lure of the sex industry. What I liked most about this book seems the very same thing other reviewers didn't: Febos is smart, and, she tells the read as much. Brava! Education and intelligence have nothing to do with seduction, and this is what spoke to me. Febos tells a story that gets, yes, gritty and there are scenes I'd rather not remember, but her story is a universal one in that she was on a quest for self-realization. She isn't looking to be saved nor is she looking for sympathy, she's merely recounting a journey--and this is what a good memoir does.
August 8, 2011
I contemplated one star, but she does have a few insightful moments. What springs to mind first is the vanity on display in the book. Someone holds herself in very high regard. (which, despite what a commenter on another review says, is NOT the same as being proud of one's self) There were moments when I caught myself thinking that if I were to unfortunately find myself trapped in conversation with her, I'd need an icepick for my ear-drums.
What comes to mind next is that it frequently felt like I'd just paid to be someone's therapist. As though she's still working through stuff, even if she's convinced herself otherwise...and not just in regard to the career choices. Amusing, and somewhat sad, given her background/history with psychotherapy. (and for a self described cultural anthropologist, she sure seems to like making broad statements about entire classes of people)
Finally, there seemed to be a whole lot of hypocritical judgement (or just judgements in general) of people on her part. It's obvious that she views sex-workers as being lower than her...a P.O.V. she seems to have for a lot of people, truth be told. Then she goes on about "the normals" while saying elsewhere that she never was really into the lifestyle, just the way it made her feel.
The sad thing is, having heard her interview, she seemed nice enough...but this book reveals a much less appealing side of her.
What comes to mind next is that it frequently felt like I'd just paid to be someone's therapist. As though she's still working through stuff, even if she's convinced herself otherwise...and not just in regard to the career choices. Amusing, and somewhat sad, given her background/history with psychotherapy. (and for a self described cultural anthropologist, she sure seems to like making broad statements about entire classes of people)
Finally, there seemed to be a whole lot of hypocritical judgement (or just judgements in general) of people on her part. It's obvious that she views sex-workers as being lower than her...a P.O.V. she seems to have for a lot of people, truth be told. Then she goes on about "the normals" while saying elsewhere that she never was really into the lifestyle, just the way it made her feel.
The sad thing is, having heard her interview, she seemed nice enough...but this book reveals a much less appealing side of her.
Read
May 9, 2021The depiction of her one Asian colleague was so repugnantly racist that I couldn’t go on
May 22, 2012
I’ve long decided to avoid any book of memoir that only intends to say, “look at how fucked up I am,” or, “look what an asshole I am.” Their misplaced and gratuitous narcissism nauseates me. I thought this book would be different. While I've never been tempted to read Belle de Jour and its likes, the memoir of a professional dominatrix sounded intriguing. I wasn’t interested in why some men pay to subject themselves to pain and humiliation, but was more trying to see what kind a woman does that as a job and why.
I have to admit that I liked Febos’s writing at times, and some of her self-analyzing musings were witty, though ultimately vacuous. The parts about her work and clients and coworkers were mildly entertaining – if sometimes revolting. A lot of irrelevant details and stories are narrated because apparently Febos thinks everything about her is great and should be shared. She eventually realizes that there’s nothing cool and sexy about her job; she’s filled with loathing for herself and her clients; and she quits her job, while subjecting her readers to torture. Old habits die hard, I guess.
Oh, and the hypocrisy of it. She has very high regards for herself, and keeps telling herself and her friends that she’s not a prostitute. Prostitutes come from poor backgrounds or third-world countries, are abused and brutalized, and are to be pitied and condescended because they’re either forced into it or don’t know what’s good for them. But sex work for a hip American girl from a privileged background is liberating and empowering. Having sex with someone for money is vile, but getting paid for urinating and defecating on them is not. In spite of all of her pseudo-intellectual deliberations and her constant reminders that she’s a 4.0 student, Febos is just a money-grabbing whore – admittedly one with better writing skills that a typical street-walker.
I have to admit that I liked Febos’s writing at times, and some of her self-analyzing musings were witty, though ultimately vacuous. The parts about her work and clients and coworkers were mildly entertaining – if sometimes revolting. A lot of irrelevant details and stories are narrated because apparently Febos thinks everything about her is great and should be shared. She eventually realizes that there’s nothing cool and sexy about her job; she’s filled with loathing for herself and her clients; and she quits her job, while subjecting her readers to torture. Old habits die hard, I guess.
Oh, and the hypocrisy of it. She has very high regards for herself, and keeps telling herself and her friends that she’s not a prostitute. Prostitutes come from poor backgrounds or third-world countries, are abused and brutalized, and are to be pitied and condescended because they’re either forced into it or don’t know what’s good for them. But sex work for a hip American girl from a privileged background is liberating and empowering. Having sex with someone for money is vile, but getting paid for urinating and defecating on them is not. In spite of all of her pseudo-intellectual deliberations and her constant reminders that she’s a 4.0 student, Febos is just a money-grabbing whore – admittedly one with better writing skills that a typical street-walker.
August 8, 2010
The writing is decent, but the author's contempt and disgust with her chosen profession ruined the book entirely for me. I picked it up thinking I would be getting an autobiography of a dominatrix who liked her job, or if not her job, at least her clients. Febos instead gave me a claustrophobic trip inside her last few years of drug abuse and a heaping helping of scorn for and judgment about submissives in general, her own personal clients in particular. I get that it's her own story, and true to her life- and I certainly applaud her rigourous honesty for herself. But I didn't like reading it, I felt so sad for her clients.
