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Resilience: Reflections on the Burdens and Gifts of Facing Life's Adversities
Elizabeth Edwards is one of the most beloved political figures in the country and, on the surface, she seems to have led a charmed life. In many ways, she has. Beautiful family. Thriving career. Supportive friendships. But she’s no stranger to adversity. Many know of the strength she showed after her son, Wade, was killed in a freak car accident when he was only sixteen years old. She would exhibit this remarkable grace and courage again when the very private matter of her husband’s infidelity became public fodder. And when her own life was on the line. Days before the 2004 presidential election–when her husband, John, was running for vice president–she was diagnosed with breast cancer. After rounds of surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation, the cancer went away–only to recur in 2007.
In Resilience, Elizabeth Edwards crafts an unsentimental and ultimately inspirational meditation on dealing with life’s biggest challenges. This powerful and inspirational book makes an ideal gift for anyone dealing with difficulties in their lives, to draw strength from the kind of attitude that Elizabeth has developed, and find peace in knowing that they are not alone.
In Resilience, Elizabeth Edwards crafts an unsentimental and ultimately inspirational meditation on dealing with life’s biggest challenges. This powerful and inspirational book makes an ideal gift for anyone dealing with difficulties in their lives, to draw strength from the kind of attitude that Elizabeth has developed, and find peace in knowing that they are not alone.
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First published May 8, 2009
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December 11, 2011
I wonder if reaction to this book might have something to do with the reader's age and life experience. I thought it was a remarkable book because of its honesty and the willingness of Elizabeth Edwards to share, without self pity, heartbreak that would have destroyed many, if not most, of us. The death of a child would be enough by itself to destroy a person. A cancer diagnosis alone would be enough. The confession of a beloved husband/ best friend/rock that he he'd had a one-night-stand and the public humiliation it brought with it. would be enough. Cancer treatments would be enough. A new diagnosis of cancer's return and spreading and the death sentence it meant, would be enough. Knowing you would not see your two young children grow up, would be enough. Seeing your own mother's descent into mental vacuity, would be enough. Ongoing new cancer treatments even knowing there is little if any hope that they'll work, would be enough. And then, when you know you are facing your last battle, when you have little time left and little left to fight with, you are hit with the knowledge that the "one night stand" was more than that, that it was an affair, that there was a child born to the other woman, followed by the public humiliation and sniggering, ultimate sense of betrayal... it is time to say, "Enough. No more."
I never got a sense of bitterness, except near the end, directed toward the woman who deliberately intruded into their life and, when John's complete betrayal was revealed, toward this man who had betrayed her and then lied about it. If every any woman was entitled to anger and bitterness it was Elizabeth Edwards. Yet she somehow seemed to keep herself from descending into hatred.I'm not sure I could have done that.
Elizabeth Edwards took the nettles of her life in her hands and tried not to flinch. She did not always succeed. She never pretends to sainthood. She admits often, in these pages, to being flawed, to being less than people thought. Throughout, she displays nothing but quiet courage and suffering, and bewilderment that her life should have turned out so different than it was expected to, bewilderment that God seemed to let things happen to someone who played by the rules, who lived the best life she could. She simply grasped the nettles harder and pressed on to her sad, heartbreaking end.
If any novelist wrote her life as a plot, not one would publish it because it would be just too unbelievable, too soap-opera-ish. But it was true. Elizabeth Edwards lived it. And died it.
I thought the poetry and song excerpts she quoted were perfect for the context, for the situation, for her state of mind. I think it's amazing that she could think clearly enough to write it, suffering as she was through the cancer treatments and the devastation of her heart. She wasn't putting in poetry to appeal to a faceless reader. She put in the words, lines, verses, that had meaning for her, and that she drew strength from. God knows how and where she found strength at all. I would not have.
I have not lost a child. But at 72 I have lost most of my family and several friends. I am well acquainted with grief. In 1964, within two weeks, I lost my mother to cancer and an older sister who was like an auxiliary mother. My sister was killed in a head-on car crash on a day like the one on which Wade Edwards was killed, in an accident much like his. Though I could not feel completely her grief at Wade's death, I could feel much of it. I know how it changes your life and forces you into a new reality. I, too, found comfort and still do all these years later, in homely poetry and songs and my remaining family. And, yes, it is a new reality and every new loss forces your to create yet another new reality.
It's not an easy book to read. I cried most of the way through it. I felt I knew her.
I wish I had.
I never got a sense of bitterness, except near the end, directed toward the woman who deliberately intruded into their life and, when John's complete betrayal was revealed, toward this man who had betrayed her and then lied about it. If every any woman was entitled to anger and bitterness it was Elizabeth Edwards. Yet she somehow seemed to keep herself from descending into hatred.I'm not sure I could have done that.
Elizabeth Edwards took the nettles of her life in her hands and tried not to flinch. She did not always succeed. She never pretends to sainthood. She admits often, in these pages, to being flawed, to being less than people thought. Throughout, she displays nothing but quiet courage and suffering, and bewilderment that her life should have turned out so different than it was expected to, bewilderment that God seemed to let things happen to someone who played by the rules, who lived the best life she could. She simply grasped the nettles harder and pressed on to her sad, heartbreaking end.
If any novelist wrote her life as a plot, not one would publish it because it would be just too unbelievable, too soap-opera-ish. But it was true. Elizabeth Edwards lived it. And died it.
