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Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto
Named a Most Anticipated LGBTQ+ Book of the Year by Buzzfeed
"Zachary Zane is one of the best sex writers working today."—DAN SAVAGE
A sex and relationship columnist bares it all in a series of essays—part memoir, part manifesto—that explore the author’s coming-of-age and coming out as a bisexual man and move toward embracing and celebrating sex unencumbered by shame
As a boy, Zachary Zane sensed that all was not right when images of his therapist naked popped into his head. Without an explanation as to why, a deep sense of shame pervaded these thoughts. Though his therapist assured him a little imagination was nothing to be ashamed of, over the years, society told him otherwise.
Boyslut is a series of personal and tantalizing essays that articulate how our society still shames people for the sex that they have and the sexualities that they inhabit. Through the lens of his bisexuality and much self-described sluttiness, Zane breaks down exactly how this sexual shame negatively impacts the sex and relationships in our lives, and through personal experience, shares how we can unlearn the harmful, entrenched messages that society imparts to us.
From stories of drug-fueled threesomes and risqué Grindr hookups to insights on dealing with rejection and living with his boyfriend and his wife, Boyslut is reassuring and often painfully funny—but is most potently a testimony that we can all learn to live healthier lives unburdened by stigma.
"Zachary Zane is one of the best sex writers working today."—DAN SAVAGE
A sex and relationship columnist bares it all in a series of essays—part memoir, part manifesto—that explore the author’s coming-of-age and coming out as a bisexual man and move toward embracing and celebrating sex unencumbered by shame
As a boy, Zachary Zane sensed that all was not right when images of his therapist naked popped into his head. Without an explanation as to why, a deep sense of shame pervaded these thoughts. Though his therapist assured him a little imagination was nothing to be ashamed of, over the years, society told him otherwise.
Boyslut is a series of personal and tantalizing essays that articulate how our society still shames people for the sex that they have and the sexualities that they inhabit. Through the lens of his bisexuality and much self-described sluttiness, Zane breaks down exactly how this sexual shame negatively impacts the sex and relationships in our lives, and through personal experience, shares how we can unlearn the harmful, entrenched messages that society imparts to us.
From stories of drug-fueled threesomes and risqué Grindr hookups to insights on dealing with rejection and living with his boyfriend and his wife, Boyslut is reassuring and often painfully funny—but is most potently a testimony that we can all learn to live healthier lives unburdened by stigma.
240 pages, Kindle Edition
First published May 9, 2023
299 people are currently reading
6294 people want to read
About the author
Zachary Zane
2 books70 followersZachary Zane is a Brooklyn-based columnist, sex expert, and activist whose work focuses on sexuality, culture, and the LGBTQ community. He is the author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto and co-author of Men’s Health: Best. Sex. Ever.
He currently has two columns: “Sexplain It,” the sex and relationship advice column at Men’s Health, and “Navigating Non-Monogamy” at Cosmopolitan, where he shares all the mistakes he’s made in his polyamory journey so you don’t have to.
He is also the founder and editor-in-chief of Boyslut zine, which publishes real sex stories from kinksters worldwide. His work has been published in The New York Times, Rolling Stone, The Washington Post, GQ, Playboy, Slate, Cosmo, Bustle, VICE, NBC, Dazed, The Daily Beast, and many others.
He was formerly a digital associate editor at OUT Magazine and a contributing editor at Pride.com, Plus Magazine, and The Advocate Magazine.
As a leading bisexual activist, Zane has spoken across the country at universities and panels alike, discussing issues pertaining to the bisexual community, sex-positivity, and ethical non-monogamy.
He attended the "Bisexual White House Briefing" at the White House (under Obama) and has been featured as an expert on a number of podcasts, including "The Savage Lovecast" and “Whoreible Decisions.”
He currently has two columns: “Sexplain It,” the sex and relationship advice column at Men’s Health, and “Navigating Non-Monogamy” at Cosmopolitan, where he shares all the mistakes he’s made in his polyamory journey so you don’t have to.
He is also the founder and editor-in-chief of Boyslut zine, which publishes real sex stories from kinksters worldwide. His work has been published in The New York Times, Rolling Stone, The Washington Post, GQ, Playboy, Slate, Cosmo, Bustle, VICE, NBC, Dazed, The Daily Beast, and many others.
He was formerly a digital associate editor at OUT Magazine and a contributing editor at Pride.com, Plus Magazine, and The Advocate Magazine.
As a leading bisexual activist, Zane has spoken across the country at universities and panels alike, discussing issues pertaining to the bisexual community, sex-positivity, and ethical non-monogamy.
He attended the "Bisexual White House Briefing" at the White House (under Obama) and has been featured as an expert on a number of podcasts, including "The Savage Lovecast" and “Whoreible Decisions.”
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 371 reviews
November 15, 2022
A potentially valuable book that significantly undermines its own value.
Of course sexual shame is as pervasive and as damaging as Zane argues, and much of the information and advice here seems likely to benefit people who take it to heart. Most people probably know at least one man who suffers from “normative male alexithymia,” for example – the problem of not recognizing and being able to express one’s own feelings – and simply having that problem identified might start the process of undoing it. And practically everyone in the world would, in my opinion as well as Zane’s, be a lot happier if we could talk about sex as openly as we talk about, say, tastes in food, or how to cook a particular dish. I agree, too, that sexual shaming is destructive. Plenty of people need to hear that there’s nothing wrong with their fantasies or with their (consensual) sex of any variety.
Three aspects of this book undermine its messages and its value. One is technical: incompetent editing. Whoever prepared this manuscript doesn’t know how “blond” and “blonde” work, or how many exclamation points is too damn many, or how to use hyphens, for starters; also, overall the prose needs tightening up.
The other two aspects are substantive. (1) I agree with Zane’s general point that in principle there’s nothing wrong with depictions of explicit sex, either written or visual. But labor conditions for sex workers are generally suboptimal, and to leave that unacknowledged and unaddressed strikes me as careless, as in uncaring. It wouldn’t have gone amiss to offer tips for how to identify porn producers who treat their actors well, for example.
(2) Zane takes a cavalier attitude toward antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea. This is inexcusable. Gonorrhea has already become resistant to one class of antibiotics, and every avoidable infection now being treated with cephalosporins represents another tiny increment toward resistance to those as well. I’m sorry Zane has a hard time coming with a condom on, but them’s the breaks if he wants to behave responsibly, not only toward his partners but also toward readers of his advice column and of this book.
