What to Expect: The Toddler Years

What to Expect

by Heidi Murkoff, Arlene Eisenberg, Sandee Hathaway

Overflowing with intelligence and good common sense, this comprehensive guide provides clear explanations and useful guidelines on everything a parent might want to know about the second and third years of their child's life. On a month-by-month basis, What to Expect: The Toddler Years explains what a toddler will be able to do at that age, and what to expect in the months ahead. Featuring topics from potty-training to sleeping problems, disciplining to how to encourage learning and thinking, this book covers it all - including invaluable advice on how parents can make time for themselves in the midst of it all. Answering parents questions such as 'How can I get my toddler talking?' and 'My toddler is a fussy eater - how can I be sure he's eating what he should?', What to Expect: The Toddler Years is an essential guide to keeping a toddler safe, healthy and - above all - happy.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Reference, Self Help, Health, Family, Education

826 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1994

About the author

Heidi Murkoff is the co-author of the What to Expect When You're Expecting series of pregnancy guides. She is also the creator of WhatToExpect.com and founder of the What to Expect Project.

Reviews

[Leahjoypro · Rating 4 out of 5]

I may be the only person who actually read all 900 pages of this book - wow! I was working through it for 2 years! All in all, I found it to be a great resource. As I read through the sections covering each month, I found that the topics they adressed were often right on target with what my toddler and I were going thought. Tons of helpful, well-researched info. The reference secitons in the back were also really great. Really found the "Potty Learning" section helpful. That all being said, there were some bits of advice that I didn't wholly agree with - especially some of those pertaining to sleep, discipline, and extended nursing, but you are bound to find some things you disagree with in a book so comprehensive. There was definitely enough good, helpful info there to balance those that I decided didn't fit with my parenting style. Kudos to the authors for thier thorough research!

[Jeffrey · Rating 3 out of 5]

An indespensible good book chock full of wisdom about the toddler years.

[Lightwhisper · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great book with age chapters and also subjects chapters. Very complete and wise.

[Hilary · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some parts are good. I like the "By this age your child may do... should do..." insets, the age-based chapters and the generally straightforward factual style, but as I dipped in and read portions I found parts that were downright alarming, and which reminded me why I threw away the "When You're Expecting" book.

For example (and I realize my copy is older so this may have been removed later): unless your family has a very rare or dangerous genetic disorder, I don't believe there is any reason to even think about testing or monitoring your toddler's cholesterol. Ever.

There were a couple of other things along those lines, where a rare possibility is discussed as if every parent needs to account for it, but I can't remember more examples, though at least one was dangerous and the other was fear-mongering. The one above just blew my mind.

So read with caution, and certainly be careful if you pick up an old copy.

[Nicole · Rating 2 out of 5]

Take the advice as one perspective in raising a toddler; some of it is a bit restrictive for everyday life (e.g. The Best Odds Diet). But balanced with other viewpoints, is a decent reference of general inquiries.

[Emily D. · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a good reference. It's the size of a traditional phone book which is why it took me many months to finish...but, full of good info.

[Katrin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm pretty sure it has all the answers to toddler related questions one might have. Valuable read.

[Alyce Wilson · Rating 2 out of 5]

I received the 1994 edition of this book second-hand, and I'm happy I didn't pay for it. While "What to Expect While You're Expecting" is recognized as a valuable book for expectant mothers, I find this sequel to be more alarmist than helpful for parents of toddlers.

While I expect to both agree and disagree with any parenting book, when I'm reading this one, I more often disagree. It's possible that newer editions have changed the advice given, but in this edition, the authors recommend the Ferber method of teaching children to sleep by themselves. That method has also been called the "cry it out" method, because it depends on allowing the child to cry for longer and longer periods each night in order to teach them to go to sleep. For many reasons, this method has been highly criticized, and without getting into a lengthy discussion, it just feels wrong to me.

In the same way, the book makes assumptions about weaning babies at a year (which is fine when the baby is ready for it but unfair to babies who are slower adapting to solid food). Those who believe in baby-led weaning will find themselves feeling like outsiders while reading this book.