I thought the poetry and song excerpts she quoted were perfect for the context, for the situation, for her state of mind. I think it's amazing that she could think clearly enough to write it, suffering as she was through the cancer treatments and the devastation of her heart. She wasn't putting in poetry to appeal to a faceless reader. She put in the words, lines, verses, that had meaning for her, and that she drew strength from. God knows how and where she found strength at all. I would not have.
I have not lost a child. But at 72 I have lost most of my family and several friends. I am well acquainted with grief. In 1964, within two weeks, I lost my mother to cancer and an older sister who was like an auxiliary mother. My sister was killed in a head-on car crash on a day like the one on which Wade Edwards was killed, in an accident much like his. Though I could not feel completely her grief at Wade's death, I could feel much of it. I know how it changes your life and forces you into a new reality. I, too, found comfort and still do all these years later, in homely poetry and songs and my remaining family. And, yes, it is a new reality and every new loss forces your to create yet another new reality.
It's not an easy book to read. I cried most of the way through it. I felt I knew her.
I wish I had.
May 11, 2009
Having seen Oprah's interview with Elizabeth Edwards on May 7th, I was eager to buy and read this book. The interview was open, honest, and engaging - Edwards communicated a tremendous sense of self that had been won at enormous cost. I wondered at the time how much of that was down to Winfrey's talent as an interviewer - the questions were forthright, and her demeanor calm, compassionate, but completely unwavering; this was a place where Truth was going to be spoken.
And I guess I now have my answer - I have to give the greater share of credit to Winfrey rather than Edwards. Resilience is a slim volume, both in pages (214 - I read it in a couple of hours, while making dinner) and in substance. There are frequent repetitions of not just subject but word choice, entire paragraphs replicated in chapter after chapter. Thoughts are expressed one way, and then expressed again in another - there is material here for perhaps one book of 100 pages - there is so much that could be omitted without changing the book's core.
The core of the book is also not what many might expect - it's not about John, or his affair, but about the loss of their son Wade. I can absolutely see how the loss of a child is more important than a marital indiscretion, and I read this to understand Edwards herself, not for the sordid details of what happened in motels. But the narrative arc of the story of losing Wade seems tilted not toward understanding those years as the sum of their own parts, but rather as a precursor to this other marital challenge. Perhaps that's how they feel to Edwards - a string of tragedies that run one into another - but if so, there is perhaps a better way to tell this story, to tease out that impulse in the introduction so that it's clear that will be the drive of the story going forward. As it was I simply felt uncomfortable, perching on the edge of each vignette, waiting for the unavoidable ending already played out in the public eye. An odd little book, all in all.
And I guess I now have my answer - I have to give the greater share of credit to Winfrey rather than Edwards. Resilience is a slim volume, both in pages (214 - I read it in a couple of hours, while making dinner) and in substance. There are frequent repetitions of not just subject but word choice, entire paragraphs replicated in chapter after chapter. Thoughts are expressed one way, and then expressed again in another - there is material here for perhaps one book of 100 pages - there is so much that could be omitted without changing the book's core.
The core of the book is also not what many might expect - it's not about John, or his affair, but about the loss of their son Wade. I can absolutely see how the loss of a child is more important than a marital indiscretion, and I read this to understand Edwards herself, not for the sordid details of what happened in motels. But the narrative arc of the story of losing Wade seems tilted not toward understanding those years as the sum of their own parts, but rather as a precursor to this other marital challenge. Perhaps that's how they feel to Edwards - a string of tragedies that run one into another - but if so, there is perhaps a better way to tell this story, to tease out that impulse in the introduction so that it's clear that will be the drive of the story going forward. As it was I simply felt uncomfortable, perching on the edge of each vignette, waiting for the unavoidable ending already played out in the public eye. An odd little book, all in all.
October 3, 2009
It is said that a grieving woman once came to the Buddha carrying her dead child. She had been wandering the streets for days with the child's body, unable to put it down. Asked to restore the child to life, the Buddha told the woman that she must first bring him a grain of rice from a house that had known no loss. The woman searched in vain for such a house and finally realized the lesson the Buddha was trying to teach: that she must put down the child's body. This story is, of course, a story about the hardest problem humans confront, how to deal with loss.
In a sense, Elizabeth Edwards' book Resilience is about that same problem and her struggle to learn the Buddha's lesson. Edwards writes about three great losses in her life, the death of her son Wade, her diagnosis of incurable breast cancer and her husband's very public and very humiliating infidelity. These are the kind of events that we all will suffer and which change our lives forever, and divide our lives into before and after. When they happen, we wish that life would return, as before. But, as Edwards writes, "'Before' is gone forever." When that happens, she says, "the only way to find peace, the only way to be resilient when these landmines explode beneath your foundation, is first to accept that there is a new reality." Our old lives no longer exist, and "the more we cling to the hope that these old lives might come back, the more we set ourselves up for unending discontent."
Edwards' book has a raw honesty as she describes her grief over her son's death, and her struggle to come to terms with it. Regret and bitterness mark her description of her reactions to her cancer and her husband's infidelity. In this, she shows herself to be very human. One gets the sense that like the woman in the Buddha's tale, she spent too much time carrying the dead body of her child around, too much time wishing things would have turned out differently, too much time regretting the loss of her old life.
