Love and Asperger's: Practical Strategies To Help Couples Understand Each Other and Strengthen Their Connection

by Kate McNulty

Everyday techniques to strengthen empathy and connection in neurodiverse couples

Life with a partner whose neurotype is different than yours is filled with moments that are surprising, unique, and sometimes challenging. If one of you has an Aspergers profile and the other is neurotypical, Love and Aspergers is a helpful and inclusive guide to understanding the nature of your relationship and navigating its particular obstacles without losing sight of what’s important. You’ll read engaging and realistic scenarios that depict couples going through similar issues, combined with practical, evidence-based solutions that address the needs and perspectives of both partners equally.

Love and Aspergers helps you:

***Work together—Find easy ways to improve communication, cultivate emotional and physical intimacy, and maintain a commitment to learning about each other.
***Appreciate your differences—Discover a window into the inner world of your partner, and the ways in which their experiences differ from yours so you can convey your own perspective more effectively.
***Breakthrough the stereotypes—Sort out myths and facts about Aspergers so you can understand neurotypical and neurodiverse thinking, and make your life together as a couple more loving and more rewarding.

Deepen your relationship and your communication with Love and Aspergers.

Genres: Nonfiction, Autistic Spectrum Disorder, Psychology, Self Help, Relationships, Audiobook, Mental Health

1 pages, Audio CD

Published August 17, 2021

About the author

Kate McNulty is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW).

Reviews

[Gilbert Stack · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a lovely, straightforward, guide to the challenges of having a relationship between a neurotypical person and someone on the Autistic Spectrum. What is most useful about it is the mapping out of many common areas of misunderstanding and miscommunication between the couple. It does this in a non-judgmental fashion and helps the reader to understand why such miscommunications arise and that it is not a fault issue, but the result of people naturally approaching problems in different ways. It also has many examples of couples dealing with problems with suggestions on how to work through them. Overall, it is very helpful for simply understanding people on the spectrum.

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked this book up because I started to wonder if my partner was on the spectrum. After I read it, I was able to have a conversation with my partner and we both agree that they most likely are an Aspie. We're going to go down a more official track, but in the meantime this book helped us both so much and I am so glad I found it.

[Kaitlyn McDougall · Rating 3 out of 5]

Offered a good beginning perspective on how to have a strong relationship with an autistic individual.

[Amanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

A quick, easy read. McNulty brings her professional couple counseling experience and her own experience of being Autistic into this book. The result is a guide with empathy and respect for both partners and practical solutions for real challenges without judgement. A few of her suggestions were a little off (no I don't think having a child is a good project to embark on if you are feeling disconnected and want to have a shared goal....), but for the most part they were grounded and realistic.

[Wil Spillane · Rating 3 out of 5]

Overall this is a good read. It is still way to heavy on helping the ND person account for NT behavior, which means that I still haven’t found a book about how to communicate to NTs that they also need to compromise. It’s exhausting. But there is some of this in the book. However, the tips included here are hilariously dumb. “Make a list” drives me nuts. Wow, never thought of that, thanks! It’s silly to suggest these things over and over again. Still worth reading.

[Lauren Napier · Rating 4 out of 5]

Overall I liked this book and found some things helpful. My husband and I are both neurodivergent, so I wish there was more than the neurotypical-neurodivergent couple perspective. However, this book was strengths focused, which is a huge win! It didn’t describe autism as a big flaw or as something people just have to adapt to. It challenges both the neurotypical partner and the neurodivergent partner.

[Valentina · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's an interesting book that can be read by anyone. The author helps couple to be more compassionate, to better communicate and be open to each other. That's why I am saying it can be useful for everybody. I haven't give 5 because sometimes it is repetitive, but I enjoyed the reading.

[Evan Micheals · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this as ongoing ‘mesearch’ in Autism and Asperger’s as a self identified neuro-divergent man. Every time I engage in this mesearch I always have a profound sense of ‘this is me’ McNulty writes about the challenges faced by those involved in a neuro-diverse/neuro-typical relationship. McNulty points out that there is great diversity within people with neuro-diversity, and some of the symptoms she identified were foreign to me, as other had great resonance. “Many Asperger’s types fluctuate between states of silence and loquaciousness depending on mood, energy, and level of stimulation in the environment” (p 44).

The key point is that there are often things that are lost in communication and with assumptions in neuro-diverse/neuro-typical relationships. It is important that what is normatively assumed to be implicit is made explicit within the relationship.

As I was reading I came with a number of questions for neuro-diverse/neuro-typical relationship couples to contemplate:

Are you good at receiving compliments, do you become defensive when being scrutinised? No, compliments often make me nervous and to often I assume the person is being manipulative and ingenious. Yes – I often take scrutiny as a personal attack, and I am much better than I use to be. McNulty states people with Asperger’s can become quickly defensive. McNulty sees this as a trauma response to being bullied or socially shunned and therefore becoming high sensitised to being socially rejected. True of me.

Are ‘same foods’ a thing for you? Not a thing for me (I enjoy a wide range of foods), and I see it with other neuro-diverse people.