The book is divided by month (12th month, 13th month, et cetera), and each chapter includes FAQs related to concerns from that month. This ends up giving the book an advice column feel and tends to emphasize the negatives. Rather than including a couple paragraphs on "diapering difficulties," for example, why not call the section "diapering" and deal with both issues related to diapering as well as positive advice for choices that parents might consider (such as cloth diapers versus disposables, for example)?

The result of this endless string of answers for "problems" not only feels haphazard but also conveys the opinion that parenting is troublesome and that this book is a first-aid kit or life raft. Rather than seeing this book as a lifesaver, I found myself frequently frustrated by the advice given, as if I'd been handed a child's water-wing instead.

[Clare · Rating 3 out of 5]

Helpful info, but I didn't read it cover-to-cover. At this age (Michael is 17 mos.), babies are so different that many of the issues in the book didn't apply to me/Mikey. The sections that did apply were helpful. The "What your Child Should Be able to Do" section for each month was useful in both reassuring me that Michael is on target for the skills he should have and showed me a few more things that I should start working on with him soon. So, from that standpoint, the book does help provide moms with some direction as to what the next development should be so that we can work with our babies.

[Shanna · Rating 3 out of 5]

There are always enough helpful tidbits in the What to Expect books that make them worth the read. However, they could easily pack all of the same information in a book half as long. It is almost like they felt the need to take up more pages in order to make the book more valid.

[Dolly · Rating 2 out of 5]

Ugh - more preaching... I don't even think I finished this one...

[Natasha · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very helpful reference book.

[Caris · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ok for a general overview.

[Sarah]

Some good tips but most beneficial in helping me realize that the range of questions I have had about parenting my toddler are completely normal, and that overall our parenting is going just fine.

[Shavar Ross · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing series. Extremely informative.

[Chad · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very informative parent’s guide to months 12-36, based on research and expert advice. Part 1 is divided into months; Part 2 covers toddler care, health, and safety in general. It contains just enough humor for this type of book.

I read it cover to cover, but at over 1100 pages, it’s better used as a reference than as a book to read straight through.

I agreed with most of advice, which is backed by research and seems sensible. One area I disagreed is with the authors’ recommendation to be open when your toddler asks where babies come from, and use adult anatomical terms. I can’t picture myself giving a toddler that much detail.

Walking
• Children usually first walk at 13-15 months.
• Don’t use a walker. Babies who use walkers have more accidents and take longer to learn to walk.

Clothes
• Kids go through 4-5 pairs of shoes during ages 1-2.
• Don’t pass shoes to younger kids; they’ve been molded to first wearer’s feet.

Behavior
• To stop unwanted behavior, use low-key distraction techniques, such as humor, rather than scolding. Toddlers repeat actions that get a major reaction.
• Talk to your toddler about others’ feelings. For example, when your child takes another’s toy, instead of saying, “Give it back,” say, “When you take Jessica’s doll away, it makes her sad. Remember how sad you were when Emily took your teddy?” Or, when your child hits another, say, “That hurts Ben,” rather than, “No hitting.”
• Explain your commands and requests.
• For each, “no,” offer a “yes” as an alternative. When you tell your child she can’t have/do something, offer an alternative.
• Anticipating misdeeds and saying, “no” only fuels them. Save “no” for when a child actually does something forbidden.

• Give positive rather than negative commands. “Stay on the sidewalk,” rather than, “Don’t step in the mud.” When shopping, tell the toddler what they can do (ride in the cart, find foods) not what they can’t (walk around, touch anything).
• Tell child her behavior is bad, not that she’s bad. Telling a child, “You’re bad” can be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
• Correction is more effective face-to-face than shouted across the room.
• Display confidence. Saying, “I don’t know what to do with you” when frustrated may frighten a child by making it seem like you don’t have control.
• Give simple, specific, short directions.

• “Catch” your child being good. Praise them for good behavior.
• Give attention so they don’t feel the need to misbehave to get it.
• If using time outs, use durations of 30-60 seconds up to 5-10 minutes, depending on toddler.
• Don’t nag toddlers to say courtesies on the spot; instead, remind in private.
• If you are sometimes willing to wait for your child, she is more likely to wait for you when you ask.

