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If marriage shows us the shape of the gospel, singleness shows us its sufficiency.
Much of what we commonly assume about singleness--that it is primarily about the absence of good things like intimacy, family, or meaningful ministry--is either flat-out untrue or, at the very least, shouldn't be true. To be single, we often think, is to be alone and spiritually hindered.
But the Bible paints a very different picture of singleness: it is a positive gift and blessing from God. This book seeks to help Christians--married and unmarried alike--value singleness as a gift from God so that we can all encourage singles to take hold of the unique opportunities their singleness affords and see their role in the flourishing of the church as a whole.
Much of what we commonly assume about singleness--that it is primarily about the absence of good things like intimacy, family, or meaningful ministry--is either flat-out untrue or, at the very least, shouldn't be true. To be single, we often think, is to be alone and spiritually hindered.
But the Bible paints a very different picture of singleness: it is a positive gift and blessing from God. This book seeks to help Christians--married and unmarried alike--value singleness as a gift from God so that we can all encourage singles to take hold of the unique opportunities their singleness affords and see their role in the flourishing of the church as a whole.
220 pages, Paperback
First published February 1, 2019
308 people are currently reading
4210 people want to read
About the author
Sam Allberry
33 books316 followersSam comes from Sevenoaks in Kent, but studied theology at Wycliffe Hall in Oxford, and has since worked at St Ebbe's Church, Oxford, and now serves at a church in Maidenhead. Hobbies include reading, watching The West Wing and anything to do with South-East Asia.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 708 reviews
May 1, 2019
This book shook me. Me, a married man of ten years. In reading it, I had to repent every few pages, not just for the bad theology and practices I had back when I was single, but for the way I think about and treat singles today.
Let me make a strong statement: If you are a lead pastor, you should be required to read this and make sure the elders of the church do so too. Yes, it's that important and good.
Honestly, I didn't expect much from this book upon picking it up. This is nothing against the author. I love Allberry's work. But between the title, cover, and subject matter, I didn't think this book would be "for me" so to say. However, I was dead wrong. Sometimes without even realizing it, I have thought of singleness as something that causes someone to be incomplete in some way. But Allberry destroys this thinking early on:
Allberry pushes throughout the book that single people have an important place in the church, more than helping out with childcare. And the church should realize how to best disciple, love, and encourage singles, especially since singleness is something that can happen later in life too (widow, etc). This truly is a book I wish ALL Christians would read. Our singles are worth it. However, this is not just a book about singleness, it's a book about the gospel:
Currently, this book easily has a place on my "Five Favorite Books of 2019" list. It's such a concise, concentrated treatment on an important issue that there are FEW good resources for.
I recommend this book heartily. No matter who you are or what status you find yourself in life relationship-wise, read this book. It will only help and encourage you.
Let me make a strong statement: If you are a lead pastor, you should be required to read this and make sure the elders of the church do so too. Yes, it's that important and good.
Honestly, I didn't expect much from this book upon picking it up. This is nothing against the author. I love Allberry's work. But between the title, cover, and subject matter, I didn't think this book would be "for me" so to say. However, I was dead wrong. Sometimes without even realizing it, I have thought of singleness as something that causes someone to be incomplete in some way. But Allberry destroys this thinking early on:
"[Jesus] is the most complete and fully human person who ever lived. So his not being married is not incidental. It shows us that none of these things-marriage, romantic fulfillment, sexual experience-is intrinsic to being a full human being. The moment we say otherwise, the moment we claim a life of celibacy to be dehumanizing, we are implying that Jesus himself is only subhuman."
Allberry pushes throughout the book that single people have an important place in the church, more than helping out with childcare. And the church should realize how to best disciple, love, and encourage singles, especially since singleness is something that can happen later in life too (widow, etc). This truly is a book I wish ALL Christians would read. Our singles are worth it. However, this is not just a book about singleness, it's a book about the gospel:
"If marriage shows us the shape of the gospel, singleness shows us its sufficiency."
Currently, this book easily has a place on my "Five Favorite Books of 2019" list. It's such a concise, concentrated treatment on an important issue that there are FEW good resources for.
I recommend this book heartily. No matter who you are or what status you find yourself in life relationship-wise, read this book. It will only help and encourage you.
May 21, 2019
Wow. That's the first word I can think of when reviewing this book. I am a happily single Christian, but there are still so many questions I have about singleness that are never discussed in the church. Can I be honest? I have been very disappointed in the church in general for its treatment of singles and the single lifestyle. I often feel looked down upon or like I don't fit in or that something's wrong with me. But this book totally validated everything I've felt in my heart but didn't know how to express. Here's the thing though. This isn't a book that bashes marriage to make singles feel better. I love that it values BOTH. Some comparisons need to be made, but ultimately there are good things about being single and good things about being married. There are challenging things about being single and challenging things about being married. It's so important that neither marginalize the other, but it's time someone actually stood up for single Christians a little bit and acknowledged that their lives are just as important as their married counterparts.
It means so much to have someone who actually understands what it's like and addresses all the concerns singles might have. Sam talks about the needs for emotional intimacy (that's not a bad word, folks), the vital importance of friendship, how needs for family can be met as a single, the danger of becoming selfish, whether or not our sexuality is wasted (spoiler: it's not), and more. But the final chapter on the myth that singleness is easy nearly made me cry as finally someone truly got what it feels like, the hurt that can be felt, when your friends don't need you as much as you need them.
I don't like to gush, but thank you, Sam, for writing this book. I have a lot to ponder.
It means so much to have someone who actually understands what it's like and addresses all the concerns singles might have. Sam talks about the needs for emotional intimacy (that's not a bad word, folks), the vital importance of friendship, how needs for family can be met as a single, the danger of becoming selfish, whether or not our sexuality is wasted (spoiler: it's not), and more. But the final chapter on the myth that singleness is easy nearly made me cry as finally someone truly got what it feels like, the hurt that can be felt, when your friends don't need you as much as you need them.
I don't like to gush, but thank you, Sam, for writing this book. I have a lot to ponder.
January 17, 2020
I’m not sure how to review this book.
It was very encouraging to read of others who have dealt with the same things in their singleness as I have. I'm not alone, or as the author put it, "an endangered species in a world of married people."
This book doesn’t claim that singleness is better than married life, nor does it say it’s harder. It points out challenges in each, and shows how marriage or singleness should point to Christ.
There were great reminders in this book that Christ is our ultimate satisfaction not man, not desires. It’s easy to get caught up in the thought that something must be wrong with us if we are not married by a certain age, but this book shines a different light on it. It deals with so much and in a way that encourages and challenges.
I would recommend it to others.
It was very encouraging to read of others who have dealt with the same things in their singleness as I have. I'm not alone, or as the author put it, "an endangered species in a world of married people."
This book doesn’t claim that singleness is better than married life, nor does it say it’s harder. It points out challenges in each, and shows how marriage or singleness should point to Christ.
There were great reminders in this book that Christ is our ultimate satisfaction not man, not desires. It’s easy to get caught up in the thought that something must be wrong with us if we are not married by a certain age, but this book shines a different light on it. It deals with so much and in a way that encourages and challenges.