Where and when do you have the freedom to complain within your relationship, especially about each other? Yes – When we are alone and calm is when it works best.

How do you renew connection after a miscommunication? Find a place and time to be alone where it is calm.

How do you make small connections (such as inside jokes, little things that amuse both of you, Things that can be used reliable to re-establish connection)? We both enjoy a sardonic sense of humour and can make such comments to each other and have each other laugh.

I found this useful for reflection and as a reminder. Reflection about the skills and strategies I have to use in the ‘normie’ world. A reminder that I have found my tribe. I actually prefer Aspy people. I get on better with them and love their honesty. This is a useful book for mesearch.

[Tavi Night · Rating 5 out of 5]

“A must-read for anyone navigating neurodiverse relationships.”

Love and Asperger’s is an empowering and affirming read. It offers insight and compassion for anyone navigating a neurodiverse relationship, whether personally or professionally.

When others struggle to understand the nuances of love on the spectrum, this book reminds us that autistic individuals can and do love deeply — it just looks different to neurotypical eyes.

Books like this help us all learn a new love language. I once thought I might write a book like this myself, but I’m grateful to see professionals like Kate McNulty leading the way with clarity, empathy, and respect.

[Lauren · Rating 5 out of 5]

There’s a lot of good information in this book that I found helpful. I have to admit that I was left feeling that most of the responsibility for neurodiverse relationships falls on the neurotypical partner. Still there are exercises and activities in this book that I feel are worth trying. This book was a good find that I have recommended to a friend who like myself is in a neurodiverse marriage. I’ll also recommend this book to fellow therapist as work in this area of relationship support is not typical in our training.

[ferdi 🍉 · Rating 3 out of 5]

can't lie, this was actually very insightful and interesting, as someone who is autistic. gave some good information and advice on how to navigate a relationship with someone who is neurodivergent and how someone neurotypical can come to understand their neurodivergent partner. the book was also pretty progressive despite the fact that the term "asperger's" is already pretty outdated and it's just best to use the term "autistic".

[Griffin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thought that this was a great book for people looking to help their relationship and better understand each other when having different neurotypes. Almost every example she gave of situations where ones I had been in before and benefited from reading this. I know I’ll be be going back to this book in the future to flip through the information within again

[Ashleigh Vaughn · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m so glad I listened to this book. It helped me to understand someone in my life who I believe is on the spectrum. The examples and scenarios used helped me to start healing lingering feelings of hurt and resentment, it seemed as if it touched on each point of contention and issue. And as being neurodivergent myself, I learned somethings to help me as well.

[Allen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Clear, uncomplicated, information

Knowledge isn't just power, It is comforting. The author presents information without self adulation in a way that allows someone unfamiliar with what they may be going through to see themselves in a situation and most importantly, a number of suggestions and resources for very practical solutions.

[mikayla · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5* this was a short and quick read, but it was boring to me, since i didn’t really feel like i learned anything new. i would say it’s for beginners who don’t know much about autism and/or asperger’s.

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent! Written by someone on the spectrum who is also a therapist, and has years of experience working with mixed neurotype couples and families. Topics and suggestions are LGBTQ inclusive. Best book I have read so far on mixed neurotype relationships.

[Betty · Rating 5 out of 5]

100/10
I had some big feelings about this book. The audio book narrator was good. I would recommend this as a way to get your brain moving in the right direction and provoke a desire for deeper learning if you are in a neuro-typical/neuro-divergent relationship of any kind.

[Veronica Dryden · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very helpful and informative.

I've been looking for ways I can better relate to my partner and found this book to be very helpful.

[K · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5/5 ⭐️

[Lydia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Kindle Unlimited

Quick and easy read; offers ideas and explanations to common misunderstandings.

[Elizabeth S Brown · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very interesting

The book is easy to follow and understand. It has shed some light on my relationship and understanding of us.

[J · Rating 4 out of 5]

The lingo is dated but there’s some good advice here.
It wasn’t too relatable as both of us are neurodiverse and this was based off of a typical person.

[Kelly Murphy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting, but tedious.

[Christopher · Rating 4 out of 5]

A bit light

[Explore With Kelsey B · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful with our neurodiverse relationship, thank you!!!!

[Candace Faistenhammer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Loved the practicality in this book for neurodiverse relationships!

[Cherry · Rating 5 out of 5]

Quite an enjoyable short read, got some useful insights out of it 😊

[Shane · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great insights!

[Kaitlyn Whitten · Rating 3 out of 5]

3🌟

[Julie Suzanne · Rating 5 out of 5]

From the first chapter to the last page, I felt heard, seen, understood, and...hopeful. Almost every issue that couples in neurodiverse relationships have, according to this book, echoed my exact feelings and concerns about mine, which was incredibly comforting. It's such a freeing experience to have one's experience validated in this way! This book helped me see all of my relationship concerns in a new light, and I am enthusiastic about working on my relationship with new insight and McNulty's clear, practical advice given to both partners rather than calling it quits.

The NT and ND partner will learn to understand the needs of the other, learn to strengthen their bond and meet those needs as well. An excellent relationship workbook, particularly for neurodiverse couples that have very specific challenges.