Ten Bad Dates with De Niro: A Book of Alternative Movie Lists

by Richard T. Kelly, Andrew Rae (Illustrator)

It's been a long time since I've come across a set of lists quite so piquant and entertaining as Ten Bad Dates With De Niro.-Louis Bayard, Salon (CriticAs Pick)
What are the Top Ten movies for making cigarettes look cool? Do good films ever win the Oscar? What is film's most tragic farewell, greatest opening-credit sequence, grisliest murder, loosest screen adaptation, most gratuitous use of sex and violence? How do you make a great movie without a movie camera? And why do Robert De Niro's characters behave so badly to women? Born of the cinephile's well-known love of lists, Ten Bad Dates with DeNiro is a symposium and celebration of viewing pleasures, private passions, and cinematic lost causes. Contributors include a fine cast of critics, filmmakers, and writers ranging from Steven Soderbergh and the Coen brothers to Andrew O'Hagan and George Pelecanos.

Genres: Film, Nonfiction, Media Tie In, Pop Culture, Humor

288 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2007

Reviews

[Paul Bryant · Rating 3 out of 5]

It’s a fun collection of movie lists & comments. A few of them will give you an idea :

- Are you gonna swallow that? ten memorable movie meals
- the words of the prophets : ten great uses of graffiti
- manicure madness : ten shining examples of notable nail varnish
- once more with feeling : ten best sex scenes not in a porn film
- Digital nightmares : ten wince-making instances of finger or toe abuse

This is a book some people would put in their toilet for casual browsing but I myself wouldn’t do that as I wouldn’t ever wish to conflate the activities of reading (essential, stimulating, moving, gripping) with visiting the bathroom (essential, but never stimulating, moving or gripping, except in life-threatening situations which fortunately are very rare).

Three lists from me :

10 movies I couldn’t finish if you’d paid me

AI – the kidbot (robochild?) is enough to make me crash my head through the nearest window and shout for help. No!

The Bourne Identity – some people like this movie I believe but really it is actually tripe and onions

Gandhi – stilted, pompous neo-colonialist puffery. Everyone should have been ashamed. Instead the guilt rained down as Oscars.

In Bruges – stated to be funny, but Carry On Up the Khyber has the edge on it

Lesbian Vampire Killers – from the director of Shaun of the Dead – how could it fail? By being crap.

The Misfits – in which Arthur Miller foists a piece of total pretentious gasbagwankery onto poor old Marilyn, Clark Gable & Montgomery Clift, and because it was all of these great stars’ last pictures, the critics can’t see what it’s really like because tears are continually obscuring their sight.

The Pillow Book – last word in beautiful film-making wedded to a script dull enough to make grown men cry. I admit there are a number of contenders in that category.

the royal tenenbaums
I heart huckabees
the science of sleep

- considered together – all have their brains in the right place but the deep thrum of all their thinking is the only thing that can be discerned.

and now


8 cool soundtrack moments

1) The Good, the Bad & the Ugly - aheeaheeaheeyaaa daa-daa-daaah – you have to whistle it

2) the three mice singing Je ne regrette riens in Babe Pig in the City right squinched down in the corner of the screen at various moments. I want those mice.

3) The Commitments finally getting it together in The Commitments – their performance of The Dark End of the Street is beautiful.

4) Blue Moon by the Marcels in An American Werewolf in London – now that’s what I call amusing.

5) Whistle down the Wind theme tune, which has haunted me for 30 years. This is the movie where kids find a criminal on the run holed up in their barn and they mistake him for Jesus. “Hey – he’s come back! “ “Who has?” “Jesus. He’s come back.” “Gerroff you softie, course he hasn’t!”

6) The mother’s song in The Godfather’s wedding scene – always brings tears to my eyes, not because of any mafia stuff but because here’s a culture where everyone can do a turn, everyone knows a whole bunch of songs and dances, young and old, however horrible and patriarchal it was, it kind of works and there it is right in front of you. She gets dragged protesting to the mike and then she gets right into belting out this corny Italian number. Brilliant.

7) I got you Babe in Groundhog Day. I got you Babe in Groundhog Day. I got you Babe in Groundhog Day. I got you Babe in Groundhog Day.

8) The Nazi youth who gets up at an outdoor beer-garden in Cabaret and sings “Tomorrow Belongs to Me” – such a sweet voice, such brilliant use of irony, foreshadowing, what have you. It chills me every time.

[Andy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I picked this up in the new mega cheap superstore book shop that opened in CHCH last year (an entire warehouse full of books and barely anything worth reading) and have been dipping in and out ever since. It reminds me of an old girlfriend, or more specifically her parents house, or even more specifically their downstairs toilet.

Her parents had this great, huge house converted from an old playschool with multiple floors, nooks, crannies and a great downstairs toliet. It was hidden away back under the main staircase, nicely lit with a small window, tasteful decor and enough space to make it feel you weren't sitting in a portaloo, lithographs of E.H. Shepard's Winnie the Pooh illustrations on the wall and a little windowsill book shelf. Basically the perfect toilet for reading. I remember there were the usual quote books, life advice texts and a battered copy of the diaries of Samuel Pepys (my personal favourite). It probably say more that I miss that perfect little toilet than the girl. Anyway...