I would recommend it to others.
December 24, 2022
I recommended this book and then thought “I actually don’t remember this super well.” As I started reading it I realized I definitely had never read it before lol. But I would still recommend so it worked out!!
August 4, 2025
I have to confess, I am surprised that I ended up thinking as highly of this book as I did. It is much more comprehensive than I expected and grounded with many practical applications.
Sam Allberry addresses many of the myths that surround singleness in the church such as that “singleness requires a special calling” and “singleness means no intimacy.” He notes that “The temptation for many who are singles is to compare the downs of singleness with the ups of marriage. And the temptation for some married people is to compare the downs of marriage with the ups of singleness, which is equally dangerous. The grass will often seem greener on the other side” (p. 29). He notes that we often think of single people as “unmarried” whereas we don’t consider a husband and wife to be “unsingle” (p. 35).
He tackles the common claim from liberal Christians that David and Jonathan were same-sex lovers; rather, Allberry suggests that “David’s words about the deep intimacy he enjoyed with Jonathan indicate not that it must have been sexual, but that the sexual relationships he had with the women in his life might have lacked real intimacy” (p. 49). This is a keen insight; hookup culture falsely promises sexual fulfillment, but one-night-stands don’t cultivate an abiding and heartfelt intimacy. The pair may be naked during their liaison but they aren’t truly bearing their souls to one another. Even married couples may drift and become frigid towards one another.
Allberry encourages singles to be included in more traditional, nuclear families, noting that this requires both sides to foster such bonding. He anecdotally cites one family who he has close ties with who told him “We need you to pray for us as parents. And we want you to be someone [their child] can talk to when she’s older and doesn’t feel she can talk to us” (pp. 77-78). This is beautiful; it expands our common understanding of who constitutes family. Hopefully their child never has a harsh division with her parents, but if she does, how wonderful it is to have another trusted adult to confide in, even if he or she is not a “flesh and blood” relative. Allberry adds, “It takes humility to realize it, but your children stand a much better chance of becoming well-rounded if it’s not just you they look to in life” (p. 79).
As someone in their mid-thirties, I resonated with Allberry’s acknowledgement that singleness is challenging. He writes, “There are times when singleness is hard. One of those times can be when you reach the age where virtually all your friends have kids and you don’t (This can be painful for childless couples too)” (p. 82). Of course, this also includes the earlier phase when many of your friends marry. We don’t want to be “third wheels” but this can also result in being simply uninvited and not included and friendship fading. I can count on one hand the number of times I have been invited by married peers for dinner. I think this also relates to how the church can offer hospitality not just to singles but to queer people too; if one holds to a traditional view of marriage, that means that queer people will (unless they enter a mixed-orientation marriage) never gain the type of closeness that comes with a life partner and that can be very isolating, especially if their church community isn’t intentional about including them into their families and gatherings.
Allberry’s final chapter, “Singleness Is Easy,” is dedicated to how marriage can wound friendships: “Once a serious relationship is established and a couple gets married, friendship with others becomes a low priority. With one friend, this was worsened because it was his wife who tended to arrange what little socializing they did, and typically it involved her friends rather than his” (p. 128). I have a little hunch that in most married couples, the wife is the "domestic manager" who schedules social activities (along with many of the other necessities of family life) and this more naturally tends to be with other couples so as to avoid the dreaded "third wheels"; I think this might also explain why loneliness among men can seem more severe than among women as women tend to be the "The Social Sex: A History of Female Friendship," more intuitively wired to maintain and cultivate their same-sex friendships whereas with male friendships, as these men marry, they orient themselves (rightly so) to their spouse and children but tend to be poor at keeping up with their unmarried male friends. A couple rightly delight in their love for one another but a friend can feel neglected, grieved that they have lost something precious; “Being platonically dumped wouldn’t be so bad if people would acknowledge you have the right to be platonically heartbroken. But it’s just not part of our vocabulary. However much our society might pay lip service to friendship, the fact remains that the only love it considers important - important enough to merit a huge public celebration - is romantic love” (p. 128). Perhaps the most relatable point for me that Allberry makes is:
Allberry continues:
I do have some critiques of the book. For one, it’s definitely written for a Protestant audience. I appreciate Allberry’s persuasive case that pastors need not always be married and that there are actually benefits to having clergy who are single, but it’s odd to me that he would write “The fact is, there aren’t a whole lot of single people in pastoral ministry” when Roman Catholic priests and nuns amply and obviously witness to a life of faithful pastoral service while single (p. 93, 99). I found chapter six, “Singleness Wastes Your Sexuality,” to be in the weakest chapter, with Allberry being silent on some issues.
Allberry acknowledges that, unlike some singles, he actually relishes the opportunity to be involved in familial practices like helping his friends’ children brush their teeth or say their prayers and that he doesn’t mind it when he is privy to family arguments because “Sometimes it’s actually not making a fuss over a visitor that can make them feel more special and at home. They’re not being given a specially vetted version of family life; they’re being included in the real deal, warts and all” (p. 71). But he also writes as a pastor who can inherently be expected to have more social capital and occasions to bond with others; how often will a parishioner seek out a pastor for counsel over coffee rather than the random single person in the pew? I think many of us have within us a desire to be “needed” but some vocations make it easier to experience that than others.
All in all, Allberry has written a very good book on the single life. It is biblically grounded (he makes much of Paul’s singleness, though some assert that the apostle was married, at least at some point in his life) and full of practical wisdom. With more and more Christians remaining single, even if unintentionally, the church needs to be challenged to reform and rethink how both singles and families can hospitably include and serve one another.
Sam Allberry addresses many of the myths that surround singleness in the church such as that “singleness requires a special calling” and “singleness means no intimacy.” He notes that “The temptation for many who are singles is to compare the downs of singleness with the ups of marriage. And the temptation for some married people is to compare the downs of marriage with the ups of singleness, which is equally dangerous. The grass will often seem greener on the other side” (p. 29). He notes that we often think of single people as “unmarried” whereas we don’t consider a husband and wife to be “unsingle” (p. 35).
He tackles the common claim from liberal Christians that David and Jonathan were same-sex lovers; rather, Allberry suggests that “David’s words about the deep intimacy he enjoyed with Jonathan indicate not that it must have been sexual, but that the sexual relationships he had with the women in his life might have lacked real intimacy” (p. 49). This is a keen insight; hookup culture falsely promises sexual fulfillment, but one-night-stands don’t cultivate an abiding and heartfelt intimacy. The pair may be naked during their liaison but they aren’t truly bearing their souls to one another. Even married couples may drift and become frigid towards one another.
Allberry encourages singles to be included in more traditional, nuclear families, noting that this requires both sides to foster such bonding. He anecdotally cites one family who he has close ties with who told him “We need you to pray for us as parents. And we want you to be someone [their child] can talk to when she’s older and doesn’t feel she can talk to us” (pp. 77-78). This is beautiful; it expands our common understanding of who constitutes family. Hopefully their child never has a harsh division with her parents, but if she does, how wonderful it is to have another trusted adult to confide in, even if he or she is not a “flesh and blood” relative. Allberry adds, “It takes humility to realize it, but your children stand a much better chance of becoming well-rounded if it’s not just you they look to in life” (p. 79).