Of course sexual shame is as pervasive and as damaging as Zane argues, and much of the information and advice here seems likely to benefit people who take it to heart. Most people probably know at least one man who suffers from “normative male alexithymia,” for example – the problem of not recognizing and being able to express one’s own feelings – and simply having that problem identified might start the process of undoing it. And practically everyone in the world would, in my opinion as well as Zane’s, be a lot happier if we could talk about sex as openly as we talk about, say, tastes in food, or how to cook a particular dish. I agree, too, that sexual shaming is destructive. Plenty of people need to hear that there’s nothing wrong with their fantasies or with their (consensual) sex of any variety.
Three aspects of this book undermine its messages and its value. One is technical: incompetent editing. Whoever prepared this manuscript doesn’t know how “blond” and “blonde” work, or how many exclamation points is too damn many, or how to use hyphens, for starters; also, overall the prose needs tightening up.
The other two aspects are substantive. (1) I agree with Zane’s general point that in principle there’s nothing wrong with depictions of explicit sex, either written or visual. But labor conditions for sex workers are generally suboptimal, and to leave that unacknowledged and unaddressed strikes me as careless, as in uncaring. It wouldn’t have gone amiss to offer tips for how to identify porn producers who treat their actors well, for example.
(2) Zane takes a cavalier attitude toward antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea. This is inexcusable. Gonorrhea has already become resistant to one class of antibiotics, and every avoidable infection now being treated with cephalosporins represents another tiny increment toward resistance to those as well. I’m sorry Zane has a hard time coming with a condom on, but them’s the breaks if he wants to behave responsibly, not only toward his partners but also toward readers of his advice column and of this book.
May 29, 2023
This book went from a 5-stars to a 2-stars rather fast at the end.
Though I loved the entire book, telling people who struggle with their mental health that they shouldn’t burden their loved ones with it is just so wrong.
If you can’t rely on those who love you when you are struggling, then indeed, you might as well remain single. Making them feel wrong for needing help is a truly problematic message and stigma. Unless you are a psychologist, it isn’t your place to tell people how to deal with their mental struggles and dare tell them not to burden others with said struggles.
Honestly, I couldn’t finish the last chapter after that.
For that and telling people not to worry about STIs, this is a 2-stars for me.
Though I loved the entire book, telling people who struggle with their mental health that they shouldn’t burden their loved ones with it is just so wrong.
If you can’t rely on those who love you when you are struggling, then indeed, you might as well remain single. Making them feel wrong for needing help is a truly problematic message and stigma. Unless you are a psychologist, it isn’t your place to tell people how to deal with their mental struggles and dare tell them not to burden others with said struggles.
Honestly, I couldn’t finish the last chapter after that.
For that and telling people not to worry about STIs, this is a 2-stars for me.
December 7, 2023
Genuinely sad that I'm giving this book a two-star rating, but I feel it has to be done for reasons that will become clear later in this review. Boyslut seeks, as its tagline says, to be both a memoir of Zane's life while also acting as a manifesto to empower bisexual men to embrace their bisexuality. Zane is clear from the start that this empowerment and visibility is important because he never had access to out bi men when he was younger and it led to some of the negative experiences in his life. The book is divided into four sections, each with its own specific theme and message: Shame, Confusion, Security, and Pride.
Overall, the book feels shallow - like it has aimed for a goal it came just shy of achieving. Several of the discussions throughout the four sections could have been expanded to really hammer home messages or make insightful analyses. This, however, is not my main concern with the book. Instead, perhaps by being surface level, Boyslut might have a larger audience because of this as well as possibly provide entry-level education for folks who are not bisexual men yet find themselves reading the book.
Instead, my main problem with the book and the reason for its rating is due to the sharp decline in the final third. The book started fun, responsible, educational, and biographical, but changed to irresponsible, potentially damaging, and biographical at the end. The rest of this review will consist of one example which I've picked out to demonstrate this negative messaging.
There is an entire chapter discussing how STIs are no big deal and that while they aren't fun they ought not to be stigmatized. Because they ought not to be stigmatized, we shouldn't shame people for not wearing condoms. The defence presented is that we have medicines to treat and cure most STIs, after all, and the ones we can't cure we can manage such that folks have long and happy lives regardless. This then turns disparaging of healthcare professionals who just don't get it, referencing a nurse Nancy he was seeing at the clinic, because they aren't in the queer community.
As a bisexual healthcare professional, I want to go on record that there is a difference between shaming someone for having an STI (which I will agree is bad) and shaming someone for a cavalier nonchalance towards infections which are actively mutating to the point where we don't have effective treatments for those who do get infected, often from partners who themselves don't know they are infected because a test doesn't show positive yet. Even the one acknowledgement of antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea is flippantly dismissed with the reasoning "If (or when) we start to see major outbreaks of antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea, I'll start wrapping it up, but until then, I'm going to keep raw-dogging it" (160).
The answer to 'we don't yet see treatment-resistant X' shouldn't be 'so I'm not going to change until that happens'. Instead, our answer as responsible queer folks with even the slightest bit of health education should be 'so let's prevent it from ever getting that bad'.
Overall, the book feels shallow - like it has aimed for a goal it came just shy of achieving. Several of the discussions throughout the four sections could have been expanded to really hammer home messages or make insightful analyses. This, however, is not my main concern with the book. Instead, perhaps by being surface level, Boyslut might have a larger audience because of this as well as possibly provide entry-level education for folks who are not bisexual men yet find themselves reading the book.
Instead, my main problem with the book and the reason for its rating is due to the sharp decline in the final third. The book started fun, responsible, educational, and biographical, but changed to irresponsible, potentially damaging, and biographical at the end. The rest of this review will consist of one example which I've picked out to demonstrate this negative messaging.
There is an entire chapter discussing how STIs are no big deal and that while they aren't fun they ought not to be stigmatized. Because they ought not to be stigmatized, we shouldn't shame people for not wearing condoms. The defence presented is that we have medicines to treat and cure most STIs, after all, and the ones we can't cure we can manage such that folks have long and happy lives regardless. This then turns disparaging of healthcare professionals who just don't get it, referencing a nurse Nancy he was seeing at the clinic, because they aren't in the queer community.
As a bisexual healthcare professional, I want to go on record that there is a difference between shaming someone for having an STI (which I will agree is bad) and shaming someone for a cavalier nonchalance towards infections which are actively mutating to the point where we don't have effective treatments for those who do get infected, often from partners who themselves don't know they are infected because a test doesn't show positive yet. Even the one acknowledgement of antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea is flippantly dismissed with the reasoning "If (or when) we start to see major outbreaks of antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea, I'll start wrapping it up, but until then, I'm going to keep raw-dogging it" (160).
