I have forty eight sticky notes.
Well, forty nine, I suppose, since I use the little white backing thing too. They're quite nice sticky notes, designed not to be written on but as bookmarks; at some year in the past they magically appeared in my Christmas stocking, and I haven't really used them since. I suspect there were originally fifty, so I've used two elsewhere.
Anyhow. Forty nine sticky notes was what I started with when I commenced reading Hush, Hush a little after 9 AM on August 25.
Less than fifteen hours and over a hundred pages later, I ran out of sticky notes. I used the notes to mark particularly horrendous parts of the book- and frankly, I'm surprised they lasted this long.
In the interest of not broaching another set of sticky notes which I may want from school, I'm going to deal with this book segment by segment; when I finish one round of sticky notes, I review and then continue. 'Course, since I won't post this until it's finished you'll just get the complete version. No perspective analysis, unless I really feel like it. All I'm going to do is quote Fitzpatrick, comment on the quote briefly, and move on.
EDIT: Before I even got through Section 1, I was over Goodreads' character limit by 978 characters. I still have more than 9 pages (counting one side of a sheet of lined paper as a page) of handwritten notes to type up- and those aren't even including responses, they're just quotes. So I'm going to cut this review down to the maximum accepted size (and do some formatting too) and post the rest in comments. Lengthy ranting? Heck yes.
Section 1: 0-113
Chauncey was with a farmer's daughter on the grassy banks of the Loire River when the storm rolled in, and having let his gelding wander in the meadow, was left to his own two feet to carry him back to the chateau.
- Book begins, very first sentence, with sex. BAD SIGN.
-Is this going to be relevant? Do the doings of one randy duke in Sixteenth Century France really concern the later plot?
Kneeling there, blinking up through the rain, he saw two thick scars on the back of the boy's naked torso. They narrowed to form an upside-down V.
- Is it the scar tissue that narrows? Because that's how it seems.
- I'm no expert on anatomy, but the V thing seems odd. Wouldn't having flight muscles attached to your latissimus dorsi (I believe that's the name, but the ones that wrap from the front of your ribcage to the back) be awfully strenous? Wouldn't you build up those muscles to unrealistic and bizarre-looking proportions?
'Welcome to Human Reproduction (Sex)'
At my side Vee Sky said, "This is exactly why the school outlaws camera phones. Pictures of this in the e-Zine would be all the evidence I'd need to get the board of education to ax biology."
- Is it really necessary to introduce Vee with first and last name, especially as this is written from Nora's perspective?
- Odds of a BoE getting rid of biology in any school curriculum are next to nil. Odds of BoE firing idiot teacher or changing the curriculum are pretty good, though.
Coach considered teaching tenth-grade biology a side assignment to his job as varsity basketball coach, and we all knew it.
- The frick? No. Biology is an ENORMOUS subject. Anyone who teaches it and can get a job teaching it has to, by definition almost, be devoted primarily to it.
- For future reference, Vee and Nora are sophomores, which means they'll be between fourteen and sixteen, probably sixteen.
"Science is an investigation," Coach said, sanding his hands together. "Science requires us to transform into spies."
- I will not digress into my own academic scientific background, but this is wrong. Science is an investigation, yes. Science requires observing things in a way which may be spy-like, yes. But it's not espionage. Deviate how you will from the scientific method, but most science is going to require experiments at one point, not just observation and certainly not just 'sleuthing'.
Vee is my un-twin. She's green-eyed, minky blond, and a few pounds over curvy. I'm a smoky-eyed brunette with volumes of curly hair that holds its own against even the best flatirn. And I'm all legs, like a bar stool.
- Descriptioninfodump not appreciated. Bits and pieces, Ms. Fitzpatz, bits and pieces. Your readers are smart enough to 'patch' together a description from fragments scattered here and there where relevant. This spoon-feeding paragraph is distracting from the 'action' of the story and just slightly insulting to my intelligence.
My heart fumbled a beat and in that pause, a feeling of gloomy darkness seemed to slide like a shadow over me. It vanished in an instant, but I was still staring at him. His smile wasn't friendly. It was a smile that spelled trouble. With a promise.
- Does darkness slide over something like anything but a shadow? Superflous description.
- If this is her first impression of Patch, it bodes ill...
Coach said, "Human reproduction can be a sticky subject."
"Ewww!" groaned a chorus of students.