• To discourage biting, don’t playfully bite your child or allow them to playfully bite you.
• Breath holding is most common in ages 2-4, and isn’t harmful, even if the child temporarily loses consciousness.
• Type A personality can surface in early childhood. 1 in 4 show the traits: high-strung, intense, impatient, quick to anger, very competitive. Teach them how to relax (and set a relaxed example yourself), deal with the world in non-aggressive ways, delay gratification. Avoid pressuring to achieve, emphasize recreation and family over work-only.
• Don’t assign blame. Rather than saying, “I told you so,” help child see consequences and think about improving decisions. Ask your child, “why did that happen?” and “how can you keep that from happening again?”
• When telling that something is right or wrong, also tell why it is right or wrong.

• Don’t offer TV as a bribe/reward, or take it away as punishment. Doing so makes it more attractive.
• Don’t only prohibit touching delicate objects; teach how to touch.
• Instead of scolding, “It’s not nice to not let Thomas play with your car,” empathize, saying, “I know it’s hard to share your car. It’s very special to you.”
• Don’t share for your toddler; ask permission before offering toys to a playmate.
• Practice sharing all kinds of items with your toddler.

• Praise behavior or effort, not child. Be specific. Teach self-appreciation.
• To make unpleasant visits (doctor, dentist, haircut) easier, tell child that you’ll go somewhere fun afterward. If they delay, you can remind them to hurry so you can get to the fun place.
• When child says something embarrassing about someone in public, don’t scold; they don’t know better. Quickly and quietly explain that pointing out differences can hurt feelings, so if they need to do so, to wait until later or use their quiet voice. Later, discuss differences.
• Reduce likelihood of tantrums by offering choices (“this book or that one?”) rather than open-ended questions.
• Handling a tantrum: Stay calm; don’t try to reason; try hugging; try distraction; ignore.

• To discourage nose-picking, give toddler something else to do with hands. Explain that picking hurts the nose.
• Find something to compliment in each of your child’s creative works, but don’t overdo praise so your child doubts your sincerity or stops trying to improve.
• Offer guidance, but don’t force child to follow.
• Negotiate, but don’t bribe or threaten. In place of bribes and threats, reward with praise, and occasionally tangible rewards (especially effective when they’re surprises).

• Don’t make it easy for toddler to lie. Instead of asking, “Did you…?” say, “I know you…”
• Don’t tell your toddler “white lies”; instead, simply avoid telling the whole truth if you must. Explain difference between lying and pretending (e.g., Santa Claus).
• Show that you trust your child. Instead of saying, “Don’t hit this time,” say, “I know you’ll play nice this time.”

To deal with loud, screeching toddler
• Encourage child to sing instead, or make less annoying sounds.
• Look child in the eye and whisper, making her curious enough to be quiet.
• Challenge child to a whisper match, having her whisper back what you say.
• Teach “outside voice” and “inside voice.”

Discipline
• Although they generally recommend against spanking, some experts believe a smack on the hand or bottom may be warranted in dangerous situations.
• When punishment is delayed, it can be less effective in correcting behavior.
• Time out should be away from fun toys and activities, and not in child’s bedroom.

Negatives of spanking
• Child may obey out of fear
• Children rarely learn self-discipline
• Sets a violent example
• Humiliating

Steps of discipline
1. Give fair warning
2. Explain the sentence
3. Carry out the sentence immediately
4. Review event
5. Forgive

Food, Eating, & Nutrition
• By age 1, there are “no nutritional benefits to nursing,” and it can lead to tooth decay.
• Make nutritious food tempting; provide foods and treats that are nutritious and delicious.
• Reduce dietary fat and cholesterol by age 2. Stop giving whole milk and full-fat cheese and yogurt.
• Ask pediatrician for advice about starting chewable vitamins.
• Studies show that forcing a child to eat what you prepare can lead to eating disorders, abnormal eating habits, and/or weight struggles. Instead, offer new foods in addition to child’s favorites.