As someone in their mid-thirties, I resonated with Allberry’s acknowledgement that singleness is challenging. He writes, “There are times when singleness is hard. One of those times can be when you reach the age where virtually all your friends have kids and you don’t (This can be painful for childless couples too)” (p. 82). Of course, this also includes the earlier phase when many of your friends marry. We don’t want to be “third wheels” but this can also result in being simply uninvited and not included and friendship fading. I can count on one hand the number of times I have been invited by married peers for dinner. I think this also relates to how the church can offer hospitality not just to singles but to queer people too; if one holds to a traditional view of marriage, that means that queer people will (unless they enter a mixed-orientation marriage) never gain the type of closeness that comes with a life partner and that can be very isolating, especially if their church community isn’t intentional about including them into their families and gatherings.
Allberry’s final chapter, “Singleness Is Easy,” is dedicated to how marriage can wound friendships: “Once a serious relationship is established and a couple gets married, friendship with others becomes a low priority. With one friend, this was worsened because it was his wife who tended to arrange what little socializing they did, and typically it involved her friends rather than his” (p. 128). I have a little hunch that in most married couples, the wife is the "domestic manager" who schedules social activities (along with many of the other necessities of family life) and this more naturally tends to be with other couples so as to avoid the dreaded "third wheels"; I think this might also explain why loneliness among men can seem more severe than among women as women tend to be the "The Social Sex: A History of Female Friendship," more intuitively wired to maintain and cultivate their same-sex friendships whereas with male friendships, as these men marry, they orient themselves (rightly so) to their spouse and children but tend to be poor at keeping up with their unmarried male friends. A couple rightly delight in their love for one another but a friend can feel neglected, grieved that they have lost something precious; “Being platonically dumped wouldn’t be so bad if people would acknowledge you have the right to be platonically heartbroken. But it’s just not part of our vocabulary. However much our society might pay lip service to friendship, the fact remains that the only love it considers important - important enough to merit a huge public celebration - is romantic love” (p. 128). Perhaps the most relatable point for me that Allberry makes is:
First, it tends to be me, as the single person, who takes most of the initiative in the friendship. This is not always the case; I can think of a couple of married friends who will want to poke me in the ribs the moment they read this. But with many of my friendships, I tend to make the first move. This is understandable, as I am the one looking for some company when I have a free evening or weekend. My married friends don’t have the same need for immediate company. I get that. But over time it can start to hurt, and it can make you wonder how long you might have to wait for them to initiate contact. Some of my friends have said something along the lines of, “You know where we are, and you’re always welcome. Don’t wait for us to invite you.” On one level, this is very touching. But when several say it, the cumulative effect, on darker days, is to make me hear it as, “We’re not going to be thinking of you or pursuing you. We don’t necessarily need you. And so you’re going to have to reach out to us if you want to come over. And it will always need to be you coming to us rather than the other way around” (p. 129)
Allberry continues:
Both these points—the fact that singles most often initiate get-togethers and experience them in the world of their married friends—are often expressions of the third asymmetry, and also a deeper and often more painful one. The fact is, in all likelihood, singles need their married friends more than their married friends need them. That’s not to say that married friends don’t need their single friends at all; it’s just a different kind—or a different level—of need. As a single person, my friends are a lifeline. They’re like family. They are the ones with whom I feel most known and loved. Some are members of my church; others are long-term friends who live elsewhere and I know from different contexts. I need them. Hugely. But the fact is, they don’t need me in the same way. Many of them are the equivalent of family, but since they have families of their own, the familial sense I have toward them is not necessarily reciprocated. That might be good and right, as far as it goes, but it can also be painful at times (p. 130-31).
I do have some critiques of the book. For one, it’s definitely written for a Protestant audience. I appreciate Allberry’s persuasive case that pastors need not always be married and that there are actually benefits to having clergy who are single, but it’s odd to me that he would write “The fact is, there aren’t a whole lot of single people in pastoral ministry” when Roman Catholic priests and nuns amply and obviously witness to a life of faithful pastoral service while single (p. 93, 99). I found chapter six, “Singleness Wastes Your Sexuality,” to be in the weakest chapter, with Allberry being silent on some issues.
Allberry acknowledges that, unlike some singles, he actually relishes the opportunity to be involved in familial practices like helping his friends’ children brush their teeth or say their prayers and that he doesn’t mind it when he is privy to family arguments because “Sometimes it’s actually not making a fuss over a visitor that can make them feel more special and at home. They’re not being given a specially vetted version of family life; they’re being included in the real deal, warts and all” (p. 71). But he also writes as a pastor who can inherently be expected to have more social capital and occasions to bond with others; how often will a parishioner seek out a pastor for counsel over coffee rather than the random single person in the pew? I think many of us have within us a desire to be “needed” but some vocations make it easier to experience that than others.
All in all, Allberry has written a very good book on the single life. It is biblically grounded (he makes much of Paul’s singleness, though some assert that the apostle was married, at least at some point in his life) and full of practical wisdom. With more and more Christians remaining single, even if unintentionally, the church needs to be challenged to reform and rethink how both singles and families can hospitably include and serve one another.
February 16, 2019
The issue is not whether this path or that path is better, whether singleness or marriage will bring more fulfillment and good. The issue is God and whether we abide in him and are trusting him every day.
Do not be fooled that this book is for singles. I have been married for over 30 years and these myths about singleness tells me more about the gospel and really about my own marriage then most marriage books. The first question you are faced with is do you value singleness. Not in what the cultural would but in the way God would. Celibacy is big and it is big in marriage as well. How we view sex and the genders reflects on how we view God and creation. I loved his quote on celibacy. Celibacy isn't a waste of our sexuality, it's a wonderful way of fulfilling it. It's allowing our sexual feelings to point us to the reality of the gospel. We will never ultimately make sense of what our sexuality is unless we know what it is for. To point us to God's love for us in Christ.
The comparisons of Singleness and Marriage is another gospel issue that is dealt with. Marriage and singleness both have a place n the gospel. One shows the shape of the gospel and the other shows us its sufficiency. It is sad and hurtful to the body of believers when one is raised above the other. It is important to invite singles into the lives of married couples and in the church in general.
The value of spiritual friendship is key to both married and singles. It deals with intimacy that we all seek and need to grow. Spiritual friendship does not need sex to fulfill the need for intimacy. It is like the notion we can live by bread alone. There are some that have the sex but not the intimacy. The ones that have the intimacy but not the sex are probably more alive and attuned to others than their counter parts. Being known and accepted is part of intimacy that deals with trust and vulnerability that you cannot receive with just sex. The whole chapter on Spiritual Friendship is worth the read alone.
So whatever your martial status, if you are a follower of Christ, this book will bring light into your heart. Highly recommend.