Perhaps that's why Resilience isn't really an inspiring book, although some have found it to be so. I would call it instead a wise and thoughtful book. It's the story of making difficult adjustments in response to difficult problems, or as Edwards puts it, standing in the storm and when the wind doesn't blow your way, adjusting your sails. That's a lesson we would all be the better for learning. Elizabeth Edwards' book which tells the story of how she learned that lesson, may help others to chart their own way through stormy weather when it blows their way. Which makes it a book worth reading and thinking about.
In a sense, Elizabeth Edwards' book Resilience is about that same problem and her struggle to learn the Buddha's lesson. Edwards writes about three great losses in her life, the death of her son Wade, her diagnosis of incurable breast cancer and her husband's very public and very humiliating infidelity. These are the kind of events that we all will suffer and which change our lives forever, and divide our lives into before and after. When they happen, we wish that life would return, as before. But, as Edwards writes, "'Before' is gone forever." When that happens, she says, "the only way to find peace, the only way to be resilient when these landmines explode beneath your foundation, is first to accept that there is a new reality." Our old lives no longer exist, and "the more we cling to the hope that these old lives might come back, the more we set ourselves up for unending discontent."
Edwards' book has a raw honesty as she describes her grief over her son's death, and her struggle to come to terms with it. Regret and bitterness mark her description of her reactions to her cancer and her husband's infidelity. In this, she shows herself to be very human. One gets the sense that like the woman in the Buddha's tale, she spent too much time carrying the dead body of her child around, too much time wishing things would have turned out differently, too much time regretting the loss of her old life.
Perhaps that's why Resilience isn't really an inspiring book, although some have found it to be so. I would call it instead a wise and thoughtful book. It's the story of making difficult adjustments in response to difficult problems, or as Edwards puts it, standing in the storm and when the wind doesn't blow your way, adjusting your sails. That's a lesson we would all be the better for learning. Elizabeth Edwards' book which tells the story of how she learned that lesson, may help others to chart their own way through stormy weather when it blows their way. Which makes it a book worth reading and thinking about.
May 11, 2009
This is a heartbreakingly sad book. For most of the book, she deals with the loss of her son. That same year, she lost her father. She was diagnosed with cancer. Then years later, the cancer returns and her husband has his infamous affair. She knows she is dying and is married to a man she doesn't know anymore. She does do a fine job communicating raw pain. Most of the book is well-written. There were passages that were excessively redundant but they were few. I like her honesty and her lack of false bravado. After reading this book, I find I truly like Elizabeth Edwards. She hurt and was not afraid to say so. It is painful to read.
I only recommend this book for someone who is willing to feel a bit of that pain. I did cry during this book for the loss of her fine son was unbearable to read about. I cannot imagine how she survived that. There are few books that make me cry. This was definitely one.
I only recommend this book for someone who is willing to feel a bit of that pain. I did cry during this book for the loss of her fine son was unbearable to read about. I cannot imagine how she survived that. There are few books that make me cry. This was definitely one.
May 14, 2009
I practically read this book in one sitting. Elizabeth did a wonderful job of expressing her feelings, it was if she spoke to me. I cried at times as she described living without her son, and again as she described living with Cancer. I believe she was telling us that these are the events that help her cope with her husbands indescretions. It seems so much further down the totem pole than what she had already dealt with. I loved that this book was not about scandal but about real life.
January 11, 2013
Like so many other reviews, mine starts out "i so wanted to like this book...." I wanted to see how this public figure handled her bouts with cancer, how her celebrity, devotion, faith, clout, whatever might make her journey singular and inspirational. We rarely saw Elizabeth angry. We all stood in awe of this woman who took her cancer public and pressed on with the campaigns. What i found was a woman who was so broken by her teenage son's death that she never learned to function, to cope. She just stuck on her smile and returned to his bedroom at the end of the day. I think she was mentally quite broken and allowed her 14 yr old daughter to guide the decisions of what would be the rest of their lives and their family, a daughter she protests too much that she loved in equal measure and her treasured son. The book creeped me out, frankly. She wrote in clouds, in circles, repetitively so that i had to keep checking that i was making progress through the book. She locked her life to the time of her son's death and so much of her remaining life was brightened by being friends with his friends, attending their events. She ceased growing. As to my own quest, I was sorely disappointed. Cancer was just one more thing that shattered her tunebook persona. But she never made it real. She never discussed what resilience it took for her to get up and stick on her smile and make those campaign speeches, get on those buses and planes, shake those thousands of hands. That anyone could try to write a book like this at the end of days when cancer is quickly or slowly nibbling away at you, I applaud. That she asked for us to forgive her her foibles -- that she was both less and more than the public perception -- less than resilience, just a last cry for the attention she craved.
July 12, 2011
I so wanted to like this book more. I admired Elizabeth Edwards a lot, but this book gives you insight only into her response to the loss of her oldest son. She sometimes writes well, sometimes sloppily. She quotes from others too much for such a short book. I think that my biggest problem is that after almost 100 pages about dealing with the loss of a child, 50 pages about dealing with breast cancer, she doesn't really address her husband's infidelity and how she dealt with that. She calls it an indescretion, only briefly does she hint at how devastating his betrayal was. She seems to put the entire blame of the affair on the other woman. She admits that her husband lied repeatedly to her, betraying her trust beyond just a physical relationship with another woman, but she doesn't talk about what those lies did to her or their relationship. I can understand that if you marry someone for better or for worse that perhaps you can overcome infidelity. I know that, for some women, their family and their husband's career are at least as important as their own happiness. Only one paragraph even hinted at that. Maybe the wound was still too raw. Maybe she was still trying to protect her husband's career and reputation. Regardless, ther are some good nuggets in here about accepting the hand that life deals you, not struggling against it, but "adjusting your sails" to make life's changing winds work for you.
