Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft

by Mary Hopkins-Best

"Toddler Adoption" looks at the unique joys and challenges of adopting and parenting a toddler. When a child aged is adopted between the ages of 12 to 36 months, they often show signs of cognitive and emotional immaturity, which can cause behavioral and relational issues. This book offers support and practical tools to help parents prepare for and support the toddler's transition between the familiar environment of their biological parent's home or foster home to a new and unfamiliar one, and considers the issues that arise at different developmental stages. It highlights the challenges that parents are likely to encounter, but also gives positive guidance on how to overcome them. Written by a specialist in children's development who is also an adoptive parent herself, this fully revised and updated edition of the go-to-source on adopting toddlers is essential reading for both parents and professionals working with adoptive families.

Genres: Adoption, Parenting, Nonfiction, Family

272 pages, Paperback

First published May 31, 1997

Reviews

[Jenny (Reading Envy) · Rating 4 out of 5]

The irony is I rediscovered this book on the shelf as we prepped our home for a toddler. (The book arrives when the reader is ready?) It was useful, attempts to cover a wide range of experiences (not just international), and gives fair warning that the biggest challenge is bedtime and naptime. We are working on it.

[Rachel N · Rating 3 out of 5]

Toddler Adoption reads like a text book with a few personal stories mixed in. It is well written and well-organized - a worthwhile purchase. I gleaned some useful insights and I will likely refer back to this book in years to come.

My frustration with adoption books, so far, is that they are so clinical and theoretical, explaining in great detail the challenges of attachment issues and the deep rooted issues from which they stem. While it is certainly valuable to have an understanding of where your adopted child may be coming from emotionally and psychologically, at this stage in our process, I am hungry for the PRACTICAL. Somebody tell me HOW to be intentional about attachment. Give me something tangible. Give me a starting point. Give some hands-on tips of how to foster a bond from day one with our God-given gifts, these children we are called to steward.

I was reading this book at work on my lunch break and when I reached PAGE 196, I read the section title, "Parental Strategies to Foster Attachment," I exclaimed out loud, "Finally!" Finally something I can sink my teeth into! The next several pages provided some simple pieces of advice - like, when pushing your child on the swing, stand in front of him, rather than behind. Eye contact and physical touch are so important, with all children, but particularly with adopted children with whom we are "making up ground" in the area of attachment.

While reading all of these books, I keep in mind that, ultimately, the Holy Spirit is our teacher. We are stewarding God's children and all the wisdom we need to raise these little people is found in Him. We will take it one day at a time and enjoy the process.

[Lt · Rating 1 out of 5]

Before purchasing this book, I would suggest reading up on some of the practices the author recommends. As she writes, "I am an advocate of using therapeutic holding with a rejecting child, and recommend the process described by Dr. Martha Welch".

Children have died from this kind of therapy. "International attention was attracted to the problem of HT (holding therapy) in 2000 when a 10-year-old American girl died in the course of treatment. Other deaths, caused by parents following the advice of therapists, have been less well publicized" (International Concerns About Holding Therapy, John Mercer).

"The American Professional Society on Abuse of Children (APSAC) mounted a task force to investigate the use of HT and published a report (Chaffin et al., 2006) rejecting the use of the treatment or related methods" (Mercer).

Ms. Hopkins-Best herself writes in her book that "Intrusive therapy involves physical and verbal provocation to bring out the child's feelings of loss, pain, rage, helplessness, and hopelessness...During the entire process, the designated body holders restrain the child to emphasize that they are in charge."

Jan Hunt writes in The Dangers of Holding Therapy: "It is human nature to resent and resist the use of force. The use of forced holding by a parent will inevitably engender strong feelings of fear, confusion, helplessness, anger, and betrayal as the child's natural attempts to break free are disregarded by those they have come to love and trust...the child finally understands that freedom comes only by giving in to outside control - a dangerous lesson to give to a young child... Imposing any action by force on a child, who is in no position to make an informed choice, is unconscionable. Even if there were an emotional "breakthrough", it would be at a great hidden cost, as there is no way to avoid the child's feelings of anger, frustration, resentment, and betrayal."

Ms. Linda Rosa, RN, states it best: "Attachment Therapy is the worst quackery in our nation today. To our most vulnerable children — adoptive, foster and minority children — ‘Attachment (Holding) Therapy’ and ‘Therapeutic Parenting’ means nothing less than a childhood of relentless torture. How is inflicting fear, pain, humiliation, bizarre notions of reality, threats, forced intimacy, and isolation from friends and family — how is all this expected to lead a child to trust, love, and be happy? We do know it has led to death.”