A Special Thank you to Crossway Publishing and Netgalley for the ARC and the opportunity to post an honest review.
Do not be fooled that this book is for singles. I have been married for over 30 years and these myths about singleness tells me more about the gospel and really about my own marriage then most marriage books. The first question you are faced with is do you value singleness. Not in what the cultural would but in the way God would. Celibacy is big and it is big in marriage as well. How we view sex and the genders reflects on how we view God and creation. I loved his quote on celibacy. Celibacy isn't a waste of our sexuality, it's a wonderful way of fulfilling it. It's allowing our sexual feelings to point us to the reality of the gospel. We will never ultimately make sense of what our sexuality is unless we know what it is for. To point us to God's love for us in Christ.
The comparisons of Singleness and Marriage is another gospel issue that is dealt with. Marriage and singleness both have a place n the gospel. One shows the shape of the gospel and the other shows us its sufficiency. It is sad and hurtful to the body of believers when one is raised above the other. It is important to invite singles into the lives of married couples and in the church in general.
The value of spiritual friendship is key to both married and singles. It deals with intimacy that we all seek and need to grow. Spiritual friendship does not need sex to fulfill the need for intimacy. It is like the notion we can live by bread alone. There are some that have the sex but not the intimacy. The ones that have the intimacy but not the sex are probably more alive and attuned to others than their counter parts. Being known and accepted is part of intimacy that deals with trust and vulnerability that you cannot receive with just sex. The whole chapter on Spiritual Friendship is worth the read alone.
So whatever your martial status, if you are a follower of Christ, this book will bring light into your heart. Highly recommend.
A Special Thank you to Crossway Publishing and Netgalley for the ARC and the opportunity to post an honest review.
May 2, 2019
Actual rating: 4.5 stars
Initial thoughts: Growing up as part of the generation of Christians shaped by the (in)famous book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, I found 7 Myths about Singleness quite refreshing. It doesn't put being single on a pedestal but neither does it vilify it. It refers to biblical teachings on why one would/should choose to remain single or to marry. At the same time, it explores modern experiences and reactions to choosing one or the other in a way that's relatable.
For example, being single means having more flexibility and freedom to respond immediately to others when they need help. For the author, a pastor, it means he can minister further away from home, without needing to concern himself about being an absent father. On the flip side, being single can give way to loneliness and yearning for companionship.
Of all the myths Sam Allberry covered, I most enjoyed his point that being single doesn't mean giving up family. Family can take shape in many forms, and doesn't only refer to the nuclear family. Family extends to relatives, godparents, friends, neighbours, fellow church members, etc who have a stake in the lives of others. If you help someone raise their child, if you invite others over to cook and provide meals for them, or even if you're so close, you can spend an afternoon in complete silence over an activity because you're all caught up about the happenings in one another's lives, you're family.
Initial thoughts: Growing up as part of the generation of Christians shaped by the (in)famous book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, I found 7 Myths about Singleness quite refreshing. It doesn't put being single on a pedestal but neither does it vilify it. It refers to biblical teachings on why one would/should choose to remain single or to marry. At the same time, it explores modern experiences and reactions to choosing one or the other in a way that's relatable.
For example, being single means having more flexibility and freedom to respond immediately to others when they need help. For the author, a pastor, it means he can minister further away from home, without needing to concern himself about being an absent father. On the flip side, being single can give way to loneliness and yearning for companionship.
Of all the myths Sam Allberry covered, I most enjoyed his point that being single doesn't mean giving up family. Family can take shape in many forms, and doesn't only refer to the nuclear family. Family extends to relatives, godparents, friends, neighbours, fellow church members, etc who have a stake in the lives of others. If you help someone raise their child, if you invite others over to cook and provide meals for them, or even if you're so close, you can spend an afternoon in complete silence over an activity because you're all caught up about the happenings in one another's lives, you're family.
May 26, 2022
“If marriage shows us the gospel, singleness shows us the sufficiency of it.” I’d highly recommend this to my married and unmarried friends. Im thankful for Sam’s honesty and transparency throughout this book. He tenderly voiced many complex things I think and feel, and pointed to the glory of God in each. He doesn’t just narrow in on the unmarried; he challenges the friend, the family, the neighbor, and the body of Christ. Though it’s mostly about singleness, I think everyone would benefit from this. It’s a gracious way to learn how to love others well. More than anything, it tuned my heart to the sufficiency of Christ.
November 14, 2021
Much to the disagreement of everyone else who read this book, I was neither encouraged nor empowered by its content.
I got a few things out of it, and I highlighted several things for later, but overall I found this to be your typical over-spiritualized pandering to why you should enjoy singleness.
Guess what. I don't have to enjoy it. And I don't think God forces people to be single OR married. The chapter on sexuality particularly annoyed me. I am so tired of Christian authors telling single people that their sexual desires "point to the unfulfilled longing for Heaven". 🙄 Who is telling this to married people? Why is this so over-spiritualized? How about your body is in your mid-20s and has hormones and it is meant to drive you to get married and have families?
Sighhhh
There was also a chapter on how the author is treated by his married friends as a single person that resonated with me. Like how it distinctly feels like your married friends don't need you as much as you need them, and weddings feel like a demotion.
However... I don't think this behavior by married people is okay nor should be acceptable in the Church. (This is AFTER his entire chapter on how we are all the family of God and we should live in community together). Single people in the church should not have to suck it up and just take whatever mistreatment their married friends throw at them just because they are married. Why aren't married people being called to get out of their marital blissful bubble and actually make effort for other people for once? (Can you tell I am a little bitter about this?)
People that are not Christians have this whole singleness thing so simplified. If you want a relationship, you can find a good one. If you want to get married, there's no reason why you can't. But for some reason, singleness is so overspiritualized in the church to the point of it becoming a state that is imposed on you by God, and therefore unchangable by anything you could do.
I DID, however, really enjoy his chapter on friendship. I think I highlighted every page of that one.
I got a few things out of it, and I highlighted several things for later, but overall I found this to be your typical over-spiritualized pandering to why you should enjoy singleness.
Guess what. I don't have to enjoy it. And I don't think God forces people to be single OR married. The chapter on sexuality particularly annoyed me. I am so tired of Christian authors telling single people that their sexual desires "point to the unfulfilled longing for Heaven". 🙄 Who is telling this to married people? Why is this so over-spiritualized? How about your body is in your mid-20s and has hormones and it is meant to drive you to get married and have families?
Sighhhh
There was also a chapter on how the author is treated by his married friends as a single person that resonated with me. Like how it distinctly feels like your married friends don't need you as much as you need them, and weddings feel like a demotion.
However... I don't think this behavior by married people is okay nor should be acceptable in the Church. (This is AFTER his entire chapter on how we are all the family of God and we should live in community together). Single people in the church should not have to suck it up and just take whatever mistreatment their married friends throw at them just because they are married. Why aren't married people being called to get out of their marital blissful bubble and actually make effort for other people for once? (Can you tell I am a little bitter about this?)