A collection of lists relating to movies from the obvious to the funny, bizarre and frequently annoying. Like all lists, you will rarely agree with the personal opinions expressed, ranting and raving with the blatent ommisions, frequent movie elitism and poncy superiority present. But that's part of the fun. Mostly interesting, occasionally skipable and probably not recommended for reading straight through. Hence, perfect for a nice little downstairs toliet to dip in and out of. Probably also good for drunken nights with movie loving mates to kick start some fights.

[Jill H. · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had fun with this book of alternative movie lists. The title is derived from the first (and last) date that Robert De Niro has with Cybil Sheppard in the film Taxi Driver when he takes her to a porn film. This is not your typical lists of best films, best actors, etc. etc. but instead off-beat and humorous topics in film, many of which you have seen and some you have not. They range from "10 Worst Toupees/Wigs" to "10 Best Twist Endings" to "10 Best Use of Steps or Staircases", etc. This is a book to be read at leisure. You might not agree with all that is included in some of the lists (I thought Sean Connery as James Bond should have been on the "bad toupee" list) but overall it is really a light and enjoyable read, even if you are not a film buff.

[Lisa · Rating 2 out of 5]

I thought I was going to love this book, but you need to be a serious movie buff to know 95% of the movies on the lists! I felt like I did more skimming for titles I actually recognized than I did reading. Glad I paid the clearance price for it.

[Woodge · Rating 4 out of 5]

A movie list book is usually not my thing. This book was a gift. But then I opened it at random and started idly reading and kept going back to it until I'd finished the whole book in a week. The lists are unusual, witty, informative, and naturally have plenty of room for argument. These top 10 lists are backed up by commentary on why the movie in question was included and lets you know some of which are intentionally excluded and why. Lists include such stuff as 10 Worst Wigs an Actor Dared to Wear, 10 Gratuitous Machine-Gun Frenzies (I'd seen number 1 thru 8), 10 Best Uses of Poetry in Film, best endings, best opening credits, best use of food, 10 best Coen Brothers minor characters... topics were mercurial and wide-ranging. I've added some films to my to-see list and some to my to-see-again list. Good book for cinephiles.

[Mark · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book as is the subtitle warns us - a book of alternative movie lists. This would be great if (a) the writing didn't vary wildly in quality from film critic to film critic, and (b) I'd heard of half of the films. (There's a fascination with foreign film that I understand intellectually but am not actually interested in seeing.)

A nice book for cinephiles...

[Vanessa · Rating 3 out of 5]

While I enjoyed the oddball lists in this lengthy book (the titular DeNiro list, 10 Gratuitous Uses of Sex and Nudity by Paul Verhoeven, 10 Great Uses of Poetry in Movies), I ran out of steam near the end. Like most list compilations, this would be a great book to pull off the shelf and read occasionally, but not to try to barrel through. It was published in the UK, which explains the particularly British brand of pomposity from a few of the contributors-in the preface where all of the writers list their favorite films, one chooses the 1895 opus La Sortie des Usines Lumiere. (This is one of the very first films ever made; it’s choppy b&w footage of workers exiting a factory, and it’s less than a minute long. Give me une break, dude.)

It also explains why some of the choices will seem hopelessly obscure to American readers. For example, the list on great animal performances includes...the donkey from the 1970's Italian religious film The Tree of Wooden Clogs. Uhhhh? No For the Love of Benji?

All snarking aside, I did learn some interesting film trivia and the list "10 Bad Films That Are Actually Terrific" completely won me over by naming Tough Guys Don't Dance, a film that probably was sunk by haters of Norman Mailer and Ryan O'Neal (no small demographic.) Genuine film directors like Mike Figgis and Steven Soderbergh pop up to offer their opinions. And I also found some films to add to my viewing queue (Red Road, Julien Donkey-Boy, Simon of the Desert.) In case you were curious, the Catholic clog movie did not make the cut.

[KennyO · Rating 4 out of 5]

Here's a fun way to peruse those movies you may not have seen but you know that the movie cognoscenti insist you should have seen. It's arbitrarily arranged and comes from many contributors. There are lists of ten movies in dozens of "categories," many that hadn't occurred to me. Some of what's here is not at all interesting and it's not a cover to cover read by any means but it is a book to keep handy and peruse when you're just whiling away a bit of time and wondering why Netflix doesn't have available what you want to see. I found a few that I'd not thought of in years so I'll probably seek them and watch them.

Two observations are germane. First, the list topics are likely to be more interesting to many people than the list contents. Second, "plangent" is a word more often used here than anywhere else in my sixty-plus years of reading.

Best of all, you don't need to be a movie buff to enjoy this a lot.

[Dave · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am naturally a list-reader. I make lists too, when the occasion warrants, but I like reading a good list just as much as making a good list. Not all the movie lists in this book are great, but there are enough lists and enough films covered to make it very enjoyable. And, since there's no plot to follow, there's no guilt in skipping a list that doesn't look interesting, or only reading the paragraphs about movies you've heard of in a list. This may reveal more about my personal habits than I'd like, but I should mention that I read almost all of the parts I read on the toilet. Now you know.

