Stumbling Toward Faith: My Longing to Heal from the Evil That God Allowed

by Renee N. Altson

Author Renee Altson understands all about being hurt, feeling alone, and full of doubt. While her story is an extreme example of abuse and mistreatment done in the name of God, her struggles with God as Father and with faith and disbelief are universal. This book is a perfect companion for those who have survived or know someone who has survived abuse, as well as for anyone who has ever questioned whether the journey toward faith is worthwhile. As you stumble with Renee, you will discover new deep places within your own heart and the freedom to question a God who is big enough to handle your doubts. May this book help you learn the breath and depth of the love of God and may the prayer you offer be the same as Renee' 'I believe. Help my unbelief.'

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Religion, Christianity, Spirituality, Theology, Christian

192 pages, Paperback

First published September 1, 2004

About the author

I am married, motherless, a mother. I am iced cappucino and almond-honey scones. I am gregorian chants. I am daffodils and irises and lilies and ivy. I am chocolate covered espresso beans, patchouli oil and raspberry bubble bath. I am dried flowers and vaulted ceilings, I am sandalwood incense and stubby white candles, I am a convertible with the top down in a thunder and lightning storm, I am Bach and Beethoven and the Unfinished Symphony. I am actively seeking. I am wanting to believe and yet afraid to. I am doubt and belief, I am found and am lost. I am done and undone, fragmented and whole.

Reviews

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

I heard an excerpt of this book at the church I've been attending and was very intrigued. So I ordered a copy and just finished reading it. What an amazing story of redemption! Altson is gut-wrenchingly honest enough to tell about surviving her Baptist father's sexual abuse of her, but the story doesn't ultimately dwell there. She also suffered a lot of religious abuse, and it's nothing short of a miracle this courageous woman has emerged with a deep passion and resolve to know God. She doesn't hold back when talking about her confusion and self-hatred, her questioning of God, and her struggle to heal.

highly recommended. But you can only order it from Altson, as she bought out all the remaining copies from her publisher.

[Elise · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's impossible to read this book without being enraged at the abuse that happens so often. It was also impossible for me to read without realizing once again how systemically damaging abuse in the name of God is. Not a fun read by any stretch of the imagination but one that could stir you to re-engage with your own story or that of others around you who are hurting from past abuse.

[Allison · Rating 5 out of 5]

There are no words to put here. Read this.

[Colleen Adams · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow. I am *almost* rendered speechless after reading this incredible, life-changing work. So honest, so real, so raw, so brave and humble. This book is for everyone who has experienced pain or abuse and then reached out in faith only to be trampled and further abused by religion and the church. This book is about the longing we all have to be loved and accepted with utter abandon. This book is about the horrors the life brings that are inflicted (and denied) by those professing love and Jesus. I only wish every Christian could read this book to see how churches don't readily create space for people hurting and in pain; the lack of humanity that permeates the church actually exacerbates the pain and suffering of those who need love the most. There is so much healing to be had by reading this book and validating the feelings the author has been brave enough to express in words. What an honor to have such an intimate, honest glimpse into the life of someone who is working out what real faith is and can be for everyone. God bless Renee for writing her story.

[Heather Djama · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is the story of how a young women that grew up in an abusive home processed through her abuse and became whole again. It especially looks at her view of God and how her relationship with God gradually changed over time after growing up in an atmosphere where the name of God was used to hurt people, abuse them, and put them down. This is a very honest look at her process and has a positive ending.

[Monica · Rating 5 out of 5]

I believe that all everyone needs to read this book. It shows the struggle of trying to find God when a parent uses the same God to punish you. I live this book and appreciate the writer for sharing her story.

[Amy Davis]

Intense.

[A.L. · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a hard book to read. But I'm thankful the author shared her story, and her questions. Her honesty will likely bring comfort and encouragement to many.

[Pamela · Rating 4 out of 5]

Phew. Challenging read (very intense and upsetting in places), but worth the struggle.

[Thomas Kinsfather · Rating 4 out of 5]

Gripping and artistic. Renee's story is heart wrenching, yet it is filled with hope. A quick read.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazingly honest story about Renee's struggle with faith, and how she's somehow still holding on. Very inspiring, I couldn't put it down!

[Sheri · Rating 5 out of 5]

Raw. Bleeding from her very soul, these are the words of a young woman struggling to find a God Who loves her and cares that she is being abused by her father, in God's name.
She finds Him.

[Pis4Piglet · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very good book highly recommend to anyone that has gone through abuse.

[John Martindale · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a hard audiobook to listen to, it was truly beyond comprehension how her father, associate pastor and that Christian college could have done what she describes, the depth of human evil she experienced is very hard to grapple with. I don't think she necessarily intended it to be so, but hearing these stories ultimately are one of the strongest cases against the theistic christian concept of God. Her experience really does just highlight how repulsive the metaphor of Father is, when it is given to God. If God is like a father and he allowed Renee to go through the hell and abuse by her earthly father, while she was simultaneously desperate, longing and calling out to a personal God, than the attributes that would apply to Renee's earthly father truly belong to God, yes, if God is like a father than God is evil, it seems inescapable. If God can act and he allows this kind of evil done in his name, he cannot be considered good.
I see the pain that came from hoping in a good God out there would intervene, protect, heal, comfort, lessen the suffering, and to provide presence. But yeah, I suppose we can quite seriously embrace the metaphor of Christ being the head, a head that literally cannot do anything if his body doesn't do it, but also a head that does a pretty poor job providing the will, wisdom and instruction to the members. indeed the body is heads interpreting what the head instructs and can and does act pretty independently. We can say God is like the principle of harmony and rhythm, which we will never hear unless others play music, and some claiming to represent God play the most discordant and soul killing noise. God will not override, act directly, intervene, he will not protect his name, God's primary job appears to act like he doesn't exist, If she never eventually found some other human beings who loved, accepted and embraced her, she conceivably never would have experienced the God who cannot do anything, unless we DO.
If God is love, its not like the love of a person that can act independently and personally, it more like God is the principle of love, the platonic form of Good, not a good that will reach out, embrace, empower, or actually substantially Do anything any this world. But it does seem human beings can embody and walk out agape, and somehow in doing so they abide in love, we abide in God and convey God to others.
The most tragic aspect is many of us, unless we are lucky enough to meet and be around those who love, and thus convey this aspect of love, we cannot experience God's love in abusive situation, unless we're among those people who can some how experience it psychologically in God's absence.

[Rieta · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really unique approach to dealing with abuse and faith. I really liked how Renee explained the problems of abused people in having a relationship with others and with God. Her method was a little random and abstract at times but incredibly well done.

[Laura Liana · Rating 5 out of 5]

Disturbing yet therapeutic.