He'll Be Ok: Growing Gorgeous Boys Into Good Men

by Celia Lashlie

Do you think you'll ever have a life plan? No. So how will your life sort itself out? Oh, that's easy. I'll be about 25 and some gorgeous-looking chick will walk past. She'll have a great plan, so I'll just hook onto her.

Do you think you'll ever have a life plan? No. So how will your life sort itself out? Oh, that's easy. I'll be about 25 and some gorgeous-looking chick will walk past. She'll have a great plan, so I'll just hook onto her. 'Celia doesn't tell men how to raise their boys . instead she provides tools for parents who want their sons to become good men. She is a significant asset to this country and a personal inspiration.' - Norm Hewitt Adolescent boys - they seem to disappear into another world where they barely communicate, and where fast cars, alcohol and drugs are constant temptations. Will they survive to become good men? How can parents and schools understand them and help them through this difficult and dangerous time? Celia Lashlie has some of the answers. After years working in the prison service she knows what can happen when boys make the wrong choices. She also knows what it's like to be a parent - she raised a son on her own and feared for his survival. During the recent Good Man Project she talked to 180 classes of boys throughout New Zealand, and what she found was surprising, amusing and, in some cases, frightening. In this funny, honest, no-nonsense book Celia Lashlie reveals what goes on inside the world of boys, and that it is an entirely different world from that of girls. With clarity and insight she offers parents - especially mothers - practical and reassuring advice on raising their boys to become good, loving, articulate men. Researcher and social commentator Celia Lashlie is the author of the bestselling the Journey to who goes and why. the first woman prison officer in a male prison, she became manager of Christchurch Women's Prison in 1997 and has since worked in a number of areas linked to at-risk children. Celia, who has a degree in anthropology and Maori, is the mother of two adult children. She lives in Wellington.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Self Help, Education, Psychology, Adult, Mental Health

224 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2005

Reviews

[Helen - Great Reads & Tea Leaves · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent book - every mother should have it as a manual for continued referral.

[Claire · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very premature parenting reading, but a gal loves to think ahead. Lots of relevant salient insight to be mindful of when making choices raising boys (and in my case working with them). One I’ll be revisiting.

[Sandra Lopes · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was recommended to me 3 years ago as I was really struggling with teaching my year 10 and year 11 male students and had tried every strategy in my area of expertise ( have been teaching high school students for 13 years).... I really like the perspective that Celia Lashlie takes and her philosophy on how gorgeous boys can turn out to be good men.... She is very experienced with her many relentless years working in men's prisons. Her studies are very well researched and I loved the concept behind ''the good man project" - she worked tirelessly with many school principals across Australia and New Zealand....... I was very impressed that Principals made the time to see through this project ..... This book I felt assisted me both professionally and personally, my husband and I are trying to raise our gorgeous son into a good man..... I was so inspired by this book when I read it in 2008 that it was one of the reasons I choose to send my son to a single sex school- I feel that the school he is at will continue to instill the morals my husband and I so strongly believe in....... Top book to read if you want to learn more about raising boys!!..... I am also a huge fan of Barbara Holborow(who has been a lawyer for 25 years specialising as a magistrate in children's court) who wrote the forward in this book..... Definitely worth a read.

[Murray Cumming · Rating 2 out of 5]

I found this rather disappointing, shallow, and surprisingly complacent.

There is some useful advice, mostly about expecting more independence from your children, so they learn to make decisions before those decisions have serious consequences, but that's just a few sentences of common sense.

Otherwise, it seems to be a product of a conservative society where boys and men have very clearly defined roles, very separate from girls and women. Even more so in the boys-only schools that it discusses. It seems to simply say that women should blindly leave men to guide boys into their natural place in this world, and that women are fundamentally incapable of even understanding how that would work. It makes sweeping generalisations about what boys should be and what they need. This feels like the problem rather than the solution.

I hope that mothers don't believe that they aren't capable of raising their kids after a certain age, particularly when men have often been of little help until then. As a father, I reject the idea that men have some mysterious magic way to raise kids from adolescence.