• Give 3 cups milk per day (as drink or in food).
• Limit whole eggs or egg yolks to 3/week; no limit on egg whites.
• Limit snacks to one between each set of meals.
• Encourage toddler to try what the family is eating, but let them be picky about selecting other foods too. They shouldn’t need to eat what’s put in front of them until preschool age.
• Don’t serve soft cheeses (feta, brie, Camembert, blue) because they may harbor bacteria. Stick to hard cheeses (Swiss, Cheddar, Muenster), cottage cheese, yogurt.

• Grate foods that are too hard for your toddler to chew, such as carrots, apples, cheese, red cabbage.
• Buy organic when you can afford to. The Dirty Dozen are the most important.
• Buy in-season, local, US-based whenever possible.
• Avoid or peel waxed foods.
• Peel nonorganic potatoes.
• Discard outer leaves of lettuces and cabbages.

Toddler Diet Daily Dozen
• Protein: 4 toddler servings (25 g total)
• Calcium: 4 toddler servings
• Vitamin C: 2+ servings
• Green leafy and yellow vegetables and yellow fruit: 2+ servings
• Other fruit and vegetables: 1-2 servings
• Whole grain and other concentrated complex carbs: 6+ servings
• Iron-rich: some daily
• High-fat: 5-8 servings (7 g) in year 2; 5.8-8.5 servings in year 3
• Salt: don’t add (foods contain enough)
• Fluids: 4-6 cups/day
• Supplements: daily vitamin if doctor recommends, or if diet doesn’t include enough vitamins

Sleep
• When comforting your child in the middle of the night, stop when they’re drowsy but awake, so they learn to fall asleep.
• Aim for 65° F sleeping temperature year round. In summer, set AC temp higher and use fan.
• Change child from pajamas to daywear soon after waking so they associate pajamas with sleep.
• By 18 months, many toddlers only need one 1.5-2 hr nap, in early afternoon, and sleep 11-12 hrs at night.
• Postponing breakfast may help train a child to sleep later.

Teeth & Teething
• Teach toddler to rinse after brushing. It removes toothpaste before it's swallowed, and eliminates loosened food.
• To convince toddler to brush: remind of doctor’s/dentist’s advice; give child-size brush; let him try first.
• If no sign of cavities or other problems, no need to rush to first dentist appointment. Pediatrician can perform basic dental exams. Have first dentist visit at 1 year, say American Academy of Pediatrics and American Academy of Pediatric Dentistry.
• Lightly brush or wipe gums and teeth after eating.
• Ask dentist when to start flossing. It's usually once any two teeth are close (not necessarily touching). Floss your toddler’s teeth, starting with molars.

• Relieve teething pain: rub gums with clean finger, let chew chilled teething ring. Give chilled applesauce or frozen banana, or cup of icy cold water (without ice). Give ibuprofen or acetaminophen when pain is at its worst, probably at bedtime. Ask doctor for other remedies.
• Provide comfort to a toddler who wakes with teething pain, but minimize midnight comfort runs; the toddler may become accustomed to them and disrupt sleeping patterns.

Strangers
• Help a stranger-suspicious child by asking strangers to approach them slowly.
• Don’t tell child that “strangers might be mean” or “strangers might steal you,” but instead tell them to ask you for permission before talking to one.

Toys & Playing
• Limit playthings that stifle imagination, such as coloring books and dolls that talk, and those that require no interaction, such as battery-operated toys that are just for watching.
• Before age 3, don’t expect toddlers to pick up after themselves. By age 3 you can get them to start putting toys away after playing with them.

Health
• Most experts suggest that less than 18 months between pregnancies is harmful to the mother’s body and isn't enough time for the older child to be the focus. Others suggest a 2.5 to 3 year gap is better for the child.
• Alleviate motion sickness: Sea-Bands, full stomach, no acidic fruit/juice, fresh air, watching horizon, nap.
• Young skin is prone to dryness because sebaceous glands don’t kick in until just before puberty.
• Use SPF 30 or higher for children with fair or sensitive skin.
• Sunblocks such as zinc oxide or titanium oxide offer strongest protection.