The answer to 'we don't yet see treatment-resistant X' shouldn't be 'so I'm not going to change until that happens'. Instead, our answer as responsible queer folks with even the slightest bit of health education should be 'so let's prevent it from ever getting that bad'.
June 8, 2023
I adore this book. Read it yesterday. Decided to read it again today, without distraction. I want to cement some of the topics into my long term memory banks.
I am not a card carring member of the community. But I am nosey! So it all started off with the Omegaverse court dispute. A fan fiction developed genre of writting. Then I was introduced to Slash Fiction. It's a North American reading sub-genre. If you are interested in manga. Well you already are in the know. About stories involving same sex couplings.
I didn't know that books that, I would have found in the Underground self publishing industry. Finally found its was into the mainstream market.
Now if you'll excuse me. I have to talk a library board into getting a few copies. At least make this book avaliable to young adults looking for their found family.
There are some awesome pointers on achieving that goal "safer. " That's all one can hope to accomplish.!
I am not a card carring member of the community. But I am nosey! So it all started off with the Omegaverse court dispute. A fan fiction developed genre of writting. Then I was introduced to Slash Fiction. It's a North American reading sub-genre. If you are interested in manga. Well you already are in the know. About stories involving same sex couplings.
I didn't know that books that, I would have found in the Underground self publishing industry. Finally found its was into the mainstream market.
Now if you'll excuse me. I have to talk a library board into getting a few copies. At least make this book avaliable to young adults looking for their found family.
There are some awesome pointers on achieving that goal "safer. " That's all one can hope to accomplish.!
August 20, 2023
I followed Zachary Zane on Twitter before that platform imploded and he left it, and of all the bisexual voices I followed on there, his was the most explicitly sexual and outrageous, so of course I loved it. I mean, he's called his memoir Boyslut hasn't he? So that gives you a flavor of what you're in for with this book, though tbh, there are far fewer descriptions of sexual encounters than you might assume. (Spoiler?) Instead, it's mostly about the importance of shamelessly claiming a bisexual identity, especially for men, and also shamelessly claiming what you want (and don't want) related to sex - lightly threaded through with Mr. Zane's personal journey in this territory.
I'm not one for memoir usually, though I found I could have used a bit more of his personal life in this book. He has anecdotes from his youth, teens and young adulthood, but given that he can't be much older than his early thirties, a memoir does seem a little, uh, preemptive. And while he shares about having OCD and of course his long process of figuring out his sexuality (not just bisexual but "fraysexual" - which was a new term for me - which essentially means you like to have sex with strangers but not romantic partners, if I'm getting it correct?) he casually mentions getting paid for sex but deigns to say any more about that type of encounter(s). I got the sense that a lot was being left out. Like, for example, anything deep about his relationships or about his emotional life beyond feelings of anxiety.
Still, he has an agenda, and tbh, I'm here for it. I agree that coming out as bisexual is often more difficult than coming out as gay or lesbian. I agree that bisexual men in particular still suffer from being "invisibilized" by broad swaths of people, even within the queer community. I agree that even though we're all "out and proud" now, there's still A LOT of shame around sex and hookup culture.
Zane definitely has strong opinions and he's not afraid to put them out there. I didn't agree with everything he stood for in the book (I believe his perspective on STIs will challenge a lot of people), but at least he's out there pushing envelopes, you know? I respect it. And his writing style is easy-breezy and conversational, quick to read.
I recommend it as a perspective - maybe an extreme one - on understanding current bisexual male culture. But I expect this to be a polarizing book. Still worth it though.
I'm not one for memoir usually, though I found I could have used a bit more of his personal life in this book. He has anecdotes from his youth, teens and young adulthood, but given that he can't be much older than his early thirties, a memoir does seem a little, uh, preemptive. And while he shares about having OCD and of course his long process of figuring out his sexuality (not just bisexual but "fraysexual" - which was a new term for me - which essentially means you like to have sex with strangers but not romantic partners, if I'm getting it correct?) he casually mentions getting paid for sex but deigns to say any more about that type of encounter(s). I got the sense that a lot was being left out. Like, for example, anything deep about his relationships or about his emotional life beyond feelings of anxiety.
Still, he has an agenda, and tbh, I'm here for it. I agree that coming out as bisexual is often more difficult than coming out as gay or lesbian. I agree that bisexual men in particular still suffer from being "invisibilized" by broad swaths of people, even within the queer community. I agree that even though we're all "out and proud" now, there's still A LOT of shame around sex and hookup culture.
Zane definitely has strong opinions and he's not afraid to put them out there. I didn't agree with everything he stood for in the book (I believe his perspective on STIs will challenge a lot of people), but at least he's out there pushing envelopes, you know? I respect it. And his writing style is easy-breezy and conversational, quick to read.
I recommend it as a perspective - maybe an extreme one - on understanding current bisexual male culture. But I expect this to be a polarizing book. Still worth it though.
November 29, 2022
**I received a digital arc of this book from the publisher, because I'm a librarian and librarians are awesome **
I do not want to sound like a "your kink is not okay person," because anything between two consenting adults, (or two consenting minors who are both in the same age bracket) is a-okay with me.
That said, this book was A Lot. I wanted to read it because of the bi male rep, and had not heard of or read Zachary Zane's sex column prior to requesting the title. Maybe if I had I would have gone in a little better prepared for what I was about to read. Like, I was expecting sex positivity, and instead got Full! Unbridled! Hedonism! In a way that almost made it seem if you are having what I would call textbook American sex life (monogamous, third date, occasional rando hookup, whatever) you're not really leaning in. It implied that all people want so much sex all the time and our repressed culture is PREVENTING THAT!!
As an a-spec person, I wanted to go around to everyone I know and ask really? Is that really how most people feel? (Especially bi and gay men?) Or is this sex columnist misrepresenting the mainstream population in favor of his manifesto?
I seriously delayed writing this review because I didn't want to seem judgy, and I know that I'm going to come across that way. There was a lot about this that was very enlightening. (Like, I knew about Grindr as a gay hook up app, but I didn't really realize the practical application of sex at your door in 9 minutes, over in 9 minutes).
I think the one thing that I vehemently disagreed with, from a public health standpoint, is his laissez-faire attitude toward STIs. (They're treatable! Just get treated for them and don't worry about protecting yourself!) But I really did like the way he communicated that people shouldn't feel shame for their desires, even the most out there ones, because as a whole I think that's a positive message.
As a whole, a fascinating book and a fast read, but also one that left me feeling like there is better sex positive messaging out there. As a memoir though, fairly entertaining, if completely beyond my depth.
