They're Your Parents, Too!: How Siblings Can Survive Their Parents' Aging Without Driving Each Other Crazy

by Francine Russo

Your parents are growing older and are getting forgetful, starting to slow down, or worse. Suddenly you find yourself at the cusp of one of the most important transitions in your life—and the life of your family. Your parents need you and your siblings to step up and take care of them, a little or a lot. To make the right things happen, you will all need to work together. And yet your siblings may have very different ideas from yours of what’s best for Mom and Dad. They may be completely uninterested in helping, leaving you with all the responsibility. Or they may take charge and not allow you to help, or criticize whatever help you do give. Will you and your siblings be able to reach an understanding and work together, or will the challenges you face tear you apart? 

    Most of us enter this period of our lives unprepared for the difficult decisions and delicate negotiations that lie ahead. This is the first book that provides guidance on the transition from the “old” family to the “new” one, especially for adult siblings. Here you’ll find practical advice on a wide range of topics including
 
• Who will make major medical decisions, manage finances, and enforce end-of-life choices if your parents cannot? And how will this be decided and carried out?
• How will you negotiate caregiving issues and deal with unequal contributions or power struggles?  
• How can inheritance and the division of property, assets, and personal effects be handled to minimize hurt feelings and resentment?
• How will you cope with the natural reemergence of unresolved childhood rivalries, hurts, and needs?
• How can caring for your parents be an enriching experience rather than a thankless chore?
• Most important, how can you ensure the best care for your parents while lessening conflict, guilt, anger, and angst?
 
    Written by a veteran journalist who chronicles life and how baby boomers live it, They’re Your Parents, Too! offers all the information, insight, and advice you’ll need to make productive choices as you and your siblings begin to assume your parents’ place as the decision-making generation of your family.

    Filled with expert guidance from gerontologists, family therapists, elder-care attorneys, financial planners, and health workers; resonant real-life stories; and helpful family negotiation techniques, this is an indispensable book for anyone whose parents are aging.

Genres: Nonfiction, Family, Parenting, Self Help

304 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2010

Reviews

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

I first heard about this book while listening to an interview with the author on NPR. What struck me most of all was the sheer number of callers phoning in to thank the author for writing such an important work. This really cemented my belief that “elder care” is a subject that is just as important as child care, yet hasn’t, until at least recently, received enough attention. The focus of this work is on sibling relationships and dynamics when taking care of one’s parents--a time that can be fraught with emotions and old rivalries. Russo aims to help alleviate at least some of the strain. In opening up the subject for discussion and bringing it to people’s attention, she has already made an important step in doing so.

[Jodi · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked this book up off the free shelf at the library about 5 years ago and told myself I would read it when I felt that my mother needed her children to step up more for her. Well.....sadly, that moment has arrived. My mother has been extremely sick this past year due to Covid and with less than 1 1/2 of her lungs functioning now, she will never be the same. My sister-in-law lives close and has done the lion's share of the care for her this past year. I live over 8 hours away and do what I can but it is nowhere near the things she is doing. This book got me thinking about how I need to reach out to her more to see what I can do from afar.

I know over the past 5 years I have noticed a decline in my mother's memory and have made comments to my sister-in-law. She disagrees. The author did mention this in her book how being away for a year makes the decline more noticable than someone who is there regularly and sees the decline happen slowly.

I also worry about being pulled into the house of childhood once my brother and I have to start making much bigger decisions for my mom. We have not gotten along well for the past 20 years or so. I know for my mother, we will have to find a way. My brother has POA and I'm okay with that since he lives 20 minutes away from her. I trust him and his wife to be wise with her finances and to make sure she has what she needs. Once she is gone, I do know it is going to be a nightmare sorting through things with him and my step-siblings. Ugh! Why do these things have to be so hard?!?

In the meantime, I will keep calling my mom daily and doing what I can for her when I visit or what I can do from a distance.