[joayenne · Rating 1 out of 5]

This was used as a comparison study in one of my Education classes, and was unanimously panned by the class. In parts it is downright offensive to mothers (particularly single mothers), and the methodology used is completely terrible and unethical (bribing highschool students for information by trading for stories about her time in the prison service?!). Please read Nigel Latta's Mothers Raising Sons instead.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I first read this when it didn't seem at all relevant to the eldest of my gorgeous sons. He was still a pre-schooler. As he is now an adolescent I thought it was a good idea to read it again and I am so glad I did. I have made a few changes as a result...stopped making lunch for my youngest son (who has a bit of learned helplessness being the baby of the family ) and trying not to sweat the small stuff (the messy rooms), and also trying to encourage them to take responsibility for their own laundry.

But the biggest thing this book helped me with is realise that if for some reason I was not going to be around to see them grow up (long story but there is a reason I was thinking along such lines!) they and my husband would be perfectly fine without me. And that was a huge relief to me at a time of potentially bad news healthwise. It made me feel a lot for sanguine that whatever we faced as a family my boys would turn into good men.

[StMargarets · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed reading this very short book, which focuses on research done over ten years ago in boy's schools in New Zealand. The author uses lots of quotes and humorous anecdotes of teenage boys describing their interior life. I liked her positive attitude about boys - how they are pragmatic (why they do things at the last minute), how they are intuitive (they don't talk as much as girls, but they notice what's going on), how they are in the moment (so you need to remind them that there will be another moment coming soon, when they are depressed or discouraged).

This really isn't a parental how to book. It's observational - not prescriptive.

[Cass · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this book as a teacher on the recommendation of a colleague. I presented a view of men and women that was someone at odds with my feminist beliefs about how things ought to be. I really didn't think that I had gained much from it.

However as I dealt with young men on a daily basis some of the reflections stuck in my mind, giving me insight as to why a young man (and sometimes young women) might behave in this way. The book also made me question my teacher-centric need for order I.e. What is wrong with him being boisterous in that situation.

[Michael · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you want to understand boys, all you need to do is read this book. The author gets boys completely.

[SusyHD · Rating 2 out of 5]

The author has some solid theories that make a lot of sense: respect your son's space, time with men especially can be a positive influence on adolescent boys and boys seem to have low levels of resilience but are desperate to hide their emotions behind anger. The advice to mothers in general is to back off and trust their sons to be ok, and I could understand where Lashlie was coming from and found some of the advice sound. The school years were a little confused as the transition from New Zealand to England wasn't quite cleanly done, but largely the book was readable enough.
The main reason for the two star review is that this book is based on one person's opinion with no actual data or references to back it up. Lashlie visited 25 different schools to talk to boys but confesses that she didn't record any of the conversations she had as it would have interrupted the flow, instead relying on her own memory. Her conclusions about boys and how they differ from girls are all her opinions, therefore, and I found it frustrating to realise how many examples of 'male behaviour' I had displayed as an adolescent girl, as this only reminded me that she had done no research. For example, she talks about how boys are drawn to drinking and bingeing in a way that girls 'cannot relate to', but it would have only taken a two-second internet search to discover that girls are the heavier bingers these days. As such, I found this book irritating and a massive wasted opportunity. Had Lashlie researched her topic and presented her evidence with inarguable examples, she could have produced a book that was just as readable. Besides being an ok read it could have been an example of research which may have had a real impact on parenting and education and perhaps even the New Zealand male prisons in which she had worked.

[Amelia · Rating 3 out of 5]

Despite having this recommended by multiple friends, I just didn't love it.

I felt like I was constantly being bashed over the head with "all women do parenting wrong when it comes to sons", and some of the suggestions read (to me) as if the recommendation is that us women basically vanish from the lives of our sons as they grow, while also not trying to have emotional connections with their dads.

Yes, I accept as a mum I should be stepping back as my child grows to enable them to have independence. I accept my son likely wont want to talk to me about how things are going when he's a teen. I know I'll worry about how he is doing.
I'm also not going to be a silent, invisible person in my male-dominated home, a shadow of myself who may as well not be there. That's not demonstrating a healthy relationship.

I didn't like how Lashlie also seemed to excuse teenaged boys for being misogynistic and homophobic, simply because "boys will be boys". Times have moved on since she wrote the book - I don't believe that should be accepted anywhere, although I have still been seeing recent evidence of "entitle-itis" in boys from local boys schools.

[Claire Belberg · Rating 4 out of 5]

A quick and entertaining read by a woman with guts! It's a pity Celia Lashlie has died - she was in the unique position of being able to speak authoritatively as both a mother and the first woman in New Zealand to work as a prison officer in male prisons. So much experience and compassion for men who have lost their way. This informs her book, a series of points learned in the Good Man Project where 25 New Zealand boys' schools worked with her to define a 'good man' and talk to teenage boys about what they think and why they do what they do.