January 10, 2011
This was a good read!!!! Elizabeth Edwards was a very strong lady who had to deal with a lot of junk in her life. I enjoyed reading about her family, her relationship with her parents and even cried when I read the chapters about her son Wade. The thing I liked most about this book was that it was not about the scandal of her marriage...it was about her life and her fights. Elizabeth spent so much of her life focusing on the positives of everything and always putting her children first...she was a great mom.
August 16, 2010
I consider myself one of this book's least likely readers; while I love memoirs, political ones are usually inauthentic and ghost-written, and I never could stand John Edwards. Even though his political positions were probably closer to mine than other politicians, he always came off as a snake-oil-salesman to me. I still remember cringing during most of his VP debate against Cheney. Unsurprisingly, I find him even less appealing now.
But my mom's recent bad news had me searching our library for books on met bc, and this book popped up. I wanted to know the specifics of her treatment and how she's managed to fight it for so long.
I found her engaging, honest, and generous. And I believe she really did write it. She talks a great deal about growing up in Japan, with a Navy officer father, and the soundtrack of her childhood that became the soundtrack of her family's home. So many of the songs, as well as the poems she quotes, are among my mother's favorites.
I read it in one day, completely drained from crying while reading it by the end. She is eloquent and insightful while writing about how she needed to grieve the loss of her young son. I can't believe anyone would judge someone else's path to acceptance/grief, but there is an abundance of it here in the comments (maybe that's why I'm compelled to write so much...).
Not that I've reached a holy state of non-judgment---I always find it unsurprising but annoying when rich people believe that their wealth is a sign of God's favor (or the universe's, etc). But I admire that EE was so honest in describing her faith or view of the world prior to her incredible loss, and her own assessment that, after witnessing the pain of so many innocent people, it never made sense that she believed it, but she did.
I believe the book does a great job of sharing her path through grief, and even more so through the disillusionment that her life would be so very different from the perfect-picture one she imagined. Perhaps she wrote so little about her living children in an effort to respect their privacy; since they are still alive, their stories are still their own to tell. But I wish she had been able to write more and as well about what remains behind, about the beauty she discovered after the veil of entitlement or impunity from life's sorrows was lifted. Perhaps that is asking too much.
But my mom's recent bad news had me searching our library for books on met bc, and this book popped up. I wanted to know the specifics of her treatment and how she's managed to fight it for so long.
I found her engaging, honest, and generous. And I believe she really did write it. She talks a great deal about growing up in Japan, with a Navy officer father, and the soundtrack of her childhood that became the soundtrack of her family's home. So many of the songs, as well as the poems she quotes, are among my mother's favorites.
I read it in one day, completely drained from crying while reading it by the end. She is eloquent and insightful while writing about how she needed to grieve the loss of her young son. I can't believe anyone would judge someone else's path to acceptance/grief, but there is an abundance of it here in the comments (maybe that's why I'm compelled to write so much...).
Not that I've reached a holy state of non-judgment---I always find it unsurprising but annoying when rich people believe that their wealth is a sign of God's favor (or the universe's, etc). But I admire that EE was so honest in describing her faith or view of the world prior to her incredible loss, and her own assessment that, after witnessing the pain of so many innocent people, it never made sense that she believed it, but she did.
I believe the book does a great job of sharing her path through grief, and even more so through the disillusionment that her life would be so very different from the perfect-picture one she imagined. Perhaps she wrote so little about her living children in an effort to respect their privacy; since they are still alive, their stories are still their own to tell. But I wish she had been able to write more and as well about what remains behind, about the beauty she discovered after the veil of entitlement or impunity from life's sorrows was lifted. Perhaps that is asking too much.
November 6, 2009
Yesterday, I found out that one of my dearest loved ones--who has battled one form of cancer for over a decade, and another form for the past several months--has zero to ten years to live. Feeling quite devastated, I searched online for books on coping with cancer. This book was near the top of the search results list; from its description, it seemed to be just what I needed. Since the library was already closed, my husband went to the bookstore and bought a copy for me. I started it last night and finished it early this morning. Now that I've read it, I'm grateful to own it.
This book is beautiful in its unabashed straightforwardness; in its raw honesty; and, most of all, in its unpretentious account of acute suffering and perseverance. Thank you, Elizabeth Edwards, for being brave enough to write this book. It has been a balm for my pain (I think it often helps to read about someone who has overcome difficulties greater than my own) and has afforded what I believe to be priceless insight into the suffering of my loved one. For those who are struggling with grief from personal tragedy or from the grief of watching another confronted with personal tragedy, I believe this book will be empowering and I highly recommend it.