Sources:
http://www.jkp.com/blog/2012/07/when-...
(article by Hopkins-Best)
http://rsw.sagepub.com/content/24/2/1...
(International Concerns About Holding Therapy, John Mercer)
http://www.naturalchild.org/jan_hunt/...
http://www.childrenintherapy.org/vict... (with some of the known abuse and death cases)

More resources: http://rsw.sagepub.com/content/17/4/5...
(Holding Therapy and Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy Are Not Supported and Acceptable Social Work Interventions: A Systematic Research Synthesis Revisited)

[Jodi · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this not as a potential adoptive parent, but as a survivor of adoption myself. I went to my third set of caregivers at the age of 21 months in what became an international relative adoption, and this book sheds quite a bit of light on what my perceptions and experiences must have been during that time. The author's detailed explanation of attachment difficulties is very enlightening. However, from my own experience (which admittedly did not include a secure attachment to my adopters) the intrusive attachment strategies she describes sound controversial, even threatening, and may add to the attachment-challenged child's fear and trauma rather than heal it. My own belief is that a newly adopted child has suffered at least one, and usually multiple developmental traumas, and these traumas need to begin to heal before any attachment strategy can become effective. No matter how entitled an adoptive parent wants to feel, the fact is the child does not immediately recognize the new adopters as "parents" and this acceptance may not occur for some time - in some cases it never does. I would be interested in more follow-up writing about children adopted as toddlers, particularly internationally, as they grow into adulthood.

[Meredith Broadwell · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book contains plenty of things to think about if you are considering toddler adoption. Specifically, my main concerns were transition and building attachment, and there are specific ideas to help with both. Our family has been blessed with time and opportunity to have a slow and smooth transition, and I feel this book helped us plan for it (especially since we were unsuccessful at receiving professional help... Don't get me started on how difficult it's been to see a professional).

I ended up skimming a fair amount of the first few chapters (we were over two years and three disruptions into our adoption journey) and I'm glad I didn't skip them completely. The author still came at some issues in a way I had not considered before and it was helpful.

I think this book is best suited for families planning for an international adoption. Or maybe our domestic situation was just so different from the typical toddler adoption that the info felt almost like overkill (in a good way!). I would always rather be over prepared than under prepared. And although we are only a few weeks into bringing our son home, this book constantly had me thinking "Wow, this could be so much harder and more challenging than it is." But perhaps this book helped put things into perspective.

Recommended for those considering toddler adoption.

Chapters include:
2. Is Toddler Adoption for You?
4. The Adoption Transition
6. Parenting the Grieving Toddler (fantastic and info I have not seen anywhere else)
8. Behavior Management

[Desiree Smolin · Rating 2 out of 5]

I've been a part of the international adoption community for more than a decade now and had heard over and over again what a great book this is. On the positive side, "Toddler Adoption, the Weaver's Craft" contains absolutely essential information about child development and attachment in children. Information that absolutely every prospective adoptive parent should not just know, but mull over in their minds and hearts. Adoption is simply HARD on children. Seeing it through the eyes of the child is essential and this book helps put adoption in the context of the child's losses. PAP's tend to think only of what children gain and not what they lose in the transaction. While other reviewers may complain that the book scared them and was unnecessarily negative, I tend to think that if anything the book is too unstated and gentle in describing both what children experience and what can go wrong. But also in talking about the difficulties that persist long-term even when things go relatively well. But at least it gets down to brass tacks in some way which is more than most sugar-coated, PAP-marketed books do. Beyond the essential content--its best aspect--this book is hard to read simply because of the way it's written. An official, pedantic style that makes it hard to slog through. I found myself having to reread paragraphs to figure out whether words were simply stacking up or whether there was some real content hidden in them somewhere that might be helpful to someone. Many times the answer seemed to be that words were simply stacking up. However, about 2/3's of the way through the book I finally found the real content. I wish the author had simply stated this real content at the beginning of the book and then had spent the remainder of the book exploring the details and implications of this real content. I found myself believing that the author knew about general child development, but hadn't really thought about the implications of that content in the context of adoption except in the most general ways. I was a little amused when she cited popular magazines as sources for statements she made. All in all, the book fills a void in the adoption literature but I think it could have done a better job of doing so.