I do not want to sound like a "your kink is not okay person," because anything between two consenting adults, (or two consenting minors who are both in the same age bracket) is a-okay with me.
That said, this book was A Lot. I wanted to read it because of the bi male rep, and had not heard of or read Zachary Zane's sex column prior to requesting the title. Maybe if I had I would have gone in a little better prepared for what I was about to read. Like, I was expecting sex positivity, and instead got Full! Unbridled! Hedonism! In a way that almost made it seem if you are having what I would call textbook American sex life (monogamous, third date, occasional rando hookup, whatever) you're not really leaning in. It implied that all people want so much sex all the time and our repressed culture is PREVENTING THAT!!
As an a-spec person, I wanted to go around to everyone I know and ask really? Is that really how most people feel? (Especially bi and gay men?) Or is this sex columnist misrepresenting the mainstream population in favor of his manifesto?
I seriously delayed writing this review because I didn't want to seem judgy, and I know that I'm going to come across that way. There was a lot about this that was very enlightening. (Like, I knew about Grindr as a gay hook up app, but I didn't really realize the practical application of sex at your door in 9 minutes, over in 9 minutes).
I think the one thing that I vehemently disagreed with, from a public health standpoint, is his laissez-faire attitude toward STIs. (They're treatable! Just get treated for them and don't worry about protecting yourself!) But I really did like the way he communicated that people shouldn't feel shame for their desires, even the most out there ones, because as a whole I think that's a positive message.
As a whole, a fascinating book and a fast read, but also one that left me feeling like there is better sex positive messaging out there. As a memoir though, fairly entertaining, if completely beyond my depth.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
July 26, 2024
Yikes. The whole 'STDs are treatable, therefore irrelevant' and 'if he can't deal with your mental issues, find someone who can', could have been unpacked a tad more delicately. There is little warmth in this book, or connection to Zane the person, just a dizzying parade of sex acts, kinks, acronyms, questionable behaviour, and some pretty one-sided advice. I would have valued this more if Zane had included alternative viewpoints from his interviews and writing.
Plus, do we really need a global awareness campaign for emetophilia, fraysexuality, and sploshing, among (many) others? One of the more interesting discussions revolves around how pervasive toxic masculinity is in the gay community itself, especially when it comes to non-binary and trans people.
So, all in all, a bit of a scattershot book. I do think it is a missed opportunity in that instead of being a general introduction to its main subject matter of fetishisation and its many forms (I am still unclear as to where Zane sees bisexuality on the kink spectrum), this is very in-your-face and not for the fainthearted. Unfortunately, as a result it might turn away a lot of curious people genuinely interested in the subject.
Plus, do we really need a global awareness campaign for emetophilia, fraysexuality, and sploshing, among (many) others? One of the more interesting discussions revolves around how pervasive toxic masculinity is in the gay community itself, especially when it comes to non-binary and trans people.
So, all in all, a bit of a scattershot book. I do think it is a missed opportunity in that instead of being a general introduction to its main subject matter of fetishisation and its many forms (I am still unclear as to where Zane sees bisexuality on the kink spectrum), this is very in-your-face and not for the fainthearted. Unfortunately, as a result it might turn away a lot of curious people genuinely interested in the subject.
June 8, 2023
I am not the audience for this book. First, I'm too old. Every sex positive person over thirty already knows what Zachary Zane is preaching, chapter and verse. Americans, to our fault, are the most sex-obsessed people in the world, and the fact that books like this still get published perplexes me. At this point, only the most sheltered kids don't know about sex and sexuality. Even enraged Christian evangelicals watch porn, and lots of it. Now that everyone has access to all the information they could ever want regarding sex, who else is there left to enlighten on this subject?
Second, Boyslut is yet another memoir/manifesto, like that awful All Boys Aren't Blue, that was written in a rush of synthetic, egocentric, Millennial/Gen Z blather. If you want to read porny micrononfiction about coked-out hooks up, have at it, this book is your jam. Otherwise, trust me, the author isn't telling you anything you don't already know.
Second, Boyslut is yet another memoir/manifesto, like that awful All Boys Aren't Blue, that was written in a rush of synthetic, egocentric, Millennial/Gen Z blather. If you want to read porny micrononfiction about coked-out hooks up, have at it, this book is your jam. Otherwise, trust me, the author isn't telling you anything you don't already know.
November 23, 2023
Firstly, I’m a huge proponent of reclaiming language meant to be negative and using it in empowering ways! So when we can take the word slut and own it and wear it as a badge or pride, I’m here for it. So, this title to me, is a huge win!
I definitely went into this memoir expecting mostly to have some fun reading about sexual exploits of a self proclaimed slut, but actually came away from it learning about more than I anticipated.
Do I agree with everything Zane has to say about sex here, absolutely not. But I also think he has a lot of great concepts and thoughts that are worth exploring. I worry that his cavalier attitude towards some things could be dangerous in the wrong mind, but I don’t believe that’s his job or duty to monitor. I think it’s powerful he’s found ways to chuck shame to the side and it’s worth reading and taking note of!
I am a little ashamed to admit this may be the first book I’ve read that focuses on bisexuality. I’ve read books with bisexual character or mentions of the sexuality, but never one so solely focused on it. I’m really happy I finally stumbled on this one. I fully admit some of the prejudices and thought patterns Zane mentions here, I’ve personally felt and done. I’ve questioned people and dismissed their bisexuality out right as simply “on their way to gay” Learning from firsthand experience how much this affects people of this sexuality was humbling. Learning about the discrimination and often times erasure the GAY community puts on bisexuals was alarming but eye opening I’m grateful for this insight and hope to be a better ally to bisexuals because of this book.
While the “slut” part of the memoir didn’t really shock me, I enjoyed the bluntness with which Zane talks about his sexuality and sexual experiences. I agree with his notion that being more open and honest about sex can lead to a less stigmatized world. However, I do wish Zane had maybe dived just a tad bit deeper on some of the subjects. There were parts of his story that he took time with and seemed to really show us the vulnerable process of it all and then others where his humor and bluntness sort of seemed almost to deflect from any real insight to what he was talking about.
Still, for being a memoir about being an unapologetic slut, there was far more vulnerability and impactful thoughts than maybe you’d expect.
I think this memoir might shock some people, based on even just the amount of people Zane has had sex with or without the orgies, sex parties, etc. Hopefully people can look beyond that shock and find some of the great things Zane has to say about Shame, polyamory, sex positivity, and more. If they can’t, then it’s still a fun and sexy book regardless
I definitely went into this memoir expecting mostly to have some fun reading about sexual exploits of a self proclaimed slut, but actually came away from it learning about more than I anticipated.