This book is beautiful in its unabashed straightforwardness; in its raw honesty; and, most of all, in its unpretentious account of acute suffering and perseverance. Thank you, Elizabeth Edwards, for being brave enough to write this book. It has been a balm for my pain (I think it often helps to read about someone who has overcome difficulties greater than my own) and has afforded what I believe to be priceless insight into the suffering of my loved one. For those who are struggling with grief from personal tragedy or from the grief of watching another confronted with personal tragedy, I believe this book will be empowering and I highly recommend it.
September 27, 2009
I had no idea she spent a good chunk of her childhood in Japan. It was interesting to hear her talk about the military bases that I visit quite often. I hate her husband, but she has lived a great life worth celebrating. I’ve grown to respect her, which means a lot.
Lines that I loved:
I suppose that in real life, we have to distinguish between those catastrophes we can repair and those that require us to face a new reality.
We stand a little straighter in his shadow.
The fall is much farther if you think you have fallen all the way from heaven.
I had a narrow life that brought no joy but in which I felt safe.
I don’t have to bury the memory to accept that I have buried the boy.
After we are gone, we fade a little with the death of each person who knew us.
I had to reconcile what I had believed with what I had experienced.
Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your prefect offering. There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.
You cannot change the wind, but you can adjust the sails.
I loved with the whole of me.
Lines that I loved:
I suppose that in real life, we have to distinguish between those catastrophes we can repair and those that require us to face a new reality.
We stand a little straighter in his shadow.
The fall is much farther if you think you have fallen all the way from heaven.
I had a narrow life that brought no joy but in which I felt safe.
I don’t have to bury the memory to accept that I have buried the boy.
After we are gone, we fade a little with the death of each person who knew us.
I had to reconcile what I had believed with what I had experienced.
Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your prefect offering. There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.
You cannot change the wind, but you can adjust the sails.
I loved with the whole of me.
April 8, 2018
This reads like a grief diary. I imagine for some, it could be very helpful—especially for someone who has experienced the loss of a loved one—to know you are not alone. But if you want depth, I would suggest CS Lewis’ A Grief Observed.
May 11, 2009
This book was amazing but be prepared to sob your way through it. Being through so much adversity, I felt she was reading the very words on my own soul. Amazing.
February 22, 2021
While many people will want to read this book for scintillating details of the cataclysmic affair that derailed her husband's presidential campaign, it is about surviving the unthinkable horrific things that life can throw at us. Elizabeth Edwards wrote a strong and brave memoir on her journey through the death of their son, cancer and the betrayal of her husband. I found the long chapter about coping with crippling grief over the death of their son, Wade, particularly insightful having gone through the traumatic death of my brother in the Iraq War and worked for an organization for gold star families for many years. This section will feel very familiar to bereaved parents and others, describing how one copes with such a devastating and senseless death. Their dutiful daughter Cate is credited with saving her parents from their crushing bereavement and I wish more was known of her story but this book is completely her mother's voice.
December 13, 2021
Even at my least political, I have a huge amount of admiration and affection for Elizabeth Edwards. She went through so much, and the thing I like most about her is that while she is often described as having handled everything with "grace". I liked that she handled it with honesty. As someone who has also lost a child, the reviews that say she only coped, but did not overcome, her tragedies, and therefore was not really "resilient", are well, clueless. These things are not something that you overcome. They are something that you live with. Sometimes well, sometimes badly, always without a choice. THAT is resilience. Living well is something that happens in fits and starts, depending on the day. If you don't understand that, you are truly lucky.
June 24, 2009
Elizabeth Edwards writes how she is coping with three major events in her life---the death of her son, Wade, her breast cancer, and her husband's infidelity. She really shares her deepest feelings, how she is getting through life...
Quotes:
"Each time I fell into a chasm...........I had to accept that the planet had taken a few turns and I could not turn it back. My life was and would always be different, and it would be less than I hoped it would be. Each time, there was a new life, a new story. And the less time I spent trying to pretend........the longer I clung to the hope that my old life might come back, the more I set myself up for unending discontent."
"At the lvery least, I am a different person now. I was not wounded, not afraid, not uncertain before, and now I always will be. He can try to treat the wound, and he has tried. He can try to make me less afraid, and he has tried. But I am now a different person."
"It was less than a year before Wade died when he and I sat in the family room looking at picture albums. We were looking at a photograph of him standing on the back stoop, his knit shirt tucked into khaki shorts, and an enormous smile revealing a missing tooth, and a big sticker on his shirt with his name. His first day of kindergarten.
"I miss that boy," I said to Wade.
"I am right here," he answered.
"Oh, I love the boy who is right here, but that boy, that little boy is gone. I have the big you, but I no longer have that little boy and I miss him," I said.
Understanding that he was gone and I was never getting him back was so much easier to accept when I had lost the little Wade, but still had the big Wade. Now, with empty arms, I miss them both."
"Mother, you seem sad."
"I am." She didn't look over at me.
"What is making you sad?" Imprudently maybe, opened the door, but I was surprised to find what was behind it.
"It started thirty or forty years ago."
I hope I understood her, for maybe it was one of the last lucid things she might ever say. Or maybe I hope I didn't understand her because it was hard to think these were her last clear thoughts.
"I learned my hopes for how my life was goign to turn out were not going to be. The trust was supposed to be deep," she said. "The smiles were supposed to last forever."
I hadn't understood much of what my mother had said in the previous six months, but this I understood. I am sad because my life has not worked out as I had hoped. This is about my looking around me one day and finding, first, an ugly crack in the foundation of my life, and then finding out in time that the crack was deeper than I had first thought."
