And Baby Makes More

by Chloë Brushwood Rose (Editor)

And Baby Makes More: Known Donors, Queer Parents, and Our Unexpected Families explores the role of the "known donor" in the queer family structure: what happens when would-be dyke moms or gay dads ask a friend or acquaintance to donate sperm or an egg, or to act as a surrogate? A quirky, funny, and occasionally heartbreaking collection of personal essays, this book offers an intimate look at the relative risks and unexpected rewards of queer, do-it-yourself baby-making, and the ways in which families are re-made in the process. With no clear models to follow, these new versions of the queer family are creating their own, addressing questions such as: What's the difference between being a donor and being a parent? What happens to non-biological parents when a known donor is also part of the picture? When and how does biology count-or does it? Why do parents choose known donors, and what happens if things get ugly? And what does all this mean for queer families already facing extraordinary social pressures? The contributors-donors, biological and non-bio parents, and their children-offer provocative, nuanced insights into what it means to be or use a known donor and how queer families are being reconceived to include new roles, new rules, and kinship ties that transcend biology.

Genres: Parenting, Queer, Nonfiction, LGBT, Anthologies, Canada

236 pages, Paperback

First published October 1, 2009

About the author

Chloë Brushwood Rose is an Assistant Professor in the Faculty of Education at York University.

Reviews

[Max · Rating 5 out of 5]

My girlfriend picked this book up for some close friends who are diving into baby-making with a known donor (who is also my close friend and housemate). I saw it on the table, picked it up and couldn't put it down -- the intended recipients had to wait for me to finish! I loved experiencing the vastly different perspectives, roles, and backgrounds represented in this book. Many of the folks represented here are different from me in a variety of ways -- class, race, even values -- but that's part of what I loved. This book really made me recognize how deeply I appreciate being queer and the tremendous gift of the opportunity to construct "family" in new ways, and to develop new language to describe our experience as we try to create the world we want to live in (babies or not!).

[Deb · Rating 3 out of 5]

I wanted to like this book more than I did, sadly. The quality of the essays felt uneven, for starters. I'm well aware that some of my reservations about the book are because I'm well past the "spoog in a jar" stage and it's no longer that interesting. Also, my kids' other mom and I are no longer in relationship and, if forced to label myself, I would say I'm a single dyke mom with halftime respite care.

Given my current life situation in the Midwest with very little in the way of queer community, reading about the proverbial "army of ex-lovers that cannot fail" and fluid networks of extended queer family rings hollow. The essays I enjoyed the most were by grownup kids reflecting on their experiences growing up in non-traditional families. There's no story reflecting my parenting reality in a more isolated, less queer friendly environment, perhaps that is my tale to tell!

[Hannah · Rating 3 out of 5]

I put this collection on my to-read list as soon as I heard of its impending publication--regardless of the quality of the book, I was so excited to have anything to read that remotely mirrored how we chose to create our family. Like all anthologies, there's a wide variation in the eloquence of the pieces. And because the editors were clearly committed to representing the full spectrum of how this kind of situation can play out, there are a few stories that made me cringe and hope this book didn't get into the hands of the wrong people. (I had a heart attack on our lawyer's behalf about a real-life version of the donor-shopping plot in the pilot episode of the L Word, which I had really hoped was a Hollywood-only scenario). Still, I am so glad that this book exists for the purposes of both (1) having something to give curious people who wonder about families like ours and (2) offering a glimpse of what this kind of arrangement can look like for anyone considering building such a family.

[SueB · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am so glad this book exists and that i had the opportunity to read it. It's the most radical view of what it means to be a "parent" I've read. As the fetus soon becomes a baby I felt the least alone I have felt in months while reading this book and that my parent/not parent dilemma might be shared by some other folks out there.

Tho I'm the second adult in this household not the donor I found all these stories interesting and supportive of our attempts to "do this differently"

[Red · Rating 5 out of 5]

this was quite good, and I just wanted more - more families, more details, more arrangements, more words, more options. the essays were pretty revealing and personal; it felt like I got to sit down with a whole bunch of queers who are just around life's next big corner from me and hear about how they're doing it. what a gift.

[Susan]

I'm biased -- I edited it!