Also, it's poorly edited, with some glaring mistakes (words and usage) that smote my eyeballs.
Also, it's poorly edited, with some glaring mistakes (words and usage) that smote my eyeballs.
April 5, 2010
In a recent "Studio 360" interview, Mary Karr, responding to a remark about the influence her memoir "The Liar's Club" has had on the publishing world, said that there are a lot of bad memoirs out there that she just wasn't responsible for.
I'm afraid "Whip Smart" might just be another of those memoirs.
Who would think that a memoir about a college student moonlighting as a professional dominatrix could be . . . boring? But, to me, "Whip Smart" was just that. In fact, by comparison to the life presented in this book, my own life began to look vastly more interesting.
Somewhere about a third of the way into the book, Febos turns a familiar memoir corner and "Whip Smart" becomes a story of drug addiction and recovery. Apparently when I wasn't looking, twelve-step programs added a mandatory thirteenth step: Step 13--write a memoir about your recovery.
Heavily steeped in jargon-friendly self-awareness (Febos's mother was a pyschoanalyst), "Whip Smart" ultimately falls under the description Febos tosses out in conversation in the book itself: "It's just so Oprah."
So Febos overcomes addiction and other destructive life choices to go on to write "Whip Smart" and become a professor of college writing, abandoning her life as a dominatrix to posterity and the pages of this book.
Pity: I might have enjoyed knowing her back then.
I'm afraid "Whip Smart" might just be another of those memoirs.
Who would think that a memoir about a college student moonlighting as a professional dominatrix could be . . . boring? But, to me, "Whip Smart" was just that. In fact, by comparison to the life presented in this book, my own life began to look vastly more interesting.
Somewhere about a third of the way into the book, Febos turns a familiar memoir corner and "Whip Smart" becomes a story of drug addiction and recovery. Apparently when I wasn't looking, twelve-step programs added a mandatory thirteenth step: Step 13--write a memoir about your recovery.
Heavily steeped in jargon-friendly self-awareness (Febos's mother was a pyschoanalyst), "Whip Smart" ultimately falls under the description Febos tosses out in conversation in the book itself: "It's just so Oprah."
So Febos overcomes addiction and other destructive life choices to go on to write "Whip Smart" and become a professor of college writing, abandoning her life as a dominatrix to posterity and the pages of this book.
Pity: I might have enjoyed knowing her back then.
October 8, 2010
Finally got around to reading this - I bought a copy when Febos came to the Olympia library. And of course, the insight into the world of the dungeons and deeds of the professional dominatrix is fascinating. But what I was really impressed me was the honest way Febos exposed herself, deconstructed the world, and discussed the complexity of life. I especially identified with her relatively trauma-free childhood, her disdain for innocence, her intelligence. Fascinating, and it made me seriously think about my own life. Read it in two sick days home from work. And one of very few adult books I get to read these days.
September 17, 2010
Funny that I should read two "female domination" books back-to-back, but maybe that's because I purchased them together. The other book -- a novel -- Permanent Obscurity by Richard Perez -- was everything this was not: hilarious and down-and-dirty -- and not meant to be serious "literary" like this one. I liked this book mostly, though I found the writing to be forced and self-consciousness -- like something a fan of Anais Nin would write. There are genuine moments though, and I think this author will write a better one in the future. Some parts of this were hard to get through -- and not because of the kinky stuff ... but because the author takes herself so seriously. This book is not as much fun as it could have been.
February 1, 2024
Sex work has always intrigued me. Merging sex and the body with commerce is tricky and requires a mental and spiritual fortitude that the vast majority of people simply don't have. What I love about Whip Smart is Melissa Febos's candor and her ability to twin the double helix of her reflections on her time as a NYC dominatrix with her journey to sobriety after years of alcohol and drug addiction. The result is a memoir that allows readers to see the allure and artistry of sex work but also its doldrums and psychological demands.
To me Whip Smart is also a tacit indictment of New York City and the toll city life can take on individuals. NYC is a hard place to live and the outsize wealth of the metropolis, contrasting with the legions of low-income people who try to cobble together a living there, primes it for corruptions of various sorts, from financial to sexual. In a city where a tiny one bedroom apartment--if you can find it--costs four thousand dollars a month, a person is bound to get some outre thoughts in their head. Febos tries hard not to judge her clients or their kinks, but after she becomes sober the degredation she inflicts upon her paying clients begins to warp her personal philosophy. Again, this is one of the many consequences of sex work. But I admire the way she and the other mistresses take on their job and view it as necessary to the function of society as hauling trash, cooking in restaurants, teaching, or practicing medicine. Everybody needs to get off, and if some of us need to pay someone to help make their fantasies come true, who are we to judge?
I listened to Whip Smart immediately after I finished reading Febos's latest book, Body Work. I casually picked up that book from a stack of TBR's in my home library one snowy Saturday afternoon and could not put it down. Her controled prose and her thoughts on writing memoir enveloped me and I was left craving more of her words. She has lived quite a life and has much to say. Whip Smart is not a book for everyone, as it includes descriptions of BDSM that some readers may not be able to stomach. Yet it's sexy, smart, elevated, and insightful all at once, and I encourage readers with stronger mettle to give it a read.
