The Civility Solution: What to Do When People Are Rude

by P.M. Forni

The acclaimed author of The Choosing Civility returns to the subject of common decency and thoughtful behavior.

Many of us find ourselves confronted with rudeness every day and don't know how to respond. From the intrusive cell-phone user who holds loud conversations in public to the hostile highway driver who cuts one off with a quick swerve of his car, politeness seems to be on a downward spiral, surprising us at every turn.
P.M. Forni, the author of Choosing Civility , has the answer. He knows that rudeness begets rudeness and, in The Civility Solution , shows us what to do when confronted with bad behavior by being assertive as well as civil. In more than one hundred different situations, he shows us how to break the rudeness cycle by responding to a variety of confrontations from bullying to rude internet behavior or the hurtful words of an insensitive family member. How would you respond to the following?

…A salesperson ignores your requests
…A fellow driver gives you the infamous "finger"
…Your child's playmate misbehaves
…Your boss publicly reprimands you

P. M. Forni has solutions for all of these and many more. In yet another simple and practical handbook, P. M. Forni presents logical solutions that reinforce good behavior and make our world a more civil place.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Relationships, Philosophy, Personal Growth, Psychology, Social Science

192 pages, Paperback

First published June 10, 2008

About the author

Dr. Pier Massimo Forni is a professor in the Department of Germanic and Romance Languages and Literatures, Johns Hopkins University. In 1997 he co-founded the Johns Hopkins Civility Project, an aggregation of academic and community outreach activities that is aimed at assessing the significance of civility, manners and politeness in contemporary society. It has been reconstituted as The Civility Initiative at Johns Hopkins, which Dr. Forni now directs.

Reviews

[Rachel · Rating 2 out of 5]

While some of the solutions in this book (which is comprised half of a treatise on what rudeness is and half of real-world solutions for dealing with specific situations) are useful, many of them sound patronizing.

"Excuse me, we are all here to enjoy the concert, but your conversation makes it very difficult for me to do so. Would you please keep that in mind for the rest of the show?"

"Ma'am, there is a fifteen-item limit in this lane. Would you please choose another?"

"Boss, all of us in the company respect your competence and experience. However, your department would respect you even more if you did a few simple things to build morale. I know they would appreciate your saying hello to everyone in the morning. It's a simple sign of acknowledgment, but it's important. Give the occasional pat on the back. Make your workers feel that they can do a good job, and when they do, show them you noticed. That will make all the difference." (It should be noted that this is a script suggested as an unsolicited piece of advice, not a response to the "Why do my employees hate me?" question.)

Or, and best, when interrupted in a business meeting: "Arnold, I am not finished. Do you understand? It is not your turn to speak yet. It is mine and I am using it. I will be glad to know when I'm done if you have trouble with that."

I don't know who can say this kind of stuff and get away with it--much of it is not actually that civil.

[Therese · Rating 2 out of 5]

The beginning was insightful, causing self-reflection ("Am I the rude one? What is rudeness? Why are we rude?". The second half, where this old-world gentleman of civility gives real-world advice, is just awful.

He councils responses to rudeness that, while technically not being rude themselves, are unrealistic, haughty and officious.

To paraphrase:

To the person who parks in the handicapped space without a placard, "You need to look at your conscious, and maybe next time, you'll choose right."

To the person ahead of you at the grocery who has too many items in the speed checkout, "You'll notice this lane's limit is 15. Please find another lane." ("If they will not, ask the cashier to alert the manager.")

Tasteless jokes at the office, "This sort of humor offends me. Please refrain from saying these things in my presence in future."

What is that? This advice, I promise you, will not work in real life. It's stilted, unfriendly and unnatural. It would embarrass, alienate, and cause people to become defensive, not friendly or accomadating. A book about countering rudeness should be about disarming situations, about being empathetic and confident, and finding ways to ethically get what you need no matter how the people around you are behaving.

[Carol · Rating 3 out of 5]

This books defines rudeness in the modern world. I particularly liked the difference between unfocused and focused rudeness. Its a good read for anyone who feels bullied by the world and wonders how to be part of a solution, not a problem.

[Dunori · Rating 4 out of 5]

Nice companion read to his other book, “Choosing Civility…”. I read it with my book club and we all agreed it has a noticeably different flow in its first half than in it second half. Most of them didn’t like the latter too much because of this but I however did because I found myself saying “been there” with many of the situations he described. I definitely wouldn’t take all the advice he gives on dealing with the predicaments, but I hope people who read the book that know they are guilty of causing some of them or similar uncivilities will be moved to consciousness to not do so in the future and encourage the same of others when/if they witness it.