Do I agree with everything Zane has to say about sex here, absolutely not. But I also think he has a lot of great concepts and thoughts that are worth exploring. I worry that his cavalier attitude towards some things could be dangerous in the wrong mind, but I don’t believe that’s his job or duty to monitor. I think it’s powerful he’s found ways to chuck shame to the side and it’s worth reading and taking note of!
I am a little ashamed to admit this may be the first book I’ve read that focuses on bisexuality. I’ve read books with bisexual character or mentions of the sexuality, but never one so solely focused on it. I’m really happy I finally stumbled on this one. I fully admit some of the prejudices and thought patterns Zane mentions here, I’ve personally felt and done. I’ve questioned people and dismissed their bisexuality out right as simply “on their way to gay” Learning from firsthand experience how much this affects people of this sexuality was humbling. Learning about the discrimination and often times erasure the GAY community puts on bisexuals was alarming but eye opening I’m grateful for this insight and hope to be a better ally to bisexuals because of this book.
While the “slut” part of the memoir didn’t really shock me, I enjoyed the bluntness with which Zane talks about his sexuality and sexual experiences. I agree with his notion that being more open and honest about sex can lead to a less stigmatized world. However, I do wish Zane had maybe dived just a tad bit deeper on some of the subjects. There were parts of his story that he took time with and seemed to really show us the vulnerable process of it all and then others where his humor and bluntness sort of seemed almost to deflect from any real insight to what he was talking about.
Still, for being a memoir about being an unapologetic slut, there was far more vulnerability and impactful thoughts than maybe you’d expect.
I think this memoir might shock some people, based on even just the amount of people Zane has had sex with or without the orgies, sex parties, etc. Hopefully people can look beyond that shock and find some of the great things Zane has to say about Shame, polyamory, sex positivity, and more. If they can’t, then it’s still a fun and sexy book regardless
June 8, 2023
This was almost a 5* - I loved the sex positive representation and I think there should be so much more of this in mainstream media. The stories were fun and interesting, but then he started going on about how not wearing condoms is cool and part of the queer experience and that implying that getting STIs is just a badge of honour and I just couldn't get on board with it. While I agree that there should be much less shame when it comes to STIs, being careful is sensible and makes sense and I don't think we should be encouraging people to give up condoms.
July 29, 2023
rare DNF. this is mainly a manifesto about how everyone wants to sleep with zachary zane, with all the insights you’d expect from a successful cis white guy who thinks being bisexual makes him an authority on queer issues.
May 19, 2023
I agree with most of the reviews on here about the author's refusal to wear condoms regardless of his numerous STIs.
The book is one big brag fest that touts itself as an educational book while also making sure we understand that bi men exist.
The book is one big brag fest that touts itself as an educational book while also making sure we understand that bi men exist.
April 10, 2025
3.5⭐️
Lots of food for thought.
Firstly, I applaud Zachary Zane's unapologetic approach to sex education and his insights into the world of sex, relationships, sexuality, and romance. I think there are a lot of useful bits of information that can be gleaned through the intense analyses that can benefit many queer and non-queer individuals.
I think where this book fell short is that some of the takes that he writes on are a bit hard to swallow (no pun intended) and make it less relatable. Also, I felt like there didn't need to be a Part 4; the final section, while putting a bow on the whole book, seemed excessive and I felt could have been edited into the book more effectively. But, that's me nitpicking.
Overall, I do think this book offers a unique voice and stance that, even if you don't necessarily agree with everything Zane has to say, you'll walk away have learned something.
Lots of food for thought.
Firstly, I applaud Zachary Zane's unapologetic approach to sex education and his insights into the world of sex, relationships, sexuality, and romance. I think there are a lot of useful bits of information that can be gleaned through the intense analyses that can benefit many queer and non-queer individuals.
I think where this book fell short is that some of the takes that he writes on are a bit hard to swallow (no pun intended) and make it less relatable. Also, I felt like there didn't need to be a Part 4; the final section, while putting a bow on the whole book, seemed excessive and I felt could have been edited into the book more effectively. But, that's me nitpicking.
Overall, I do think this book offers a unique voice and stance that, even if you don't necessarily agree with everything Zane has to say, you'll walk away have learned something.
September 6, 2025
Removed this review because I got too heated and i don’t like getting too sassy. 🤪🫠
June 17, 2023
This book had a lot to offer no matter who’s reading it regardless of their sexual preference. This is to read that tells the very personal experiences of the author, both growing up and as an adult. It doesn’t do the community both the good and bad, and how it affected him and change them for the better. It offers great insight on how to deal with peoples relationship with porn, hook up apps and your personal relationships, and how to keep them separate from one another.
I can’t imagine how hard it it must’ve been to lay all this personal stuff out for the world to read. But I’m so glad he did. I think books like this, or more important than ever and I’m glad to see that more books like this or being published.
I can’t imagine how hard it it must’ve been to lay all this personal stuff out for the world to read. But I’m so glad he did. I think books like this, or more important than ever and I’m glad to see that more books like this or being published.
June 4, 2023
Although I felt a little let down by Boyslut, having expected more stories of slutty threesomes and risqué Grindr hookups, I fully appreciate what Zachary Zane had to say about sex and sexuality.
If I had to sum up this book in just one word, it would be acceptance. Zane writes about the need to accept who we are and who or what we want to be. Through therapy, socialization, and life experience he explores a journey to self-acceptance that assures us it's okay (and healthy) to have questions and doubts, but also insists we don't let them get in the way of living our lives. It's not an easy journey, and not one without its detours and switchbacks, but he invites us to share in the experiences that allowed him to grow mentally, physically, and emotionally into the titular Boyslut. At the same time, he confronts the attitudes, assumptions, and anxieties that stand in the way of society accepting such an open and joyous indulgence of sexuality.
One thing that struck me about the book is how Zane explores definitions of bisexuality versus pansexuality, and how he deliberately claims the former not in spite of but because of its social stigma, even as he goes to great pains to regularly assure the reader that transgender, nonbinary, and gender non-conforming individuals are included in his definition. And it's not in a by-the-way aside or pandering way, it's sincere inclusion that I appreciated every time.
For a book about sex, what I think resonates most is what Zane has to say about relationships, the intersection of love and sex, and how and where the two can divulge. There are some interesting explorations of polyamory and open marriage that I found encouraging, and some frank discussion of how intimacy can interfere with sexual attraction - not because we've "fallen out of love" but because our sexual attraction may work differently. Yes, there's a lot of talk about random hookups and one-night stands, but there are also feelings and emotions to navigate.