The book is essentially targeted at the mothers, for whom Celia has both empathy and a tough attitude: get out of the way of the men! Let the fathers do what only they can do to help their teenage sons across 'the bridge of adolescence'. That said, she acknowledges that many, like herself, are parenting without the help of the father, and she has ideas for that too.

The dot point summaries at the end of each chapter were helpful for getting a clear take-home message about the project's findings, and the humour lightened the serious topic.

[Lucia Seul-Ki · Rating 2 out of 5]

May be I expected too much. I’ve read a lot of good reviews on this book and most of all this book is written by a kiwi author who is a single mum to a boy about kiwi boys. However, I have to admit I didn’t really enjoy reading this book as I felt a lot of parts are outdated. Nearly 20 years have passed since this book and a lot has been changed including technology, misogyny and other social contexts. Women and men may view the world different way and they may respond to one thing in different ways. But I don’t think “therefore, women, you don’t know anything about your sons because you’re not a man so let them be” can be a solution. If mothers cannot understand their sons Bessie they’re not male, then the same thing applies to the boys - they can’t understand their mother (and other women whom they have to have relationships throughout their lives) because they aren’t female. What we need is how to reconcile those differences rather than just leave the things in status quo.

[Karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

This looks like a great book for parents of boys. I know there are billions of them out there, but this seems to have a different angle.

I thought this had some great insights into the world of boys. The author was the first female prison guard in NZ and was asked to develop and carry out the Good Man project in boys schools in NZ. Her focus is on high school which over here starts in grade 7. She spent a great deal of time talking, on her own, to students in primarily all boy schools. Interestingly she was a single mother to a boy and a girl.

[Natalie Daly · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well, I haven't technically completed this book, however realise that I will be referring it to it time and again as my two young lads grow. I love the way Celia Lashlie writes with such passion for our young men and for supporting them in their brilliant futures, often by knowing when to step back and cheer from the sidelines. She and her book influenced our decision to choose an all boys school for our 12 year old son who has enjoyed a cracking first year with increased confidence and a growing self awareness that makes me feel rather emotional and extremely proud. Thank you Celia.

[Tama Wise · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not often I finish a non fiction book, but after lamenting troubles with a young nephew to a friend, he recommended this book. It is one mothers studies into the teenage mind, and how best to guide your teenage son from puberty to a hopefully safe life.

I find non fiction a horrible drag usually, but this book does a good deal of insights into the teenage mind. Cut into years and subjects, it's a fairly straight forward and well laid out read.

[Leanne Seymour · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great book for understanding boys at teenagers. Not having been raised in a family where there were any males made it very difficult for me when I was raising my children and especially my sons. Now as a grandmother I seek to understand more on this subject and this book was a tremendous help as well as very enlightening for me at the same time. Highly recommend this for all parents who are raising boys.

[Ali · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thought provoking, interesting and informative. I learnt so much from this book, although I would mention ideas to male friends and they looked bewildered that any of this had to be explained. Definitely recommended to parents of boys and anyone who works with boys.

[Sally Vandal · Rating 5 out of 5]

Initially I wondered where it was heading. Lots of background on “why”, but not so much “what”. But the book provides insights into males in general, I think. It was an “ah huh”! moment. I feel I can relax a bit now and just let things take their course, but still with lots of love from Mum.

[Steph · Rating 3 out of 5]

Srsly, he will. #3wordbookreview

3.5 stars

While I don't agree with all of the conclusions Celia draws, there is some really sensible advice in here for parents and teachers of teen boys.

[Shannon Edwards · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredibly insightful book...helped reassure me in getting on the right path, or off the bridge, in dealing with my teenage son!! Recommend to all Mothers raising sons, esp single Mum's..

[Tatiana Sheko]

I admit I didn't finish this book. Skimming the positive reviews I wonder if I should have pushed on, but I was annoyed by the generalisations and limited research.

[Tina Pronesti]

Very interesting read. Was able to look at things differently for my two boys.

[Sam · Rating 5 out of 5]

Compulsory reading for EVERY white, middle class mother in Australia & NZ.

[David Maywald · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an ideal book for the mothers of pre-teen and teenage boys. However, it’s also a worthwhile read for almost all men (and boys).