[Jeff Scott · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an excellent book that describes why people are rude, how it affects people, and what to do about it. This type of book should be in the professional collections of a workplace.

Working in a service industry, this would be an essential book to read on how to handle and diffuse rude situations. It even provides hypothetical scenarios in the second half of the book. I would re-word some of the text in actual usage, not so much in the actual words used, but in how it is presented. I think another review said it sounded patronizing and I would agree. If presented differently, using the same carefully crafted words so that it doesn't escalate the situation, would be just as helpful.

I think this book had the best description on what causes rudeness
When people are Stressed, Unhappy, Rushed they become rude. There were some other excellent descriptions of what causes rudeness:

Individualism and lack of restraint (I'm more important than you or the group)
Inflated Self-worth
Low Self-worth
Materialism
Mental Health Problems
Injustice
Stress
Anonymity
Not needing others
Anger
Fear



What does rudeness do?
It adds to stress
It erodes self-esteem
It is bad for all kinds of relationships
It poisons the workplace
It escalates into violence

Eight Rules for a civil life
1. Slow down and be present in your life
2. Listen to the voice of empathy
3. Keep a positive attitude'
4. Respect others and grant them plenty of validation
5. Disagree graciously and refrain from arguing
6. Get to know the people around you
7. Pay attention to the small things
8. Ask, don't tell

How to improve your likability quotient
Set the mood, draw people out, be predictable (loyal and dependable), criticize thoughtfully, do not wait for people to ask for your help, appreciate what others do for you, never say anything mean spirited.

In dealing with rudeness:

State the facts
Inform the other person of the impact he or she had on you
Request that the hurtful behavior not be repeated

[Mary Lou · Rating 2 out of 5]

I don't mean to be rude, but this book wasn't very good. Like other reviewers, I thought it had promise in the first section where Forni explored rudeness in our society and its many causes. But the practical section in which he gave scenarios and solutions was, frankly, unsatisfactory. Forni came across as whiny, and only someone with the charm of Cary Grant could get away with most of these scripted responses. Most of us would come across as snarky and passive-aggressive.

Despite that, the crux of his advice was sound and I'll give it to you here to save you the time of reading the book: don't take it personally, it's usually not about you; and stand up for yourself, but try to do it kindly and diplomatically, and then, only if it's safe in the moment to do so.

[Jay · Rating 3 out of 5]

The first half of the book did a nice job of talking about the problem of rudeness in our lives. It gave good tips for adjusting one's thinking towards rudeness and how to avoid being rude to others. The second half of the book focused on examples and responses. The book's suggestions were a bit heavy-handed for me, encouraging more confrontation than I think is acceptable. I don't think people are generally going to act rationally when being called out on their rudeness.
It's worth reading, however, though I don't think Forni quite hits upon the full civility solution.

[Susan · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is separated into subject-based chapters (civility at work, etc.) that could conceivably make this a useful reference. Unfortunately, the scenarios aren't extensive enough to be truly useful. In addition, many of the prepared responses seem, at best, condescending and passive aggressive and sometimes even inflammatory.

[Peggy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked this book a lot. It gave me insight into why people are rude and what I should do about it. Whether it be at work, at the grocery store, on the highway or at home, there are times when people are just rude. This book gives advice about how to handle the rude person you meet along the way.

A friend and co-worker told me a story today to illustrate what to do when a co-worker is rude to you. She said she spoke to another worker and asked a question twice and never got an answer. She then said, 'If I have offended you in some way that you feel that you don't want to talk to me, let me know because I am trully sorry if I did". The person finally did speak to her after that. The book is full of all kinds of advise on dealing with rudeness from friends, family, spouses, strangers on the street,bullies, and co-workers. I found it to be very helpful.

[Megan · Rating 2 out of 5]

A bit dry. If I followed the advice from some of the scenarios (like confronting a person who took the parking space that I was obviously waiting for ) I think that I'd be likely to get shot by some redneck. My favorite part was there they emphasized going through life with a positive attitude. That part was very motivating.

[Erin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book! A follow-up to the first one. He offers the rules of civility in a more succinct way and focuses on what to do when others are NOT civil. He stresses the importance of ALWAYS responding civilly, even when others' behavior does not merit it. An uncivil act NEVER justifies an uncivil response.

