We Thought You Would Be Prettier: True Tales of the Dorkiest Girl Alive

by Laurie Notaro

She thought she’d have more time. Laurie Notaro figured she had at least a few good years left. But no–it’s happened. She has officially lost her marbles. From the kid at the pet-food store checkout line whose coif is so bizarre it makes her seethe “I’m going to kick his hair’s ass!” to the hapless Sears customer-service rep on the receiving end of her Campaign of Terror, no one is safe from Laurie’s wrath. Her cranky side seems to have eaten the rest of her–inner-thigh Chub Rub and all. And the results are breathtaking. Her riffs on e-mail spam (“With all of these irresistible offers served up to me on a plate, I WANT A PENIS NOW!!”), eBay (“There should be an eBay wading pool, where you can only bid on Precious Moments figurines and Avon products, that you have to make it through before jumping into the deep end”), and the perils of St. Patrick’s Day (“When I’m driving, the last thing I need is a herd of inebriates darting in and out of traffic like loaded chickens”) are the stuff of legend. And for Laurie, it’s all true.From the Trade Paperback edition.

Genres: Humor, Nonfiction, Memoir, Essays, Chick Lit, Comedy, Short Stories

240 pages, Kindle Edition

First published April 19, 2005

About the author

Laurie Notaro is a New York Times best-selling American writer.

Reviews

[Kathleen · Rating 4 out of 5]

The most important thing I learned from this book was that when you order a book from the library it's important to remember the title of the book you requested. That way when they call and you go to pick up your book you won't be insulted when the librarian says to you.."we thought you would be prettier" he was afterall merely reading off the title of the book and not expressing his disappointment.

This was my favorite book of hers that I've read. Just funny stories written by a sarcastic woman. So different than the people I surround myself with!!

[Melissa · Rating 1 out of 5]

I thought it would be funnier...

I was so excited to read this one, which makes the disappointment that much worse. I actually paid (gasp!) retail for it.

Comedy is at its best when it's effortless, and the author here is clearly trying too hard. Every time I found myself on the verge of laughter, she would continue just a step too far.

And sorry, but I did not enjoy all of the hating on skinny girls. Especially when I can't find anything in my size because the clothing lines I can afford label their size 16s size 0s so that fat women will get excited and buy them. Boo hoo, you can't find a $600 blouse in your size. I might not have minded so much if it had at least been well written.

[T · Rating 1 out of 5]

Went camping and found it in a washroom, Kind of ironic because it was a piece of crap. Can Laurie Notaro please say "i find myself way more amusing than anyone else does". I did suck it up until 27 pages remained and then decided i would rather stab myself in the eyes then finish what little was left! Whine, whine, whine!

[Kim · Rating 5 out of 5]

Comdy about an every day woman and all her hang ups in her life . She make bad judgements sometimes but who doesn't . This book had me laughing out loud a great read.

[Christy Stewart · Rating 2 out of 5]

The book banks on it's ability to amuse but if you look closely at the end of each sentence there is a tiny image of Porky Pig saying "That's all folks!"

[Sara · Rating 1 out of 5]

I found this mean spirited rather than funny.

[Angela Kendrick · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this via audiobook, and I think that might have made it better for me than some others that were less favorable in their reviews. Listening to the voice actor deliver several hours of sarcasm is probably more enjoyable than reading it because to me it was like getting together with an amusing friend who was way too honest with me. And that's what I enjoyed.

Does it paint the author in the best light, no, not in the least. Does she touch on things I should think carefully about, yes. Does she deal with those issues head on, no -- it is comedy, not social commentary. Do I think this is a literal accounting of her actual opinions and life, no. Stories are best when embellished a bit, and I can only assume there has been some of that here. In fact, for her sake, I really hope so.

I know I'm not the best example of human, and none of my friends are either. We are all flawed, and Laurie put all of her opinions and flaws on display, including the ones that aren't particularly popular. I don't always agree with her reactions, behaviors, and statements, but I don't have to just to enjoy the book. Humans are meant to be different. Good humans can enjoy those differences.

If you can't find the humor in it because it doesn't line up with your worldview, so be it. That's the only thing that ties all art together: all of it will be hated by someone at some point.