Admittedly, I was a little taken aback by the frankness with which Zane discusses drug use, and the way he so casually dismisses STIs, but I realized you can't pick-and-choose your stigmas. He's writing about an openness and honesty that you can't fairly compartmentalize or place conditions on, and the admissions about his own behavior are all part of being a Boyslut. In some ways, I wish I had his confidence, his sort of selfishness, but there are consequences within even an open marriage that I feel demand more consideration.
https://sallybend.wordpress.com/2023/...
If I had to sum up this book in just one word, it would be acceptance. Zane writes about the need to accept who we are and who or what we want to be. Through therapy, socialization, and life experience he explores a journey to self-acceptance that assures us it's okay (and healthy) to have questions and doubts, but also insists we don't let them get in the way of living our lives. It's not an easy journey, and not one without its detours and switchbacks, but he invites us to share in the experiences that allowed him to grow mentally, physically, and emotionally into the titular Boyslut. At the same time, he confronts the attitudes, assumptions, and anxieties that stand in the way of society accepting such an open and joyous indulgence of sexuality.
One thing that struck me about the book is how Zane explores definitions of bisexuality versus pansexuality, and how he deliberately claims the former not in spite of but because of its social stigma, even as he goes to great pains to regularly assure the reader that transgender, nonbinary, and gender non-conforming individuals are included in his definition. And it's not in a by-the-way aside or pandering way, it's sincere inclusion that I appreciated every time.
For a book about sex, what I think resonates most is what Zane has to say about relationships, the intersection of love and sex, and how and where the two can divulge. There are some interesting explorations of polyamory and open marriage that I found encouraging, and some frank discussion of how intimacy can interfere with sexual attraction - not because we've "fallen out of love" but because our sexual attraction may work differently. Yes, there's a lot of talk about random hookups and one-night stands, but there are also feelings and emotions to navigate.
Admittedly, I was a little taken aback by the frankness with which Zane discusses drug use, and the way he so casually dismisses STIs, but I realized you can't pick-and-choose your stigmas. He's writing about an openness and honesty that you can't fairly compartmentalize or place conditions on, and the admissions about his own behavior are all part of being a Boyslut. In some ways, I wish I had his confidence, his sort of selfishness, but there are consequences within even an open marriage that I feel demand more consideration.
https://sallybend.wordpress.com/2023/...
August 1, 2023
I had no prior exposure to Zachary Zane, so I was a little surprised by the complete candor in this.
Extreme honesty, no holds bar conversations about sex and sexuality.
This gets graphic with descriptions of all sorts, so go in with an open mind and a strong stomach.
I had to skip a large part about way too gross for me.
Other than that, I found this funny and a good source of information.
Great for anyone wanting info for themselves or ideas on how to start conversations with loved ones.
Extreme honesty, no holds bar conversations about sex and sexuality.
This gets graphic with descriptions of all sorts, so go in with an open mind and a strong stomach.
I had to skip a large part about way too gross for me.
Other than that, I found this funny and a good source of information.
Great for anyone wanting info for themselves or ideas on how to start conversations with loved ones.
June 23, 2023
I agree with the author's overriding message, which is that all shame should be removed from consensual sex. I'm also glad he has a platform to recount his experiences as a bisexual person, to give that group some visibility.
I have a problem with some of the arguments he makes, though. When discussing racial preferences, his advice is essentially, "If they don't realize you don't want to have sex with their entire race, it's okay." On page 117, he writes, "For example, you don't have to tell someone you're not interested in their entire race as a respone to a 'hi' from a rando hottie on Grindr. You can simply say, 'You're super cute, but I'm not looking.'" He doesn't encourage the reader to ask themselves how the media has portrayed people of that race, if they have ever interacted with someone of that race in a meaningful way, etc. It's just, "Here's a phrase you can use to reject them."
In contrast, when discussing the judgment he feels about his decision to have unprotected sex, he spends pages explaining why the AIDS epidemic, gay bashing, and a variety of other historical factors justify his decision. On page 163, he writes, "So, when you shame someone for getting an STI, you're engaging in a lot of other shaming that you'd (I hope) likely think you're too wise to fall for: sexism, xenophobia, homophobia, and racism." It's like he only wants to bring cultural and historical context to bear when it helps him justify what he wants to do anyway.
Finally, the author repeatedly gets irritated when other people have emotions. He chastises people for "freaking out" over an STI, being sad that he doesn't want to date them, or honestly sharing about depression when the author wants to get laid. Even if someone's emotions are not logical or useful . . . neither is your irritation about those emotions.
I have a problem with some of the arguments he makes, though. When discussing racial preferences, his advice is essentially, "If they don't realize you don't want to have sex with their entire race, it's okay." On page 117, he writes, "For example, you don't have to tell someone you're not interested in their entire race as a respone to a 'hi' from a rando hottie on Grindr. You can simply say, 'You're super cute, but I'm not looking.'" He doesn't encourage the reader to ask themselves how the media has portrayed people of that race, if they have ever interacted with someone of that race in a meaningful way, etc. It's just, "Here's a phrase you can use to reject them."
In contrast, when discussing the judgment he feels about his decision to have unprotected sex, he spends pages explaining why the AIDS epidemic, gay bashing, and a variety of other historical factors justify his decision. On page 163, he writes, "So, when you shame someone for getting an STI, you're engaging in a lot of other shaming that you'd (I hope) likely think you're too wise to fall for: sexism, xenophobia, homophobia, and racism." It's like he only wants to bring cultural and historical context to bear when it helps him justify what he wants to do anyway.
Finally, the author repeatedly gets irritated when other people have emotions. He chastises people for "freaking out" over an STI, being sad that he doesn't want to date them, or honestly sharing about depression when the author wants to get laid. Even if someone's emotions are not logical or useful . . . neither is your irritation about those emotions.
March 7, 2024
A very frank, often insightful, frequently raunchy, occasionally eye-raising examination of sexual shame, particularly as it relates to men who have sex with men. I appreciated the open and honest manner in which Zane discusses the role of kink in queer sex and how easy it is for bedroom-related shame to seep into the everyday lives of LGBTQ+ folks: withdrawal, lashing out, difficulty trusting and fostering connection. Talking about sex and destigmatizing non-heteronormative and kinky sex in particular is beneficial for everyone in the end, especially in the face of a rising movement to deemphasize sex when discussing sexuality. I thought the sections on normative male alexithymia -- the societal conditioning of men to suppress feelings and the problems this leads to with recognizing and labeling emotions, let alone expressing them -- were particularly interesting.
