The Power of Positive Parenting

by Glenn I. Latham

Parenting

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Self Help, Education, Family, Childrens, Book Club

397 pages, Paperback

First published September 1, 1994

Reviews

[Tara · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really liked the ideas in this book. The challenge will be to implement them consistently.

Here are some important rules of parenting that Latham suggests to keep in mind:

1. Seize opportunities to have frequent positive interactions with your child.
2. Clearly establish and communicate your expectations.
3. Clearly establish the consequences for compliance and noncompliance.
4. Ignore behaviors which do not threaten the basic quality of life, limb, and property (which include most unacceptable behaviors).
5. Attend to inappropriate behavior in an unemotional, precise, and directive way.
6. Do not question a noncompliant child about his behavior, or ask him to explain his inappropriate behavior.
7. Use the inappropriate behavior of one child as a cue to you to attend to the appropriate behavior of other children.
8. Smile and laugh, talk and touch-- a lot.
9. Assess behavior analytically and treat it clinically.

[Maren Dennis · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this parenting book and started using the techniques in it right away. My husband was really busy--it was just me and the kids. So I decided that for three days I would follow this book and see how it went. Then I could either toss the ideas or convert my husband to them. I have to honestly say that things in our home changed over night. The husband has been converted, and we aren't going back.

Here are some things I gleaned from this book:

First and most importantly, consciously noticing all of the good things my kids did and ignoring all the bad behavior I could automatically changed the way I saw my kids. I felt so much more love and appreciation for them. If I find myself getting grumpy with them, I have learned to catch them doing something good instead of descending into a spiral of negativity. And I feel like I've stopped trying to control them and truly realized that I can't, and I really don't want to. I can control myself, and I can reinforce the behavior that I want.

Secondly, I could really see the truth of Latham's idea that the behavior that is reinforced/noted/attended to is the behavior that gets repeated. When I started really praising my kids for putting plates in the sink, for playing nicely together, for doing what I asked right away, these behavior truly did increase. It's so true that we nag about and punish and talk about bad behavior and rarely notice the good. Switching that around has been more powerful than I imagined.

Thirdly, I much prefer this parenting/discipline method to any others I've read about/seen. It intuitively makes sense to me, and is not hard to implement. We've honestly been much happier and calmer as a whole family because of this book. I'm starting to feel like an infomercial...but my kids really have been playing like best friends; I don't stress about discipline techniques or wonder what to do in a given situation; my husband and I both feel really good about the techniques in this book and have had at least five conversations about how great our lives are now that we've read it. And as an added bonus, the author's example conversations between parent and child are very real (i.e. not at all sanitized) and occasionally hilarious.

[Mehrsa · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book gets a little repetitive and reads more like a textbook than a parenting self-help and the pictures and examples are a bit outdated. However, it has some very good advice. Basically, avoid age-appropriate "junk" behavior (ie, whining, back-talking, sibling rivalry) and just give positive feedback for good behavior whenever you see it. The main thesis is that kids respond to attention--any kind and if their actions are "rewarded" by negative attention, the will take it and repeat those actions, but if you just ignore the bad actions and constantly reward good ones, you will keep getting good behavior. I have been trying this at home and it's a bit tricky to constantly give positive feedback. I forget to pay attention when my daughter is doing good, which I have tried to change. One problem is that he doesn't explain the difference between bad behavior that needs to be discipled and bad behavior that needs to be ignored, but I guess I don't need a book to tell me everything about parenting, right? All in all, it's a very positive message and I really liked reading it.

Also, as I have read it, I have started to realize that this is how God disciplines His children--rewarding the positive and ignoring the negative--at least the New Testament God. We are rewarded with the Spirit when doing good things and then nothing (or confusion) when doing bad things--and this inspires us to do good. Just a thought.

[Lois · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the manual they should pass out at the hospital when you have your first child. I wish I had read this book years ago! This book and his smaller book are now my very favorite parenting books by far and I highly recommend them.
Dr. Latham promotes a higher level of parenting though sound science and thoroughly christian reasoning. (though I would not label this as a 'christian' book per se--he keeps his religious opinions to himself)
I feel I have a lot more clarity in what is really going on in my home and feel much more empowered to help move things in the right direction. For me this book has been incredibly helpful and eye-opening and has really helped the atmosphere in our home.