"It requires mature handling. And like all science, the best approach is to learn by sleuthing. For the rest of the class, practice this technique by finding out as much as you can about your new partner."
- Yes, it does require mature handling- which neither Fitzpatz or her character displays. Immature puns? Not amused.
- SLDKJFLAJ: EXPERIMENTS GODDAMMIT. Not ****ing SLEUTHING, EXPERIMENTS.
- 'Technique'? What technique? Word implies that he's taught them some kind of technique to use in 'sleuthing', but he clearly has not.
- What's with Fitzpatz's love of this word 'sleuthing' anyhow? Did she just learn what it means or something? Is she trying to show off?
I sat perfectly still. The ball was in his court- I'd smiled, and look how well that turned out.
- We find out later that Nora wants to get into an Ivy-League school, or at least that she's capable of it. So why is someone who must have been going after her grades nigh-on aggressively her entire highschool career content to sit back passively and let someone else control the fate of an assignment? She has no drive and no persistence, obviously.
Great. At this rate I would fail.
- SO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT YOU TWIT.
"Call me Patch. I mean it. Call me."
- Horrible pick-up line. Does Fitzpatz really think teenagers speak like this?
- Useless pick-up line. 'Call me' doesn't work unless you give the subject a relevant phone number.
"I wasn't finished," he said. "I've got quite a collection going of an eZine columnist who believes there's truth in eating organic, who writes poetry in secret, and who shudders at the thought of having to choose between Stanford, Yale, and... what's that big one with the H?"
- GINORMOUS RED FLAGS. He's stalking you and taking pictures, Nora, you airhead. He's at the very least a voyeur, at the most a sexual predator. REPORT THIS SHIT. That's what the police are there for.
- This is Fitzpatz trying to characterize Nora through someone else's exposition- we are told she is all of these things, but never shown any of them.
The hair at the nape of my neck stood on end, and the temperature in the room seemed to chill. Ordinarily I would have gone straight to Coach's desk and requested a new seating chart.
- I cannot believe it. She just basically ACKNOWLEDGED changing her viewpoint character's personality becausse of (what will become) TWOO WUVE FOEVAH AN EVAH. Under ordinary circumstances she would have requested a change, but because it's PATCH THE SUPER SPESHUL MAN she doesn't. Bullshit.
He was a dark-Levi's-dark-henley-dark-boots kind of guy.
- Boots? Jeans? Henley? Agh. I pictured this and it looked horrible. Ominous maybe, fashionable definitely not.
"Go for it. I could use a hook for my next eZine article. 'Tenth Grader Fights Back.' Better yet, 'Seating Chart Takes Slap in the Face.' Mmm. I like it."
- And from this we learn that Vee can't write for jack. Seriously lame, both of these; pompous and not in the least bit clever.
"How was school?" Dorothea asked with a slight German accent.
- Poor description. This makes it sound like she's assuming the accent, not that it's natural.
- Why is the housekeeper always accented? What, people born in the USA don't need to take such jobs?
On the line beneath it I added, Smokes cigars. Will die of lung cancer. Hopefullly soon. Excellent physical shape.
- You do realize that 'will die of lung cancer' and 'excellent physical shape' shouldn't normally go together?
- Why did she scribble the last comment out? He's creepy about her; she should be creepy right back. Besides, it's the most Biology-related thing she's done yet.
I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but something about Patch wasn't right. Something about him wasn't normal. Something wasn't... safe.
- And yet you still descend into the depths of a bar that you're too young to be in to find him. Brilliant. Stanford is drooling over that.
"As it turns out, I'm in need of a healthy female sacrifice. I'd planned on luring her into trusting me first, but if you're ready now..."
- This would make a fine joke, if it was said in a lighthearted situation, a joking tone, and to someone who wasn't already scared of Patch. As is, it just shows that he's an insensitive bastard.
Patch casually but noticeably slid his sleeve down over his wrist. "You'd prefer it someplace more private?"
- And he officially has the Magical Ability to Turn Any Situation Into Something Perverted. Just fantastic, eh?
"Intelligent. Attractive. Vulnerable."
- PREDATOR. Singles out those who are on the outside edges, the weakest, and then takes them down. Basic predator/prey interaction. Nora is the deer with the broken leg in this one.
"I'm starting a petition to have Coach fired," Vee said, coming to my table.