But I thought it was humorous anyway.

[Rebecca · Rating 2 out of 5]

Ms. Notaro is fun to read because she is openly mean and selfish, traits within all of us no matter how we try to disguise them. Reading her book is like watching a car wreck; it isn't GOOD, but you think, "Thank goodness that isn't me!" That being said, I didn't find the book to be interesting or memorable. Sure, I can identify with fat ankles and calves, and having too many books in the house (we fight over my books and his stereo equipment), and even finding a mouse (although ours was a cockroach), but just because I can identify with it doesn't make it funny. There are authors whom I don't identify with at all, like Augusten Burroughs and David Sedaris (I'm not male or gay, nor do I have a history of drug abuse or particularly crazy family dynamics) but I enjoyed their books, because they move beyond admitting their foibles, and actually embrace them and make them into satire. Ms. Notaro almost gets there, but not quite, leaving her stories pithy rather than endearing.

[Punk · Rating 3 out of 5]

Non-Fiction, Short Stories. I wouldn't call Notaro the dorkiest girl alive, but she has her moments. These are just short little snapshots: the giant rat haunting her kitchen, a few minutes spent searching for her drunken husband in a mass of St. Patrick's Day partiers, her strange obsession with the guy who works at the pet food store. Notaro herself is sort of all over the place -- aren't we all, even if it's just in the privacy of our own heads? -- but she's also more or less equally sarcastic and sympathetic, and her writing is smart, breezy, and familiar, like reading someone's journal. There was one story, The Midas Touch, that totally baffled me in the concluding paragraphs, and took some hard minutes of thinking before I figured out what she was trying to say, but I'm willing to pass that off as a fluke because the rest of the book is very easy to read.

[Sara · Rating 1 out of 5]

This was my second Notaro book, and I have realized that I just don't care for her style. There are so many essays in this book that I should have found funny, but I just... didn't. Is it Notaro's choice of vocabulary? Her sentence structure? Her obsession with her "fatness?" (Size 14 is NOT huge.) The simile abuse? I'm not quite sure, but whatever it is, it's not working for me. The book was short (I read it in an afternoon), so I did go ahead and finish it, although my eyes were glazing over by the end.

[Ashley · Rating 1 out of 5]

Ugh... this woman. TERRIBLE! It wouldn't have been such a bad book if she wasn't such a b*tch! I couldn't believe I was reading someone's book that was that nasty and negative. So judgmental and rude. I don't recommend this book to anyone, ever.

There were parts where I laughed when she wasn't being a complete asshat, but those were extremely far and few between.

And please, size 14 is not THAT big! Don't act like your a whale because that makes anyone larger than you, which is a huge group of people I'm sure, feel completely shitty about themselves!

Books needs to be burned.

[Traci · Rating 4 out of 5]

The subtitle says it all - "True Tales of the Dorkiest Girl Alive". I thought that was me, but after reading Notaro's tales of everyday life, I have to say she's got the crown. Laurie is back with tales of her day-to-day struggle through life, and she's funnier than ever.

Witness "I'm Gonna Kick Your Ass", which is said not to a person, but to his hair. The completely weenie-ass kid at the pet food store, the one who can barely lift a 20 lb bag of dog food into Laurie's cart, has Flippy Hair. Yes, the hair that every girl in the 70s wanted to have - desperately. Laurie is so entranced by this kid's hair that she actually threatens the hair (under her breath, of course). When her hubby demands to see this guy and the damn Flippy Hair, things take an even stranger turn... Never underestimate the power of a good 'do.

I also give her a big "Hell Yeah!" for "Attack of the XL Girl". Laurie is confronted with fat discrimination when shopping with her cute friend in several boutiques. Yeah, fat discrimination - not because they won't wait on her but because these lame-ass stores don't carry anything larger than an 8. Maybe a 10, if you're lucky. Considering that Notaro wears - gasp! - a 14, which is evidently way too fat to shop in said stores. As Notaro points out to several sales clerks, a 14 is pretty much the AVERAGE size of the American female. Even worse? Some stores did have her size, but they kept them stowed away in a back room of the store, much too embarassed that there might be clients that size. I was right there with her in my outrage. I'm sorry, but considering anything about an 8 to be "plus-size" is just evil. If you're going to market your clothing that way, put something on the damn sign outside - "Fashions for the Painfully Thin" or "Clothes for the Very Trim".