[Kristi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really good read. I would suggest this to anyone with kids. A lot of good, practical advice. While reading it I kept thinking, of course that's what you would do. And then realize it's not what I always do. I great emphasis on you controlling your behavior and not acting childish or reacting like your children. And also realizing that they are kids and aren't always going to "behave." Hard to explain in a short synopsis. Read it.

[Mary · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have read many parenting books, and this is the best I have come across.

[Inhabiting Books]

I was first introduced to this book by a dear friend a couple of years ago, and it had a profound effect on me and how I think about my children, react to my children, interact with them, and control myself. I'm still learning the concepts it contains. It is a book that is appropriate no matter the age of your children. I keep going back to it again and again. I love Dr. Latham's non-violent, loving, philosophical and practical approach to the behavioral issues that parents face in their children and themselves. He says,


"Parents are often looking for a quick fix, something that will turn a monster into a dream child overnight and with a bat of an eyelash. That's not what I'm talking about in this book. I'm talking about a gradual, methodological, systematic approach to organizing an environment that will reinforce children for behaving well. But as parents, we must be honest about our motives. We must first accept as fact that in the course of growing up, children will behave in ways that annoy us. Most of these behaviors are simply age-typical, garden variety, weed behaviors that go along with growing up. They are just part of the territory, the heat of the kitchen: leaving a mess, sibling rivalry, moodiness, mouthing off, messy bedrooms, poor eating habits, sloppy and even bizarre dress and grooming, seeming carelessness and selfishness, refusal to comply, and the list goes on.
Typically, such behaviors are less important than how we as parents respond to them. An appropriate response would put the behavior in a proper perspective without doing damage to the child...
As parents we must realize that children are in the process of becoming civilized. Our job is to civilize them, that is, teach them how to behave appropriately within the society of human beings. To judge children's behavior using adult standards is both inappropriate and unfair. (This is addressed in detail in Chapter 4, On Being in Control.) Parents who get angry a baby for crying are the ones who are behaving inappropriately, not the baby. Parents who strike a child for accidentally spilling his milk at the dinner table are behaving far less appropriately than did the child. For an adult to scream and holler at a screaming, hollering child is an example of an adult abandoning civility; hence the adult is behaving far less appropriately than the yet-to-be-civilized child. As parents, therefore, we must be very careful that we understand the behavior the child is exhibiting before we respond to it, ten respond to it in a mature, scientifically sound way.
Love, kindness, patience, understanding, and so on are all wonderful qualities parents should possess."


Below are just some of my favorite quotes from the book. (All are quotes from Dr. Latham except where noted.)

"Unless what you are about to say or do has a high probability for making things better, don't say it - don't do it. An ounce of "don't say it" is worth a pound of "I didn't mean it."

If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. -Chinese Proverb

"First we must control our own behavior. Next we must control the environment in our home. After we've done this, the children control themselves." -Louise Latham

"You are not controlling kids. You are making it easier for them to behave well." -Louise Latham

"Children are more at the mercy of their external environment. They respond impulsively, quickly, and often highly emotionally to stimuli in their environment."

"Don't be so interested in 'right' behavior that you ignore the feelings of your child."

"Don't become emotionally involved in altercations between your children."

"Forcing a child to apologize...regardless of the provocation, may simply teach the child to deny his feelings or find another and less acceptable means of expressing them."

"Do and say to your children only what you want done and said to your grandchildren,"

This is a practical, valuable manual, filled with real-world behavioral scenarios and examples of appropriate and inappropriate parental responses. I think it is the most valuable parenting book I've ever read.

[Melanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a thorough textbook-like book on how to parent in a positive way. I liked many of the ideas Latham shared, and I did appreciate the statistics and studies included in the book. Really, Latham is able to address parenting issues from infancy through the teenage years, and he does a great job. There are lots of role-play scenarios to guide you through situations like potty-training and tantrums, to sibling rivalry and tattling, to driving privileges and curfews. Here are a few of the little gems that I'd like to remember:

"Be slow to pay attention to annoying age-typical behaviors that are sure to fade with time."

"If what you are inclined to say or do is not likely to make things better, don't say it and don't do it."

"If the condition of a child's bedroom is creating a rift between a parent and a child, it is better for the room to be left a mess than for the relationship between the child and the parent to be a mess. This is not to mean that parents should make no effort whatsoever to teach their child neatness, orderliness , and care for their immediate environment. But in the long run, it isn't how neat, orderly and careful children are with their bedrooms or bathrooms that determines how neat, orderly and careful they will be with their own homes as adults. That is determined by the model set by their parents. As children grow into adulthood, they tend to model the behaviors of the adults who were prominent in their formative lives as children- usually their parents."