"Forgiveness, I have been told, is the gift I give to him; trust he has to earn by himself."
Quotes:
"Each time I fell into a chasm...........I had to accept that the planet had taken a few turns and I could not turn it back. My life was and would always be different, and it would be less than I hoped it would be. Each time, there was a new life, a new story. And the less time I spent trying to pretend........the longer I clung to the hope that my old life might come back, the more I set myself up for unending discontent."
"At the lvery least, I am a different person now. I was not wounded, not afraid, not uncertain before, and now I always will be. He can try to treat the wound, and he has tried. He can try to make me less afraid, and he has tried. But I am now a different person."
"It was less than a year before Wade died when he and I sat in the family room looking at picture albums. We were looking at a photograph of him standing on the back stoop, his knit shirt tucked into khaki shorts, and an enormous smile revealing a missing tooth, and a big sticker on his shirt with his name. His first day of kindergarten.
"I miss that boy," I said to Wade.
"I am right here," he answered.
"Oh, I love the boy who is right here, but that boy, that little boy is gone. I have the big you, but I no longer have that little boy and I miss him," I said.
Understanding that he was gone and I was never getting him back was so much easier to accept when I had lost the little Wade, but still had the big Wade. Now, with empty arms, I miss them both."
"Mother, you seem sad."
"I am." She didn't look over at me.
"What is making you sad?" Imprudently maybe, opened the door, but I was surprised to find what was behind it.
"It started thirty or forty years ago."
I hope I understood her, for maybe it was one of the last lucid things she might ever say. Or maybe I hope I didn't understand her because it was hard to think these were her last clear thoughts.
"I learned my hopes for how my life was goign to turn out were not going to be. The trust was supposed to be deep," she said. "The smiles were supposed to last forever."
I hadn't understood much of what my mother had said in the previous six months, but this I understood. I am sad because my life has not worked out as I had hoped. This is about my looking around me one day and finding, first, an ugly crack in the foundation of my life, and then finding out in time that the crack was deeper than I had first thought."
"Forgiveness, I have been told, is the gift I give to him; trust he has to earn by himself."
December 6, 2020
This was a book given me to by a dear friend. Elizabeth Edwards had some devastating things happen to her: her son died in a tragic car accident, her husband was unfaithful and then cancer hit. The disease ultimately took her life. Resilience is a book of her reflections on the burns and gifts of facing life's adversities. I did not intend taking a little over a month to finish this 215 page book;) It happened that just after I started Resilience, a book I'd put on hold at the library came in at long last so that one took precedence over Elizabeth Edwards's.
I liked parts of Elizabeth Edwards's book but not all of it. The tone sometimes irritated me and her reaction to her son's death seemed over the top at the time. How did this affect her daughter, I wonder? How much attention did she get from her very distracted mother. Hopefully, her father Senator John Edwards stepped in. How did the daughter react to her brother's untimely death affect her? Elizabeth Edwards made her son seem to be much more exceptional in every area of his life than he actually was. There is a tendency to do this to deceased loved ones. I know someone who has done this to her deceased family member. Elizabeth Edward's obsession with her son seemed excessive but I may not be the best one to judge as I have not had a child who died. The way people grieve is very individual. While I liked the book, I didn't love it.
Her response to cancer was more balanced than expected given her reaction to grief. Cancer is a diagnosis no one wants to get. It can be devastating news and no one knows exactly what to expect. She did exactly what she was told to do, got her chemotherapy, and got on with life. That lasted a little while but it returned and spread: more treatment ensued. The cancer spread to her bones later, and the disease became terminal. It is a shame that she lost her life at a relatively young age. Elizabeth Edwards was a brilliant woman and obviously her family must miss her a great deal. There was just something about this woman I just didn't warm to and cannot figure out what it is. Other readers I'm sure will relate to one or more parts of this book and love it for all she has written in it. Is the title really the best one? I'm not convinced it is. Resilience has a connotation that it's something you do bounce back from after enduring adversities. Elizabeth Edwards did not really ever totally come to terms with her son's death: it left a huge hole in her life. Her husband's infidelity shook her to her core too and there's a tone in her writing that hints she didn't really ever get over that either. He was the love of her life and at some point she was abandoned for someone else. There was no recovery from the cancer, either. Did she have resilience? I would say not.
I liked parts of Elizabeth Edwards's book but not all of it. The tone sometimes irritated me and her reaction to her son's death seemed over the top at the time. How did this affect her daughter, I wonder? How much attention did she get from her very distracted mother. Hopefully, her father Senator John Edwards stepped in. How did the daughter react to her brother's untimely death affect her? Elizabeth Edwards made her son seem to be much more exceptional in every area of his life than he actually was. There is a tendency to do this to deceased loved ones. I know someone who has done this to her deceased family member. Elizabeth Edward's obsession with her son seemed excessive but I may not be the best one to judge as I have not had a child who died. The way people grieve is very individual. While I liked the book, I didn't love it.