To me Whip Smart is also a tacit indictment of New York City and the toll city life can take on individuals. NYC is a hard place to live and the outsize wealth of the metropolis, contrasting with the legions of low-income people who try to cobble together a living there, primes it for corruptions of various sorts, from financial to sexual. In a city where a tiny one bedroom apartment--if you can find it--costs four thousand dollars a month, a person is bound to get some outre thoughts in their head. Febos tries hard not to judge her clients or their kinks, but after she becomes sober the degredation she inflicts upon her paying clients begins to warp her personal philosophy. Again, this is one of the many consequences of sex work. But I admire the way she and the other mistresses take on their job and view it as necessary to the function of society as hauling trash, cooking in restaurants, teaching, or practicing medicine. Everybody needs to get off, and if some of us need to pay someone to help make their fantasies come true, who are we to judge?
I listened to Whip Smart immediately after I finished reading Febos's latest book, Body Work. I casually picked up that book from a stack of TBR's in my home library one snowy Saturday afternoon and could not put it down. Her controled prose and her thoughts on writing memoir enveloped me and I was left craving more of her words. She has lived quite a life and has much to say. Whip Smart is not a book for everyone, as it includes descriptions of BDSM that some readers may not be able to stomach. Yet it's sexy, smart, elevated, and insightful all at once, and I encourage readers with stronger mettle to give it a read.
March 12, 2016
I heard about this memoir on NPR and from the interview, it sounded quirky and a bit more fun-spirited. The actual book was a complete downer. The author's drug addiction didn't interest me and her experiences in "the dungeon" were disgusting (and I'm NOT a prude by any means)and twisted. I guess I didn't realize quite how much sexual contact was involved in being a dominatrix or how much brutal violence and bloodshed. I'd kind of assumed that the whole S&M thing was pretty much a mind trip featuring power-play, and role-reversal but in actuality many of these scenarios were deeply disturbing. All I could think about was the selfishness of everyone involved - those seeking and paying for the pleasure of being tortured and subjugated and the doms who were in it for the money. The book left me feeling empty and bleak.
August 10, 2011
A really irritating woman talking about an interesting subject. Her narcissism and genuine disdain for everything and everyone she encounters takes all the fun out of it. Not cute. Plus several of the people I know who are current or former sex workers have very valid bones to pick with the way she represents a lot of the work, her fellow sex workers, and the clients. If you are at all interested in kink, do not turn to this book as a window into the world. Too much is inaccurate, dangerous, sex-negative, and BORING. And if you are interested in thoughtful, self-reflective writing, avoid this "too cool for school and I got away with it" memoir.
January 20, 2011
I picked this up because of the Terri Gross interview on NPR and have to say that the interview was more compelling than the book.
I really don't go for a lot of self-reflection from situations that are extremely avoidable, and I also found it irritating how the author seemed to switch between the tone of the memoir and into an academic register. She talked about being an anthropologist in her own life at the time, which I found to be sort of an unnecessary device to describe how we are all aware of our surroundings and ourselves moving within them.
Deploying phrases like 'intellectualizing the fetishism of the female form' made the intention confusing; was it a case study of this tribe of sex-industry workers? Or was it the author trying to distance her new professor self from from her former dominatrix-addict self? Or was she just trying to provide justification that she was smart enough and informed enough to choose this path? I felt like while reading there was this little dominatrix in a latex corset and 7-inch stilettos bouncing up and down going, "I went to college! In New York City! With a 3.9 whatever GPA!"
I guess when you've worked in the sex industry it's something you have to overcome to be taken seriously in other fields.
Essentially the arc of the book goes something like this:
1. Adolescent white female from unremarkable and stable background loses her way for no apparent reason. It's just so hard to be so friggin' smart with unstoppable sex-appeal.
2. Drug habit and college coupled with extreme obsession with exploring her limits lead her to become a dominatrix.
3. She dominatrixes (yes, I conjugated that) for three years.
4. The high from dominatrixing replaces the high from drugs.
5. The realization dawns that being paid to poop on people for money is actually not the paradigm of independent, strong womanhood.
6. Good therapists and non-psycho boyfriends fix everything.
7. Oh, that ALL brushes with the informal sector led to splashy book deals.
The actual personal transformation in this book...a young person moving out of drug addiction...was a pretty compelling piece of the story, but it was a small piece. And yes, as you can imagine the revelations from the chambers within the dungeon were titillating and gross.
I'd really only recommend this if your bookgroup has access to alcohol and you need to get people talking.
I really don't go for a lot of self-reflection from situations that are extremely avoidable, and I also found it irritating how the author seemed to switch between the tone of the memoir and into an academic register. She talked about being an anthropologist in her own life at the time, which I found to be sort of an unnecessary device to describe how we are all aware of our surroundings and ourselves moving within them.
Deploying phrases like 'intellectualizing the fetishism of the female form' made the intention confusing; was it a case study of this tribe of sex-industry workers? Or was it the author trying to distance her new professor self from from her former dominatrix-addict self? Or was she just trying to provide justification that she was smart enough and informed enough to choose this path? I felt like while reading there was this little dominatrix in a latex corset and 7-inch stilettos bouncing up and down going, "I went to college! In New York City! With a 3.9 whatever GPA!"
I guess when you've worked in the sex industry it's something you have to overcome to be taken seriously in other fields.
Essentially the arc of the book goes something like this:
1. Adolescent white female from unremarkable and stable background loses her way for no apparent reason. It's just so hard to be so friggin' smart with unstoppable sex-appeal.