[Diem · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm not sure I'd recommend this book to someone just *thinking* about adoption. That would be like recommending "The Blair Witch Project" to someone just *thinking* about going camping. But, for someone already committed to the idea or in the thick of it, there is valuable information here. Tread cautiously and remember that the author's research is fairly limited in it's scope. Your mileage may vary.

[Christie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Less doom and gloom than some of the adoption resources I've read, which is certainly helpful for integrating new information. Less specific, practical strategies than I expected but a very worthwhile read for anyone considering toddler adoption.

[Laura Aldridge · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is very comprehensive and I really appreciate the time and energy that was spent in gathering multiple sources of adopted toddlers for interviews. While it can be a bit heavy from the medical/technical side of things I really appreciate that deep dive to better understand all the many unknowns that one might step into with toddler adoption. Some of the items are scary, some seem impossible and yet all are discussed with a straightforward no nonsense approach. A solid read and a must for anyone thinking of adopting.

[Haley · Rating 3 out of 5]

Read the first half, skimmed the rest. Made me very sure we were right to adopt a toddler! Which is good since there's no going back now... :) definitely a must-read for those considering or in the midst of a toddler adoption.

[Ami Brainerd · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some information in this book won't be surprising to any parent who has already raised toddlers, but chapters 6-8 are essential for those adopting toddlers. This book helped me learn how a toddler will grieve and how to support that grief. Would recommend to anyone adopting a toddler.

[Jena · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book easy to read and very insightful into the daily struggles of adopting and raising a toddler. A bit of the book was repetitive and slightly outdated since it was written in the 90s but overall I found the book to be helpful in anticipation of the situations adoptive parents will be (or currently are) facing.

[Jayde · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ugh!

I didn't love this book. It was so negative i didn't want to finish it but had to for our adoption requirements.

[Silena · Rating 4 out of 5]

Provides a lot of helpful information about the special circumstances of adopting a toddler

[Cassandra · Rating 3 out of 5]

I can see how this book would be extremely useful for those adopting toddlers. My husband and I are adopting a pre-teen but this book was recommended to us regardless of the age we're adopting. I felt it was very useful in becoming aware of all the potential issues you and your child can face, especially if your child is adopted from an orphanage and has any sort of institutional delays.

That said, this book still has the same issue I have with most adoption books. It details the problems you could face but doesn't spend nearly as much time outlining possible solutions. It presents a worst case scenario with some (but not many) helpful suggestions.

I did love the final paragraph in the last section of the book:
"People who adopt are entitled to parent their children through law and through love. We are not perfect parents, but we are the right parents for our children. We can never convince everyone we meet that toddler adoption is a first-rate route to parenthood, but what we believe in our hearts is more important than what others believe. Parents' belief in the rightness of their decision to parent is the foundation upon which they build their families. There is no reason to feel guilty. Perfectionism is burdensome and self-defeating. Accepting imperfection in yourself frees you (and perhaps your child) from the burden of unrealistic expectations. No parent is perfect, and your best is good enough. If you have made a mistake, in almost all cases it can be corrected" (257).

[Kaitlin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Kudos to the author for creating a realistic, thorough picture of what it's like to adopt a toddler. The author challenges her readers to question why they want a toddler (do they really want a baby but think it's too hard to get one?) and emphasizes that one must really want a toddler to be successful in raising a happy one. Further, she explains why parents with bio children can't expect their adopted toddlers to behave as their bio kids did at the same age, behavioral/emotional problems that are to be expected, and communication challenges that one faces with a little person who has a personality but lacks healthy ways to express himself.

I am still not sure what age my husband and I want to adopt, but now I understand why other books alluded to the conception that toddlers are one of the hardest ages to adopt. Having read this will help me make a more informed decision, and if we do adopt a toddler, I will use it to help me attach with the child.

[smalls · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have to admit I skimmed most of the first section of this book. Not something I normally do. But I am already convinced of adopting a toddler, so I found much of it more for people who are on the fence or just not sure what age child they want. In the middle section of the book I have been much more thorough. More of the information is pertinent and can be useful as long as you realize the events are not for all toddler adoption cases. Much of it is just typical toddler behaviour. For me much of this book was a refresher course of everything I learned in my early childhood education classes. There were a few new things that will be helpful for me in the future. But most of it was just a refresher course. I think this book is great for anyone adopting toddlers that has not taken early childhood education courses. Or has only taken one course.