"Children will engage in junk behavior over which we as parents have zero control." (Regarding teenage non-serious experimentation like dyeing hair.)

"Ignore those behaviors over which you have no control and place the emphasis rather on building relationships between you and your children."

"We can't expect our home to be pleasant if we are unpleasant, out of control, and reactive. We must also get one thing clear immediately: if we are going to wait for our children to somehow naturally "shape-up" in order for things to get better, we will be waiting forever! Giving children the responsibility to frame a happy, positive environment in the home is like putting the fox to guard the hen house. Creating a happy mood in the home is our responsibility as parents. By first controlling our own behaviors, then by effectively applying selected skills, we can have a remarkable effect on improving the quality of life at home."

His 9 "Important Rules of Parenting" are also very helpful:

1. Seize opportunities to have frequent positive interactions with your children.
2. Clearly establish and communicate your expectations.
3. Clearly establish the consequences for compliance and noncompliance.
4. Ignore behaviors which do not threaten the basic quality of life, limb and property (which include most unacceptable behaviors).
5. Attend to inappropriate behavior in an unemotional, precise and directive way.
6. Do not question a non-compliant child about his behavior, or ask him to explain his inappropriate behavior.
7. Use the inappropriate behavior of one child as a cue to you to attend to the appropriate behavior of other children.
8. Smile and laugh, talk and touch- a lot.
9. Assess behavior analytically and treat it clinically.

Overall, I'm glad I read this book. It has given me a lot to think about and a few things to try.

[Wendy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderful book. Dad recommended it to me when I asked him for parenting advice. It was fun to read, knowing these ideas influenced the way I was raised. I recognized many of my Dad's 'tricks' as I was reading -although tricks is the wrong word. Dr. Latham presents a very positive, matter-of-fact approach to parenting. The skills he presents are simple. We've been trying to implement his ideas in our home and have found some success. Some things I learned . . . the basic premise of the book is that behavior is reinforced by attention - particularly parental attention. By paying attention to positive behaviors in the home - those positive behaviors are strengthened. By ignoring inconsequential, age-typical, 'garden-variety' 'weed' behavior and by correcting when necessary in an appropriate manner - letting consequences do the 'talking' - a positive environment is created in the home that fosters relationship building and growth.

I'm trying to think of an example how these ideas have helped me these past few weeks as I've been reading. Well just today - I had asked Allison to clean the floor in the bathroom where she made a mess. She sat by the bathroom with the spray bottle and rag and whimpered and whined for several minutes. I ignored the behavior for a few minutes while I thought about what to do - and then I went over to her with a timer and set it for 5 minutes. I informed her that the bathroom needed to be cleaned up in 5 minutes. If the bathroom was clean when the timer rang - she earned the privilege of watching a movie that afternoon. If the bathroom was not clean in 5 minutes that meant that I would clean it and that privilege of watching a movie would not be hers. I had her repeat back to me what the consequences were - and it made me smile when she effortlessly used the word 'privilege' - and later today she even used the word 'behavior' when contrasting her own 'good' behavior to Carter's 'bad' behavior in the bathroom . . . (we'll have to still work on the tattling) . . . . anyway - she immediately perked up and smiled when she heard the ticking timer and was anxious to work.

[Melissa E · Rating 5 out of 5]

I cannot say enough good things about this book. I wish I could attempt to summarize the parenting techniques, but I'm worried that I won't do it justice. But this is what I know:

After reading this book...
I feel more love for my children.
I am learning God-like love. Love that is unconditional. Consequences can be the bad guy instead of me.
My kids feel more loved.
I feel in control.
My parenting is changing from being %100 reactive to being deliberate and thoughtful.
My interactions with my kids have gone from being 90% negative to being 90% positive.
I cannot control my kids' behavior, but I can keep the environment in my home happy and peaceful.


Just read it, okay? I probably would not have believed in it a few years ago, but after seeing the remarkable difference in my kids (especially Parker) I am SOLD! It's a little dated and some of the examples made me laugh, but the principles are timeless.

(Warning: This book reads like a textbook. It took me a couple of months to get through. I had to take small bites of it and practice the techniques before reading more. But the payoff is amazing.)