Her response to cancer was more balanced than expected given her reaction to grief. Cancer is a diagnosis no one wants to get. It can be devastating news and no one knows exactly what to expect. She did exactly what she was told to do, got her chemotherapy, and got on with life. That lasted a little while but it returned and spread: more treatment ensued. The cancer spread to her bones later, and the disease became terminal. It is a shame that she lost her life at a relatively young age. Elizabeth Edwards was a brilliant woman and obviously her family must miss her a great deal. There was just something about this woman I just didn't warm to and cannot figure out what it is. Other readers I'm sure will relate to one or more parts of this book and love it for all she has written in it. Is the title really the best one? I'm not convinced it is. Resilience has a connotation that it's something you do bounce back from after enduring adversities. Elizabeth Edwards did not really ever totally come to terms with her son's death: it left a huge hole in her life. Her husband's infidelity shook her to her core too and there's a tone in her writing that hints she didn't really ever get over that either. He was the love of her life and at some point she was abandoned for someone else. There was no recovery from the cancer, either. Did she have resilience? I would say not.
July 8, 2009
I had read Elizabeth Edwards' first book Saving Graces: Finding Solace and Strength from Friends and Strangers a few years ago and liked it very much, so I was anxious to read Resilience, especially after hearing an NPR interview in which Edwards said:
Edwards has certainly had more than her fair share of new realities that frankly sucked. Her son's death, the news of cancer that continues to spread, and her husband's indiscretions are all covered in Resilience. Most of the book deals with the heartache and sense of emptiness and loss following Wade's death. It was really hard for me to read. Much of what was written was done in such a manner as to say the same thing three different ways over four pages.
I appreciated the style of her writing that acknowledged that while having cancer in any form is a horrible ordeal, she was at least much luckier than many who suffer from the disease because she can afford the best health care the country can offer, she has a support system close by, and she knows her children will be cared for after she's gone.
The story of John's affair is riddled with heartache and bitterness...how could it not be? As with the death of her child and the news of her imminent death, the theme of the book seems to be that some things you don't get over, you just get through.
"I think that resilience is accepting your new reality, even if it's less good than the one you had, the reality that you liked before."
Edwards has certainly had more than her fair share of new realities that frankly sucked. Her son's death, the news of cancer that continues to spread, and her husband's indiscretions are all covered in Resilience. Most of the book deals with the heartache and sense of emptiness and loss following Wade's death. It was really hard for me to read. Much of what was written was done in such a manner as to say the same thing three different ways over four pages.
I appreciated the style of her writing that acknowledged that while having cancer in any form is a horrible ordeal, she was at least much luckier than many who suffer from the disease because she can afford the best health care the country can offer, she has a support system close by, and she knows her children will be cared for after she's gone.
The story of John's affair is riddled with heartache and bitterness...how could it not be? As with the death of her child and the news of her imminent death, the theme of the book seems to be that some things you don't get over, you just get through.
June 24, 2009
How do you cope with a teenage son's sudden death in a car accident? What do you do to make the hurt disappear? How do you carry on in your life? How do you forgive a husband for his affair with another woman?
I found Elizabeth Edwards' personal story honest and both uplifting and heartbreaking. She reflects on adversities that she has faced in her life and how she is coping with them - a teenage son's death, breast cancer, recurrence of her cancer, her father's death, and her husband's indiscretions. She chooses to cope with grace and generosity, in spite of her anger and hurt. I admire her spirit and the fact that she adjusts her sails to weather the storms.
If you are looking for sordid details of her husband's affair, you will not find it in this book by this classy lady. She is still in love with her husband and is determined to forgive.
Apparently music helps to give her inner strength. Here are some lines from a Leonard Cohen song entitled "Anthem" that she mentions in this book:
Ring the bells that still can ring.
Forget our perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.
This is a book on how to deal with the difficulties life hands you.
I found Elizabeth Edwards' personal story honest and both uplifting and heartbreaking. She reflects on adversities that she has faced in her life and how she is coping with them - a teenage son's death, breast cancer, recurrence of her cancer, her father's death, and her husband's indiscretions. She chooses to cope with grace and generosity, in spite of her anger and hurt. I admire her spirit and the fact that she adjusts her sails to weather the storms.
If you are looking for sordid details of her husband's affair, you will not find it in this book by this classy lady. She is still in love with her husband and is determined to forgive.
Apparently music helps to give her inner strength. Here are some lines from a Leonard Cohen song entitled "Anthem" that she mentions in this book:
Ring the bells that still can ring.
Forget our perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.
This is a book on how to deal with the difficulties life hands you.
Read
July 25, 2009Resilience: Reflections on the Burdens and Gifts of Facing Life's Adversities, by Elizabeth Edwards, narrated by the author, Produced by Random House Audio, downloaded from audible.com.
Elizabeth Edwards is a beloved political figure. She is not the best narrator of her own books. I think she becomes emotionally charged in reading what she wrote. Her voice gets very small and tense and sometimes she is almost whispering her words. It makes it more difficult to listen to her. But the message she gives us in this book is about taking the hand you’re dealt in adversity, and making it a winning hand. While in some ways she has led a privileged life, full of supportive friends and family, she has had adverse circumstances in her life. She spends a great deal of time talking about the immense pain she felt at the death of her teenage son. She touches briefly on her breast cancer, and then talks about finding out that her husband was having an affair. She spent little time dealing with the “what happened” and spent most of her time talking about the building of her strength to deal with adverse situations, along with the ongoing effort at rebuilding of trust between herself and her husband, John Edwards.