There’s also lots of intriguing observations around love and sex, where they intersect, where they diverge, and the complicated navigation and exploration of sexual attraction, romance, and intimacy in the LGBTQ+ community. There’s musings on masculinity, monogamy, and marriage. Theses on porn, Pride, and polyamory. Essays on self-loathing, self-doubt, and self-care. Ruminations on religion, Grindr, and the backroom at the Eagle. And lots of talk about the importance and the struggle of finding good queer-friendly therapists, especially since gay and bi men are 4x more likely to die by suicide than their straight counterparts.
All in all, a worthy read for anyone interested in the ways sex affects our lives, our society, and our relationship with each other (all the ways), but especially if you like you some dude-on-dude action.
There’s also lots of intriguing observations around love and sex, where they intersect, where they diverge, and the complicated navigation and exploration of sexual attraction, romance, and intimacy in the LGBTQ+ community. There’s musings on masculinity, monogamy, and marriage. Theses on porn, Pride, and polyamory. Essays on self-loathing, self-doubt, and self-care. Ruminations on religion, Grindr, and the backroom at the Eagle. And lots of talk about the importance and the struggle of finding good queer-friendly therapists, especially since gay and bi men are 4x more likely to die by suicide than their straight counterparts.
All in all, a worthy read for anyone interested in the ways sex affects our lives, our society, and our relationship with each other (all the ways), but especially if you like you some dude-on-dude action.
September 3, 2023
This book started off promising and I enjoyed the humorous yet informative nature of it. However, the hole jokes got old rather fast and I was ready to move on. The book has some interesting tidbits about concepts I didn’t know about - “top privileges” for example, but it was riddled with personal anecdotes described in such detail that I wasn’t expecting. Personally, for me, it was too much to learn every sexual detail about the author’s life but maybe others would appreciate it. I also felt like an opportunity was missed here since the author is still a white man coming from privilege and you can’t really talk about bisexuality without talking about men and women from other cultures.
August 1, 2023
I know I wasn’t embarking on critical literature when I picked up this book, but Jesus this book is annoying.
Overall, a few solid points on queer relationships and sexuality, but in total I found it to be a lot of talking without saying anything interesting - using cute hyper sexualixed language to keep intrigue. Perhaps if I moved in different circles, I would find some some of this insightful or “revelatory”, but I really think this is an outlet for someone to talk about how much sex they have and that being bisexual is great. Like ok, cool… and?
Overall, a few solid points on queer relationships and sexuality, but in total I found it to be a lot of talking without saying anything interesting - using cute hyper sexualixed language to keep intrigue. Perhaps if I moved in different circles, I would find some some of this insightful or “revelatory”, but I really think this is an outlet for someone to talk about how much sex they have and that being bisexual is great. Like ok, cool… and?
November 10, 2023
Sure there were some part of this book that were salacious or interesting but frankly I disagreed with a lot of what this author wrote and any book that advocates for not wearing condoms and instead treating repeated STIs with antibiotics is going to get a negative review from me.
June 10, 2024
I was familiar with Zane through his column and (much more explicit about his sex life) newsletter, as well as his prominence as a bisexual activist and writer. Truly, a pox on those who don't believe that men can be bisexual. Given this familiarity and my personal experiences, nothing Zane said here was shocking or revelatory for me.
Zane really illustrated how homophobic and biphobic society is and how damaging that was to him, despite his welcoming family, living in "liberal" areas of the US, and generally being around "open-minded" unperfect people. He didn't need bigots to absorb shame around his sexuality or be told falsehoods by even his therapist!
His discussions about his OCD were very thoughtful in how they impacted his sexuality but weren't caused by it and something he'd have regardless. Likewise, with his discussion of polyamory and the problems that he encountered when he first started consciously practicing it. It was nice to see discussions that weren't just around jealousy (though touched on it). Shared online calendars are very useful.
Zane's writing style is fun with sincerity baked into it, which made this an easy read. There were moments where the prose could've been tightened up; though he and I have similar humor styles, so a tangential joke didn't throw me too far out.
Some reviewers are extremely upset about what Zane writes about STIs and his views on what he does and doesn't do to prevent them. Like many queer cis men, he uses PREP to avoid HIV, but doesn't use condoms (unless his partner(s) ask for them). He frankly discusses getting gonorrhea three times within a short period of time and his negative and cavalier reaction to the (presumed cishet) nurse who lectures him about using condoms.
This is not the first time I've read Zane's writing on this. His other writing was much more thoughtful than Boyslut, and I'm sad that some of those sentiments didn't make it to his book. For example, in those other essays, Zane considers how STIs, like gonorrhea, can be more complicated in health outcomes for people with vulvas, who are some of the people Zane has sex with, than people with penises.
At the end of the day, Zane is an adult, who can make his own choices about his sexual health, and his sexual partners are also adults who can make informed risk decisions. However, since Zane is also a sex educator, there should have been more nuance. Shaming anyone into using condoms just isn't going to happen, and as discussed in the rest of Boyslut, shame is entirely sex-negative and (this is my addition, not Zane's) used as a tool by the Christofacists to persecute queer people, no matter what we choose to individually do in our sex lives (including ace people who abstain entirely). I wouldn't write off an entire book due to this section.
Zane really illustrated how homophobic and biphobic society is and how damaging that was to him, despite his welcoming family, living in "liberal" areas of the US, and generally being around "open-minded" unperfect people. He didn't need bigots to absorb shame around his sexuality or be told falsehoods by even his therapist!
His discussions about his OCD were very thoughtful in how they impacted his sexuality but weren't caused by it and something he'd have regardless. Likewise, with his discussion of polyamory and the problems that he encountered when he first started consciously practicing it. It was nice to see discussions that weren't just around jealousy (though touched on it). Shared online calendars are very useful.
Zane's writing style is fun with sincerity baked into it, which made this an easy read. There were moments where the prose could've been tightened up; though he and I have similar humor styles, so a tangential joke didn't throw me too far out.
Some reviewers are extremely upset about what Zane writes about STIs and his views on what he does and doesn't do to prevent them. Like many queer cis men, he uses PREP to avoid HIV, but doesn't use condoms (unless his partner(s) ask for them). He frankly discusses getting gonorrhea three times within a short period of time and his negative and cavalier reaction to the (presumed cishet) nurse who lectures him about using condoms.
This is not the first time I've read Zane's writing on this. His other writing was much more thoughtful than Boyslut, and I'm sad that some of those sentiments didn't make it to his book. For example, in those other essays, Zane considers how STIs, like gonorrhea, can be more complicated in health outcomes for people with vulvas, who are some of the people Zane has sex with, than people with penises.