[Tereasa Boren · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dr Latham gives insight into why we as parents do the things we do. He starts off by comparing us to our parents, Urg!!! I know I didn't want to parent the way my parents did, and he taught me that I was doing exactly that!! This book gives some wonderful ideas for creating a better home invironment and eliminating bad behaviors by just being more positive. It covers toilet training, sibling rivalry, lying, stealing, tantrums, and so much more. I was a sceptic at first, but then I tried it and it works, really!! Just don't expect things to change over night.

[Angela · Rating 5 out of 5]

My new favorite book. It focuses on applying behavioral principles in the home and family to help your children to learn how to properly behave. It has helped me to apply principles with my daughter that I learned and saw effectively work with missionaries at the MTC (hundreds of them). It has helped me to understand how to discipline in our home. Not that I am ever going to be perfect at it, but I'm going to try to apply the principles.

[Darci · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was turned onto this by Doreen who already has great kids. Maybe because she does so much of what this book says. I love the techniques he suggests. I love that it can be for children of any age. I love that I can go to certain topics when I just need a refresher. This is the best parenting book I have found.

[Angela · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a great book to have around. I have had to run to it several times to read how to handle a situation. It gives tons of examples of how to handle situations not just blah, blah, blah. I met the author's daughter and talked to her about. She encouraged me to be patient as I learn how to "positive parent" and said it takes years.

[Rebekah M. · Rating 5 out of 5]

I believe Dr. Latham was inspired to write this book and that Heavenly Father approves of his teachings and techniques. The lady, that introduced me to this book, and I often joke that our only regret is that Dr. Latham died before we were finished raising our kids or before we got to see him live in one of his seminars!

[Doreen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have read several parenting books before and find there is always something I can learn, but this book is the first that I keep learning and learning. I keep this by my bedside along with my scriptures and the book, Christ-Like Parenting.

[Keirra · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really like Glenns thoughts and studies done while working with troubled...and "normal" children. I saw him speak at BYU..education week. He really is a great guy, and I have really enjoyed the two books that I have read of his.

[Marea · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really like this book. The margins are large so it can be used as a workbook as you go along. It talks about common problems starting from toddler to teenager and explains it thoroughly with examples of what most parents are thinking and then how to correct.

[Shelley · Rating 5 out of 5]

this is a great reference book - lots of role playing and practical strategies that helps parents create the homes the author speaks of in Christlike Parenting and Parenting With Love - I love what these books have done for my family.

[Lesli Dustin · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book should be required reading for all parents. It has changed my relationship with my difficult child. It has changed my fussy, clingy baby into a most-of-the-time happy and independent baby. It has given me so much freedom.

[Susanna · Rating 5 out of 5]

This the most AMAZING book...it changed my life and the way I try to parent my three beautiful children. It's amazing how proper education in child-raising can make up for a great deal of personal parenting weakness and inability. It is enlightening and empowering!!!!!

[Linda · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm rounding up.

Things I disliked:
- VERY repetetive and just way too long overall.
- The scenarios were too contrived. The dialogue was hard to read because it just sounded so fake.
- The 90s era slang came through HARD. That's not really a flaw since this was published in 1990... but it was distracting and probably contributed to the dialogue sounding fake to me. (Although I did love the recommendation to give your child a small "edible" as a reward for potty training 😂)
- Classifying lazniess and pornography as 'Potentially life-threatening' while animal cruelty was listed as 'unreasonably annoying' in a behavior chart (on the same level as swearing or "bizarre dress"). This was the point at which I decided to just start reading the summaries at the end of each chapter.

Overall, I think this book was just too prescriptive.

Basically just look for the good in your kids and compliment them! Ignore the bad/annoying behaviors unless they're hurting someone or damaging property. (Although animal cruelty is apparently fine...)

[Jill · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this through listening to Ralphie from @simplyonpurpose. We bought her audio course at the beginning of quarantine and it's really changed how I (am trying to) parent. Glenn Latham is someone who she quotes often so I thought I'd go to the source. I really loved this 'parenting manual'. It feels like a textbook with the way it's set up with lots of 'assignments' or things to try. The basic overarching theme is that kids respond significantly better to positive consequences, environment and reinforcement. Instead of having a coercive home where kids are punished for misbehaving, having a positive way of helping them WANT to choose to behave. Really highly recommend.

[Amy]

This is an oldie but absolute goodie. One to buy and keep for referencing at every stage of child development!

