I was looking for a light read, a young adult mystery story. I should have picked up one of my Nancy Drew or Hardy Boy books, but hey, this book was under $2 on kindle, and kindle is easier for me to read. Also I liked how it was described: “Bunny Starch, the most feared biology teacher ever, is missing. She disappeared after a school field trip to Black Vine Swamp. And, to be honest, the kids in her class are relieved.”
My first thoughts when listening to her bullying Duane, a young boy in her class, was, No teacher does this. No teacher makes fun of a boy in class.” She told him to write a 500 page essay on zits because he was picking at one of his zits, among other things, like not having read his lesson.
Then I thought back to my own youth, to a teacher named Miss Van Brunt, my 5th grade teacher. I remembered how she once said to one of the boys in our class, “What you need is this?” and she slapped her own face. At that moment I thought her rather crazy, and I didn’t even know what crazy really meant. Later, she actually hit him across the face with a book. I kept thinking that the boy was Hap Lewis, so I called my friend Mary who I had ran around with since 3rd grade. Mary said that she had been in her class too. It was Hap Lewis, a boy whose Spin the Bottle party I had been invited to for some odd reason. When the lights went out he found me and kissed me on my eye lid. I was embarrassed. Hap Lewis still lives in Paso Robles, Ca and owns, I think, an auto parts store. I always liked him as a person, but I don’t recall why Miss Van Brunt didn’t. My friend Mary said that one day Miss Van Brunt grabbed him by his shirt and pulled him out of his seat, and another day she pulled his hair. She went beyond bullying.
I also remember her for the songs that she taught us, songs that I felt stupid then and still do. The sub teach that took over Mrs. Starch’s place sang strange songs. I think maybe Van Brunt’s were patriotic songs of some sort because the only one I recall was patriotic. I still recall the tune and these words to it: “Oh, why oh why oh, did I ever leave Ohio?” I wished that wherever she was from that she would have gone back there.
And I recall being embarrassed when she gave me some used clothes because we were poor. It was a white slip, and I wondered if she thought that I should wear it as a skirt. I never wore it. This was the year that I was told that I could no longer wear Levis to school; I had to wear dresses. God, I hated that, but by the time I reached high school, I made my own dresses and had so many that I can’t believe it even now, and shoes. I could babysit for $5 a weekend and buy either fabric for a dress or a new pair of shoes.
And so back to this book: It started out pretty interesting, as I was listening to her rants and wondering why no one thought to fire her. And then she took the kids of a day trip to the swamp somewhere in Florida. Swamps fascinate me, but I won’t go off down memory lane again. Then a fire broke out, and Mrs. What’s Her Face, oh, yes, Mrs. Starch, gets the kids turned around to go back to the bus, and then one of the students has lost her inhaler, so Mrs. Starch goes back to look for it and never returns. Now we have fine makings of a good mystery.
But the mystery takes too many turns, so many that it felt like they were fillers. Nick, one of the main characters, has a dad that is returning from the Iraq war who lost an arm, so Nick wants to see what that is like and tapes his arm to his body so he can’t use it. By now I am bored and see that I have 7 or 8 more hours of reading. I put the book down, but then the next day I picked it up. I want to know what happened to Mrs. Starch. I skimmed again.
Nick and his friend Maria decide to go to Mrs. Starch’s house. Mrs? I question that. Was she really a Mrs. I don’t recall, and I only bring it up because I can’t imagine her being married, or at least not for long. Anyway, they go to her house, find the key under a planter, go inside, and begin looking around. I am interested in the book again. They find taxidermies. All kinds of animals. Stange. I wanted to be a taxidermist when I was a kid. I even wired the bones of a rabbit together in my high school biology class, one that had died. Now I am against killing animals. But the book picked up, and then after that it fell flat again as it began going off on another tangent: Bad men in the swamp.
And poor Duane was being accused of setting fire to the swamp and causing Mrs. Starch to disappear. This kid, much like Hap Lewis just couldn’t keep out of trouble. Hap Lewis, I understand still had teachers jumping all over him in high school. I still liked the kid. After all he was my neighbor who kissed me on the eye lid.