- Why the hell is everyone referring to him as Coach? Is that his given first name? Or is he just such a whackjob that he prefers it even off the field? And besides, aren't there many coaches at this school? Vee could be referring to any of them!
"Let's give the seating chart a few more weeks. Oh, and I was serious about tutoring Patch. I'll count you in."
- WHAT. THE. FUCK. What kind of screwed-up school did you go to, Fitzpatz, that you think teachers are like this. They're NOT. Especially not to the good students, as Nora seems to be. Teachers aren't there for the money, they're there because teaching is what they want to do. No teacher will condone, facilitate, or even allow the abuse Patch dishes out to Nora, and no teacher would not only refuse to make a simple change to ease a studen's mind but also lassoo said student into tutoring someone she is afraid of.
Vee unlocked the doors to her 1995 purple Dodge Neon.
- What is it with Fitzpatz and the year, model, and make of these beat-up old cars? At the very least drop the year; NO ONE CARES. Hate to stereotype but your book will be read primarily by hormonal teenage girls. You don't need to appeal to the inner car mechanic in most of them, trust me.
I had never been seriously interested in anyone. How wierd was I? "It isn't about the boys, it's about... love. I haven't found it."
- WHAT THE FUCK. AGAIN. NOT HAVING INTENSE CRUSHES DOESN'T MAKE YOU A FREAKSHOW. GOD. (and I don't use that lightly, as an atheist.) Seriously, talk to a couple of teenagers. I personally am DAMN FUCKING PROUD to have made it to sixteen years old without a first kiss. No, I'm not shitting you. Sometimes high school boys are just stupid and not worth your time; there's no shame in that. Hell, I can name someone who shares my 'romantic state' and is two years older than I am. Assuming that all teenagers are horny little idiots and that high school 'romance' is the center of their universe makes no one look worse than the IDIOT AUTHOR.
- Now, keeping in mind that I have little romantic experience, point two. Saving yourself for your One Twoo Wuv is all well and good in fairy tales, but in real life is impractical. Like anything you pin all your hopes on, the potential for disaster is enormous. You know the saying 'the bigger they are, the harder they fall'? Applies double to expectations. Build yourself up and it'll just be worse if/when it goes wrong. And let's face it, Nora's idiot enough that it's GONNA GO WRONG.
"Someday this is going to be us. Ravished by half-dressed cowboys. I wonder what it's like to kiss a pair of sunbaked, mud-crusted lips?"
- MEMO TO VEE AND ALL ROMANCE WRITERS: 'Ravished' does not mean wild, passionate, consensual, kinky sex on a rug. It. MEANS. RAPE. I don't need to go on and on about how Rape Is Wrong. I think review readers understand that. I wish authors did. This word makes me so incredibly angry I can't even- I just can't.
My sixth sense graduated to high alert.
- I swear, 'alert' should be replaced by 'school'. At least then it would be funny. As it is, SENTENCEFAIL.
At first I couldn't distinguish any facial features, and then I realized he was wearing a ski mask.
- First off, one word: CLICHE. (This is the Review Of Much Caps.)
- 'At first' she couldn't distinguish facial features... and then she realized she couldn't distinguish facial features due to the ski mask. Okay, so why the 'at first'?
I watched with horror as the door began to bow. He was tearing- it- off.
- How much will you bet me this turns out to be Patch?
- Dramatic- dashes- do- not- achieve- effect.
Lifting my eyes just high enough to get a look at him without appearing that I was, I took in his fine-boned, handsome face. Blond hair hung at his shoulders. Eyes the color of chrome. Unshaven. Impeccably dressed in a tailored jacket over his green sweater and dark designer jeans.
- Tried to picture outfit; failed. Asked friend Fashion Maven to picture outfit; she rejected it. Conclude that 'Impeccably' doesn't mean what Fitzpatz thinks it means.
- Brought this scene up to other friend and she made good point. Why are they having breakfast at a bistro on a school morning? I could understand Vee doing this, as she doesn't give a crap for her grades, but Nora's suppsed to be Ivy-League caliber. Also, Wikipedia will tell you that bistros are defined by their food- namely things which are cooked SLOWLY. Like, say, exactly the kind of thing you really don't want to be eating when you have to be in class on time? Yeah, precisely like that.
"Mmm, check it out," said Vee. "Mr. Green Sweater is getting out of his seat. Now that's a body that hits the gym regularly. He is definitely making his way toward us, his eyes pursuing the real estate, your real estate, that is."