[Jessica · Rating 3 out of 5]

We're not adopting a toddler, primarily because this will be our first child and we want to experience (however selfish it may be) infancy. I skimmed most of this book and read the parts that seemed appropriate. I think adopting a toddler is a great thing, just not for us. It seems like much of this book is applicable to people adopting slightly younger or older children. I felt like she was calling me out at times by saying that toddler adoption should be deliberate. I think all adoption aspects should be as deliberate as possible, but sometimes you can't predict what's going to happen.

[Kathy Stinson · Rating 3 out of 5]

Strong on the issues of grieving and attachment that are common to varying degrees with toddler adoptions.

I would have found this book even more valuable had the author surveyed a larger field of families who'd adopted toddlers. Given the number of international adoptions in the survey, I would have appreciated more insight into the issue of language acquisition too. But I grant that I may be asking too much.

Toddler Adoption is a huge subject and this book does an admirable job of providing an overview of what adoptive parents can anticipate, and feel blessed if their situations prove less challenging than many that are presented here.

[Meredith · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read this book two months before bringing home my toddler from Ethiopia. It scared the hell out of me. I guess it's always good to expect the worst and hope for the best. Of course, every child is different, but our toddler has adjusted and attached to us like a dream, and none of the nightmarish behaviors described in this book have thus far manifested. That being said, adopting older children is not for the faint of heart; the main message of this book, that adopted children are not blank slates, should be considered by every adoptive parent.

[Mary · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the only book I know of focused on toddler adoption. It's good. But we need a new book, a bunch of them on this topic. There are so many people adopting toddlers that this subject deserves more specific research and writing. I found this book a little bleak. Turns out Moses hasn't struggled with barely any of these issues, and after reading this book, I didn't even know it was possible for things to go this well. But I am a prepare for the worst kind of person, so I appreciated the candor of this book. An important read for all considering toddler adoption. Go in with eyes wide open.

[Jessica · Rating 2 out of 5]

I did not like this book. While much of the book may be what an adoptive parent should realistically expect, it puts toddler adoption in a very negative light. Sure, there are issues inherent with, and unique to toddler adoption, however, the joys so far outweigh the negatives. I can see it being a good book to reference as issues arise, however, it hasn't been worthwhile to me; I could not make it through the book and probably never will.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was required reading for our adoption. It is enlightening, but scary at the same time. This book only talks about all the bad things that can happen with adopting a toddler. It will be a good reference when we do get our toddler but at the time i first read this- I don't have him or her yet and this book about freaked me out. It will go on my reference shelf- maybe i will update this after we adopt to see if it was actually useful when we have a child.

[Rachel · Rating 3 out of 5]

i wasn't super into this book the first time i read it, but once my daughter came home at 16 months old i revisited and found it helpful. the writing style isn't super organized and i think that's what put me off the first time. but there is definitely good info in here on what your toddler will go thru as he or she makes her transition into your family, along with some good suggestions for helping foster attachment.

[Sheila Derr · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an amazingly thorough book! While we have yet to complete our own adoption, we found this book to be very helpful in preparing for the arrival of a toddler. There are many differences between a biological and adopted child, particularly toddlers...this book is a helpful tool in preparing through those days of 'expecting.'

[Shannan]

Obviously I am gearing up for when we get Ruby. Anyone else know of any good adoption books? Including childrens books...I would love to have some childrens books at home about adoption. If you think about it a lot of children's characters were adopted: Harry Potter
Sleeping Beauty
Cinderella
Superman
Spiderman
Stuart Little
Tarzan
Kind of interesting

[Amber · Rating 3 out of 5]

After reading the first chapter I wondered why anyone would adopt a toddler, but the author's tone softens up a bit in subsequent chapters. There's no sugar-coating and Hopkins-Best presents the challenges and rewards as thoroughly as possible. She combines her first-hand knowledge of adopting a toddler internationally with anecdotes gathered from other adoptive families.

[Tundra · Rating 5 out of 5]

Exceptional Resource

Very informative while simultaneously easy to absorb. I especially appreciated the supportive encouraging tone throughout the book. It was very reassuring even when addressing complications such as special needs, attachment difficulties, and post adoption stressors.

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was interesting. I really liked that fact that there was more room for different parenting styles in this book. Ms. Hopkins-Best's personal accounts of how things developed with her child Gustavo were inspiring.

[Mirande · Rating 5 out of 5]

I highly recommend this book. It has a great number of anecdotes within the larger text, and these are fascinating/hopeful/helpful/worrying/realistic. An older book, just slightly outdated in some ways, but not in the more important ones.