Caring For Nigel: Diary of a Wife Coping With Her Husband's Dementia

by Eileen Murray

At the age of sixty-nine Nigel Murray, a retired university lecturer and former Army officer, was diagnosed with dementia. Doctors suspected he was suffering from a rare and degenerative neurological disorder known as Multiple System Atrophy (MSA). However, Nigel also had many of the symptoms of both Parkinson’s disease and Lewy Body dementia and an official diagnosis was never made. For four years Nigel's wife, Eileen, kept a diary. This was her "safety valve" - an outlet for the daily stresses of caring for him at home, as his mental and physical health slowly deteriorated. In her diary she gives a frank and detailed account of his challenging and erratic behaviour, his bizarre hallucinations, the relentless struggle with his incontinence and the endless disturbed nights. Even in her darkest moments, Eileen's dry Scottish humour shines through - you will laugh one moment and be moved the next. You can’t help but smile at Nigel's trousers with the “appetite mechanism” and his special “anti-dandruff comb”. As the dementia advances, Nigel retreats into a busy world of army and lecturing duties, harking back to his earlier days. Eventually, the burden of running her own “one-woman nursing home” becomes too much for Eileen and her quest to find respite care begins. This presents challenges of its own. This true and touching account offers a unique insight into the day-to-day experience of caring for someone with dementia or a related illness. Some Amazon Five Star Reviews : ★★★★★ Excellent - a great read
★★★★★ Loved it
★★★★★ Very eye opening
★★★★★ Brilliant book
★★★★★ Sad but a good read
★★★★★ A gem
★★★★★ Five stars

Also Now Available in Large Print ( 9781914523182)

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction

103 pages, Hardcover

First published October 8, 2013

Reviews

[Ross Jeffery · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting insight, but very repetitive…diary format, thought it would be more insightful, but when you’ve read someone wet themselves once, you’ve read it a hundred times in this book. I get it, it’s a diary of one woman’s struggle, they said the book had humour in it, I found it lacking.

[Kerry · Rating 3 out of 5]

A sad read as the author struggles to cope with her husbands deteriorating health.

[Janet E · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Unseen World of a Caregiver

Eileen Murray's journal provides a rare look into the day to day world of a caregiver looking after a loved one with diminishing mental and physical health . I enjoyed Mrs. Murray's straight forward way of describing the challenges of coping with the constantly changing health of her husband , the unending chores , such as changing incontinence pads , washing , cooking , cleaning , and to live life as well as they possibly can . Her writing style is unsentimental , but full of affection for her husband and family . As a nurse , I was pleasantly surprised by her familiarity with medical conditions and terms . Later she mentions that she had worked with elderly in the past . For the American reader , there's the occasional unfamiliar phrase , but not hard to figure out the meaning. A deaf aide translates to hearing aide for example. I red this book in one sitting . It's an easy and interesting read .

[John oneill · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent

I enjoyed this book a great deal. I am a caregiver and have had a few Alzheimer's patients. It is very difficult for all involved in the care. Alzheimer's disease is brutal! I could feel Eileens frustration in the book. I wish I could have stepped in to help her throughout my reading. I also felt and saw things from Nigels end of things as well. I believe they thrive better at home but it requires a lot of help . it doesn't seem like Eileen had enough of that during the course of seven years. Much respect to her! I'm happy that her cancer went into remission and she was able to enjoy life. I would recommend this book to any family or caregivers taking this job on. Thank you! Dawn O'Neill.

[Best_books · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a difficult book to read . It is the diary of a wife, Eileen, who is caring for her husband, Nigel, who has dementia and other health conditions including Parkinson’s and sleep apnea .

As a diary it chronicles Nigel’s demise and his transition from home care , to respite episodes , to full time life in a nursing home . With experience of dementia in my only family I recognise many of the challenges Nigel faces and the helplessness and exhaustion of Eileen , although I am not a full time carer by any measure.

This book was definitely worth the read and is an important expose of the tragedy of dementia for all involved .

[mrs karen neil · Rating 5 out of 5]

Informative read

As a relatively new care home assistant , who chose to go into the care sector after being made redundant due to the pandemic, I found that reading the book from the perspective of a family member has helped me to understand the changing demands of a dementia patient, and how some of them come to be in care homes, its a debilitating disease especially for the families to see their loved ones deterioration over time,
A good read for any new carer to read

[MR S S P OCONNOR · Rating 5 out of 5]

Makes you really open your eyes

Clever writing, using humour to describe sensitive and heartbreaking changes.

A situation we all hear about, but many of us don't understand. This book makes it very clear how mental health affects the individual, and also the loved ones and friends that are so important.

The book becomes extremely peaceful and inspiring towards its end.

[Joanne · Rating 5 out of 5]

A touching story about the power of love and what lengths a person will go to in making sure their loved one is taken care of. This story brought back some memories of my own grandparents who all had dementia. Beautiful and heartbreaking story.

[vanessa johnson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Refreshingly honest

Caring for someone, especially someone you love who has dementia, is hard.

We'd all like to think that our patience would be infinite; nothing would be too much trouble and we'd want to be with our loved one 24/7. Unfortunately that's not how it works. No matter how close we've been to our person, the constant drip drip drip of dementia can erode what previously seemed an unbreakable bond.

Elaine Murray expresses this perfectly. Her amazing devotion to her husband is evident in every line, yet she is not afraid (nor should she be) to admit to needing respite occasionally and ultimately having to accept that Nigel's needs outstripped her ability to care for him at home.