[Brandon Will]

Worth noting that this was written by someone who was not the primary caregiver, her sister was. This shows in certain focuses within the text showing certain regrets and justifications. But, knowing that objectivity is an illusion, it's just good to be aware of this writer's experience (which she is open about). There's much worthwhile information and ideas in this book. And it's the only I've ever found on this subject! A gap in desperate need of filling as the caregiver crises unfolds in our country.

[Fei · Rating 3 out of 5]

Written for boomers caring for their parents, but the themes and behaviors I'm sure are relevant across generations

[Adam Chamberlain · Rating 4 out of 5]

"The twilight transition of our family has been a tumultuous time. It has tested us and changed us. If we're fortunate, it has also taught us a great deal."

A practical and very useful book about navigating the ill health, decline, and deaths of our parents, with a focus on the challenges it can pose for family dynamics and relationships. Belying its slightly trashy title—which almost put me off purchasing it—and while containing some elements that feel culturally and generationally specific, I have found much that resonates and is very useful in this volume. A copy now sits on my therapist's bookshelf, which I think speaks to how useful it has been to me and her perspective on how it could also be for others.

[Pamela · Rating 4 out of 5]

A sensitive, deep dive into family dynamics and how the biases and assumptions we developed in childhood color the way we approach the difficult work of caring for aging parents. I have two little sisters, whom I love, and even though our relationship is generally great, I took so much away from this book. There's advice here that I can start using right away, both to help myself and to ask for help. Warning: this is heavy stuff, and I found it overwhelming to read some of these stories, like being in therapy.

[G · Rating 5 out of 5]

Comprehensive and helpful

Great place to start if you're struggling with parental and sibling relationships due to parental aging issues. The title is catchy but a little blame-y... but don't be put off, it's a very open and realistic exploration of sibling bonds and difficulties caused by caregiving stress. Made me feel less alone and ready to figure out how to move forward thoughtfully and with integrity.

[Carolyn Gould · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was definitely worth the read. Learned so much about family dynamics and how siblings all react differently to having aging parents. Whether you are the main care giver or a sibling who can’t be there to help it really helps you understand everyone’s views and how not to judge people on your own standards. Also how this stage brings up a lot of childhood issues with siblings. Very very interesting read.

[Brahm · Rating 3 out of 5]

Lots of interesting insights within and my first real exposure to a lot of these ideas. Overall a good book and highly readable. It gave me a lot to think about.

Subtracted a few stars as the author is explicitly targeting baby boomers as readers and frames topics in their generational context. Published in 2010, the book is starting to age as it's now the children of boomers who are getting curious about what aging means for their boomer parents.

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not a lot of new information, but it did put a lot of what I was feeling into words.

[Janet · Rating 3 out of 5]

Better than I expected, useful.

[Deborah Sloan · Rating 5 out of 5]

More and more of us Baby Boomer generation each day are having to face the challenge of caring for our aging parents. Whether you are an only child facing this task or from a large family of siblings like myself it's not an easy decision to make. I say that knowing full well that it's not just one decision but many that you will be faced with. Will you care for them in your home or in assisted living; Who will visit and how often; Who will run errands; where will they go if they need full time nursing care? These are just a few of the question that we are faced with.

There is also the Parents wishes to consider and a consensus to reach with siblings in regard to their care. Not always an easy task when we have different personalities than our siblings and see family life and responsibilities differently not to mention distance restraints to consider. They're Your Parents, Too!: How Siblings Can Survive Their Parents' Aging Without Driving Each Other Crazy can help not only in making these difficult decisions but also relieve the stress and guilt related to making them.

I only wished I had had this book when I was caring for my aging father with Alzheimers a few years ago. For me caring for my father in my home was a simple solution and just made sense. Even though I have eight other siblings, I was close to my father both emotionally and in distance of our home. I was the one of the eight who was not full time employed so I had the time I could devote to his care, and my children were grown with their own families. But I also had help from siblings in other ways. They called weekly to talk to Dad and to me to see how things were going, and my oldest sister took care of Dad's financial investments and his taxes which was a big help. I never felt alone in caring for Dad.