[Mary · Rating 3 out of 5]

Forni's premise is obvious and has been stated everywhere from the Golden Rule to What I Learned in Kindergarten. The value of this book is in the vignettes: he teaches us to use our words when our initial inclination is to shoot the bird or let fly with a string of epithets, neither of which actually serves the purpose of communication very effectively.

[Emily · Rating 3 out of 5]

Part of this book made me focus on how rude people are! And the other half helped me focus on how I can be less rude. It had some good ideas and mostly suggested keeping your cool when other people are rude to you. Being rude back doesn't solve any problems.

[Maureen Weiner · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm very glad I read this book. It gives wonderful, practical advice for dealing with rudeness without resorting to rudeness. It's especially helpful to someone like me who does not find confrontation easy.

[Jeff Garrison · Rating 4 out of 5]

The late P. M. Forni was the founder of the Civility Institute at John Hopkins University. In this short book, he deals with issues we face all the time, encouraging people to take the high and honest road when dealing with rude people. It’s the only way to build a more civil world.

In the first chapter, Forni defines rudeness as a disregard for others and an attempt to “control through invalidation”). He lists the costs rudeness has for individuals, the economy, and society: stress, loss of self-esteem, lost of productivity, and the potential of violence. He also discusses the cause of rudeness, which is simplifies as a bad “state of mind”.

In the second chapter, Forni presents and explains how to prevent rudeness by listing and explaining eight rules for a civil life:
1. Slow down and be present in your life
2. Listen to the voice of empathy
3. Keep a positive attitude
4. Respect others and grant them plenty of validation
5. Disagree graciously and refrain from arguing
6. Get to know the people around you
7. Pay attention to the small things
8. Ask, don’t tell

In the third chapter, Forni writes about how we can “accept real-life rudeness.” He quotes Epictetus, who encourages us to want things to happen as they happen for a life to go well. After all, we can’t control other people, and if we expect that there will be rudeness in life, we won’t be surprised. But once we accept the situation, then we can act upon it, which may be to remove ourselves or to refuse to be react. “Rudeness is someone else’s problem foisted on you,” Forni note ((62). Once we accept reality, we may choose to respond appropriately and even assertively to redirect the situation.

In the fourth chapter, Forni writes about how we respond to rudeness, but does so by beginning with a wonderful (and very rude example) from two 18th Century British politicians. Scolding his rival, John Wilkes, John Montagu cried, “Upon my soul, Wilkes, I don’t know whether you’ll die upon the gallows or of syphilis.” Wilkes responded, “That will depend, my Lord, on whether I embrace your principles, or your mistress” (67). Forni suggests that when we encounter rudeness, we cool off, calm ourselves, don’t take it personally (often it’s not personal), and then decide what we need to do. While we may not respond to all situations, we don’t want to ignore all situations. When we do decide to confront, we need to state the problem, inform the offending party of its effect upon you, and request such behavior to cease. Forni then lists special situations such as bullying, rudeness at work, and rudeness with children.

The second half of the book consists of a series of case studies. Starting with those close to us, Forni offers examples of rudeness that we might face along with a solution to how we might confront the behavior. Other chapters deal with rudeness from neighbors, at the workplace, on the road, from service workers, and within digital communications. While these chapters contained many important ideas and examples, it essentially applied the principals laid out in the first half of the book.

I have been meaning to read Forni from sometime and another of his books have been on my reading list for nearly a year. But this book was brought to me by a colleague, who had found it at a book exchange and brought it for me. I was glad to read it and would recommend it. I also look forward to reading more of Forni’s writings.

[Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was recommended this book to understand that not everyone is kind. It helped understand my married family, but upset me the first time I read it. It described them perfectly. Read again & now I’m at peace.
Reminded me of this quote from President John Quincy Adams:
“I took mankind as you must take your wife, for better [and] for worse, and believed that the secret of dealing with my fellow creatures of my own times was to keep my heart and my judgment always cool. I have not always succeeded.”

Excerpt From
John Quincy Adams
Fred Kaplan
https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/john...
This material may be protected by copyright.

[Drosera · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really appreciate that the advice this book offers is concise. I don't always need a monologue solution to a simple problem. And what this book has helped me realize is that rudeness is, in fact, a simple problem. It's not a complex attack on me or my character. It can be dealt with swiftly and effectively with simple, practical strategies. I'm very excited to try out the strategies this books recommends, and I feel confident going forward that I can handle rudeness without stressing myself out and hurting others.