People that are not Christians have this whole singleness thing so simplified. If you want a relationship, you can find a good one. If you want to get married, there's no reason why you can't. But for some reason, singleness is so overspiritualized in the church to the point of it becoming a state that is imposed on you by God, and therefore unchangable by anything you could do.
I DID, however, really enjoy his chapter on friendship. I think I highlighted every page of that one.
January 7, 2025
Incredible. I am constantly in awe of the ways the Lord speaks through Allberry and his ministry––this book is no exception. Throughout the entirety of his book, I found myself both encouraged and convicted. I pulled this back off my shelf (after reading most of it in 2022) upon finishing Tim Keller's The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God. I’ll admit, I’ve been hungry for more faithful commentaries on both marriage and singleness. I believe I can confidently say that this is one of them.
As someone who is currently single, I found the last two myths (singleness wastes your sexuality and singleness is easy) the most impactful.
Allberry writes, "If marriage shows us the shape of the gospel, singleness shows us its sufficiency,” and that “the presence of singles who find their fullest meaning and satisfaction in Christ is a visible, physical testimony to the fact that the end of all of our longing comes in Jesus." If Sam were speaking to us in a microphone, I’d fully expect him to drop it.
In conclusion, whether I’m currently single or married, my contentment should be found in Christ. Am I content now? Lord, help me in this daily.
I’m leaving these truths here for my own future reference:
Regardless of relationship status or stage of life, this book is one that I’d recommend to anyone.
As someone who is currently single, I found the last two myths (singleness wastes your sexuality and singleness is easy) the most impactful.
Allberry writes, "If marriage shows us the shape of the gospel, singleness shows us its sufficiency,” and that “the presence of singles who find their fullest meaning and satisfaction in Christ is a visible, physical testimony to the fact that the end of all of our longing comes in Jesus." If Sam were speaking to us in a microphone, I’d fully expect him to drop it.
In conclusion, whether I’m currently single or married, my contentment should be found in Christ. Am I content now? Lord, help me in this daily.
I’m leaving these truths here for my own future reference:
God knows me more than I know myself (Ps 139).
God loves me more than I love myself.
God is more committed to my ultimate joy than I am.
So I can trust Him.
Regardless of relationship status or stage of life, this book is one that I’d recommend to anyone.
March 24, 2023
10/10 recommend this book! Anyone struggling with how to think about singleness, whether you are single, married, or dating should read this book. We all have ideas about singleness and things that we believe that just aren't true. This book gave me a whole new perspective on singleness and how God views it!
February 11, 2025
I realized I never wrote a proper review for this book.
My siblings gave me this book on my 29th birthday (I had requested it). I found it deeply encouraging, motivating, as well as validating.
I cannot tell you how many times I've wanted to hand this book to church leaders and make them read it, while at the same time, I was convicted and energized for my own walk.
This book was personally very helpful and made me realize that there were, in fact, books on singleness out there that weren't silly or just about waiting for Mr. Right to show up. This book helps both singles and anyone who chooses to read it catch a vision of what godly singleness can be.
Highly recommend.
My siblings gave me this book on my 29th birthday (I had requested it). I found it deeply encouraging, motivating, as well as validating.
I cannot tell you how many times I've wanted to hand this book to church leaders and make them read it, while at the same time, I was convicted and energized for my own walk.
This book was personally very helpful and made me realize that there were, in fact, books on singleness out there that weren't silly or just about waiting for Mr. Right to show up. This book helps both singles and anyone who chooses to read it catch a vision of what godly singleness can be.
Highly recommend.
December 29, 2023
Whether single or un-single, you should read this!
“If marriage shows us the shape of the gospel, singleness shows us its sufficiency.”
“If marriage shows us the shape of the gospel, singleness shows us its sufficiency.”
January 18, 2024
I don’t recommend reading this. Still, I do think Allberry is genuine in his desire to be helpful, and I appreciate that and commend him for writing on the topic. But, while there are many comments I agree with throughout, the underlying foundation for those comments is not something I resonate with, or think is proper. Read on for my rationale, if you’d like.
If I remember correctly, I acquired this book in 2019. As my views on singleness have changed since then, my impressions of this book would be very different had I read it then instead of now.
The reason I don’t recommend this book is Allberry uses a definition of the gift of singleness that I think is incorrect. This is significant because whether or not the “myths” Allberry presents are truly myths depends on how the gift of singleness is defined. First, Allberry defines the state of singleness as “being both unmarried and committed (for as long as we remain unmarried) to sexual abstinence.” This definition is satisfactory. The gift of singleness, though, is asserted to be the state of singleness, i.e., the gift of singleness, also, is “being both unmarried and committed (for as long as we remain unmarried) to sexual abstinence.” Allberry states the time available for building up the church in ministry is what makes the state of singleness a gift.
The definition I’ve adopted for the gift of singleness and, more importantly, what I think the Apostle Paul intends to say in 1 Cor. 7 is exactly what Allberry argues (unconvincingly) against, that the gift of singleness is “some special capacity to cope with [the state of singleness].” I appreciate his acknowledgement of the disagreement on the definition among Christians, but I offer what I think is a more precise definition: the gift of singleness is a God-given disposition to live a life in singleness as naturally as someone who is married (i.e., someone who is gifted in passion) lives a life in marriage.
It is beyond the scope of this review to offer a complete analysis of 1 Cor. 7 and Mt. 19, but Paul acknowledges each person is gifted corresponding to the will of God and instructs his readers according to their gift. Those who are gifted in passion should seek marriage, lest they “burn” (sin). On the other hand, those who are gifted in singleness have a degree of passion within their self-control, or no passion at all - they are gifted in celibacy - and these people should not marry because they would defile the marriage bed in the withholding of their spouse’s conjugal rights. Christ acknowledges this is a difficult thing and most cannot live in this manner.
It is true, and I agree with Allberry, that the work of Christ restores the dignity of singleness, but this restoration does not abrogate the God-given nature of Man to be fruitful in pursuit of having dominion on the earth. Singleness is not restored for everyone (“for” in the sense that it should be desired by everyone). In a post-Fall world, grace perfects nature - in Christ, you can pursue God-honoring marriage or God-honoring singleness and succeed! I agree with Allberry that this should be your goal as a Christian, but your pursuits should be according to your gift.
So, someone who is single, and knows themselves not to be gifted in singleness, according to the definition I hold to, knows what Allberry presents as “myths” to be daily realities (the final myth presented is an exception). In a grand, theological sense, every thing and circumstance God gives a Christian is a blessing, working for our good. There is a degree of contentment and trust we should have in God’s promise. But God, giving Adam the gift of passion on the sixth day, recognized it was not good for him to be alone and gave him Eve. For singles who are gifted in passion, their singleness is not a gift, but a trial.