2. Drug habit and college coupled with extreme obsession with exploring her limits lead her to become a dominatrix.
3. She dominatrixes (yes, I conjugated that) for three years.
4. The high from dominatrixing replaces the high from drugs.
5. The realization dawns that being paid to poop on people for money is actually not the paradigm of independent, strong womanhood.
6. Good therapists and non-psycho boyfriends fix everything.
7. Oh, that ALL brushes with the informal sector led to splashy book deals.
The actual personal transformation in this book...a young person moving out of drug addiction...was a pretty compelling piece of the story, but it was a small piece. And yes, as you can imagine the revelations from the chambers within the dungeon were titillating and gross.
I'd really only recommend this if your bookgroup has access to alcohol and you need to get people talking.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
March 24, 2010
Disapointing. The author is a better interview subject than writer. I heard part of a Terry Gross interview and was intrigued enough to buy this memoir of a dominatrix. I suppose, anyone who writes a memoir is--by default--self-absorbed, but there's precious little in here about being a dominatrix and quite a lot about being a self-deluded drug addict.
BTW, if you've always thought you'd enjoy stomping about in heels and brandishing a whip...be prepared for enemas and catheters as well. Why? This author isn't curious about that, or why fetishes are so integral to male sexuality. If you are curious about Melissa Febos, read this book; if you are curious about being a dominatrix, read a different book.
BTW, if you've always thought you'd enjoy stomping about in heels and brandishing a whip...be prepared for enemas and catheters as well. Why? This author isn't curious about that, or why fetishes are so integral to male sexuality. If you are curious about Melissa Febos, read this book; if you are curious about being a dominatrix, read a different book.
April 26, 2010
heard a tiny bit of Febos' interview on NPR and was intrigued enough to find and listen to it in full. look forward to reading her book.
i'm really not sure how to rate this book, so i'm giving it 3. i could go either up or down a star. i can agree with all the points other reviewers have made. self indulgent, brutally matter of fact. am i just annoyed with the happily-ever-afterness of the end? some of the disjointedness of the sections/writing? definitely some good and enlightening passages that i bookmarked and will return to. perhaps i will revise this upon reflection.
i'm really not sure how to rate this book, so i'm giving it 3. i could go either up or down a star. i can agree with all the points other reviewers have made. self indulgent, brutally matter of fact. am i just annoyed with the happily-ever-afterness of the end? some of the disjointedness of the sections/writing? definitely some good and enlightening passages that i bookmarked and will return to. perhaps i will revise this upon reflection.
September 6, 2010
This book had me whipped, seriously.
The memoir of a professional dominatrix humiliating and punishing a wide variety of paying male customers in a dark seedy cavernous basement establishment in New York City would be, you'd think, a rather interesting book. As it happened, I floundered and foundered badly with it. For me, it never achieved any kind of momentum. Febos seems to think that giving details of having tea and scones and the like is how a writer lends balance and adds atmospheric detail. Fuck all of that. I read this for the good parts, most of which are long in coming, or are handled like coitus interruptus when they do. When you've worked up a client and are about to give him the golden shower, don't cut away without filling out the whole scene, the reaction and the aftermath. And yet, she does this a lot, at least in the earlier half of the book. It seems to be a suspense ploy with no payoff other than to piss off the reader.
For the sake of context, let's tell you that Melissa Febos was a college gal trying to make ends meet in NYC early in the decade. Her apartment neighbor was a dominatrix. Steeling up courage, she knocked on her neighbor's door and over coffee the two discussed the business. Febos was fascinated, looked into the industry and got a job in a place called The Dungeon, quickly learning the ropes, so to speak. Along the way, she cultivates a nascent drug habit, has a fairly sociopathic dating life, agonizes over the meaning of control and sexuality and the like, and dribbles bits of life in the S&M parlor.
It's one of those books that takes so long to get to the good parts that when they finally arrive you just don't care anymore. Certainly I read this with prurient interest, and, no, S&M is of no interest to me personally. Life is degrading and humilating enough without having to pay to be subjected to more of it.
Like many books on sex work, and the authors who've experienced it, this one vacillates between defending the rights of workers and clients to pursue their bliss and the moralistic arc that always has the worker looking for a clean and better life at the end of the tunnel, which oddly lends a moralistic tone to the whole thing. I can never quite parse this line of reasoning out, yet I see it in book after book on sex work.
I struggled to get through this, and I get a sense in reading it that Febos struggled mightily in writing it. I learned some things, but the narrative didn't make it easy.
The memoir of a professional dominatrix humiliating and punishing a wide variety of paying male customers in a dark seedy cavernous basement establishment in New York City would be, you'd think, a rather interesting book. As it happened, I floundered and foundered badly with it. For me, it never achieved any kind of momentum. Febos seems to think that giving details of having tea and scones and the like is how a writer lends balance and adds atmospheric detail. Fuck all of that. I read this for the good parts, most of which are long in coming, or are handled like coitus interruptus when they do. When you've worked up a client and are about to give him the golden shower, don't cut away without filling out the whole scene, the reaction and the aftermath. And yet, she does this a lot, at least in the earlier half of the book. It seems to be a suspense ploy with no payoff other than to piss off the reader.
For the sake of context, let's tell you that Melissa Febos was a college gal trying to make ends meet in NYC early in the decade. Her apartment neighbor was a dominatrix. Steeling up courage, she knocked on her neighbor's door and over coffee the two discussed the business. Febos was fascinated, looked into the industry and got a job in a place called The Dungeon, quickly learning the ropes, so to speak. Along the way, she cultivates a nascent drug habit, has a fairly sociopathic dating life, agonizes over the meaning of control and sexuality and the like, and dribbles bits of life in the S&M parlor.