• Apply sunscreen lip balm as frequently as sunscreen.
• To reduce taste of medicine, put it towards the back of the mouth, or dull taste buds with a popsicle.
• Cough medicine isn't safe under age 2.
• Avoid insect repellents with DEET concentrations over 10% for children under two.
• For limited thermal burns, immerse in or apply cool water. Don't use ice, butter, burn ointment, baking soda preparations.

• If a sharp object is stuck in the eye or flesh, don’t try to remove. Go to the ER or call 911.
• Hire babysitter certified by Red Cross for Safe Sitter. Safe Sitter trains teams in babysitting fundamentals.
• Clean humidifier daily and sanitize weekly to prevent spreading germs, fungi, and mold.

Toilet Training
When to start training
• When toddler can stay dry for 1-2 hours at a stretch during the day, and occasionally wakes up dry from naps. Usually after 20 months.
• Child’s bowel movements come at fairly predictable times.
• Child has increased awareness of bodily functions. Toddler lets you know in some way (grunting, making a face, going to a corner, telling you, etc.).
• Child interested in neatness and in being clean and dry.
• Child is curious about others’ bathroom habits.

Training
• Do some “dry runs.” Before using the potty, help child get to know it. Make it available for them to carry, sit on while reading, etc.
• Change diapers in the bathroom to make association between bodily functions and bathroom. Show toddler that you empty solids into toilet and flush.
• Switch from diapers to training pants. Suggest, don’t insist, that toddler wears them. Start with disposable and gradually move to traditional training pants full time.
• Turn on the faucet to encourage child to go.
• Teach child how to wipe by demonstrating on a doll. Put oatmeal or jelly on doll’s bottom and let child practice.
• It doesn’t matter where your child uses the potty, just that they use it.
• Most children don’t stay dry at night once they learn to stay dry during day. Don’t do nighttime training yet.

Switching from potty to toilet
• Wait until child shows interest in switching.
• Have child accompany you into bathroom, and ask if they want to use the “grown-up” potty.
• A child’s seat that fits on toilet may be more appealing.

Misc.
• Move from high chair to booster seat or regular chair near 1.5 yrs. You’ll know when child complains about high chair or expresses desire to sit at table. Some prefer to sit on their knees on a regular chair.
• Thumb sucking usually begins to subside by age 3.
• Research suggests that one-child families are as happy and fulfilled as multi-child families.
• It’s best to avoid TV until age 2. After that, limit to 0.5 hr/day.
• Most children can’t identify colors until 3 or 4.

• Most doctors recommend holding off on ear piercing until age 4, or preferably closer to 8 (when she can take care of pierced ears herself).
• Don’t tell child that you can’t afford something. Instead, say, “That costs a lot of money. I’m sure you want it, but we need to use our money for food and clothes, and can’t spend it all on toys.”
• Wait until age 4 to teach swimming, according to American Academy of Pediatricians.
• If toddler asks where babies come from, don’t tell stories about storks, etc. Offer to read together a book about it (written for toddlers and young preschoolers). Answer only the questions he asks.
• Dealing with fear of the dark: night light; “search” for and “banish” “monsters”; appoint a toy sentry; act brave about the dark and explain that the room is the same as in the light.

• Toddlers have difficulty remembering.
• Peanut butter can help remove gum from hair.
• If you have more than one young child, it's best to put them to bed at the same time. If an older child needs to, let them read quietly in bed.
• When a toddler with a new sibling acts like a baby, allow it to an extent, but also remind toddler the benefits of his age.
• Preschool gives kids a slight edge in kindergarten, but it eventually disappears.

[Sally Edsall · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is very comprehensive. Thank goodness there is a comprehensive index, because the arrangement is a bit off-putting.

The chapters are broken down "chronologically" - The Thirteenth Month, The 25th to 27th Month etc etc.

Within each section it contains "milestones" type information - carefully labelled 'what your child MIGHT be doing' (it reinforces that children develop at different rates, but it still does encourage you to compare 'your child' with some 'norm'.