This is why many singles are discouraged by their church’s teaching and counseling on the topic. Other trials in the church, such as divorce, medical emergencies, family deaths, and unemployment, are seen as trials and are addressed by the congregation as trials causing suffering upon the brothers experiencing them. But in response to singleness, singles are told their trial is a gift, that marriage is really hard (or other statements that diminish the glory of marriage), that they are making an idol of marriage, that they should be content in their trial (possibly implying their suffering is caused by immaturity in their faith), that they have more time to serve in their church (without discussing if the single man or woman is equipped by God with the skills and desire to serve their church, that their ministry would be fruitful), and few rally to them to help ease their burden. It is not surprising that many singles, especially young singles who recognize they are in the best years of their lives to have and raise children, are frustrated.
This book echoes the typical, over-spiritualized commentary. For example, in the appendix - the obviously practical portion of the book, entitled “four ways to avoid sexual temptation” - Allberry’s third tactic is, in summary, to enjoy the sexual union with your spouse. This is Biblical advice. But Allberry overlooks applying Paul’s teaching of marriage as an escape from temptation to passion-gifted (i.e., most) singles. Instead of exhorting singles to seek marriage as a relief from temptation, his guidance to singles, specifically, is, “we need to pray for the marriages around us… [and ask] married friends how we can support them… we need to… [live] lives of purity. And we need to uphold the marriage we have in Christ.” While I agree with the advice, it is not the full application of Biblical teaching, and that’s why it’s unsatisfying.
If you’ve read this book and found it helpful, I’m glad and I don’t want to take that away from you. Thankfully, even if we disagree on a definition, there are many other things we can agree on. But I do think how we define the gift is critical, and Allberry’s definition of the gift prevents this book from being as helpful as it could be otherwise.
If I remember correctly, I acquired this book in 2019. As my views on singleness have changed since then, my impressions of this book would be very different had I read it then instead of now.
The reason I don’t recommend this book is Allberry uses a definition of the gift of singleness that I think is incorrect. This is significant because whether or not the “myths” Allberry presents are truly myths depends on how the gift of singleness is defined. First, Allberry defines the state of singleness as “being both unmarried and committed (for as long as we remain unmarried) to sexual abstinence.” This definition is satisfactory. The gift of singleness, though, is asserted to be the state of singleness, i.e., the gift of singleness, also, is “being both unmarried and committed (for as long as we remain unmarried) to sexual abstinence.” Allberry states the time available for building up the church in ministry is what makes the state of singleness a gift.
The definition I’ve adopted for the gift of singleness and, more importantly, what I think the Apostle Paul intends to say in 1 Cor. 7 is exactly what Allberry argues (unconvincingly) against, that the gift of singleness is “some special capacity to cope with [the state of singleness].” I appreciate his acknowledgement of the disagreement on the definition among Christians, but I offer what I think is a more precise definition: the gift of singleness is a God-given disposition to live a life in singleness as naturally as someone who is married (i.e., someone who is gifted in passion) lives a life in marriage.
It is beyond the scope of this review to offer a complete analysis of 1 Cor. 7 and Mt. 19, but Paul acknowledges each person is gifted corresponding to the will of God and instructs his readers according to their gift. Those who are gifted in passion should seek marriage, lest they “burn” (sin). On the other hand, those who are gifted in singleness have a degree of passion within their self-control, or no passion at all - they are gifted in celibacy - and these people should not marry because they would defile the marriage bed in the withholding of their spouse’s conjugal rights. Christ acknowledges this is a difficult thing and most cannot live in this manner.
It is true, and I agree with Allberry, that the work of Christ restores the dignity of singleness, but this restoration does not abrogate the God-given nature of Man to be fruitful in pursuit of having dominion on the earth. Singleness is not restored for everyone (“for” in the sense that it should be desired by everyone). In a post-Fall world, grace perfects nature - in Christ, you can pursue God-honoring marriage or God-honoring singleness and succeed! I agree with Allberry that this should be your goal as a Christian, but your pursuits should be according to your gift.
So, someone who is single, and knows themselves not to be gifted in singleness, according to the definition I hold to, knows what Allberry presents as “myths” to be daily realities (the final myth presented is an exception). In a grand, theological sense, every thing and circumstance God gives a Christian is a blessing, working for our good. There is a degree of contentment and trust we should have in God’s promise. But God, giving Adam the gift of passion on the sixth day, recognized it was not good for him to be alone and gave him Eve. For singles who are gifted in passion, their singleness is not a gift, but a trial.
This is why many singles are discouraged by their church’s teaching and counseling on the topic. Other trials in the church, such as divorce, medical emergencies, family deaths, and unemployment, are seen as trials and are addressed by the congregation as trials causing suffering upon the brothers experiencing them. But in response to singleness, singles are told their trial is a gift, that marriage is really hard (or other statements that diminish the glory of marriage), that they are making an idol of marriage, that they should be content in their trial (possibly implying their suffering is caused by immaturity in their faith), that they have more time to serve in their church (without discussing if the single man or woman is equipped by God with the skills and desire to serve their church, that their ministry would be fruitful), and few rally to them to help ease their burden. It is not surprising that many singles, especially young singles who recognize they are in the best years of their lives to have and raise children, are frustrated.
This book echoes the typical, over-spiritualized commentary. For example, in the appendix - the obviously practical portion of the book, entitled “four ways to avoid sexual temptation” - Allberry’s third tactic is, in summary, to enjoy the sexual union with your spouse. This is Biblical advice. But Allberry overlooks applying Paul’s teaching of marriage as an escape from temptation to passion-gifted (i.e., most) singles. Instead of exhorting singles to seek marriage as a relief from temptation, his guidance to singles, specifically, is, “we need to pray for the marriages around us… [and ask] married friends how we can support them… we need to… [live] lives of purity. And we need to uphold the marriage we have in Christ.” While I agree with the advice, it is not the full application of Biblical teaching, and that’s why it’s unsatisfying.
If you’ve read this book and found it helpful, I’m glad and I don’t want to take that away from you. Thankfully, even if we disagree on a definition, there are many other things we can agree on. But I do think how we define the gift is critical, and Allberry’s definition of the gift prevents this book from being as helpful as it could be otherwise.
April 28, 2023
This book not only widened my perspective on singleness, but also marriage. Both are difficult in ways we often do not think about/see. This book does a great job at debunking myths/societal beliefs about singleness and points to scripture for them all. It’s definitely opened my eyes and shifted my thinking about singleness!
December 10, 2024
THANK YOU, Sam Allberry, for writing a realistic, non-patronizing book on singleness that is both theologically accurate and practical. This is a book that is not just helpful for singles (and not-yet-marrieds), but for married brothers and sisters who want to understand and care for their single friends well. "7 Myths about Singleness" provides a balanced look at the real challenges of singleness in our modern age, while also recognizing the unique blessings wrapped in it, all the while extolling our Great God who showers us with gifts in every season.
February 9, 2020
Enriching and encouraging, well reasoned and well worded, seasoned with scripture and grace, this book changed many of my views that were molded at an early age by my childhood church and by culture in general, both Christian and secular.
January 14, 2026
Wow! One of the best reads in a while.
Allberry explores the designs of both singleness and marriage in this book in a very refreshing way. No pity party for the one who wants to be married and isn’t, but Scripture-guided wisdom for what joys, and sorrows, can be found in singleness.