[Don · Rating 2 out of 5]

Read for research into a project involving civil discourse as it relates to diversity and inclusion. Went through very quickly and scanned a lot. Did not inform my discussion/research and so the low rating. Again, dated material.

[Helen · Rating 2 out of 5]

The first section (comprised of guidelines and explanations) is insightful and helpful. The second section (which offers solutions to very specific problems) is far less helpful- a lot of the proposed suggestions are pretty patronizing.

[Lauren Thornberg · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was lent to me by a coworker, since we work in a public-facing field. It offers some helpful advice on not taking things personally and always leading with empathy, but this many years later, some things seem... quaint. Especially the last section, about the internet.

[hr arch · Rating 2 out of 5]

The first section (comprised of guidelines and explanations) is insightful and helpful. The second section (which offers solutions to very specific problems) is far less helpful- a lot of the proposed suggestions are pretty patronizing.

[Barbie Adamson · Rating 1 out of 5]

Meh

[Brenda Puhlman · Rating 3 out of 5]

I went back and forth on enjoying this book. Some of the solutions just do not seem reasonable, as other reviews had mentioned. But it's a good discussion starter.

[Shawn · Rating 4 out of 5]

I do come with a manual after all

[Michael Philliber · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not a “bad” book by any means. Very down to earth. Good advice overall.

[Catherine · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helpful!

[Catherine Letendre · Rating 1 out of 5]

Plus un livre de self-help pour être heureux que pour gérer convenablement l'impolitesse. Tous les conseils qu'il donne face à l'impolitesse se résume à jouer la gentille fille en espérant que l'interlocuteur se sentira mal et changera d'attitude. Personnellement, j'ai plutôt besoin de conseils pour ARRÊTER de jouer la gentille fille. Après 43 ans de tentative, je peux confirmer que ça ne fonctionne pas du tout et qu'on fini juste par se faire manger la laine sur le dos.

Les chapitres sur la route sur le service à la clientèle donnent l'mpression que ses conseils vont nous transformer en "Karen" qui veut toujours se plaindre au gérant. Si c'est ça être polie, non merci!

[Indrani · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this after reading Dr. Forni's "Choosing Civility..." and Sara Hacala's "Saving Civility..."

For those who find the 25 or 52 "rules" of the aforementioned books a bit daunting to deal with, this may be the book for you. Dr. Forni paints with a much broader brush in this book, outlining fewer "rules" that are much less specific. For those who simply need a reminder, and who already understand concepts such as "active listening", this approach works well.

I did find that some of his examples seemed a bit trite when it came to the "what to do when..." section. I think that the author truly believes and/or hopes that if we only approach each other with a civil tone and language, others will respond in kind. Although he acknowledges that this will not only be the case, in most of such situations, he then recommends that the individual simply walk away, and remind himself that it is not worth the trouble. In many cases, he might be right - but it is a difficult thing for most of us to actually do! After all, when *you* are the one talking through the movie in the very full theatre, why should *I* be the one to go sit in the neck-breakers at the front just to get away from you?

However, it is certainly worth the read, if only for the amount of self-reflection it may generate. Who knows? Perhaps you will be prompted to be more aware of your own shortcomings in civility, and improve upon them. I know that I am trying.

[Deb (Readerbuzz) Nance · Rating 4 out of 5]

Our America is just crying out for a book like that. We Americans are rude. Have we always been this way? Or is it just our increased number of human interactions that make for more rudeness.

In any case, Forni takes on every possible case of rudeness and proposes what we are to do about it. His fundamental approach: confrontation, albeit gentle confrontation. His solutions did not seem plausible to me. I find it almost impossible to imagine that someone who spits in public would completely change their behavior when approached by a stranger and gently scolded.

I found him to be on spot when he spoke about things we can do in our own lives to rein in our own rude behaviors. He suggests that we slow down, become empathetic, remain positive, respect others, disagree graciously, become familiar with those around us, watch small things in our lives, and ask rather than telling.

[Sami · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book to be quite enlightening not only for addition to current abilities to deal with rude behaviour but also because of the validation that the retreat of social courtesies and polite behaviour is indeed on the way out due to social acceptance and the numbing of interaction due to electronic "advances" - Forni certainly puts things in perspective and provides useful tools for those who want to be aware of why they are feeling the way they are and that they are not alone in the desire to maintain the important fabric of good manners, social courtesies, and remembering that we share the planet equally - EQUALLY. Do to others what you would want done to you - should be a no-brainer!