[Susan Belperio · Rating 4 out of 5]

As this heartbreaking diary wasn't intended on being a book, it is a very realistic chronicle over a number of years, of a wife dealing with her husband's dementia. Although highly repetitive in parts, this is totally forgiven due to the fact that is was a diary. It is amazing that she managed to deal with the escalating difficulties in caring for him, whilst awaiting permanent placement. It is a testament to the sacrifices made for love of a person who is slowly erased in front of your eyes. I was able to identify so much with the hallucinations that were experienced having just been through a similar journey with my dearly departed Mum. A fast read, which should be essential for everyone involved in the care or treatment of someone with dementia.

[Odette Surles · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love my brother

I know no two people are the same . This book gave me a general idea of what my sister in law may soon be dealing with. She is confined to a wheel chair herself. He is a "long hauler" from civic and this is bow he was left. I hurt so bad, my jaw hurts. After reading this book, I want to contact he and his wife more often . They live in another city and I don't have a working vehicle. We had so much fun joking with each other for an hour or longer. He's not quite "there" like he was. I already miss that part of him. This book sent a message to me to not waste the time we have and to do what I can for my sister in law. Thank you for this wake up cal!

[Dorota · Rating 5 out of 5]

Una historia auténtica y conmovedora que permite al lector ponerse en la piel de una mujer que, de ser simplemente esposa, pasa a convertirse en cuidadora de su marido, afectado por demencia con cuerpos de Lewy. A través de su diario, válvula de escape para ella y, al mismo tiempo, testimonio valioso, nos abre una ventana al día a día de convivir con la enfermedad. Este libro se convierte en una lectura imprescindible para quienes desean comprender mejor esta experiencia, ya sea por interés profesional o por necesidad personal.

[Charlotte Miller]

I can’t rate biographies, there’s no putting a number on someone’s experiences. That does not, however, mean we can’t be critical of the presentation.

I read this mostly as my grandmother is deteriorating rapidly and her carers are proposing she may have dementia. I thought the journal style of Caring for Nigel would give insight into the complex needs that come with having an impaired family member. Unfortunately, the only need I’m now aware of is incontinence.

I feel that the transcription was too direct. One or two mentions of the daily struggles would’ve still got the point across. Reading about pads and mattress turning time and time again was honestly mind numbing.

With a heavier hand of editing, this could have been a great insight into caring for those with dementia. As it stands it’s a waffle about incontinence, dressing, and incoherent rambling.

[Irene · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a difficult book to rate because it was never intended to be a book at all. It is simply a collection of diary entries, made when things got bad, so there is no sense of Nigel's progressive deterioration. It doesn't describe his lucid moments, which makes it challenging to follow his mental decline.

[Colin Olliffe · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good preparation for a full-time carer

Having a wife with dementia I found this diary type book very helpful, and does prepare you for the inevitable, knowing that the dementia will progressive worsen, to the point of having to go into a care home. I did admire the way Nigel’s wife never gave up, despite the very difficult times she went through.

[Lucy Lulu · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had a lot of empathy for Eileen, my experiences of working in a care home and caring for my late father meant I could easily relate to her feelings, frustrations and anxieties. Eileen shows the difficulties whilst trying to care for her husband whose condition is deteriorating.
I felt the book was a good insight for people who have no clue of what carers struggle with daily.

[Robert · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is very short.
I hate to give poor review on such sensitive subject but really wonder how this got published.
In the end I scanned more than read this book so finished in less than a day
It’s very repetitive, which no surprise as a diary.
Can see why some 5* reviews. But just not for me

[glenn marsh · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very true to life

I am presently going through the same things as Eileen whilst caring for my Husband. I recognised a lot of the situations and frustration and guilt in trying to look after your loved one

[Sabrina · Rating 3 out of 5]

Worth a read and a true account of what it’s like living with dementia. I think Eileen did an incredible job allowing her husband at home for the time she did that won’t have been easy. My name had dementia and I also nursed so know the difficulty this presents you with. It’s heart breaking.

[Yessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

Candid concise personal diary

such a moving book.
Thank you for sharing your story with the world. Nigel was lucky
To have such a dedicated and caring partner

[Carol · Rating 5 out of 5]

I can relate to the book but I'm not that far in our journey yet.

[Rachel Corcoran · Rating 1 out of 5]

Poorly written.

[Susan Begbie · Rating 5 out of 5]

The naked truth about being a carer

Such a moving account of a wife's devotion to her husband in the most tragic of situations and how hard it is.

[Felicity Uhoda · Rating 2 out of 5]

Way too repetitive!
This book could’ve been told in two chapters.
Sad, very sad, but no different or interesting than any of the millions of others living with someone with dementia.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

A good read

I very raw account of a wife's account of life when her husband gets dementia was hard in place s to read reminds !e of my late taid.

[Rob · Rating 4 out of 5]

A tragic and depressing, but utterly insightful and compelling read, by a selfless, committed, brave and often witty woman.

[Gill T · Rating 4 out of 5]

A heartbreaking story of a journey with dementia….truthful and to the point .

[mrs f everett · Rating 5 out of 5]

Eileens lot

I really liked the dialog,could feel the impact it was having on her.helped mean understand my dad's behaviour.Would recommend the compelling read.

[MomofTeen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found myself reading and nodding. Ms. Murphy wrote a tender, realistic diary chronicling the decline of her husband. Her humor amidst the horror and fatigue shows her strength of character.

[Katie West · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a diary of a lady who became a carer for her husband who has MSA / Dementia. The lady kept a diary to write about the life of caring for someone; about how things was often repetitive, as well as the changes that became the new reality for this husband and wife as time passed by. I chose to read this book as I want to read more books about dementia due to my nanna having dementia. I wanted to learn more about the daily life of someone caring for dementia and this book was very insightful.

I gave this book 5 stars as it was a interesting short read to learn more about dementia. If you are looking for a short diary like read you should read this one!