I really enjoyed Allberry’s discussion on how singles are treated in the church. Marriage isn’t superior, more holy, or a rite of passage to adulthood. It is a good gift from God, but so is singleness. He points to how singles and married members of the church can support one another in ministry, friendship, and family units.
There was still space for lament and disappointment, as Allberry shared some of his own, but he then paints a sweet picture that brings us back to Christ’s fulfillment!
“When I started this project, my initial aim was to write about the goodness of singleness…But through it all I have been increasingly preoccupied with something else - not the goodness of singleness but the goodness of God.”
Would recommend this to anyone - single, dating, married - to love their friends well in all stages of life, better understand a life of singleness, and to, most importantly, seek the goodness of God.
Allberry explores the designs of both singleness and marriage in this book in a very refreshing way. No pity party for the one who wants to be married and isn’t, but Scripture-guided wisdom for what joys, and sorrows, can be found in singleness.
I really enjoyed Allberry’s discussion on how singles are treated in the church. Marriage isn’t superior, more holy, or a rite of passage to adulthood. It is a good gift from God, but so is singleness. He points to how singles and married members of the church can support one another in ministry, friendship, and family units.
There was still space for lament and disappointment, as Allberry shared some of his own, but he then paints a sweet picture that brings us back to Christ’s fulfillment!
“When I started this project, my initial aim was to write about the goodness of singleness…But through it all I have been increasingly preoccupied with something else - not the goodness of singleness but the goodness of God.”
Would recommend this to anyone - single, dating, married - to love their friends well in all stages of life, better understand a life of singleness, and to, most importantly, seek the goodness of God.
March 11, 2025
This book is an honest and faithful exploration of singleness from a man who I am sure has wrestled with it thoroughly.
I appreciated Allberry's faithful and deep exploration of scripture while still making many of his points using quite easy to digest language. His points were clear and some of his thoughts really challenged my own preconceived notions. Above that, I found many of the personal stories Allberry shared to be really precious.
I finish reading this book so convicted about the importance of celebrating both singleness and marriage for God's kingdom. Singleness is good for so many reasons yet also incredibly hard, just like marriage can be, in a broken world. I am thankful that the ultimate hope for both singles and married couples is the Lord Jesus who is preparing his bride to be.
I appreciated Allberry's faithful and deep exploration of scripture while still making many of his points using quite easy to digest language. His points were clear and some of his thoughts really challenged my own preconceived notions. Above that, I found many of the personal stories Allberry shared to be really precious.
I finish reading this book so convicted about the importance of celebrating both singleness and marriage for God's kingdom. Singleness is good for so many reasons yet also incredibly hard, just like marriage can be, in a broken world. I am thankful that the ultimate hope for both singles and married couples is the Lord Jesus who is preparing his bride to be.
September 3, 2024
You can tell the author himself is single. It's amazing what a difference that makes---Much better than a married person talking about singleness.
There's nothing terribly inspirational or insightful in the book. But it's practical, useful, and grounded---full of truths that need to be said. I appreciated the emphasis on creating intentional adopted family communities: singles and couples should invite people into their lives and homes. He is also the first writer I've seen who openly acknowledges how friendships are demoted as soon as someone gets married. It's the end of an era of friendship: being "platonically dumped" as he calls it. Even if ties are not cut entirely, it becomes very clear that the friendship with the single person has become immediately much less important. Then the single person has to take most of the initiative in meeting up with the couple.
I wish he would have spent more time talking about people who are content in their singleness, even purposefully single, rather than assuming that most all single people long for marriage.
Would recommend.
There's nothing terribly inspirational or insightful in the book. But it's practical, useful, and grounded---full of truths that need to be said. I appreciated the emphasis on creating intentional adopted family communities: singles and couples should invite people into their lives and homes. He is also the first writer I've seen who openly acknowledges how friendships are demoted as soon as someone gets married. It's the end of an era of friendship: being "platonically dumped" as he calls it. Even if ties are not cut entirely, it becomes very clear that the friendship with the single person has become immediately much less important. Then the single person has to take most of the initiative in meeting up with the couple.
I wish he would have spent more time talking about people who are content in their singleness, even purposefully single, rather than assuming that most all single people long for marriage.
Would recommend.
January 9, 2025
this book completely changed my perceptive on singleness and marriage. I could say SO many things about this book, but I feel like it’s best summed up by this quote:
“If marriage shows us the shape of the gospel, singleness shows us its sufficiency.”
such a great reminder that both singleness and marriage are good because GOD is good. “the more we grasp [God’s goodness and mercy], the less either marriage or singleness should ultimately matter to us. Let’s aim for more of God, assured that whatever happens, we will never outpace his kindness to us.”
would recommend this book to absolutely everyone, whether you’re single or in a relationship
“If marriage shows us the shape of the gospel, singleness shows us its sufficiency.”
such a great reminder that both singleness and marriage are good because GOD is good. “the more we grasp [God’s goodness and mercy], the less either marriage or singleness should ultimately matter to us. Let’s aim for more of God, assured that whatever happens, we will never outpace his kindness to us.”
would recommend this book to absolutely everyone, whether you’re single or in a relationship
January 9, 2025
I loved this book! Felt very seen and heard by the author’s feelings + realities, but more importantly by Jesus! Each chapter discussed a lie about singleness and met that lie with Truth. I thought the writing did a great job of acknowledging hard emotions and situations that come along with singleness, but not painting himself and other single people as victims. It is such a great resource and I haven’t come across any other book quite like it. It was thought-provoking, theologically rich, and felt like I was having a convo with Mr. Sam himself about this near & dear topic. I will be rereading my fav pages for a while and I’m sure I’ll reread the whole thing again at some point!
June 9, 2022
I tagged teamed with this book, reading the hard copy and listening to the audio version when I couldn't read--a great system of efficiency!
Allberry writes/reads with deep warmth and honesty about the paradox of living well as a single in a culture where marriage and family are the norm. It's good and it's hard, he says. The way he names reality makes me trust him and his insights. Highly recommend!
Allberry writes/reads with deep warmth and honesty about the paradox of living well as a single in a culture where marriage and family are the norm. It's good and it's hard, he says. The way he names reality makes me trust him and his insights. Highly recommend!
May 26, 2025
Solid book, but I don’t feel like it rocked my view of singlehood much. I attended a seminar recently where the speaker referenced this book, and highlighted some of the key parts. Perhaps that also stole from the novelty of it.
Overall, there is a good message here to be heard. Single people aren’t a problem to be fixed :) Marriage is hard. Singleness is hard. Marriage is good. Singleness is good. At the end of the day, true fulfillment is in Christ.
Overall, there is a good message here to be heard. Single people aren’t a problem to be fixed :) Marriage is hard. Singleness is hard. Marriage is good. Singleness is good. At the end of the day, true fulfillment is in Christ.
April 14, 2024
Honestly fantastic. I feel like the title discredits this book a bit, and I wasn't really interested in a self helpy book for mopers. But wow, this was solid and refreshing, full of the author's honest insights.