But many families can find themselves struggling when that day comes. I highly recommend picking up a copy of They're Your Parents, Too!: How Siblings Can Survive Their Parents' Aging Without Driving Each Other Crazy before you are facing these decisions. It will be a great help to you and your family and reduce a lot of unnecessary complications and perhaps hurt feelings.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

From My Blog...[return][return]As we age, so do our parents and for many of us there will come a time when difficult decisions must be made. Fortunately, Francine Russo thought of many of the issues that will arise and offers up some practical advise about how to deal with these issues and the feelings attached in her book They're Your Parents Too! How Siblings Can Survive Their Parents' Aging Without Driving Each Other Crazy. Russo carefully lays out each section of her book, dividing it into four sections consisting of eleven chapters dealing with issues ranging from who will care for the parent in question, the difficulties that can arise in role changes, how to get along with siblings and the rivalry from childhood that can re-emerge to the despair of watching a loved one succumb to dementia. They're Your Parents Too! is a practical, insightful and caring look into what many of us are or will be facing in the near future and Russo is offering the reader guidance in how to overcome many of the obstacles and handle the emotions that may come up when planning to care for one's parents. They're Your Parents Too! is an excellent resource tool that everyone with parents should have in their library.

[wittierninja · Rating 3 out of 5]

If you're like me (and morbid), you too may be thinking about your parents' mortalities. When you're a kid, you don't think your parents are going anywhere. They're going to look the same, act the same, be the same, for the rest of your life. But as an adult, you suddenly realize that your parents are OLD. They've aged. And then you are hit with the fact that your parents really aren't going to be there forever. I think about this now every time my mother or father tells me about an ache or a pain, and I realize that I really don't know what my parents want in terms of how they want their assets to be handled, how they want to be interred, what they want done if one of them dies before the other, and all the other little things that come after a parent dies. This book--although it annoyed me a little that the phrase "twilight years" was used far more often than I'd prefer--approaches the subject of aging parents with humor. The book is informative and I learned a lot from it. Those with the same questions I have/had may benefit from reading this.

[Aketzle · Rating 4 out of 5]

This did offer a lot of helpful perspective and things to consider. It definitely helped me think about how things might be seen by other siblings - that each sibling, despite perhaps having the same parents, did not necessarily have the same childhood or relationships with those parents. It calmed me down a lot on the issue, about which I had recently gotten a bit frantic and perhaps paranoid. There were some criticisms, but they're fairly minor, so I'll leave them unsaid and just say that I definitely think this book would be very helpful to anyone dealing with any stage of parental aging and caregiving.

[Karen · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was okay, but not as helpful as I'd hoped. The case studies were very specific, and it seemed as if much more time was put into the narration of those situations than into actual advice as to how to cope with them. Also, I never felt that she quite got to MY situation. Of course, there wasn't a "you're right and your brother is WRONG" chapter, so that might be what I was looking for and felt was lacking. :-}

[Margy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this was very informative in understanding the psychological complexities that play into not only the parent/child relationship in dealing with aging parents, but the the sibling to sibling relationships. From the case examples in the book it sounds as though some families are able to finally figure it out and successfully navigate through this process. Unfortunately, I know there are others where this is not the case and some relationships become permanently severed as a result.

[Wren · Rating 4 out of 5]

Russo interviews a number of siblings about their experience caring for an ailing parent. She focuses on the emotional landscape of these events (sibling rivalries, shifting family roles and such), but she does have some detail on pragmatics of health care.

[Lily Sun · Rating 4 out of 5]

07/11/2012 halfway through

[Mark · Rating 5 out of 5]

Must read of you or your family are talking care of your parents

[Jenny · Rating 2 out of 5]

Good book, I skimmed some of it because it doesn't really apply to me (yet). Just curious.