The best one of all, though, has to be "Curse of the Squinky Eye". Never heard of the Squinky Eye? I bet you've had one before. Really, you have! Ever have one of your eyelids start twiching on you, sort of spasmodically, not really enough to be noticeable but enough to drive you nuts? Yeah, you've had the Squinky Eye!

Do yourself a favor and find this book, along with the others by Notaro. You won't be sorry!

[Kerry · Rating 4 out of 5]

I know, doesn't seem Like my stereotypical book right? But really when am I ever stereotypical? Other than my collection of cats and Ani DiFranco albums. Then again my mind needs a nice easy read now and then. I have to admit most female humor writers drive me insane. Too whiny & annoying about all the problems that beget us women. (I have no idea why so many hoo-has are crying these days but maybe a case study should be done).

Notaro, however is like the domesticated Chelsea Handler. Which I will say I am a bit jealous that Chelsea and Co. get to say all the crude inappropriate things that I do but get paid millions to do so. Shite. There goes MY crying hoo-ha....

Digressing, Notaro has a natural flair for telling stories that I love. Bc comedy is everywhere in everyday life but only so many people can see that with the ability to point it out for the everyman. That being said sometimes we say such things in offensive ways... fine, fine, fine... I ALWAYS say things in an offensive manner.

Regardless, I love how she writes and how quickly you breeze through her books. And the fact that she writes about my old Tempe/Phoenix stomping grounds doesn't hurt either. Play on Notaro, play on... though now that she's moved to Portland I expect some epic tales of ass expansion from 3 a.m. trips to Voodoo Donuts and singing karaoke with trannies at Suki's... Or maybe those are my tales to tell...

[Lain · Rating 3 out of 5]

A self-proclaimed cranky lady, Notaro takes on Stupid Hair, book tours, and more in this collection of essays. I enjoyed many of her rants (who can't identify with those "idiot" moments, like leaving your wallet in a taxi or locking yourself outside?). But after 100 pages, I got tired. Very, very tired. While she has an acerbic wit she doesn't hesitate to turn on anyone (including herself), Notaro has no finesse. Everything is a baseball bat, even when a fly swatter would do. By the end of the book, I felt like I'd spent four hours stuck in an elevator with Sam Kennison. Maybe as Notaro matures, she'll learn that she really is funny -- she doesn't need a blowhorn to tell us so.

[LibraryCin · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a book of "essays" where there author is recounting some of the humourous moments in her life, starting with her panic when she lost her passport/money/id/everything in New York City on the first stop of her book tour to the painting class where she had to paint someone in the nude. And all kinds of stuff in between - shopping with her best friend, all kinds of family stuff, and more.

This is the first book I've read by Notaro and I will be reading more! She is funny! I was often laughing out loud, luckily mostly at home, rather than on public transit. It was a fast, fun read.

[Julie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Another hilarious book by Notaro. This is her 4th novel and I have loved every single one of the them. I think she really hit her stride with the Fat Bride book, but this one was definitely still great. It is basically a book filled with little vignettes from her life that absolutely crack me up. In many of the stories I completely feel like I can relate and that I have definitely been there....especially her story about going to the bathroom in public places! (read it to find out) I highly recommend all her novels to all the ladies out there.

[Sarah · Rating 2 out of 5]

i was disappointed. okay, i had no idea who this author was or what her style was, so perhaps that was why. i was expecting stories about a bad childhood, stupid things that happened to her, etc. instead, it was just like seinfeld, dooce, shenuts, and every other blog. ‘ebay should have training wheels’ shit like that.
the last few chapters were okay, and i laughed out loud twice during them.
but overall, i’m sad that i spent the money on this book. just not what i was expecting nor what i wanted to read.