[Staci · Rating 4 out of 5]

It is hard to sum up a book like this so I am going to steal a phrase I liked from another reviewer: "While reading it I kept thinking, of course that's what you would do. And then realize it's not what I always do." His thoughts on how to react to childrens' behavior is really simple yet profound. It starts with the concept of a parent not say "My child doesn't behave." Instead, we MUST say "I have not taught my child to behave." We have to take responsibility. In it's most basic, his philosophy is that punishing bad behavior doesn't really work. Modeling and praising good behavior is far more effective in the long run. I can attest that occasionally we fall into the trap of "threats and bribes" where I find myself saying "if you do this, then i will let you..." this is completely lazy and ineffective parenting and it was so wonderful to get practical advice on how to break that cycle. It is not easy to change, but I felt very empowered by this book. And it FREAKING WORKS. When I apply his techniques, our house is peaceful. I don't punish and tantrums and violence disappear.

I will say he does attempt a chapter on how to get infants to sleep using a very spefici crying-it-out technique. I was annoyed and wanted to say "buddy, every baby is different, keep your nose where it belongs, in child psychology." I do believe that his techniques will work for every child that doesn't deal with Post Traumatic Stress or developmental delays/issues, I do however feel that his techniques require a lot and many parents want an easier way to fix kids instead of fixing themselves.

Thats what his book comes down to. Fixing the way we communicate and teach our kids, and their behavior and social-awareness and confidence improves in it's wake.

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent. I had it on hold at the library and when it came in and I realized it was published in 1994 I was a little worried that the material would be dated. There was some dialogue in examples of how to interact that sounded like my mom but these examples are clearly meant for you to personalize and put into your own words (which would be easily done). Technology, of course, has advanced so you have to add a few more things to the list of privileges that have to be earned.
This is, to date, the BEST parenting book I have read. It makes complete sense as you read... seems like common sense stuff, but as some other reviews have observed it is also stuff that I wasn't already doing. A very love-based approach. He gets right to the point and I didn't find myself skimming for the pertinent info. Highly recommended!!!

* I feel like I've given 5 stars to a few parenting books a little easily so I'm going to amend that action. While I still think this is one of the best parenting books I've ever read the book was made in the size and shape of a text book which made it rather unwieldy. It also was pretty repetitive (which, let's face it, most parenting books are) I believe this is so that the skills will really be remembered/internalized. Still, this was a pretty long read which I don't especially like for the subject matter.

[Karen · Rating 5 out of 5]

My mom has read a lot of parenting books, and this is one of the two she recommended for me to read. One of the main ideas is that children respond better to positive reinforcement than punishment. If we do not give our children our attention unless they are acting-up, then they will continue to act-up because they want our attention. The author, Dr. Latham teaches how to teach appropriate behavior and positively reinforce good behavior. He also talks about how to deal with problem behavior in ways that are non-reinforcing. Dr. Latham was a professor at Utah State University, and his book teaches parenting skills that are based in science. The basic principles of the book are given in chapters 2 and 3 (particularly chapter 3), but the other chapters are good discussions of how to apply those principles to various situations. I enjoyed reading the book.

[Kim · Rating 5 out of 5]

So this is very long and reads like a textbook but so worth it to get the point across. His methods are not crazy ideas but just basic common sense most of us don't really think about. This books requires the parents to take more responsibility and then instill their children to do the same. It's a lot of work in the parents part and I realize I do a lot of the reactive behaviors that actually have the opposite affect I want them to have. I find sometimes holding my tongue difficult but when I do it pays off. I have begun applying his methods and already see a huge improvement in not just the kids behavior but in our home as well. There a lot of examples and a portions devoted to preteens and adolescents as well as younger children. I plan on purchasing this book and using it as a regular reference in our home.

[Kylie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read about a third and then skimmed the rest, partially because his other books say these things more succinctly and generally, and partially because I feel like this positive parenting comes from a perspective I don't connect to as much as other books. The language can be really patronizing and the scripts follow suit. So while I feel like there is value in knowing some of the principles in this book, they are better learned from other books. Specifically, I feel like books by Adele Faber are much better at teaching the positive parenting skills and principles and they come from a perspective of validation and teaching rather than using reinforcement to control.

[Tawni · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book was good. Had good insights and points. But it was so big. Textbook size. It was hard to really get into studying it and I eventually started to just read heading and notes and summaries...