At the end of the day, Zane is an adult, who can make his own choices about his sexual health, and his sexual partners are also adults who can make informed risk decisions. However, since Zane is also a sex educator, there should have been more nuance. Shaming anyone into using condoms just isn't going to happen, and as discussed in the rest of Boyslut, shame is entirely sex-negative and (this is my addition, not Zane's) used as a tool by the Christofacists to persecute queer people, no matter what we choose to individually do in our sex lives (including ace people who abstain entirely). I wouldn't write off an entire book due to this section.
December 29, 2023
I love books that get me to be introspective, especially when it’s a world outside of my own. Zachary Zane has done just that and more in Boy Slut. If you want a wild, honest read by someone who is on a mission to help others overcome shame when it comes to pleasure and sex (and who can easily weave humor and education throughout) then add this to your TBR.
May 17, 2023
Truly an amazing book! So happy to see bisexuality talked about with such joy and so happy to see a takedown of today’s puritanical views on sex.
June 11, 2023
— Having sex helped me unpack the structural systems that idealise an unhealthy masculinity, promote queerphobia, and perpetuate sex-negativity. I believe that if we can understand these systems, we can all unfuck ourselves. —
When I first heard about Boyslut by Zachary Zane, the fact it was a memoir instantly was what interested me as I’ve been severely lacking with my nonfiction. The word slut just added more enthusiasm for my need to read this book. What I was expecting with Boyslut was a 200+ page book on what I was guessing was going to be wild sex escapades and unapologetic horniness (which is totally my thing,) but instead I got a very touching, educational & thought provoking memoir that will be going highly on my recommended list for the soul reason that it nearly made me piss my pants with laughter.
Now, I’m very comfortable with sex, everyone who knows me knows it’s my favourite topic of discussion and that I can talk for hours about puking, pissing and whatever else picks my fancy for the day, which is why Boyslut felt like I was chatting with an old friend. I felt familiar, I felt like there were parts where I wanted to just shake the book because yes, finally someone else who understands.
It’s the first book that really made me feel unashamed for how much I love sex, especially right now with this huge wave of censorship, it further reinforced why I so passionately talk about sex and all the things that comes with sex. There was also a quote I wrote down while reading that also furthers the point that you shouldn’t feel guilt for engaging in sex, kinks & fantasies;
— But when I'm masturbating in the shower, and a violent sexual scene mysteriously appears in my mind, I don't spend the next five hours worried about whether I'm secretly a depraved and perverted sicko. I simply shoot my load and carry on with my merry day. Besides, I'm most definitely a little pervert, and I wouldn't want to have it any other way. —
This quote right here is something I feel so strongly about, and I hope that others who read this book, who haven’t embraced their own gross sex goblin side, get a chance to see that there’s nothing to be ashamed or guilty over for engaging in what gets the loins goin’.
I have a lot of notes, and my gremlin brain is going crazy because this review won’t get anywhere if I choose to go into each annotation. Zachary Zane spoke about things that I don’t see quite often, or if I do, it tends to leave a sour taste in my mouth. From talking about the weird things we’d do as kids or the sexual guilt we can feel growing up, or how we have to stop the shame around STIs, Zane manages to keep you invested as well as making you feel like you’re in a gaff having four am banter with a close mate.
One of the big mains the book focuses on is bisexuality, which I’m not gonna sit and explain because it’s 2023 and that ain’t my job anymore, especially that this book does it fifty times better than me & it also even opened my eyes to my own sexuality as a queer trans man who’s sexuality seems to be ever changing.
But in cumclusion, Boyslut is a highly positive book that delves into deeper subjects than I wasn’t expecting and has even made me question some of my own behaviours and feelings & can’t recommend enough if you want a good queer nonfiction book.
Thank you to Pride Book Tours & Abrams Image for sending me a free copy in exchange for an honest review.
TWITTER | INSTA
January 11, 2024
After reading Diary of a Drag Queen, I was interested to see if there were any more queer memoirs on the market, especially ones written by journalists (as Tom/Crystal Rasmussen is) as I loved the way that they write. Though I now realise to extend that same expectation doesn’t really work.
I was really excited to read this book, especially as I am bisexual and this book holds a particular focus on bisexuality. I expected to feel really seen by this book but instead I often felt dictated to by someone that at times seemed to be really insecure or boldly declaring inherently wrong things.
In a book like this that people reach for often to try to connect in quite a vulnerable way (either to connect with the authors lived experience or to reach for a better understanding of their own identity through someone else’s experiences) this is such a flawed tone of voice to take.
The author says at one point (to the statement “I also used to be bisexual, but then I came out as gay”)-
“No, you once identified as bisexual because you thought it was more palatable than being “full-blown gay. (It’s not, by the way.)”
Not only is this an incredibly presumptuous and condescending statement towards quite a complex transition in identity, it’s also inherently erasure of bisexuality as a “palatable stepping stone”. That circumstance is so unbelievably broad and to insist that someone “faked” a part of their journey to finding their true identity, rather than that identifying as bisexual at that time just because that’s what they truly felt at that stage in their life, is so unbelievably dangerous and frankly insulting to all involved.
I had really high hopes for this book and instead feel like it’s a lesson in exactly how not to speak about my own or other people’s sexuality. At least I gained SOMETHING from my time reading this.
I was really excited to read this book, especially as I am bisexual and this book holds a particular focus on bisexuality. I expected to feel really seen by this book but instead I often felt dictated to by someone that at times seemed to be really insecure or boldly declaring inherently wrong things.
In a book like this that people reach for often to try to connect in quite a vulnerable way (either to connect with the authors lived experience or to reach for a better understanding of their own identity through someone else’s experiences) this is such a flawed tone of voice to take.
The author says at one point (to the statement “I also used to be bisexual, but then I came out as gay”)-
“No, you once identified as bisexual because you thought it was more palatable than being “full-blown gay. (It’s not, by the way.)”
Not only is this an incredibly presumptuous and condescending statement towards quite a complex transition in identity, it’s also inherently erasure of bisexuality as a “palatable stepping stone”. That circumstance is so unbelievably broad and to insist that someone “faked” a part of their journey to finding their true identity, rather than that identifying as bisexual at that time just because that’s what they truly felt at that stage in their life, is so unbelievably dangerous and frankly insulting to all involved.
I had really high hopes for this book and instead feel like it’s a lesson in exactly how not to speak about my own or other people’s sexuality. At least I gained SOMETHING from my time reading this.
July 18, 2023
This also started as a 5 star for me and towards the last 5 chapters it got very boring. Perhaps it came from not being able to relate. It started sounds like a pamphlet you’d find at planned parenthood about a lot of statistics with the word fuck and ass sprinkled in.
January 14, 2024
This… this wasn’t well written.
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