[Heather Rixen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would recommend anyone who is queer and wants to have children to read this book.
It was so amazing to read the different stories from people who have created their family’s in many different ways. It opens your mind to how family’s are created and what makes a family.
I throughly enjoyed this book.

[Erika · Rating 5 out of 5]

Any person considering growing a family through any kind of known-donor scenario will enjoy this book. Although the mystic of “unknown” parameters and possible situations increased as a I read, it was enlightening to hear all of the different perspectives. So good.

[Natalie Lerner · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this collection of essays from people who’ve experienced all different sides of known-donor or surrogate queer family structures. Even though it’s slightly dated, it gave me a lot to think about, and I’m grateful it exists - would love to read an update version or a second volume!

[Kaity Molé · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a super refreshing read and was beautiful to read all the different family formations. It did get a little repetitive towards the end with donor sperm stories but overall was really great.

[Lindsey · Rating 3 out of 5]

Five stars for concept and one excellent essay by Tobi Hill-Meyer, negative two stars for execution and editing. Like another reviewer said below, I wanted to like this so much more than I did.

[Anders · Rating 3 out of 5]

As others have said, I wanted to like this book more than I did.

It’s insightful and covers a wide range of stories and families. That being said, some of the essays are better than others.

[jess · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's tough to rate this book because there is almost nothing like it to compare it to. It's an anthology of personal stories that span the spectrum of what families might look like when created with queer parents and known donors. There are lesbians, dykes, gay men, bisexual & straight people represented in this book. There are people all across the gender spectrum, and people and across the spectrum of monogamy and polyamorous relationships, as well as households that are shared or communal. There are stories from biological and non-biological parents, children of known donors, donors themselves, wives and partners of donors, etc. There are also families that are not white, a rare breath of fresh air in an anthology from the lesbian community. The biggest take-home message is that there are so many ways to make a family. Love makes a family, not biology.

Since this is an anthology, I have an immediate desire to hate it & recommend that many of the pieces either be scrapped or edited much more severely -- but I feel this way about every single anthology I ever read. Overall, this is better than most anthologies, but still suffers from uneven writing ability. The book gets bonus points for the breadth of experiences. While it may not reflect the entire reality of making a family with known, donated genes, it is a good start at least.

[Emelda · Rating 3 out of 5]

Really an 3.5, but not quite a 4, so... I've been on a "validating myself and my life choices" kick, so reading about chosen families- wether that be queer families, poly families, single parent families, etc. etc., have felt really good. All these stories vary but have a single theme- families coming together for/because of a child and/or growing to include a child. I wish there had been more adoption (non-kinship and/or not just gay adoption of a partner's biological child). I enjoy stretching the definition of what makes a family, and this book made me really think about my childhood. I wish there had been more people of color's stories included- I feel like I grew up with a loose sense of what "family" meant, but that may stem from both my incredibly multicultural family and my class background. Also, it could have used more gay men having children and sharing their stories. The writing abilities of each essay contributor varied greatly, but that happens with such specifically themed anthologies. It was a needed read for my mood of late, even if it didn't change or expand any of my thoughts currently.

[Meg · Rating 3 out of 5]

I very much enjoyed this anthology and reading different perspectives and experiences of different family structures. A special standout was one woman's artistic representation (not really a "comic" comic) of her infertility experiences as well as her partner's experience of getting pregnant. It was beautifully drawn and written, and very moving.

My main criticism is that the writing quality was uneven and some pieces would have benefited from more editing, in my opinion.

[puck · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars? I wish there was more diversity here, both in the stories told and in the families telling them. it seemed like mostly stories about sperm donors and folks who used donors to help have kids, and i would've liked to hear more stories from folks who had surrogates carry their kids. it would also have been grand to hear from more trans folks, but that could just be my selfish/achey desire to hear more stories about families like mine.

[Katherine · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fabulous book!!

[Phoebe · Rating 5 out of 5]

A really good collection representing a diverse range of queer families' experiences.

[Elisa Rolle · Rating 5 out of 5]

2010 Rainbow Awards Honorable Mention (5* from at least 1 judge)

[Megan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great variety of perspectives on creating families with known donors.

[Kim · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautifully written.

[Cadie Holmes · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed some of these stories. It definitely got me thinking about queer parenting in ways that had not occurred to me before.