It's one of those books that takes so long to get to the good parts that when they finally arrive you just don't care anymore. Certainly I read this with prurient interest, and, no, S&M is of no interest to me personally. Life is degrading and humilating enough without having to pay to be subjected to more of it.
Like many books on sex work, and the authors who've experienced it, this one vacillates between defending the rights of workers and clients to pursue their bliss and the moralistic arc that always has the worker looking for a clean and better life at the end of the tunnel, which oddly lends a moralistic tone to the whole thing. I can never quite parse this line of reasoning out, yet I see it in book after book on sex work.
I struggled to get through this, and I get a sense in reading it that Febos struggled mightily in writing it. I learned some things, but the narrative didn't make it easy.
December 3, 2016
This beautifully composed book stands out not just because of the subject, and the author's sensitive, inquisitive, analytical, and sympathetic review of her life, but also because Febos is careful not to skip the stories beneath the story. She talks about truth/lying, doesn't gloss over or over-dramatize her struggle with addiction, takes us through her family's reaction to her job (carefully, it seems; I got the feeling that Febos was trying to permit her family as much privacy as possible without excluding them) and takes readers back to her child-self to consider how her early personality may have influenced to participate in sex-work.
The big shock to me re: Febos's dominatrix work wasn't confusion or conflict around sexuality and power dynamics, but how sad I felt for her clients, especially those men who seemed trapped in grotesque, cyclical abuse fantasies. I kept thinking: is this the best we've got as a society --secretive, base, unending subjugation, wrapped up in shiny dressing? What does this say about the options available to men? It's easy to understand the men who hired Febos to be perpetrators who help create and sustain unhealthy relational patterns and promote systematic abuse, but they also seemed incredibly hopeless.
Object and subject aside, I'd like to come back to just how interesting and funny this autobiography is. SO many great quotes! My favorite:
"Most of the time, my lifestyle felt like a choice I had made, because I was smarter, more complicated, terminally unique. But not always, and in those other moments when it felt like a bondage to something I didn't believe in I was choked with envy."
The one thing that Febos didn't get into that I wondered about was race. She mentions her Puerto Rican grandmother, but says nothing about her own identity and how that may/may not have played out in her experience as a dom. Yes, can't fit EVERYTHING in just one book, but I'd be interested to hear her speak on it.
All-in-all, really excellent work. Congrats, Ms. Febos!
The big shock to me re: Febos's dominatrix work wasn't confusion or conflict around sexuality and power dynamics, but how sad I felt for her clients, especially those men who seemed trapped in grotesque, cyclical abuse fantasies. I kept thinking: is this the best we've got as a society --secretive, base, unending subjugation, wrapped up in shiny dressing? What does this say about the options available to men? It's easy to understand the men who hired Febos to be perpetrators who help create and sustain unhealthy relational patterns and promote systematic abuse, but they also seemed incredibly hopeless.
Object and subject aside, I'd like to come back to just how interesting and funny this autobiography is. SO many great quotes! My favorite:
"Most of the time, my lifestyle felt like a choice I had made, because I was smarter, more complicated, terminally unique. But not always, and in those other moments when it felt like a bondage to something I didn't believe in I was choked with envy."
The one thing that Febos didn't get into that I wondered about was race. She mentions her Puerto Rican grandmother, but says nothing about her own identity and how that may/may not have played out in her experience as a dom. Yes, can't fit EVERYTHING in just one book, but I'd be interested to hear her speak on it.
All-in-all, really excellent work. Congrats, Ms. Febos!
Read
June 21, 2024Whip Smart: The True Story of a Secret Life by Melissa Febos is an interesting read. While ostensibly about Febos' time working as a professional dominatrix, it is much more about the ways she needed to learn to challenge her own preconceived notions of power, submission, and sexuality. And it is a lot about her substance abuse and addiction to heroin, and her eventual work to get clean.
I thought the dominatrix scene was fascinating, and Febos picks it apart and reveals it with a lot of brutal (sometimes gross) honesty. Needless to say it is not as glamorous a role as some people think it is—it is dirty and sometimes disgusting. I liked how she pulled apart the power dynamics of sex work (what makes an action submissive? how is one sex act that different from another?). There's a lot that's fascinating in this book and worth checking out.
One issue with the book: Febos is annoying. Her younger self is infuriatingly self-important with a dollop of "I'm not like the other girls." She does deal with this, discuss this, by the end of the book, but many readers will find it impossible to get through. For much of the book she thinks she's simply better, more intellectual, more detached from the role, less problematic, than everyone else working around her. She does a lot of lying to herself. Arguably, some of her development feels annoyingly clean, washed with the nice simplifying bath of retrospect.
Whip Smart was an interesting read about a subset of society and a world few of us know anything about, but some readers won't be able to get past the protagonist's self-importance and delusional tendencies to make it to its end.
Content warnings for suicidal ideation, explicit BDSM content, drug use, addiction, slut-shaming, homophobic and transphobic language.
I thought the dominatrix scene was fascinating, and Febos picks it apart and reveals it with a lot of brutal (sometimes gross) honesty. Needless to say it is not as glamorous a role as some people think it is—it is dirty and sometimes disgusting. I liked how she pulled apart the power dynamics of sex work (what makes an action submissive? how is one sex act that different from another?). There's a lot that's fascinating in this book and worth checking out.