Elizabeth Edwards is a beloved political figure. She is not the best narrator of her own books. I think she becomes emotionally charged in reading what she wrote. Her voice gets very small and tense and sometimes she is almost whispering her words. It makes it more difficult to listen to her. But the message she gives us in this book is about taking the hand you’re dealt in adversity, and making it a winning hand. While in some ways she has led a privileged life, full of supportive friends and family, she has had adverse circumstances in her life. She spends a great deal of time talking about the immense pain she felt at the death of her teenage son. She touches briefly on her breast cancer, and then talks about finding out that her husband was having an affair. She spent little time dealing with the “what happened” and spent most of her time talking about the building of her strength to deal with adverse situations, along with the ongoing effort at rebuilding of trust between herself and her husband, John Edwards.
June 24, 2009
A poignant book about facing life's adversities, Elizabeth Edwards takes the reader along with her as she searches for answers and in the end, finds them only within herself. She has had to endure the death of a child, terminal cancer, the loss of her father and her mother's senility, and now the loss of trust in a spouse. There's a great quote on the last page that I like: "The modern hero is a person who does something everyone thinks they could do if they were a little stronger, a little faster, a little smarter or a little more generous...Heroes in modern times are the link between man as he is and man as he could be."
For her grace in accepting the adversities in life and still finding beauty in the world, Elizabeth Edwards is a modern hero.
For her grace in accepting the adversities in life and still finding beauty in the world, Elizabeth Edwards is a modern hero.
March 17, 2015
Elizabeth Edwards went through a decent amount of shit in her life. Her son died, she got breast cancer (which killed her not too long after this book was published), and most famously, her husband cheated on her while she was dying of cancer. I remember being rather disappointed with John Edwards when all that came out. He wasn't my favorite presidential candidate, but I didn't expect that. Cheating on your wife while she's got cancer, that's some real, dirty, Newt Gingrich kind of stuff. I once saw Newt Gingrich with his plastic-looking third wife at the opera. I beat her to the bathroom during intermission. There are disadvantages to having good opera seats. What were we talking about again?
August 2, 2016
This book is one that is a heavy book to read. A great deal of it is about grieving. I feel Elizabeth masterfully wove her thoughts about the process of grieving, and overcoming grief. I really liked where she talked about accepting the new reality, and letting go of the hope that our "old lives" can still be, so that we can find peace. For those who have criticized the title, it actually is perfect, for overcoming grief is resilience. Elizabeth has overcome her griefs as much as can be expected, and has continued to build on the life that has been dealt her. Lousy cards and all. It has been a struggle for her to get there, but she didn't give up.
September 9, 2009
Although I thought that there was probably too much about her son's death, I thought her outlook on how to deal with the adversities that we all face was excellent. Most of us have never lost a child (and I can see why that would color almost everything a person would do), realized that they are dying of cancer and had a perfect husband be unfaithful. This is a lot to have on one's plate. However, with all this, she frequently states that we must face each day, look at the good in our lives and that will help deal with all the problems. Her style of writing often reminded me of poetry which then made some repetition less infuriating.
June 18, 2016
Elizabeth had a charmed life, and then not so much. In just a few years time, she lost her father, her son Wade, she got breast cancer, she recovered, it came back in her bones, her mother developed Alzheimer's, her husband cheated on her, the cancer killed her. She recorded her own story on the audio book while she was ill; and she just sounded so broken, it broke my heart. She also seemed to be overflowing with love and wisdom. Through it all, she was one pretty amazing woman. And a very fine writer.
"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her away and it surely has not, she adjusted her sails."
"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her away and it surely has not, she adjusted her sails."
May 26, 2009
Edwards has certainly experienced many adversities in her life and she eloquently speaks on her process of finding resilience. The book's primary focus is on the loss of the Edwards' teenage son, Wade, in an automobile accident. Although the writing is quite repetitive, Edwards' descriptions of her grieving process was profound and heartbreaking for this reader.
John's affair was discussed, but much more sparsely than perhaps what some readers might desire or expect. If you're looking for sordid gossipy details of the affair you won't find it in this book.
John's affair was discussed, but much more sparsely than perhaps what some readers might desire or expect. If you're looking for sordid gossipy details of the affair you won't find it in this book.
May 19, 2009
I loved Elizabeth Edwards' first memoir--Saving Graces--and while I was very excited about reading this second memoir, I couldn't really imagine how she could create another equally beautiful book. But she did it, and it really is a very, very good book by a very special person. Don't read it for the tabloid stuff (it's not there); read it because Elizabeth Edwards has a gift for writing simply and beautifully about some very difficult circumstances. I can't recommend this book enough!
May 14, 2009
I read this on Mother's Day morning - it was a good read for a single sitting read. She is thoughtful and earnest in her descriptions of her journey through hardship and grief. It is a journey that is very unique to her and she kept it that way - not generalizing, just sharing. Made me think a little bit of the way Anne Morrow Lindbergh wrote.
May 29, 2009
Wow! What a lady! I am just amazed at Elizabeth's courage, and her ability to share her life's lessons with us in such a beautiful manner. She is so real. Her emotions shared are so raw and heart wrenching. She is smart! She epitomizes the word, class! ... Elizabeth Edwards is down to earth, genuine, and truly remarkable.
May 12, 2009
I did not know much about Elizabeth Edwards before reading the book - only what I read in the tabloids. What a classy woman. I really enjoyed reading about her life and her decisions on how to deal with it......short read, but very good.
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