- Run-on sentence; the last comma should be a period.
- Editorfail: Pursuing? Or did you mean 'perusing'? Though I wouldn't put it past any of these characters to get the two mixed up... if they know the word 'perusing' in the first place...
- I have officially joined the Veehaters.
When he didn't answer, I turned sideways. "Soap. Shampoo. Hot water."
"Naked. I know the drill."
- How does this supposed supernatural creature have the exact same Awkwardness Summon abilities as a regular hormonal human teenage boy?
- SQUICK PATCH. SQUICK.
"Nora." The warning in Coach's voice pulled me back to my quiz, but I couldn't help speculating about what Patch's answer might have been, and it had me wanting to slide far away from him.
- This would have been an excellent point for Fitzpatz to show us that Nora is smart and a good student, the kind of person who would have to choose between Ivies for college. Instead, she leaves us with the telling of this we got earlier and shows us Nora as a hormonal idiot who is distracted by a guy she finds creepy. Sorry if I don't believe the characterization I was told and instead go with what I was shown.
My voice caught on the word, and I wondered if after today I would ever feel like calling Vee my friend again.
- Pity this didn't occur to Nora earlier.
- And yet this comment doesn't come into play later. Where's the ongoing doubt in Vee's trustworthiness or the value of her friendship? At the Delphic Amusement Park, for instance?
I was all alone, free do to as I pleased.
I came to a stop at the third door on the left. I sucked in a breath and knocked, but it was obvious from the darkened window that the room was empty. I pushed on the door.
- This may seem a minor nitpick, but SENTENCE VARIATION, DAMMIT. Four sentences in a row that start with 'I (past tense verb)' are amateur. Seriously, I used to pull this formulaic shit to get out of required writing assignments when I was in elementary school. Any close-reading editor should have caught this and made Fitzpatz rewrite this little section so that it was smoother and, oh, MATURE.
He jerked his chin out the door. "I need you to exit the building immediately."
- Mental image: chin flies out the door. Hilarious, but stupid.
- I dunno about Fitzpatz, but I've actually been at school during a bomb threat. And you know what they do? THEY MAKE YOU STAY PUT. You don't leave the building or even the room, especially if you're in someplace where a student shouldn't be. This reaction is ridiculous.
"All the seats here are taken," I said. When he didn't answer, I grabbed my glass back and took a sip of water, accidentally swallowing an ice cube. It burned the whole way down. "Shouldn't you be working instead of fraternizing with customers?"
- Where's the choking 'Gaaaack, gaaack' that is normal aftermath of swallowing an ice cube? Maybe it's a nitpick, but if you're going to make your main character do something like that, use all aspects of it- wouldn't it be interesting to have her embarass herself this way in front of Patch?
Even though it would probably come back to haunt me, I was curious enough about Patch to go almost anywhere with him.
"I want to get you alone," Patch said.
- Do I even have to make the comment here? Good. Because I can't compose myself enough to get past the DLSKJF; STUPID CHARACTER rant stage. So it's nice that this one speaks for itself.
He was dressed in knee-length basketball shorts and a white Nike sweatshirt.
- What kind of imbecile wears a sweatshirt to PE, when you know you'll be sweating buckets and giving off heat like nobody's business?
"Run!" my team shouted from the dugout. "Run, Nora!"
I ran.
"Drop the bat!" they screamed.
I flung it aside.
"Stay on first base!"
I didn't.
- The hell? Someone who doesn't do well in sports and doesn't like them much isn't going to go for the gusto. You take first base and you stick with it, because it's better than getting struck out. So either Nora has no strategic/logical brain at all (possible) or Patch being there completely screwed it up. (possible).
- Choppy writing supposed to be dramatic? Because it's not.
"Trust me, Dorth, there are no boys in my life." Okay, maybe there were two lurking on the fringe, circling from afar, but since I didn't know either very well, and one outright frightened me, it felt safer to close my eyes and pretend they weren't there.
- Patch OUTRIGHT FRIGHTENS HER. Feh. Warning sign much, you airhead?
- The imagery here makes both boys sound like sharks. Eeew. Not a healthy image if you expect her to fall in love with one of them.
Dorothea had moved down the hall to the powder room.
- No teenager in their right minds would seriously use the words 'powder room' in place of 'bathroom'. Sorry, no dice, Fitzpatz.
(To Be Continued in comments)