After that there are sections on 'What You May Be Concerned About' - for example, at the 19th month it might be 'night wandering, 'underactivity' or 'unclear speech' amongst other things. Thing is, these are not necessarily chronologically-linked. So you need to read right through the Table of Contents and use the index (some page refs are wrong, by the way)to find the topic you are interested in. Then follow sections on 'What You Need To Know' and 'What Your Child Needs To Know', again int he age-specific sections.

I think it would be much better arranged thematically. Perhaps a short section on things that really are age-specific. There are subsequent sections on things such as special needs children, toilet learning, feeding.

I have found the information on illness particularly useful and at other times much other information useful, interesting or reassurring.

I think this book earns its place in a parent's reference library. Its usefulness extends well beyond the toddler years, and for some things is still good in the early years of school (by which time life is so busy there isn't a lot of time for consulting books!)

[DeljM · Rating 5 out of 5]

A toddler survival bible.
A very informative and good resource.

I really enjoyed the sections that told you what things you could expect your child to do at what age, it was comforting to know my daughter is hitting all her milestones with ease.

Great potty training tips!
The book is filled with different behaviours your toddler may be displaying and ways of coping with them. I like that it gives you more than one solution to common problems some ideas will work for some and not others but you can have your pick of ideas to find one that suits to you.

You can pick and choose what’s helpful for you and what you want from the book.
It’s all positive reinforcement and friendly training methods which is perfect.

It also has a section on first aid and list of ailments and how to treat them.
Definitely a book you can keep looking back to for reference and ideas.

[Judy Tarver · Rating 3 out of 5]

There is NO amount of books that a person can read that will completely teach them how to be a parent or what to do in every situation. Each child is unique and has a personality of their own so what works for one child and his or her parents might not work for another. I usually do not read parenting guides, however there is some research and also some good information and advice on some aspects of parenting that will help some people as parents.

[Lisa Wells · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really like the month by month break down as your toddler progresses. You can read how many words the average baby speaks, follow along on the milestones, and just confirm adoringly that your toddler is indeed smiling or reciprocating or whatever they’re huge achievement is that month. But yes, I read it cover to cover like an OCD freak

[Jenny · Rating 3 out of 5]

If you loved and lived by the other "What to Expect..." books you'll be happy with this book. A thick volume covering the toddler years almost by month and dealing with the many problems and concerns of parenting a toddler. I don't agree with some of the philosophies in the book so be sure to pick and choose and follow your instincts.

Includes index and "ready Reference" section

[Nevena · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing book, but not essential as "What to expect in the first year", but it's ideal for parents who would like to evade reading a lot of parenting books because it has a bit of everything. At the age of two and three, I've found "Positive discipline" books more useful because they give more detail about the psychological side of child-care.

[Kate Carter · Rating 3 out of 5]

I didn’t finish or even flip through much. The format wasn’t as easy as the newer version of What To Expect When You’re Expecting, WTE: The First Year. Also, I think every toddler is different so I’m more interested in smaller bites so I can consider and adapt as needed. I found Precious Little Sleep and Parenting With Love and Logic more impactful for us.

[Jordyne · Rating 2 out of 5]

Good month by month summaries if you're into benchmarking your kids obsessively (which obviously, I am) but just like the When Expecting Version, too chatty, not clinical and crisp enough for my taste.

[Mahwish · Rating 5 out of 5]

Yes when your child hits the terrible twos, this is the book that will keep you a bit calm. Lol. It helps to know all toddlers of the world follow the same pattern. And their areany other moms out their going through exactly what you are going through. 😜

[Elizabeth · Rating 4 out of 5]

4/5 stars. Love the info this series provides. I will definitely reference the various appendices in this book, when it comes to help treating sickness. I have read these all since What to Expect When You're Expecting. It is a solid series.

[Dionne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful, like the books for expecting/pregnancy and baby's first year. I recommend any of these three books for any parents experiencing any of these stages of parenting.

[Emily · Rating 3 out of 5]

Decent resource for the 2nd (and 3rd, I assume) year of parenting but most of it is pretty outdated.

[JaNel · Rating 2 out of 5]

There are just too many variables for this format to be very helpful anymore.

[Rachel · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not as good as the other books but helpful tips and important developmental milestones to look for.