One issue with the book: Febos is annoying. Her younger self is infuriatingly self-important with a dollop of "I'm not like the other girls." She does deal with this, discuss this, by the end of the book, but many readers will find it impossible to get through. For much of the book she thinks she's simply better, more intellectual, more detached from the role, less problematic, than everyone else working around her. She does a lot of lying to herself. Arguably, some of her development feels annoyingly clean, washed with the nice simplifying bath of retrospect.
Whip Smart was an interesting read about a subset of society and a world few of us know anything about, but some readers won't be able to get past the protagonist's self-importance and delusional tendencies to make it to its end.
Content warnings for suicidal ideation, explicit BDSM content, drug use, addiction, slut-shaming, homophobic and transphobic language.
February 21, 2022
I wanted so badly to like this, to be completely engrossed by it.
I didn't, and I wasn't.
I didn't, and I wasn't.
July 23, 2022
3 1/2 out of 5 stars!
I sought out this book because I absolutely adore “Abandon Me” by Melissa Febos and she references this memoir and the experiences that took place during this stage of her life throughout.
Initially when I began this read I wasn’t sure if I would be able to make it though. Her writing came off as aggressively narcissistic and naive in a way that felt very grating, and ultimately lacked a self awareness that she ironically thought she possessed. I give her some slack here for how young she was during this time, but still!
I’m not one to usually have a problem with certain sexual scenarios feeling like “too much,” but many of the scenes described during her time as a dominatrix were just flat out disturbing and often beyond what I initially associated with kink or bdsm (but maybe that’s my lack of real awareness in this area, who knows). While I eventually fell into a place of appreciating Melissa’s writing and perspective she was coming from, it was still incredibly difficult to get through some of the more grotesque fantasies. It’s for this reason that I wouldn’t necessarily recommend this book, even those who love Melissa, unless they can stomach some pretty brutal sexual scenarios.
I will say that this memoir really provides an incredibly interesting insight into the human psyche, and how emotional and childhood trauma can ultimately affect sexual fantasies, inclinations and behavior. I found myself really thinking about where moral boundaries are when it comes to sex, and what is truly “normal” and “acceptable” and what isn’t, at least in my opinion. I would be curious to read Maggie Nelson’s thoughts here!
I ultimately came to appreciate Melissa’s honest, unflinching perspective and really respect her for “going there” in this book. She’s not afraid to vulnerable when writing about her addiction and emotional turmoil and that is what I love most when reading her work. I’m looking forward to reading more of her work in the future, but I don’t think I’ll seek out her works on her relationships with men, emotional, sexual or otherwise as it’s just not what I relate to and I got a good share of it here. Would love to read a new memoir of hers in her current stage of life!
I sought out this book because I absolutely adore “Abandon Me” by Melissa Febos and she references this memoir and the experiences that took place during this stage of her life throughout.
Initially when I began this read I wasn’t sure if I would be able to make it though. Her writing came off as aggressively narcissistic and naive in a way that felt very grating, and ultimately lacked a self awareness that she ironically thought she possessed. I give her some slack here for how young she was during this time, but still!
I’m not one to usually have a problem with certain sexual scenarios feeling like “too much,” but many of the scenes described during her time as a dominatrix were just flat out disturbing and often beyond what I initially associated with kink or bdsm (but maybe that’s my lack of real awareness in this area, who knows). While I eventually fell into a place of appreciating Melissa’s writing and perspective she was coming from, it was still incredibly difficult to get through some of the more grotesque fantasies. It’s for this reason that I wouldn’t necessarily recommend this book, even those who love Melissa, unless they can stomach some pretty brutal sexual scenarios.
I will say that this memoir really provides an incredibly interesting insight into the human psyche, and how emotional and childhood trauma can ultimately affect sexual fantasies, inclinations and behavior. I found myself really thinking about where moral boundaries are when it comes to sex, and what is truly “normal” and “acceptable” and what isn’t, at least in my opinion. I would be curious to read Maggie Nelson’s thoughts here!
I ultimately came to appreciate Melissa’s honest, unflinching perspective and really respect her for “going there” in this book. She’s not afraid to vulnerable when writing about her addiction and emotional turmoil and that is what I love most when reading her work. I’m looking forward to reading more of her work in the future, but I don’t think I’ll seek out her works on her relationships with men, emotional, sexual or otherwise as it’s just not what I relate to and I got a good share of it here. Would love to read a new memoir of hers in her current stage of life!
June 27, 2025
Deciding to get on the Melissa Febos train! Love a good, juicy memoir, and she has, uh, several.
April 5, 2022
Great read! Thoughtfully & vividly written. I'm only half way thru & am enthralled.
June 9, 2010
Kudos to the author for having the balls to write this memoir. I'm sure her story is not received lightly everywhere. Tho it is 2010, a lot of people still prefer to live in the dark ages, or prefer that WOMEN live in the dark ages. For the author to just go out there and write a book and say, I was a dominatrix and I enjoyed it sometimes and I did heroin as well.. gutsy.