[Katherine · Rating 3 out of 5]

This author reminds me of the kind of writer I would like to be, which is basically using my real life as a source of imagination and chick lit creativity. I liked the idea of a collection of short stories, made it feel faster to read. There were definitely stories that made me laugh more than others. It took me a while to get into it though. I felt like I had to get to know her a little bit to really get her sense of humor.

[Tami · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of THE funniest books I have ever read. Laurie makes fun of herself at length in this "memoir" and describes what about 85% of us women endure as well. I found myself often nodding and agreeing with her... saying "that happened to me!" or "uh huh, I know exactly what you mean". Her short chapters get increasingly funny and leave you with tears in your eyes from laughing so hard.

If I want a light-hearted read I go for Laurie Notaro every time, (or Janet Evanovitch.

[Amanda Willbee · Rating 1 out of 5]

If you like books that contain sentence after sentence jam-packed with metaphors, this book is for you. (Some single sentences ACTUALLY contain TWO metaphors!)

I read somewhere that Notaro's books are written with "acerbic wit"... huh? In my opinion, her words feel labored and inauthentic, robbing her stories of any endearing qualities. Remember the old "Kathy" comics? That's what this book reminded me of, which is why I only got half-way through before abandoning it out of sheer annoyance.

[Kylara Jensen · Rating 2 out of 5]

although at times mildly funny, it was also at times mildly offensive, mildly boring and mildly horrifying (omg that wasp in the ear part!)

The author makes herself seem fat and gross but I googled her and she lobbed normal. Size 14 is not fat and I get what she was trying to say, but I didn't like the way she said it.

I enjoyed hearing her talk about living in Az. I wanted more of that.

Mostly it just didn't hold up as any kind of humorous or well written book.

[Robin · Rating 1 out of 5]

There are 3 choices here... either this author is not funny, she had a tight deadline, or my life is WAY funnier than I thought! As others have said, her writing seemed very forced. Comedy is best when expressed in an effortless manner. I always try to push through frustrations with books, but could only reach ~page 120 in this one.

[Nor Finn · Rating 1 out of 5]

So far I am not impressed. Not at all what I expected from looking at the fun cover art. Thought it would be way cooler not some middle aged lame-attempt at humor with too much pop reference. I might not be able to get half way thru this one...Nope only got to like page 40. Done. Hated it.

[Kimberly Owen · Rating 1 out of 5]

Terrible. I'm surprised the Goodreads rating isn't lower. The author made herself the most unlikable person and every story feels forced and exaggerated. The Miami herald touting the author as "the funniest writer in the solar system" on the back cover is probably the funniest thing about this whole book.

[Tracy · Rating 2 out of 5]

A book of short stories that all ended with a sentence or two that tried way too hard to make the reader laugh. I think I may have enjoyed this book better if I didn't open it after finishing How did you get this number? This book just can't compare.

[Bunny · Rating 1 out of 5]

"Oh, my god, Laurie. You're so funny. Ha ha ha, oh, Laurie. You should write a book."

This author's friends/family/random strangers on the bus need to stop telling her she's funny. It's given her the false idea that she is funny. Maybe if everyone stops lying to her, she'll stop.

[Michelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

Loved it... Laurie Notaro can always make me giggle, snort and snicker. I rate humor books based on how often my husband or children give me crazy looks as I'm laughing my butt off while reading.

[Brenda Marie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book did have a lot of laugh out loud funny moments, and a lot of relatable ones as well since it was written by a fellow Gen Xer from Phoenix. I imagine if it had been written more recently, it would not have had so many jaw-dropping politically incorrect moments. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt based on when it was written, but I was disappointed by the constant labeling and name calling of people who are already othered by society. 3.5 stars.

[ANITA JACKSON · Rating 5 out of 5]

Funny, funny, funny.

[Robin · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a really fun book. I picked it up initially because I enjoyed her first book so much (The Idiot Girls' Action Adventure Club, during the reading of which I burst out laughing while on an airplane and felt like an idiot). This is her fourth book now, I think. Still funny, but there were also a couple vignettes that were a little more serious— same humor, but she tackles more mature issues (like moving her grandmother from the house she's lived in all of Laurie's life, a favorite bar of her youth closing down and thus marking the end of an era that she discovers really ended long ago). It was a refreshing read for me.