Be forewarned: it is impossible to read this without adding a bunch of movies to your Netflix queue. Seriously, unless you've seen them all, at least add one from the "10 Best Gangster Deaths" list.

[Tom Fuchs]

Can't really say that it provokes conversation or discussion, considering it would be rather one-sided, me yelling at a book, but I still enjoyed the lists. Not entirely because I found myself frequently disagreeing with the curt one-sentence dismissals of good films. To provide an example: one of the final lists reveals that its author disliked the final entry in the Lord of the Rings trilogy and its myriad endings in its prologue and then goes on to say that the original Taking of Pelham One Two Three is mediocre? FUCK. THAT. NOISE. Again, didn't actually argue with the inanimate object, but it stirred up my arguin' loins and that I cannot argue with.

[Donna Jo Atwood · Rating 3 out of 5]

Essentially a book of lists of movies--usually 10 to a list--covering a range of topics (10 movies that scarred me for live as a child or 10 great films watched by characters in films to 10 Gratuitous Machine-Gun Frenzies or 10 Sining Examples of Notable Nail Varnish.)
I read more about movies I never see, so I'm not much of a judge, but this is fun to see some of the line-ups. And who knows-- it may inspire me to see a movie.
What's your own off-beat category of films you've seen?

[bigmuzz]

very interesting and a great conversation starter, as all good "List Books" should be. a lot of very random and varied topics make for lists on subjects you haven't seen or thought about before. although i didn't know many of the older, more 'arty' movies included in many of these lists, the descriptions and arguments for inclusion were still very informative and interesting. an easy read that can be interactive if you try and guess which films will be on which lists

[Alli Hartley · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of the most delightfully pretentious books of lists you'll ever encounter. What's great about this book is that it introduces you to films you would never have otherwise heard of, while couching them all in the most bizarre groupings, The Coen Brothers entry, films that should be remade, is particularly funny.

[Matt · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fun, insightful, fruitful (in the thoughty way), inspiring (in the geeky way), useful, handy...a neat little celebration of good bad and not-horrible-exactly-but-if-you-see-it-the-right-way-pretty-goshdarn-wonderful films. Definitely recommended!

[Jen · Rating 4 out of 5]

someday i will have a bathroom big enough for a bookshelf. this is the perfect book for that shelf. although i haven't seen most of the movies listed in the lists, it has a lot of intersting topics and easy to just flip around and read a few pages at a time.

[Matt]

Enjoying it thus far. Was initially kind of disappointed that it was primarily composed of lists by British film critics that I'm unfamiliar with, but I got over that pretty fast. Quality writing, entertaining film info.

[Len or Len · Rating 3 out of 5]

Don't let the wacky title fool you, this book of movie lists is more for the serious student of film. I liked it, but there was a good amount that referenced movies I've never seen or heard of and I've seen a ton of movies.

[Phil Overeem]

My sweetheart used a fraction of her gift card to get me this, which was on sale at B&N. A great bathroom book full of movie lists (w/commentary), much by film folks themselves...like the Coens, Mike Figgis, and Stephen Soderberg.

[James · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the way to do a book of lists -- like the good ol' '70s Books of Lists. Not just compilations -- each list is the vehicle for commentary, and insight into the filmgoing profile of its contributor. They're not all gems, but it's a fun collection.

[Mick Meyers · Rating 3 out of 5]

A book of alternative lists from the usual to the obscure.the films are critiqued by various film critics but done in a way as not to malign them to much.some films deserve their categories others give vent for debate.a nice pick up and put down book.

[Mark · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am a sucker for a books of lists, so I really liked this book. I had not heard of a lot of the movies referenced in this book, so I will use the book to add to my Netflix list.

[Charles · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very satisfying--that is, sure to spawn rounds of mirth, angst, and soul-searching--for film geeks...

[Trudi · Rating 2 out of 5]

Too much film critic, not enough film fan.

[Charli · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fun lists. Bonus points for including one of my favorite overlooked movies of all time: Times Square.

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Too bad I don't have a DVD shelf - I found soooo many movies that I want to watch. Guess that's what Netflix is for.

[Ed]

A book of movie lists, very literate, very clever. Recommended for browsing or reading, for making connections.

[Jake · Rating 3 out of 5]

Had some good recommendations. Nothing exciting. Dunno if it was worth the price.

[Jeff Morris Jr. · Rating 4 out of 5]

Purchase this book and keep it forever – the most useful film resource I've ever encountered. Your Netflix queue will never be the same.

[Klay Kubiak · Rating 3 out of 5]

A very quick and interesting read. basically it's a compilation of random movie lists, and they're pretty enlightening and fun to read; particularly the Coen's list of movies that should be re-made.

[Justin · Rating 2 out of 5]

There's a lot of movies out there I have not seen. This book puts an interesting twist on lists and helped me add a few more movies to my "To See" list.