All of us have been single, are single, are close friends with people who are single, or may be single again. In whichever stage, this book offers a challenging approach to life that is full of promise and hope if we truly consider it.
All of us have been single, are single, are close friends with people who are single, or may be single again. In whichever stage, this book offers a challenging approach to life that is full of promise and hope if we truly consider it.
December 26, 2022
3.5 stars. Some chapters were quite helpful and others were less so. Overall a good perspective of singleness and fighting lies that are easy to believe about it.
June 17, 2023
“if marriage shows us the shape of the Gospel, singleness shows us its sufficiency”
due to lots of reading about marriage and raising children b/c of my Marriage and Family class this semester, this book was a refreshing part of the curriculum
due to lots of reading about marriage and raising children b/c of my Marriage and Family class this semester, this book was a refreshing part of the curriculum
January 20, 2021
I seriously love this book. This is one of those books that every member of the church should read, whether you are currently single, married, or teaching on either. Also a great resource for those looking to learn more about authentic friendship!
August 15, 2022
If I am not content now, no marriage, friendship, relationship or circumstance will get me there.
Jesus’ sufficiency needs to be real and good to my heart - whatever relationship status I tick now or later - then I will be able to navigate my own life’s complexities, whatever they may be.
Thanks Sam.
Jesus’ sufficiency needs to be real and good to my heart - whatever relationship status I tick now or later - then I will be able to navigate my own life’s complexities, whatever they may be.
Thanks Sam.
April 10, 2020
"If marriage shows us the shape of the gospel, singleness shows us its sufficiency."
Honestly, I think this is one of the most important books I've ever read. Friends, I beg you to read it. Sam Alberry addresses the whole church, singles and married folks alike to discuss the dignity and value of singleness in the church. He graciously points out the ways that we functionally (and theologically) idolize marriage, and act as though singleness is at best a problem to be solved:
"Even the ways we describe singleness reflects this. It is almost always defined in the negative, as the absence of something. It's the state of not being married. It is the absence of a significant other. This defining by negation reinforces the idea that there is nothing intrinsically good about singleness, it is merely a situation of lacking what is intrinsically good in marriage." --p.12
Each chapter is designed to debunk a specific myth about singleness--whether its perceived as "too hard, " requiring a special calling," "precluding intimacy," "lacking family," "hindering ministry," "wasting your sexuality," or simply "easy," Allberry deftly explains what the gospel actually has to say about singleness.
"[Jesus] is the most complete and fully human person who ever lived. So his not being married is not incidental. It shows us that none of these things--marriage, romantic fulfillment, sexual experience--is intrinsic to being a full human being. The moment we say otherwise, the moment we claim a life of celibacy to be dehumanizing, we are implying that Jesus himself is only subhuman." --p. 25
"If at some point you find your marriage is a disappointment to you, please bear in mind that's because it's supposed to be. It's not meant to fulfill you, but to point you to the thing that does." --p. 114
I could list quotes all day--ones that put words to the things I see, hear, and feel as a single in the Church, and uses them to point us all back to the gospel. The church is a family, a body, designed to work together for the glory of God.
"We're invested in one another, and therefore I need to know what the Christian life is like for you in your situation, and you need to know what it's like for me in mine. .
..it shows me that as a single person, I have a stake in the health of the marriages in my church family. And those who are married have a stake in the health of my singleness." --p.15
It's a stunning book, honestly. Certainly any church leader interested in ministering well to the singles in their local congregation should absolutely read it, but truthfully, I wish everyone would. I felt seen, heard, and dignified in ways I never have before, and all rooted in truth. I cried during the last chapter, where he outlines some of the unique difficulties of singleness, because I'd never heard someone say them out loud before
"When such friends move (and if you'll excuse the cliche) it feels like they're taking a bit of my home with them. And when this happens a number of times over successive years, I feel like I'm Voldemort with relational horcruxes scattered all over the place." --p.135
"But whatever the reason, it [friends moving] is another way of reminding us that however close our friendship is, it's not close enough to make someone think twice about upping sticks and moving off....the family goes. You stay. That's the deal."
But even after outlining some of the deepest hurts, he points us back to our God who is faithful, no matter life's uncertainties, single or married. It's a beautiful book. I couldn't help but write one of my longest reviews ever. It deserves it. Please read it.
Honestly, I think this is one of the most important books I've ever read. Friends, I beg you to read it. Sam Alberry addresses the whole church, singles and married folks alike to discuss the dignity and value of singleness in the church. He graciously points out the ways that we functionally (and theologically) idolize marriage, and act as though singleness is at best a problem to be solved:
"Even the ways we describe singleness reflects this. It is almost always defined in the negative, as the absence of something. It's the state of not being married. It is the absence of a significant other. This defining by negation reinforces the idea that there is nothing intrinsically good about singleness, it is merely a situation of lacking what is intrinsically good in marriage." --p.12
Each chapter is designed to debunk a specific myth about singleness--whether its perceived as "too hard, " requiring a special calling," "precluding intimacy," "lacking family," "hindering ministry," "wasting your sexuality," or simply "easy," Allberry deftly explains what the gospel actually has to say about singleness.
"[Jesus] is the most complete and fully human person who ever lived. So his not being married is not incidental. It shows us that none of these things--marriage, romantic fulfillment, sexual experience--is intrinsic to being a full human being. The moment we say otherwise, the moment we claim a life of celibacy to be dehumanizing, we are implying that Jesus himself is only subhuman." --p. 25
"If at some point you find your marriage is a disappointment to you, please bear in mind that's because it's supposed to be. It's not meant to fulfill you, but to point you to the thing that does." --p. 114
I could list quotes all day--ones that put words to the things I see, hear, and feel as a single in the Church, and uses them to point us all back to the gospel. The church is a family, a body, designed to work together for the glory of God.
"We're invested in one another, and therefore I need to know what the Christian life is like for you in your situation, and you need to know what it's like for me in mine. .
..it shows me that as a single person, I have a stake in the health of the marriages in my church family. And those who are married have a stake in the health of my singleness." --p.15
It's a stunning book, honestly. Certainly any church leader interested in ministering well to the singles in their local congregation should absolutely read it, but truthfully, I wish everyone would. I felt seen, heard, and dignified in ways I never have before, and all rooted in truth. I cried during the last chapter, where he outlines some of the unique difficulties of singleness, because I'd never heard someone say them out loud before
"When such friends move (and if you'll excuse the cliche) it feels like they're taking a bit of my home with them. And when this happens a number of times over successive years, I feel like I'm Voldemort with relational horcruxes scattered all over the place." --p.135
"But whatever the reason, it [friends moving] is another way of reminding us that however close our friendship is, it's not close enough to make someone think twice about upping sticks and moving off....the family goes. You stay. That's the deal."
But even after outlining some of the deepest hurts, he points us back to our God who is faithful, no matter life's uncertainties, single or married. It's a beautiful book. I couldn't help but write one of my longest reviews ever. It deserves it. Please read it.
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