It is an interesting memoir. It takes readers to the nitty gritty world of S&M and tells just how far people go to get satisfaction and that satisfaction comes in all forms, ways, shapes, and sizes. Melissa began dominatrix work to pay for her expensive drug habit, and discovered she liked the power the job gave her and the self confidence so she stuck with it for four years. There is role playing, brown rain, gold rain, nipple clamps, doctor games, and many other things I would rather not mention here on goodreads. It's not for the sexually squeamish or easily offended. It is a memoir, however, and I did get the impression that Melissa is being absolutely honest and hiding nothing. I liked that she never made herself sound larger than life and that she admitted her flaws, mistakes, and conflicting emotions about her temporary career.
Some of the stories made me cringe and some made me laugh. It was a good memoir, BUT I got tired of the drug talk. 75 percent of the United States has a drug or alcohol addiction and probably 25 percent are in AA meetings so that is nothing new to me. I grew very bored when the author started going on and on about her heroin and coke use, her AA meetings, and her personal issues. As perverted as it sounds, I picked this book up to know more about the "sexual underground" and when it veered off track, I lost interest.
All in all, I was entertained and I have a better understanding now of what S&M, bondage, and all that stuff is about and why people do it.. or have it done to them. Three stars.
It is an interesting memoir. It takes readers to the nitty gritty world of S&M and tells just how far people go to get satisfaction and that satisfaction comes in all forms, ways, shapes, and sizes. Melissa began dominatrix work to pay for her expensive drug habit, and discovered she liked the power the job gave her and the self confidence so she stuck with it for four years. There is role playing, brown rain, gold rain, nipple clamps, doctor games, and many other things I would rather not mention here on goodreads. It's not for the sexually squeamish or easily offended. It is a memoir, however, and I did get the impression that Melissa is being absolutely honest and hiding nothing. I liked that she never made herself sound larger than life and that she admitted her flaws, mistakes, and conflicting emotions about her temporary career.
Some of the stories made me cringe and some made me laugh. It was a good memoir, BUT I got tired of the drug talk. 75 percent of the United States has a drug or alcohol addiction and probably 25 percent are in AA meetings so that is nothing new to me. I grew very bored when the author started going on and on about her heroin and coke use, her AA meetings, and her personal issues. As perverted as it sounds, I picked this book up to know more about the "sexual underground" and when it veered off track, I lost interest.
All in all, I was entertained and I have a better understanding now of what S&M, bondage, and all that stuff is about and why people do it.. or have it done to them. Three stars.
April 22, 2021
Did this book give me weird dreams about enemas? Yes it did. Was it also a very heartfelt look at power and vulnerability and growth, and the innate desire to be wanted? Yes. It was.
June 6, 2024
👠 | visibility ⭐⭐⭐
+ the author is queer and mentions sapphic feelings often.
+ she explores the impact misogyny has on women, which I personally enjoyed reading very much.
- I imagine her brand of feminism is not going to sit well with all feminist readers.
- another reviewer classified the the author's description of an Asian woman as racist.
👠 | reader health ⭐⭐⭐
- this reads a bit more like it's meant for people who don't know what being a dominatrix is like, which can hurt or offend readers familiar with the worlds of BDSM.
-/+ the author shares her disgust openly, which I find makes for a deeper and more fulfilling read, but I can see how it won't sit right with other readers.
+ a lot of reviewers call her narcissistic, but I interpreted her as simply showing us her perspectives without editing her humanity out, which is my favorite thing to see in a memoir personally.
👠 | education ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
+ if you are picking this book up to learn about what being a dominatrix is like for one particular person, you will absolutely get what you came for.
👠 | writing ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
+ I love her way with words and the way she tells her stories. this is the second book of hers I've read and I will continue on because her way of narrative speaking is exactly what I look for in books.
👠 | ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ engagement
+ I was hooked from the first page, and not by the premise or even her experiences, but just by the way she writes.
👠 | ⭐⭐ other content remarks
- I wanted more about her childhood, drug addiction, and sex/seduction addiction; these parts felt hollow; I hope she's saving these for other books.
+ the author is queer and mentions sapphic feelings often.
+ she explores the impact misogyny has on women, which I personally enjoyed reading very much.
- I imagine her brand of feminism is not going to sit well with all feminist readers.
- another reviewer classified the the author's description of an Asian woman as racist.
👠 | reader health ⭐⭐⭐
- this reads a bit more like it's meant for people who don't know what being a dominatrix is like, which can hurt or offend readers familiar with the worlds of BDSM.
-/+ the author shares her disgust openly, which I find makes for a deeper and more fulfilling read, but I can see how it won't sit right with other readers.
+ a lot of reviewers call her narcissistic, but I interpreted her as simply showing us her perspectives without editing her humanity out, which is my favorite thing to see in a memoir personally.
👠 | education ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
+ if you are picking this book up to learn about what being a dominatrix is like for one particular person, you will absolutely get what you came for.
👠 | writing ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
+ I love her way with words and the way she tells her stories. this is the second book of hers I've read and I will continue on because her way of narrative speaking is exactly what I look for in books.
👠 | ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ engagement
+ I was hooked from the first page, and not by the premise or even her experiences, but just by the way she writes.
👠 | ⭐⭐ other content remarks
- I wanted more about her childhood, drug addiction, and sex/seduction addiction; these parts felt hollow; I hope she's saving these for other books.
November 20, 2022
The bulk content of it seemed promising for an intriguing read but the execution wasn't there imo. I enjoyed Febos's book on personal narratives and think her writing has become more self-aware through time but this book lacked any real sense of vulnerability. I feel as if she still was keeping us at arm's length away from the real events in the story.
Maybe I'll revisit this one someday but for now it couldn't quite hold my attention.