Most of the content draws from an assignment that Celia undertook that was called the Good Man Project. She was a Kiwi woman, who raised a daughter and a son, and then died at the age of 61 back in 2015.

“I’ve also written the book to honour men, their skill, their intuition, their pragmatism and their humour and their extraordinary ability to become boys again at a moment’s notice, whatever their age. I also want to suggest to women, in particular mothers, that, consciously or unconsciously, they’re preventing men from using their talents in raising their boys. The answer to the things that worry us most about our boys lies in recognising who they are rather than in trying to make them who they’re not.”

Celia referred to them all as “gorgeous boys”, teenage boys going through high school who are on the threshold of manhood. This is a remarkable and insightful book, which is full of humility and empathy.

“By their very existence boys’ schools encourage the building of a sense of pride in being male. In a world where there’s a great deal of discussion about the absence of positive male role models and where much of the media focus is on the more negative aspects of young men, the ability of boys’ schools to provide an alternative view cannot be underestimated.”

The original book was released in 2005. So we have been aware of these issues for two decades…

“Mothers, particularly white middle-class mothers, are overly involved in the lives of their adolescent sons… Men’s business at this point in the lives of boys is to guide them through adolescence. The women’s job is to step back.”

“There’s one thing I’d ask on behalf of the boys being raised by their mothers: Is it really concern for his safety that’s stopping you from letting him spend time with his father or is it a cloak you’re hiding behind for other reasons? Whatever our problems with the fathers of our sons, whatever level of justification we feel there is for our hurt, anger or grief, we have to remember that they’re our issues, our feelings, not our sons’. They have to be allowed to form their own view and we have to trust them to do so.”

The public discourse and media coverage of boys/young men is appallingly uninformed and narrow. It’s frankly embarrassing that liberal and free countries of the West have such pervasive bias and misinformation in our public deliberations. Attitudes are sharply critical of masculinity.

As a society we desperately need to listen to the voices of boys and young men, and listen to the thoughts and feelings from men of all ages. The Good Man Project, and He’ll Be OK by Celia Lashlie is a tiny part of this listening… We had these insights two decades ago, but they have been drowned out by narrow vested interests and loud/extreme activists. Instead of cowering and quietly going about their business, will the mothers of 2024 speak up for the interests of their sons? Celia Lashlie did, and she has left an indelible positive mark for all young men.

[Lydia Mills · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wondered what in particular I liked about this book, and saw the Author has been eductated in anthropology, so it really came across as she was really looking at these particular boys and men in their cultural narrative. This aspect I really enjoyed as she step back and observed and also allowed space, in a way showing the reader how to do so by her own example.

I think rather than being general of all Boys, the book is very specific for NZ at the time it was written, it would be interesting for a similar inquiry/experiment be done in different countries, over different decades.

This book is more for the pragmatic one, and I don't recommend it for the idealistic one.

[Fromwordstoworlds · Rating 2 out of 5]

The book relies mostly on personal anecdotes, presenting the author's observations from her school visits during the Good Man Project, alongside her personal views and conclusions. The absence of referenced research, concrete data, and evidence-based reasoning leaves the narrative without a solid foundation. While there are a handful of insightful observations, the book primarily offers a straightforward and easily digestible read, ultimately serving as a subjective opinion on potential approaches for raising boys.

[Sabrina · Rating 5 out of 5]

FABULOUS!! Honestly, one of the best books I've ever read. A must read for any parent of boys. I can't tell you how much this is going to help me, help my boys through their journey.

Men/boys need to find their voice again. They need to stop letting women tell them what to do and how to do it. Men are important and deserve space in this world.

Move over sista's . . .let the bro's journey with you, not behind. They are IMPORTANT!

[J.A. Piiper · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's challenging being the mother of males. Especially difficult dealing with those testosterone driven teenage years. Their engines are large and their brakes are sometimes poor. Any attempt at conversation is often met with grunts and eye rolls. What do you do with that? Celia gives us Mums some sound advice and even a few laughs. I still don't think I ever got off the bridge. To all the other bridge dwellers out there, read the book and good luck. :)

[Francesca Pashby · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is about the same age as my son (born 2005) ... and whilst there was lots in it that I can take on board and will try and use in my parenting, it also felt very outdated in a number of ways (ie. written before social media was such a 'thing' and homophobia - by males to other males - was barely touched upon). Still worth a read though.