Maybe I'll revisit this one someday but for now it couldn't quite hold my attention.
August 18, 2023
Kudos to Melissa Febos for diving into sex work, power, desire, gender roles, sexuality, and addiction in nuanced ways. I feel like it's far too easy to put any one of those topics into the binary of good vs bad and she manages to avoid doing that time and time again. In doing so, she keeps the reader on their toes and helps to reveal some of our own personal biases. Not my favorite book by Febos, but a good read nonetheless (pun absolutely intended).
March 24, 2025
Whip Smart: A Memoir
Media Type: Audiobook
Source: Everand
Dates Read: 3/20/25 - 3/22/25
Rating: 2 Stars
Narrator(s): Melissa Febos
The Story:
I was so disappointed. The tone of this book left me so bored. I was expected to be dialed in with juicy stories but no. Instead, I was fighting to finish the book (for the sake of the book club).
Media Type: Audiobook
Source: Everand
Dates Read: 3/20/25 - 3/22/25
Rating: 2 Stars
Narrator(s): Melissa Febos
The Story:
I was so disappointed. The tone of this book left me so bored. I was expected to be dialed in with juicy stories but no. Instead, I was fighting to finish the book (for the sake of the book club).
June 20, 2025
Having already read Febos’ later work, “girlhood” and “body work”, this one was a bit of a letdown. I think it would really benefit from an updated edit to trim down some of the clunkier chapters and to refine the language on race and ethnicity. Ultimately, I really enjoy Febos’ investigation of sex, gender, desire, and social conditioning. Her work always leaves me with greater curiosity and renewed determination to extend less judgement and more patience towards others and myself.
May 14, 2013
This is not so much a memoir of a dominatrix as an autobiography of a functioning heroin addict who happened to pay for her habit by professional sex work.
This book made me angry, and left me feeling hollow.
That is because it is written by a junkie. And thus, everything is seen through the negative, condescending, defeatist prism of her life.
I didn't review this book for several months because it upset me, and I had to force a friend to read it (who like me, happens to be a lifestyle dom) to clarify why I felt so insulted by this book.
I have read plenty of 'middle-class white girl flirts with sex-work and writes a best-seller with no consequences' books before without feeling THIS level of insult and disgust before- I hated "Candy Girl" but at least Diablo Cody didn't come off as a smug, superior sociopath.
I know professional sex work exists on the basis that the client wants something (in the realm of BDSM, something unusual that said person can't or won't get in their existing personal relationship) and is willing to exchange money for said service. But the utter condescension and mean-spirited parodizing of both her clients and fellow co-workers is depressing. Once you realize - and not because the author has any great self-enlightenment - that this is just a mirror of how she sees herself, it's easier to understand. But there is no great awareness of this in the conclusion. You are left with a circus side-show feeling of anyone who frequents -or works in - these establishments as some sort of damaged, disgusting subhuman.
The author 'triumphs' over her addiction and goes back to 'normal life.' Oh, and parlays this all into a book deal, but somehow without becoming any wiser or more mature for her experience.
If you want to read a good book on sex work - read "Brothel" by Alexa Albert. Or if you want a dominatrix bio that is at least amusing: "I was a Teenage Dominatrix" by Shawna Kenney.
You want some real BDSM nonfiction? Go pick up "SM:101" by Jay Wiseman as a primer. Then get "Different Loving: A Complete Exploration of the World of Sexual Dominance and Submission" by Gloria G. Brame or "The Art Of Sensual Female Dominance: A Guide for Women" by Claudia Varrin. (Once you look those up on here, check the list here:
http://www.goodreads.com/list/show/12....
This book made me angry, and left me feeling hollow.
That is because it is written by a junkie. And thus, everything is seen through the negative, condescending, defeatist prism of her life.
I didn't review this book for several months because it upset me, and I had to force a friend to read it (who like me, happens to be a lifestyle dom) to clarify why I felt so insulted by this book.
I have read plenty of 'middle-class white girl flirts with sex-work and writes a best-seller with no consequences' books before without feeling THIS level of insult and disgust before- I hated "Candy Girl" but at least Diablo Cody didn't come off as a smug, superior sociopath.
I know professional sex work exists on the basis that the client wants something (in the realm of BDSM, something unusual that said person can't or won't get in their existing personal relationship) and is willing to exchange money for said service. But the utter condescension and mean-spirited parodizing of both her clients and fellow co-workers is depressing. Once you realize - and not because the author has any great self-enlightenment - that this is just a mirror of how she sees herself, it's easier to understand. But there is no great awareness of this in the conclusion. You are left with a circus side-show feeling of anyone who frequents -or works in - these establishments as some sort of damaged, disgusting subhuman.
The author 'triumphs' over her addiction and goes back to 'normal life.' Oh, and parlays this all into a book deal, but somehow without becoming any wiser or more mature for her experience.
If you want to read a good book on sex work - read "Brothel" by Alexa Albert. Or if you want a dominatrix bio that is at least amusing: "I was a Teenage Dominatrix" by Shawna Kenney.
You want some real BDSM nonfiction? Go pick up "SM:101" by Jay Wiseman as a primer. Then get "Different Loving: A Complete Exploration of the World of Sexual Dominance and Submission" by Gloria G. Brame or "The Art Of Sensual Female Dominance: A Guide for Women" by Claudia Varrin. (Once you look those up on here, check the list here:
http://www.goodreads.com/list/show/12....
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